Friday, April 29, 2022



actually above is two contenders for the first-ever photograph.


* Emu Wedding
Pastor Doug: no Kevin no, not today.
Kevin: call me Satan.

* Lowe's Spring Fest
man: we came here to buy guns? YES!!!
woman: no, a grass gun.
man: *with a dejected face* oh.

* Home Depot Spring
woman: look at all these beautiful annuals!!!
man: annuals don't mean they grow forever all year, it means they are flowers that don't grow AT ALL the whole year...

* Coca Cola
girl with ring light: DAD!!! i'm trying to TikTok dance here!!! you know my order. and get mom who's doing all of our laundries OUT of my room!!!
Dad: why do you have a smile on your face? didn't the UberEats driver interrupt your TikTok dance?
girl: yes but he was cute. and he had a motorcycle. he told me the food and the Coca Cola were free if i danced for him...

* Taco Bell
girl: we're in a time loop.
other girl: yes, everyone is.
girl: i should have the Jem hair not you but whatever anyway i think with the White Hot Ranch Nacho Fries we can rightly say that we're in Deja Chew.
other girl: that's lame. hey is one of these trays of White Hot Ranch Nacho Fries enough? or do i need to order two more tacos?...

* American Express NBA jerseys
crying man: my favorite jersey is Kyrie Irving. now i have to trade my jersey and buy a new one. no, he didn't get traded, he didn't switch teams, he just refused to play...

*  Macy's
girl: i got my style from my mom.
mom: and i got my style from MY mom.
grandma: and i got my style from MY mom!!! mom mom. great-grandma thrice removed.
great grandma: and you all got your style from ME!!!!!!!!!
Madonna: and you all got your style from ME!!!!!!!!!! all you bitches owe me. even that old biddy over there. hey i'm just trying to teach the youth pop-culture history with my Instagram posts before it's too late...

* everyone working behind the Wendy's counter in their curiously symbolic red shirts sing the Biggie Bag Song.
singers: "you got that bag, you got that Biggie Bag"
woman: is that a real song?
Jamie from Progressive: yes. we're trying to quickly make it into an NFT inb4 Boyz II Men sues us.

* Roger Federer: the clay season is slow. it's the slowest season.........these clay tennis matches are slow, boring, dry, and tough to watch. i'd rather visit Boris Becker in prison.
Sabalenka: why the fuck haven't i won a Major yet?...

* girl at the DeSantis Disney signing: look at my face. i am depressed. i am NOT happy. i am glum. i am the dwarf named Sad.

* The Charisma Myth: one letter ain't gonna do need two letters.
Jesus: i had the most charisma out of everyone...

* Jillian Clare: i'm pissed that i'm single and my best friend Monica Lewinsky is married. Monica Lewinsky remarried. do you know how awkward it's gonna be trapsing around New York City with her on night jaunts when we look at each other across the stage and across the table?

* cat familiars: so this new Friskies Glaz'd & Infuz'd is supposed to make you high?
Friskies: ALL cat food is designed to make cats high.
Matthew McConaughey: ...
Richard Linklater: ...

* Bone Thugs N Harmony: we were Cleveland. we were all Cleveland had. LeBron came WAY later.

* Pier Angeli at the pier by the Ferris wheel at golden hour: i fit in more life than you tho my life was shorter. James Dean crashed my wedding. did James Dean crash YOUR wedding, too? i got married on a Wednesday. who gets married on a Wednesday?!!! i know it was Valentine's Day but still...

* Wild At Heart snakeskin jacket: where was i in Honeymoon In Vegas?

* Elon Musk: in order for the world to be saved, i MUST become the richest person who ever lived in history...

* Church of the Master Angels: we are not a cult. i know, we REALLY sound like a cult. we REALLY have a cult name. but we are not a cult.

* Pure Leaf iced tea: pour some sugar with us. not on us. not in us...

* Flipper the Dolphin: hey

* Doryce: have you ever had Top Ramen before?
Takahashi: yes.
Doryce: Top Ramen with NO flavor powder, just the plain noodles in hot water.
Takahashi: ...

* me: when i look into the bright blue eyes of Jen Pizarro, she ceases to be a woman. another woman. it is at that moment i remember. she becomes my heart. my soul. my person.

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: those White Hot Ranch Nacho Fries got me. it's gonna be Taco Bell again twice-in-a-row back-to-back-weeks. but do i drive a longer distance and go through the drivethru or drive a shorter distance get out and walk to the Taco Bell? it's a nacho cheese conundrum. 

Wednesday, April 27, 2022



JFK: we gotta keep it on the down low, Marilyn.
Marilyn Monroe: right.
JFK: don't let a picture be taken of us together in the same room, the conspiracy theorists LOVE that stuff. always have your back turned, show your fabulous butt instead.
Marilyn: the butt with the sprinkles?
JFK: look, i know this is unfair to Jackie. Jackie O did nothing wrong. Jackie is gonna have a hard life. this is why i'm doing it THIS way. a President must keep secrets, it's the only way the world can survive. i'm a president but i'm also just a man. meet you at the Library, don't forget your library card.
Marilyn: and my milk.

at a club called Hot Fog
Takahashi: i need my In N Out burger in a bag and my Taco Bell in a box.

Naruto to a gray-green-skinned Ten Tails Obito: this Rin person, she is here RIGHT NOW watching over you!!!
Obito, crying: *heavy gasp*

Cirra and i are talking late night not at a Jack In The Box but on the bed of an empty porn soundstage. i can sense Cirra's rouge lipstick, purple cheeks, and orange freckles through the darkness.
me: i've never said the word "listen" before i've talked, before i've spoken. i know, it's weird, but it's true.
Cirra: what has you all dander-up, jefe?
me: hefe? yeast donuts? i don't respond to anything but "boy". buttboy. what do you need from me?
Cirra: i need your help. setting up my onlyFans account. i don't trust the dirtbag men we work with, i only trust YOU!!! you gotta help me with my scenes. we gotta fuck hotly on camera, both of our bodies nude and oiled and elongated side-by-side. and i'll swallow your thick load of cum full of tiny bubbles for the paywallers. this is something only FRIENDS can do!!!
me: what about your parents?
Cirra: they would not help me with this. homework, yes, but not this. i'm a secret to my family. i keep myself a secret from my family.
me: religious family? Mass family? 
Cirra: big family, yes. no they're a mob family, they're not as worldly as i am.
me: i'm not thinking about that stuff now. i'm miles ahead, off far farther further in the distance. everyday i flip-flop. one day i'm determined to be a monk forever when the printer paper-jams. the next day i've cooled off and i wanna fuck again. then on set there are no more paper towels to wipe off the cum and i have to use a stack of napkins instead and i NEED to go back to the monastery on the divine double cos all the paper towels in society are the brown ones in the Golden State Warriors bathroom, the one before Steph Curry came to town. the one before BARON DAVIS came to town!!! it's gonna be like this forever, i will live in both worlds forever, never choosing one, till my brain slices evenly into two halves and plops on the lab table.
Cirra: you mean lap table. don't worry, you'll always have a home here. everyone in porn is schizophrenic, we have to be to survive, we have to compartmentalize or we'd go insane. we're just ordinary humans, people looking for love like everyone else.

