Monday, March 30, 2020


i LOVE Three Busy Debras!!! it's not just that it's the female version of Stella in white suits. i love their play on words, their surrealism, and there's a bit of Dadaism thrown in...make that Mamaism. still think it should have been on Comedy Central tho, i mean i want this thing to be ADMIRED!!!

1. what is something new you've done because you are under coronavirus self-quarantine?

had a Corona. no seriously. never had that beer before. never had beer before. of any kind. i don't understand bitter drinks, what's the appeal? drinks need to be sweet or my tongue says fuck you to my gall bladder. i mean i STILL see on tv commercials for Corona...every Corona gets its lime, and everyone dies...

2. what three habits have improved your life?

sleeping: never did it before. had my first sleep last night. wonderful. woke up which was cool cos i thought i was dead. had a lucid dream, which is like a dream with King Crimson's power from JoJo Golden Wind. it really regenerates the body, doesn't it? makes work easier.

eating: gotta say, this REALLY helped out my body. before i was a stick that would get carried up into the sky everytime it rained. now i had my first Popeye's Chicken Sandwich. had to drive on the highway out of the tri-state area for it but i drove 300 miles in one minute cos all the roads are clear.

drinking: i only drink Corona now...smite thee, begone spirit! drunk Shakespeare alone in my dorm room...

3. what really makes you angry? when people aren't kind. Doctor Who was perfectly explicit on the subject, i don't get why people still disobey doctor's orders. is it the accent? is it the blonde hair?

4. what's the craziest thing you've seen somebody do in the workplace?

one guy defenestrated cos he couldn't take looking at another one of those sad animal-abuse commercials again. don't get me wrong, this person is an avid animallover, he just couldn't take the pain. later i gave him Sarah McLachlan's number and they started dating. on condition that she divorce first, write "Adia 2" with even more cryptic lyrics, and that he vote Green 2020...

5. what is something that everyone looks stupid doing?

Steven Universe cosplay. but that's why the Steven Universe community is so awesome. except for the massive amount of online trolls in that community.

for my finale video i dressed up as a werewolf and sang the Being Human theme song. people chided me that it wasn't Rebecca Sugar's song "Being Human", but i just really miss that scifi show. the British one of course, the American one was trash as always. the community hates me now...

BONUS: if you were in a band, what kind of music would you play? college...

the picture last week was a tool to remove seeds from raisins...… question is, why not cut out the middleman and do it when they're still grapes...


Friday, March 27, 2020



* not the jet. nor the kid who turns into the jet or some such

* Daryl: people used to come out for a blurry photo of me.
Flo: now stupid cameras have autofocus and bokeh so you can't take a blurry photo even if you tried. they don't care about you anymore.

* Flo: wait, why don't you have a Northwest accent?
Daryl: people think my blood can stop coronavirus, they want me to save Seattle. but Kurt already saved Seattle. i do sound like Kurt, i growl like him. they say i look like Kim from Soundgarden.
Flo: how'd you get in here?
Daryl: the cat flap. then i beat that fake guru guy with the monytail and fake accemt with my walking stick here. that released all my country chakras.

* Daryl: people want me to be friendly like the one on tv, to show my teeth, to smile.
Flo: that bigfoot's smile wasn't friendly. it was fucking creepy. like, you weren't sure if he was real or animatronic, he was always half.

* wife: wait what's that?
husband: it's me, the guy from Adult Swim! oh, you mean the ATVs.
wife: those aren't ours. remember, you said you didn't have an ATM...
husband: let's get our kids and go.
wife: those aren't our kids. remember, you said you didn't want kids...
Daryl: i knew i should have done the Floss Dance...

* Daryl: here it is! THE SPOT! the spot where the iconic photo will be took! i'm ready!!! oh FUCK are you kidding me the damn speedboat is driverless! fuck technology!

* Daryl: i want to be seen.
Flo: i see you. but you're too hairy for me.
Daryl: science hasn't made a scissors for me yet, they're working on the vaccine. i don't want to be sad anymore, i want to be sassy.

* i missed it the first time, i missed that shining detail, the PROGRESSIVE sign blocked the film action, i missed Daryl looking at his big feet before he says, "my name is Daryl", classic.

* Flo: you say "my name is Daryl" with such a pained accent. people have more time to do the things they put off now. note: this was recorded BEFORE the outbreak...
Daryl: yeah. now i have time to complete my screenplay.
Flo: oh right, rad. this is what everyone says when they have no idea and don't care.
Daryl: you look just like my agent. want to read my screenplay? it's good, i promise, it has a lot of big words.
Flo:, i'm pretty busy now. in my abandoned office.
Daryl: fair enough...…...please?
Flo: fine......let's see, nice paragraphs, nice sentence structure...oh no i'm done.
Daryl: what?
Flo: here where it says he only mates with gingers cos he thinks their blood is red cos of their hair yeah see i deal in reality, i deal in cash, i don't do fantasy.

* Flo: do you have big feet?
Daryl: get in line with the rest of the ladies, lady. but you're cooler than me.
Flo: why do you say that?
Daryl: you got those different-colored Chuck Taylors, i wish they had those in my size.


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: going straight back to Jack. In The Box. for the Quad Bonus Jack. i think i have the fortitude now to tackle this burger. 4 patties i know but my mouth is big enough cos the dentist unhinged my jaw for those 4 root canals. with Bigfoot got my back we WILL defeat the bodacious metal Menutaur in the Mad Max desert!!!

Wednesday, March 25, 2020


Warren waits at Epping Forest shaking her head:

Warren: where is everybody? what happened to this glidepath we were on? all i've seen all day the past few weeks are a couple of fairies and it's not what you think. fairies with wings cos they crush Red Bull cans on their tiny foreheads.

the Tokyo Delegation joins her:

Tokyo: nothing to do anymore...had my whole summer scheduled have NO fucking idea what i'm gon do...endless nameless...

Tokyo lights a gigantic cigarette with the idle Olympic Flame and stuffs it down its gob.

Tokyo: the logistics of this are gonna become illogical. why did Spock have to die? this is the first time we've done this in peacetime.

Warren: oh i love how you say schedule. but this is wartime...

President Bump: HA! HA HA!! HA HA HA!!! you don gon did it now!

Bernie: what are you psychotic-break stream-of-consciousing on about now?

Bump: Bern, they say we're poles apart but actually you and i are the same: you are simply the Left version of me.

Bernie: i'm listening...with my heart...

Bump: you do this one thing for me and i guarantee you'll win reelection, you won the last time but it was rigged against you. YOU have to do this, see. i can't.

Bernie opens up the Defense Production Act and immediately an infinity of masks get made out of Versace dresses. Versace is still alive. an eternal supply of ventilators are constructed from Data's body parts cos Data just one day out of the blue decides to leave the set cos he just doesn't want to be a part of Picard anymore...

Data smokes a cigarette and turns around to see Patrick Stewart's bald head above some hedges. Data opens up his eye and squeezes, lemonade comes out of Data's eye and shoots line-drive right into Patrick Stewart's eye:

Patrick Stewart: AHHHHHH, it's sour!!!

Bernie: i do this not for YOU but for country.

there's a long line snaking around corners of the big New York box stores. every number of street and avenue. longer than a Walmart line. people of every shade color stripe and creed.

Bernie takes each person, elbumps them, puts each on his lap, pulls down their pants, and inspects their asshole to see if it's clean.

Bernie: sorry, folks, i know, it's uncomfortable, but it must be done. Christmas will come soon for all of us. just think of me as Santa. NO MORE TOILET PAPER FOR THE 1%! everyone who has EXTRA toilet paper, mail it back to me!!! now!!!

Rubikon: excuse me, sir, i'd like to shake your hand...

Bernie: no.

Rubikon: sir are you doing your part to help the American economy?

Bernie: by dying?

Bump: right? i mean i am in Heaven now. i can do ANYTHING! no really this time! people are BEGGING me to close the borders! nobody is gonna go outside to vote in your damn Dem primaries, hahahahahah! i've officially canceled the Election. over corona concerns. i win reelection cos i'm a Wartime President, gotta keep continuity.

on a remote South Pacific Fiji Seychelles island, Evangeline Lilly opens her beautiful eyes to discover she has been stranded here with no one else and water on all sides.

Evangeline Lilly: AGAIN!!! *she pulls her hair out but it all lands perfectly into shampooed place again*

Daniel Dae Kim: i'm here, too.

Evangeline: oh, didn't see you there, Sunny. get it?

DDK: not cool, poisonous white hibiscus. we talked about this.

Evangeline: why was i put here?

DDK: you're a danger to humanity.

Evangeline: i awoke with this silver sword stuck dangerously close to me in the soil. it might as well have plunged in my soul. i'm scared. hey, is that a G carved in the blade or a C?

DDK: come on, i don't even have glasses, lady. what more do i have to do to prove to the world i'm not a mathlete. i'm handsome, buff, muscular. i have those dreamy eyes which make cats swoon. and yet i'm STILL seen as one thing. no i can't help you with the virus, stranger.

Daniel Dae and Evangeline spend the night together. trudging up steep incline dark-green hillsides together. till they reach the other side and see what's there:

millions and millions of the Chinese Delegation are there...

Alex on Jeopardy: anyone want a Norwegian Breakaway? so folks, i always loved it when contestants would shake hands after a hardfought game, that gave me such joy as i battle this illness. not the one you're battling. i especially loved it when the 3rd person would make the effort to extend their hand ALL the way over to the 1st person to shake hands. now there's no more handshaking in human civilization ever again. i would with my elbows but my elbows are sharp. do i sound convincing? do i sound like Alex? i'm really a android if you will...taken out of storage just in name is Watson...

Doryce throws a comal into the window of the Orchid Girls office shattering it JUST AS the Girls throw Charli D'Amelio out that same window banning her permanently from their cause.

Gladyce: i hope this isn't my gift after so long, what are you trying to say? which one is it. are my tits or my ass the tortillas.

