Friday, December 31, 2021




* love you, Betty White. more than Ryan Reynolds.

* Milk Makeup: does a body good

* Nuzzle Pillow: 1001 Arabian Nights

* Duke's Mayo: in no way associated with lacrosse 

* John Basedow: i'm a pirate now.

* woman struggling with her purse at the start of the BBC-America broadcast: first meme of 2022...

* hot dog brown: there's a new Charlie Brown Special! about New Year's! you don't have to keep watching the Christmas one!

* Takahashi: The Descent is a horror film, but the real horror film is The Last Descent...
Dirg: nutty putty? really? come on.
Jerry Lewis: ...

* The Cheese Touch! the real decision we as a society have to make is whether we all just collectively move on to the animated film and series and miniseries and limited feature to come and forget the live-action movies ever existed or .........i just forgot what i was saying, what i was talking about...i ate some green cheese stuck to the black asphalt playground ground by the jungle gym...

* Off The Air: bad touch gets us canceled...

* it's called touch there's gonna be some nudity, some MA-S

* people arriving at a party: not an algebra question

* what was behind that curtain?.........the Toyota lady babe!

* this is the commercial Blow Pop couldn't show. a giant red butt not red from spanking but red from latex. 

* Ryan Gosling: you were born, so you are free, this is very MY Blade Runner...

* don't be a butthead! don't smoke! see? Eve and Eve

* Marc Maron: i was never in Toto. bring back REAL UNDERWEAR, the dingy-white stuff, no more boxers! this orange sweater comes from a '70s episode of Sesame Street, did you know we never throw puppets away, all the used felt becomes clothes for the Henson children. i'm keeping my hair long i refuse to cut it till Brad Neely gets a new show...

* innocent child-toy squeak. the raven looks haggard and wine-sotted cos he hasn't been asked to be quoted for a spell

* don't push the button up top, massage the clitoris underneath

* oh i get it, i can never cross the street tho i see the other side, it's a metaphor, the cruelty of life. all that will happen is i get some liquid soap in my palm. only my hand can reach the other side, not me. 

* it's good seeing Eric from Tim & Eric getting work these days, he's been all but forgotten...


* king of the universe: why are you green?
minion: cos i'm green with envy at your power.
king: this animation is from the '70s Star Wars short The Story of the Faithful Wookiee...

* Will Forte: it's me with my regular voice...

* green guy: they held hands! that's disgusting! everyone knows the only acceptable position is to squat!

* king: that's like so so so so stupid. like the electoral college, you know? just go back to the popular vote...

* king: now you guys can go back to running a train......i assumed with that conductor's hat you have on...

* your pits are that tadpole that needs a YMCA pool

* that's just a Jane Fonda WORKOUT video not porn

* complex poetry doesn't rhyme...

* help me, Rhonda. for the record i BOUGHT an anaconda i don't HAVE an anaconda

* you know i've never been able to touch the liquid inside my ipad-mini screen

* Nigerians do it better

* don't smell my pits, bro

* oh shit! turns out we're ONE PERSON! there's no river under us! WE'RE the bridge over troubled waters!
Bruce Lee: *thumbs up*
Bruce Lee: maybe if my name had been Brice...

* the Nigerian Alan Watts is saying something profound right now. something about choking yourself...

* Guillermo del Toro: i'm out. not freaky enough for me.
imagine The Hunchback of Notre Dame but a female with bad skin...

* the chin is very sensitive, Tool videos taught us that.

* this isn't saliva it's my coagulated love juice.

* there's a baby growing inside of you after our encounter, you are pregnant in your throat...

* it's a Plympton cartoon in real life!

* The Second Coming Culling will be a Paul Thomas Anderson scene of getting sunset moonset truck gas...

* puppet show from Hell, filmed in Filmation!

* these lyrics are our tech future...

* the technicolor-rainbow-warp-speed scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey is like everything else being rebooted for the millennials. as is Carl from ATHF, Carl would never parachute, too dumpy.

happy 2022, my babies. happy new year but it'll never be a good year again in a world without Betty White. who's left to give us a laugh smile chuckle and light breeze for our day? remember, McDonalds is the only thing open tomorrow. tonight drink enough that in the morning you remember Andy & Andy's tequila snow but forget Rob Schneider has a twitter... 

Wednesday, December 29, 2021



Kathy Griffin at the SAG-AFTRA meeting: i mean when i really die you'll not know it *audience laughs*. no i'm serious, i will ACTUALLY die and the WORLD will think it's a joke...
Jillian Clare raises her head in her new blue-acetate glasses to take a look.
Jillian: ho ho ho, Kathy Griffin. not Christmas, ho ho ho, Kathy Griffin.

Ghislaine Maxwell: i once spoke before the UN General Assembly...

Jean Shrimpton: don't call me a shrimp! i wasn't thin like Twiggy. i wore the first bow in hair. i liked wearing hats more than clothes. i wanted that princess's arabesque hat. yes i look like a stringy-haired grey witch now but who cares?
Gladyce: you look like a CRONE, babe!
Doryce: when i thought of a witch i thought of your young face, that face was powerful to me as a kid.

Nine Culliford: without me, the Smurfs would have been skin-colored.........think about that for a minute...

