Friday, May 29, 2015



* the cat is a girl. if he had said "go get help, girl,"...

* this cat is very wary being in the desert and everything where a lot of strange stuff goes down. the cat is not worried about Mad Max or Dragon Ball Z Kai, the cat is worried about Alf.

* they say if you're in quicksand, stop flailing your arms and remain perfectly still, you'll sink more slowly. so there you go. that's all the man had to do, he would have been fine. check back with him the next day, help should be there by then.

* this is actual footage of Indiana Jones early in his career leaked to the press by Indiana's mother. he should have eaten all his peas. Indiana has since stated in the papers that it would have been less embarrassing if his mother had splashed his baby pics showing his bare butt all over instagram.

* this ad was funded by the Lassie For President campaign. the campaign has really gotten ugly.

happy weekend


Wednesday, May 27, 2015



the kids wonder what's wrong. Codrus has a large white branching mark on the left side of his chest, where his heart is, it's a lightning bolt of extra veins on the outside, right on the muscle. it hurts like hell.

Mohd: what color is it? i can't tell from up here.

Angie: it looks white, or maybe it's gray. no it's definitely white. it's trying to be gray but it's white.

Stew: at least it's not red.

Codrus (panting): don't worry, kids, mommy's here, mommy's alright, a few seconds of pain or enduring another century of hardship? i can take it, i must be like LeBron, a body racked but a soul intact, wrecked but not rekt, i can make it, so close to our goals, just four more games, four more days. hey but y'know what, be dears and get me off this slab.

the worst of it seems to be over, there are no more large meteors pelting the earth, only small pebble aftershock asteroids. Manny has been looking down this whole time, checking his watch. the news spreads like wildfire in this internet age. soon all of the nations and world government have come together by the shore in a small but mighty contingent of dignitaries, CEOs, and other women of power headed by the President of China. the Pope shows a little leg and her famous red heels when she sits down on St. Peter's stone sofa offered by an altar boy who then fans her with his hand.

Manny: what's all the commotion?

he looks at his watch and sees all the channels are breaking-newsed onto his image.

Manny: i've seen the enemy and it is me.

the world: what are we gonna do? i mean, citizens, we know what to do, we've planned for such an occasion. um, so yeah, armies, all the armies, ATTACK THE MONSTER!

Manny: monster? me? you don't understand. i strike an impressive figure, i am 100 stories high but i have 100 stories in me, that's more important. oh the stories i could tell. let's sit down and converse our verses and joke about life, let's talk to each other for fuck sake. guns kill people, puns thrill people.

unfortunately nobody hears this peace pipe. there are so many planes buzzing around Manny's head, one plane for each country in the world, even the Vatican, especially the Vatican plane decked in diamonds on the nose with golden-cross wings and frosted stained-glass windshield. nobody also notices many drones flying to the scene, Codrus's fleet of drones taking off from nearby wherries near his mothership. it's the cameraed drones which broadcast this historic scene to the world, the wifi world at least.

Codrus's glint in his eye brightens over any pain he feels in his soul. he turns around his telescope which is more electronic than first suspected and points its camera at his image.

all the screens follow suit, the only thing on tv now is the shot of Codrus's looming mug.

Codrus: citizens, be not afraid. the revolution will be livestreamed. this is the turning point of history. are you tired of the old religions? they don't work, do they? i have discovered at the bottom of the ocean a tablet that will change how we humans see ourselves, god, and the universe. Moses wishes he had this tablet. inscribed on precious beige stone are new commandments. well, not commandments, actually, but really, the meaning of life itself explained in ten sentences. come with me, follow me to our new smart destiny. we are no longer the stars' puppets. the beast you see before you in the middle of the ocean is the Beast Himself, but he's no devil. he's an old, wrinkly demon with a hunchback of false history, a cane of Cain, unable to keep the weight of broken humanity in a rubble pile on his shoulders anymore. folks, Satan is officially over the hill, he's an old man. fear not ever again.

world contingent: hey what's with all these drones? it's disrupting our army battle signals, we can't fight to our fullest capacity and ability.

Codrus: the drones are good, you'll see. you can't get such a panoramic of the news without them.

fortunately Codrus's signal of his grand message does get cut off for a minute and in its stead appears before the world a still of a camera drone's recording of one monk by the name of Cotard sitting in his cheap car in the middle of Rio traffic in Brazil at a standstill in sweltering high-noon heat. his expression of utter disgust and boredom, combined with the oversize wood rosary he wears around his neck, is an online sensation, it instantly becomes the greatest meme to date, with stuff written under Cotard's expression like FUCK MY LIFE and FUCK THIS LIFE and PUNK MONK and CHILLIN'. it beats Bieber, Katy Perry, and Gaga combined in numbers.

on instagram:

A: your insta feed is great. so imaginative and out there. crazy images. inscrutable quotes. but before i go on with you, i have to ask, are you mentally ill?

B: that pic of an apple you posted is disgusting. you should delete yourself immediately and leave insta to the grownups. you've lost a follower. your life is a failure.
C: *smiley tongue*
D: that pic of an apple you posted is disgusting, you should delete yourself immediately and leave insta to the grownups. you've lost a follower. your life is a failure.
C: i've blocked you, D.

E: why would you join Bieber, Gaga, or Katy Perry now? i mean maybe five years ago when it meant something, but now you'd just be a number.

Cotard notices he is on the air live all across the world.

Cotard: well it's a distraction from this car anyway. oh no, not this guy again! Codrus, right? i hate this guy. guys, why do you follow him, he's obviously a hack, a fraud, and i say this not only as a monk. come on, life's not as easy as all that, take it from me, i'm about to embark on a journey i'm not sure i can come back from. it's gonna be sad, deeply deeply sad and morose and soulcrushing. i'm not sure i have the strength to survive it.

