Wednesday, June 29, 2022



MBC is the prettiest youngest CEO on the planet. and the third in America because America is third in the world. why she doesn't strut in flipper feet everytime she disembarks from her kelp boat is cos she's done the work, she doesn't need to preen her dripping lips. her all-black wetsuit flips over and dries her wet thick chaplet of matted matte hair.

MBC: i'm from a different generation, the millennial generation, we cared. we still care. when the fascists from the previous administration razed down and dismantled Summit, we had to think of another circle of high-end friends, influencers, and business magnates to count on to save the world in secret. i got my MBA from Instagram, none of that shit matters anymore in the world, we're in dire straits here!!! so there's Serac now built in a day from wood atop the snowy Himalayan hilly mountains. 

MBC: i remember the day i met my future husband clear as ocean water. how i want ocean water to be, to remain. i was naked on a bikini-only white-sand beach in Porto, Portugal, breezily going about my young life not thinking about commitment but secretly cringing inside cos i was rudderless. 

Tina Belcher in a bikini on the beach: is someone trying to say or think my name right now? or otherwise trying to conjure me for something?

MBC: there he was. on the beach before my eyes. tall, hulking, but not sporty in any way. a nerd. he wore glasses.
Benoit: like the beads. the anal beads. you got nice big tits.
MBC: you can see them, can you? that's what your glasses are for, aye? you got glasses. your smile is thick-lipped. you're kinda cute in a goofy duckbilled-platypus kinda way.

their first date was right there on the sand, they skydived on a tiny wind-battered kite the two of them on top of this lightweight red-triangle kite with a string of multicolored bows for a tail. that made for a tale. everyone else on that beach marveled at how those two stayed airborne. 

MBC: this ain't heavy enough, dark enough, it won't last. who's pulling who?
Benoit eating her bikini-top mistaking it for the kite tail: no one, we're flying each other. we're flying BECAUSE of each other. that's pretty sweet, right? rather sweet. rather romantic.
MBC: why do you insist on wearing that red fez all the time? are you a member of the cardinal clergy? i i need to be able to FUCK you for this to work.
Benoit: it's my barretina. i'm a member of a congregation of swarthy sexual Mediterranean men living on the coastline.

MBC: we're gonna have to do something DRASTIC if this thing's gonna last. i've been wanting to do this social experiment in real life for a long time, a hypothetical i formed in my head at college. and the two of us are perfect and perfectly-timed lab rats. let's FORCE OURSELVES to stay apart from each other FOR A WHOLE MONTH. if we are sweating and crying all the time at the end of it cos we simply cannot possibly continue living ONE MORE SECOND APART from each other, if the bond between us is so strong both of us are in convulsions each night sleeping alone in our soaked palmed beds, THEN we will know that this was fate.

at JFK Airport both parties are crying and carrying on on tacky orange shag carpet from the fascist era not the '70s. MBC hugs Benoit and feels his bicep muscle for the first time.
MBC: i'll miss you, i think, i HOPE.
Benoit: SAME. i get a weird feeling from you, a GOOD weird feeling. may our separation be on paper only. not in spirit. you had me sign a stupid form to make it legal.
MBC: my lawyers did that up, a green CEO can't be too careful. i'm coming into some money soon. bye, potential lover.

Madonna on SNL in the 1980s: i'm a married woman now, so...

Blackwall Tunnel: England's Arc de Triomphe

Michael Weiss: before Instagram, people sent postcards, it took 3 months to get your point across.

Michael Jackson: EOS, Evolution of Smooth, i love this stuff for my skin, it would have been my next evolution at Disneyland...
EOS, Evolution of Smooth: lution lotion. no worries, Madame Pons, these are circular balls of skin care, not bath bombs.

Corona "The Rhythm of the Night": very similar to Rozalla's "Everybody's Free".........except for the Satanic tarot cards.

Laura Watton: the British do manga and anime, too!!! anime and manga!!!

Stanley Tucci: Tony Bourdain mentions negroni in his famous speech.
Rubikon: ...
Stanley Tucci: i happen to make a mean negroni, i'm famous for that.........i'm not comparing myself to Tony Bourdain but.
Anthony Bourdain: don't call me Tony.

Rectoress: i'm coming for Butt...

Brian Garfield: i finally made enough money to send Nermal to Ireland...

Wendy's: we double the strawberry for you this summer, Frosty and salad.........and our restaurants look like office buildings.

black swan event: black swan theory, black, Satanic, get it?...

Billie Joe Armstrong: hey don't go pushing Jodie Sweetin down, don't go shoving the slighted Tanner middle-child girl around, around a chained-link fence, manhandling the girl, this full house ain't divided and WILL stand!!!

Anthony Bourdain at the JFK Airport lounge: when i say be at a bar at 4 o'clock when there's no people, that could apply to AM but it's more meaningful if it's PM...

Norad the night elf at the JFK Airport bathroom downstairs from the rotunda elliptical: i've never met Santa in my life. but i've helped Santa get through the stress of Christmas Night with a blowjob. my name is David Harbour and i have no memory of the entirety of the year 2005...

Emma Raducanu: i like to SIT on the grass when i strike the ball with force abandon forehead and backhand playing my Wimbledon matches on that sweet sweet green lawn.
Inuyasha wearing a tennis ball around his neck: ...
Emma: i sit my arse down on that sweet sweet wet grass and get my arse all moist and muddy and pretend i'm a hippie in the 1969 Summer of Love...

in the crowds at Wimbledon.
fan: Emma, will you marry me?
Emma Raducanu: how much money you make? just kidding. wait a minute you're just a BOY!!! here have some Percy Pigs.
Orla Melissa: ...

crones Doryce and Gladyce: we bumped into Rudy Giuliani at The Store...

Harmony Tan: my COACH said scalp, okay?...
Hiawatha: obviously you get your impressive tan from the orange sun, not a tanning bed.
Mardith: i'm 1/32th Native American... illegal slideshow in Walnut Creek leads to an arrest...

