Friday, May 29, 2020



* i need some meditation now. i need a quiet place to release. i need Joe Pera to guide me how to masturbate, that CDC guidance was too dry

* anyone else have "Present Tense" by Pearl Jam stuck in the back of their head as they watch this?...

* that's snow not a skateboard halfpipe

* you know through this whole thing i've realized i don't know any nurses on Instagram. the only nurse i know is my mom...who's not on Instagram...

* clay pot without the over-the-back sex just isn't the same. sex without pot just isn't sex. that coffee pot was thinned light-brown with water for the show but is now fully beaned and dark-brown for the lockdown...

* people like shows about people: don't tell that to Meerkat Manor. don't tell that to Fraggle Rock.

* don't give adult swim any ideas, Joe…...the next video after this is literally Joe's idea about a show that's just trees for five hours...

* an NBA game done in World Cup format...

* Old Tjikko WAS the world's oldest tree. but damn commercialized Christmas had to get in the way...

* Dave Matthews Band "Crash Into Me", anyone?

* actors are essential. actors are the MOST essential. without entertainment all we have is---gag---politics! crimes and Bigfoot would have never been solved without Unsolved Mysteries, it was the recreations which did it. i mean there are only so many Trader Joe's jobs out there

* did you know Ed Harris was the original Rosemary's baby? Elizabeth Hurley made Hugh Grant depressed. well more depressed than his usual rainy London baseline mood. Hugh took it out on his best friend Kenneth Branagh who in turn took it out on his best girl and the best thing that will ever happen to him Emma Thompson. any timeline which ends in Emma Thompson not getting the most wonderful ribald knightly charismatic honorbound Chaucerian Shakespearean character knave rapscallion full of love joy good cheer and a booming stage voice but not abuse for a suitor is not any timeline i've written!!!

* Natalie Imbruglia blocked me on Insta. if all the lights went green could we THEN have flying cars? surprisingly, most fembots are Republican. could you love someone who was trying to kill you? sure, it's called marriage.

* Waterfall Tv=Disney Plus

* Hum "Green To Me" music video, dog's-eye view

* Joe: did you know toast is bread cooked twice?...

* maple syrup toast=honeycomb toffee wothout the dalgona coffee. whenever i see a bunless hot dog from now on i'm gonna think of Wes Anderson...

* HEY JOE! nice to see your face on my screen again! last time we talked you were dealing with a foreign-exchange student from Greenland or something...?

* i've always wondered, does the horse eat the apple core, too?

* John McEnroe as the chalk line-drawer. lines provide boundary to the boundaryless. if you think hard enough on that you realize all sports are completely arbitrary. even in outdoor churches on a baseball diamond YOU CAN NEVER SING AGAIN

* a line continues forever: unless it's that black paper that was used for Batman in the '90s. Batman always chases down his man...

* and this becomes Electronic Gems...

* i have three uncles. all of them are in the Mafia. Bulbar movie=adult Babar

* i've only stayed up all night and never slept into the next day ONCE. in Sept. cos i had a stupid final in the morning at Berkeley. it's fucked me to this day, my brain chemistry got so out-of-whack i dropped out of college. the only things which separate days is a desk calendar. everything is cyclical except for humans. oh shit, i forgot for a splitsecond but i remember now: i'm gonna die...

* thermodynamics: things are irreversible and always flow. like Elaine Benes.

* the moral arc of the universe bends towards justice: Michelle/Oprah 2020...

* that friend was Sarah, Joe's country girl. ironically, Henry Kissinger never kissed anyone his whole life---there still isn't time. Google Glass was what Sherlock Holmes used...

* Monty Python's Meaning Of Life vibes. turns out Dory from Finding Nemo wasn't well-liked backstage...

* fish are existential...

* axolotl: spoiler: the fish walks in the end...

* axolotls look like hamsters who accidentally fell in the ocean

* Kafka: when a human turns into an animal it's not Kafkaesque, it's real, it's covid...

* Kafka: btw i hate the word Kafkaesque, it's a copout...

* the Sobe lizard described his own décor...

* i was debating whether to use that famous pic of wise Japanese monkeys taking a natural sauna and photoshopping Joe's head to it...

* like that The Shivering Truth fence...

* the only species that doesn't like apples are cheating teachers...

* animals go for the fermented apples to get drunk. humans couldn't leave apples well enough alone, they were God's perfect creation, they had to make it cider. then they had to make it HARD cider...

* that's what caused Jesus to leave the shepherding business and climb down the mountain...

* if you could be anywhere in the whole world where would you be?: happy.

* beer is used in Milwaukee to lubricate guns...

* all's i sayin' is Joe Pera thinks Governor Whitmer is cute...

* Owen, the Fifth Pearl Jam

* you don't need glasses for coffee...a lot of Book Depository vibes here but don't worry...nobody eats muffins anymore...well that's why you're so tired. they still need to make Abuelita for Keurig. FINISH the Sunday New York Times crossword, you can DO IT, just try, TRY, anti-intellectualism ISN'T the answer!!!

* a dog can't understand English but he can understand Shakespeare. dogs like squirrels cos they're jealous of squirrels' tails.

* bark bark

* Jesus in a car...


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: CURBSIDE!!! gonna do curbside pickup for the first time this covid nightmare, Denny's. i'm debating whether to get their succulent seasoned red potatoes, best in the diner biz. see i've already had the wedged potatoes but not the mashed potatoes. but didn't i already eat the mash cos by eating the wedged potatoes i had the mashed potatoes, too?...

Wednesday, May 27, 2020


President Bump: Colleen Coyle? huh? this doesn't make sense, she has a Southern accent but she believes in science...

Pence: sir please stop hugging me. no really.

Bump: when can you let me out of here so i can go play golf?

Pence: there are still two more people who have made fun of you today, sir. not including me. the smelly hippie from Twitter and that black woman.

Bump: *oooooh* i was doing my Stephen A Smith voice there, like my impression? i'm bad. like LL Cool J. i'm good with voices, i have a lot in my head. i'm working on. when i hosted SNL i asked Lorne if i could become a regular member of the cast. Lorne owes me greens fees. yeah i hate comedians. comediennes especially, they have a special power over me. black ones, too. blue comics are okay. cos i couldn't be a comedian in New York in the '80s when i was coming up. i wanted to be one so badly, but i was so big i couldn't fit through those cramped club doors. they all had bricks it was hard for me. Mike, imagine me, me, doing a standup routine, with the hair and the mic and everything...

Pence: glue my watery eyes shut.

Bump: i killed. literally. up on stage. i felt free up there. i could say anything, this was before Twitter. but nobody found me funny, which is ironic cos i've used this whole presidency thing as my grand standup act, my routine to end all routines, to leave em in stitches, literally. ribald and bald. if i ever go bald, Mike, kill me, right in the Oval, it'll be perfect for conspiracy theories. so this woman's best friend is Jerry Seinfeld big deal, you know i invented cereal. before people just ate toast and an orange and nothing else. orange rage it was called. she's from Jamaica? like Jamaica Queens or Jamaica the country? if it's New York i got her under my boot, i own this city. if it's the country, well, they owe us too much money before i'll stop a hurricane for them.

Pence: you still dabbing in the dark arts of hurricane-wranglin', sir?

Bump: ride em cowboy! YEEEEEE-HAAAAWWWW! did you see what i did to the SpaceX launch? that was glorious! Codrus told me i had to do it cos humans can't advance into outer space too soon, it'd be bad for the gods. the gods are getting nervous...

Pence holds out the coiled phone.

Pence: *ring ring* Twitter on line one...

Bump: you can twitter on the phone!? hello? new phone who dis?

Jack: Jack Dorsey.

Bump: Dorsal Fin!!! what up, homeslice? how's the balling of your lady? is she bald yet? last time i saw her i swear i thought she was the real Bride of Frankenstein. Coraline if she grew a pair. of eyes for buttons.

Ivanka: Jack's wife. Jack Skellington's wife. you know i was denied that part in my high-school final play before prom...

Bump: how the waves, my man?

Dorsey: longer than any of my five fingers.

Ivanka: oh damn, i didn't realize how cute you were without the beard! your fingers are damn long!

Dorsey: quarantine haircut. my ghoul i mean goil did it herself.

Bump: haha! i get it. show the A-Okay symbol with your fingers underwater so the press can't spot it.

Dorsey: yeah no i just want to inform you that i have personally banned you from twitter.

Bump: *hangdog look* will i rant now? Twitter was the one free newspaper i owned i never had to pay libel suits on.

Dorsey: start a blog. like everyone else. it'll be slowgoing at first, but it'll pick up soon as you secure sponsors to your blog who will incentivize the clicks. there are only three sponsors who are willing to do business with you now and slide their brand to the sidebar of your page: sharkfin soup, wet markets, and underwater cameras...

the two astronauts gallantly, silently, without crowds, without fans, make the walk from the promenade to the catwalk to the clearing area to the detox room awaiting the chem spray:

Astronaut Al: this is the first shower i've taken in months. my wife would be mad at me if i had a wife. reminds me of when i was in the rubber room.

Astronaut Bundy: we're Wonder Men. you were insane, too? only crazy people go to space.

Astronaut Al: no i mean that room made of rubber at the Harry & David between the milk aisle and the sexless bathroom where you sample all the cheese.

Astronaut Bundy: i know that room, that's where i flushed my stash. NASA's no fun, they won't allow drug addicts to astronaut, but that's the best way to prepare to fly into space. i get too distracted by their payphone, it's the last payphone on earth, uses only silver dollars.

Astronaut Al: yes but did Harry call David or David call Harry on it that one last time?

Astronaut Bundy: do you pledge your sole and undying loyalty to our country?

Astronaut Al: yes. but if it gets invaded by Lord Vader i'm going to another planet. Al. Bundy. that's how they came up with his name: some writer just went alphabet, A then B. A.B....

Astronaut Bundy: i get all these millennials hitting me up on Instagram DM complaining that they've been inside for too long. we were quarantining for this mission since October before covid began!

Astronaut Al: up, we're scrubbing the launch. we must protect Elon's son. if it's inclement weather we cannot in good conscience launch Elon's son, Elon's son must be scrubbed...

at the Igloo, the crones are biting their spell fingers:

Doryce: you see it, dear?

Gladyce: yes, dear. i didn't want to bring it up it's horrible. covid will become endemic to our planet.

Doryce: we must do something.

Gladyce: i eradicated smallpox from our world. this was in the groovy times while you were still sleeping. i isolated it cos i could see it from all the other viruses out there. virusii? you know how you can spot a cute little teacup dog from amongst the crowd at the park cos it's so tiny and small and cute? so the pox was a cinch.

Doryce: so do the same for this one.

Gladyce: there's hope. there is hope. cos it's cute. the coronavirus looks like a cute little cat toy. so i will be able to isolate it with my fourth eye, my third eye needs glasses. my eyes are old but keen, they've been rinsed with the eyedrops of the waterfall that created the Nile River. and with one stroke, one twirl of my finger, covid turns into Fruity Pebbles!

there's a knock at the igloo brick. it's the cat familiars.

Doryce: come in the door's fine. got too bored at The Treehouse?

cats: we'd just like to extend our paw to you, Miss Gladdy, great job taking care of that whole rinderpest thing.

Gladyce: oh yes that thing was a pest. ugly as hell. now it's ugly as heaven. and it didn't taste like orange juice at all!!!

Doryce: whaddaya know, i'm fucking a doctor.

Doryce continues biting her fingers.