Voyage Cruise Lines singing the Madonna song "Like A Virgin": like a virgin, touched for the very first time.........we mean like a Voyage, it's for all families but we're exclusively adult.

Elon Musk: Power Wall is not the power you're thinking...

Escape From Tomorrow: we weren't A24 but we have that A24 feel, that A24 vibe.

the cat familiars sense ghosts in the house, ghosts that humans can't sense, they sense Madchen.
Greykid: hey we gotta bring Madchen back, we gotta bring Madchen back to life...
Mlem and Blep: yep.

Skittles: sorry we took Lime away. or was that flavor Green Apple? 

Peter Facinelli in the woods: do you talk to yourself like me? no, this doesn't mean you're a vampire, it means you're an actor.

Rami Malek: i don't win the Oscar if Wayne's World doesn't exist...

axe kick: nothing to do with itchy deodorant armpits

after shooting The Anality of Evil i take my two-weeks severance and break. and notice. i notice things. i need to forest-bathe, to flower-bathe. so i sneak back onto campus into my monk cell at the monastery when no one's looking, i have to pick the lock but it works out. just a couple of screams. the next morning i'm back in my Morning Meditations mode eating sunrise for breakfast instead of dandruff corn flakes.
me: it's like i'm in a Florida retirement community here. i'm old enough NOW to join these guys, i've sufficiently wasted enough of my life, i'm retiring age, i'm 50, i'm retiring from doing NOTHING my whole life. nothing bout thinking about what i was going to do. NOW i'm too old and tired and weak to want to go back to the real world, i don't have the will nor the stamina nor the dreams anymore.
me: is it actually possible to run away from your problems forever?
Peter Facinelli: damn, dude, that was great!!! that was a LONG talking-to-yourself.

lead singer of Dexy's Midnight Runners: i'm skinny Paul Reiser.

slow marathon on the island: for intellectuals.

JFK's second secret rendezvous with Marilyn Monroe is on his diplomatic mission around the world. to Turkey, California, Mykonos, and finally Turks and Caicos to sign the Clean Air Act.
JFK: breathe. it's gonna be okay. the air in America will NEVER be as good as it is here.
Marilyn: EVERYTHING'S SO BLUE HERE ON THE ISLANDS!!! sky and water. 
JFK: ALL the shades of blue. do you like my mirrored sunglasses? my aviator shades?
Biden in a hammock supported by two palm trees sipping a green coconut larger than his head: no.
Marilyn: i've gotten sand in my vagina but every woman goes through that. i'm glad you got rid of that poll tax, i had to pay to vote as a penalty for not counting the right number of gumballs in that glass jar.
JFK: now it'll be easier for EVERYBODY to vote, which means the country will vote BLUE most of the time which means the world will not drift into insanity.

Marilyn and JFK in the hotel bed. the hotel-lobby bed.
Marilyn: the world has gone crazy. the world has gone to hell and not back from hell. but i don't care, i feel secure with my head in your arms, your college chest is my security.
JFK: this is taking me back to my dorm days. at Harvard. and Princeton for one day. what's going on outside our window? what's that racket? it's not tennis. far out. hello, hippie chick. what's the plan?
Jillian Clare: oh i'm sorry, was i disturbing you two? i'm in my one-piece not a bikini, training for the circus, on my trampoline here. yeah i get in this harness and do some acrobat shit, jumping upside-down and twirling my tushy for the trees. it beats running for exercise. i eat a lot of cake.
JFK: those are some impressive lines, young lady!!!
there's a knock at the door. the tourists have come.
JFK: what say you and me get naked on this bed and you tell me all about your dreams? i studied Freud at Harvard. and Princeton for one lecture. he's like Yoda, right? psychoanalysis is still NEW black magic at this time in history.
Melissa Maker: your eyes are turquoise like the rest of this place but i'm married.
JFK: so am i. doesn't that make it more fun?
Marilyn: honey you can still pull of a bikini. my mom wears a one-piece.

JFK and Marilyn at The Store on the islands. the chain is franchising like a motherfucker.
Marilyn: why do i have to dress like this, Jack? i call all men jack.
JFK: now that you're with me i don't want you dressing like a slut anymore. here's your hunchback and tatters, hurry up and get changed. shhhh, keep it down, i'll handle this.
they enter the store where Matt is working his usual spot at checkout.
Matt: your total comes to $470, two weeks of groceries. i'd give you the discount but i need a valid phone number. and this old lady here gave me the wrong number, she's a batty biddy, she's spacey.
JFK jumping up and down bobbing his head: HOW DARE YOU, SIR!!!!!!!!! that old lady happens to be Marilyn Monroe in drag!!! i mean disguise!!! the one who wears two-pieces everywhere. this old crone you scolded happens to be my mother. she raised me. to appreciate women. you think just cos there's more money flowing now that i eliminated the poll tax she can AFFORD this?!!! i thought we were friends, Matt, you with your salt-and-pepper hair and cool-guy '70s-New-York air to you, your cynical distinguished manner and construction-site vest and glum low voice now that you've worked here for 50 years wasting your whole life away. at Whole Foods. 
Matt: i'm sorry. i hate my job. i hate my life. i just want to be Nic Cage. can we go back to talking about golf without mentioning Tiger Woods at all?
JFK: give us all the food for free and we'll call it even, i won't sic my men on you.
Abraham Bolden: i got your back, sir.

Nic Cage: holy shit you mean i'm a Jaegerist? a Yaegerist?

Laertus: the perfect title for the final episode of Attack on Titan should be:

"Will It Ever End?"

on the volcanic island Anya Taylor-Joy chews herbs in her mouth and spits them into Northman's mouth.
The Northman: sex thing?
Anya: chess move...

Cigarettes After Sex: we're the American Depeche Mode.

Jamie from the Progressive commercials playing the steelpan: i'm also in those Wendy's commercials...

Michael O'Donoghue: the reason i was so cranky all my life was because of those damn migraines...

accordion doors: Pasqually was able to squeeze through us whilst eating pizza.

vision plan: it's not a Vision Board, it's eye-care insurance.

Dirg: hey buddy, blurring pictures of porn and putting it in an oil-painting frame is not "art".

Bart Simpson and that naked crazy college chick Milly: i will not express my feelings through chaos...

Amber Heard: see i never watched Monty Python, i read National Lampoon Magazine instead. 
Lorne Michaels: Saturday Night Live should have been a tv show called National Lampoon...

Christina Perri taking in a Dodgers game during Fernandomania with JFK: have you noticed my L.A. Dodgers tattoo?

Dr. Phil: the one guest i couldn't stand?..........Jesus. Jesus, okay? i couldn't stand Jesus.