Faith Streng: faith is on a string these days.
Mardith: tell me about it, sister, it's gonna take ANOTHER 50 YEARS to get Roe back!!! back to us, back to our arms!!! to reverse the reversal. until we get 13 Supreme Court judges who expand the Court to 13 Judges and lean left.
Faith Streng: expand to 13? that's unlucky, not lucky, and impossible. is Roe or Wade still alive? i need to talk to them.
Mardith: i'm trying to do an aura cleanse around the whole area but i've been alone for so long, i only hear animals now, not humans.
Faith Streng: do you have ANY idea how hard it is to make it in the underground Los Angeles acting scene...

The Tennis Channel: wouldn't you rather watch pickleball instead of Wimbledon?...  

Nick Kyrgios spits in a fan's face.
John McEnroe: the fan deserved it. look, Nick is a misunderstood guy like me. i'll visit Nick in prison after work and see if i can get those Kobe tickets...
Chiara Passari: i'm no bird, don't call me a passenger pigeon, i do the Pigeon dance in bed when i fuck Ernie in front of Bert, i traumatized Bert with that. Nick spits in bed with me all the time, i taught him how.
Nick: sorry, bird, i didn't mean to post that Instagram pic of us naked together in bed, i had to own an anonymous nobody person who came onto my Instagram...  
Chiara: don't get my hackles up, bitch. don't heckle me. never cross an Italian woman who's your Italian girlfriend!!!
Nick: sorry, luv.
Chiara: you peanut-butter-eating bitch.

Gravesend: where Casper the Friendly Ghost lives.........but NOT dies.
Casper the Friendly Ghost: i'm a hipster.

Sinclair Lewis going up the escalator at the JFK Airport slowly: when fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in the American flag and sticked on the pole of the Cross.

Tom Cruise: there is no blood feud between me and my dear friend Brad Pitt. i'm not texting to him daily texting him about the success of Top Gun: Maverick.
Brad Pitt: hey buddy Tom, i got an Oscar, you don't...

sifaka: your Wikipedia argument is invalid because you typed it without wearing a mask...

father: you're going to be a FIREMAN?
son: no, just the specific Ghostbusters firehouse in New York City...

Melissa Maker: i'm not a self-loathing Canadian, i'm just a Canadian who HATES the cold, i hate the place i live at cos of the cold weather, okay?!!! i'm sawry.
Maiara Walsh: i'm afraid we can never get married now, i DESPISE Trader Joe's...

Dakota Johnson: i knew i'd get karmic backlash for doing Fifty Shades of Grey.
Alfred Hitchcock: what? i'm not creepy, i gave you a miniaturized Tippi Hedren in a coffin.
Dakota: did you love my mother?
Alfred: were you conceived in North or South Dakota? i was offering your mom the part in my new screenplay Sunset Boulevard 2...

Liquid IV reporting live from the California drought: it's not Liquid 4...

man: this world is too much. it's too crazy. the world is WARPED. it's just TOO insane now. ungovernable, unfixable. i can't deal. i literally want to move to Hawaii so i can stick my head in the white sand.

Cecily Strong: now that i'm the female anchor of SNL, can i get my old Weekend Update anchor job back?...

5 Guys A Week: not another reality dating tv show. it's about a couple married for 70 years who eat each week at a Five Guys burger joint...

Jeanne Crain: insane in my memcrain. or brave in my brain. being a Republican during the McCarthy times in Hollywood. the times Trials. can i crash at Jack Tripper's place tonight? i went to another party. two in fact. i was the original Paris Hilton...

Mariah Carey: you'll always be my in my child.

strong won't: better than strong bad

NFL: we're hiring for a position on sports get as much money for ourselves from sports betting as we can. as much money possible legally and illegally. 

Alison Amritraj: i like that. AA.

Nick Nemeroff: i coached Roger Federer...

Foreen: not foreign

Eye Luggage: Bob's Burgers: The Movie and go. or The Bob's Burgers Movie and go.

Laertus: agree. kinda. kinda agree. i mean there was one RAISON D'ETRE for this movie, ONE reason for this to exist: to reveal what Louise Belcher looks like without her pink bunny-ears hat. and they DIDN'T DO IT!!! they hinted at it but no SHOW!!!

previous government: raison d'etat...

Eye: not to mention we still don't know what Ginger looks like. we still don't have the Louise-Regular-Sized-Rudy kiss we all want, the one that gets caught in braces rubber-bands.
Rubikon: i want them to acknowledge Rudy's asthma and anthropomorphize his inhaler so he can better relate to Louise's Pokémon. they did that already? i thought that was a vacuum.
Madame Pons: i feel this movie was tailormade for MY demographic...

Bob Belcher admiring his slight figure in his steel spatula: and of course the BIGGEST sin of all: they had the chance to FINALLY reveal my MOM!!! what does Bob Belcher's mother look like? but no the sun conveniently covers her face!!! we all got BAITED. talk about a cocktease.
Dirg: that was said very Archerly the way Archer would say that. thank you. at least Season 1 Archer, Archer from Season 1.

Tyzik: you'd think for this movie they'd have a special Bob's Burger of the Day, really ramp up the name, have the wordplay be EXTRA clever. what did they use?
Laertus: i forgot. getting faint. something faint in my mind. a mango or something? 
Eye: a burger that has a watercress finger sandwich inside.

Linda Belcher: cheer up, Bob.
Bob Belcher: for the last time, Linda, the burgers talk to ME!!! don't move my mouth with your fingers like i'm the Joker.
Linda: what did your mother always say to you?
Bob: i don't know, i never saw her face.
Linda: don't get down in the pits or you'll end up in shits. we can say that, right? it's an R movie. 

Linda and Bob in bed together under moonlit-blue sheets.
Linda: you feel covered, Bob?
Bob: i'm fried with anxiety. immobilized by fear. we can't pay our joint mortgage. burger-joint mortgage. we're gonna lose my father's dream. of a diner. and the house. i'm covered by the sheets but not emotionally, psychiatrically, and really.
Linda sack-taps Bob's penis. 
Bob: why'd you hit my nuts? and tap my glans back and forth like a swing toy?
Linda: it's what we do in Sac. where i'm from, Sactown. Sacramento, Old Italy. your balls are my kegel balls, my ben wa balls. to remind you to add nuts to your burgers. why don't you add nuts to your Burger of the Day one time?
Bob: i spread peanut butter on the burger buns, that's good enough.