Doryce: i just love tortillas.

Gladyce: great it's my face, isn't it. i got tortilla pimples. at my age! speaking of, take a look at the printer over there, i've left you a gift.

Doryce takes one look, runs to the other side of the room in the corner, Gladyce sprints to the other corner, and they both race to each other and collapse in each other's arms. kissing. hugging. licking. and touching the other's buttock as they bow to each other.

on the glass of the printer is a piece of paper with a pencil etching of Doryce's butt.

Gladyce: i drew it from memory. all the dimensions of your bottom perfectly detailed and geometrically aligned. only a soul mate could do that with another's ass blind!

Doryce: let's get out of here, i want to love you. i parked outside. on that cloud. i tried to get validation but Fuerza hasn't been around these last couple of months...

the duo ride Doryce's broom back home to The Treehouse:

Doryce: all this white on my face is making me thirsty.

Gladyce: just clouds, dear. you're always thirsty. that reminds me, did you remember to do what i reminded you?

Doryce: ah yes, the trick with the milk.

Gladyce: right. i came up with it cos you're such a cereal-eater. when the milk is one week past its due-date you can still use it! just use it only for your cereal, not to drink whole. you don't drink the milk when you're done eating the cereal, right?

Doryce: you know me too well, dear. i can't, i have ice cubes all up in my grill...

Gladyce: your beeper is blowin' up! your vagina button. your little box. let me guess. what's your new nickname for Bama?

Doryce: Bawcock

Gladyce: of course it is.

the two crones smile simultaneously.

Joe Pera on stage: more and more as these times develop and increase, people will look to their childhood grocery store for identity.

Country Girl Jo Firestone: SEE? told ya. they all laughed when i moved to Minnesota and became a survivalist. which is an odd thing for a New York City standup to do...

Jodie Whittaker: WOMAD. it's not what you think. it's world music, not universe music.

Capaldi: yeah, Peter Gabriel has one of the most unique voices in history. you instantly know it's him even if it's on mute. you can sense the worldly wordiness of his vibe vibration verbiage, his eardrums are African drums. yeah i played him in a Lifetime movie.

Jodie: so how are you doing, Pete? haven't seen you around lately.

Capaldi: C...

Jodie: for Cookie? for Capaldi? don't believe the hype, we doctors are here to dispel myths, men and women get it the same, and besides we are neither.

Madame Pons: we need litter!!! cat litter is an essential foodstuff! it's necessary on the supply run! cat litter is the cat familiars' toilet paper!!!

Henry on stage, redfaced: you're embarrassing me, mom! i mean lover. can i go now?

Madame Pons: oh sorry. my lips are zipped. i'm so proud of you, honey. that's my boy up there.

Henry gives his oral dissertation which is 100% of his PhD grade and future. learning all the techniques he learned from Pons his speech is utterly perfect in tone and diction. but no one can hear it...he can't talk loud to save his life...his stress is completely gone, he is relaxed not like a bat right now. Henry is not nervous anymore, not the new kid anymore, the stage is not too big for him anymore, not jittery, no stage-fright...and failing...

Michael Weiss on stage: The University of Paris's shield is WAY COOLER than Princeton's shield! i'm scared of Princeton's shield, it looks like an angry mustachioed cop chasing after me for something i will do in the future. U of P's shield looks like a Monty Python hand cloud. i'm outta here forever!!!...…...oh. what? you say i have one more speech to speech?...well okay then...

Codrus drives his Chevy down the Vegas strip with Cotard locked in the trunk Cotard's hair whipping in the uncontrollable wind. Codrus wears a Black Death Bubonic Plague owl mask.

Dirg: can i borrow your cosplay? Comic Con is canceled!!! that was the last straw!!! they won't get away with this!!! Disneyland i can stomach but not MY lifeline! i need to find my wife at the con MDE messageboards! anyone know who Sam Hyde is going as this year?

Cotard: slow down, brother, you're uncontrollable. i would think the Lancer would be more your speed.

Dirg: Codrus, before i go, can you give me one man-nod to Jesus on your way out?...

the two deities stop at Monk Bar and take the load of the world off:

Cotard: did you lose the monastery sword again, brother?

Codrus: whoa she's hot! eh, whoops. that C carved on there is for Codrus.

Cotard: no it is not.

Codrus: you know why it's grey? it was made from apricot kernels which rotted over time. apricot pits are more deadly than Hell pits. talk about choking on the sword.

Cotard: but not as deadly as your armpits.

Madame Pons: oh, apricot oil is an essential oil! let me turn out billions of bottles for you at my lush LUSH factory. so i can sell it cheap. as in free to the people.

Codrus: heehee, this thing is turning billions of people into atheists.

Cotard: no, it's turning billions of people into good human beings for the first time.

at the Wikipedia Convention on stage, Dirg has commandeered the mic:

Dirg: the gifs make facebook unbearable!!! and another thing...i HATE when women nowadays make every word in the English language that starts with man- into their own, they commandeer it and rebrand it to fit their creed. sorry Fems, manifest is a word, womanifest isn't.

Takahashi: okay that's enough thank you. sorry, folks, i wish i could but the doctor says he's normal. you forgot just how boring side-scrolling arcade cabinet games were, huh. *audience laughs*. what's this thing where you narrate anime episode reviews over the FPS video game you're playing as your youtube video? i mean i just don't get it *crowd laughs*

Steven Universe: i've become impossible. you can't just not like David Bowie cos your dad did. did you notice the tree to Greg's house? it's the same tree as the Simpsons tree. i have a lot of mental problems. it all started when i just couldn't get over Cookie Cat...

Dirg: bye, man, i gotta do one more thing.

Takahashi: hey man, don't be tight. what's the matter? look, nobody saw you up there. i just can't take you anywhere, that's all. it's a good thing i didn't invite you to the Wikipedia Science Convention.

Dirg: there's a science convention? a science con? what for? what's the point of a science convention?

Rubikon: thank you to Takahashi as you'll see in a moment.

Rubikon wheels out a draped-over picture frame. the entire university gasps.

Rubikon: Taka has been kind enough to lend his considerable artistic talents as he drew the cover of the video game that all of this is. that's right, folks, this ENTIRE year-long Iranian invasion was a test case, a video-game played in the real world. the numbers got so large we stopped counting and they broke the screen. of your tvs. everywhere you looked the headlines read IRANIANS BLOW UP ANOTHER COUNTRY or NYC IS NO MORE or WORLD WAR 3 ALREADY HAPPENED THIS IS WWIV or IRAN HAS BEAT CHRISTIANITY WITH ITS LOGIC. this was all a canary in the coalmine.

Rubikon unveils it. it's a grey box of a video-game box like the old Nintendo Entertainment System games used to be in. but instead of Rush N Attack it's Iranian Attack. tho the artwork is quite similar.

the college gasps.

Rubikon: see? i will never lead you astray, folks. won't fake anything. i'll give reality to you straight, even when it's not reality. especially when it's not reality. we can all calm down now. and we will win. don't forget about it all. my running mate, not my running joke, is Alphonso from that Dovato commercial. i can't think of a more sterling example of a human being, who represents the kind of people who will be voting for me, hopefully. he gives us hope, AIDS can be beat now.

ESPN First Take:

Molly: do we still get paid for coming to work as usual everyday and discussing Tom Brady for the next six months? Greeny? what are you doing here? don't you have your own show? it's getting crowded up in here with 4. WHY are you now a part of us!?

Mike Greenberg: you're never around. i'm always around. ...wait...i thought you were Kim Kardashian. i was so looking forward to your take on that Taylor Swift deepfake.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: you know.

Eye: Career Opportunities and go. and Senor John Hughes is kind enough to join us from his tower.

John Hughes: i take out Dominos pizza. pizza from IHOP now that they curbstomp i mean curbside. yeah i'm distancing myself from this film like we all should socially now. i didn't have the usual creative controls i had with my other films. i'm not saying i'm embarrassed by it but...

Jennifer Connelly: the vibrating horsie. yeah bad, promoted gambling.

Dirg: are you real, Jennifer Connelly? like you can't be real. you're too perfect. you were everyone's first cum. every alien's dream. when they get to our shores. every furry's first fantasy fuck. it's impossible for a girl of your young age to already have a hourglass figure, perfect butt, and insanely huge tits. were you made in a lab? your eyes are diamonds. literal diamonds.

Madame Pons: what porcelain do you use for your skin?

Jennifer: you should live the New York life sometime, boy, as much as you despise it.

Dirg: yes, my queen. yes of course you're from New York, that's why i can't have you.

Frank Whaley: i disagree with the director. i thought this was a cool little film, it's different from his other ones. hi, i'm Everyman. that talkative dork in the corner with the wry sense of humor you always ignored in school. my name is Frank Whaley cos my mouth looks like it was strung up by a fishing pole.

Dirg: you're an attractive man, you got that Muppet-mouth thing going on.

Laertus: okay okay of course we need to talk about intimacy. this is an intimate movie. right? it's the ultimate two lovers in a confined space living the dream. every poor nerd's dream to be with the unattainable rich babe with boobs. the excitement of being locked in a Target together for a night, the possibilities abound. even in a Big Box store like Target it's intimate. this was back in the days when nobody thought to make Target French.

Dirg: and look, Honey Pot is selling at that Target back then, see? no problem, a honeypot at Target, not controversial. why didn't you kiss Jim's stomped hands when you two were hiding from the robbers in that change room, Jennifer?......Jennifer?...

Laertus: the theme cuts deep. and hard. this theme of the working-class lifestyle in middle America. of course back then these working-class folk were all for the Dems. there is a painful realization even back then of the adult who still lives at home...and being okay with that...not wanting to strive for more. clearly Jim is smart, he could be a genius if he applied himself and went away to Princeton...but he's comfortable...too comfortable...until a girl challenges him...

Dirg: yes i am interested in this.

Frank: don't call me by my name badge, call me Jim Dodge. ironically i DON'T wanna get out of Dodge.