Gladyce: what is it now? don't worry, i leave one piece of trash in the recycling bin to remind me i need to empty out the recycling bin each day, if there was nothing in it i wouldn't notice the bin. the only bitch is that piece of trash freezes solid and sticks to the bin overnight...

Doryce: cold.

Cecily Strong and Pete Davidson are the only two New Yorkers left. on Staten Island. they lie down on a completely empty barren road---those famous streets New York City is known for, two-lane but with bicycle and trolley paths it ends up being packed like a sardine five-laner---and talk to each other not looking at each other, looking only up at the sun as they each occupy the other lane of opposite incoming traffic:

Cecily: are the towers still blinking red? i hope this road's not the bridge. it's so nice here. not too hot, breezy. are the statins working for your covid?

Pete: i'm not sick i just look sick. waiting for the chalk man to trace your outline for the residents?

Cecily: it's not for the tourists that's for sure. this was originally two yellow lines.

Pete: but it had to become two white lines...

Cecily: and now it's a yellow, a white, a red, a green, and a blue line. the street of the future. what will happen to streets when flying cars come? New York City should just be called The City...

Pete: January Jones really redeemed herself. giving out her phone number to the general public like that. posting her digits because she willfully wanted to talk to depressed people. that gets her off the hook for being the worst Saturday Night Live host of all time, gets ME off the hook...

Cecily: take it from me, talk therapy with a celebrity's voice works better than just talking to your uncle who's a fish psychologist at SeaWorld.

Pete: i know i'd never do that, i'd just get all the crazies...

Cecily: i'd just get all the men...

Pete: so...…...are you leaving? Vegas odds has determined which one of us leaves the show first. you or me. i'm so into gambling again after the Jordan doc, it invigorated me to start playing with my life again.

Cecily: i saw your new movie at my private theatre, it was cool. it's easy to write a film script when it's just your life, you don't have to think. i still wish you would have used the scene i wrote, the one with the infamous encounter i had at that Chicago bar with Stu...

Pete: yeah didn't want it cut but that was above my pay grade. they said that scene was too graphic and too humiliating, to the point of being too unbelievable that audiences wouldn't recognize that as human behavior. the producers' exact note was:

people want to be uplifted during this time...

Takahashi and Dirg are discussing bands in the empty school parking lot at night with the windows open. and the doors open, both doors of the Isuzu Elf are open with both men hanging their legs out and cocks out over their jeans as they talk with their tongues out. make that all three doors are open, the van door in the back, too...

Dirg: what a waste.

Takahashi: i liked Pinkerton tho. you should, too, it's about striking out in college.

Dirg: if Weezer had done what Rivers originally wanted to do for the followup to their debut masterpiece, the space opera, EVERYTHING would have changed! their trajectory would be a rocket blast! their runway the Ramones. the hiatus would have never happened, those painful five years to disintegrate bonds, to destroy momentum, for friendship and fulfillment to fracture. they would have held the Original Four beatles together in which they achieved their greatest success, it's been downhill ever since. have you seen the cover to Songs from the Black Hole?

Tyson, deGrasse Tyson: yes.

Dirg: it's fucking cool with the girl with the blonde ponytail riding that rocket like a Kubrick movie, that would have been their Mellon Collie! The Kitchen Tape would have been their Incesticide! i cringe whenever i see the video to "El Scorcho" with the fab four dancing to that wretched tune, it's just so much waste of what could have been.

Takahashi: it's sad when bands break up, four men in a band should be brothers, a squad, not be fighting internally in a circular firing squad. their war is with the world not each other. Matt Sharp looks like that football player in '80s sitcoms who comes around and eventually befriends the skinny nerd he's bullied all those years. Patrick Wilson wouldn't be playing tennis and inventing the high-five now. Patrick Wilson is the only drummer who looks cool actually stopping playing and putting his sticks down in the middle of the song and giving a wry winking smile to the camera.

Dirg: did you do the surveillance? did you dust the package for fingerprints?

Takahashi: yeah no i don't get girls like that.

Dirg: her name is Madame Pons. i mean….that's a kinky name! is she an escort?

Takahashi: i heard she's a witch so i wouldn't get too close...

Dirg: i'm always on the lookout for traps. do you think it'll work out between us?

Takahashi: well you have to actually feel. you're a Christian so you believe in magic which is the first step...

Dirg: i gotta start small. as in small feet. i can only handle docile cute tiny Asian girls at the moment with my diminished skills. my diminished taming skills from the virus. for protesting the virus so many times. you know there's this thing called ballet in which they bind feet also?...

Takahashi: these are people, not tigers for a king. you know you could learn a LOT from Rivers Cuomo's story, he's really into Japanese culture. like REALLY into Japanese culture. and not just anime, Madame Butterfly, too...

Dirg: i don't trust that New York family. besides, no red-blooded Italian can be a celibate Buddhist...

Cotard: monks are monks in their own way.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: Rafe Spall......if they ever finally get around to doing the books when Harry Potter's an not wait for Daniel to grow up...wait, commercials?

Dirg: yeah that one "controversial" commercial with the giant Titan white hand shoving around moving around the tiny black man like a chess piece around the street. nothing to see here, folks.

Laertus: there wouldn't be cept that white hand is giving the A-Okay symbol...

Dirg: 'tis a flick, a flick!!!

Eye Luggage: Bubblegum Crisis and go. i thought this was gonna be an '80s about just the first episode...first two episodes...

Dirg: why is it called Bubblegum Crisis tho.

Laertus: i've thought long and hard about this. i guess it's cos when the Boomers explode their insides look like chewed stringy stretchy bubblegum. or that the women appear bubblegum-cutesy but are badasses when you get them in their exoskeletons.

Dirg: crisis of faith? it's what's on the insides that counts, ladies, so don't be hard to me. i want to see these chicks fight naked. i mean without the aid of their suits, bareknuckle. i dunno it's all just an amalgam meld melt of Terminator, Macross, Robotech, Voltron, Mario Bros, and Care Bears.

Eye: all cyberpunk stems from the brainstem of one mustached mind who was a supreme Dick. his friends called him Phil. K for ketamine.

Dirg: his only real friends were in his head...

Laertus: some say his brain was the first workable cyberbrain...

Dirg: do all '80s songs sound like Jem or does Jem sound like all '80s songs? always allow a woman to speak her truth, her story, on the county steps, it'll avoid a scene. the only black person in all of Japan is the police chief?

Rubikon: hey. hey. i concede, i really do. to my man Biden the joe. i bow to Biden, unite the country. he can have it, i'll be his follower, not just on Twitter. i'll go to war for this man, not just on a steelmill football field. i mean what he said, that's WAY more powerful coming form HIM than ME...

Laertus: this is true woman power! early power! think the Spice Girls as crimefighters. hey i want an office like that, an office with a bed in it.

Dirg: oh come on dude!, why is that dude simping over that singer chick? she might as well be the first Instagram model...

Eye: she's got the '80s big hair! well, hair in a big poof. in the future of the '80s, all dudes wear leather jackets, sneakers, rollerblade sunglasses, and talk on screen phones. i'd rather have the screen phones now than iphones...

Dirg: never call in the army. the army is for EMERGENCIES only. do NOT deploy the army for covid!, the army is too valuable for that! do not send out for secrets! when are you coming home, daddy?, this computer only has one game. ginger and loli discrimination. yeah see? the ginger is good for gay-man love, his hair is red after all. hey, no smoking while driving. be safe, don't look cool. this is like if the Childlike Empress had no clue...

Eye: Japan's obsession with being young, looking young. for a Japanese woman in anime, there's no greater insult than being called an old lady. an auntie. that's worse than getting covid.

Dirg: so sad that they actually get us invested in a girl character only to watch her die, and she really stays dead. that's a bummer. see? Lady Wolverine is not supposed to be nice, she's still Wolverine. don't sweat it, girl, save that for your aerobics, marrage is a bummer. i could have written her better. why am i talking about this? Eye?

Eye: aerobics classes, HUGE in the '80s. like the glass and the legwarmers. i thought it was lame cos my mom did it so i didn't. but she only did it cos grandma did it. looking back, i should have done it, would have added more tendon juice to my bed sessions now...

Laertus: another great fear in '80s anime: humans beings not being human beings. that the purpose of human life was to be weapons at the whim of governments...

Dirg: this is a call to all the women out there: wear leotards again!!!

Dirg: Laertus cover your girl's eyes for the hanging pigs in the shop...

Dirg: how do they maintain their secret business if they let all those millions in cash burn in secret factory fires? how do they make money? do they have a secret benefactor?

Laertus: it's like life, good buddy, you gotta trust that you're gonna get the money on the backend once your aborted series that was supposed to be 13 episodes but ended up just 8 somehow balloons into a billion-dollar franchise operating out many movies, spinoffs, and serieses. seriesii? with all the money they have now they should finish those five episodes...

Eye: g'night, folks. remember kids, don't put off for tomorrow ANYTHING you can do today. if you can do it today, DO IT TODAY. you never know when that next power outage is coming...

Dirg: can goths be patriotic?...

the three buddies are at the vending machine at the school front at night thinking up a special drink for the prom:

Julie: a shake? a twist on the shake?

Pat: malt? a malted i mean?

Michael Weiss: you have to determine if that one guy you follow on Instagram is a genius or just crazy...

Julie: for as long as i can remember, even before i was born, i saw the image of nostalgia. i saw that HUGE bottle of garlic salt on the pantry of our school kitchen. the lunchroom smelt wonderful of lavender and sage and wiccan incandescent scent. but soon the green stench became overpowering. kids got respiratory diseases. that block of garlic salt just stood there, batch after batch, year after year, four-year bunch after four-year bunch, never moving, never dissipating, never evaporating. just becoming more coagulated, a more hardened brick of itself, an immovable cylinder of garlic salt. no matter how many spaghetti dinners Lunchlady Lois coiled around her ladle, it was never enough, the salt never ran out. but YOU can finally break the chain, solve the salt scratcher, my sweet.

Julie takes Pat by the fingers and puts them to her heart.

Julie: i feel it right HERE.

Pat: no it's all you, all you.

Julie: what was that new contraption you were working with at your home kitchen when your mom is away?...

Pat: oh it's better than a stand mixer, it's this thing called a blender! blender. yeah i decided to clear my refrigerator one day and threw the kitchen sink in a blender. the rest of the bad lunchlady missing-kids milk that sits out on the pantry one day too long we never drink, a couple strawberries, a handful of cute little blueberries, a banana not cos it looks funny but cos i can't stand potassium, and voila! i call it a smoothie cos it goes down smooth.

Mike: damn, i thought i was smooth...…...i'm the only person in the entire school taking French...

Julie: brils, boi! smoothie! you win! the prom wins! but you must clear the salt.

Pat puts the rest of the garlic salt in the smoothie. all nine decades of it. he takes a sip...…'s sweet...

Pat: *smiles* see? you did this. i stole a kiss from you as i drank it. your tongue can turn the foulest of breaths sweet...

Mike: breaths full of hate speech...

Pat: you make EVERYTHING sweet...

Pat: sorry, i might have incidentally touched my tongue to yours, just trying to collect and sample your drops and drips of the drink. how you tasted it.

Julie: oh that wasn't stealing a kiss, honey, i meant it!

Friday, May 22, 2020



* The Boondocks meets Hey Arnold, adult swim make this a show...

* cornfield has cool Pharrell hats

* Batman vibes, the one with the black paper. Purple Drank will come back later, he's a red purple herring for now...

