Monday, August 30, 2021



Andy Warhol is RIGHT NOW AT THIS MOMENT speaking DIRECTLY to you.

what are you going to do?

you are not crazy.

this is his list:

1. shower or bath? mikveh. i want to regain my magic like that most recent facebook commercial. i want enough centerness to enter the 12th House. this only occurs if two things happen by natural chance: your bathwater is neon blue and you use liquid Irish Spring soap bought at LUSH.

2. are you a good cook? what's your specialty?

i'll put it to you this way, Gordon Ramsay had to cook an apology brunch for my wedding guests. 

Spaghetti-Os. i cook the meatballs just right that they have that medium-rare aftertaste but not too oversecretseasoned like those Subway meatballs.

3. is there anything you regret not doing?

shoulda joined up with Andy Warhol's group when i had that Greyhound bus ticket in my hand. that's a gaggle worth dying for.

Andy Warhol: my dad wanted me to be a doctor. i did the next best thing: i stitched myself up all alone when i almost died...
me: how do you feel about the new season/movie of Venture Bros?
Andy: those two clowns owe me royalties. so does Bowie. i waited until Bowie died to collect. don't blame me, i told Lorne to cancel SNL after the first show. i don't know how you do it in this present age, can you imagine the trolls i'd get on Instagram?

4. who was the nicest person you worked for?

Scottie Pippen. he's a very nice man behind closed doors once you get to know him. just don't bring up MJ. 

JK Rowling. no, seriously. just don't bring up Michael Jackson.

5. do you play an instrument?

electric guitar. in my head. so, air guitar

BONUS: do you dream?

D'arcy: the best things in life are free...

Friday, August 27, 2021



* Svitolina is dancing to "Feels Good" by Tony Toni Tone at her wedding. on a makeshift collection of clear glass silver squares platform on top of the lobby carpet of the Sheraton. Monfils's groom dress is purple.
Svitolina: that's Elina not Elena. like my moves?
Gael Monfils: yeah what's that called?
Svitolina: the Elaine Benes.

* Gael: i never thought i'd get married, i don't have that outgoing personality.

* Radek Stepanek: i'm the Mineta of tennis.

* Radek Stepanek: i didn't join tennis for tennis. i joined tennis for babes. look at me, i have the greatest personality any man has ever had all time. 
Roger Federer: i used to be rad like you. hey buddy can i get a life transfusion from you? can you help me out?
Radek: i am no one's stepfather!

* Salinas High: we made the global news. for exactly all the wrong reasons.
Rubikon: i'm shaking my damn head. the thirstiness of the lapping desire for popularity makes one a lapdog. makes one crazy.

* Skyrizi: wait is that my daughter or my wife?

* Golden Corral: without us you'd forget what cotton candy tastes like.

* Billy Corgan: Clitoricious, the name of my band in grad school.

* Lowe's: are you a woman who wants to ride the leaf-blower pipe the way Beck does in the "Loser" video? don't worry, we no longer sell Roundup...

* Peloton: HOLD IT.........RIGHT THERE.........WITH YOUR LEGS UP.........FOREVER

* Flocus group: there are too may ads, people can't savor them. there should be one Progressive ad a year.
burnout gravelled con dad: my daughter got kicked out of the retreat.
pleasant Stepford mom: for being loud? i love when women are loud.
con dad: no for eating cookies in bed, the monks said they'd kick her out of bed for crumbs if the cookies were Oreos which have the Satanic cross carved in them.
Flo: awkward...

* facebook: screw it, let's talk long as we all agree that astrology is a bogus science.
curly man in silk Three's Company muumuu: my ex is dating a Pisces. so screw it let's talk manifesto uh manifesting.
warmline: you okay there, buddy?
curly: let's talk chakras.
curly: let's talk 12th House.
Jeff Goldblum: i can get you into Room 6G by the Hudson in NYC by business tonight.
man splayed out on hood of car: NOT LEFT! UP!
henna woman: you need a cleansing ritual, a mikveh bath.
curly: yeah but how do i do that wiccan floating?

* curly: this bath's not blueifying my magic, IT'S SUCKING MY SOUL OUTTA ME!
curly: i was thinking more like i'd start painting clouds.
Madame Pons: can i interest you in a LUSH lifetime leash i mean lease?

* curly: my ex just called me simple, is there a Mereology facebook group?...

* Expedia: we'll give ANYONE a covid vaccine. we'll go ANYWHERE on the globe to administer the shot. even in space.........oh screw it who are we kidding humans are dumb.

* Taco Bell Toasted:
man: i spent all the money i saved my whole life to buy a house on this gaming chair, but it's still a better bed than i had before.
nerd at pool party by the marble statue: can i stay awake? this is the first time i've been near a naked woman in two years.
woman in bed: u up? uup? i got a package? oh a UPS package. i'm ghosting you you ain't my ex you could be ANY Kyle.
Taco Bell: of course this commercial would be moot if we just decided to serve breakfast all day...