Cotard notices Kiss the kitten in her carryall in the backseat.

Cotard: i'll close with this: i'm not sure if it's all the altar wine i've been chugging but i swear i saw my kitten Kiss take the wheel and do some of the driving over here while i took a nap. anyway, take that as you will. i opened one eye and saw my kitten in the driver's seat, i sat there silent and dumbfounded just looking at this scene no one else but me was watching. there are still mysteries still.

the world: we can't defeat the monster with our earthen ways. bullets are just bullets, they never have any effect. we need a new power or we haven't a prayer.

Codrus: right on cue you're lucky you have me. i have the new energy in my heart, literally. i just have to focus it with the help of my children into the guns of this mothership. once the guns are fitted, i'll spew my payload onto that sea beast and into oblivion.

Manny: my name's Manny. and see, folks? he's using child labor, child soldiers. i mean come on.

Codrus: do not accept Satan's lies. just wait a minute, citizens, the show will continue momentarily after these messages and a word from your local sponsor. i have to change tactics, i can't ram the mothership into him, can't take Mr. Manny by sea, he would have the obvious advantage. the only way is airpower.

world: nope.

Codrus: oh yeah, well i can transform my mothership into a car. it's like the SeaDuck. this is what i'll do. see that mountain over there past the haboob and the pyramids and the sphinx? yeah, that one with the wraparound porch of a road up to the peak of it? i'll drive up there and charge the guns along the way. by the time i make it to the peak, it's like twenty minutes if there's no traffic, i can shoot the gun right at Manny with full power. i'm thinking a couple of tries should finish the job, two, three times.

the world is quiet in amazement as it witnesses this episode. nobody in the world works, everyone puts down their things, says nothing, and with mouths agape silently watches. Manny watches the mothership, too. you can hear a pin drop it's so quiet, the only noise is the chug-chug-chug of the mothership-makeshift-makeship-car sputtering up the mountain.


Codrus and crew actually take thirty minutes to get up there the first time, 22 minutes of actual driving, 8 minutes for bathroom breaks for the kids. Codrus shoots his energy gun at Manny. it hits Manny squarely on his square jaw.

Manny: that tickles.

twenty minutes later, skipping lunch, the mothercar makes it up again and shoots with a stronger force its laser of wonder.

it misses Manny.

the third time the vehicle is essentially an SUV mom minivan going to soccer practice with three unruly kids on board, the kids are thoroughly restless and complaining and red and so over this. Codrus takes a breather, takes a breath, makes sure his aim is true, closes one eye, and fires the cannon with all his might. the force is extreme, the yellow light which bounces into Manny is severe, so severe it doesn't bounce off Manny, it just stays within Manny. the poor giant is knocked off his impressive feet, knocked aback, taken aback literally, crashing his back onto the ocean surface creating more headaches for the world populace. a white circle of light forms around the impact zone of Manny's stomach, the white light glows into a glow globe as big as the Earth, staying there for a minute until it dissipates with Manny with it. Manny disappears into the light.

the world: okay so we have more tsunamis but at least that bright white light wasn't another meteor hit as we had first thought. do not go toward the light. hooray! all hail Codrus! Codrus defeated evil once and for all! Codrus for President!

the President of China is not amused. his hurried, stern face becomes a meme which beats McKayla Maroney's not-impressed face in numbers.

the President of China: citizens, please do not be alarmed with all the drones flying everywhere in your neighborhoods the world over. they are simply doing their jobs. you might receive your Amazon shit a little late today, unforeseen circumstances.

Monday, May 25, 2015



* so i am of the House of Porcupine as you can see up there, that's my heraldry, that's what everyone on that throne game show is playing for, that throne that looks like a porcupine's back, and the trip to Mexico.

* is that a shoe logo or a pot logo? i can't tell, i'm stoned. pot is now Registered y'know.

1. which of the following is your view of sex? a) ritual b) game c) performance d) adventure e) other:
Trouble with a capital T, the board game Trouble with that bubble. i love poppin' that bubble...

2. your view of spontaneous vs. planned sex? a) spontaneous better b) spontaneous is rushed, i prefer some time c) i like the anticipation before planned sex d) planning is a must, my life is such: whoever's reading this, this is serious, i need a vacation badly, i want to go to Paris with you for a coupla weeks like right now, let's go. we'll do it in the lobby.

3. at the beginning of sex, what is your most immediate worry? a) take too long b) over too soon c) you will be interrupted d) fail to please your partner otherwise known as partnerfail e) your partner will fail to please you also known as partnerfail f) pain g) discussion/argument: that there won't be enough butter.

4. at the beginning of sex, what happy result are you looking forward to most? a) orgasm b) emotional intimacy c) pleasing your partner d) closeness e) not being so horny afterward: closeness, openness. wait...closed, open, the same? i just own cyberbrain.

5. after sex, how long till you start looking forward to the next time? there's a next time?

BONUS: your ideal date would be: a) pizza and a movie b) hot dog and a ball game c) picnic and a bike ride d) candlelit dinner: the pizza guy comes over with his hot dog and balls game, we make a movie: i ride his bike, and we finish with candle wax.


Friday, May 22, 2015



* son: dad, what's all this white powder?
dad: flour, son, flour. it's not the other stuff. i got clean and sober when you were born.
son: thanks, dad.

* dad: son, what are you making over there? why are they green? it's not St. Patrick's Day.