* math teaches that we are all fuckups. you can hate math, but math will still kill you...

* this was my exact math class. darkened room, rolled-out projector, one chalkboard on the ceiling, cept the projector screen was replaced with a huge ridged wood Zenith tv on which we watched Storybook International...

* the punishment kid was my best friend. i felt so bad for him all the time.

* shit if the whiteboard turned into a tv i would have never left 3rd grade...

* remember that adult swim show with the black atheist?...he didn't do black magic if that's what you're thinking...

* your ankles hurt cos Fat Albert...nevermind, can't use Fat Albert anymore...

* the last time i ate spaghetti out of a tiny green pot was 3rd grade… was that Spaghetti-Os spaghetti with the weird clumpy noodles and those meatballs that were square for some reason

* 1 Flying Spaghetti Monster + 1 Flying Spaghetti Monster = Mom

* eating spaghetti with chopsticks, they only do that in Japanese horror flicks

* when you blur out the dildo it just makes you desire the dildo more. if you just show the dildo adult swim's audience will think it's a bong...

* cookiehead monster. with that voice that depresses me, they didn't make that one show with the shut-in incels in the nursery and King Valiant pond. i ate my her ass, i don't eat babies, i'm not a monster

* metro screaming, very obscure, huge on Dutch farms. i killed that beat! like a Suge Knight ankles situation

* Issa Rae's blowin' up Netflix!

* lotion! not a metaphor for cum! men use lotion all the time! for their cracked hands! they're manly men on construction jobs!

* Michael Jackson move before the spewing of fire...

* just McDonalds ketchup packets

* that god's picture on the wall in the back btw is not associated with any race, that's just a demon

* mom: dishes in the sink...
Spooky: they're all forks which are lies.
mom: what do you use this sock for!
Spooky: my foot. Fat Albert thing.

Spooky: don't worry, mom, i'll delete his high scores.
mom: thank you, baby. keep the pictures on there, just the scores.

* that's not brown tub water...

* Eminem: i surprised myself.
Spooky: i mean a Lyft driver using a police car?...
Eminem: the only way to ensure people in this hood would social-distance. at least 8 miles.
Spooky: PLEASE text me back. girl! wait, i get all these delivered notices. so whats up?……...oh it was my FOOD getting delivered, she never texted me back!!!!!!!!!!
Eminem: at least you're not that dinosaur hunter who deleted all his work emails...

* oh leave that kid alone, he's had enough punishment...

* Tiffany Haddish: my head's not a radish.
Spooky: do you know what this napkin is?
Tiffany: no.
Spooky: sorry, i only date girls who watch South Park. it was Towelie.
Tiffany: tortilla. pronounced with ls, not ys. clap for emphasis.

* that whole Impossible Burger phenomenon lasted about a month, right? you don't hear about the Impossible Burger anymore...

* fish waiter: excusez-moi, monsieur. i do not belong here. i belong in a Monty Python sketch, with my boys...

* Tiffany Haddish: you sayin' i have a tortilla ass!!!!!?

* Rocket Power meets O'Grady on adult swim. i've lost count, when girls call each other bitch, is that a good thing or a bad thing?

* female Chalamet

* don't fight a girl with heels, take it from me, you will get pierced

* Spooky: i don't go to Rutgers, dude...
Demon: yes you do! i mean you will! they WILL open in the fall...

* Spooky: when my preacher tells me i need to be woke, it's weird. i thank you for washing your hands.
Devil: can never be too careful...
Spooky: here, use this napkin...

* Safe Space Lofts, used to just be called Ikea before Trump...nice hand-sanitizer dispenser at the front gate tho, you have to be buzzed in

* that one roommate who plays video games in the corner and never pays rent...

* Spooky: what is real?
Purple Drank: this. isn't this a cool modern sleek design to our loft? very European prefab. want something to eat? nevermind, all you need to survive is drink. now you've gone and woken up the baby!

* every rap album cover is either a baby or a grandma knifing a Pokemon

* Ghost Baby: Pac-Man spared me. but the trauma stunted my growth. so i didn't become a 2001 baby.

* Spooky: how long have i been here?
Purple Drank: since Muppet Babies.
Zoe Kravitz: look, Issa is the now but i'm still the lineage of Lisa Bonet. i mean Lisa Bonet is Lisa Bonet. we're talking Lisa Fucking Bonet here. CORNROWS Lisa Bonet!!!

* Zoe: you're never too young to start drugs...
Spooky: i shot PixyStix up my nose in front of my doctor once cos he wanted to prove Behaviorism...

* ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS!!! you can NEVER throw a nerd a bone, the babe ALWAYS turns out to be a banshee from Hell!!!

* Purple Drank: Spooky? what's going on in there?
Spooky: I CAME. and i think i orgasmed for the first time, too. or she did or something.


happy weekend, my babies

it's summer. so...…...yeah. TOMORROW: $10 box of Popcorn Nuggets from KFC. no sides, no taters, no mash, no slaw. cos i've been dry awhile...

Wednesday, May 20, 2020


Dirg: see? that Feeding America Weather Channel thing was all jokes. you said Feeding America was serious.

Laertus: this early with your shit?

Dirg: and Maria wasn't on there!

Eye Luggage: we all miss her. Felicia has moved in to the alpha-woman slot. not the word you think, Dirg.

Birx takes a deep breath, clears her throat---which is hard given her scarf---and determinedly pushes gently the door to the Oval:

Birx: sir i need to speak with you RIGHT NOW. immediately. was i muttering just then?

President Bump: another beer, bitch……..oh sorry, i thought you were Melania. she doesn't respond to me now that's she's a robot. what is it i'm actually busy this time.

Birx: sir look at me. look at my eyes! look at my scarves especially!!! i put a LOT of work into these scarves. they're different EACH day! NEVER A REPEAT.

Bump: i know firsthand that's hard to do...

Birx: i wore these scarves in the hopes that maybe i'd set an example for the American people. model good behavior. these scarves were my masks! see? it doesn't have to be a dreary drag, you could wear a Guns N Roses mask if you have to...

Bump: ANOTHER BEER, BITCH!!! diet beer. sorry......this is all i know how to why they won't let me do public addresses anymore.

Birx: STOP YELLING AT ME!!! you're spreading covid!!! the disease doesn't care if you're an independent cos you don't read books. don't you care about infecting others? you got your spit on the head of my peacock!

Bump: are we still talking about your scarf? or real life?

Birx: my daddy yelled at me and look where it got him...

Bump: didn't he get lost in space? that was my favorite show as a youth, i watched it alone. dreaming of being lost in space. i get enough guff from others. why don't they leave me alone? i just want to watch tv. i mean i got this fatass Pompeo with an even fatter face than me on my one side who looks like if Curly from Three Stooges had smarmy brains. i got James Woods who makes me jealous, he called Michael Moore tubby first. i got Nancy who is Skeletor's grandmother and is just morbid, she was the inspiration for Haunted Mansion at Disneyland. and my new secretary i mean spokesman i mean spokeswoman Kayleigh who wants to read the Bible to me every night as a bedtime story. *shakes his face and clears his throat like Jimmy Stewart* i said know i mean ehh i'm game for anything. let me tell you something, prayer did not help me, there is no God, just ask my boss Codrus.

Birx: Pelosi has had enough of your shit on your shoes!

Pence: sir, that is NOT the Bible! that's The Midnight Gospel!...

at the Glass Igloo, Doryce and Gladyce have just finished a satisfying dish of curry and are doing the dishes:

Doryce: so tasty! what herbs did you use?

Gladyce: it wasn't the spices, it's the preparation, that tandoori pot was smokin'. the secret is not the clay composition but how you mount it...

Doryce: i'm listening...

Gladyce: put it on an ice floe. but the REAL key is how you steam it. i HATED that cheap plastic film we were using, when you cook with it it gets slow-simmered and sticky in the grease and dissolves into eighty million pieces of invisible plastic bits.

Doryce: for the eighty-headed god...

Gladyce: those are a bitch to get out pardon my depardieu. they really are! i eat them accidentally, they get stuck to my finger bases and fingertips, i have to scratch them out of the plate cos i can't see them. and it gets even more confusing cos they blend with the grease globules so you don't know if you're scraping off the grease or the film! and then when you wash the other hot side of the plate after burning your fingers there are stragglers of film hiding there you have to peel off if you still have the finger for it.

Doryce: like miniature stars in the sky. like little swimmers of sperm staining the carpet, i remember those days. solution? we are a solution-based economy...

Gladyce: i call it The Beast With Two Backs. when cooking use TWO plates instead of one. don't cover your food with a roll of film, simply cover it with another plate that you invert on top.

Doryce: genius, my love! oh yeah never thought of that before. like a little mini homemade croc pot named after the McDonalds founder. that's what the actress said...

Gladyce: just make sure to wear gloves when you're handling it afterwards cos that top plate will BURN your fingers off! quickly put that top plate back to the pile of plates stored in the cupboard.

Doryce: but what about storing leftover food without using plastic film?

Gladyce: use pieces-of-eight. silver. tinfoil to cover it.

back at The Treehouse:

the cat familiars left alone: a shale stone in the kitty litter is good luck...

Altuve enters the wet field of the Orlando Megaplex deltaplex and takes a look around. he's wearing Air Jordans to curry favor with the nonpaying public.

Altuve: don't look at my shirt, i'm not wearing one. do you think the people will be so happy to have baseball back they'll forget about me?

Laertus pushes PLAY and "Don't You Forget About Me" plays in the background dugout.

Anderson Cooper's baby: why didn't you come out sooner, daddy? your life would have been much easier on you.

Anderson: i know, but...…...i wanted to make sure Obama had secured that second four-years first...

Takahashi at the school parking lot which is closed for covid:

he rolls in in his new ride. Dirg's mouth is agape.

Dirg: what the fuck man.

Taka: like it? it's an Isuzu Elf!

Dirg: oh i know what it is. i just can't believe it! i thought those only existed in cyberpunk anime. that's next week...

Taka: it's the anime truck to be sure. i traded the van, sorry. got a good deal for it tho *raps side of truck*. but i don't get the Kelley Blue Book, kelly means green...

Julie raps on the vending machine, tipping it over with her softshoe ballet slipper with ribbon on one foot. on her other foot is a black galosh.

Julie: here. have a drink. this sobia shall hit the spot, you look frazzled.

Pat: i'm fazzled. do i still have hair? maybe i should just shave it off, it's more unwieldy than a socket puppet from the beerguzzling Australian backwood. i'm worried about prom. i'm getting visions, it's an underwater theme…… in a big flood comes and washes away all revelers and the basketball court and land...

Mike: yep had the same vision, the basketball court becomes a baseball field...

Julie: don't worry about it, babe, worry about tit, prom is MONTHS away...

Pat: not if they shorten the semester to start in summer and end by Thanksgiving when all the sports will come at us in a glut of cum...

Dirg: those mini yellow Lays bags with the teeth on the front of the bag are creepy.

Bump: have i made a wrong turn? or is this anime club? i mean what was up with that Naruto Shippuden Power arc? i mean that girl was hot but she's that dude's sister!!! they got married and everything in a formal ceremony. with sakura and everything! sakura flowers.

Stephen A Smith: loved that last Bob's Burgers. Pesto had an inversion table...

crones: ...for sex...

Stephen: ...for Iverson...same thing...i know, i covered the man for thirty years, up until he lost the cornrows……...Game 6 The Movie? why?

Dirg: i never want my Instagram to devolve into being just a place for shoutouts...