Peloton at the White House rotunda: yeah sorry, we should've taken the "duh" out of that commercial of ours there...

at Golden Con. at the Bea Arthur autograph-signing.
Doryce shakes hands with Bea roughly.
Doryce: HUGE fan. my Gladyce says i'm like you in personality.
Bea: only in looks. Glad Ice? i'd like to meet this Gladyce, she sounds like one smart woman. or lady. or Girl as it were.
Gladyce shakes hands with Bea respectively, softly, with just her pinkie finger.
Gladyce: i like to be one smart cookie. 
Doryce: she likes to EAT one smart cookie.
Bea: how do you think my puss tastes?

Amber Heard: i have borderline personality disorder? i have histrionic personality disorder? i constantly crave attention? i mean, isn't that ALL actors?

Johnny Depp: why am i going through this public trial instead of settling out of court? this is my audition for the new independent movie J.K. Rowling is directing...

Gladyce: pro life-kitchen-hack: tired of apple pie? two words: apple blossoms.
Powerpuff Girls: ...

Vernon Chatman: all i did was take over from Michael O'Donoghue...

Dirg: when your youtube channel has to hold a fundraiser, it's time to end your youtube channel.

Doryce at the Store shelf: what's with the pale-yellow garbanzo beans? they look radioactive.
Gladyce: they might as well be green garbanzo beans, dear.

Laertus's dad: you say

let's go

nobody ever says

let's go together

Dassault: not a French assault

Eye Luggage: Red Rocket and go.
Doryce: can i interrupt? my vending machine's not working, i'm standing by it but it won't spit out Snickers bars anymore. i want the Snickers bar with the dick vein on it, with the dick vein on the end of it.
Simon Rex full-frontal naked: is THIS enough of a Snickers bar for you?
Doryce: now THAT would satisfy me.

Simon Rex: think about how i feel after this. i was a washed-up fat actor.
Johnny Depp: ...
Simon Rex: a has-been. everyone thought i was an Abercrombie model with a head full of dumb rocks. 
Abercrombie & Fitch: we somehow made white nationalism cool in the '90s.
Simon Rex: lines? i couldn't remember my name. i already had a porn name. when all i wanted to do was star in a Spielberg movie. like, perhaps, out of the blue, i dunno, say, Jurassic Park.
Spielberg: my daughters watched the CW. when it was called UPN...
Simon Rex: yeah that's the thing. i was C-list at best, i could only ever go on those stupid CW WB teen sitcoms with a script so thin i had to be buff to make up for it. to counter it.

Simon Rex: i was able to do THIS. my life's work is complete. all my dreams have come true. i had to wait 50 years toiling away in the business anonymously but it finally HAPPENED for me!!! i do something here which will LAST, which is SERIOUS, which MATTERS. which showcases my DAMN good acting ability, i knew it was in there, it just never had to come out. this is QUALITY work, my tour-de-force on a Tour de France bicycle, my revelation, what i was always meant to DO when i started out. my dreams have turned into THIS dream. i don't need any awards for this but i'll take them, i've already awarded myself. with a donut. it just goes to show, give someone unexpected a chance and they'll surprise you. sure i did gay porn before, there's gay porn on my resume, but that wasn't why i was chosen for this film...
Pete Davidson: why is this film so important?
Simon: cos it's SUPER indie. like The King of Staten Island. lends it gravitas.

Pete Davidson: don't worry, you aren't unknown, you were friends with me. admittedly this came only in the last few two years or so.
Simon Rex: yeah but now i want to go BACK to being anonymous. i've been in the he game too long, i know how this is, how this goes down, i NEVER want to be famous like that. so i'm going the other extreme, i live off-the-grid on a ranch in California. nobody knows where i live, not even my agent whom i didn't tell i was taking this. nobody can contact me for any reason.
JFK: not even the CIA?

Eye Luggage: okay okay okay NAMES. we gotta come up with a better name for this. 
Laertus: right? it took me awhile but i finally figured out this one. the red rocket is from Strawberry's red hair launching him to stardom again.
Rubikon: why the hell wasn't this film called Suitcase Pimp?!!! then people would have REALLY remembered that term, it would have entered the pop-culture lexicon.
Sean Baker: we tried but there are already 13 porn titles by that name...

Bree Elrod: i say the infamous line. and i get to fuck Simon Rex, that's something i can tell my grandkids. i mean when Simon Rex EVENTUALLY becomes famous...

Suzanna Son: i pulled off a pretty convincing Texan accent, huh sugar. sugar donuts. i have an interesting backstory, i'm from Montana of all places and i studied music with Kurt Cobain in his hometown. i have an interesting look. i thought for a while there i was actually gonna get away with going through this whole film without having to get nude.
Sean Baker: hey i'm not a creep. my films showcase the underbelly, the underclass of America, the workers who are fighting for dignity for their work like everyone else. all my films are about sex work. i'm the magic man, i somehow am able to get random hot babes to do my movies simply by entering their Instagram DMs.

Sean Baker: the rest of the cast is LITERALLY people off the street in that dusty no-horse town in Texas City...

Shih-Ching Tsou: i get it. i get the criticism. i'm in all of Sean's movies. i'm PROBABLY the girlfriend? no, I am the producer, he isn't the producer!!! and why do i always have to be the one behind the counter? why can't i be the pretty star?
Sean: babe i told you, the type of films we do, we have to BEG people to be in them!!! hence the Instagram hustling!!!

Sean: it's hard to get people to do a movie for you, to do all this shit. flying a plane and learning lines for a wacky script. the only way you convince people to do it is

Laertus's dad: i love how the poster for this is a tribute to The Woman In Red from 1984!!!
Homer Simpson: oh darn, i thought it was a tribute to ME and my drooling of pink donuts.

Simon Rex: Mikey Saber, that needs to be a REAL porn name. i'm gonna use that when i get off work here and enter my day job, which is gay porn. and use the money from THAT to use that name to audition for my DREAM job which is American Gladiators...

Laertus: why the FUCK would you go back to Texas after being in Hollywood?
Dirg: it's called ROOTS, dumbass!!!
Eye: plus he's still technically married to his country wife.
Joe Pera: ...

Lexi: we have a shotgun house but still respect the property rights!!! 1000 FEET AWAY AT ALL TIMES!!!
Lil: yes, i am Lil from Squidbillies in real life.

Lil: all we watch in this household is Family Feud. i'm waiting for that Richard Dawson "September" episode...

Laertus: oh god seeing that big Bump billboard makes me physically ill again.
Eye: don't worry, my sweet, rest your weary head on my bosom.
Dirg: come home wayward son.
Eye: they counter with the family watching the Hilary convention later. not that anybody actually WATCHES conventions anymore.
Laertus: bosom balance. when in doubt, pick the woman.

Laertus: i do love these expansive farm scenes tho, i love Simon riding his bike everywhere, that bicycle is such a star vehicle!
Sean: cheap, too!!!
Laertus: the sun splotching agapist the smokestacks of the factories. like a Rembrandt.