* dad: OMG did you see that hot babe who walked into our modest little shop this morning? i've been out of the game for so long since your mother passed but i think i'm gonna gumption up the courage and ask her out.
son: too late, pops, she already asked me out.
dad: now son there's a reason my name is first on the sign, seniority and all, i got perks, i got first dibs.

* son: dad, some strangers gave me this brochure. i think i want to join.
dad: let me take a look at that. levels...couch...religion and science combined...President Tom Cruise? i dunno, son.

* Marty: why so glum, chum?
dad: not now, Marty, i'm lonely. my son left me, he went Hollywood or something.
Marty: you should have gone with him, i've seen you act, you're good, weren't you a baker once?

* dad: SON! SON! the prodigal son has returned to me! i love you, son. why did you come back? do you want to take over the family business when i go?
son: the party i was at kept playing this incessant house music. the beats were boring into my brain, i had to get outta there.
dad: oh son, do you want to take over the bakery? i won't be around forever.
son: nah.


happy weekend.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015


Shaq sits his kids down in a circle in the middle of the basketball court.

Shaq: i've been doing a lot of thinking. i want more. maybe Jim Rome is right, maybe i didn't work as hard as i could have during my dominant years. maybe i'd have more rings. maybe working out at the gym didn't have to take away from my aspirations to be the next Robert Redford. maybe i could have been the gentle giant everyone loved AND had as many chips as Tim Duncan, Mr. Old Man Riverwalk Himself, whom i admire greatly. he went about his business in such a quiet way the church mice prayed for him cos they thought something was wrong with him. but alas i can only be me, the boisterous practitioner of the martial arts and cop everyone at least respects. but i want more. i want to be involved in something higher. i am a large man so i see things from a unique perspective. my head is in the clouds from my stature. there's time enough for everything, you just have to schedule better. i want to be a real rapper. i wish i was a little bit taller.

little LeBron: i'm sure Bron will accept you into his circle.

Shaq: the camera dude gave you all ipad minis, huh? this new generation. it took you only seconds for y'all to get online, create profiles, and have half of this continent following you.

Shaq scrolls on the kid toy till he comes to LeBron's heartfelt tweet to that young woman athlete who had an incurable brain disease and passed away recently:

LeBron (tweeted out a minute ago): i will never forget you. you are an inspiration to me and my family. your story touched me, it was the greatest thing i've ever seen on SportsCenter. your fight wills me forward along the march, teaches me to live life to the fullest. we will meet again someday in Heaven.

lil Bron snatches his screen back from his second-favorite player.

Shaq: those things are like cigarettes, boy, watch out, they'll fry your brain. i'm not sure your head can handle the immensity of what's on the internet, it's like this big...


Shaq: see? i told you, there's weird shit online. it's a pile as high as the old sky of creative nihilism.

Lil Bron: language.

Shaq: sorry for shit.

Lil Bron: no, nihilism, such a painful concept is indeed too delicate for my still-forming ears and kid brain. oh, and call me Source from now on, please. i don't want the ending before i have a chance to start.

Shaq: source?

Lil Bron: it's what my name means.

Shaq: now that's fresh and new and exciting and burgeoning.

Source: no it's ancient from what my moms says. she looked it up on the internet.


Emblem: where's the big fella? i miss his counsel now that i'm no longer on the council. doctor, heal thyself as they say. i got that saying online.

Premier Sunsong: he's on the court. do you think we should inform the rest of the nations that the devil is on our side?

Emblem: too early. let's see what happens, something always happens and then we react to it, that's how humans work. how are your fries?

Sunsong: scrumptious, fluffy, hot and heavenly. our little village has modernized so fast. too fast?

Emblem: too late, the swell of progress marches on and everyone follows. the next new thing comes along and we humans glom onto it and sap it of its energy. we need an energy that will resist human urges.

Sunsong: you're using peppercorn sauce? that's disgusting. use the bajan pepper sauce, it's tropical, we're in the tropics after all.

Emblem: u fancy huh? you're rubbing off on me and i'm supposed to be the worldly one. but in fact for all my world travels i am a simple man of simple pleasures. i like ketchup. i was tasked with keeping our village alive. it would not have lasted another century the way it was going. it survived. now you oversee our village's thrive. i'm afeared we have skipped a few levels, you heretofore ketchupless guys should have been impressed with the ketchup i brought over but there are tons of unsued ketchup bottles stowed away in the cargo of the CNN ship. when i journeyed i was unable to keep a good ketchup balance in my sack. i'd have four ketchup bottles in there each with a bottom layer, not quite used up. i knew in my head that there were two or three more good squeezes left but my heart yearned for a new bottle full of ruby red. it was a pain to lug around all those bottles in the desert. the plastic bottles turned to glass in the heat.

Sunsong: speaking of newer models, what finally is the deal with you and all the village women?!!! that shit hurt when they would all come up to me like we each had a collective timeshare on your time so they earned the right to blab on about the time they spent with you.

Emblem: i'm not as popular as you think. those other wives meant nothing to me, i had to have em, we all had to follow the ancient outdated code. those women wanted my machine, not my human machine. they were all pregnant and needed me to deliver their babies, i was the only one they trusted with this delicate task since the village witch doctor died. my "European" training was mystical to them, more mystical than the strange yellow dust the witch doctor would smear on their faces when he did his ceremonies, which is still mystical to me. i am not the father. right?

Sunsong: in time. i see what you did there, i saw those air quotes you formed with your fingers just now. i want your bod.

Emblem and Sunsong kiss each other's noses.