Michael Weiss: for some, Instagram is a purely utilitarian thing, they're not in it for the fame. they're just there to trade recipes and for the perfect TikTok prerecording for their situation...

Michael Weiss: Julie, Pat, if you remember one thing from me for the future, let it be this: twitter to rant, Instagram to apologize...

Pat and Julie hold hands for comfort from the bewilderment.

Dirg: Betty Wright?!!! OMG i thought for a splitsecond you said BETTY WHITE!!!

Julie: well we're here waiting on Kate Tempest to show her pretty face and make her grand entrance and go with us to Shakespeare Class.

Pat: she's already gotten too big for us and our pauper rinkydink Shakespeare class. a high-school Shakespeare class is a luxury...

Julie: she's my first success story! no nurse here! oh look *waving* hiya!, there's lovely Madeline Horwath come to join the Orchid Girls! and she's brought a stand mixer to club!

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: i don't get it. why hire Daniel Radcliffe? the good book clearly says Harry has GREEN eyes. Mike Bailey, whatever happened to him? like i never knew his name was Mike Bailey, that is such a plain name, Sid from Skins sounds so much cooler, he should legally change his name to just Sid......oh, and...uh, oh yeah, the crones were mad that Mister America was filmed in San Gabriel instead of Glendale...

Eye: Life Of Pi and go. not a movie about maths...

Laertus: ...well, sort of...probably, it's one of probabilities...

Dirg: i remember my dad coming one night bringing home a fat green book of Statistics that i devoured in one night...

Laertus: that was MY dad.

Eye: Pi is the REAL Tiger King!

Dirg: i too notice that we all converged back here after having a meal together. at a Taste Of India restaurant. with that Aerosmith song in the background. nice try, but i know your tricks by now.

Dirg: R.I.P. The Man With Two Rs for emphasis. respec the r's. the Ricky Ricardo rolled r's. only pimps get two r's. without Irrfan---i'm a fan---there is no Khan or Mowgli, the way The Jungle Book was SUPPOSED to be read at night as a bedtime story. you know, for the ride. without Irrfan nobody would know what a slumdog was. there would be no Bollywood!!!

Tyzik: Slumdog Millionaire is classified as a...crime-drama film?...

Laertus: this is one hard-hitting PG film! it gets its grit from its philosophical exercises.

Dirg: yeah now imagine this movie as a hard R. what would it be? what would it look like? bestiality? it would be called Life Of Pee...

Eye: remember, Dirg, your first golden shower was courtesy of me. i did it to you as punishment, you did not enjoy it at all i recall.

Laertus: and right off the bat we see why this is the first Disney Nature film. absolutely breathtaking! all manner of exotic species, beast and bird, animals roaming the land, breathing all the clean green air cos there are no humans...oh drat, humans!'s Paradise, it's like the Playboy Grotto without the bunnies...

Laertus: okay, gang, let's all imagine this film if they used real animals...

Eye: i would have enjoyed that.

Dirg: the computer-generated animals are weird. for real. cos they're so real you can't tell the difference. but obviously when you see a bird do a triple-backflip it's AI. it messes with my equilibrium, i don't know what's real anymore, if this is VR or deepfake.

Laertus: Rafe Spall, his father owns a Dutch barge, that's your next ride, Takahashi. Rafe also had a weight problem as all our leaders and illuminati cheer up, Dirg...

Dirg: i'd rather be fat than skinny, bones. cos if you skinny you dead.

Laertus: the Piscine Molitor. where you went to be seen. not the Expo. the pool where the writer warrior elites gathered, where they summered with George Clooney and Gatsby. all the dames had hourglass shapes to hide the fact they could still only wear one-pieces no matter how hot they were. and Hemingway was naked and fat in the pool...

Eye: where Clifford the Big Red Dog bathed. that's where we're going on our next roleplay i mean honeymoon, babe.

Dirg: he wants to be known as PIE, not PEE! he doesn't want to be a porn star when he grows up...though with the name Pie...

Laertus: okay that was funny, i genuinely laughed out loud at that. he's an Indian Catholic, getting guilty over all two thousand gods. they say he was indecisive, but he was a scholar to me. all scholars become a Hindu then Vishnu of Everything Is Everything then a Catholic then a Jew and finally a Muslim in the end.

Dirg: kabbalah doesn't count, the Red String of Fate was animated by anime first. i would have peed in the holy water but that's just me as scriptwriter.

Laertus: okay Dirg, i won't hate, i admit, that comic book was cool. seeing the entire galaxy in the mouth of that blue Hindu god, that was something to behold, gave me the neck shivers.

Laertus: oooh, that cuts deep. the father tells his sons not to believe in religion, it only leads to darkness. science man father deals a blow. remdesivir will cure you, not reishi.

Madame Pons in a tree scowls from a distance.

Dirg: oh god Gerard Depardieu. i mean come on! he always plays the blowhard French man. he's too big of himself, he thinks he represents The French State Itself, he is France.

Laertus: he's the bad Frenchie. the one who voted for that woman, yeah i said it. why do all racists regardless of country all have fat heads, long blond locks of rusted viking, red cheeks, and sweat profusely?

Eye: what is he known for? this Jerry. he did that thing with the Roxanne long nose and was a Musketeer once or something. make Amelie the symbol of France instead.

Laertus promptly covers Eye's eyes like a good boyfriend. like a companion, like a pet.

Laertus: you don't need to be seeing that, hon.

Eye: oh god. at least they didn't show the goat.

Dirg: so much for being a G.O.A.T. don't look too much into animals, all animals are dumb. you're just seeing your own dumb reflection reflected back at you, human.

Eye: cats and dogs can talk...…...they just choose not to...

Dirg: oh COME ON!!! the Bengal Tiger is named Richard Parker?!! it would have been WAY cooler if they called him Thirsty!

Dirg: i don't get it, that poor hyena, i thought you were supposed to laugh at the alpha's jokes at a party.

Laertus: you will never understand dominance.

Eye: oh shit, *touches her Rubenesque chest* okay i admit, i won't hate, when the tiger comes out of the boat's cover that was an effective jump-scare, that worked. it scared the shit outta me.

Dirg: i wasn't scared. damn tiger why you so angry? and the tiger answers I have covid. this is bad being standed like this. this is worse than Gilligan's Island, at least Little Buddy had friends.....never saying goodbye to a girl, i know thee well...

Laertus: do you shake your fist at God like that, Dirg? like Clooney on a wave? when you're having a particularly nasty day?

Dirg: hey it wasn't hunger, it's wasn't delusion, it wasn't oasis, Pi was experiencing the blue-neon lightshow of a European rave...

Dirg: and he drinks his own pee out in the open waters. full circle. this has become Waterworld again...

Eye: he had a better flotilla.

Dirg: hey it's bad luck to eat a flying fish, especially when it's in midflight. haven't these people played Mario? you eat those wings that are still fluttering inside your stomach and they fly you up to Hell. it's kill or be killed, kid, no room for sympathy. that ain't a housecat you can cuddle with!

Laertus: when the whale comes, that's when Pi has the devastating thought: the boat he's on, it's not wood, it's Pinocchio!

Eye: that is so courteous and courageous of him, i wouldn't have thought of that, his first instinct with the fish isn't for himself, he's thinking he has to keep feeding the tiger fish to keep the tiger alive. everyone else would think only of their own survival in this situation, keeping number-one alive. just getting fish for themself.

Laertus: it's Meerkat Manor......on acid!!!

Eye: this is the logical conclusion of a Venus flytrap. if you continue feeding it, Seymour, it turns into a carnivorous island...

Dirg: which is pretty cool when you think about it. it has lots of water around to drown out all that salty meat. and teeth flowers! that's what happens when you eat all those Lays...

Laertus: and we reach The Piano shore again, pristine and small-sandy.

Dirg: crack open a couple of Coronas and let's shoot the breeze. literally. with rifles and masks. damn, Richard Parker, why you gotta be so cold. you couldn't just give one man-nod to the crying boy? i can still make you spicy chicken nuggets!

Laertus: this is where the film loses me. why the second story? it puts a damper on the enterprise up till now. just stick with the original story, it's so pretty and philosophical. you literally have ten minutes of dead air as he sits and dictates the second story coldly in a room. why? plus it glosses over the fact he's trying to cover up that he may be a mass-murderer all this time, that is so not Disney.

Dirg: see, Laertus?, the story with God in it will always be the more interesting story. and Rafe is literally dumbfounded when he finds out Pi has a wife and kids. you're not a weird loner with funny hair who tells fantastic tales and has this nice place you afford somehow? you know, cos of all the trauma and everything, he can't be around people nor tigers again.

Laertus: don't steal stories. write your own.

Eye: let's not talk about the animal abuse behind the scenes of this film, it's too depressing and puts a damper on the proceedings, this grand existential exercise we've been on. email reads: last week we almost killed King. fuck me. g'night, folks.

Dirg: just go with the flow, man, pi never ends. yeah so that Indian boy from Skins is the MC of this, right? don't steal jokes, don't steal beats, don't steal lyrics, don't steal stories, ideas are free. Biden. told ya. his accuser is the REAL Tiger King. Tiger Queen. g'night, folks.

Madame Pons dials 911 for information, uh, 411:

Madame Pons: hello? how can i become a sensuality chef?

the operator hangs up.

Madame Pons: babies?

Doryce: you said you bought an apron? first off, take the apron off. lose the apron.

Madame Pons: huh. apron, a porn...

Gladyce: bake something special for someone you wouldn't expect.

Bump in an apron: am i in the right place? the kitchen, right? see i know. let's do something! i just learned how to make homemade hydroxychloroquine from Inside Edition. it's so cool, it looks like leek soup from China! it's like those youtube videos that teach you how to make McDonalds fries...

a package is slipped under the roof of the Elf.

Taka: oh's for you. it's a leaving.

Dirg: if it's not in a Maury Povich manila envelope it doesn't count and i won't look at it.

Taka: it's not food. it's something to read. it's the Gabagool comic, your favorite! dirty comic.

back at school in the front hallway, the glow of the vending machine lights the night sky:

Julie: here. rub these two quarters together and see if you make a fire.

Pat tries but gets Mike as a witness.

Pat: see?

Mike: yeah, it's warm, i felt it.

Julie takes the quarters but doesn't put them in the coin slot. instead she moves them into the inside of the machine without breaking the glass into a million pieces. one quarter covers the other quarter and floats in the middle of the inside rings and rungs.

Julie: see that? there's a fire inside that crockpot. it burns hot.

she takes out the quarter contraption as if the vending-machine glass were a roll of invisible plastic film. the glass isn't disturbed but Pat's force is. Pat touches it and it's stone cold.

Pat: i don't get it, what happened. therein lies the rub, why isn't it hot? where's your Indian burn?

Julie: it's still there, the flame migrated to your heart. you can feel your heart you can't feel your soul.

Pat: my heart is starting to jump.

Julie: you are definitely a thirsty mister. chips? drink?

Pat: that one.

Julie: nice. Chills + Thrills, a fountain drink. the drink that's so thick you eat. kinda like my rump. all they have is lime, is that okay?

Friday, May 15, 2020



* not sponsored by Amazon. but delivered by them

* that's apple juice in those bottles

* don't worry, not the Doctor Who vacuums

* FleshPhone was the original name of the iPhone, Steve was on a spiritual bender with both Benders that dawn. looking back, the name fits now...

* Piggy: before you talk, listen. they stole Neelix from me. i wear my old-man ear-hair in the front as a sign of male virility in my culture. i'm the diversity hire, i can be as obnoxious as i want. i'm very affectionate. and i have a thing for Asians. this is what Jesus looked like, he was not a Middle Eastern man...