Laertus: the subsonic tummy bump, that's your new favorite word for sex, right, Dirg?

Eye: i'm sorry, i got this wrong. when Jim is talking about a great set of pectorals, i thought he was referring to Jennifer. but it's HIS pecs he's talking about, my mistake. Jennifer's body. yum. you know i can't watch this film with the original music, as cool '80s as it is. i always just start humming "Sunset" by The Midnight.

Laertus: "Space Age Love Song", underrated. Flock of Seagulls's best song, just gotta get past the hair. oh man when cassettes were in those long white traintracks.

Dirg: i've memorized that Target fast-food menu. i want that menu sign over my bed as a ceiling mirror. i want to play tiny drums, might get an Oscar. you see how Jim was wearing that wedding veil as he roller-skated? he's projecting, signaling to any girl that sees it he wants to settle down and get married. which is not the wild chick Josie.

Doryce: EGGS! no wait, those were L'eggs, sorry.

Dirg: they should have swum in those fish tanks after kissing. the real Little Mermaid Live. gross Jim's description of getting balls shoved down his throat as a gangland tactic. Dermot Mulroney in an early role...i have no feeling about Dermot Mulroney, he's a complete cipher to me. besides, those two robbers were COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY to the story, they just weighed it down with nothingness. tho that was funny when they threw the disembodied panties model stump into the trunk.

Eye: Jennifer Connelly has that bewildered look of enchantment when she purses her lips. Josie's father is a staunch Republican so i guess that was perfect casting. the Northern Exposure guy! he got a nice landing spot when his audition for Fargo failed. and of course John Candy, why didn't Jim just leave the interview when he was ahead? he would have owned Josie's father's mansion by now.

Dirg: i want to be kissed by my boss's daughter. if i ever become friends with my boss...

Laertus: the prevalent emotion here is not nostalgia but rather escape again, the fantasy of escaping your trap surroundings for a better place where you'll be fulfilled. Hollywood of course. but there's also the Midwest sensibility that i gravitated to here. that sense of a working-class boy's delvings into his imagination to imagine he's king of the world. Jim talks about eating spaghetti with a princess on a plane.

Eye: live your dream, Jim!, the Senate is burning the midnight oil like the old days! i'd eat Grace Kelly's spaghetti.

Laertus: i can relate to this, the burning need to create stories for yourself. oh yeah, those three neighborhood kids were completely useless, too.

Eye: they never did have that coffee, but those two make a cute couple tho. i mean it's pretty harsh, right? the WORST thing you could ever be called is a LIAR! the TOWN LIAR!!! for shame! be a gangland murderer instead.

Brian Williams: this was painful for me. i watched this film and i'm in pain. i give this film a perfect score of 5 stars. i miss Chris Matthews.

Eye: dip your chicken leg in peanut butter, that's one to add to your menu, Dirg. g'night, folks.

Eye and Laertus kiss goodnight in front of Dirg, which pisses off a disgruntled-faced Dirg.

Dirg is behind the wheel of a van spraypainted purple and with the unicorn from the film Onward, tapping the steering wheel with his sweater-half-gloved fingers and jangling the keys of his mind.

Dirg: where is all the Barbi Bikini/Thrilla Gorilla furry porn and hentai?

Takahashi: what did you do to my van?

Dirg: we gotta support Onward during this very difficult time for them. mark my words, that Onward keychain minivan with the purple and the unicorn spraypaint they use to promote McDonald's Happy Meals WILL become a collectible! that's the raddest car ever invented! let's get out of here, you and me. i dunno. i was terrified of living at home as a kidult. cos i was terrified of my father. but then i come here to college and my dorm room is so empty and barren and lonely. i feel stircrazy and camped, i need to get the fuck out of here and explore!!!

Takahashi: *staring at his watch* can't. Newsom is our governor. and he's awesome. whoa, that green virus symbol on Instagram, the coronavirus was with us the whole time, we just never noticed it. spooky.

Newsom: i'm Newsom. i'm Awesome Newsom. want some? i could have been an actor, but i went into politics. i coulda been Brad Pitt. but instead i'm working for YOU. California is my country. and we're staying put for the next five months. nobody's got the key to the lockdown but me.

Dirg: but then i got scared other places. i got scared when i went to the Princeton gym to work out. so many Braci Sie Nie Traci tattoos on the ankles of those burly men from East Europe teasing me with all their weight, i got scared of those men and ran away. here. what is your dream?

Takahashi: i need to play and beat and see the ending of every single title, every single game that was ever made for the NES Graybox.

Dirg: let me drive you to my place. so i can pick up a few clothes. be sure to bow to the Jesus oil painting on my ceiling mirror. ROAD TRIP!!

Michael Weiss on stage, walking around the whole stage: folks, people, let me leave you with this, until we meet again. Instagram ultimately is...the exchange of ideas...

Pat and Julia Ioffe are listening intently to Michael in the darkened audience. Pat is waiting.

Julia: see that man up there? that man is my boyfriend.

Pat looks down. Julia rams Pat's chin up with her fist so he has to look at her eyes which twinkle in the black.

Pat: let's get out of here. live in my cramped dorm room forever. with me. i promise i won't bother you. i won't say a word to you. you can be a domestic goddess if you tried hard enough.

Julia: the reason i'm such a good spy is every space i leave gets immediately fumigated. look at me. this won't be forgotten. even if it seems it will be forgotten. and in ten years...twenty years......well, thirty years...…...we'll find each other...


Pat gets up on stage.

Pat: my beloved Casio watch. i had it with me. at all times. all through my high school trials and tribulations. and there were many of those. i cut off the watch's armband after a bully tried to choke me with it. but i saved the watch. which was just the clockface now. i kept this face on my nightstand to keep me company, to have a friendly face to talk to when i entered scary unknown college. and despite everything i and it had been through, it kept perfect time. it kept perfect time for four more years...until one day mid-semester when it stopped...…...

Pat is crying. he is bawling his eyes out. all he sees through the watery lens of his tears is Julia's assuring wavy face. she smiles and motions for him to look down at his feet.

Pat looks down. it's not a trick of the eye. or his eyes. his bare feet are hovering an inch above the stage floor.

silence. if there's clapping Pat can't hear it. nor Julia. Pat looks back at Julia in the crowd. Julia is smiling. but more importantly, Pat is smiling.

Monday, March 23, 2020


Joe Pera: these are sugar nips.
Princess Leia: no, they're the scissors used to make my hair into cinnabon buns...
Joe Pera: you're my mother. my show never says who my parents were...
Princess Leia: Sugar Nips was my nickname in space high school...

1. who are you really? Socrates...

2. are you better at starting or destroying relationships? why do you think this?

it's the age-old question. how long before you ghost yourself? it's the question even Trent Reznor had to confront: ultimately---Trent wrestled with himself---was he better at CREATING or DESTROYING? Trent found that after he razed the hotel room of his mind, he really wanted to replace the mess in that space with a rad song he composed.

as for me, i follow the will of my Lord and Savior...…...that Destroyer God from Dragon Ball who looks like a purple chihuahua...

3. what is the biggest doubt you have? do we really have independent thoughts? what is a thought? or is it all controlled in the Seychelles by Monsanto Corporation.

4. tell us the name of 3 best programmes on tv or movie that you have watched since being sidelined due to the rona lockdown/quarantine:

Years and Years, seemed appropriate

i finally saw the first episode of Sanford & Son, "Crossed Swords". brilliant writing. but it was so surreal, i had one of those displacing Berenstain Bears Experiences where you think something's so but it wasn't the whole time. like, i always thought the crochety old man was mean to his son and berated him constantly and made him feel small all the time. but actually it's the SON who is beleaguered and put-upon and tired and broken-down and worldweary and weary of his good-for-nothing forgetful and wobbly old man of a father Redd Foxx. i completely misremembered that dynamic. the son is at his wits' end cos he thinks his pops is holding him back from ever marrying and escaping the ghetto. and the old man actually comes off as sweet and adorable and loveable and doddery and bumbling-but-means-well. family, right?

and The Invisible Man just cos it's cool to see this film that should now be in theatres at home. that's the wave of the future: brand-new films when they come out will simply skip the theatres and go right into your little Netflix box at home. all film theatres will be razed and replaced with drive-thru Starbuckses. for your buttockses. but there'll still be grindhouses cos popcorn still has to be made somewhere...

5. what product do you think the world could do without? the internet

BONUS: if you died today, how would you be remembered?

as that kid who wrote a lot of stuff...…...but there was still that one story he didn't get a chance to write...


Friday, March 20, 2020



* the Gecko: do you know why i always have such a calm disarming pleasant demeanor and soothing voice?
woman: are you British?
Gecko: no it's cos i'm an animal. we'll survive this, you humans are fucked.

* Gecko: i saw you move in...
woman: oh how nice!
Gecko: yeah i've been watching you through my telescope for days now. that moving truck was never seen again after it left your house.
woman: how were you able to call us?
Gecko: your address is your phone number...

* Gecko: made you some homemade biscuits! don't worry, they're not my droppings.

* woman: they're so small and cute!
Gecko: and kawaii?
woman: not cool.
man: what are these? pigeon pellets?
Gecko: cut that fro, fruit!
man: what?
Gecko: i mean...don't be a hog, man! don't eat all the biscuits in one gulp! you know how long i slaved over a hot stove to bring those to you!
man: it's a small batch yet still my entire mouth is so full i can't be understood and mumble when i talk cos my mouth is full.

* man: nutmeg?
Gecko: don't tempt me, i can nut you when you're sleeping.
man: cinnamon?
Gecko: cinnamon isn't a real spice, it's just brown sugar. don't dishonor Mom like this.
man: hey! Mom told me about you! where have you been! the family needed you! Mom told me YOUR REAL NAME!!!
Gecko: no, don't!!!
man: it's Arizona.
Gecko: HOW DARE YOU!!! i would NEVER be associated with that state!!!
man: Mom told me how you were born. you notice how you're the size of a cock? you were meant to be my cock but you turned green and fell off.