Eye: i loved the musicals in this, the dance numbers. some went overlong but all were cute. 
Linda: did you like my fluidity in this? 
Laertus: i was just about to say.
Linda: the animation in this was EXTENSIVE, you really saw the shadelines in each character's cheeks. facial cheeks. you saw the shadows. the wharf came ALIVE with a new palette of raw color. and new storefronts. and carny booths. it was big-budget animation-budget shading. i was FLEXIBLE!!! alriiiiight!!! i was out there dancing like i was Kevin Bacon!!!
Bob: and i use bacon in my burgers. inside the bun.
Eye: okay but i FREAKED OUT when Louise and then the family get buried alive in that hole. the waterfall aspect of the leak was fun at first but not the BURIED ALIVE thing, the scene was PITCH BLACK!!! that part. and the mob-bodies pipe. mob pipeline. imagine experiencing this at an already-darkened movie theater as a FIVE-YEAR-OLD KID!!! that kid is traumatized right now in need of lifelong therapy.
Codrus: or he becomes a priest so he isn't so scared of being buried anymore.
Cotard: or a gravedigger if he's an atheist.
Marlena from Days of Our Lives: i'm still not over being buried alive myself and i was a grown seasoned professional woman trained to withstand psychological stress as a therapist.

Eye: and the chase scene with the bumper cars was straight out of the Disneyland ride they want to build outta this.
Seth MacFarlane: oh no, i just remembered Fox owns Disney, they're gonna build a Fox News theme park.

Boc: when is Marshmallow gonna get her due? can you please make Marshmallow the MAIN character? she always gets shafted, both meanings.
Dirg: i much prefer Speedo Guy.

Gene Belcher in purple mohawk: why didn't i play my fart synthesizer? only at the end in that '80s band but it was all covered with fog-machine fog. 
Laertus's dad: oh god that music on stage at the end was SO Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk.

Dirg: i don't know how this works i shouldn't be saying this out loud but shouldn't Tina and Jimmy Jr. have sex? is it too early for that? too young? are they in high school or junior high? it wouldn't be NOT realistic. i mean i remember a blowjob in the 7th Grade but i guess that was just me...
Jimmy Jr.: my butt looked GOOD all big on the big screen inbetween those two pieces of orange Kraft slice American cheese squares. melty. 
Tiny: your butt melts me like cheese.
Jimmy Jr.: hey why was my dad there but he never spoke the whole movie?
Dirg: it has to do with what Cassidy Hutchinson had to say about Jimmy Sr.
Dirg: look, i understand, it's hard to discredit Cassidy Hutchinson cos she's hot.
Lance Armstrong: my king days are over. i'm just dad now. i sold a wheel to the former fascist administration that was a Fisher Price wheel for a baby scooter.
Robin: even I didn't have baby hands THAT small.

Captain Nemo: i did savor the use of a harpoon-gun as the murder weapon. you don't see good harpoon guns in high art anymore.
Alfred Hitchcock: right?
Captain EO harpooning: ...

Michael Jackson: i did enjoy all the dancing during the end credits from all the characters, even the very minor minor characters you never see and will never see again. g'night folks.

MBC patiently waits outside the theater exit for all the filmgoers to come out. so she can sell her wares.
MBC: i hold in my hand a bloody pad. a pad where i keep my survey strained from all the soppy blood sweat and tears i've had to work for my entire life. rinsed and stained on my eyelids. i already have crow's feet under my eyes. to work towards, the bigger picture is the larger goal. HERE MISTER, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY MY KELP BURGER?
Bob Belcher: well.........okay. Olay? for your eye skin? and the skin under my saggy sagging butt? relatable. i'm trying to relate to you. i'm trying this to not be rude. not out of spite or jealousy. to be polite.........okay you know what? wow. this burger is TASTY. IT'S ACTUALLY VERY GOOD!!! you can't tell the difference!!! i shouldn't be saying that out loud it's bad for business. i got some kelp in my cookie-duster of a mustache.
MBC: kelp tastes like cookie i mean cookies. see? i told you. i'm trying to save the world over here!!!


Monday, June 27, 2022



i would finally master eating with chopsticks if i had lightsaber chopsticks

1. tell us 10 things that scare you

*courts, not tennis the other court

*the 1984 secret police, tho that Eurythmics song was cool and i would have liked to see Elizabeth Taylor in the role of Big Brother

* Wimbledon without fans

* -isms

* having too much money

* when the trains run on time

* Freddie Prinze, Jr.

* Jack "Black Swan" Black

* Ethan Hawke now that he did that fucked-up horror role

* Judge Judy (court again)

but really it comes down to the overall overarching all-encompassing fear: nothingness. nothingness is scary. eternally scary. the only person who can help us through this is Jodie Sweetin.

2. when it comes to sex, which of the following do you and your partner disagree about more?

a) where to have sex: i want the cemetery and she wants the church, i mean it's kinda the same thing

b) when to have sex: i want it in a Burger King bathroom, she wants it only at 3:44 AM in the morning, luckily i work the graveyard shift

c) how often to have sex: she can get by on once a month, i need it every afterlife...

3. worst thing to do as a couple:

a) dieting: WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT TRUST DR. GUNDRY!!!!!!!!!! we both enjoy whatever diet cookies Cathy the comic-strip lady is eating at the moment. DIET COKE IS NOT COKE!!!

b) picking a movie: i want The Unbearable Lightness of Being, she wants Last of the Mohicans. i like grimy inscrutable subtitled-in-Czech romance, she likes americana action in the forest it gives her wood. we both wanna fuck Daniel Day-Lewis but for different reasons.

c) building something from Ikea: she likes Swedish meatballs but they remind me too much of Brian Smith. i'm not good with my hands except to hold a pen, the only thing i know how to build are those tiny houses from Lena Dunham.

4. what is the most organic thing in your home right now? water. i live in California and in California water is more valuable than oil...

5. tell us the best thing you bought to enhance your life for under 30 usd:

a stick. also a love potion i got at the 99 Cent Store that makes me desirable by making me age 29 again...