* what am i like on a college campus?...…...sorry folks, this joke is so old it was told when there were still college campuses...

* you're losing your job cos you look like Ethan Suplee...

* Ethan: don't touch me, asshole!
Piggy: what's up that guy's ass?
Ethan: my asshole.

* Piggy: we need to take you to Key West and get you laid, brother...don't mind my extend-o-arm...
boss: Hurricane Season starts June 1...
Piggy: remember when Margaritaville wasn't just for Republicans...

* Piggy: New Jersey, city of stars...
black man: it's pronounced Joisey. who's a star form New Jersey?
Piggy: um......Frank Sinatra i think...and that guy who ate too many clams...
Piggy: is this really for pooping? i don't poo so i don't know. it smells like poop?
black man: no it's a glassless mirror. you know before toilet seats you just had a bucket out back. but Amazon destroyed all the buckets...

* Piggy: what's that mess?
Asian woman: it's either clothes for children or adult babyplay.
Piggy: oh cool. let me ask you something, how does it feel to be in bed wth Michael Cera?
Asian woman: what?

* disgruntled employee: i ain't too bright, i no doctor, but i know family. this here's a family company. if you gay you can't have a kid unless you steal one off the space black market...which is all black...

* worker: you're shitting right here on the shiny marble floor!!!?
Piggy: it's Amazon, an essential worker will be right over to clean it up...
worker: you're not one of us!
Piggy: i was laying eggs, the network says it's missing their Steven Universe numbers so i pulled some crystals out of my ass. you don't hate me, you hate yourself.
worker: i'm gonna make you clean!
Piggy: good. Melissa Maker could help you, too.
worker: i'm gonna suck you off.
Piggy: i have a boyfriend. he builds hearing aids for BIG ears.
Piggy: you know how you love me?
worker: yeah tell me, genius.
Piggy: thank you, friend, i hadn't gotten an erection in years. your tension made me normal again.

* Piggy: can i please be the company butcher now?!
boss: no you can't. cos you look like meat.
boss: sit still for your covid test.
Piggy: dude i could EAT all the covid in the world if you'd let me!
boss: it's early innings yet...…...again, sorry, there was baseball when we did this...
boss: Los Angeles Community College.
Piggy: is that like...what is that exactly? not USC, not UCLA,...
boss: what the hell is that!!!
Piggy: what? it's my butcher-cutter motion. i'm native. Indian and to space like Neelix.

* boss: no Piggy, you may not smell the Dolly Parton rainbow scarves...oh hey, Chester Bennington.
worker: next album is taking real long...
boss: i'd like to, too, but...
worker: just convert to Judaism and you can get away with anything. i'll even throw in that refrigerator with all the skateboard stickers over there in the back of me. he ate my Red Lobster leftovers, man!
boss: that is unforgivable. especially right after that poor handsome Red Lobster worker died shortly after filming that commercial spot.

* Piggy: what the...YOU SHOT ME! who the hell are you supposed to be? like Michael Madsen? Arnold but halfway done with the muscles? spouting a meme i have no idea of...
Piggy: *softly* it's okay, boss, shh, shh, quiet now, cry no more, i am the police...i was the police the whole time...
boss: *through tears* don't worry Piggy, we'll continue to pee in bottles in honorance of you.

* Phoenix: *wiping the marble floor looking like a stretchy marshmallow cartoon character* this maple syrup's a bitch to get out.
cybermancer: spoilers, i was Chris Farley...


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: In-N-Out Burger reopens!!! it was cool the last time, the drivethru line was so long it snaked into the park and curled into the highway into oncoming traffic. it took so long the beautiful servers in their neat paper hats actually came outside and took our orders with ther ipads by knocking on car roofs. then they directed us to the covid drivethru. that's how good their burgers are! oh, no animal fries on the menu till they get wiped off...

Wednesday, May 13, 2020


President Bump is pacing his room happy the coronavirus is letting his friends out early.

Bump: what's the latest, Mike?

Pence: the vaccine was already ready before the virus was conceived. now that it's in play and spread some, i can inform you we've built exactly two doses. one for me and one for you...

Bump: uh uh, one for me only. it requires two doses. it's good to be king. and president. of the student council. have we contacted Bill Gates yet? for the life of me i can't contact him through that computer he sent over to me. Microsoft, what is that, fabric softener?

Pence: doesn't bode well for our contact-tracing program. nor religion in general. you don't do laundry, man, don't make me laugh.

Bump: i'm one of those one-finger button-pushers on the computer keyboard.

Pence: Bill Gates on the line...

Bump: hey Bill. hey listen, i want to talk to you about Melinda......Melinda? after all your money and cash and stocks and sweaters and bonds and burgers bought on 60 Minutes you couldn't do better?

Bill Gates hangs up.

Bump: hello? i was gonna offer a trade with my Mel...

Pence: anonymous on the line...

Bump: who dis?

familiar wicked voice: it's your buddy.

Bump: DAMMIT KIM!!! i thought you were dead!!!

Putin: no, you dolt, it's Vlad. have you been watching the news?

Bump: news? what's that?

Putin: the break-in at the secret Chinese lab...that houses the vaccine ingredients...intrepid doxxers tried to scoop up the information before anyone else and publish the recipe online. but we took care of them and scooped it up ourselves. and wiped the screens with Lemon Pledge.

Bump: do tell.

Putin: i just did.

Bump: but why would you undermine your own operation, aren't the Chinese your slaves? all Asian people wear pink BAGA Bump hats. i suck off all their acer japanese maple.

Putin: to make it look like there's another actor in the game. we illuminati are like the Devil. we have to work 24/7 to make it seem like we don't exist.

Bump: the Devil was kicked out of our club cos he didn't pay his club fees and green fees and greens fees and dues and died. yeah it's too much work for me, that's why i threw my snake out the window when i got it in an envelope in the mail which is tanking. the snake wouldn't be defenestrated tho, it formed into a T and stayed on clutching the window frame.

Putin: that secret symbol is known as the Cross of Christ.

Bump: anyway it's a moot point, you mooch. covid will eventually become endemic to our world and be with us forever.

Putin: awww, i hate it when the game ends...

at the Glass Igloo, Doryce and Gladyce are trekking without their brooms in a harsh winterstorm.

Doryce: it's blowin'!!! my kind of weather. do you think the covid is wrapped in the tiny particles of all this snow?

Gladyce: dear, focus on the road, in front of you, you're carrying me. don't get distracted by all the viking butts trudging along our way. i've been trading heraldic charges like Pokemon cards with the local hanging townsfolk. which shield do you want?

Doryce: the one with Finn. to support The Midnight Gospel going to adult swim.

Gladyce: that's the best show to watch together just the two of us when we lovingly get to our room. in our three warm socks, sipping one elk mug of toasty cocoa, under our blanket made of invisible snake. each ice block is carefully measured by Escher to fit exactly, like a row of giant bricks, and the glass windows are our portals to look out at the night sky.

Doryce: there better be more green streaks than stars in that black sky!

the crones make it up to the tip of the white hill and unpack. their baggage. and hug joyfully.

Doryce: WE MADE IT!!!

Gladyce: we make ourselves...

the counterboy at the Wes Anderson hotel with snowy snow spires is Anderson Cooper's baby, who already talks with a heavy Brooklyn accent:

Anderson Cooper's baby: tickets. hey, MASKS, LADIES!!! where are the masks!!! no entry without yous masks!!! i mean scarves up here up in here!!!

Doryce: what?

baby: solving the riddle is your ticket outta here.

Gladyce: oh dear. i see the problem here, look, Dory, over there. our room, see? the blocks are not quite symmetrical. it's a geological geometrical conundrum.

baby: try calculus, toots.

Doryce: no neoprene gloves, squirt!!? blue to indicate cold?, hello!

baby: there were but everything turns to ice here eventually. those clear gloves are all yous got, get to sufficin'!

Doryce goes first and puts on the gloves, honoring her spell fingers by doing it carefully. the black conceals that it's a hot night. the out-of-place ice block is unprotected not getting the benefit of the collective cool and rapidly starts to water drip and melt. by the time Doryce tries to manipulate it the block has melted.

Doryce: i tried to turn it over but i only got one side. i spent five minutes struggling to take the glove off, my fingers got stuck and squirreled.

baby: buzzer. you lose. you have to touch the ice block with your bare hand or it doesn't count, but once you touch it it immediately starts melting. i am a symbol of hope. care for a shot, sweetheart?

Gladyce: with you oh yes, you are cute. i'm not sure which of your pair of cheeks are redder.

Gladyce has figured it out in the timespan of this one conversation duration. she puts on the glove and turns the ice block over. takes the glove off BY flipping the glove over itself instead of taking it off finger by finger, touches and turns the ice block over again to fit it in with its sisters, puts the reversed mirror-image glove back on just in time to move the block under the cool again before it melts and  before she gets frostbite on her precious-cargo spell fingers.

Doryce: love you babe! that overhang roof of cold is exactly what we need at The Treehouse!

the clique are at Mary Grace Boutique in the mall after that wild night:

Julie: you're not still sore about last night, right?

Pat: i was never sore. which was the problem.

Julie: i had to hep Mike. he's kinda cute when he lets his chest hairs grow so mangly no lawnmower could ever cut it but that's beside the point. it's my duty to help. i'm a nurse. in-training. i tell my girls all the time that it's your duty to become a nurse if the writing thing falls through, always gotta have a backup plan.

Michael Weiss: imagine being a Norse nurse. WOW! look how cool these lucky pennies are! pressed into all the statehoods. my face is pressed up against the glass. and here's one for Puerto Rico that is small enough to fit into any earthquake crack...

Pat: cool. but not as cool as finding a lucky penny on the street.

Mike: NEVER pick those up, dude! lucky pennies ain't lucky anymore. don't you know they're covered in covid i mean germs!...

Anderson Cooper's baby gets another customer as he wears a fedora and swings baby plastic Fisher Price keys on his finger:

baby: name?

Ash: just call me Ash. i'm Elon Musk's kid.

baby: oh yeah i caught you playa how you livin? so you liking life so far?

Ash: my dad says there are better planets than this one. but California won't let me have my flying permit. i don't want to surf! i want to go into space as soon as possible. like my father before me. like that movie with the other space baby, am i gonna get that big? they say i can't get a permit cos they don't know how to pronounce my name for the records.

baby: bummer. at least you got a permanent in when to comes to that Pokémon VR game.

Ash: that's another thing. my dad won't let me play that game. he was bullied as a youth for being into video games and being a nerd. i tell him i can't read his mind and daddy says yes! i can! he's forcing me to read his mind when my brain hasn't fully formed yet! still got pockets of gas and canyons in there in my head gum. he says it's a moot point, mooch. btw, what's your name?

Anderson Cooper's baby: 360...

Takahashi is stuffing food down Dirg's throat.

Taka: here, try this.

Dirg: KELP JERKY!!! no way! i won't eat anything that comes from the conservationist sea! i don't care if this is the real-life version of SpongeBob food!

Taka: if you know the names of producers, THEN you're really a tv fan and junkie. do you kiss your burger before you eat it? i've seen you do it, Dirg, in the van when you thought i wasn't watching. i got an exra rearview window, bud.

Dirg: yeah, in your rear. mad about losing the California special election?