* Taco Bell Toasted: we don't look like dicks. sleep is for the weak.

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: the new Sourdough Star at Carl's.

i WOULD happily try the Toasted Burritos from TB but apparently that's just a rare breakfast foodstuff. that they stop serving at 3:53 AM. that's okay i got a toaster at home...


Wednesday, August 25, 2021


Cotard: you often speak of valor. nobility. but you were blind to your own power. that's the thing with power, it's self-limiting, never allows one to see beyond himself.
Codrus: or herself?
Cotard: Fuerza ain't coming.
Codrus: yes she is. Ye says so.
Cotard: you missed the one in the crowd in your arrogance, didn't kiss him. you couldn't spot him, cos he was as ordinary as what an MMA dubs average. but i was right there. under your chipped Roman nose. i was he, the Burmese boy, the boy from the land of Burma, of waterfalls acid from war, of flowers smelt of tar. it only smells sweet in the afterlife. in the heavy hereafter. 

Cotard: they say a song is a wondrous thing, a miracle. it consists of twelve tones, you know there are only TWELVE notes in ALL of music, you use these 12 notes to create ALL music, all harmonies, all bridges. 
Codrus: what an industrious implement! or rather a self-limiting one.
Cotard: on this day i have created the perfect song. as i blow my own flute. it reverberates through the ages, a clarion call to freedom, real freedom not media freedom. it started out as a reggae song of course, but it morphed into something even more universal. it became an opera song, for opera is the best way for a human to regain their voice again, to learn to BREATHE again after the ravages of covid. to learn to LIVE again after passages and vocal airways have clogged from talons of temperature and tests. and terrible time. 

Codrus: covid? you speak of the permanent virus through all of time. named after me.

Cotard: i have rallied the troops with my song, an army of heart defeats an army of the world. good defeats a global army, and we have won this day, we have defeated you.
Codrus: whatever. i still got my driveway. 

Danny DeVito: don't eat Oreos.
The Penguin: cos of the Satanic cross carved in them?
Danny: no cos they taste disgusting. too creamy for my tongue.

Sonya Curry: i TOLD you you should have tried the new steak seasoning!

The Pope: i've read the Jewish bible. it's a page-turner. i'm thinking what the cover of the book would be to sell more copies. we don't want to promote war anymore, we're sick of war, so i'm thinking a burning bush. not a yeast infection, a nice soft fuzzy Harlequin romance cover. with a rabbit.

Jo Martin: but I was the first black Doctor Who!
Whoopi Goldberg: but I'M Doctor Who, i'm the REAL Doctor Who tho. i was the real Doctor this whole time, couldn't you tell? i have the perfect voice for narration.

Hugh Jackman: do you reminisce, mother?
Hugh Jackman's mother: what? stop jacking off!
Hugh: remember?
Hugh's mum: you were a handful growing up. you cut me with your claws when i cut your meat.
Hugh: all is forgiven, mom. if you transform into the Dark Phoenix when i need you.

Cyndi Lauper: my boyfriend in "Time After Time" wears the '70s tight long bluejeans and the chapeau paperboy hat from Hair.

Boc: in the still of night give your lawn just a hint of grapefruit soda. it deserves dessert, too.
Cotard: it's not a sticky pill.

White Nancy: the first female bishop

Japan: on this country's lush Victorian hills men of culture shake it like a polaroid picture. 
Spock: that was me on bassoon clarinet.

Dirg: i've been banned to Block Island.

Gladyce: The Store is a cool place to work. both meanings. it's nice and cool in there.
Doryce: gotta love the oldtimers. all the old men and women who go inside without masks.
Doctor Who: Oldtimer is an anagram of Time Lord.

Laertus: your worldbuilding is World of Warcraft. my worldbuilding is Everwood.

Woody Allen: i spent so much time writing characters behaving exactly how i wanted them to that i never learned how to interact with real people.

lobster: we were once fed only to prisoners. where do you think all those files came from?
David Pajo: i'm a prisoner inside my own heart. i need another, flanging or no flanging.

Dirg: that lady on Instagram, she is not having a good time. she is not living her best life, she needs a flanger finger. you can tell her smile is forced, it's all the same forced smile in all her pics.

Melissa and Chad: eh we're sawry. but come on we're free and loose in Canada. the border is open and wide, a few cannabis cupcakes crept into our garden undeterred and undetected, we thought they were weeds and blessed them.

Block Island: of course the aliens landed here, nobody knows about this most private place in the United States. the space aliens that is.
Takahashi: still has a McDonalds and a Starbucks.

Boc after watering the lawn lands on his wet knees, closes his eyes, prays his hands, and wears a fez in honor of Fez Whatley.

Endeavor from My Hero Academia: call me Norman Lear.

Prudence Farrow: i was the wild child of the family, take a moment to think about that, let that sink in. i inspired the Sgt. Pepper's cover.