Friday, June 24, 2022



* Cathy: ACK!!!!!!!!! with this bizarro world getting even more bizarro-er, ever more bizarro-est, what can one do? where can one go? hide under the bed all summer? no, that's why i have the hope of 9 exclamation points instead of 10, 9 is feminine, femiNINE, 10 is hopeless. 9 is mystique, 10 is done. when the CBS television special Cathy came out in 1987, it was supposed to be a new age for me as a symbol, as the placeholder for all women, as the modern woman living in the '80s. feminists hated me cos they thought all i did was obsessively search for a man to complete me, to complete my life. but my vulnerability is my strength, my anxiety is my pill. don't worry, i have a feminist friend, she sets me straight and sets me on dates. it was my MOM who was the old-fashioned one who wanted me to get married.
Loni Anderson: when i did the voice of Blondie in the '80s i looked like Blondie. ironically, now i look like i was born i  the 1930s...
Mardith: i'm very much enjoining watching Cathy (1987) at my local CVS...
me: i love Cathy and i love Cathy. but there's a feeling of melancholy as i watched this, when it ended it didn't hit me with a note of hope, instead a blanket wrapped around me, a blanket of hopelessness, of singleness, that all this searching and dating using a telephone and an answering machine and the clubs and the Trainspotting singles bars and the motorcycle would yield no fruit, would bear nothing, resultless, resultsless, that this search for love and meaning is something we all had to do and go through but we wouldn't actually find anyone in the end. even in the hopeful age of the 1980s.

* Pizza Hut spaghetti: we had to compete with the McPizza

* Arby's: we call it a Greek Burger but it's just a gyro. open up an account with us and for the low low price of your life savings we will teach you how to get that low low LOW baritone that sdds gravitas to your voice.

* Marilyn Monroe: Monroe queen bed? i was a queen in bed WITHOUT a bed, i didn't NEED a bed...

* me: i tried the Wendy's Strawberry Frosty it really wasn't anything special. sometimes i tasted strawberry, sometimes vanilla. i have no idea why they waited so long.

* Popeyes: we've been cooking our amazingly savory-flavored chicken with crispy coating now long as Roe vs. Wade has been the law of the land!!!

* Andy Milonakis: i nowadays look like the woman who does the English voice of Naruto.
Maile Flanagan: nah. i'm cute. at least i'm kawaii. when is Lab Rats coming back? i am so nostalgic for that show.
Ms. Swan from MADtv: you look like a man...

*  Qatar World Cup: is sex really worth 7 years of your life locked up in jail?
Marilyn Monroe: yes, men have 7-year itches. it's worth my time. besides, i didn't come to Qatar for the architecture, i came to Qatar for the SOCCER!!!
Qatar World Cup: soccer balls like your tits?
Marilyn Monroe: life is short. especially in my case. you gotta live it up while you can!!! while you still have one!!!

* Tom Cruise: i was born with short jet fuel in my blood...
Val Kilmer: i got iceman in my veins...
Roger Federer: i USED to come to Qatar...

* Julee Cruise: yeah so i bounced around a bit.........did my music.........became a 70-year-old Baywatch lifeguard...
JFK: reminds me of beach life on the sand-colored shores of Maine...

* bocconcini: the bonking pasta 

* Michael Weiss: Instagram now.........Instagram is just dancing, Instagram now is just videos of people dancing randomly for no reason...

* Buzz Lightyear: i'm the man, not the toy. my movie is a better crowd-pleaser feel-good film about the Armed Forces than that hack Top Gun: Maverick.

* Cathy Guisewite: GAH!!! look how CUTE i look up there in my '70s pictures. the '70s were boss, man. i do not hide behind a guise, when i draw this comic and write the dialogue it's all ME, she's a microcosm of my macro massive inner world, all artists are introverts, this is the way i healthily achieve therapy. without going crazy in this mad outer world. you could learn a lot from me, Dirg.
Dirg: ...
Dirg: i'm always angry, i'm always mad.
Cathy Guisewite: i am a white woman with a typically sardonic Jewish outlook on life and men. the comic is how i work out my things, my stuff, unpack my trauma. all those thought bubbles above Cathy's head that Andy Samberg made fun of on SNL's Weekend Update desk, people call it word diarrhea but it's my unique crisp stream-of-consciousness at work, trying to make sense of the world.

* Cathy: Roe v. Wade, what the fuck is going on?!!! remember the comic strip when that landmark decision came down in 1973? i CELEBRATED that decision in that day's panel, in keeping with me being a modern woman, that was the most MODERN thing any society could ever do. what's with all the returning to the Stone Ages? classic is classic for a reason, everything has to be updated at some point. the Hippies weren't a cult, they were TRUE FREEDOM!!!

* Cathy (1987)
Irving: we live in the Three's Company apartment?
Cathy: kinda. we're just roommates for now, okay?
Irving: is this musical chairs?
Cathy: no we're getting farther away from each other, this relationship could just coast on casual for decades.
Irving: i don't sing. i want a man cave and beer, i'm from Chicago. why are you so OBSESSED with getting a man?
Cathy: i'm  not OBSESSED, getting a man is ONE PART of a modern woman's life, isn't it? we WANT IT ALL AND CAN GET IT ALL!!!

Cathy: being unmarried, being single, is a seduction, a sad seduction. look it's simple, Mr. Right simply has to be Brad Pitt on a motorcycle with a green mohawk who sings lullabies in my sensitive ear, grows houseplant ferns, and feeds Garfield. i work for a conglomerate. what does it do? conglomerates.

Cathy: winning Employee of the Lart Two Years is a deep honor. but i want deep-dish microwave pizza with my soul mate. why do all the characters here without hair look like Charlie Brown? makes sense, we are all part of the same comic-strip universe...

at the Jane Fonda Perfect aerobics class.
friend Andrea: it's the '80s, man!!! loosen up, girl, stretch your kinks out!!!
Cathy: i'm trying. i got no muscles.
Andrea: people fuck and set up spur-of-the-moment sex meetings using an ANSWERING MACHINE these days, Cathy, it's fun!!! don't think about how this person will be as your husband, just grate the cheese!!!
Cathy: there's nothing more depressing than a single girl's answering machine with ZERO messages.
Andrea: the women with the best seats go to the front of the class. you like that? you like how i say SEATS for butts? 