Taka: in the back trying to make the scary ridged emptiness less scary. it was surprising and a disheartening omen to come no doubt. i've seen you, you kiss each individual bean of the chili of your burger like the beans are essential workers and you're lording it over them.

Dirg: if i were British i'd be hailed as a genius in a university taco-bar lab for being a cultured culinary continental connoisseur. one of the Mexican masters. teach MasterClass. the chili burger is the greatest invention food has ever seen.

Eye Lugage: Libby Schaaf is fucking hot!

Laertus: right?

Eye: Oaktown mayor! WEST SIDE!!! and i hold up my white-girl-trash gang sign. her and Oprah for the Dem Ticket 2020!!!

Dirg: how can she understand Oakland's black issues? i mean her name is literally Libby...

Laertus: i feel SO BAD for Roy Horn! i mean come on! after all he's been through, after SURVIVING the tiger attack, he goes out LIKE THIS!!!?

Dirg: the tiger is not your friend…...that's next week...

Eye: without Roy Horn, that gold-standard Debbie Downer SNL skit at Disney World would have never held up all these years...

Tyzik: have they done Debbie Downer at Downton Abbey yet?...

Laertus: what's that noise?

Dirg: story of my life. it's my new ringtone: Maiara Walsh saying fuck on her Instagram stories...

Laertus: are you getting bolder in quarantine?

Dirg: no, just more bored...boreder...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: can a psychiatrist make a good father?

Dirg: depends how crazy he is.

Eye: you have to be crazy to be parent. Mister America and go.

Dirg: i didn't laugh once.

Laertus: not to be confused with Mrs. America, which everyone should go out and see.

Dirg: sucks when the best performance is from a conservative woman pro-life-with-pink-rollers-in-her hair scold Schlafly gadfly, huh. that pie tastes good.

Eye: i love Tim, but he really could have made an effort to include Eric in this, right? secure the friendship and business relationship.

Laertus: first off, this is either really good or really good acting on the part of local actors. i'm assuming they performed their skits in front of real people who didn't know this was a movie to get honest unfiltered reactions, which works. this is naked improv. i don't know how Tim & Eric and Eric Andre do it, they have balls of steel, they are the bravest men i know to go into a black donut shop or something in a KKK sheet just for the lulz is...…...crazy...

Dirg: more like baked improv. even i gotta admit, confronting Alex Jones like that one-on-one one-of-one mano-a-mano is scary as fuck. he's an intimidating guy. he sweats and spits and eats it, that's why his cheeks are so flustered. Eric nonchalantly brushes it off, saying Coachella this year sucks. as Alex Jones calls him a deep-stater comedian.

Laertus: okay, bud, Bud Lite and McDonalds. blue cans of Bud Lite and large red disks of McDonalds fries, THAT's your perfect meal, right, Dirg?

Dirg: almost. gotta add the WhiteClaw to be Murican.

Dirg: speaking of Coachella., that musical festival death of all those kids wasn't Tim's fault. you see the problem right there, doncha? Tim was playing good old-fashioned hardnosed shoeleather American music, rock, but then he transitioned into weak-wristed European electronica, that was his problem. vape doesn't kill, vape guns do. droplets do. metal. in your lungs does.

Laertus: the judge and the district attorney in this are VERY realistic. this is better than most documentaries.

Dirg: it's not that print media is dead, Tim, it's that media is fake. Martin Luther King Jr. is not just for the black man, stop hogging him, he's an inspirational figure, like Black Panther. MLK, the greatest San Bernardinoino of the Greater Los Angeles area who walked on a water fountain. we have a rat problem, and of course only the Mexican restaurant won't allow Tim to put up his campaign sign on the window. we all know Gordon Ramsay faked that rat in that restaurant...

Laertus: it's cool to see cigarette shops and the like okay the taping of campaign signs on their windows. i never knew you could just walk up to places and do that there in them.

Eye: i LOVE Terri Parks here as Toni Newman. she does a great job. seamless acting. it's all like it's really her talking naturally in real life, not a mockumentary. she's cute as a button. and her body is cute as a button.

Dirg: she's one of the few women who still looks hot with glasses. ANOTHER BEER, BITCH. i swear in the motel scene might have been the motel lighting but when she says she needs to speak to Tim urgently i saw her belly distended and thought she was pregnant. they get married later but the infatuation flirtation started here. what's with the product placement, show? you get Bud Lite to sponsor but have poor Tim drinking out of empty Rams Bud Lite cans? are you serious? you couldn't get him the Steelers Bud Lite cans?

Eye: i didn't add it up at first, when Tim talks about the one juror that hung him and let him avoid the electric chair for the electric festival, i didn't immediately realize it was Toni. the film should have played around with the audience's head and kept that secret and not reveal that it was Toni till the end for dramatic tension. let that remain a mystery longer to fester a more explosive finale.

Laertus: people would think that juror was a Russian illuminati or something. doing it for the lulz.

Dirg: fucking Gregg Turkington.

Laertus: it's weird, this movie ends up being more about Gregg than Tim. i think Gregg takes up most of the screentime here. he makes cogent points tho. this is The Shaggy D.A. in real life. Tim is a murderer who should be put down like a dog sorry honey, he just got OJ'd.

Eye scowls at Laertus.

Dirg: brave going into that Mexican barbershop and talking about the good ol' days. but it WOULD be good old days if Tim's campaign promise bore fruit for those fruits and there was 100% no crime. everyone benefits cos they wouldn't be there...

Eye: not even Little Caesars pizza can quiet Tim's outburst. the six people in the room were just there for the pizza anyway. his opponents don't turn up for the live televised CNN debate in a tiny hotel room. you know Tim was just jealous of this hotel room from his motel campaign headquarters.

Dirg: and Gregg takes that long sad walk alone at night by the neon light of a GIRLS revue sign by the highway...

Laertus: Gregg should have been eating a burger at the debate. or kissing one to really get Tim mad. get under his white-rage skin. alas, the man they call Tim wanted to be Caesar… can't be the D.A. if you don't live there, this isn't Rome...

Laertus: i love with all these movie outburst rants, the first thing that always goes in all these hotels is the gold luggage cart. shoved into the wallpapered walls and flipped over. shove it up your ass, i'm sorry, i didn't mean it, not your ass, Toni, tho i'd like to. get out of here, Toni, i need to breathe. in motel ice. i love Tim's character in this cos it comes from a place of love.

Eye: did you see Terri's face during those scenes? she was not Toni there she was Terri and she was SICK of Tim's real-life bullshit at that point! there's only so much improv you can take when it becomes Bumpian toxic masculinity and mistreatment on set and insults and vulgarity, ha! i love her so much. Tim should have chilled with a Grim cartoon during the concession with Mandy to remind him of what Toni could have been if the chaos and chairs were turned.

Laertus: would have been interesting if they had Tim actually heartfelt apologize and concede gracefully...

Dirg: Terri should play Ruth Bader Ginsburg when the time is right… a Lifetime movie or whatever......i'm not saying hoping or rooting for anything just stating facts...

Eye: in the final scene, Tim's meditation at the burnt-out scene of the crime, it should have ended precariously and wobbly so the audience doesn't know if Tim is addressing the REAL camera crew who made this film or the camera crew in the film's world. and why does Eric the interviewer go by Josh in this film? did he really need to change his name for this? did he really need to play a character? it would have been more realistic if he hadn't and just been himself in real life.

Dirg: Tim, you don't need to read a laborious tome of California code law to prep for the debate, you just need to take the Bible in there with you. g'night, folks.

Madame Pons is on a house call. with Doctor Birx. two-way zoom meeting:

Birx: oh i was so disappointed in The High Note. i thought the daughter was gonna portray her mother Diana Ross in that one...

Pons: *smiling like Cosby* right.

Birx: did you see the scarf i was wearing today? it was pretty and different, right?

Pons: right. peacocks, we get it, we get it. how may i help you tonight, sister?

Birx: i'm scared of the President. i never thought my career would be my detriment, that as a woman i would be chided for being smart and not lying. if i disagree wth Bump he yells at me like he's my daddy. i don't know how much longer i can conceal the charade with the media that there was a vaccine all along.

Pons: you need to be more assertive. you know what, i'll patch you through to a very special guest who was on this zoom the whole time, he'll tell it like it is. hi B!

Obama: Birx, listen, look at me. look at my eyes. just do what i do, when you're standing right next to President Bump, take this chance to not social distance to tell him to his face what you really think of him. next time you're in that moral quandary between public health and not getting killed look him square in his square face and say:

you are a disgrace to this country, you little faggot. you're not one of us. you're foreign. like a virus that makes once-good things bad. i hope you lose. i hope you lose yuge. you're doing a terrible job, even Jim says so. the factory workers were making fun of you with their choice of music. don't believe me? ask your Cabinet about Axl Rose...

at the first student council meeting of the year, the girls and Pat are all gathered round the round table, with Mister Flowers presiding:

Flowers: i am the teacher for this shit i mean gig. any questions for me? i'm a young Harrison Ford when i lie down and prone out on the hood of my yellow Corvette.

Julie: you have white hair and your heart is 100 years old. older than your engine. where did Kate Tempest go?

Flowers: like most women she couldn't decide. is she a brilliant spoken-word artist or a singer? is she in a one-woman band? like, she tries to sing her lyrics but it's half-singing. so i flunked her.

Julie: i WANT HER for the Orchid Club Girls!!! call me, The Tempest!

Flowers: i found a green watergun in Pat's pocket and took away that contraband! Pat is expelled!

Pat: it wasn't me. somebody planted it. this room told on me.

Flowers: shaking my head. you young people and your rush to be gangbangers. why not listen to Rush instead? shame. yes i did it i mean no i didn't.

Julie: take off your glasses. when i look into your ancient sagging tired eyes, i know that you never wanted to be a public highschool teacher. you wanted to relieve the stress in your life. YOU planted the gun, didn't you. this is YOUR watergun.

Flowers: yes. plants aren't allowed in class. even in biology. i would keep my flowers in locked cupboards and when the principal wasn't looking i'd squirt a few shots from my watergun to keep them watered and moist and deluged then close the cupboards again. it's the only beauty i see all day! not you stupid students' butts all day! i wanted to be a gardener at this school! i like to think of myself as a fertilizer of people.

Julie: plus, we got you. that anonymous porn video that's virused and sweeping the world of an unknown teacher in a sweater who has a secret rendezvous with a student in a skirt, Kate, pushes her down by the head to his dong, unzips it before entering the room of bath as he leans back and holds on with both hands to the tub-sink, that's you innit! they were making it think it was from Belgium...

Flowers: yes. bathrooms are my weakness. you won't tell the principal?

Julie reaches for Flowers's pistol.

Flowers: NOT MY DONG!!!

Julie: relax.

Julie Indian-burns the tip of the watergun and it fills with good fresh sparkling bubbly clean water and is big enough in room for all of the teacher's flowers to bloom inside that one long narrow skinny flute.

Julie: now go. go away and never darken my doorstep again. i'm the president now.

Pat: if only you could Indian-burn my reputation off.

Monday, May 11, 2020


1. how replaceable are you? Tyson bacon replaceable

2. does jealousy have value in driving humans to improve themselves or is it a purely negative emotion?

what an enticing question! on the one hand if you're jealous of a man who is married to a woman you're in love with, and that man is your best friend, things can get messy.

on the other it's that force you speak of, that primal drive, that gets you out of bed mornings so you can remake your image, to do 11 pushups on your closet bar this time instead of 10, to kiss your goldfish, to craft yourself into a better man to get what you want. that's a good thing in spurts.

then there's the whole Elon Musk thing. what's the one thing i'm most jealous of Elon Musk? his musk aftershave? his moon? his car? his flying car? marrying a pop idol? Ash? the California thing? his continental accent? no, his muscles. it's his muscles.