Sunsong: sorry, hun, all i have time for, i'm very busy.


the witch doctor of the village, recently passed but always named CCC though nobody in the village ever knew his real name cos they were scared to ask, sits at a long white medieval table with Kurt Cobain on the other side. CCC stands for Construction-paper Circle Chain, Construct for short. Kurt gets a kick out of calling him Circle Jerk. the two men put on their birthday-party hats with tight strings around their jaws and look down. Construct forms a string of construction-paper circles stapled together that reaches down from the clouds all the way to Trent Reznor's mansion. Trent takes a moment from his 50th birthday bash, a quiet gathering of family and few friends, to look up from his absinthe goblet and acknowledge Kurt with a nod. Kurt nods back.

Kurt: i wish i would have talked with that guy more, we had so much in common. a half century for my man, a testament to survival.

Construct: this chain is as thin as my previous medical knowledge, hurry up, it's already breaking apart. staples are such silly things to keep things together once you die and see what really keeps it all together. man did i have a lot to learn when i got here. i was way off but now i can say that i'm all caught up and please call me Doogie from now on.

Kurt: we've already broken up, forever. but not forever. for now, we can give the fans what they wanted, a duet.

Kurt picks up his powder-blue guitar and starts to strum. Trent sprinkles some air dust with his free hand's fingers to the arched ceiling of his mansion which forms the bottom layer of beats. his partygoers don't see this but his wife does. the song sounds like an industrial version of "Please Forgive Me" by Bryan Adams.


Shaq is scrolling scrolling scrolling on Source's insta while Source fishes out a basketball intractably stuck in a bush. Shaq was distracted and REALLY missed that free throw.

Shaq comes upon this in the comments of a pic of a bush:

---nice bush
---get it? i wish i could just leave my comment as is up there but i have to explain it so nobody gets offended. comments can't be simple anymore, they must be fancy and clever.
---okay buddy, thank you, goodbye now, i have to go, i'm very busy running my empire.

a giant meteor strikes the Earth with a godly force. it rips apart the shoreline forming an eternal chain of waves which empty out into fountains of tsunamis on the other side. a giant ring of fire is created at the impact zone, one half of the circle on land and the other on top of the water not caring that it's water, burning bright no matter what.

Emblem: i felt that over here! and i smelt that! time to deal. i can smell fire anywhere now.

Sunsong: sad but true. nothing else matters. i have a feeling no deal will work. as ever we have to fight, i wish it weren't so but we're under attack. we humans are always under attack, it's how we work.

Emblem: um, let's see, ah yes, looking it up online, oh, master of puppets, let's be the masters this time, not the puppets. we have a hulk. we have Manny now. where the hell is Manny?


Shaq: legends come and legends go. legends leave us, leave us to grow, to learn from them, to use them as our own, to be the leaders we were meant to show.


Monday, May 18, 2015


1. what three things do you expect from a relationship with a lover? that we'll eventually marry though it doesn't have to be next week, makeup sex, cheese.

2. what three things do you expect from your relationship with your child? i only want one thing, that he will turn into a real boy someday. there's this annoying cricket that is all up in my business at my wood shop, i try to blow him out the door but he's got an umbrella.

3. how do you mend a broken heart? superglue

4. what is your favorite therapy (remedial treatment of mental or bodily disorder)? i'm getting fitted for a cyberbrain next week. that's why i said it doesn't have to be next week. the doctors say it's still in the experimental stage but they trust the science of the source. my doctors watch a lot of anime.

5. who in your life has an annoying habit? how do you deal? Jiminy Cricket. he won't leave me alone. i ignore him. that's what they say to do to deal with bullies, right?

6. describe yourself in five words but not these five words: funny, fun, nice, kind, responsible: i really want Morrissey's hair.

bonus: if in a long-time romantic relationship, do you still flirt? how do you flirt with your significant other? check back in one week. i love to flirt with random people on the street, flirting is the best part, it's better than cheese. potential energy is much more interesting than kinetic energy, ask any scientist. i asked my college science professor about this but she thought i was flirting with her and banned me from college.


Friday, May 15, 2015


get your preak on! it's all set up, my babies, American Pharoah Spelled Incorrectly will win all three this year. i know what you're saying, we've seen this script before, the unbeatable horse wins the first two legs in grand fashion only to get tired at the Belmont and finish last amid some sort of shady scandal. not this time, we've waited long enough, how many pieces can a heart break into until it's not a heart anymore, just a lot of pink dust you have to sweep up and deposit through the swinging door of the office trashcan and explain to your boss that it's pink-lemonade mix, not drugs? see the pic up there? THREE. there ya go. i'm not counting the baby ones in the foreground or the sand ones, the aliens who probed me last week told me those were just their practice pyramids which were later used to design our human food chart. btw that's why i was gone for so long in case anyone was wondering. aliens captured me, so...

anyone can play this blog game. first,


choose one from that list to win tomorrow. if you actually get it right, you win 3 big ones from me at your blog. comments, not that. use the little surprise i left you in the comment box below as a guide.

SEE, SEE? there are only SEVEN other horses for Pharoah to beat. how hard could it be? seven is a lucky number. it's all coming together, folks. see you later with the results.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015


the kids are Mohd, the leader, Sekarang, the girl, nicknamed Angie, and Stew, the sweet ginger boy. they are down in the hold of the ship playing the latest video game, the two adults are aboveboard and are too busy at the moment.

Imzhan is lounging in the morning, looking at his wrist, watching his new watch as it


Codrus covers the screen with his hand.

Imzhan: sorry. you can't keep those kids locked up in there. they're not animals.