Irving: why do YOU have eyes but everybody else has dots?
Cathy: cos i SEE the world for what it really is!!! you have FROZEN PIZZA in your fridge!!! YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME!!!
Garfield: no it's frozen lasagna!!! i didn't eat it i swear, i used it for a Stanley Cup hockey puck!!!
Cathy: what's the butter ON A TRAY for?!!!
Irving: for bread!!! not for Marlon Brando tango sex!!!

Cathy: hi, dad.
dad: hi, daughter. 
Cathy: you're my dad in real life.
dad: are you locked in for the night? are you trapped under your weighted blanket?  
Cathy: yep, i'm not going anywhere tonight, i'm lonely and in bed at 7PM, the same time this special is airing. you swallowed my apartment key, remember?
dad: thought it was vanilla ice cream.

Andrea: hey remember PERSONAL ADS? people did that back then i mean now, they looked for love IN A NEWSPAPER!!!
Cathy: where my comic strip is i mean where my real life is lived.

blind date: two women. 
Andrea maces the man.
blind date: my eyes are dots now. all i said was two women, that doesn't necessarily indicate threesome.
Andrea: did you want a threesome?
blind date: yes.
Andrea: i'll protect you, Cathy. mace is SO '80s.

Cathy: my workplace is important but i want to work on our RELATIONSHIP.
Irving: i'm willing to compromise, you're important to me, life isn't all about sex tho i'm a man. life is about lasagna.
Cathy let's stay together for the long haul like covid. i'm so happy, Irving!!! i finally found my purpose!!! let's dance like the Peanuts characters but in a ballroom.  men should come with an instruction manual.
Irving: i have that book in my man cave...
Cathy: i'm pregnant. we have a daughter.
Irving: what's her name?
Cathy Guisewite: the name of my daughter...

happpy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: strawberry. second strawberry. strawberry the second. i just hope it's not wilted...


Wednesday, June 22, 2022



Woodstock in 1969 goes off without a hitch. JFK takes off his business shirt in the sweltering sun and puts on a faded orange long-sleeved shirt.
JFK: this is my proudest accomplishment as President. 
the hippies come, the hippies come flooding in, the Hippie Revolution infiltrates and integrates fully into government, all streetsigns are torn down, everybody does everything naked from now on. and there is no more war. it starts to rain.

JFK naturally is flocked by a bevy of beauties in various stages of undress, not always with their bellbottoms and Redbottoms on, as he oversees the show.
JFK: i'm not wearing my shades for this, i want to SEE. i want to inhale all the pot smoke i can before i legalize this stuff. i want everyone in the world to experience the ecstatic joy of inhaling smudge smoke. if i can manage they can manage.
two crones: we are the True Wiccans.
JFK: okay so i'm here at The Summer of Love. now what? what do i do?
Nixon: just go with the vibe, man. dirt yourself up. dig a hole, daddy-o.
JFK: i hope i can be a good father to my kid, a daddio to the son. not for legacy, for love. free love.
hippie chicks laying on a bed of flowers: you are OUR daddy. the country's daddy.
Cecily Strong in a linoleum muumuu: *wink*

suddenly JFK disappears from the scene and has the scenester teamsters worried sick.
JFK: sorry, i had to take a week there, i was helping a woman find her purpose again. 
hippie chicks in bed: we know what you mean.
JFK: sometimes a President's gentle words can soothe a suicide, sway it away, swat that shit away and let it LIVE again!!! you hippie babes know what i mean, we're all part of the same galactic generation, i'm 100 years old in spirit. anyway, enough of that unpleasantness. we're supposed to be having FUN at this festival, folks!!! right? i got the order all lined up. these bands will blow your mind and treat in kind.

first up on the Woodstock stage are The Beatles. next: Joe Cocker sings the Wonder Years theme song. and finally, Janis Joplin becomes the first JJ who's a woman. Janis marries Jimi Hendrix in an all-purple ceremony on stage.
Janis: where's our wedding cake, James?
Hendrix: call me Jim. scratch that, call me Drix, that has drip. Hex, Hendrix Hex, i don't know, i'm the first warlock who's cool and not a dweeb. if i were a dweeb i'd be called Nasal Drip. 
Janis: the cake?
Hendrix: right. i froze my guitar so our guests'd all have ICE CREAM CAKE!!!

Sasha Grey: i don't have a glazed look to my eyes, it's just i'm insanely jaded with my life as you can imagine.

Cold War (2018): i mean it's kinda like the Before Trilogy.........when did Before Midnight come out? 2013? shit.

Dr. Vacc: there's a vaccine requirement to work on the soap opera General Hospital.........doesn't that make sense? you're working in a hospital.

Tsunade: remember, Kakashi, i can't cum unless you push the blue diamond button on my forehead as we fuck.
Suzy Lu: watch it, woman. watch it, fellow blonde woman with big tits.

Beetle Bailey: we all have rectangular butts...
Bunny Piper: i'm a real woman. i'm what Olive Oyl would look like if she were a real woman. i'm what Betty Boop would look like if she were a real woman...
Cosmo: i'm the private friend who looks like if Schroeder from Peanuts played jazz piano...
Laertus: yeah that's great. teach the kids by animating a live radio falling into a bathtub of water, that teaches kids about life.
Takahashi: the Chinese restaurant scene was PAINFUL.
Miss Buxley: as long as i don't fuck Beetle Bailey i should be fine...

Laraine Newman with gold tints in her hair and a gold band: well, one good thing that came from the O.J. Simpson SNL episode was i got married at the end of it. i flash my new engagement ring...
Andrew Gold: never let her slip away...  

at The Weather Channel
Maria LaRosa: so this summer there are gonna be NO HURRICANES AT ALL, there is nothing going on in Africa ever...

Steve Kornacki at the Royal Ascot: did you ever think you'd see me in a top hat? i'm poaching from Elton John's stable of studs to-DAY!!!
Uncle Sigh the horse: we don't do the dainty trot across the grass after a win at the Kentucky Derby...
jockey: i'm very talented in the saddle.........i wear Jockey underwear.