Simon: nobody's hiring. not even at that buffet in Texas where that misogynist shot up the place. they think nobody will want food served by me if they saw one of my movies. they would want to eat me MORE!!!
Lexi: Mikey, your long gap does not refer to your cock.

Dirg: i love how they mention real names of porn stars in this, real porn companies.
Tori Black from Brazzers slaps Dirg on the tongue.
Tori Black: fuck that shit, they never paid ME for use of my real name.
Sean: but that's not your real name.
Dirg: couldn't you at least have slapped my BUTT or something? my tongue has NERVE ENDINGS!!!

Lonnie: yeah as a kid i saw you have sex with my mom, then my mom died of brain cancer.
Simon Rex: hey that's a stereotype of me, man, i did not give your mom brain cancer by not wearing a condom.

Simon: and so we do what any family does to celebrate coming into money, we go to the.........DONUT SHOP!!!

Simon: and we go CRAZY with the donut orders. and the POUNDS of coffee!!! and the fucking MILK everywhere i mean we go CRAZY!!!

Strawberry: call me Strawberry, Raylee is too King of the Hill.
Simon: you have a unique look.
Bjork: she's my daughter, okay?

Strawberry and Simon Rex walking together at day and at night. across heather fields and empty parking lots.
Strawberry: you have a unique look, too. you have that MTV VJ look to you. there's no MTV in Texas.
Simon Rex: that explains so much...

Leondria: i used to be the librarian of the children's library. now i sell pot out of my backyard. Texas, amirite?

Dirg on his knees, sweating profusely, eyes closed, begging with wrung hands: yes, yes you most certainly do. DON'T KILL ME!!! your face is FUCKING SINISTER.

Leondria: and how do my daughter and me know you won't smoke it yourself?
Simon: i've never gotten caught. never gotten shot, never went to prison.
Eye: what's the big deal about getting two AVN awards IN A ROW anyway? the same award in back-to-back years?
Tori Black: ahem, back to back.
Laertus's dad: porn Oscars, porn Oscars.

Strawberry: okay so i've swallowed your cum but we still haven't gone on a DATE. that's messed up, right?
Simon: why didn't you make her character 18 to start? why do i have to answer the press's pedo questions? i don't even groom my own blockhead hair.
Sean: do it for Asia Argento. okay do it for Anthony Bourdain. she had to be underage, 17, so she can emancipate herself form her old life of her own free will when the law keeps her in the small town, it becomes HER choice, her agency.
Strawberry: Ferris wheel. i'm a cheap date, just the Ferris wheel. by the pier. at golden hour.
Simon: why is every roller coaster form Van Nuys Blvd.?

Laertus: okay THIS was a nice scene. the best in the movie. when Lexi subtly seduces Lonnie coaxing the information about Simon's whereabouts out of him through the chain-link fence. 

Simon: why'd you throw the coffee pot at me?
Lexi: relax, the coffee was cold.
Simon: but not the glass, my face is my moneymaker. 
Lexi: relax, i know you're getting me a Clooney Keurig for Christmas.
Simon: i want to hear you say that WITHOUT your Gulf Coast accent!!!

Laertus: now see i'll never get this. if you're in the porn industry, if you're a porn actor, the LAST place you'd ever want to go would be a strip club!!! you're SICK of all that shit from your job!!!

Mikey: we're men so we can only bond at a strip club, let's go.
Lonnie: this is my worst dream come true. i have to finally admit to myself that my favorite band Puddle of Mudd is just strip-club music.

Dirg: hey at least Puddle of Mudd would smack my ass...

Lonnie: how'd you convince a girl to do porn in three weeks?
Mikey: hey Sean Baker convinces girls to do porn for his movies all the time.

at a mall in Texas
bullies by the indoor fountain: STOLEN VALOR!!! stolen valor over here!!! and even worse than that: HE'S WEARING A MASK!!!!!!!!!!

Mikey: how could you do this to me?
Lonnie: what? i genuinely thought WTF stood for What The Fuck.
Mikey: hey watch your swerving, we don't want to end up causing a 100-car pileup on the highway.
Lonnie: but where else am i gonna get high? we? i'll remember that, we.

Mikey: omg, i'm crying because i'm not gonna get caught for this.
Lonnie behind glass in prison: no you're crying because you've never experienced REAL FRIENDSHIP before. you're a porn actor in Los Angeles, that's as cynical as it gets!!!

Strawberry: sorry for looking at your PornHub. i swear i only looked at that video of the Texas teacher orgy scandal...

Strawberry: it's not an Asian thing. not a racist thing. i just don't like working at a donut shop.
Simon: your boyfriend is NASH BRIDGES?!!! sorry i can't help you. there are just prop guns in L.A....

Mikey Saber: Nash, you can't compete with me, you're a prom star, i'm a porn star.
Strawberry: actually the reason i like you, Mikey, is you're a man and Nash is a boy.
Nash: i can't injure you, i can't hope to bruise you. but my mom beat up Fauci in a cul-de-sac once.

blonde woman in cowboy hat and cowboy boots steps out of her mansion and cocks a rifle.
woman: why do you always park in front of my house? looking to get busted? looking for me to bust a cap in your ass?
Simon Rex: Mrs. Bush?

Strawberry: so as i'm sitting here on this piano bench by my pink bed, our pink bed, playing the electric piano, i think back to my Juilliard audition. except i wasn't naked for that...

Sean: btw, "Bye Bye Bye" by N*SYNC was the only music we could get. because everyone hates that song.

Strawberry: my house is all pink cos pink makes you happy, right?
Simon: no, pink cards make weightlifters' wrists limp.

Strawberry by the stone shipyard: you know this is where the slave trade in America began.
Simon Rex: what's with the history lesson all of a sudden? do you think my name denotes i was once a Roman emperor?
Strawberry: i'm white but i'm aware. i wanted to be a history teacher before i met you and you told me to go into porn.
Simon: you make me sound like the bad guy.

Paul Walker: we all felt that line. i had to go die to ruin Mikey Saber's career.
Mikey Saber: i get my best reviews playing you, Paul Walker. life isn't fair.
Paul Walker: tell me about it. i'm telling you, porn parodies have GREAT writing.

Strawberry wiping a tear from her eye: Mikey Saber, you make me so happy. 
Mikey: that wasn't a proposal from me!!!.........dammit, why is your Texas twang so hypnotic?!!!

Laertus: oh i SERIOUSLY thought the wife and mother were gonna KILL Mikey in his sleep!!!
Simon Rex: never trust a witches' coven in the kitchen...
Dirg: i ain't gonna front, when you're running down the alleyway naked at night, dude's got dick. you have a nice big long penis, Simon Rex.

Laertus: and suddenly this turns into family comedy hour, jokes coming at your face everywhere, every second. flying atcha.
Lexi: suitcase pimp.