* Gecko: i'll come back for the plate.
man: i ate the plate...


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: there are only drive-thrus where i live now in the dusty Mad Max apocalypse. soon these drive-thrus will only carry tests, not burgers. so i venture on and volunteer for their Triple Bonus Jack. i would have done the Quad Bonus Jack but i ain't selfish. and besides, to get the Quad you have to defeat the Menutaur in the desert which i lost...

Wednesday, March 18, 2020


Sanders: so what do we do?

Rubikon: i know how to stop this. this is obviously an Iranian plot. see how much damage they did with just one biological weapon? untold millions. and the world went haywire. it sucks when the enemy is invisible like this, the unseen enemy...

Laertus: man...

Rubikon: the first thing we need to do to combat this is you drop out of the race...

Sanders: very funny, nice try, young buck. see? i know how to speak to young people...

Rubikon: no to collectivize. to accumulate. assets and asses. *to the drone camera* to all you Sanders supporters, i support you. *Rubikon winks at the drone*

Sanders: hey what's with the wink, wise guy!

Rubikon: no that's my corona handshake.

Dirg: i mean what the fuck is going on. in this fucked world. Singapore, the Koreas, China, these countries have nipped it in the bud. Japan already had the virus and is done with it, Dr. Mario was able to create it, replicate it, and treat it in his lab. working in concert with the King of Israel. this is the time for stereotypes, i don't care. i'm moving to these countries NOW where the smart people are!

Eye Luggage: if all else fails you can move to Antarctica with Cardi B.

Rubikon: so are you willing to do this, pops? for creed and country? i promise they'll be a B&J cone waiting for you on the other side...

Bernie: *with hands waving down* i'm too old for blowjobs, son, but okay let's do it.

*while they wait in the waiting room* Dirg: yeah that Humphry Slocombe. no thank you, none of that ice cream ever for me again thanks, that stuff is made by sheltered gays, they don't know life on the street.

Laertus: um i think you mean gays who are Sheltering In Place right now. they live life crooked on the street of them all. want me to call Pedro for you?

Dirg: no anything but that!

Bernie is wheeled out still on the operating table after his operation.

Rubikon: prognosis, doc.

Bernie: that Biden bitch gave this to me!!! you did this to me, Uncle Joe!!! i KNEW i should have worn gloves!!! huh? i'm alive still? is it over? what happened? i volunteered to get the experimental corona vaccine shot into me like hot Old West lead. did it work?

Jodie Whittaker: i'm afraid i've got some bad news. the vaccine didn't work. on the bright side, we DID implant the first ever cyberheart into a human's chest. and it seems to be working. titanium steel borrowed from navy hospitals. air pumps requiring no wires, just holograms. and of course it automatically adjusts for Daylight Saving, no apostrophe s. you won't have that little niggling problem on your schedule anymore, Sandman.

Bernie: ALLELUIA! oh i love how you say schedule...

Alex Trebek is consoling Pat Sajak. which is weird and twisted.

Pat: i can't go on, Alex.

Alex: there there, it'll be okay.

Pat: it's just...i know Jeopardy is not that kind of show, but...can you help me give away all these cruises? we'll be bankrupt within the week. what's with your voice, it's so gruff and hoarse.

Alex: what? oh why yes, well i'm training to be a cartoon horse. a mean one, maybe that'll attract the likes of one very specific sparkly red-bedazzled cartoon vixen.

Pat: you want to fuck Lex Luthor?

Alex: Jessica Rabbit! Jessica Rabbit you piece of shit! the least you could do for me is shop for my medicines in the mornings during these times!

Doryce is shopping for Gladyce at The Store. her smartphone is glued to her ear. talking away endlessly to her lost love.

Doryce: i miss you so much,  dear. you're the older one, right?

Gladyce: *from the office* soon. i keep telling you, that pan you used to fry the hot dog and buns, it's gonna have that beef smell attached to any food you EVER cook on that thing again! beef eggs, beef spaghetti...

Doryce: yum. not necessarily the food part, the weinie and buns. i love the smell of beef.

Gladyce: how's it look over there?

Doryce: the shelves are CLEARED OUT, completely cleared out! nothing left, NOTHING!!! not a one. do you like rice? cos you ain't attaching your lips to any form of spaghetti or pasta again! no more eggs!

Gladyce: but i eat my eggs, not insert them like you do. i wanted to roleplay Spaghetti Mommy and Spaghetti Daddy with you in bed. anything that IS there?

Doryce: just a lot of stockpile nobody in town seems interested in, tons and tons of kids' soups. i can bring you home to the Treehouse a whole haul of cans of Frozen II Campbell's...

Gladyce: no i'm not a gazpacho girl, i don't like frozen soup. do your best, dear *click*

Gladyce continues with Orchid Girls Hannah Jewell, Pavlina Osta, Megan Koester, and Irlene Mandrell at the Orchid Office:

Gladyce: IRL! so it's a bitch, right, ladies? i mean i'm cooking the bacon on this large stoneware plate that's seen better days---like it's from the original Stone Age---ready to crack and never distributes the heat properly evenly. so with my feeble hands i have to turn over this mammoth of a plate that is so fucking hot it's literally burning the skin off my bones hot, the cold water doesn't cold it near fast enough to avoid scalding third-degree burns. all so you don't have to wash a skillet. i always like to match the color of the chip-clip with the color of the contents of the bag, i.e. grey clip for the bag of grey Hershey's nuggets……...oh dear, i thought i was talking to my Dory, i need to call Doryce and tell her what i just told you...

Pat at the dorms: i've brought the Cronulla Cronuts!!! hello?

Doryce: *on her phone* deleting your history is like washing your hands...

Gladyce: is it the flu?

Doryce: nah it's just poo. i love poo. i fill the garbage disposal hole with tons of ice cubes, in an hour it's sparkly clean n fresh!

Gladyce: just do that with your teeth...

Dirg: i hate when wikipedia gives amusement parks a bad rap. the FIRST thing you see in bold on their wiki page is all their incidents, accidents, and deaths...

Takahashi: *on the anime boards* what?

Dirg: guest pass?

Takahashi: pass. nowadays Wikipedia editors are like Hollywood stars, you know their names. rollbar also means anti-rollbar.

Molly on First Take:

Molly: no risk it no biscuit. what the FUCK are we gonna talk about on this network for SIX months of NO SPORTS!!!

Stephen A: tons and tons of bowling repeats...

Max: did you hear about Brady? Tom Brady went to another team, the medical team on the front lines. he's gone back to school to train to become a nurse. either here at Princeton or at Obec. we're on a war footing, remember?

Stephen A: the carolina panthers have moved to Florida where it's hotter...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh just how we finally now know the identity of Bayou Billy's secret girlfriend Eve. we can put a face to that pixilated ball. oh and talk about fortunetellers! Eve's Bayou predicted all this mess: all those kids were already at home out of school permanently in quarantine!

Laertus: commercials aren't funny anymore. those innocent Lysol flu commercials are not funny anymore...

Dirg: not to mention those insufferable Charmin Toilet Paper bears. Berenstain Bears wannabes. i read that correctly.

Warren is outside at night on the Princeton sorority leafy-brown grounds with Xezbeth her demon familiar:

Warren: we have a similar name. i mean triptychs get a bad rap, they're innocent. look, folks, you know this as well as i do: trifolds are ONLY used in science fairs. you never see this tri-cardboard ANYWHERE else in the world! first student of mine to magic-marker on their trifold the vaccine gets an A...okay, A Plus. i promise. a pinkie's-up emoji on your tablet. my spellcasting pinkie may be gloved now but it still works the future. the happy yellow man ball wearing the surgical mask is now the most popular emoji on the gram. admit it, you like the jerky manner in which i talk...

Codrus: YOU HAD ONE JOB!!!

Cotard: you had Job 1: 13-22. it's weird that blue is the color of Mary cos we normally associate blue with boys.

Codrus: oh, that's good, brother, more talks with Mary and less with Mother.

Madame Pons: i'll be joining you on the podcast today. they said shelter in place. and for some reason when people think of this film's main girl they think of me. i don't see it...but maybe it's cos i'm too in it. oh at LUSH we're stepping up the war effort, too. in high heels. my place has become a factory for turning all bath bombs into real bombs. the leftover liquid from making the soap in those ominous ovens will become liquid...hand sanitizer. we put it all in a cute little war-rations beige hardtack box with a pink bow on top. all my shelves are CLEARED. for nervous people to slide in there and hide...

Laertus: let's not shun anyone, people, let's not turn anyone away. testing positive, you know what that sounds like. let's not let this be the new AIDS. unless it means the same doctor who cracked the AIDS code for that vaccine does this vaccine, too. want me to call Pedro?

Yellow Ranger: did you see our episode this week?

Laertus: sure did, we FINALLY got REAL acting on your show! no offense. the guy who played the artiste with the French accent and beret, displaying GENUINE SKILLS on screen there.

Dirg: that's the mechanic. and Teuila Blakely! we FINALLY get to see her in something OTHER than her work uniform! she's in some nice tight jogging clothes, hey kids, always continue with your jogging outfit during these times, need to boost your immune system. sweat suit. show me how it sweat, girl. i always knew Teuila was a fatbottomed girl, KNEW IT.

Eye: i mean that was ridiculous. what mother would cringe at their son becoming an artist? it's like the son thought telling the mother he was an artist was akin to telling her he was gay and contagious. what shame befalls the family that has a tagger in it! soldiers don't spraypaint! it would have been better for him to be a murderer, then at least you could use the excuse of war.

Steven from Steven Universe: so...yeah. the big one. what the entire series was leading to. the culmination. the accumulation. notice how i said poo instead of shit.