3. a section of your life's memories needs to be erased, which era will you elect to have erased?
a) childhood memories, age 3-12
b) teen and young adult years, 13-23
c) adult, 24-35

DEFINITELY the teen years. they swallowed me whole and spit me out, i was alone adrift by myself and my lonesome on a barren farmland with no friends nor farmers. it's a miracle i'm still here...…...blogging but still here...

all i have to live for now is nostalgia. i don't care if my childhood is ruined just get me back there. Fisher Price makes a time machine, right?

i'll never forget the conversation i had with Pasqually at Chuck E Cheese. inbetween swigs of organic beer he told me in an Italian accent,

adult isn't adult at all. adult means you can see titties. but seeing titties is the most immature thing you could do in society...

4. with no laws or rules to influence your behavior, how do you think you would behave?

another thought-provoking question! i'd like to think i'd always act the right way---there'd be a good seed growing through the cracks somewhere inside me---but what if my father were Gargamel? would i go bald as a young man? as they say, laws prevent anarchy. so is anarchy our natural state? but anarchy can't govern...

5. does anonymity encourage people to misbehave or does it reveal how people would choose to act all the time if they could?

loving these questions! let's just say civilization would look different. it goes back to what a human being really is. nature, nurture, and granola bars. i'm the only person in human history who has ever eaten a granola bar cos it tasted good. it's pretty clear anonymity has brought out the worst of us, you can hide behind that shield and spew your goo and there are absolutely no consequences. but what is the fix? censorship isn't the answer but is there such a thing as too much free speech? if you cause someone to jump off a cliff?

Elon races in with the answer: mindreading. it's a moot point we'll all be mindreading each other in a decade...

human bad? yeah looking like it...

BONUS: in the time of coronavirus pandemic, what are you rocking?---homemade face covering or manufactured mask?

cat mask. a mask with cats on it. i have to wear eye protection, too, like they do at the labs, goggles, cos the cats stretch out and scratch mornings. but my goggles fog up fast...


Friday, May 8, 2020



* Snake Mountain ain't no Regal Beagle! this ain't the fun kind of slime, this is the slime pit!

* you know what won this the $10,000? the voice.

* heads up: Nursery Crimes, why was this episode named that?...

* you're not a rock star till you have red lipsick and micro-curly blond hair on

* fooled ya, huh. you thought he really was in a rock band in front of a live audience. video game. the fact that it's a video game isn't surprising, it's that there was a live audience and not no fans and crowd-noise pumped in...

* drinking water like any responsible landlord

* Skeleton Landlord: just busting a nut on stage.
Mark: but you don't have nuts, sir, you're a skeleton...… can be disgusting as long as it's scientifically accurate...

* SL: am i cool, Mark?
Mark: of course! you have a ponytail!
SL: pause for product placement and audience cheer...
SL: you know what i mean, Mark, i'm a David Foster Wallace fan...

* Mark: they've missed rent twelve weeks in a row.
SL: how Partridge in a Pear Tree! Mark i'm a cool boss, rent forgiveness in these times. as long as i get to bone the babe.

* SL: okay, Mark, take your birthday off. take your clothes off be in your birthday suit. but you're not getting Christmas off, i'm a Charles Dickens fan cos i heard he was a dick in private like Ellen.

* there are three tenants in the window, but only two speak...

* babe: we don't have the money. but i'm that most rare creature in media, i'm a Manic Pixie Dream Girl...a GOTH Manic Pixie Dream Girl! with big tits!
SL: i swear i noticed your Depression-era Raggedy Ann freckles and puce eyeshade first.
fuckboy: tell that loser to buzz off! don't you see my Vaporwave Marcus Aurelius bust of ivory? i listened to Soft Cell BEFORE they were cool! we're REAL goths, '80s goths, we knew Robert Smith before the electrical-socket accident with his hair when he wore a white hardhat and worked in a steel mill...

* SL: can i come in?
babe: no. show canceled after 1 episode, still kept the $10,000.

* fuckboy: don't you know you have to dress cool before you can collect rent? when i went to Budapest...
SL: it's pronounced Budapesht. you can work at a bathhouse and not be gay you know...
fuckboy: you're lame. look at my vest, i'm the ORIGINAL Tiger King! i carry a bottle of Axe spray with me at all times. what are you, like 100 years old?
SL: that's the last thing my mother said to me before she lived.
fuckboy: time for our selfie shoot.
babe: do my hands look small?
fuckboy: just put them down your throat and no one will notice.

* Wolverine Broadway stage...Mr. Clean Google...Jeri Ryan's sex dungeon...cyberbrain...what will i name my band? i went to so many colleges i gotta have a cool band name by now. The Karnov Klap? let me look out my window for inspiration to find a salaryman from Japan letting a horse lick his icecream. that's not anime, that's Xavier: Renegade Angel.

* Mark: all the poop out of the room...that's a Tom Goes To The Mayor was a legal death.
SL: legal death? that can't be a thing, that would cheapen civilization. her? not him? it's okay then.

* Mark: just gotta dust off my clarinet...
SL: what's it like to cum?...

* SL: you got the stuff?
drug dealer: your voice is so shrill it shattered the car windows.
SK: i'm the first landlord in history who wants to impress his tenants.
drug dealer: WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES!!! come on, man...
SL: sorry. i don't have hands.
drug dealer: you can skip over this infomercial…
SL: rad! Gummi Berry Juice!!!

* this place is a bar/gym, BOTH things of which are not allowed.

* owner: hey everybody, this is Carl from ATHF. this is as close as you're ever gonna get...

* two three four……...that was as far as we got with the lyrics...

* the producers put that in the script just so they could splash liquid on the babe's face

* fuckboy: why do i have to wear the chain when you're the bitch?
SL: i want to get to know you better, babe, because i want those fluffy pink pants you wear, i need to hide my chickenlegs.
SL: hey, there are worse things than becoming your parents...

* SL: did you take care of it?
Mark: the virus did...

* TO MY EVERLOVING SHAME i'll never know who played the babe cos the credits type was too damn fine. as in small. that hurts. i'm gonna cry now in that small corner.

* this was good, but Kyle and Beck do it better. hell, Beef House does it better...


happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW CALIFORNIA OPENS UP!!! that's scarier than ME opening up!!! i'm scared. i ain't going out! like that! not till there's a vaccine...

Wednesday, May 6, 2020


"I hate blondes!" exclaims Julie at Don's Plum for a post-dance drink. the two are wearing their nonformal street clothes, she wears Mr. T, he wears Phylicia Rashad.

Julie: but you knew that already. i hate them! fucking hate them! the lot of em!

Pat: i did?

Julie: my song, hello? the one i gave you a mixtape cassette of under the bleachers. it's really gonna go global once i perform it at prom.

Pat: i don't want to think about prom, leave that pressure for another day. and for others.

Michael Weiss: you know if it wasn't for Michael Jordan Phylicia Rashad would not be married today. sorry for being the third wheel, but this bar is just too cool! it's swanky. gots that orange shag carpet on the walls. folding doors that look like button booths with the circular cut-in-half Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack ship's-portal ahoy window.

Pat: yeah you're right, this is the first time i've ever been to the bar section of Don's. and i couldn't ask for a prettier drinking buddy.

Julie: yeah i'll be your partner and Mike will be your sponsor when it's over.

Michael: shall i alert the barkeep we're underage? i'm undoing my tux tie my throat is on fire! barkeep, one cinnamon fireball......huh, counterboy's out cold...

Pat raises two glasses up to his chin.

Pat: what shall we toast to? wait, is this gin or water?

Julie: same thing. L.A. River, remember? but you can sure this sprig in it is the genuine article and not Hollywood-fake. plucked by my trespassing hand from a real palm tree lining Hollwood Boulevard...

Mike: one day Van Nuys Boulevard will have more gritty nostalgic charm than Hollywood Boulevard...

Pat: mmmm, minty. wait, these glasses. they're emptied Smuckers jelly jars!

Julie: that's so L.A., we killin' it.

Mike: it's rad and quaint but think about the jelly. won't somebody think of the jelly. you know? Phish needs a career, too.

Julie: i got it...… adventure. adventure lasts longer than love.

Gladyce and Doryce kiss in front of an essential worker.

Doryce: *blushes* so.

Gladyce: *blushes* so.

Doryce: i missed you.

Gladyce: me, too, dear. but that's what the Good Book says. to separate for a time so that we come back stronger. we can't get bored of each other, that would be the worst. don't worry about long vacations, we got all the time in the world.

Doryce: the Good Book being our grimoire. doubles as a cooking book.

Gladyce: how was your little solo mini-adventure?

Doryce: well it was weird. i went to the Beef House thinking this would be some salacious frat i could stick my tongue into and frisson my punana. but it was just a bunch of old ugly dudes who could barely speak. and a boy. only Tim is somewhat hot, Tim is the hunk of the group. plus he's a musician.

Gladyce: be nice, dear, not everyone has our way with spell words. you know this is the first time for me actually seeing Meadow Soprano act in something. HBO was too expensive back in the day...

Doryce: and so i left with a banana in my mouth. a banana i bought from The Store. how were Three Busy Debras?

Gladyce: *claps her hand* oh lovely! lovely ladies three! all of them supreme witch material! i did get annoyed at the all-white tho. reminded me of my goody-two-shoes cousin who lives in a Carlsbad bungalow in the desert, Glinda. i choked on her pooka shells one time. she only wears one flipflop, it's weird.

Doryce: you're just sore cos you thought you were going to Glendale...

Dirg: are the malls open yet?

Laertus: depends what you mean by "mall". smoke six feet apart. a strip mall does not house strippers.

Dirg: come on.

Laertus: oh god.

Dirg: you have to admit.

Eye Luggage: here we go.

Dirg: i mean i'm not one to make judgments. i know Biden is embarrassed by this. but it's no doubt it was him. he did it. i saw him do it. he did Sharknado...

Laertus: sigh. but welcome back, Bill Maher! welcome back to the team we missed ya! where'd you go? we thought you had defected to the other side, become one of those curmudgeons who as they get older and older age and age into an old white man finding it harder and harder not to be conservative. it's the nature of old men to conserve.

Dirg: yeah cos nobody likes an old hippie. they can't move. arthritis from dancing in drum circles.

Eye: OMG did you see Chris Cuomo's haircut! i KNEW it!!! i KNEW he was a Smiths fan! open up the circle, another Moz Army man is comin in!!!

Anderson Cooper's baby: what is your message to the country, sir.

President Bump: burp. PLAY BALL!!!

Takahashi: hey guys!!! lookie what i brought for tonight's discussion. the Taco Bell Do-It-Yourself Taco Bar!!!

Eye: oh rad! thank you, i always wanted to eat just a bowl of their beef...

Takahashi: and here for my driving partner, touring buddy, roaming Rome riding partner. not ride or die tho yet.

Laertus: how's he workin out for ya? wanna trade?

Dirg: equal. that's hard for me to say, when i look at your face, Taka.

Takahashi: here. the latest Rags comics magazine. controversial comic just the way you like it.

Dirg: i wish my father had been a cool rage comic. like Rickles.

Takahashi: anybody have any quarantine dreams or lucid nightmares?

Laertus kisses his laptop.

Laertus: open up baby, there you go, suck that power all off. i'm plugging into you. work your magic, magnetic baby, i need to cash in my dreams.