Eye: okay this final scene is actually quite cinematic. very illusory, very existential. you're not quite sure what the ending really is. is he DREAMING this? is that what he WANTS to happen in his life going forward? is his dream realized? or is he imagining the whole thing? is the ginger his ticket back to easy street?
Mikey Saber: i don't know, but i sure did walk a LONG street...
Simon Rex: believe me, my dream was realized.
Marilyn Monroe: FINALLY A BIKINI!!!
Simon: my eyes well with tears. happy tears but exhausted tears at my life choices. fake it till you make it. tears of the rainbow. Prince's "When Doves Cry" was inspired by Blade Runner's "Tears In Rain". the tears of a clown.

Sean Baker: i wanted this film to be steeped in the Italian eroticism of the '70s. did i accomplish my goal?
Pasolini: yes. yes you most certainly did.
Sean: and The Sugarland Express.
Spielberg: wait, there's sex in my movies?

Simon Rex: listen, if I can live my dream finally, YOU can live your dream finally. 
Naruto: ...
Obito: you just have to wait forever...
Simon Rex tenting his fingers: i shall leave you with this one more thing: DAN CORTESE WISHES HE WERE ME!!! Dan Cortese wishes what happened to me with this film would happen to HIM.
Dan Cortese eating shit on a shingle: ...
Simon Rex eating sirloin steak: g'night folks.


Friday, April 22, 2022




* look at that photo up there, that is Jean Harlow literally MINUTES away from her collapsing and dying. her final photo. it's spooky and macabre and makes you think about life.

* Jean Harlow: i was a natural blonde but i wanted MORE!!! so i invented platinum blondes. i died at age 26 of kidney failure. KIDNEY FAILURE?!!! AT AGE 26?!!! what the FUCK was i drinking?!!! nuclear bomb juice?!!!

* Pasolini at The Tabard Inn above: my movie The Canterbury Tales is the serious version of Monty Python and the Holy Grail...

* Tezspire: we simply couldn't afford actors for the commercial. so we 3DCGI-animated everyone and everything. this is the future...

* Mlem, Blep, and Greykid the cat familiars to Jennifer Aniston: girl, you need kids, a 50-year-old woman with 3 dogs in her bed is not a good look.

* Fred Armisen: Nat, you tell your trainer Joe Holder you love him? but not me?
Natasha Lyonne: Freddie Freddie can only fake the funk for so long.

* Elliott Smith: Smog Cutter, not a place to get your engine smog-certified so it's legal for you to drive a car in L.A....

* Charlotte Bronte: i never wrote a small book. but i DID write a tiny book...

* Bill Murray in the Carrie Fisher SNL episode: get this thirsty girl a cocktail glass of water. this is the '70s, she really is thirsty, she's not sexually desperate. 
Carrie Fisher: knock on wood. 
Bill Murray: hold my penis when you say that. to convince me to invest in mutual funds. i got a Pinocchio penis.

* Carrie Fisher: back then in 1978 during the Goodnights, i kissed the entire cast on the mouth.
John Belushi: sadly, not even the magic kiss of Princess Leia herself could save me...

* Nic Cage: why'd i carve myself out a Batcave by tunneling the mountains near my mansion with red TNT stick explosives? 
George Clooney: don't do it, man...
Nic Cage: easy. Nic Cage=Nic Cave.

* Gilroy Garlic Festival: we can't let the terrorists win!!!
Huell Howser: i went to the last one last year. that drivethru was cool, but you can only drive your truck through the park to get the calamari. they drop the spaghetti on your head in the dark for security reasons. and no more garlic ice cream, everyone thought that was disgusting. i need me one of those GIANT steel festival pans so i can cook sauces and create a bonfire in my own kitchen. 

* Rachel Nichols: Malika Andrews tried to smile at me at the ESPN Christmas party but i ran away down the stairs before i gave her the satisfaction. all i know is she's dating the Greek Freak...

* sateen: the sheets so soft you'll swear you're sleeping on butter.
Satan: ...

* old man: LOOK AT THIS LAMP!!! i can't believe i FOUND it again from my college days!!!
Jill Remez: i mean it's not a leg lamp but we need to talk. combining our things is a CRUCIAL step for any couple. i thought i could pick em. you are kind, considerate, a Democrat which surprised me, and you mow the lawn and mow MY lawn. but i cannot ABIDE a lamp that looks like a silly dog!!!
old man: but honey it's a cute pug.
Jill Remez: i need it to be a cute pitbull, i know Jack Bauer.
old man: aren't you glad i gradated University?
Jill Remez: what's with the tassel as the on/off switch and the pirate coat on the dog?
olf man: i met you at the strip club, remember? my favorite anime of all time is Fena: Pirate Princess.
Jill Remez: Miss Piggy was right. 
old man: whaddaya wanna watch?
Jill Remez: bitch we're watching Passions!!! i learned my magic from that soap. i'm a bruja!!! i can turn you into a Muppet!!!

* FitBit: this isn't about exercise, it's about life.
dj: Human Resources just informed me i can't wear the Hugh Hefner smoking jacket anymore...
Flight of the Conchords: nobody got us. we were supposed to be about trains.
Dance Dance Revolution: we never taught anybody to dance. we just gave people broken ankles.
we play soccer on English countrysides.
Leah Vernon: i am NOT Lizzo.
Phoenix: you can only pole-dance if you're wearing nine-inch heels.
the kiss doesn't count unless you're at the beach and the wave crests over your bodies smacking both people in the lips.
cheap roller-derby shot, the clock said 0:00.
Phoenix: and suddenly this commercial becomes the living room from A Clockwork Orange.

girl in bed: don't open the drapes, i'm a vampire!!! i said i was a fan of the PHOENIX Suns!!!
Djokovic: i'm a fan of the Denver Nuggets, can i play in the U.S. Open now?
Magic Johnson: can i make this Lakers season disappear?
Knicks grandma: bing bong.........BRING BACK Mission Hill!!!
Woj: for the record, i did not come up with the turn-of-phrase Woj Bomb...
Mister Cartoon Machado: i know we're all part of the Modelo family, but i don't do Damian Lillard Dame Time back tattoos, i do my own stuff.
Lakers fan: okay i'm here. i came to Hot Dog on a Stick Giant Donut with this steampunk umbrella, where's Angelyne?
Greek Freak: are you taking a picture of us?
waiter: *John Astin smile* is that okay?
Greek Freak: but you're Giancarlo Esposito.

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: i'm finally gonna do it. i'm gonna put Taco Bell breakfast sauce on lunch, i'm gonna put Taco Bell Breakfast Salsa on a regular crunchy taco.

Wednesday, April 20, 2022



John Fitzgerald Kennedy survives Dallas. because he never went there on that fateful day. instead he has a shipment of books he buys from a quaint obscure-paperback booksellers, the same shoppe at the beginning and end of The Flight of Dragons, sent to the White House. 