Dirg: i was disappointed. when the episode title said you were going to see a doctor, i thought they meant psychiatric doctor. i thought it would be a lighthearted episode riffing on sitcom tropes cos of Growing Pains. the marriage proposal was cringey: i've tried that exact same thing with a girl, i never saw her again, she was not understanding like Connie.

Eye: you composed an original song?

Laertus: you went to the beach!?

Dirg: this lauded series that is so praised, you know what?, why not go for it and really do have Steven and Connie get married young and have a kid who can wash cars better with his peepee than Greg can wash cars with his weewee. not cool, show, Kansas is not Hollywood. and why didn't Connie's mom just insert a cyberbrain into Steven which would have deleted all those bad memories?

Steven: i'm planning to go to Steven U in the fall. no, not my name, the university run by Stephen A. i heard the A stands for asshole...

Eye: The Florida Project and go. let's get this out of the way on front street: she has a nice butt.

Dirg: the PERFECT butt.

Laertus: as perfect as this film. see, Dirg, Latvia did something good for ol' US of A.

Dirg: i can pronounce Bria's last name correctly. oh but WHY!!? WHY Drake!! it's always Drake!!! i mean this stuff only happens to the elite, if i did any of this stuff i'd be jailed. the director of this film literally picked this chick up on Instagram DM!!! are you fucking kidding me.

Laertus: this is a perfect film. there, i said it. no, it really is. can i say that? if i may be so bold, let's jump STRAIGHT to the ending. it's a perfect ending. when you sum up and analyze where this film is going, THAT is the only way this film can end. this tragic film, when the little girl is crying to the other little girl cos she realizes she'll never see her again---this girl who will probably be her only friend in life---it's over once foster care hits---what can little girls do to fight the insanity of the adult world? why, they become the little girls they were denied in life. this little brat with the toilet mouth guilty only of being the reflection of her struggling mom who's doing the best she can, is, well,  completely not at fault. she's a little kid for fuck sake, she can only be herself! can she PLEASE be herself!!! i'm begging you! she's just trying to survive and adapt to impossibly squalid conditions and life choices and luck with her mama! deep inside, scraped surface, when the show ends, when the gruff exterior sleeps, i guarantee you, she just wants to be a kid as any kid yearns to be. any pup which leaves the womb only wants to be sheltered and loved and guided by love. so with the determination of innocent youth, the girls hold each other's hands tight---the only security they know---and race into the long whirring lines at Disney World, to FINALLY experience being young, happy, and go-lucky. without a care in the world, only Disney World. what rent?

Eye: kudos to the acting coach of the little girl, she deserves an Oscar. the little gitl is so natural in this. she's more natural than leaky peanut butter.

Laertus: Oscars for EVERYONE, Oscars all around!: writer, director, cinematographer, the girl, and Bria. it's funny, when you see Bria in interviews, you realize she's basically just playing herself in this film.

Dirg: i was expecting a British accent out of my girl Bria in interviews.

Laertus: she has that shimmy to her step. she has that breathless attitude, that street cadence to her voice i love. she's not TRYING to be a bitch, she's just herself, a bitch of nature. which i love cos of course she is simply living the life of the circumstance she was raised in and is around.

Dirg: she is one of those white girls who is forever sad they weren't born a black girl. she will NEVER get another role with all those tats on her. hell she'll never get another job PERIOD with those tats! the parks won't hire her!...

Laertus: well she's got one part in the can when they decide to do it: she'll definitely play Danielle Bregoli in the Bhad Bhabie Story on Lifetime.

Dirg: she's those white girls you know, you know, the ones who call their friends bitch.

Eye: oh god, i was SO hurt when that relationship with Mela Murder ended. that was such a beautiful friendship between women. those two sisters really got each other. but they knew each other too well, they knew their tats. and it ends so sourly. what's implied here is Mela is the one who betrays Bria to the Child Feds. during that rain scene on the stairs, i cried.

Laertus: if only Scully and Mulder had come to that motel door. same. i was cresftafllen at that dissolution, women friendships in film must be cherished. it looks like the director used local actors, cos there are no actors in this film, it's all natural. surprised when i find out the director---who looks like Tony Hawk---is from New Jersey or some other lockdown state, i was certain he grew up in Kissimmee cos he knew all the local roads and bridges. the DMV road? not DMV, some other combination of three letters, that stretch of highway that is the red-light district. Seven Dwarfs Lane?

Dirg: not what you think. dwarf sex happens there. Soft Cell in the background.

Laertus: except for Willem Dafoe of course. Willem Dafoe is a PIMP, he's my favorite actor. masterly measured performance here, a lot of stuff in the cracks. this guy can play anything: a grand existential giant for Lars or a freakin' landlord here! i love the motel, too, the motel itself. the motel is its own character, the motel has a face, a face with claustrophobic eyes, bathed in purple sunsets, the symbol of the castle next to the Magic Kingdom that is the Real World Of Filth. motel mood. oh, and i love the slang here: tight used here to mean moody.

Dirg: they were very disrespectful giving the middle finger to the U.S. American Army helicopter. you won't be so cavalier when you need a test. and that was bloody disgusting sticking her bloody tampon to the glass like that. come on, Bria. but i'm sure Willem's seen worse in Hollywood...

Eye: in this world, for the kids, ice cream is the coin of the realm. for the adults, waffles are the coin of the realm...

Madame Pons: i felt so bad for Bria and her little squirt. could have helped her out, with squirts of hand sanitizer she could have sold instead, LUSH bath-bomb brand! you know i don't believe anyone is white trash, they simply are a girl i haven't helped out yet...

Dirg: no but seriously, what the HELL were those hellion kids thinking!!!? they are supposed to be street-smart kids, right? throughout the whole film they are, they easily bilk stupid seniors out of their loose change, they know how to survive in the drain ditches. so WHY would they be stupid enough to light a pillow on fire!!? damn rugrats.

Eye: this is why i'm scared of kids, they're unpredictable.

Laertus: the answer: they're kids at the end of the day. kids who've never experienced warmth. fireplace is figure.

Dirg: i mean you can't blame Bria in the end, with a butt that phat what else is she gonna do to make fast cash?

Laertus: sell cheddar? i love that one scene with Willem and the emu. you know that wasn't planned, not in the script, the director just got lucky that day that the emu were there and he captured them like a wildlife photographer. reminded me of the deer scene from Stand By Me. and then of course Willem and the grandma with her sunny tits out, sonny, by the public pool community scene. you loved that scene, right Dirg?, you're into gilf tits like that, like Nancy Pelosi's.

Dirg: barf. birds of a feather. no but what was the deal with that young man with Willem? the one moving the couch, the soda machine, and the elevator. it was never clear, like is he supposed to be the father of the little girl or something? Bria's father? he seemed lost the whole time. and the pedo. i always wonder about these people who play pedos on tv, like the ones on SVU. how do you live with yourself after you play a pedo so convincingly on screen? what do your neighbors say? do you have to move afterwards? i hope that soda machine was good, Mr. Clean, it's the last grape you'll ever squeeze.

Laertus: ultimately, you know what i LOVE about this film? everything is IMPLIED. nothing is shown. like, you don't know Bria is sleeping with all those men, it's merely implied cos of her Instagram pics. you never find out who the father is, except it's implied he's in lockup at county somewhere or something. then there's that mystery man who is Santa Claus to all the motel kids handing out toys of car parts and bolts. you don't see any actual sex. you don't see the backstage blowjobs and extra handies Bria is talking about, you don't see Bria working as a stripper on stage, it's all implied. it's implied she sleeps with random men for money, it's never shown, you only see the poor kid in the tub during it. that's good writing.

Dirg: i can't believe there's no indication of Willem Dafoe and Bria fucking! i mean in the film. how did Bria, Bria's character, earn her bread!? i mean there HAS to be, that can't just be a wholesome father-daughter bond! that really made me cry, when i was a little kid i begged my father to get those Disney Three Day Passes but they were always too expensive.

Laertus: the greatest trick this film pulls off is in the beginning, the woman whose car is spit on by the three-amigos kids, you are for sure that this woman and Bria will get into a bitchfight over it. but AMAZINGLY lo and behold those two BOND! they become friends and understanding of each other, it's beautiful! what a headfake! great writing. this masterpiece is a gem worthy of a Seven Dwarf. brutally overlooked. an intimate look at life below the poverty living...

Dirg: The Store will be littered with abandoned grocery carts soon...

Eye: this film is the sequel to Escape From Tomorrow!!! till tomorrow, g'night, folks.

Julia Ioffe finally catches up with Pat in the darkened hallway of her dorm. she lifts him by the ankle:

Pat: NO! i don't want to see my feet!

Julia: they smell like lavender i promise. come on, let's go to bed so we can talk about it. no sex, i promise.

Pat: you're too good to me. what are you thinking right now? i always want to know.

Julia: oh...i dunno...

Pat: ...him...

Michael Weiss on stage: so folks you see me wearing a mask this time as i talk i mean speak. it's not what you think, i just don't want any shoes landing on my lips again!

the crowd laughs.

Michael Weiss: no. come on, right? abstract art on Instagram? the same abstract art every week? indistinguishable from last week? and each individual entry gets its own unique set of 1000 comments? come on.

the crowd is pained.

Julia: i guess. it's automatic now. but i also think about stuff you'd like. random stuff. just living. living with you. the Rush drummer being that police psychologist's husband on SVU. Heidi Przybyla FINALLY laughing and smiling over Seinfeld salad and it is just as awkward and a little creepy as you would have expected. Obama's campaign manager subtly using that Family Ties line on MSNBC...

Pat: i want you, i need you, i can't live without you. Alex P. Keaton that beautiful bastard. of course YOU would have a secret crush on Alex P.

Julia: ladies love the tie.

Pat: what i just said...…...i mean it, from me to you.