Codrus: they're not locked up, they're cooped up, they're freer than they've ever been. their parents abandoned them, i won't. you think the animals in the wild wouldn't trade places in a second with the animals in the zoo? hopefully we'll hit land again soon.

Imzhan: turns out they don't sell the LeBron's Mix Sprite around here. i'm miffed, i really want to try it.

Codrus: the boys turned you on to that huh. probably not gonna find an abandoned can on a buoy in the middle of the ocean.

Imzhan: i'm gonna have to order it through the Walmart site. can you believe this for a can? i've never ordered food online before, there's something so unnatural about that, i've crossed the rubicon after this somehow. in the meanwhile i'm gonna have to be sated by Daym Drops's review of it.

Codrus: what is the Daym conclusion?

Imzhan: haha, he's funny, never watched an entire Daym review video from front to back before. he was all like "damn that's nasty, B!". he thought the cherry aspect of it was more cherry medicine and the orange was prolly just a few drops of orange shasta. for a hood drink, to tamper with the holy essence of Sprite, and to put the name of the King on it, not just any ball player but King James, was folly. Daym recommends taking it back to the lab for a rehaul.

Codrus: it's good to be king, my head is heavy enough for it.

Imzhan finishes up his morning meal. he mixes a pineapple spear with his thick bacon, something he's never done before. it's delightful to the senses. as he's washing his dish in the sea, a stubborn piece of something sticks to the edge of the plate. he scrubs it off but it comes back. he plucks it and eats it out of habit. turns out it was a piece of whole bacon fat. it was disgusting to the senses and puts Imzhan off bacon forever, well at least the thick bacon he savored so much.

the kids are in the rock room, a reasonably-sized room full of many fragments and pieces of those ever-so-prevalent beige stones with ancient sacred important writing on them. there are old cassettes of music of a bygone era, when rock was on the radio, and an election poster of David Bowie with the word MARS below him.

Stew: i hate being here, i'm scared but mostly i'm bored, i want my mommy. oh yeah, she abandoned me.

Angie: it's gonna be okay, guys, they don't abuse us, in fact they treat us like prized possessions. we are ivory or something.

Mohd: say gold instead, i don't want to think of those poor elephants. what do you think these stones really are? what power do they hold? and what do they need us for? it's like a quest to find the Dragon Balls but in real life.

Imzhan scares the kids, he was standing by the hatch the whole time.

Imzhan: i agree, Mohd, you have a keen insight. i don't know if it's cos you look like me, look like my son, or what but i think we're on the same wavelength here on most matters.

Stew: where's the boss? he's doesn't like me much huh. but then again, nobody does.

Imzhan: nonsense, he's just busy taking over the world. we've got to get rid of these stereotypes and preconceptions, it's the only way we'll move forward with each other.

Codrus is by the hatch now.

Codrus: and education and opportunity and income inequality and the ability to get a decent job. if everyone had a fun job the world would be a funner place. nobody wants to see the world burn. hi, kids. tried to take a shower but i can't get over the fact that we have a fuzzy mat in there now. before, i would wipe my post-shower grime infused with my body dirt off the bathroom floor with a towel i'd throw away hastily back in the cupboard, that towel was always soaked and never washed. that towel would scare my pets. now the mat takes up 50% of the space so there's hardly anything to wipe, the towel of doom stays relatively dry. but that mat is not meant to be used as a mat, it's not meant to be soaked, it's too fuzzy, frilly, and pretty for that, it's meant to be on the dry side of the shower, never touched, left pristine. i keep seeing wet footprints on it.

the kids: sorry.

Imzhan: sorry.

Codrus: let's go to the chamber.

everyone walks on a rather steampunk ledge to god knows where. there's a metallic widow's walk they navigate around in the center. it's too far too see down but there's a bright yellow glow emanating from the bottomless pit.

Stew: no! i hate school!

Angie: it's okay, my friend, everything's gonna be alright. i won't let anyone harm you.

Mohd: what's down there? safe lava?

Codrus: the floor is lava!

Codrus and Imzhan race to get up on the railing, not touching their feet on any of the span's tiles. the kids stay motionless.

Codrus: what? you never played that game when you were kids?

Mohd: we're still kids, sir.

the three mouseketeers and their dual-parenting guardians reach a cavernous operating room with a clear plastic bubble display case.  there is only one story, the second story, where observers can observe looking down on the operating theater below. in the bare dusty gladiatorial arena there stands one Cold Stone Creamery slab and one telescope.

Stew: no! fuck no! i hate doctors more!

Mohd: where are the desks, students, books? teachers, dirty looks?

Imzhan gives Mohd the Jenna Marbles face.

Codrus: i wish there were more students. before we start, before you ask, no, it's not that it's bigger on the inside, it's that it was an already huge mothership of a boat, i'm proud of it, construction took years and years off my life but it was worth the wait. like we're talking Close Encounters big.

the kids stay stonyfaced.

Codrus: not one of those references? nothing? really? education must start immediately. not even the lifecaster? i mean what is the purpose of life if not to cast it. kids, today's lesson is self-flagellation.

Imzhan gathers the children in his arms.

Imzhan: no way! i won't let you harm these kids!

Codrus: not theirs, mine. students teach teachers all the time.

Angie: sounds disgusting.

Stew: i like flags, pirate flags mostly, that black one with the white bones.

Codrus enters the arena below. he straps himself onto the slab as an altar offering. he squeezes the beige straps into around his tight body. he forgot to check his microscope first to adjust himself accordingly so he has to do the whole process again after he looks through the looking glass.

Mohd: how is he seeing anything through that telescope? we're indoors. there's a closed roof up there.

Imzhan: he doesn't tell me everything. he likes it that way. mystery is power.