JFK: people said i was into magic, magic books. after all, how did a Catholic become President? i WAS into magic, but not anything coming out of the Vatican. the magic of human courage. courage is such a commodity these days.

it's the first known technical Amazon order. it's the first time GrubHub delivered an item that couldn't be Eats. JFK smiles when the package arrives.

JFK: i know what happens in Dallas in the future. there are no more bookstores, only book burnings. so let us smile while we still can smile.

my first day of work in Chatsworth is an engaging one. porn is not at all what i expected. Cirra comes out of her dressing room the pink fluffy bunny-paw hanging on the door instead of a star with her usual vivaciousness and jaundiced eye.

Cirra: here, this will mellow you out, ease the nerves.
me: oh i don't smoke pot.
Cirra: you have to today, it's 420.

Cirra: what were you expecting, honey? you're too skinny for this business. want to borrow my pink feather boa to hide your cock during scenes? 
me: i don't know. to get through it i pretend i'm with Jen.
Cirra: this Jennifer Pizarro? she might as well be my daughter as much as you've told me about her. 
me: no she would be your mother.
Cirra: hey. look at my yellow Mexican cat-eyes. or the orange stripes on either side of my jowls, my temples. or my strange melty guava bodyshape. that can only last so long, eventually you're gonna have to ENJOY it. or quit.

the crew and other actors take five and it's just Cirra and i on the stage, a huge circular bed the size of 3 California King beds lying flat on the floor decorated on the side with metal hubcaps.
me: oh god, i don't want to have to do a scene with you. i value our friendship too much.
Cirra: it'll happen eventually, we gotta prepare. 
me: emotionally.
Cirra: just pretend i'm Jen when i'm inserting my finger in your butthole.
me: speaking of, i noticed the egg in your butthole.
Cirra: oh yeah forgot about that, i didn't feel it in there, left over from Easter.
me: we celebrated Easter a bit differently at the monastery, it was more of a traditional Easter egg hunt where all the eggs were hidden in the Christ Chalice.
Cirra: you're weird, kid.

JFK at the French debates: every right-wing politician always looks so innocent standing up there talking on the podium. they're cute, they're doing it for the people, they'll get the job done. they'll get the job done right.
Marine Le Pen: ...
JFK: watch it, Miss Marine, i was in the Navy. that's SUBmarine to you!!! AND i was on the Harvard swim team!!!!!!!!!!.........and the Princeton swim team for one lap.

Gladyce: whenever you've been out in the forest for a long stretch and it's raining outside and you fustle and fidget with your keys but you're about to open The Treehouse door, say a little prayer as you enter your hearth again.

Fred Armisen at the Kennedy compound in Maine: Nat, you KNOW i don't like anybody seeing me in my swim trunks but you. i don't have a lot of hair on my chest.
Natasha Lyonne with Pete Davidson raccoon eyes: isn't that a good thing? it was a good thing in the '80s. also, aren't i supposed to be a lesbian? look Freddie, what's the point of having a red-brick swimming pool if we don't throw Gatsby parties in the middle of the day?
The Pope: Putin eats shit. no, really. he loves poo-play.
Amber Heard: i heard that!!!
Elon Musk: i bought Instagram.
Johnny Depp: i have a British accent in court.........for some reason. like all actors, i'm an introvert in real life.
Amber Heard: it's SO condescending the way you say "Ms. Heard".
Johnny Depp: MISHEARD, get it?
The Pope: Putin tried poo-play with me. i saw it with my own two holy-water-cleared eyes, he poo'd on my body in the Vatican boudoir.

Elie Mystal: unlike Don King, i'm a REAL wizard of black magic. every black man who becomes a Harvard professor MUST have hair like this, like my hair is, and this is AFTER i was on the Harvard swim team!!! Don King couldn't fix Mike Tyson cos Don King is PT Barnum. i will fix Herschel Walker.

Nic Cage at the Inauguration: for my next film i'm wearing green paint all over my face. no it's not a war movie, i'm playing Miss Piggy's love interest...

me: the while spaghetti n clams thing, i just don't know if i'm ready.
Cirra: even if it's prepared by Sasha Grey herself?

Emma Conybeare in studio: 2019 was my bad year, my dark year, my depression year. 2019 was also the year the 'orns FINALLY won the FA Cup. there's a lesson in there somewhere...

Gladyce at the tavern eats a peanut butter sandwich.
Gladyce: dear do you eat it like this?
Doryce: i can only eat it if it's two SEPARATE slices of bread with peanut butter spread spread on each slice. and toasted.

Greykid in a wheelbarrow: if you're in the hospital for a whole week, is that a bad thing or a good thing?...

Mardith at the dining hall: you know, the perfect gift you can give a girl on Easter is one glazed donut with blue and yellow sprinkles. it's filling, it's not too little, not too much. i can't eat a whole feast.
Madame Pons: you eat to your heart's content, babe. eat ALL the roast.

Jigen: in the first episode, "Episode 0: The Times", notice me at the bar drinking old whiskey. look above at the ceiling, notice the lights?.........they're stagelights.

Billy Crystal on the potter's stage: i was Bill Crystal when i was a young comic just starting out. but i'm no political newspaperman for the wrong side so i changed it. it's so bizarre when i did standup for Saturday Night Live in 1976 and NOBODY in the audience knew who i was. yeah in the early days i made my bones as a white man exclusively doing impressions of black men in jazz clubs...

Dirg: nobody wants to eat alone in public.........but i eat alone at home every night.

Will Smith in a white robe: not great timing with my autobiography coming out a couple of months before...

Anthony Bourdain: hi, i'm the new manciple at the monastery. the monastery manciple. but i disappear for large stretches of time...

Brother Anthony Bourdain: i feel comfortable at the monastery, it looks like one of those quaint Medieval European villages where i met my end. i'm here at the moment right now to confirm our newest monk. Will Smith, will you step forward and bow your head. damn i never realized how tall you were.
Brother Anthony Bourdain slaps Will Smith on both cheeks to confirm the confirmation.
Brother Tony: WAKE UP!!! you're a monk. congratulations. arise, go forth and be a vessel of love in this world.

Thom Yorke at the pub: Radiohead, Bush, all bands named after places in England named Head. there's a lot of head in Britain.

The Strokes: wait.........all our songs just sound like The Who's "My Generation".

Chris Rock: Disney Presents.........Planet Possible.

Hello Meteor: wait, is this guy in my youtube comments my fan or is he trying to rip me off?

Gladyce: i thought i broke the eggs. i saw chips flying everywhere!!! i was sure i would be met with a carton full of creamy yolk. but it was just grey pieces of flint from the carton...

The Bagel Bakery in their new stone Smurf house location: and THAT is why we're still in business.........have you tasted our bagels? you haven't tasted a bagel THIS good in 27 years!!! nobody pops the poppy seeds like we do!!! you'd come into our store just for one of our PLAIN bagels with no butter!!!

at Jackie O's bachelorette party, all the girls are jumping on tables and dancing. Jackie O squirts mustard into Maiara Walsh's mouth.
Maiara Walsh: wow. what a sensation. and what is this for exactly? is this supposed to imitate the taste of cum? are we all practicing for our wedding nights?
Doryce: i like that coarse country mustard that's just a heap of tiny balls rolling down my throat.
Gladyce: that mustard's so thick you can't even shake the glass-bulb bottle to mix it!!!
Jackie O brings out a tray of wine coolers in bottles shaped like glass penises...