Michael Weiss on stage: this is the perfect outbreak for this age. it's the Instagram age and the Instagram disease. the one that spreads like a virus. like a viral video. millennials didn't cause the coronapocalypse, their parents did. it's always the parents' fault...even in WWII...

as Julia speaks, each motion of her lips form syllables like subtle pinpricks on the nerve endings of Pat's toes, his toebones feel the light soothing flutter of her words. Julia raises her finger and presses down on thin air, as if writing with a pen, her letters appear all over covering Pat's foot, covering it completely so there's no skin, the words are Pat's socks, plastering it totally like a roll of stamps. words racing up and down on a fast elevator on Pat's foot. gold glowing words are Julia's spell...

Monday, March 16, 2020


...and i don't mean a pot of gold...

1. assume that in the future there will be huge leaps in human augmentation. given a scale from completely human to completely machine, how far would you choose to augment yourself with robotics? what parts would you augment and why?


Mary Elizabeth McGlynn

i've already gotten a cyberbrain cos of her. it was inserted in place of my regular brain just last week by Bender from Breakfast Club, at the local garage he works at now.

go now online (you're already here) and look up Mary's voice. listen to her voice. study her voice. it's the greatest woman voice of all time. it's smoky without smoking cigarettes, Mary is a '20s charming chanteuse. 1920s not 2020s, present life is terrible. a song siren in a Carmen Sandiego red dress who wants you to find her at the club. those classy jazz clubs where you aren't allowed to yell. now all we need is a Steven Universe/Ghost In The Shell crossover...

2. in your community, are events, school, and large gatherings forbidden or canceled due to COVID-19?

a person whom i dearly love has been stricken with this virus so i'm really sad now. i'm trying to distract myself with the fact that COVID-19 sounds like this song, i play this video on a loop to pretend i'm back in the happy times:


3. has your work schedule changed due to COVID-19 ie onsite work changed to teleworking or shortened shifts or no work at all?

i really needed to drown my sorrows so i went to a pub but they said they were closed all week for a special event...

4. what gets too much attention in the news?

the Election. let's all just vote online so we can move beyond this and get back to our lives...

5. how do you get your news? from a leprechaun

BONUS: do you celebrate St. Patrick's Day? this year how will you celebrate?

i was named after St. Patrick's Day so i try to make the effort each year. but i can't stand beer. i've never understood bitter drinks, i need my drinks sweet. since i don't have to wear green on this day this St. Patrick's i'm gonna wear my orange shirt and jump in the green Chicago River and see how that goes this year...


Friday, March 13, 2020



* it's Friday the 13th? like that matters anymore!

* adult swim: you can do a show with us but we're gonna have to call it Depend Debras, Debras Sponsored By Depends. it's the only way our largely alt-right fratboy gammon fanbase will accept it.
Three Busy Debras: what happened to that Lazlo guy?
adult swim: retired. he never wanted to do television, he wanted to be a pro surfer. but then the oceans dried up.
Three Busy Debras: you know at this point we'd take just for the Bernie Bros to give us a chance...

* this virus thing is not good for my anxiety. stay safe out there, my babies. i'm writing the same as i would under normal circumstances, except now when my family leaves i wonder. i'm like that dog who sits at the corner of the cramped apartment on the fern jar...

* it's Depend, not Depends. you're not supposed to wear two.

* Debras: we'll show you poise! we're building a Coronavirus Comedy Club by scratch by ourselves just with our six hands! we look cute in those yellow hardhats. American depends on us and this is the what America needs now!!!

* my mom had hot flashes. i felt so bad for her. i'd make sure to save all the hot water for myself so she'd get all the cold water she needed.

* woman: i got hot flashes. no it's not glamorous. it's not The Flash on The CW. it's not a Designing Women Southern belle thing that makes a woman swoon until she gets picked up---literally---by Rhett.

* woman: i'm drenched...…...Robert Pattinson spit on me trying to perfect his Batman growl...

* woman A: when i laugh...i pee a little...
woman B: me, too.
woman A: wait, you're peeing but you're not laughing...

* woman C: sex?
woman D: ...i've heard it's wonderful...
Phoenix: nah, the key is to do it early so you get it out of your system. once you're 21 nobody wants to fuck you...
Debras: WHY did we put our magic menstrual blood sweat and tears into a show---coming up with the cleverest jokes, winsome womanly wordplay that only a female mind could conceive, the way it's shaped, and physical comedy that internalizes---that will just go to waste on incel messageboards!!!?...

* Oscar The Grouch as a boy: dad...if you're not gonna have The Talk with me, can we at least have the second talk?...
Big Bird: *hand on shoulder* son you're just gonna have to wait till your mother comes home.
Oscar: mom said you were a bad fuck. to her you were more of a cluck.
Big Bird: Helen Henny does NOT know of which she speaks. she got fired cos she couldn't tell jokes. look, the answers you seek will be revealed once you replace Joy Behar...

* adult swim: why are you busy?
Debras: nope. not gonna get our number. it's unlisted. even on the internet it's unlisted.


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: going with the Chicken Burrito at Chipotle. i need to be wrapped in a blanket. an emotional-support burrito blanket. with Queso Blanco cos i need to be wrapped in light...

Wednesday, March 11, 2020


Gladyce at The Orchid with Elizabeth Pich:

Pich: i'm not a bitch. pitch me.

Gladyce: well Doryce and i of course were having the rest of the habanero jalapeno chicken, shielded from view from the rest of the cruise passengers cos we felt guilty. they were saying the virus was transmitted by putrid poultry. that Doryce, as you would expect, she only ate the tangy skin, leaving me the bulk of the bird. by then i just lost my appetite, my tongue was not tasty at all, i stared at that precious bird's eyes as he flew the coop. or in this case, the corona. in the cabin. i miss my baby.

Pich: yes i am a Warren supporter but that's just a coincidence.

Gladyce: yeah we did Collette tours. cos we thought they were run by Toni Collette. they weren't. instead they forced us to only form small groups. we said it was just the two of us and sang the song but they wanted smaller...

Dirg: the Sesame Street Humphry Slocombe ice cream is exactly how you'd expect: it's like eating Chinese food. except you ARE full afterwards. my wish was fulfilled. i got sesame seeds stuck in my root-canaled tooth, a tooth i performed a root-canal on myself, late one night in my empty dorm room cos i was bored. and it wasn't even Spring Break, it was midnight and empty.

Laertus: hey, your dad can't complain now you didn't go to a vocational college...

Dirg: my lip is still swollen. from the blowjob, not the procedure. or the chap stick. none of that godless Ben & Jerry's from Vermont!

Eye Luggage: we always find out about a celebrity's death AFTER THE FACT. about his underlying condition---the one he was lying about---all the ailments and conditions he had that he kept secret from his family and agent. why not announce it all WHILE you're still able to get help for it? that goes for fathers, too.

Takahashi: on Wikipedia---where i work now part-time---you need a portmanteau pointman who's always at his station midnight to noon on duty ready at a moment's notice to change that is to was...

Dirg: i never want to change Natalie Portman's article...

Klobuchar dons the cape. her secret identity is The Iron Ranger. she whisks and secrets away Meghan and Harry from Canada before the taxes on their protection run out. she squirrels them deep in the Minnesota snow. in the underground layer of the Iron Fortress of Solitude immune from global warming...

Fox Mulder: ...and then we take over. this is the PERFECT X-File! it's what the fans always yammer in our ear they want at cons: to go back to the past, when life was better, simpler, easier, when you could still wear capes outside. i mean think of this coronavirus thing: it's wiped out Seattle, the land of grey skies, all our early Season 1 eps had wall-to-wall blanket-to-blanket grey skies. the British Columbian woods, Victoria, are like the Seattle backwoods. THERE is where my ginger and i solve the mystery! stop it, stymie and squash the virus once and for all! with the help of Casper the Friendly Ghost who kills himself in ritual Satanic Warren sacrifice in a red circle painted on a forest clearing for the cause. Casper inhales the virus so no other human will. unfortunately he doesn't return back as a ghost this time...

Scully: you didn't mean me. Mulder takes garlic pills to ward off the virus. he will only take them with lemonade...

Scully: it turns out Prince Harry is Patient Zero to which Harry has the most memorable line when he utters, and i can relate:

fuck all. blame the gingers again. [and then he breaks the fourth wall looking directly at the camera:] 

Harry: do you want a divorce, Meghan?

Meghan: actually yes babe. it's not you, i didn't really think through this whole thing. i mean my normal trajectory back home by this time would have been Jim Carrey then Amanda Bynes.

Harry: i'm afraid the Magna Carta doesn't allow divorce...

Buttigieg: i'm her Boy Wonder.

Klobuchar: where are you going, my sidekick Boy Wonder? the fire is over here...

Buttigieg: holdup.

Buttigieg knocks on the door. to ScarJo's dungeon.

Buttigieg: is Colin home?

Colin: you're looking right at him. in makeup.

Buttigieg: *blushes* Jost, can, well...*beams wide bright Boy Wonder smile full of teeth*...can i write for the show? i always wanted to be an SNL scribe...

Colin: don't give me that aw-shucks grin! you're smarter than that, Butt...your first assignment: write a skit that makes Johnny Knoxville funny...

Laertus: why does the Cesar Award look like the Tower of Babel...

cats: meow.

Pat: hey guys! *knocks on dorm door* i brought the Caesar salad! vacuum-packed in silvery NASA packages! and also chips!

Laertus: hey buddy! nice to see you, babe. fraid you're a week late. but those chips look mighty tasty good despite being blue which normally indicates rot.

Pat: organic.

Dirg: NASA makes fun of flatearthers behind their backs. which is unfair cos all our backs are flat. let me guess, you're doing the organic thing for a girl.

Pat: not a girl. not a woman. a walking experience of exoneration in high heels.

Madame Pons: the utonagan dog breed looks like a wolf. they're my leap fur babies! they sleep in my bed in The Treehouse on the canopy so none's the wiser. except nones. remember, make sure your wolf familiars are the real thing.

at Colette Boutique, Doryce sits by her lonesome at a glass bar her ankles knee-deep in day-old blue water sloshing around the studio as she waits…..for no one in particular. staring at her watch which is really just her casting wrist. for a Turkish twist.