Codrus: i want to see something. kids, tap on the glass like you would at the zoo. i need all three energy streams. concentrate like you would taking a test.

Stew: i hate tests! i always study for a multiple-choice and then there's a pop essay quiz the next day.

Mohd: if you choose C for all the answers, you'll at least get 50%, that's pretty good, that should be a C not an F, that's half, half is pretty good, half changes things.

the arena is starting to get slightly sprinkled with yellow dust with white flecks. the kids have their six eyes closed, eight arms press against the bubble, shooting invisible and not-so-invisible beams of light directly into Codrus's flabby stomach.

Codrus: i feel it, i feel the explosion within me.

Angie is the only one rooting her teacher on.

Angie: come on, Mr. Codrus, you can do it! good job, good effort!

Codrus takes out a rather large beige stone from his pocket and tries to read the writing on it. two yellow light snakes encircle his glassesless eyes.

Codrus (reading the rock): the real rule alone...the truth is alone...there is as old as the new god(s)...

a giant tremor rocks the ship upside down. the piece of rock falls down into the topless snake pit in the next room.

Codrus: what the fuck is going on? sorry, children, language i know.

a giant meteor has changed direction off its course millions of miles in outer space and is barreling towards Earth. it hits the general relative area where the ship is into the sea water. a couple of miles away Manny observes from his spot in the middle of the ocean.

Imzhan checks his watch for the score.

Imzhan: i'm seeing readings going haywire, don't know if the readings are themselves haywire or the instruments used to measure have gone haywire, or we've all gone haywire. a dinosaur-level meteor has crashed to Earth, just missing us. we're okay, a bubble of energy was formed around the ship that shielded us. we were so distracted we didn't realize we were near the shore.

Codrus: it worked! which shore? where are we? what are the conditions? what's the atmosphere, the environment? rolling hills? wheat farmfields sprouting with the staff of life? plantation conditions?

the ship hits land sooner than expected from the reverb of the impact.

Imzhan: looks like desert. and btw our sensors are indicating that there's a real-life huge monster lizard King Koopa sitting in the middle of the Pacific Ocean near us.

Mohd: i never got the whole Godzilla craze. though admittedly that was before my time.

Codrus: no! i hate the desert!

Monday, May 11, 2015


1. my_________is so beautiful it belongs in a museum but my________belongs in a pawn shop. zucchini, meaning actual zucchini, in the museum. my pickle, meaning penis, in the pawn shop cos i got it stuck in a pickle jar trying to open the pickle jar. i'm not your typical man with the strength to open pickle jars.

2. i would most like to take a class in_________class, like netiquette and shit.

3. excluding people or pets, what is your most prized possession? my ThunderCats collection. they're people and pets.

4. what's your type? a) sexy b) sophisticated c) sweet 'n' innocent. i'm type AB, it's laminated right there on my library card.

5. what is the first thing you do when you get home from work? do the work i didn't do at work cos i don't work so there's a lot to do when i get home from wherever the hell i was all day. what do i do all day? i don't want to give it away, it's a surprise, but it has something to do with thumbs.

6. what is the last foolish thing you did with someone? i twiddled my thumbs with them.

bonus: cucumber or zucchini? normally when it's just me at home, cucumber. but when i know you're coming over, i pickle it up, dress it, stripe it, see above. i get my zucchini all did up and fancy waiting on your arrival. but you already know.


Friday, May 8, 2015



see this. may you achieve nirvana this weekend. the first time i ever heard the word nirvana was from Kurt, i became a Buddhist for the summer right then and there. Superman's here. no, not that man in the sky...

Wednesday, May 6, 2015


Cotard: how are you making out?

Atalan (on his watch, skyping): i'm seeing things beyond that, that's such a limited scope to see the world through, i'm slowly realizing it's not just basketball and the perks that come with basketball.

Cotard: you owe me dollars. i would have spent it on the spaying but i don't need to anymore.

Atalan: no way! i was right? Yayray's caught up in all of this? i knew that kid wasn't right, by which i mean he was just right, young and impressionable and looking to move up in the world quickly without consequence. i really wish he hadn't jumped, he would be witnessing this spectacle now. well, we'll just have to set him straight like everyone else in the world. peace.


Manny holds out his huge palm to a scared little boy, innocent, without protection, just wanting to be with his mom in the burning house. he casts a large looming shadow. Manny forms a fist and punches through the house.

Manny: don't worry little man, i also punched the fire out of it. you will have to rebuild the roof but don't we all. don't worry, i knew your mom was crouched on the floor in the lower section, she's a smart woman, i can tell by looking at you. you care, that's what matters. go to her, give her a kiss for me, okay well a hug for me, tell her you love her.

the boy scurries inside the burned-out structure. the thatched roof is a skeleton and so is his mom, but she's alive and smiling. the smoke she was hiding under lifts and scatters into the atmosphere, into rejuvenating nature like nothing had happened. they embrace and Manny's cheeks turn red not from the fires.

soon an Iceman's slide-worth of ice cubes converge on the poor village, the commensurate cold blankets the land in white and blue, all of the fires little and big are put out and made into ashen holes. the green of the area is experiencing an Ice Age, a joyous one this time. the villagers cheer, breaking though the icicles forming on their lips and cheeks. the red of their excitement overpowers the color of their skin, the previous reddish-brown they wore and their current blue.

Emblem: there's just something about nanomachines, they work better than macromachines. when you can get things nano, infinitesimally small, when you can get things to go inside other things, that's when the healing really occurs, cos it goes to the root of the problem rather than attacking the problem from the outside and quelling just the skin of it.

the villagers gather in the middle of their town square no longer there. there's nothing there except the people. they form a circle that's more beautiful than anything circular in nature. they hold hands crosswise.