Dirg: if it's a Mexican restaurant it has to serve french fries.
Jodie Foster: have the flan not the rice pudding.
Jodie Foster: *retching* ugh, rice pudding.
John Daly: eat, drink, be merry, and spend $400 at Taco Bell. for tomorrow we die.

Pete Davidson: i just want this Kim K relationship thing to last long enough so i get that wedding i've always dreamed of...

Camus: i was into BDSM...

Arron Hough: everyone on social media wants to be unique and stand out. i did it by taping a mic to my forehead...

Shimmering Solstice: we want the original lead singer of Fuel back...

Mardith: the lawyer representing Jane Doe in Roe v. Wade has died at this time, these things don't happen by accident.
Dirg: Doe v. Wade? Die v. Wade?

David Byrne on a bike: i am WAY better-looking than Gael Garcia Bernal, i got the beady eyes, i could play a young Abe Lincoln...
Lance Lear: ...

Dirg: everyone on Instagram has a birthday on December 25. makes sense, they are starved for attention...

Melissa Maker: loose cleft lips sink ships...

James Taylor: i smile. i smile, right? i smile all the time! don't i? i'm a helpful friend, aren't i? right?!!!

Dirg: you're spam to me.
Rubikon: keep that energy, play boy.

Michael Weiss in a Goofy hat: i am Sabine's son. everyone's last pic on Instagram for 2021 is them on a bridge looking out longingly.........i hope they don't jump...
Sabine Weiss: without me there'd be no The Exorcist! it would be NOTHING...

President Biden: they call me Prudent Biden. Bump fixes me eggs and a bowl of cereal in hot milk and an ice cube every breakfast morning.

Jake Paul: i shoulda been an anonymous Navy SEAL. 
Julia Rose: i'm from Star Trek...
Winnipesaukee: Jen Psaki the hunnypot lives here, she does P.E. exercises in the crunchy woods across the lake by Walden Pond...

the Smurf Forest is but a leaf of Leaf Village...
Suzy Lu: KAKASHI! my Knight in Shining Armor! my savior!
Kakashi: shhhh, keep it down.
Suzy Lu: right right. right, right. secret spy stuff. what are you doing now?
Kakashi: i'm taking off my mask so i can lick out your buttery Scottish twat.
Suzy: you'd lick my cunt up for little ol' me? i KNEW you weren't a selfish lover!!! that's what i love about you!!!

Suzy: i need help. there's no way i'm gonna be able to amass the votes Jillian has. i can't compete. i need to expand my brand.
Kakashi: you need to flood the market at all the comic cons around the world. swoop up all the nerds. here, let me help you draw a nice animated open for your youtube videos, a cartoon version of you and me your boyfriend by the fire on a couch. there, see?
Suzy: WOW it's so good!!!
Kakashi: i've a bit of knowledge when it comes to animation. now you'll get the views!!!

Suzy: i gotta make a splash at Comic Con in New York.
Kakashi: easy. make a lifesize model of the Loch Ness Monster, your home pet.
Suzy: tis true, Nessie resides in the lake behind my log cabin.
Kakashi: Loch Ness Monster cosplay is easy to sew, i'll do it for you, just get me needle, thread, a button, and a ladybug on my shoulder.

Kakashi: i used my mini-prong for a needle. okay we have to make love inside the dragonfire mouth of the Loch Ness Monster, it has to be hot enough you know.
Suzy: right. 
Kakashi: plus her spikes are natural dildos. ready?
Kakashi takes his ninja mask off, under it is an n95 mask which he takes off.
Kakashi: i've been wearing this mask since 1995.
Suzy: oh WOW. okay okay i see it, you ARE handsome. but you're also just kind of a regular bloke, that's what i love about you.

Kakashi thrusts Suzy Lu for an entire day, a full 24-hour complete cycle of time. Suzy is utterly naked save for the saddle shoes she wears and bends upwards at the point.
Suzy: Kak, can you cum all over my teeth for me? yeah that bit. my teeth are broken. my jaw is like two earthquake plates sliding awkwardly against each other creating rough rubbed sandpaper. i'm trying to avoid dental surgery here which would be connected to my backbone.
Kakashi: ouch. i am so sorry for your pain, i know pain. 
Kakashi: I'M CUMMING!!!!!!!!!!
Suzy: on.........thank you for doing this, your cum tastes like Pepsodent against my teeth. 
Kakashi: i know what will cure your mouth. i must on to a quest! to find the 11 secret herbs and spices that are ground up in the green-cloud mountains to make Ricola hard-as-fuck brown lined candy cough drops. 
Colonel Sanders: ...
Suzy: right. oi yea that's what i need! those rare Swedish herbal plants.
Ingmar Bergman: ...
Kakashi: pot isn't one of the 11. 
Cheech: sheesh. 
Kakashi: your wellness is my pleasure, milady. no journey is too treacherous for you. 
Suzy Lu, blushing: OH KAKASHI
Suzy Lu: us Scots, when we blush you REALLY see it on our face!!! i'm blushing to avoid smiling.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Julia Ioffe: propeller beanies are sexy.

