Gary Kildall: ever wake up with a THROB, a DULL BUMP on your head filled with nerves? that's me everyday.
dad: you and i have the same energy. that's how i would have looked, i never wore a beard my whole life. nice digs you got here.
Gary: like the Lighthouse Ave pad? it's a historic house!!! it's the best-looking site in Pacific Grove.........okay after the McDonald's in the woods. wanna enter my toilet and take an everything shower?
dad: say what?
Paul: he means bathroom.
Gary: sorry, i am FUCKING TIRED ALL THE TIME. got gremlins in my head.
dad: i know the feeling. except Gizmo is in my head.
Gary: come in anytime, come over and we'll talk shop. chop it up over shop. talk computer programming.
Maddie Meyer: i take the AP photos that make the whole world cry. what ever happened to Ellie from Degrassi?...
Lleyton Hewitt: what ever happened to Josh Hamilton?...
Lleyton Hewitt: remember my era of tennis? tennis was breezy during my reign.
Maddie Meyer: don't worry about me, this wasn't a WKRP The Who situation...
Jen R: Pacific Grove is beautiful.
me: this forest village is known for its cucumbers.
Jen: right? i went to, Safeway is it? the cashieress gave me funny looks for buying a cucumber that was LONG and GIRTHY.
me: Skylar is spicy.
Jen: that's the thing, you can't get just ONE cucumber or it's a vibrator. you gotta get at least TWO cucumbers, or get a baggie of 8 baby cucumbers for the week. this is my new salad!!! one cucumber cut into broad slices in a bowl skin-on, unwashed, natural from the Portland dirt. i've sworn off avocados!!! Pati Jinich can kiss my Mexican ass. i bow down to ONE Mexican savioress, Frida Kahlo in a rainbow flamenco skirt.
me: that's hot, i'm picturing that now.
Pati Jinich: picture me vacuuming bottomless in Working Girl...
Jen: cucumbers come as advertised, they are COOL in your mouth, like Stuart Scott's pillow, it's so soothing. they're basically unsalted pickles. plain gherkins with a stem for a head like Einstein at an all-girls Catholic science school.
Jen and i at Safeway.
Jen: who is that BEAUTIFUL MAN in the frozen-poultry section with the lion's mane of gold hair so long and straight the locks cover his bluejeans and black motorcycle jacket? hey Kurt.
Kurt Cobain: my musical idol was Fonzie. but i never rode a motorcycle, too corporate. hey kid.
me: me?
Kurt: lay off the lavender tea. flowers were never meant to go in drinks. Pennyroyal Tea is just PG Tips.
Boc: back in the day when i was Baltimore Boc. see not everyone can go walking in their neighborhood, the hood is too dangerous to walk in. remember, when you're talking to someone, everyone has lost millions. some have lost $5, some $5000.
Lindy Lenz: why you looking at me? you little bastard.
Boc: be compassionate and offer to walk-pool.
Lindy: not those electric bikes that go WHIZZING by down San Francisco hills, bicycles were not meant to go 300 mph.
me on the phone: what are you wearing?
Lindy Lenz: i'm completely naked right now.........wanna come over?
me: *blacking out in my mind* that really is more effective.........than clothes.
Lindy: we're just gonna play gin rummy and eat cheese.
me: right.
Ewan McGregor: Trainspotting wasn't a movie, it was an ethos. Born Slippy wasn't a Vaporwave ideal, it was a call to change your life. rave wasn't a fad, it was family. Extasy was Sunny Delight the orange drink in pill form. it wasn't a drug thing, it was the entire '90s aesthetic.
Jules Smith: yeah.........apart from the toilet.
Paul: have you ever inhaled plumber's cement? i had to bury my best friend. but then Super Mario popped back up.
Ewan: i was your Jesus.
me: i had the strangest dream.........i don't remember the dream, all i remember is i was Kelly Clarkson in the dream...
telenovelas: why do we start at 1:15, not 1:00?
youtuber part of a youtube group: how to live life.........your parents didn't teach you this, you didn't learn this from Hamlet in school, so it's up to us strange hosts on YouTube to tell you why this stuff keeps happening to you...