Emblem hugs Sunsong for what seems like hours. Kenyatta looks on and smiles. the smile smiles less and less and eventually turns into a blank neutral expression the more the hug goes on and it literally becomes hours.

Emblem shakes the hand of everyone there, forming a lattice of hands, stitching through the scene, threading the ball of humanity into yarns to come. his people are happy to see him this way.

Emblem (shaking hands): patna, patna, we did it, we won.

the people: God has blessed us.

Emblem: yes he has, but it's more nuanced than that. let me have him, our previous enemy, explain.

Manny gets up on the dais and is about to speak but is interrupted. Cameraguy makes a hell of a rumbling noise bringing with him a gigiantic caravan from CNN full of goodies of all sort.

Cameraguy: this was the spoiler. we've come to the end of the story so i can finally reveal it. CNN had your back the whole time, we're not gonna film a village and let it burn, we're gonna help it, thanks to generous donations from around the world and viewers like you, we can give you unlimited drink!

there are tons of ice-cream carts filled with red cans of LeBron's Mix Sprite. and apple cider.

the kids all scream in ebullience, "LEBRON! LEBRON!". some adults do, too.

everyone agrees this day that there's no greater feeling in life than downing a cold one on a hot day. your throat is your carriage.

Kenyatta: cider? are you sure about that?

Emblem: we decided that it was weak enough for the kids but strong enough to give the adults a much-needed jolt.

Atalan: wow, even out here folk know of LeBron.

Emblem: the power of the internet. it's not sports to us, it's life, we look up to LeBron as a hero, not a sports hero. when he overcomes a 2-3 deficit in the playoffs it isn't just ball, we see him overcome with ball and are inspired to keep rolling the ball up the hill that we may eventually get out of our circumstance of being here on this ball of endless dirt.

the kid Manny saved, named The Bron, comes up to the adults and speaks out of turn:

The Bron: thank you, thank you, thank you.

Atalan: that's what we're here for. free throws pee throws. look, kid, turn around and hear your hero speak. what was that, Manny? we can't hear you.

The Bron: thank you for the Sprite! i love LeBron! he's my favorite basketball player! he's my only basketball player, the only one i know! i'll treasure this can forever and never drink it!

Shaq hears this and is moved. he removes the weird cross-eyed expression on his face he used when he wanted to be funny, picks up a basketball, and starts teaching The Bron and the rest of the village kids how to shoot free throws on the practice basketball court that was set up that nobody knew about.

Shaq squares up for a free throw and misses it embarrassingly. The Bron takes a swig of his red can and makes a basket on his first try.

The Bron: that's the first time i've ever touched a ball in my life.

Shaq (smiling): there'll be many more, you're a natural at it!

Manny: okay i got a microphone with a CNN box around it now, thanks Cameraguy. as i was saying, this is what life is all about: community acting as one, social love, people coming together and forming secure bonds no flame could ever hope to loosen. when the world becomes a riotous cacophony of phonies, you must lean on your friends, learn from them. you must make friends, lots of them, a ton of em, you can't do this alone no matter your ideology. there are different kinds of love granted. romantic love is hot but burns out. and it fans jealousy. no one should be a fan of jealousy, it's jealousy which rips the soul out of the body public. jealousy festers in a vacuum of seeming togetherness but actual isolation. but familial love, real love of neighbors you can touch, and most importantly love of yourself, your life experiences, who you are as a person, how you reflect and reflect upon your parents and relatives, how your memories of them are ingrained into your psyche, that's what will pull us through, that's how we lift each other up, always think back to how you were as kids, with your parents, that's your real identity, that's how we'll win, and we must win, the enemy's too strong this time. it's gonna be the Fight of the Century.

there is a real enemy out there but i am not it. you thought i was your great evil for aeons. i never left you alone, but that was because i wanted to get to know you better, we were neighbors after all. i am here to help, i will rebuild with you, i will carry the glue and hold five nails in my mouth as i hammer away but you must be the glue. i am your guide but i can't be it. think of me as Jiminy Cricket on steroids.

and now shall we proceed with the procession: patnas for life.

Sunsong walks slowly down an aisle decorated with twigs and berries. she is wearing a dazzling white dress that's been painted on with ochre paint crushed just two minutes earlier by the village kids. she even wears some of the paint on her two cheeks. the one thing she wears that is truly golden is her ear-to-ear grin. she's carrying a bouquet of sunflowers.

Emblem is at the head of the audience and wipes a tear from his eye. he is relieved it's all over for him.

Sunsong walks past her husband and onto the dais with Manny. he is holding an actual physical book and donning his reading glasses.

Manny: so i guess we use this village book, which is really a collection of scrolls, to make it official? damn i remember this, i wrote this aeons ago, don't remember. i...

Cameraguy bursts through the aisle with a caravan of Apple Watches.

Cameraguy: oh yeah, there's this, too. forgot. they were in the back of the plane.

all the villagers scramble on top of one another, stacking each other, forming a big balled pile of humanity, biting and clawing their way through to get the watches free courtesy of CNN. Atalan remembers a wrestling move he saw on tv as a child and is able to maneuver his way past some folk in the pile, drop-kicking his way around a slithering path till he gets his hands on the only gold-encrusted Apple Watch there.

Manny (having enough): hey hey HEY! don't get the demon mad! we were doing so well. technology sucks, it's a red herring, not real fish from your lake, it pretends to bring people together but it's a cheap substitute for what you guys have here. remember? real friends, real community, not the show Community for a low low offer, don't let a screen come between you and our collective primal scream.