Eye: Being the Ricardos and go.
Damon Runyon: wait...i'm Aaron Sorkin's father aren't i...
Aaron Sorkin: thanks, pop. you cried all the tears that wetted Broadway planks so there were no tears left for me, that hardened me against all the blistering criticism i've taken my entire career.
Damon: they're just jealous. 
Aaron: plus i learned early how to fly a plane, i was the one sprinkling your ashes from the sky down below on top of a Broadway production of Annie. how's THAT for whitewashing!!!

Dirg: why is the whole movie from beginning to end so DARK?!!! no lighting whatsoever.
Aaron Sorkin: covid.

Laertus's dad: gotta say, Aaron Sorkin is my hero. my writing hero anyway. he can write it like nobody's business, we share similar writing styles. in fact i'd dare say HE copied MY style!!!
Laertus: thanks, pop. i get it. i share your sentiment. Aaron is the man. he gets lambasted and skewered in the print press and electronic media but his writing is so rapidfire and indulgent and spitty i think people are a little creeped out cos Aaron writes exactly what you were THINKING, he's in your HEAD!!! he knows the next line before you've conjured it, dreamt of it, the next banter in the tete-a-tete conversation dialogue.

Eye: can i just say, i mean imagine if people in real life ACTUALLY talked like an Aaron Sorkin script. like this was how two people communicated to each other behind closed doors just in their private den. with flowery analogies and wordy welling explanations topped to the rim with obscure references and Archer aplomb. constantly monologuing both exterior and interior. that would be AWESOME!!!

Sorkin: why can't a straight man play a gay man? it's called ACTING, people!!!
Pedro from Real World: it's called OPPORTUNITY, numbnuts!!! it's weird cos you actually look gay but you're just another boring straight white man.

Lucie Arnaz: i cried when Cate Blanchett turned down the role of my mom...
Nicole Kidman: but why? it's a sacred pact amongst actresses, it's of the stars, whoever doesn't get the part has to keep mum about it and just take it on the cosmetically-surgeried cleft chin. i did a good job. i did a DAMN good job.
Dirg: hey Lucie Arnaz, was it weird seeing your folks get it on? like you're actually witnessing watching on screen on the big silver screen your two parents naked fucking in a cheap hotel bed making you. that's gotta be weird.

Lucy: to this day i don't get the separate-beds thing, our beds were pushed together for the pilot episode.

Lucy Ricardo; i come from Jamestown, New York, home of Coney Island beanless chili...
Hormel plant located in Cuba: can you still call it chili if there's no meat?...

Dirg: see? the end of the Sublime "Wrong Way" music video, it's a 5G tower. it's all coming together. 

Javier Bardem: you gotta admit i NAILED that accent. the Ricky Ricardo accent is very hard to maintain, it's so over-the-top and exaggerated i had to chew on 11 Ricolas in my mouth to get it just right.

Vivian Vance: do you see now why i was so surly all the time? i had to be the dumpy housewife opposite Lucille Ball even though i was a hot starlet myself. against the queen of no-water-at-7PM. and there is no WAY in hell in real life that i'd get saddled with an old fart like Fred! i'd kill myself first! which isn't to say working with JK wasn't a pleasure. yeah he's actually a nice guy in real life, it's just nobody sees him in real life so people think he's a monster.
Fred Mertz: where's my story, Peter Parker! wait you're not Peter Parker. why the FUCK wasn't i in the Spider-Man movie that made a fucking BILLION dollars!!!? get on the Peloton, Ethel! your ass looks like two kettledrums!

Lucy: Ethel i don't like you going on those crash diets where you drink only milkshakes! you're gonna collapse like Karen Carpenter! 
Ethel: who's that?
Lucy: trust me i know. i am an eternal being. you will never be skinny like me! this isn't a frenemy thing, i'm genuinely concerned for your health. i care about you a lot. if you must try those Marie Osmond shakes, they at least have a banana in them.

Tony Hale: it's weird when a Bluth is serious.

Linda Lavin: remember me? ALICE! aren't i hot as a gilf? i learned to play baseball when my kid dropped out, problem is there's no women's baseball anywhere around the world. i will only go back to Will & Grace when they start filming at Denny's again...

Sorkin: three things here, Lucy's a commie, Lucy with child, Ricky cheating on Lucy.
Dirg: all three caused by socialism.

Alia Shawkat: Madelyn Pugh was a REVOLUTIONARY holy writer! getting away with ribald takes on life love and marriage in the '50s in a smoky male writer's room.
male writer: why you always gotta break my balls? jealous you don't have any?
Alia: i do get some. lots. plenty, from the monks. oh you mean balls...

Laertus: Sorkin i love ya, but honestly when i watched this Fred & Ethel scene i suspended disbelief at every corner, it didn't need to be explained to me scientifically with the Series Bible or anything, i had fun watching I Love Lucy.

Ricky: Lucy is that why you dyed your hair red? cos you're a Communist?
Lucy: no Ricky. i mean Desi.
Desi: i LIVED through that shit, you just got a card, you just got carded. all the animals were slaughtered in front of my eyes. 
Mlem and Blep cry.
Desi: so can you cut me some slack? can i have ONE sidepiece?

Ricky: i'm not Indian. the show shoulda been taped in Bollywood at the time, more lenient over there. they SHOW childbirth in Bollywood!
Shatner kisses Lucy on the mouth.
Shatner: without you i wouldn't have gone up into real space.
Shatner: wow, i've never seen a grown woman cry.