Dirg: working on a screenplay? or just a blog?

Takahashi: i was on my way to Albertine Books to pick up some French books when i saw it on their tiny black-and-white tv. the French LOVE their anime! but in the commercial, i mean take several seats, Chick-fil-A! slow yo roll, Christian. yo rolls ain't that good! it's one thing to want to help the helpers, but why you gotta shade my man McDonalds like that.

we don't just mangle our logo, we actually help people...

damn. how was your tattoo?


Dirg: hello. i'd like one tattoo please.

Ales: of what?

Dirg: i specifically stalked out a Czech artist. cos, you know. make it of a certain green cat-toy...

Ales: why the fuck would you want a permanent remembrance of the shitty time we're all having now!

Takahashi: i spent the rest of the afternoon waiting for this one to come back with our van steering wheel by watching the last two Fujiko films. brilliant stuff. but i mean that one pale dude who literally explodes not actually having intercourse with a naked Fujiko but just THINKING about fucking Fujiko.

Eye: the power of love. what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: the terraces in Louisiana. can a terrace be steel?

Dirg: it can if it's native son Steeler Terry Bradshaw.

Tyzik: trellises. trellisii?

Eye: veranda. veranda! THAT's what we need, Larry, a genuine Southern VERANDA for our Juliet + Romeo balconyplay.

Eye: Garden State and go.

Dirg: they don't make em like this no more. real movies. by which i mean you can't say retarded anymore. now when you call someone a tard it means they have tardive dyskinesia...

Eye: i wanna kiss those mouths. retarded quarterback. and i thought calling the quarterback a quarter pounder with cheese was bad...

Dirg: hey no making fun of my man Terry Bradshaw.

Laertus: Terry Bradshaw replacing Dylan McDermott in Steel Magnolias, that would have worked! i am very much inspired by this film. this film is me. this film is about Zach Braff's days in Hollywood before he made it big on Scrubs...

Eye: we need Zach Braff on the front lines now!!!

Dirg: i hear he's difficult.

Laertus: his twenties were his lost years, as are the lost years for all of us. he was lost, directionless, he had no idea what his life would be, he was adrift with no anchor but a pill bottle. i relate tremendously to that decade of loneliness...

Dirg: ...see? it's better for a man to be lonely, it says so right in the poem this film is named after. you fruits love your poetry, right? written by a marvelous man...

Eye ...before you met me. but i ain't no Natalie Portman Manic Pixie Dream Girl! i'm a real human with a real interior life.

Dirg: Dennis from AV Club is SO mad he didn't come up with that...

Laertus: Natalie Portman has nice teeth.

Takahashi: Pixi Stix for the masses!

Dirg: now Zach Braff is TOO Hollywood, do NOT mess with his car! stick to planes and cranes, hollywood boy.

Dirg: THIS IS THE FIRST-EVER CROWDFUNDED FILM!!! this movie is ours! i OWN this movie, it better be good!!!

Eye: pay attention to this opening scene in the rocking airplane, it will twin with the end later. if he hadn't made the right decision in the end he would have boarded a doomed crashing plane. hey! it's the sweet old man from The Sweet Hereafter! brilliant actor. i still can't get over that one scene from that film, it's uncomfortable for me...…...but not in the way you think...

Dirg: that Ian Holm guy should branch out and do some sci-fi and fantasy, holmes.

Dirg: this is why i don't take any drugs. cos i'm not depressed. zombies get killed first. don't inject me with anything but truth serum. is it true the Vietnamese don't eat bread? that's why they're winning the war on covid...

Eye: his father just should have told Zach,

here, son, take this and become Kurt Cobain...

Dirg: don't answer the phone, Zach, it's the government. let's not have a movie here...

Laertus: nice great Great Gatsby superhumansize fireplace. and Citizen Kane ivory swimming pool to match. oh god that leaves me in shambles, with the uncomfortableness of that accident. haunts me forever. very creative writing choice, the latch comes loose and the poor mother becomes paraplegic-paralyzed by falling back on the dishwasher door. that's the stuff of grimy household horrors. remind me, love, when we roleplay, i am always doing the dishes to save you from that horror.

Dirg: nice Batman motorbike scooter with sidecar. Natalie is wearing the same helmet Terry Bradshaw wore during his career.

Eye: i like the Natalie Portman character tho. i can relate to her, being a compulsive liar myself. where you lie even when you don't have to, i know what that's like, i can't stop myself. i don't know why i do it, i guess i'm terrified of being boring. i had my condition WAY before the President hit and came on the scene.

Laertus: just means you're a very creative person.

Dirg: Natalie would make the perfect lawyer. you do love Laertus, right Eye?

Laertus: Joisey. during The Sopranos time. i never watched The Sopranos, too expensive. hey they passed by Nice Guys High! okay this is writing gold, the Sally Struthers stuff, and peeing in the GameCube. screenplay gold. you coulda been a skater! but you were too short!

Dirg: before we start, i know you're alone with me in my room but we're not making out. typical dumb girl. and yes, OF COURSE this brooding dude SOMEHOW bumps into Natalie Portman at the doctor's office! not some rando girl but NATALIE PORTMAN!!! and yes, Zach just easily brushes her off and is content with never seeing her again after the appointment. just casually let Natalie Portman exit your life...

Eye: hey that's why we go to the movies, for the fantasy. her maintained childhood bedroom mirrors his lack of a childhood bed anymore. you know Zach and Natalie make a cute couple. they look good together, it's not just the Jewish thing. they fit well together.

Laertus: yikes. that pet cemetery. as in an actual pet cemetery not pet sematary. all those poor Hamtaros. being crushed by your own wheel, the wheel of life. there's a metaphor in there somewhere...

Eye: dead cat bounce, TERRIBLE name for that.

Dirg: ah 2004, where the only thing troubling twentysomethings was getting laid and acided in a basement. silent Velcro? omg it's McLovin!!!

Laertus: yeah i mean why the silent velcro tho? the sound the velcro makes is the best part. a piece of metal determined and doomed Zach's entire life.

Eye: i know the feeling. i never played Spin The Bottle. but i have played with a bottle...

Laertus: the cop. i thought he was the guy from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. what would be that one thing for you, Dirg. that one thing you would do that would separate you from all other men who ever roamed the Earth?

Dirg: i told the truth. the actual truth. also i can lick my own asshole, i hope to show that to my wife someday.

Laertus: Peter Sarsgaard, perfect casting. sorry for the SARS reminder. Sarsgaard for the gard in Garden State. that is noice! Desert Storm trading cards, ha! where's Anderson Cooper's baby? will Kathy Griffin babysit? speaking of babyface, omg that's Jim Parsons! this man could pass for a 12-year-old boy, how old is this dude?

Dirg: scotchgard. for your nuts. this is the real reason i had to see this, i must watch all the Medieval Times films, this and The Cable Guy.

Laertus: and to brush up on your Klingon. class reunion, are you the guy who killed himself? and Zach answers no, ha!

Dirg: that Ace Hardware store employee comes off as a loser, but he ended up marrying Christina Hendricks's tits. i sold back my GameCube for store credit, i was disgusted at how a machine so cool-looking produced such rotten games!

Dirg: who here has just seen titties? raise your hand. there you go, stop complaining! ha! now THOSE are words to live by!

Laertus: Method Man was nervous about having to say that line in front of Natalie Portman. a true Method actor gentleman rapper.

Eye: okay we must pause here at the peepshow scene and talk about it.

Dirg: oh god. here we go. but you're right.

Laertus: i think all three of us here can agree: what is heaven? what is it to each of us? Heaven is sitting alone in a darkened theatre just you with Sasha Grey---in her own private theatre, just the two of you---watching Life of Brian. it just doesn't get any better than that on this Earth.

Eye: wait, how would that work? would Natalie Portman play Sasha Grey in the movie or Sasha Grey play Natalie Portman in the movie?

Laertus: the trinket the dead mother wears the brother---sorry, i always think Zach's best friend is his brother---unearths at his gravedigger job is one of those '80s small toys with the tiny glass case with the little little silver balls that you moved around in your palm and with wrist-action made the tiny balls fall in the tiny holes. i had one of those for dexterity. too bad i'm scared to drive.

Eye: beautiful love scene. love, not sex. when they're in the decadent caramel empty tub and Zach hugs Natalie---hug her forever, never let her go, life will never get better than the warmth you feel right now. that's it, Zach, cry, and let Natalie capture your tears in a cup and drink them, that's foreplay for me, that's 2 girls 1 cup as it should be!

Dirg: i loved that scene, too. especially the snot story. instead of going to the foodbank and losing my dignity i eat snot for breakfast lunch and dinner. okay i swear to you, when Zach tells the omega man keeper-of-the-flame illuminati who lives in the quarry with his subservient wife in the rain digging for bitcoin, "I hope you find the secrets of the universe here", i KNEW he would answer back, "you, too." i KNEW that line was coming!

Laertus: shoulda found a He-Man figure in the soil. okay so they DO in fact have sex. i was beginning to wonder as it was nearing the end. but it's implied, not graphic. nice choice, Zach, i agree with that choice, make the sex subtler, smoother...

Eye: okay thank GODDESS Zach makes the right choice in the end, i was throwing my Doc Martens at the screen! he ALMOST leaves that poor girl crying at the telephone booth. in an airport no less! Tony Robbins cannot save you now, boy!!! even if he's probably a licensed pilot, too. but he does the Hollywood ending in the end. hey, fantasy, remember? what are we gonna do next? no one knows, it's scary, but that's the excitement of life. remember that line for our next pillow talk, Laertus.

Dirg: your next plow talk. nah, you want her not to be stock character, right? the fuckboy leaves her, she cries at the telephone booth awhile, but then she picks herself up by her non-hooker bootstraps, puts on some Doc Martens, and gets to work being SuperWoman thank you very much.

Laertus: homesick for a home that doesn't exist...

Dirg: good, i don't have to pack my bags.

Eye: best film soundtrack of all time?

Dirg: most indie. too bad Dolores O'Riordan will never know...…...g'night, folks...

Madame Pons: how are you coping, dear.

Taki: bread. eating lots of bread.

Madame Pons: that's not good. you're gonna contract the Quarantine Thirty.

Taki: no my diet is amazing. i eat bread.....i only eat bread...

at Don's Plum Julie, Michael, and Pat all have their feet up on the counter. with their white ridged socks all pulled up to their knees.

Michael: i guess we have free reign here, nobody's here, nobody's coming for us. don't mind me as i remove my shirt slowly and lick my chest hairs and six gold chains.

Pat shoots an ice cube into Julie's mouth.

Julie: good. but that was your 24th try. no more tray. gotta practice more, this skill is invaluable.

Pat: don't shoot any ice cubes into Julie's mouth, we need to protect this precious cargo, this valley treasure.

Michael: okay then she shoots it in my mouth.

Julie: first come up with a name. i tell my girls all the time, this is a tough business, men will take credit for your writing work. truly be a screenplay sister. think of the name of a hypothetical actress, first name and last name, a name that hasn't been seen before. it's harder than it looks or sounds. i'll start: Julie Charles.

Pat: Nikita Henderson.

Mike: Olga Cage.

Julie: alright, you win. ready?

Julie is so good she shoots it right down Mike's throat, his vocal chords become a violin and the ice cube almost chokes Mike to death. Julie in time wraps her palms and hands around Michael's neck and no CPR is required, she kisses him on the lips and he is cured, the ice cube melts instantly.