Manny wrests the watch from the wrist of a shouting-no-for-a-long-time Atalan. Manny tosses the gold watch in the nearby lake. Atalan rows a boat to the lake trying to retrieve it, this takes about an hour. Manny is at the lake in a second, fishes it out of shallow water, and swallows it.

Manny: now where was i before i was so rudely interrupted by pop-up ads. stuff, material stuff, subtracts, subtracts your time and energy. adding adds to your life, it prolongs it, add stuff, the good stuff, don't add followers, add friends. family not fame.

Manny picks up the book and reads: rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub, yay me. i came up with that? i was young back then, impatient. well you know the deal, villagers, you know the ritual better than i do, i don't have to speak the holy words, you've seen this episode before.

he turns to Sunsong and points at her like a dad singling out his embarrassed daughter in the rock-concert crowd.

Manny: girl, you know who you are. you'll be fine. keep blazing that trail, sista! this is your village's first-ever female leader in almost whatever it is 1000 years. let's have a round of applause! and then a round of drinks!


the adults' tongues all gather round the cider pyramid, the kids at the LeBron Sprite fountain. some adults go to both.

Kenyatta receives a message from Cotard on her watch, which is just the normal standard watch with no bells or whistles. she hands her watch phone to Atalan.

Kenyatta: what happened to your phone?

Ata: God said hell no to it.

Cotard: so Ata, ready to come home?

Ata: no way, i'm just getting started.

Cotard: oh yeah, forgot, this is just the first stage of the free-throw competition. *sigh* it's lonely out here, loneliness is the enemy.


Manny has an upset stomach. he burps which creates a small tornado. he forms a fist which he uses to hit his heart area.

Manny: too much gold is not good for the system.

he coughs out the gold Apple Watch. it still hasn't connected to wifi and is on the fritz as usual. he has to traverse a couple of oceans before he gets proper reception. in the middle of the Pacific Ocean he finally gets the worldwide feed, messages going so fast the typeface is blurred. after scrolling through tons of spam about the stones Manny lands on a message from a concerned mother:

it's not like when we were kids. too much sex and violence everywhere, innocence thoroughly evaporated from jump. no time to contemplate birth before the child is already feeling dead. hopefully the promise of the stones is kept. i can't raise my kid in this world anymore, outside technology has won, they have our kids in secret, video-game characters are dominating our children's fragile senses, raising them in blood with a quick trigger finger and no consequences. millennials have no idea what the concept of loving good music is, they'll never know how to love properly, how to have sex, just how to have porn.

below this is a talkback between two kids:

kid 1: did you see the new LeBron commercial? i want to drink that so bad, i am so thirsty! the way it's presented is so pleasing to the eye! it hits my artistic senses with a swell. the way that tiny piece of orange is there next to the can and that tiny segment of lime and another fruit of a yellow color i'm unfamiliar with, it's so exotic, so cute, i want to delight my tongue with its juice. the cherry. it's the mystery of it all.

kid 2: they don't carry that at my local mart. you're too happy today, it's making me uncomfortable. if you keep this up i'm gonna start hating you.

Monday, May 4, 2015


1. how long have you been blogging? when i started, there were no birds, only dinosaurs.

2. tell us about your pen name. yeah, it was given to me by my favorite bird, my Papa Phoenix. Papa swooped me up from my village one day and into his nest where he fed me mealworms. those became my favorite beetles until a certain invasion switched my loyalties. one day Pop went out to get a pack of smokes and never came back. the villagers said they saw him smoking...ritually.

3. what is your blog about? yes it's about that.

4. do you earn money from your blog? this is a sore subject.

5. what inspired you to blog? i had no life and wanted to become famous. now that i blog i literally have no life and can't enjoy the fame. fame sucks.

6. what keeps you blogging? the phoenix has become the albatross.

7. any advice for readers looking for love? looking to get laid? looking for a threesome?

the mystery of love is greater than the mystery of death---Oscar Wilde

enjoy the sumptuous Smashing Pumpkins video "Stand Inside Your Love" for further details.

8. did you do your kegels today? when was the last time? men: there is no evidence that kegels prevent erectile dysfunction---source: WebMD. thank you, i trust WebMD, whenever i have a question about my health, the first thing i do is go to the internet.

bonus: do you have any special sexual gifts or talents or tricks? do tell.

i'm gonna let my hand take this one, he's seen all the action, not me. hand, the floor is yours:

*prehistoric crickets*

hmmm, sorry folks, he's normally so active.


Friday, May 1, 2015


as you can see, The Colonel up there is worried that the Kentucky Derby will be overshadowed by a fight later that night. The Colonel has no stake in the fight, he's not a betting man, but if he were a betting man, he'd bet that it will be over in a coupla seconds with an armbar. it's an open secret that The Colonel loves MMA. The Colonel told me that he really really really really really really really really really really really really really loves watching that Ronda Rousey, even more than he does watching his beloved 11 herbs and spices getting put in a big blender and swirled around into a smelly slop.

it's easy to play!


and select from among those horsies the one you think will win the Derby tomorrow. if you predict the winning horse, you win 3 comments from me at your blog! if you don't, well, it's the fun that counts.


going on name alone, it was a tossup for me between American Pharoah and Frammento. frammentos are my favorite coffee. fragment you say? yes my mind is forever fragmented. in honor of the new X-Files episodes coming, i'm going with the favorite, American Pharoah, cos the Pyramids were really built in honor of our alien masters. only our new robot masters can hope to defeat our alien masters.

have a mint weekend.