Howard Wenke: did you attend a meeting?
Lucy: i did it for my grandfather, and the workers. you know, workers' rights? all we did was play bridge and cribbage in the meeting. don't make me wank you off, i fucked my husband.
Howard: i'm a member of the Marvel Metaverse.
Mark Zuckerberg: ...
Lucy: are you a good guy or a bad guy?
Howard: good guy.
Lucy: the good guys are boring. that don't impress me much. i'm a Communist what's it to you? would you really fire me and sink the biggest moneymaker this studio has ever seen?
Howard: no. you're right. we wouldn't do anything to you if you declared that. this whole thing is a Red herring...

Lucy: wait was i really this surly and serious and gloomy in real life?
Nicole Kidman, eyes wide: right?
Lucy: they wouldn't give me a part cos i was an old woman...
Madonna: PREACH ON, SISTA!!!
Lucy: dye your hair red first, bitch!

Ricky: you know what Babalou means? a girl with jugs the size of bongo drums.
Matthew McConaughey: ... come on, man...
Ricky: Havana Pete was my father. his suit was so white it broke the moon, that's why the waves made Cuba into an island, they were so fierce they broke off the chunk of land.

Fred Mertz: let's go to the bar, i day-drink on set. i'm so fat in my bottom i need 14 Larry King suspenders to pull my pants up.
Lucy: i massage male egos for a living. i can't wait for ego death.
Fred: give me one of those Orient massages woulda?
Lucy: NOT NOW, FRED!!!
Fred: what do you drink?
Lucy: nothing, i'd rather have a tetanus shot.
Sorkin: you mean covid shot...

Laertus's dad: oh god the sweet strains of that brassy big-band music playing the I Love Lucy theme in those The Voice white gilded chairs! brings back such dank memories of me as a boy eating wood wheels.

Alia: so i'm thinking one episode where Charles Boyer falls madly in love with Ethel.........this can happen in real life, take me and Brad Pitt...
Lucy: are you a Cuban singer?
Alia: they're infantilizing you, you literally say WAHHHHHHHH!!!
Lucy: i hate doing that. i sound fake when i'm crying, cos i've never cried in my life, i'm always serious off set.

Desi: hello ladies and gentlemen, i have J Edgar Hoover on the phone with us confirming Lucy is not a Bolshevik. J Edgar?
Hoover: i wear women's clothes.
Desi: but is my wife bad?
Hoover: i roleplay as a baby...

Lucy: this scene hits hard, it was true this is how i felt. as long as i was on this famous living-room set, this hallowed stage with the questionable Chinese pictures, i felt safe and sound from the rain. this is where i could IMAGINE how i wanted my marriage to be, Desi would never leave me, we'd have dinner at home every day of the week. I Love Lucy was literally me writing imaginary scenes of how i wanted my real marriage to be, bathed in blissful domesticity. it was me trying to manifest reality with a fictional show.
Mardith: *thumbs up*

Lucy: we shoulda called the show Cards, me and my Communist card-carrying and Ricky playing cards on a boat. no one plays cards on a boat.
JK Mertz: when are YOU gonna be funny?
Nina Arianda: that linereading was so brutal i felt it down my throat.
Sorkin: speaking of throats, the whole I Love Lucy thing where i wrote that the I made Ricky the head of the show cos it came before the word Lucy, that was brilliant! that was very mathematical writing from me there on my part! writing about writing, it's what i do best. drama is the way you get out of situations...and block them...

Sorkin: what you gotta understand is...the only thing you have to remember from this, to take from this, to take out of this, is the line at the end:

Lucy, i'm home!

Sorkin: see? see what i did there? Desi is saying: Lucy, I AM YOUR HOME. you can always come back to me, i won't leave you for hookers, i am your stability, your children, and your dinner. 
Nicole Kidman: that scene got to me, i had to pause and shed real tears when i thought about my real-life situation with the short man.
Laertus's dad: i'm crying real tears right now over here, that was very emotional, i HATE seeing Lucy so sad like that. her dreams are dashed, her life is sheared into red ribbons, shredded to confetti, the storybook ending doesn't happen, she divorces Desi right after this scene. and takes up with a man who is intentionally funny.
Sorkin: g'night folks.
JK Simmons: here's your basket of chopped-up flowers.

Sorkin: we didn't film at the Chateau Marmont because...
John Belushi: ...because of me. 
Bakshi: not me.
John Belushi: despite what the papers said there wasn't a marmot in my anus. my body was clean. 
Cathy Smith: No. 3, ring any bells?
Belushi: yeah my head is still ringing.
Cathy Smith: sorry for giving you that speedball. i didn't mean to. i didn't mean it. it wasn't for gardening. turns out life isn't a wobbly nervousy comic strip, it's dead real.
Belushi: that's okay. turns out i didn't really want to die. but i also kinda did. all i wanted to do was type up a new script and take my show on the road to Albania where i woulda killed or been killed. later i saw Bill Murray get out of the very same taxi in Japan i ran into in my youth and didn't feel a thing in my head. g'night folks.

Belushi: my final words before i croaked were:


Monday, December 27, 2021



1. my favorite thing about 2021 was____ that everything went back to normal...