Resveratrol: we have your reservation for the smoke-filled steakhouse, we're not trolling you. we continue to hold onto your reservation. we got the ticket in our hand. we're a natural drug we keep in reserve just in case...

Greg Norman: Rory McIlroy!!! you're just jealous that i can golf naked in Saudi Arabia and you can't!!!
Rory McIlroy: no. i'm jealous of your muscles. i'm jealous of your black cowboy hat. Stetson sucks. unless there are two swords on it.
Greg: i just never cared about 9/11. why do you?
Rory McIlroy: let's hash out a truce, what say we BOTH agree to get rid of that "Baba Booey!!!" guy who's at every golf course in the world RIGHT at your downswing.

Berkshire blanket: the only fuzzy gold lame that's la-may blanket that fits Peter Griffin...
Peter Griffin: lame.

Greykid: there is nothing more precious than a dog swimming...

KQED Bay Area: we're looking for provocateuses...

hobby farm: the Saddle Girls aren't here...
Dirg: small holding, bad name to describe me.
Rubikon: smallholding, TERRIBLE images from that word for me.

TV: we just decided to animate EVERY SINGLE NEWSPAPER COMIC STRIP for television on CBS in 1987 and 1989...

Bea Arthur: you know what woman could have beaten Andy Kaufman in a wrestling match? ME!!! FUCKING ME!!!

Cat Rambo: but when will i do my alternate history on John Rambo? when he singlehandedly WON the Vietnam War.
JFK: ...
Cat Rambo: do you like my hair dark purple or light purple?

Blemmyes: yeah we existed. we fought the Romans.
Codrus: ...
Blemmyes: we were headless men, our faces were in our torsos.
Dirg: again, enough with the belittling by calling me a headless man. i'll sue you for slander like i did to the New York Times. tho i admit these are the sort of creatures i draw for my comic book.

Dagwood Bumstead: when i wear a bowler hat i look like Wimpy from Popeye.
Blondie: hey roof workers!!! only my HUSBAND gets to eat my muffin i mean call me Muffin.
Butt: sorry, ma'am. back to work, men. no muffin for you. maybe if you're good and get the job done. bread but no soup.
Blondie: i'm the ultimate woman, a housewife who looks like Marilyn Monroe. why did i marry a man with no eyes who has hair coming out of his ears?
Dagwood: my eyes have no soul. but i do. you liked my mouth. you liked how my mouth opened REAL WIDE unhinging my jaw like a steel trap to eat that WHOLE Dagwood sandwich in one bite.
Blondie: i like what yo mouf do. 

Blondie: but we're stuck in the 1930s. we look dated. '30s and '80s don't mix.
Blondie the band: ...
Blondie: plus, the president of the robber-baron steel-joints corporation looks like Howard Taft...
Chic Young with a peace-sign tattooed to his forehead: i'm doing some "research" out on this golf course as you can see here with these two random lovely flapper girls. burlesque dancer cocktail waitress gypsies they told me. 
models: we're models. 
Chic: chicks for Chic. it was good to be a young white man in America in the l930s. no diseases, just syphilis. thank you, Lost Generation, i forgot all of your names.
Ernest Hemingway: fuck you, man. yeah, just like America in 1969...
jock: this is the ONLY cartoon that has EVER depicted a jock as a nerd.

Doryce: i am unpackable. a therapist cannot help me.
therapist: you're starting to pist me off.

Pride Bowl: the new Bear Flag

Kelsey Asbille: i couldn't be Kelsey Chow for Yellowstone. come sail away on my sails!!!...
Christopher Cross: Kelsey, who's Bill?...

Natalie Maines of The Chicks: hey musicians are athletes, too. these steroids aren't performance-enhancing, i need them to sing!!!

the crones at The Store shelves.
Doryce: IT'S NOT FAIR!!!
Gladyce: dear?
Doryce: the Fat Guy Sauce should be back on the shelves, he was cleared in a court of law!!!
Gladyce: Mario Batali? Mario Batali Spaghetti Sauce?

the crones at the produce cul-de-sac.
Doryce: dear when i get stanky during the summer i put my head under the organic-vegetable mister. the mister is my master. oh that's such a delightful CHILLY SPRITZ OF VAPOR that refreshes!!!
Gladyce: you smell of fear. that's why i love you. i go down your spine.
Doryce: wakes you up.
Gladyce: wakes you up indeed. a murk, a brume for us brooms.

the crones in the aisles.
Doryce: LOOK!!! is that our dear green friend Margaret Hamilton sniffing the carrots?
Gladyce: yep. but why does she have on a Kikkoman T-shirt?
Doryce: haven't you heard, dear? she's fucking Samuel L. Jackson...

pneumonia front: Maria LaRosa refused to clean...
Melissa Maker: no worries, i got the ammonia, i'll be right back...

Nok hockey=nockey
Doryce: nookie hockey.

Cotard: monks were the first pharmacists, the formulary, we didn't rip old people off with high drug prices.
Dr. Vacc: why did all the cameras pan to my face?
Billy Wilder: the camera LOVES your ugly mug!!! do you want to be in Sunset Boulevard II as the relative of King Kong who comes back to the mansion for revenge on Norma Desmond after her jail?
Mendel: back then we just used herb...

KraftMac: we changed our name. even in Canada!!! 
Kraftwerk: all our music was fueled by macaroni and cheese. 
Gordon Ramsay: not ramen? i make ramen better than Martin Yan.

Eye Luggage: Top Gun: Maverick and go.
Fat Albert: okay so to distract from the news, the Fat Albert is a fighter jet. it's an aircraft plane that carries both types of cargo, both kinds, even the mean ones, freight and people. it teaches how not to become your parents, how to become people now. it's a preighter.