Doryce: water bar like The Love Boat...

Madame Pons: oh i love that place! it's the next LUSH! in fairness EVERY place is trying to be the next LUSH...

Rubikon: i've got a handle on this coronavirus thing. it's obviously the plot of the Iranians. the coronavirus caused the power to go out! all the blackouts! it's the virus seeping into the nation's infrastructure. infecting the wiring. but i will PROTECT you! Americans. ALL Americans. phew, it's a good thing i was able to scoop up all the black vote just in the nick of time by making Biden my V.P. again before he got any harebrained ideas to run himself!

Bernie: so it was explained to me that while i have a rabid fan base there's just not ENOUGH of them to win anything! i mean fuck! if i run a third time i will essentially be running as a walking skeleton. i want so BADLY to see Whitney Houston in real life! i mean i can't do this forever, i'm gonna have to pass it down to AOC who of course will take credit for everything when SHE becomes the first Female President. don't you wave that water pistol at me! that's how the virus spreads! laying the groundwork takes a bridge, it takes an infrastructure bill. i'm a writer. revolution takes time...… at least 100 years. Larry David just texted me saying he just had the biggest messiest orgasm of his life, it was so hard it shattered his glasses. look i get it i get it, no more Bernie Bros. Bernie Hos? no no i mean Bernie Girls, we'll do Bernie Girls. definitely. next time...

the ska band Casual Zipper plays on the dorm roof...

President Bump: stunt on dem hos. the Dems not the Republicans. no i don't wanna go to Olga's Kitchen! no babe has ever been named Olga!!! Ospina? deport her! from Britain to here, get her away from Simon Cowell's sweaty hairy arms! SEE!!? the virus will dissipate when summer hits, when the temps rise, the temperature, the weather, AND the climate……...uh oh, i've been watching too much Weather Channel to see if they got any new babes, shit that means global warming?......shit i just confirmed the globalist cabal...i need global warming to be a thing to end this virus...i am fucked...cold soup for me only thank you...

Madame Pons sticks her hand in Henry's mouth.

Henry: *muffled* oh great, here we go again.

Madame Pons: oh Henry, dear...

Henry: my voice is fine, madam. i can talk, you're showing me how to speak.

Pons gets her whole elbow in there:

Madame Pons: just checking for tonsil stones...don't want you contracting any magic...a puny human such as yourself couldn't handle magic like'd explode in a pile...we can't cheat the process, believe it, you'll feel such a case of accomplishment when you do this the honest way.

Henry: you're talking like you're sick.

Pons: why thank you, dear, *kisses him* i know i know. but the ibuprofen doesn't work. i just have one of those bodies, one of those constitutions, where the only thing that works on my plumbing is Vanquish. it's not like i'm drinking brandy all the time...

Dirg: how are the Honey Pot ads racist? this is about black entrepreneurship, Magic Johnson can't swoop in and save the day all the time, he's busy...with his things he does. sure we put a Target on her back, but......and i FUCKING hate the Selsun Blue guy! who does that clucky Southern-lawyer-KFC-Colonel-Sanders wannabe think he is!!? Sanders? at least audition for the role of Colonel Sanders like everyone else, don't cut in line! he gives me cluster headaches, suicide headaches. he gets under my skin, he literally gives me hives when he comes on with his particular brand of whiny screeching, they grate my sense and cause dandruff to form on my nerves...

Eye Luggage: i have suicide headaches. people thought for years i was just doing Hollow from Bleach cosplay on my face with masks...

Gladyce: i was so lonesome without my Dory at The Store i cried tears ears into the POM glass bottle shaped like a Mrs. Butterworth's bottle...

Jodie Whittaker: Happy International Whoman's Day! a Whoman of course is a female fan of Doctor Who...

Yellow Ranger: did you see our show this week?! inbetween your trips to the hospital. it was awesome! there were virtual real-life-sized video-game characters the size of humans fighting as holograms at our juicebar! i can't believe Nintendo never thought of that yet! or PlayStation for that matter! this is a cash cow. it's virtual reality...but on Earth! it's how we all get closer to seeing Whitney again...

Doryce: i'm a girl but i LOVE going poo now! it gives me another excuse to wash my hands again...

Gladyce: *at the office* so it's a bitch cooking the meat, you know? sigh. so far away the European bacon---which is just a cut of thick steak---on the plate is hot as fuck when you take it out of the microwave! the plate burns my fingers! it's impossible to remove the plastic wrapping vacuum-sucked onto the plate letting no air out! burns my fingers more! all so nobody has to ever clean the grooves of a skillet ever again!...

Cotard: nones are the atheists or the irreligious. but None is a very ancient sacred part of the Catholic monk liturgy. the Novena. Chaucer was a secret atheist...whose progeny settled in Vermont...

Dirg: that Alex Guarnaschelli is a fatbottomed girl, me likey.

Tyzik: all i'm saying is they should have let Roseanne continue on the air. it would have been a fascinating psychological case study of a character in real-time having to confront her inbred racism and the reasons for it. the answers would be complicated, they would involve childhood abuse, they would involve mental institutions. they would involve the oblivion of Utah. you would make her go there, she would have made a breakthrough live on air during their Broadway show. talk about a writer's dream!

Laertus: i'm writing THAT script, Dirg, THAT script.

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: that was some horrific violence. sawing a man's chest with a saw? before Saw!

Dirg: because of that scene i can no longer enter a Pep Boys. i'm sorry all you dykes i mean lesbians who were offended/fondled by me, i'll never play Pep Boys again.

Eye: Pep Boys? is that a thing? a sport? i would have played it in the street by now.

Dirg: you do a Pep Boys when a lesbian goes to a Pep Boys and seeks out searches for the auburn-haired woman in the aisle with the backwards baseball cap. under that cap is always a mullet. she picks this broad up, literally, lifting her off the ground, swinging her arms and legs side to side, that's the signal to take her home. they drive around the asphalt oval in the front of the store 9 times cos that's the Wicca number. then they get in the trunk and have sex.

Laertus: forgetting something, Dirg? this was your first exposure to Juneteenth. forgot about it, huh.

Dirg: i was too distracted with Bokeem Woodbine. his acting binds me in fear, with wood bamboo down my fingernails. his head is too shiny, too sheen. he's from the first place. he drinks orange juice. he's one of those ganstas that wears kid stickers on each of his cheeks.

Eye Luggage: Eve's Bayou and go.

Laertus: SO glad i finally saw this! after hearing about it for so long.

Eye: i saw this in college...when i was still a the other college...a long time ago...after my first final. in a little grindhouse theatre on the edge of campus. after hearing such good things about it. to treat myself. by myself. at night. freaked the fuck out of myself. i swore the EXIT sign said LEAVE but it said EVE. the popcorn napkins looked like ghosts in my lap. it was so windy that night i went bald. that was the night i became goth...

Laertus: fabulous script! so well-written. richly deserving of every kudo it received. studio, too. yet it still remains strangely forgotten despite being remembered forever in Congress. loved every bit of it. the slow-moving mood of it. the girl is a revelation with her performance, her acting is so natural, not a false note to be had she ever evinces, we genuinely feel her feeling throughout, each one of them, we're with her facial expressions, her crying lips, this powerhouse of a little girl sends us on an emotional journey. and the swamp, i love the Louis bayou, i love those dangling white garland trails of flowers, like slides, which fall from the moat trees, what are those things called again, honey? they would make perfect Antebellum Civil War Gone with The Wind swings!

Trent Reznor: i commute from my Nawlins mansion to the gated graveyard...

Eye: i think they're just weeping willows. not a lemon from Kasi Lemmons, in her directorial debut! SHE's a writer! i love when prodigies spring up out of nowhere from the swamp!

Laertus: this film is so good it looks like it's based on a true story. but it's not.

Dirg: sure, it's fun to see where Gambit came from. but honestly this is a dangerous DANGEROUS movie. i mean this film is about the unreliable narrator, about how we force ourselves to misremember things when our minds and imaginations are bent by trauma and can't take the pain and awkwardness, when we push bad feelings and memories down our subconscious cos it's too messy to embrace them correctly. this is the Smollett family we're talking about here! Jussie Smollett wanted to be the boy in this film but was switched at the last minute with the other Smollett brother cos the director knew Jussie would ruin the whole project with his lies! she made him try on a Mighty Duck skate instead...


Jada Pinkett: i mean i got on the horn and tried to get Tyler Perry to help Jussie. he did not return my calls. while on this same phone i looked up my ex-boyfriend lawyer at the flower shop...

Laertus: huh, well i'm happy you're at least now actively seeking out truth, Dirg. continue.

Dirg: *laughs heartily* what's the deal with Vondie Curtis-Hall as Julian Grayraven! where's my Blondie music in the background? THAT GRAY MICHAEL BOLTON HAIR!!! Grayraven, that sounds like a mental institution "hospital" in an X-Men swamp without a map! do we need a black Edward Cullen? do we need a black Fabio?

Eye: that's Kasi's husband. from Chicago Hope! i think she was playing a trick on her husband with this part. getting him back for a dare. Chicago Hope again. that show you begrudged while it competed with ER but now you've come to see was better than any of the medical dreck we get today.

Dirg: what's the deal with the voodoo witch? whiteface is acceptable now?

Eye: take it from me, i've been studying them. and around them. that isn't an offensive stereotypical bullethole, that's a black hole in her third eye!

Laertus: Lisa Nicole Carson again! see? i told you! she was HUGE in the '90s! she would have become Beyoncé if she had continued. there's still time, Notorious LNC! there's always time as long as you open your eyes the next day...

Dirg: watch yourself with that thing, boy! *laughs heartily* well at least she could have become LisaGay Hamilton.

Eye: Lynn Whitfield---the bayou's own---is so classy in this, her smile is sublime, she's like Walking Pearls.