2. what is something that happened to you in 2021 that you never want to forget? that TWO people ACTUALLY did the monologue! yes, this happened in my life! there ARE good people still out there in the world! they are crystalline and menagerie and their tender hearts must be protected at all costs, hold onto these people with your tightest grip and never let them go. in turn be willing to die for them. there are only a very small number of truly special people that still exist in this godforsaken world, i pray that on my journey my eyes won't grow too old weary jaundiced and liver-spotted to spot them. walk past the factory line...

3. what would you like to do differently next year?

stay present. live in the moment. go with the flow. but it ain't easy for me, i'm not content just to have the universe deliver a woman to me on my lap randomly and haphazardly one night at a darts three years from now, rather i have a very specific woman in mind i want to fit into my plans...

4. how do you honor the past whilst staying focused on the future? i watch The Matrix Resurrections knowing that it's just a rehash of the original film

5. next year i am excited to ____ i've never been excited once in my life

BONUS: do you feel jaded at all?

sure. but i realize that whatever situation you are in presently, whatever day it was for you, a bad day or a good day, everyone moves on the next day, whether they want to or not, they're forced to.

it's like Mila Kunis running around navigating an old Los Angeles hotel, going from room to fogged-mirror room, into every Wes Anderson square, until she realizes she was in the garden from that '80s movie Legend all along. and her tears are real. they're the same tears unicorns cry.

Mila feels better about herself in this Aerosmith music video cos she still saw Ashton Kutcher as a coworker. hey, "Jaded"! nice late-stage Aerosmith! the boys were past their prime here, past their peak of "Cryin", but they could still crank out and spawn a nice Mozart-inspired leit riff.


Friday, December 24, 2021




* Doryce: what's that buzzing sound? it's not my vibrator.
Glaydce: it's the portable heater, dear. not DoorDash GrubHub...

* Dr. Greg at the Weather Channel: now you know why i wear those sweaters and waterproof vests all the time.........i drink wine in California where the grapes are just-right temperate......

* NoizeBoy: i'm trying to fit into the Bath Fitter job, the culture here is wet and wild.

* Doryce: i see visions of dancing Wendy's black ridged plastic mini-trays of eaten french fries with the nacho cheese melted and hardened into crust on the edge of the tray impossible to scrape off with my witch's fingernail in my head...

* Queue B: i don't want frenemies, i just want to go to The Store

* Gladyce: frozen chicken is SO good.........but it has to be cooked in the microwave PERFECTLY.

* Eileen Gu on top of a snowy skislope: therefore...

* icky thump: no Bump. there's never been a need for a Mexican Wall.........i knew this 14 years ago...

* Alfred E Neuman: okay i was in the Martin Page "Keeper of the Flame" music video, too. well my creepy mask was...

* Kevin Durant: sorry, man, i just wish i was back in 8th Grade, you know? my life was simpler then.

* Copper Socks
1-800-GOT-JUNK blue-mini-truck driver: *doing the chacha*  hey you wanna dance?
Brett Favre: no, man.

sergeant: we're out here at this abandoned warehouse in Reseda to prove a point, we're doing war exercises just in case.
Phoenix: wait is this a video-game thing or...?
sergeant: Star Wars.
Phoenix: which one?
sergeant: i need these copper socks on my feet.
Phoenix: where's your helmet with the silver shades?

* James Bond: know why i look so cool skiing? champagne snow.

* James Webb Space Telescope: we're using the retro recipe of Honeycomb cereal. 

* Walgreens Beth
Beth: last-minute gift? how exciting! oh it's not for me. son of a...
Walgreens bike messenger: Beth?
Beth: no, bitch. everyone's a bitch. not just Ryan Seacrest. where's my goddamn Disney yacht? where's MY Keanu?!!! I was supposed to play the President on 24!!! where's my grandchild!!!?

* VRBO: your house is not yet a home. you need to fuck and make kids for that. that robot's not a toy it's your master. your gym where you PROUDLY NOW display the Peloton that killed Chris Noth. the music room where you will never produce an album cos you can't even play the drums. your bed which is simply the dog's bed now. mini-Buddha in your yoga shanti where you find out that trying to secure a date with one of those Instagram yoga babes is actually impossible. your science project of the baking-soda volcano is going to regionals!!! 

dog: why are there doors? just have no doors.

panic room: in case you have kids...

VRBO: what you need is that mansion on a hill with the pool top-floor owned by that eccentric Lakers fan, no not Jack Nicholson the other one with the long gray curly hair and black cowboy hat...

* Craig Robinson: why aren't there three pizzas? Triple Treat means to me three pizzas. like my Santa hat made out of the Pizza Hut tiffany lamp?...

* Kohl's: get a Ninja Foodi that somehow grills corn-on-the-cob! and a Nintendo Game Boy that only orders grocery food!

* Mastercard
dog: kissing you so you stop that ridiculous yoga move...
dog: i will mute your Zoom calls forever with my paw...
dog: hey kid gimme that ice cream. yeah, a dog eating ice cream, that sounds like a good idea.
dog: i invented beach soccer, it just took a chewtoy and my digging skills.
dog: oh master! i got your sex toy out of the box!
dog: hey baby i ain't a dog. i'm a Muppet!

dad: um, Lily? can i have a lollipop? that would finally fulfill a fantasy of mine i've had since 5th Grade when i slept overnight in a treehouse.
Lily: dude your wife is literally standing next to you.