Greykid on the grass: when i lie down on my side on the lawn, i look like a lump of dirt in the grass, a small hill.
Boc: that ain't no lie, i gotta watch it when i'm watering.

Mayim Bialik in a maiden dress: NOT COOL, TV GUIDE!!! did not appreciate that cover!!! now i know how Cecily Strong felt...

Dr. Rick from Progressive Insurance at the Tithe Tower: you are my favorite kind of president, JFK. when was the last time you clapped after a movie?
JFK: i only experienced this once. Saving Private Ryan. i was so moved by that film, it touched me in the good place. took me back to my greenhorn-in-green-fatigues Private days. it was so surreal in there, nobody saw this coming, nobody thought it would happen. but after it ended EVERYBODY in the movie theatre including me stood up and started clapping slowly. it was infectious, it was this rare organic human moment.
Dr. Rick: nobody who made the movie is in the theater.........this isn't Cannes.

Jesus: people don't know this about me but i was a vegetarian. yeah, pescatarian, fish-meat only. at The Last Supper for everybody for me and the fellas i ordered out for pizza. i only go to Burger King for the Frozen Cokes... 

Jessica Cruel wearing a scribe hat in her seat at the scribe's she owns: it's not what you think.........although i am the editor of a beauty magazine. Cruel rhymes with Allure, right?

Takahashi at Borders Books: i'm glad Erica Jong happened to be married to a Jong at the time her seminal work Fear of Flying got published, it gave her an exotic-sounding name that people remember to this day.

Bo Burnham wearing a scribe hat: i'm STILL not as weird as Larry Bird...

Michael Weiss wearing a scribe hat: i have a thing for Jungian bodies of work, i'm thirsty for her. you know, it's rude when someone is giving you a long heartfelt confession as a text in your Instagram DMs and you reply by marking that bubble with a tiny prayer-hands emoji, at least have the courtesy to reply with a BIG prayer-hands emoji.

Eye Luggage: The Canterbury Tales from 1972 and go, Pasolini's Canterbury Tales.
Pasolini: um, can we take just a moment to reflect on my life and times? how MY REAL LIFE is more insane than any story a scribe could write out of whole Canterbury cloth. i mean all i wanted to do was marry my husband. the way i died, mob-style, getting my testicles crushed in the most grisly ghastly horrid INHUMANE way possible. over what? WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?!!!!!!!!!! did i murder anyone? i was an artist, I WAS SIMPLY AN ARTIST!!!!!!!!!
JFK: good thing i was never hunted by the mob like that...

Pasolini: was i an atheist? of course, i wasn't scared of anybody or any entity.
Fuerza: i like the spunk on you, kid.
Pasolini: was i a threat to the government? no, how? a threat to societal order and civilization? i was against REPRESSION. are my films offensive? no, they're sexually liberating. every human being needs to come to terms with his or her or their own deep intrinsic sexuality if they want to live a life of sound mental health and true freedom. i'm doing humanity a SERVICE!!! not a church service!!!

Pasolini: speaking of, i confess. i have a Confession to make. yeah i was, uh, not in the best mood while i was making this, i was in a foul mood the whole time, you could tell with all the fowl and chickens running around on set. my secret not-secret boyfriend Ninetto Davoli dumped me to marry a woman. i mean talk about the double-doink!!! Ninetto was a shit lover in the sack anyway. his penis looked good on film tho. Ninetto, i just love saying that name.

Pasolini: times were simple in medieval Europe. times were easy and easy-going. there was no internet, all you did ALL DAY was wheelbarrow hay around the faire, chase chickens, then eat a communal meal with the rest of the village at the castle dining hall with all the cows and livestock at your table. and burn effigies at night.

Pasolini: a couple of scenes i worked hard on were scrapped, mysteriously deleted, and are lost to the sands of time. a scene i did of Jack Nicklaus golfing at that magic green forest. and The Tale of Sir Thopas with the erection atop Mount Fuji, i guess the world thought it didn't make sense but it makes perfect sense as an origin story. women in Chaucerian times had tan lines, they weren't from bikinis, they were from witches' cursemarks. oh God the dubbing!!! i fucking HATED the dubbing!! i had to read aloud verbatim feed the lines to the actors who were illiterate. it just fed into the narrative that all actors are dumb. 
John Belushi: see?
Pasolini: but then the non-pro actors would club-fight, fight in clubs with clubs and knives, and i'd feel better again.

Pasolini at Charlie Chaplin's house.
Pasolini: i'm sorry, sir, but your daughter Josephine's gonna have to get naked with me.
Charlie: if it means being in one of your peerless art films, dem's the breaks, kid. go forth and be naked, i'll cover my eyes, your mother won't tho. don't worry, daughter, none of the sex is real, right?
Pasolini: uh, right. i feel like Joe Paterno visiting college recruits at their homes.
Josephine: if i get naked you gotta PAY me!!! this '70s porn will ensure i get that Palm Springs shack i've always wanted...

The Wife of Bath: i'm obviously the star of this. i'm the most sexually-liberated woman in the Middle Ages OF ALL TIME!!! and yet a lot of my stuff was left out.
Pasolini: tell me about it, gurl. i wanted to SHOW you giving Doctor Who a handjob.
Wife of Bath: there was a scene that shows my instrument. and one where you saw me peeing. i'm COMFORTABLE having so many husbands and so many wild liaisons with strange and stranger men. my best line is about my fifth ex who dies mysteriously:

"may God save his soul from Hell. now i await my sixth husband."

woad: between a jest and a joke, many a truth is told.
Pasolini: exactly.
woad: imagine if we could solve our differences, our squabbles and our wars, by containing them within words instead of having to kill each other.
Pasolini: i love your facepaint. you're either from New Zealand, play rugby, wrestle, or know The Rock or Saint Notre Dame.
woad: and i love the paint on your face, it looks like one of those special certified envelopes with the trim of red, blue, and WHITE stripes.
Pasolini: i don't do the blue anymore cos of Mel Gibson.

Pasolini: so all of these tales involve sex. the public would say DEVOLVE into sex. but sex and death, these two things are all that humans are. gay sex at that, FINALLY.

The Tabard Inn: I AM REAL!!! I STILL EXIST!!! not The Bard. this is where Papa Smurf gave Smurfette her first beer. after that incident we only served TaB cola from then on...

The Tabard: i used to be Chaucer's Globe Theatre!! now i stage off-off-Broadway Shakespeare plays for Hugh Grant's children... 

boatsman: i got a piece of St. Peter's sail. from his boat where those wild parties took place. it's The Shroud of Turin but seaworthy.