Laertus: i'm just gonna come right out and say it. and it's gonna make Dirg very happy. i don't get this movie. it's just okay. it's not great. it's not even good. it could be bad. how the FUCK did it earn a trillion dollars at the box office?
Eye: it was more about the fact that people were so relieved and happy to have their butts in a movie theater again without masks that they spent ALL THE MONEY that exists in the world. 
Dirg: early pre-Scientology Tom Cruise was good. he was Tom Clancy Tom Cruise. TCTC. afterwards, our boy went off the deep end which is hard for him cos he always has to be in the shallow end of the pool or he'll drown...

Tom Cruise: i'm crispy. the greatest thing that happened to me on set...
Miles Teller: well it happened to me...
Tom: are you a bank teller?
Miles: *clears throat* um. well. yes. i was. before i started waitressing. 
Tom: nice pornstache, kid. you came in...
Miles: i was sick on set one day, and the nurse told me i had jet fuel in my blood. like, ACTUAL JET FUEL in my blood.
Tom: that nurse was also a waitress. and what did i say to you legendarily?
Miles: you said...


Tom Cruise: mic drop. 
Miles Teller: yeah. i'm Spider-Man btw.

Kelly McGillis: NO FAIR!!! i coulda been in this!!! i'm not TOO old and ugly for this!!! Jennifer Connelly didn't even DO anything here!!! there's no TONGUE in this one!!!
Dirg: i'm with you, woman. you would have added some milf spice to those love scenes. some seasoned spice. 
Kelly McGillis: that's lady, kid. if you can get Val Kilmer back IN HIS CONDITION, you can get me. i'm not disabled, i'm just old!!!
Madonna: tell me about it, girl!!!

Kenny Loggins: LAME!!!
Archer: right? hey do you find that the wedge of lemon DOESN'T dilute the scotch?
Kenny Loggins: the music here is BAD.
Giorgio Moroder: i'm Zeus now, i'm the God of Mount Olympus now that Vangelis is dead.

Ed Harris: I am the only MAN here. look how i didn't fucking FLINCH when the fighter jet zooms past my head. i didn't bat an eyelash, i let that fucker of a plane buzz me, buzz by me without budging, as it got near my cheek i bit its wings off with my teeth.
Tom: that's cos you have no head hair to lose.

Tom: i'm flying this invisible jet stealth fighter to MACH 11. if i die i die. i get paid either way. i didn't REALLY want to do this, a sequel to this movie that's an '80s cult classic would have been disrespectful. 
Sonic: fuck being hyper.
Admiral Adama: i got Wonder Woman on speed-dial...

Jon Hamm: i'm just here looking for Flo from Progressive. we have a blind date. she's the one that got away, i wanted a romance with her when she was in Mad Men but the producers said she wasn't hot enough. i've secretly been in love with Flo my whole life. i was more suited, get it, SUITED, to sell insurance, not advertisement. boredom not pizzazz. i hated playing a conservative on that show, i wanted to be a progressive who came up with the soda "I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing" hippie vibe. 

Tom Cruise at the lockers: we got enough photos of Goose here? just checking. what the fuck, what are you doing here?
Anthony Edwards: i'm a doctor, remember? i patched myself up after the water landing...

Tom Cruise: how long has it been?
Jennifer Connelly: 40 years.
Tom: are you worth a penny now?
Jennifer: not cool, dude. i'm your ex, remember? my daily morning mantra is you will not break me. i've had to undergo MAJOR plastic surgery, but you look EXACTLY THE SAME.
Tom: think of me as the novella version of the god who mans the hologram we're all under. so what do you do at this bar?
Jennifer: ring the bell. that's about it. we don't even serve any oyster crackers. you're paying for all the new recruits' drinks.
Tom: ah, like an NBA rookie. so are we gonna fuck?
Jennifer: sure. but with our clothes on. in the most tame way ever, the most benign way possible. this ain't no Requiem For A Dream, i did not sign up for THAT again!!!

Neil Diamond at the piano bar: i ain't doing it. i won't sing the Caroline In The City theme song till my Red Sox win again.
Tom: i don't want to talk to Miles Teller. i don't want to unpack all that Goose stuff with him. i'm simply not gonna have lines with Miles Teller, we won't have a scene together, i won't have to get uncomfortable, i can do that, i have the power to do that, i'm worth $4 billion dollars.

Tom: i'm no teacher. i don't have Kelly McGillis's legs, that scene won't work now.
strident student cadets: what's so funny about peace love and understanding? and uranium? they're probably using that uranium to light their cities during winter. very benignly.
Tom: i've been known to drink uranium on occasion. abort the mission like Roe. class dismissed. except you, Bob, see me after class.
Bob: what is it?
Tom: change your name to Di.
Bob: Die? all of us who wear the uniform would gladly lay down our life for our country, sir.
Tom: no not Princess Di, Dianetics.

Dirg: oh come ON!!! that is so LAME!!! this is ME we're talking about here!!! the team-bonding beach volleyball scene has been PERVERTED!!! it's not sexy anymore, it's all clothed and benign. they don't even play volleyball, they play football but with a Nerf football, it's not man football. have the women naked, that would be progressive, there weren't women in the original scene, everyone was too focused on those OILED MAN BODIES, that BEEF COOKED WITH OIL. Tony Scott you old devil, God rest your soul you lewd rascal rapscallion.

Tom: remember, all these training exercises we're doing where we're flying jetfighter warplanes high around steep curves and sudden curbs and snowy mountains and terrible treacherous terrain, NONE OF THIS IS REAL. we're all in green screens jumping around on a mechanical bull...

Miles Teller: why'd you block my application to the Navy? because why? cos i like Alice In Chains?
Tom: it was your mother. she wanted me to protect you from death. she's dead. Meg Ryan's career is dead.

Val Kilmer: here it is. THE SCENE. i'm fucking Iceman, bitch.
Tom: are you auditioning for your final role on this planet before you die as Stephen Hawking?
Val: not cool, dude.
Tom: i like your teeth.
Val: not cool, dude.
Tom: can i take a little spin in your computer wheelchair?
Val: not cool, dude.
Tom: you can only talk by typing? what are you, housebound or something?
Val: enough. let's just get to it. why the fuck are you here?
Tom: because i'm crying right now.
Val: the Navy needs Tom Cruise, nobody believes in war anymore. dogfights are for the birds.
Tom: what if i kill the kid, too? then i would have killed the father, the son, AND the wife in a lay gone bad.
Codrus: you'd be eligible for the priesthood.
Tom: i killed an entire nuclear family!!! with nukes!!!
Iceman: you'll be okay. wanna hear my REAL VOICE?
Tom: no.
Val: it would have been dramatic and unexpected. my ad-lib you didn't see coming. after 40 years you can be my wingman anyday.
Tom: let's male-bond this conclusion with a bearhug and a couple of cigarettes...