Colonel Sanders: avoid the lines and deliver with the app. free fries but you have to call them Freedom Fries...

* TJ Maxx: take an item and a new item appears!!! so you think you're gonna pay for one thing but your Christmas bill ends up destroying you and we swallow your mortgage and you lose your home. get all your home furnishings at TJ Maxx!!!

* Dr. Rick at Progressive: MUGS ARE FOR COFFEE NOT DAD JOKES
Phoenix: FINALLY got it!!

don't worry, Santa's mailbox isn't full, keep texting him, he'll respond. he'll at least give you a Seen. do something for me tonight, stay up all night, don't go to sleep.........let's just see what happens...

Wednesday, December 22, 2021



at the Smurf Forest
Suzy Lu: KAKASHI!!! now THAT's a Christmas prezzie! how are you?
Kakashi: ...
Suzy: oh that's right, you can't talk cos of your mask.
Kakashi: ninja live the covid life everyday. cos ninja always feel they're gonna die today.
Suzy: are you an animal in bed?
Kakashi: find out next week.
Suzy: i've had a crush on you since the day i first laid eyes on you in pre-K.
Kakashi: and i you. i fell in love with you watching your videos.
Suzy: right in THIS case i'll make an exception. it's not parasocial it's true love.
Kakashi: yeah i love how you involve your audience, it's so tender and loving, when you narrate you use the word WE as you watch the protagonist go through the adventure of the anime. not I. you say WE fight or WE fall in love, that makes it all a collective thing, an inclusive thing, breaks down the barrier of the glass screen and makes us all one.
Suzy: i ate glass when i was in pre-K. has a lot to do with the problem i have now.

Bayview High: nobody killed Screech...

John Daly: i kept ordering Taco Bell till they gave me potatoes...

puffy mattress: we bring back the REAL Teen Titans...

Michael Weiss wearing Vanilla Ice Lincoln-hat hair under his chef tophat: you know the only reason i got heavily into Instagram was to order sushi...

H Jon Benjamin: we had a negotiator plotline in our Christmas episode, too, it was gonna be a Die Hard thing...
Bob Belcher: so that's why Jimmy Pesto was so angry on set all the time...

Jake Paul: i've lost my, literally.

Alice In Chains "Grind" music-video set: we were in Doctor Who: Flux!!!!!

Michael Weiss: don't go on the deathcult that is twitter. instead listen to friend of the channel...

Halsey: wouldn't i be perfect casting to play Cortana?...

Jen Carfagno: i've always wanted to be on Star Trek.........the original one. i'm calling for mammoth snows in Mammoth...

Takahashi: i'm going to go to the middle of the day, then i'm gonna go to the middle of the day, then i'm gonna get stuck in the middle with you...

opera windows: you won't get me till the fat lady sings......till women drive EVERYWHERE in the world!

Tyzik: i don't get it, you can't fast-forward new episodes of tv, but why? it just wastes energy!

Takahashi: omg! The Store! they have the Christmas Cola Collab! Cinnamon Coke AND Cherry Ice Winter Blend Berry Sprite!

Cotard: i'm getting a lot of smishing.
Codrus: it's from the Amish.
Billy Corgan: i'm getting a lot of vishing. it's from Vishnu, "Siva" and the like.

Maggie Mac Neil at the pool: i'm the only person in history ever to make MacNeil two words...

Darva Conger: thank Fuerza i didn't take the money. the million money. i stayed a nurse and saved millions of lives more than the vaccine. my mom is still trapped in that Salvation Army kettle!

midlife crisis: midlife crisis?!!! nobody lives to midlife anymore!!!

Greta Thunberg: yeah i was at the Yukon 300 years ago, the gold was still fresh there. i didn't take any of it cos that gold is natural to the environment. although if i had we'd have enough money now to completely environmentalize the entire planet.

Dream Depot: no diapers here

double breasted peak lapel blazer: bring back the old good cartoons! i'll climb Mount Everest if you do!

short sharp shock: hardcore Hamilton

couronne: cheese that is the absolute best. can only be eaten in black-and-white in Mexico...

Doryce: i was fooled. i thought the glass Christmas light bulb on the mini circle-brownie would be edible sugar cake-glass. but it was plastic.
Mlem and Blep the cat familiars: get those things away from us!!

Tobey Maguire: i was in the Q Lazzarus "Goodbye Horses" video. i was down on my luck at the time, penniless save for a few stones. i wanted my fortune read. my fortune told. my fortune foretold. Q kept rambling on about spandex...

Dirg: people visit me on Instagram the way they attend church, twice a year. 
Santa and the Easter Bunny: ...
Codrus: they're checking to see if you're still alive...

Jacques Pepin: i break apart two biscuits of angelhair pasta...
Dirg: "Christmastime for the Jews" is my favorite SNL sketch for some reason...
Jacques: yeah i used to watch that one with the ginger girl, my daughter, explains why she's so hyper. it's not Thanksgiving until you see that Eddie Murphy Mister Robinson brown bag skit for the millionth time.
Dirg: it's not real soup unless there's soup stock in it. you can't just substitute water for everything on Earth.