The Merchant's Tale merchant: i must take a young wife but i'm afraid i'll BREAK her in bed, not cos of my sexual prowess but because i'm fat. 
Josephine Chaplin: oooooooh, who is that David Bowie in the Disco Gold jacket!!! those hypnotic sparkly blue eyes of his just looked at me eating as i fed with my mouth open and full of chickenleg.

the merchant: I DID IT! I CUMMED! for the first time, finally, i was in my 60s. now i DANCE funnily cos all men are boys who just want to get laid. I'M BLIND!!! I'VE BEEN STRUCK BLIND BY ZEUS!!!
Pluto: here, these are the first glasses.
merchant: thanks. am i being cucked? i hate that word, fill my mouth with mulberries whenever i say that word.
Persephone: look at this magnificent garden!!! it's so beautiful!!! these gigantic green shrubs are like giant green gumdrops!!! perfect for GOLF!!!
Pluto: right? naked golf.
Josephine Chapman: husband, i call you SIR cos i still love you, and shouldn't your name be December? David Bowie is just my toy boy, we are a natural couple, you are an old disgusting fusspot pervert, you're hallucinating all this, husband, those mulberries are acid pods.

Dirg: wow, Pasolini has a little girl lift the skirt up to show that woman's buttocks.

summoner: not a warlock, i'm the tax man. i witnessed an orgy. sodomy.
Pasolini: you make it sound so sinful, it's just two men having sex.
summoner: the one who can't pay the tax, the poor guy uh poor gay, will be burned alive at the stake, a non-wrestling cage. as a precursor to Hell, give him a little taste.
Laertus: yeah this scene was HORRIFYING, that poor man being burned alive and all the townsfolk just stand there eating hot-cross pretzel buns. jolly cakes filled with red cream. waffle cones.
Pasolini: apparently i could show THIS tho, death right before your eyes.
summoner: you like bacon?
devil: only when it's on the grill.
summoner: this poor woman's pitcher. she could have sold it on Amazon and the Yankees would FINALLY win the World Series!!! 
devil: water is overrated. Old Pitch, that's where my nickname comes from...

Josephine: HEY!!! your boyfriend is acting like my father!!!
Pasolini: sorry, i had to write a scene for him or i'd never get invited to the wedding. 
Perkin: why do i have to work? i'm a good bowler.
Pasolini: you WEAR a bowler!!!
Perkin: my dad is a midget, i could beat him up at any time. i'll just collect unemployment. or become one of those bakers who only makes silver tins of whipped cream.
Perkin: i was the goofy thief. but i was never a liar. i dreamt everyone at the dance party was naked...
Pasolini: me, too. people dance at weddings? remember: RHYTHM: Rhythm Helps Your Two Hips Move.
Perkin in the stocks: i threw the dice in the Thames River, you'll NEVER fish them out!!! i used to polish eggs. no that isn't a euphemism, that was my real job!!!

Pasolini: wife?
wife: yes?
Pasolini: you don't exist. women don't exist in my life. why does my scribe hat look like Finn from Adventure Time? why did everyone in Medieval times wear nightcaps all day? Medieval scribes used to draw butt-trumpets in the margins of our parchment pages to voice our displeasure with the word content of our scrolls. 
Sergio Aragones cries.
JFK: it's better than burning books.

Pasolini: this is dumb, why am i scribing this Bible? people are paying for greasy-spoon diner meals with Scripture instead of money!!!
Dirg: i for one would have accepted that form of payment for my blue-collar job.

Nicolas: i am in a massive trance. i attend a lot of raves. have you heard of Coachella?
carpenter: i know what a circus is. so a Great Flood is coming?
Nicolas: sure, it happened with Noah, why wouldn't it happen again? stay in this bucket like a drip while i have sex with your wife.
Pete Davidson smiles.
Alison: Alison? am i a Medieval wench or on Friends?
Absolon: kiss me once. just once. don't try to trick me, i can run acres round you.
Alison: i'll fart in your face but that costs extra. 
Absolon: this is a salon after all. i shall have my revenge!!! behold: HOT POKER!!!
the throuple play a round of poker with their clothes on...

The Wife of Bath peeping: look at the cock on Doctor Who, it's not that big.
handmaiden: actually, ma'am, that's QUITE large in this era.
Wife of Bath: oh i see!!! blood means gold so i'll wear all red all the time. i hit my head on a giant metal vase but why did i get a concussion? the HAT i wear is so Kentucky-Derby OSTENTATIOUS it protected my head like a football helmet!!! wow, a church that does BOTH WEDDINGS AND FUNERALS!!!
Doctor Who: Eve and Xanthippe, terrible aliens i had to battle.
Wife of Bath: you're just a big nerd!!! 
Tom Baker: the Nose Knows, bite it. viewers have now seen Doctor Who naked AS A MAN AND AS A WOMAN.

The Reeve's Tale: not Inside Edition. the one with the two women who greet the weary travelers by sticking their tuchuses out the barn door.
women: those were our faces, we swear!!! that's how we collect the mail.
miller: bran is the best grain. bran is brain food. i've seen horses run away on two legs. 
scholars: what's this crib doing here? 
Maury: you two ARE the father.

pardoner: this is turning into Clue
brothel: our girls specialize in cleaning smegma. so the BDSM is harmless.
Death: i killed him cos that loud lout obnoxious disruptive partypooper urinated in my mouth without paying me extra.
Dick the Sparrow: why'd you trust me with a name like that? i'm a dick, i only trust birds. i poisoned the wine caskets, i wasn't giving you the thumbs-up faraway from the oak tree, it was the two-fingers. three thieves never work out, it has to be two so they can become lovers.
old man: respect your elders, you skateboard punks. i fought in the War!!! for potatoes!!!

Last Tale: why does this angel look like a Sweathog from Welcome Back, Kotter? and now this thing turns into the mud pit from the Smashing Pumpkins "Bullet with Butterfly Wings" music video.
Satan: if you want me to fart you out of my butt it'll cost extra. pay it this time.

Pasolini: look at my cute smile at the end here. see? i regret NOTHING. i won't give a deathbed retraction of all my life's work like ol' Geoff Chaucer did. i'm PROUD of my filth!!!
John Waters: i love you.

Pasolini: and i, late in death, in advance of real life, i drink the nightmare of light like a dazzling wine. Happy Easter, everyone, g'night gente.

lead singer of Primitive Radio Gods: ...
lead singer of Primitive Radio Gods: *drinks dazzling wine*

Doryce: this is too hard.
Gladyce: i hear ya, girl.
Doryce: i mean dear i studied hard and got into Harvard. only to join the swim team and you know how much we witches are scared of water. but he wasn't there. it's hard being a JFK groupie following him around all over the globe when EVERY woman is a JFK groupie!!!
Gladyce: i have an idea to sway you from your troubles. let's go to the ultimate coven!!! for The Golden Girls!!! Golden Con!!!