Dirg: Lynn is the sophisticated stoic one you marry, Lisa Nicole Carson and her ass which fills the entire drawing room is the one you fuck. and who do you kill? why the man of course, the husband! and it's Samuel L Jackson this time with voodoo! i mean he has more Oscar hardware than the other dad! more noms anyway. how much talent you want to snuff out, Hollywood?

Laertus: so interesting seeing Branford Marsalis in this, he was the Marsalis we all grew up with, he was so cool as the jazz bandleader of Leno. back when Jay Leno was still new and cool. Marsalis and that goofy Dizzy Gillespie cheeks grin of his.

Dirg: when two old black men fight, it's hilarious. why can't the ganstas be less scary and more like these two geezers? make it a Cosby Show fight.

Dirg: but what's the deal with the black widow? the one where all her husbands die. like in that rain scene she's the one doing the driving, he's the one in he passenger seat, and yet somehow she survives the crash but he doesn't!? come on. do i have to get out my women drivers rant, i mean that's my DAD's rant!

Laertus: the fortuneteller blind to her own fortunes. Debbi Morgan. HAD to have won the Oscar that year, don't want to hear anything different...

Dirg: Ebert said this was the best film of that year. *laughs heartily* oh Diahann Carroll, poor dear thought she was doing a baking show. oh Meagan Good! yeah i didn't recognize her as the crazy girl. i only know Meagan Good from rap videos. you know that's a real problem in your community, the black community never wants to admit its scores and scores of mentally-ill people in it. sign of weakness, right?

Jada and Rubikon glare at Dirg in silence.

Madame Pons: or rather some Madam CJ Walker skin cream for the legend Diahann Carroll.

Dirg: Roger Guenveur Smith sounds like a Gundam. and Victoria Rowell, the director merely told her, "act like you do on the soaps. come-hither look, you want to fuck the doctor like all women do. but......more you're not on noon anymore..."

Eye: the African-American Upper Class...

Dirg: all Bernie voters. the house negroes who made it out of the house...and became stuck-up Frenchies...

Dirg finishes the rest of the review online from home at the dorms...

Dirg: i'm happy for them. misrepresentation, this is a long black Three's Company.

Eye: puberty in girls back then was like being gay in the '80s, treated like a disease that would mess you up permanently. period blood is voodoo blood.

Dirg: i mean that was pretty creepy, pretty Twilight Zone, when the oldest daughter comes back from the rain looking exactly like the mother's perm hair at the salon. don't these kids go to school? it's Creole claustrophobia. that death scene was so sad. cos it was eminently preventable. yet with each frame i felt i was back in film school again. all Samuel L Jackson had to do was hop on that train! he'd be alive today! isn't he a big action star!!? "where'd my daughter learn to breakdance?!!"

Dirg: final scene beautiful becomes an Of Mice And Men situation, the girl tells her older sister to stare at the sun while she pulls something out of her sweater-pocket: … … it's the Meg divorce papers ready for her to sign, Good is officially being disowned from the family fam, i mean this whole dang mess was her fault, dat girl REALLY needed a boyfriend...

Laertus: i love when Mozelle is explaining her life and it appears as a Broadway play in the back, and the ghost actors interact with the actors just the same in the same space. right in front of us. memory. cats. not knowing which stage is real. it's a narrative device and choice that works cos it's off-putting. it leaves the viewer wobbly, not knowing what scene is coming next. Mozelle says the most memorable lines of the film:

life. all the pain, all the heartbreak, all the loss. all the not knowing. not knowing where you're going, what it all means, it has to mean something, you have to one day join up with your dead loved ones and be like, "oh okay, so THAT was what it was all about." otherwise, if there's no point, that's just sad. 

g'night, folks.

there's a coronavirus confab happening at Princeton. in attendance are the usual luminaries of the day and age, the experts and "college people" Bump hates, all the doctors, all the sexy doctors on tv, all the scientists. the ones who trace the contagion and contacts and trace your phone number back to you to call you for a date.

Julia Ioffe: come on, guys, we gotta just do it! we gotta bear down and bare down and just do it!!! we'll get through this!

Codrus: haha, brother! this virus you caused is driving people further and further apart. they'll never come together to shake hands ever again!!! the Peace Be With You at Church is canceled. along with The Bachelor!!! no more love...

Cotard: negative. the virus YOU caused will have the opposite effect, it will make every person in this world FINALLY come to realize that we really are all in this together, we always were. we gotta pray. we gotta pray harder than we ever have before.

Codrus: haha! pathetic, brother, you and your pathetic patient prayer.

Michael Weiss on stage: Instagram, it's GOTTA be more than memes...

SUDDENLY a shoe is thrown in Michael Weiss's face. he stutters. more than usual. and is knocked off balance. his tongue tastes like the tongue of a shoe.

Pat didn't mean it. he scurries off into the auditorium shadows before anyone can get a glimpse of him. he was just trying to take off that damn shoe from his foot that was so stuck on. the hallways outside the exit are pitch black as he runs. on one foot. but Pat closes his eyes anyway, not wanting to look at his feet.

Friday, March 6, 2020



* airlines, not the dirty faucet

* not the new episode of Off The Air……...that was cruel...

* thank you, Viola Davis

* this message was NOT approved by Trump

* unfortunately this beautiful sweeping epic-romance Out Of Africa commercial about the American experience, the American election, can only be played on ONE day...

* noise now is noise not white noise or garage noise punk-rock, tweets are tweets which should never have existed, and talking heads not the band who just performed their old ditties on SNL...

* schools...let's keep schools schools...

* this looks more like Brazil...well, Brazil like last year...

* yes even airlines, we at Delta always HATED NASA...

* after the Astros, Americans will never play baseball again...

* only flight can bring us together. there is only one Purple State, and that purple state belongs to only one man, a great American who lived in a van with elevators down by the lake: Prince.

* there is only one game which will bring us together: Go. unfortunately nobody actually knows how to play Go. don't let people tell you they know how to play Go, they don't. you don't just learn Go by being the president of your junior-high anime club. a minute to learn a lifetime to master. no wait that's Othello, nevermind. play, not the play.

* Phoenix: i mastered Go. and Othello. what do i get now, sensei?
sensei: here's some gum.
Phoenix: oh. i thought you were gonna give me some wizened wisdom on how to hit on that girl over there.

* such a tough existential decision: do i keep my bottlecap so it collects dust and becomes a collector's item of candy powder, or do i use it as a checkers piece to meet my future wife?

* hey quit knocking the table around! all the pieces went sent flying! is this Nok Hockey? is this Carrom? is this Air Hockey? this is sending me back to UCLA drama camp circa 1985, when we---me and my new Indian best friends---played hooky for hockey and drank root beer floats without the ice cream at the arcade. we had to make sure to all go to the arcade bathroom together and wipe our lips of all that foam before we slipped back in again...

* Phoenix: i wanted tortillas, not flatbread.
Delta: same thing. besides, you are REALLY skinny, you need some iron pills or something. there's a GNC on our plane...

* Phoenix: hello, everyone, i've never had this many friends before. don't mind me, i'll be drinking my wine with my chopsticks all evening...

* where's my fucking tortilla!!! faster!!! OW that burned my hand!!!

* lady in red: i wish i could have been a ballerina. but UCLA drama camp kept me locked up in this tiny room with the red-light shining 24/7 so i couldn't sleep and there was no room for me to breathe and spread my wings.
UCLA in a statement: corona call......we've got the finest university lab in the country...


* not red chairs, huge wine glasses

* Dancing With The Stars has been corona-canceled...

* i'm not a dancer. i just like to wear baggy clothes and i got a kink in my leg that needs stretching. oh did i happen to run into this Indian dance class here? that is so Bollywood...

* PLEASE LESBIANS, don't fight! we need you out there! united and in loving committed relationships! make up! fuck! use strapons for the make-up sex if you have to! the Romeo & Juliet balcony is turning to stone...

* come on, sister, let's join hands and audition for Bollywood! we need a distraction from politics...

* anyone up for hedges croquet?

* Phoenix: wanna jump-rope, kid?
kid: no i'm trying to wrangle back the bull who is loose and wild destroying our city! HELP ME NOW!

* hi i'm a high-diver preparing for the four years. delta-shaped waterfall pool, nice touch.

* i'm not some thrillseeker cliffdiver. Dover was closed. my piton and rope are crucial for ringing the Liberty Bell on time! Big Ben has been renamed Big Boris.

* don't tell my mom, but i'm the Hunchback of Notre Dame. except i got a back-brace in highschool and my face cleared up...

* not a building, one giant blue Mardi Gras Mask...

* Blue Biodome, Pauly Shore still lives there. Pauly Shore has since developed psionic abilities since last we saw him, look at the blue iris round his eye, he was featured in the M83 video but got cut.

* okay, buddy, we have to do this ropeless cliffdive off this insanely high green mountain in Brazil. because it's the only green thing left in Brazil...

* Phoenix: i'm an atheist named Christian. my name is Phoenix and i'm deathly afraid to fly. wings on fire and i don't mean hot wings...

* at Delta we have already prepared for your space travel. being human you will only be allowed to use our planes for space travel. a little turbulence is normal. continue eating your mini-pretzels as you don't look outside your window to gaze at Earth cos Earth is a giant eyeball. round of applause for our special guests on board with you this flying day: Maynard and Kubrick.



happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: well OF COURSE i have to honor the woman of the hour of the year of the young decade: the girl who quit her job at Wendy's by actually jumping out the drivethru window. i mean you don't see actual defenestrations in society anymore these days. not all heroes wear capes but they do wear silly paper hats. she is a hero to millennials and boomers alike!!!

see? it don't matter if you're Christian or not, WE'RE ALL HUMANS. nobody's a lost cause.

the only thing with Wendy's they have this new bombshell breakfast slate full of great breakfast burgers that look delicious ends at 10:30. why don't ALL CHAINS follow the McDonald's model of all-day breakfast? like you think they would to compete, right? do it for 2 Chainz and 4chan.