Val Kilmer: seriously this could very well be my exit from life. nah, i'm gonna get better and fully recover for Willow 2. that short man...
Tom Cruise: ...
Val Kilmer: ...that short man from Willow, he's still alive, right?...

missing man formation: to honor the soldier. the fallen comrade. but it is in and of itself a fucking dangerous flight maneuver that could very well lead to another casualty...

Tom: anyone want some Lucky Strikes? Iceman didn't want his...

Miracle 1: the depression 
Miracle 2: lifting from your depression with a hole in a cave
Miracle 3: Jesus

Native Americans: don't you get it yet after all these years, numbnuts!!! don't put our names on anything that promotes violence!!! whether it's war OR sports!!! we brought you missives, not missiles. we don't come in peace, we were here FIRST in peace!!! the natives aren't restless, YOU'RE the ones who are restless all invading and colonializing like you did. colonizing cunts.

Miles: you told me NOT TO THINK.
Tom: why'd you push me just now?
Miles: come on, it was just a shove.
Amber Heard: ...

Tom: do you know how to fly one of these things?
Miles: nope.
Tom: me neither. don't worry, the net attached to the aircraft carrier will catch us like wicked tuna if we fly off the runway, keep eating your shelled peanuts.

Tom Cruise: JFK can be my wingman anyday. now THOSE are two alpha males, huh?
JFK: thanks, Tom. the other Tom, Tom Clancy, only WROTE about flying...

Tom Cruise: i'm uneasy that this film is thought of as a Republican movie being used to recruit moviegoers into the Armed Forces. i think of it more like live-action Beetle Bailey...
China: who's the enemy in this?
Tom: don't worry, the unnamed enemy is not Communist China. we keep the enemy unnamed so we can SHOW this movie in China and rake in even more trillions. Scientology is scary but there's a dark force in the world that's even scarier: Fox News. the unnamed enemy we're fighting here is Fox News. fox, get it? like the call sign, the call to fight, the call to war. Air Force lingo, you wouldn't get it, you people just don't understand.
Will Smith: ...
Will Smith: my callsign is Will Sith.

Tom Cruise: it's one of life's little mysteries that i remained a Captain this whole time and never ranked up.
Naruto: tell me about it...
Naruto: this movie bites. your fighter jets aren't flashy and cool like me.
Tom: flashy? cool? you?
Naruto: my silver headband. my orange balloon pants. all these airplanes just start wars you can't get out of, leaving it up to the younger generations to clean up the adults' mess!!! think about that, Hokage Toonami Tom. 
Tom Cruise: i will.
Naruto, squinting: g'night folks, believe it.

JFK at Woodstock: i have a very special mission planned.
a jetfighter plane zooms over the Woodstock field to the horror of the hippies attending, everyone ducks as it flies a little TOO LOW, undercutting the people buzz with the plane buzz.
Julee Cruise is piloting the craft.
JFK waves from the ground.
Julee from the opened cockpit to air it out: thank you, sir, you saved my life. i was a little hazy in my head for a while there towards the end. my eyes were all blurry. 
JFK: see? told you. this is a cool job, right?
Julee: nah. i'll leave it to John McCain to take over from here on out. i'll unload my payload and then i'm going back to my music.
JFK: i like your music. it's moody. ethereal. like early The Mamas & the Papas. remember tho don't let the music get TOO moody...

Julee flies over the campground, shooting not missiles but flowers at all the gatherers and peace-loving worshippers at the park that day. the crowd goes NUTS and wild as the weighted blanket of light flowers envelops all 300 trillion of them...

Nixon: nothing but an air mattress of airy flowers. Jack, i'm thinking of testing out a room's bed at the Watergate hotel. a nice place for the missus and i to have sex in. the wife loves those pillow mints full of a swan's nuts. and then after we christen the place we'll open up my campaign headquarters from there.  
JFK: nah. i've ordered that Watergate building demolished, it failed inspection, it's an unsafe hazard zone. it's now a Howard Johnsons.
Jacques Pepin: oh thank you, mon ami Jacques F. Kennedy, i will vote for you.

Nixon: i feel headwaters splashing on my weird clay face...

JFK: so i've been naked for a VERY long time here. the tents were used to hem the press in, not to provide me cover. i've been free to roam the farm and swim in all the open lakes in all the open fields in all the open imaginations of my multifaceted mind. i've been naked for a week straight and gay. and i've fucked 100,000 women and 10,000 men on these grounds alone. sorry, Wilt. i dived in headfirst everywhere. all in the name of love, for the cause of justice. i've had my fill. a President's duty is to his office. and to his orifice. i can never betray my one true love.
Marilyn Monroe arrives and drives up the field in a blue bus painted with Billy Corgan's face. she gets out into the muck and is wearing nothing but brown beads and dusty faded bluejean-bellbottoms with a circle of cloth ONLY around her ankles.
Marilyn: oathed, bitch. i wanna drink your oat milk. cloth for clit. do you like my corn-yellow hair so long it drops to my bare feet, Jack?
JFK: i wasn't looking at your hair. but i will put my rainbow flower into it.

JFK: ladies and gentlemen, THIS is my only true love. Marilyn. i get it, war whores, antiwar activist assholes, there's not enough love to go around. when i see my Marilyn dancing here, when i see her whirling about, spinning, sinning with her skirt, jumping sideways, her tits twirling in the magic moonlit mud, i want to protect ALL LIFE. her eyes make me salivate to save. when i see an Indian feather in her hair i look at Marilyn's blue eyes, those crystal ocean eyes, those sea eyes, those sea-leg eyes, makes me want to travel the world by water like i did when i was a Navy pup and save every last living thing down to the smallest ant. g'night folks. i mean it this time.