Francesca Lia Block: i've never had writer's block. no, covid didn't come from me, it didn't start with me. kids are smarter than you think...

reindeer: if you don't do something soon Christmas will really be canceled...

Junipero Serra: why are there crossword clues about me and my teachings?!!! just stop it already!!! stop it all!!!

at Smurf Forest
Jillian Clare: wow you're tiny.
NoizeBoy: i'm trying to fit into one of these minuscule mushroom homes! i got it through the roof i mean i got myself through the roof. you seeing this?
Jillian: yeah, let's see how Tom Thumb you can get, hop into the brittle pages of my green book here. notice how the hardcover edges are not gilded gold.
Jillian: perfect, you're now a line of print, ink i can gobble up in my mind as i scan you.

Jillian: we should be safe here, free from diversion, free from intrusion and invasion, free from prying eyes, little beady eyes, free to do whatever it is our little hearts desire.
NoizeBoy: base does not denote little, we have big hearts.
Jillian: well if we're so real let's do this!

Jillian wears a yellow Emily Dickinson dress to the movie.
Jillian: which ticket stub you got? i got Spider-Man No Way Home.
NoizeBoy: you picked the wrong one, Matrix Resurrections is better.
NoizeBoy: this is giving me erections. but this screen is smaller than my ipad mini!

back outside in the woods under a Hollywood Bowl moon on a thin blanket
NoizeBoy: holy FUCK your tits are big. huge like falling boulders!!!
Flavor Flav: ...
NoizeBoy: i had no idea.
Jillian: thanks. all-natural, baby. nobody has any idea cos i wear a lot of drab grey coats to movies. i wanted to do it, do this, inside Smurfette's house for the symbolism of it but she wouldn't let us in. i'm naked and barefoot save for the Russian hat i'm wearing, i've switched from the Ushanka which means doubt to the Papakha which means sinful. i have confidence in you. and in me with you. call me papa as you cum all over my face, you did say i had the perfect face.
NoizeBoy: yes. thank you. i just did it, in case you didn't feel it. my cum is always little.
Jillian: i felt it. or was that the wind?
NoizeBoy: it makes it even hotter that yours is a feminist face. what's that black thing wrapped around your little finger?
Jillian: not a band. it's a tattoo, a tat of a heart on the knuckle of my ringfinger.
Trent Reznor: ...
Jillian: i have confidence now.........that maybe YOUR ring is the one to finally remove this tattoo from off my finger without surgery. cover it up with love. i've been waiting for my Prince Charming for a LONG ASS time.

Jillian: you finished, quickly stick your two fingers down my throat.
NoizeBoy: inside your mouth? 
Jillian: retrieve something for me. it's down there.
NoizeBoy: oh wow it's a bookmark.
Jillian: which one you want to commemorate our time together? the Lord of the Rings hot-elf one or the Weetzie Bat one?

Nancy Reagan: a bat can stay American and strong if it eats its Wheaties. i was the throat goat at RKO.

Eye Luggage: Animal House and go.
John Belushi making the eye-wiggle: nobody read National Lampoon the magazine before this...
Alfred E Neuman: i did.
Jack Nicholson: you stole my eye-wiggle!

Little Drummer Boy: whenever you hear a bugle at the start of a movie or song, you know it's gonna be bad.
Jerry Cantrell: ...

John Belushi, batting his eyelashes and blushing: once again i have to ask, I shoulda played the Joker! it seems ANYBODY can play the Joker.
Heath Ledger: ...

John Belushi: oh wow, look at my cartoon on the film poster, that looks nothing like me!
Sergio Aragones: i resent that remark, sir!
John Belushi: i resemble it.

Tom Hulce: how i went from this to Amadeus i'll never know. i know Mozart was a prankster but...

Ex-President Bump: the fact that this is the highest grossing comedy of all time is how i won.
Laertus: emphasis on grossing. gross-out wasn't a genre till this.

Pat: Faber College is Princeton, right?
Gina: i still can't get over the beanies. these 19-year-old men wearing CAPS WITH HELICOPTER PROPELLERS. no computers involved.
Julia Ioffe: something out of Three Stooges.
Jen Pizarro: i'm only interested in the young-ingenue girl-student and seasoned-professor romance, that's hot. and quite normal for the time, wasn't a big deal. this sort of thing happened regularly on campus, remember this takes place in the '60s. the pre-Hippie '60s, a lot of pent-up free love roaming around.

Jack Tripper: trippy, it's a '70s movie, well an '80s movie, but it's the '60s when it comes to race relations, why wasn't there a black character on Three's Company? i would have been down for that.

John Belushi: i am what Bluto would have looked like in real life without the cartoon muscles.

otter: the other

Flounder from Little Mermaid: was this movie ever made into a traveling Broadway show?...

Tim Matheson: this is where all my proclivities developed...
Natalie Portman: yeah you aren't kidding! there's a pic of you at the 25th Reunion groping a woman's breasts like you two are still back on campus, it's not a good look for you.
Rod Serling: leave me out of this.........i read books for the right reasons...

Peter Riegert: i do not belong in this picture. i am so out of place here, i don't look like a frat guy at all, if anything i'm a professor's PA lackey.