The Twilight Zone "Devil's Alphabet".
Stewie from Family Guy: what the deuce said here SERIOUSLY.
Will Ferrell: i look good with a mustache.
John Travolta: that funny-looking ginger midget Ron Howard is in our ensemble cast...
Neelix: there are no devil cults in outer space...
devil: the devil is an Earth thing, earthbound, the Devil can't be in outer space...
haboob tube: when you stare at a haboob coming at you from your living-room window on your couch...
Robert Altman: you as Olive Oyl, that was perfect casting.
Shelley Duvall: and what do you exactly mean by that?
Robert Altman: you're ugly-hot. but that's a compliment, right?
Martin Yan: you have to let the ESSENCE of the soy-sauce packet wash OVER your entire body before tossing it in the recycling bin out back.
Spalding Gray: nobody took me seriously.........i should have laughed at myself more...
Spalding Gray: the monologues weren't about vanity, i really NEEDED to share with you these words of mine, i NEEDED for you to listen to me ramble on about my day...
Barbora Krejcikova: Wimbledon is becoming the French Open...
Emma Raducanu: remember that one year when the U.S. Open became the French Open?...
Jasmine Paolini: SIGH, no i'm not dating Sinner.
Jannik Sinner: she's not dating a sinner.
Jasmine Paolini: i'm a cute kid. i'm Muggsy Bogues in tennis form.
Jannik Sinner: what do you mean? Jannik is a very Italian name.
dad: remember when i could tell a person's ethnicity just by hearing their name?
Jannik: yes i'm good on the Giant Slalom and watch Archer, but so what?
Emily Kaplan: be proud of your arm tats as you buy cold eggs at Safeway in a sleeveless shirt. it took awhile for you to get used to my tats but you did...
Puck: you're a hockey reporter so your swim tats are weird.
Lance Armstrong: why even run the Tour de France at all anymore? given the state of the world. all this useless flag waving, waving all these little flags from little obscure tracts of land no one's heard of. sectioned off into squares like tectonic plates. the only flag that needs to be waved, the only flag THAT MATTERS, is the Gay Pride Flag.
Georgia Kernell: i did so well at Berkeley i have that thing when you google me, you know? it has my picture in full color and original title and everything.
me: i'd settle for my job description...
me: Jasmine Paolini looks like me.
in the stands at Wimbledon.
Tom Brady: there's one thing better than being a football lifer. and that's being a tennis lifer.
Tom Cruise: i'm the only one handsome enough to play you in the Lifetime movie.
Michael Weiss: don't be shocked but everyone on Instagram suddenly speaks Czech...
Nina Gordon: hey Louise Post, Sinead O'Connor can fill in for me, i'm taking three years off to do a double-album opera.
Louise Post: only if you get Sophie Muller to do the video.
Dirg: i mean this strip of bacon LITERALLY looks like a cock. it's like it knows i've been lucid-dreaming about Skylar.
Laertus: eat that strip of bacon, eat your own cock, my friend, that would be growth for you...
Dr. Ruth: remember........sex, not death.
Mercy Lodge next-door to Gary's historically-preserved two-story nice house: we teach you how to not be afraid of Sour Skittles, it's only sour for that first ESSENCE...
HD 189733 b: this exoplanet smells like rotten eggs because Batman refuses to shower because he says that would reveal his identity. Robin the boy became a bird...
Batman: it's a good hiding place for me and the boy. we hate people and noise pollution. there's no space junk here yet...
Alfred: the climes are such that i can FINALLY wear my speedo, sir.
black company: we're a black company so we don't turn into a zombie company...
Zom 100: ...
Richard Simmons: why was i a recluse the last decade of my life? was i sad? nah, after that Whose Line Is It Anyway episode i did, you cannot top perfection.
Thomas Pynchon: you were more hardcore than me as a recluse...