Bruce McGill: i can't do it like the Spongebob guy, can't make the sounds like that Police black guy.

Stephen Furst: last to be recognized at the Reunion. that's not me on 7th Heaven...

Karen Allen: i always get confused for Margot Kidder.

James Daughton: i'm that guy on the Capri Sun Sunny D pouch...

Dean Wormer: Harry Potter villain name

Donald Sutherland: i PAID for this piece of shit! you know looking back, i don't show Kiefer ANY of my movies...

JFK: nobody got in trouble for the events in this movie cos i died the next day...

Kim Novak: i was busy with my forest paintings and Sammy...

M Night Shyamalan: Shama Lama Ding Dong, not funny, guys.
Mitch English: ...

Peter Riegert: look at me. do i look like the face of a person who can fix race relations in this country?
Richard Pryor: you look like someone who shouts a lot. Otis Day was WAY ahead of you honkeys' time!
Patrick Swayze: beer, no sugar.
Delta: we tried to pick up girls at Sarah Lawrence but those lesbians were too smart for our dead-roommate routine.

John Belushi: don't fuck with the eagles unless you know how to fly. not a marijuana thing. the mustard thing was stupid. but i'm still mad they cut the scene where i stare at a bathroom mirror for ten minutes...

Eye: oh god i feel so bad for Sunny Johnson, making out in a car was probably the best sex she ever had before her untimely ice-skating accident.

Alfred E Neuman: um, can we talk about my thing now? all i'll say is watch the trailer for Up The Academy. the mask of me is the creepiest movie mask you will ever see on screen, creepier than any Jason mask. am i SUPPOSED to look like a serial killer?

Spee Club: the hazing does not involve pee...

Mlem and Blep: we HATE that the horse died. but even we gotta admit that that still-frame scene with the horse neighing was funny.

Clay from Berkeley: remember when i put up that John Belushi Bluto COLLEGE sweater poster on my dorm-room wall? and nobody had any clue who the fuck he was?
Georgia: i can't believe i had to stand for three hours on the second floor of a spiral-staircase coffee shop cos there were no tables hanging out with you at night cos there was literally nothing to do at that dorm.

John Belushi: we did all these college tropes FIRST. the togas, the idea that all frats are cults with members wearing hooded monk robes and drinking blood in secret rooms late at night, and the VOMIT.
Codrus: none of this is true. ancient societies do not hold the answer. there is only truth in vomit.
Billy Corgan: hey Belushi! Chicago to Chicago listen up! not cool when you smashed that guy's acoustic guitar. he wasn't trying to pick up chicks. that was a good song. that was one of my songs.

John Belushi: i'm a zit. 
Degrassi: ...
Belushi: but did you know i can eat all the chocolate chip cookies i want but i can't cos i don't have my diabetes meds on me. and that i'm in the college band, i play the harp but those scenes of me out on the football field were cut.

professor: wanna smoke pot? 
Boon: you see? this is why college is unfair. you can't compete, the professors are cooler than the students. i can't say no to your puppy-dog blue eyes, Katy.
professor: Satan. it's not a dirty word. Milton was telling us we're just human. wait a minute, there's a bell? college classes are like high school classes?
Katy: hey i'm the only girl in this who doesn't go nude. oh wait there's my butt. my bare butt. okay, well full-nude. 
Professor Dave Jennings: you gotta admit that was funny, you show your bare butt and then I show MY bare butt.
Katy: only fair.
cats: goose and gander type thing.
Ken Jennings: not my father. i went to comic-book college...

cashier: want to see my pussy?
Tom Hulce: hum a few bars, i don't know that one, is it classical music?
cashier: trust me i'm not underage, i work as a casher i mean come on.

Jillian: this is where it gets all rapey, the thing with the angel-and-devil-on-the-shoulder above a naked inebriated knocked-out unconscious girl. and the ladder thing with Bluto where he looks at the camera and smirks peeping-tomming a girl undressing by the sorority window.
Dirg: i gotta admit, that was hot when the college student seduces that older woman at the grocery store.
Joe Pera: ...
Dirg: the wife of the dean. there's nothing like revenge sex i mean there's just something about an older woman. so Mrs. Robinson fishnet-stockings leggings vibes.
Otter: who do we blame for all this rape culture? men? the college? God?

Tyzik: whoa! back then they didn't have printers, they had PRINTING PRESSES!

Belushi: we'll destroy the homecoming parade! wait is this college or high school? how long have i been here? 

John Landis: the sequel to this is the musical Hair. thank you. the sequel to this is American Graffiti. thank you. the sequel to this is Platoon...

Delta frat boy: don't be here at the parade route! it won't be safe! this is really bad timing with JFK. 
Karen Allen: i'll be safe in the viewing stand.
Delta frat boy: what are you doing here anyway? taking photos for the local newspaper?
Karen Allen: see what i mean?!!! everyone thinks i'm Lois Lane!!!

Ferris Bueller: i don't get it, they disrupted a parade, i disrupted a parade, what's the big deal?

John Landis: what you take away with with this movie is that you can't get away with it. there's a need for forgiveness. you must forgive yourself. you must forgive others. most of all, you must forgive me. you really need to forgive me, thank you g'night folks.