Richard Simmons: want me to slap you? no you really don't, i slap HARD, son. Bob Ross wore a wig, my hair comes from nature, muchacho.
on The Shining set.
Stanley Kubrick: you know what? that first take was pretty good, CUT!!! PRINT!!!
Shelley Duvall: hey Stan, come over for dinner. my husband Jack Nicholson and our 9 kids are having Chicken Piccata. i'm a licensed therapist...
Mister Rogers: *sniff* hey Lorne, can i host SNL?
Lorne Michaels: well you DID give me your trolley...
Mister Rogers: on one condition. change the locks so David Spade can't enter the building. Eddie Murphy was my friend before Arsenio.
Burger King: McDonald's was corporate, WE had the cool toys. we had Mister Rogers toys. you could get an exact model replica of the trolley to put on your window sill.
Mister Rogers: inside your Fun Meal bag.
Burger King: we had Playmobil toys...
Shannen Doherty: Beverly Hills, 90210 was the forbidden show in your household, it was mysterious, your parents wouldn't allow you to watch teens living on the edge. watch me living on the edge, every extra year i got was me living dangerously. 53 went by in a flash.
Doryce: Gladyce dear, gather up Piper with her pied-piper panpipes and that girl from Who's The Boss who scares me with her beauty and the goth girl from The Craft who scares the bat guano out of me when she smiles, we're gonna have a good old-fashioned seance and bring Shannen back from the dead. Shannen, that's a good Celtic name.
Shannen Doherty: Fairuza Balk called, she's playing me in the Lifetime movie...
bubble mailer: carry in your wallet 5 $1-dollar bills, but not 15 $1-dollar bills...
Dorking, England: England invented soccer and the computer...
Dorking, England: home to every Dungeons & Dragons guild. it is the home of King Arthur after all...
the River Seine: the Paris Olympics will have one GIANT Olympic Torch.........on top of the Eiffel Tower...
Shannen Doherty: P.S., i really WAS a bad girl...
Shirley Jackson drinking coffee on the porch: insist on your cup of stars. roast your cup of stars.
Gladyce: she wrote us into a corner, Doryce dear.
Shirley Jackson: i use my broomstick as a pen.
England football: there's something Shakespearean about all this...
Mario Lopez: if it wasn't for me, the Dog Olympics would not be on TV.
Jim Henson: at least i don't do that demonic puppetry Sugar does on One Piece, i don't do that shit.
eye bulge: it's a very serious condition, only funny in cartoons.
Better Off Dead: a better-than-expected movie, get it?
Bob Saget: i should have played Mister Rogers in the Lifetime movie.
Shelley Duvall: and Bryan Cranston should have played my Kim Cranston.
Lady Elaine Fairchilde: can you get rosacea from drinking? why do i drink? because i can't leave the fucking Neighborhood of Make-Believe. have you ever felt trapped in a place you can't escape?
Bob Saget: move to Australia and work on your boomerang.
Betty Aberlin: remember that one episode where i showed my bare feet and looked like Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island?
Shelley Duvall: i was on The Carol Burnett Show with my parrot...
Sailor Moon: same next-time episode preview as Detective Conan...
Jen at Chipotle: i feel how cold i COULD have been at midnight in my bed if i hadn't been wrapped in this Chipotle blanket that looks like a burrito tortilla.
Chipotle: burrito blanket, it lasts longer than our burritos.
Norah Jones: don't know why i didn't come.........get it now? it's not that i didn't go to meet up with him, it's about female orgasm. i didn't cum when he fucked me in his spice hammock in Chatsworth. i guess i never truly loved that man...
Nigella Lawson: we look alike, we should eat something together...
Norah Jones: are you related to someone British-Indian and famous, too?...
Republicans: we took away your PBS food shows this week. as is our wont...
Bjork: i can steal your sunshine.........i'm Bjork, i suck your energy to make forest music.
Gary Kildall: i'll tell you my troubles sometime.
dad: that's what friends are for.
Gary: wanna go skateboarding?
dad: um, no.
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