Dershowitz: CHILL, MAN! we're in Chilmark.
Larry David: that's MY line, pal!
Dershowitz: is this an SNL skit you're doing? i'm helping Pence lose weight.
Larry David: this is a sacred place. it's the place of The Angel Gabriel playing handball with a red ball. it's the caves of the origin of the Stones.
Billy Corgan: my mom's buried here at sea.
Larry David: please leave this place.
Dershowitz: why are you so mad at me?
Larry David: I HATE TRADER JOE'S!!!!!!!!!!

the Field of Dreams tv series: we're Party of Five meets A League of Their Own.
Debra Winger: not on my watch! besides, there are nine players on the field not five.
the Field of Dreams tv series: we're Everwood meets Major League...

The Midnight: Hazel Hawkins Memorial where our sax is.
cat familiars: we weren't on the plane.

Billy Corgan: Fluffy Buttocks, that was name of of my band in college.

Queensryche: "Out of Mind" clearly is a serious song about a psych ward, a musical meditation. but as you're singing the lyrics it's hard not to laugh.
Michael Stipe: ...
Geoff: first shot of the "Anybody Listening" music video i look like a gorgeous woman with big tits in a huggy black cocktail dress.

Siskel & Ebert in Heaven:
Siskel: Roger, look ay my hippie hair, wanna grow your hair long like i'm doing?
Ebert: no, Gene. almost but no.
Siskel: thought that was something we could have done together to bring us closer in Heaven.

Mardith: is it weird when a store tells you you're pretty on Instagram?
Madame Pons: not at all, LUSH does that all the time to strangers.

Clarissa Ward: name the award for me, the Ward Award. wards off evil spells.

Pat: i'm watching The Chair and getting sweaty unnervy Princeton flashbacks.

Ireland: green but not orange.
India: both.

Doryce: dear is that mashed potatoes and a stick of butter or kona pie in that huge tub?
Mardith: pie.
Doryce: my favorite. 
Gladyce shaking her bum in a grass skirt: hella hula!

Dr George Huang from SVU: like my David Bowie 'do?

Gov Cuomo: i am SO pissed off that on my last day i have to deal with a hurricane...
Celine: you are NOT welcome in France!

Emma Raducanu: you forgot about me. you thought i only existed in the Wimbledon air. my eyes zoned out and made of nothing. only in one zone. not beyond the bounds of the strawberry seeds. my house made of lawn, i couldn't leave the Wimbledon grounds. i was a ghost.

Chloe Frayne: I am why poetry is back popular.

apartment in Berkeley right next to campus on Telegraph Avenue: i took on a moss of Moor and Tudor. it was like if Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe had a baby.
ipad mini: who am i? a piece of spotted dried-asphalt chip charcoal roof shingle?
apartment: no, you're my entire world. my entire life in a black square.
prom photo album: you have to wonder about all these dates who took all these Hollywood celebrities to the prom, where are all of these girls and boys now? and are all of them kicking themselves?

disc jockey: can i buy a house with socialist bitcoin?

Henri: i want FAA to win the tennis U.S. Open...

Jennifer Lopez: you gotta be cold-hearted if you want to find love in this world.

Codrus: you live in a world where Susan Sarandon can't find companionship. i mean what's the point?
Cotard: will you be my traveling mate, Codrus?
Codrus: don't have a choice, we're fused at the hip spiritually.
Cotard: consider us lucky, billions don't have that.

Jil Teichmann: i'm gonna do what Federer never could.........and what Genie Bouchard never could.

Pam Shriver: i am DEFINITELY the WTA logo.

Ochaco vomiting in an army plane: i watched a lot of Gravity Falls.........hence the name Uravity.

Catullus: i was Obama before Obama.

Jennifer Connelly: why does the girl on the Labyrinth poster look like Salma Hayek and not me?

Mike Richards: what am i gonna do next? NFL referee.

Gladyce to Doryce: dear when you're taping the holes of your toes on your socks up, be sure to use mailing tape not double-sided tape.

Sergio Giorgi: right now i'm between jobs. i need something weird, i cannot stand for normalness. should i coach Djokovic? i was kicked out of the Muppets.

Tom Cruise: you wish you watched all of my films again fresh for the first time.........but especially Magnolia.

Pat: yeah, Princeton couldn't beat the inmates either...

Lorne Michaels: why were you always on my ass? like a rider.
censor: buddy without me, SNL would have been yanked off the air after the first episode! the stuff you were trying to get away with back then was crazy!
Lorne: did you at least in private laugh at our skits?
censor of course. i am human.
Lorne: you were the only one who ever found our television show funny.

Doryce: is Obec a city or a village?
Gladyce: it's an enclave, dear.

Catherine Ramen: i still couldn't do Naruto's voice. that was left up to a very special woman.

Brecon: for Decepticon breakfast

Jago: i am not a jagoff. i'm the reason there's love, women, and religious spirituality in the world.

Gladyce: junk hunk? bad boyfriend?
Doryce: no, 1-800-JUNK junkman. very muscular.

Mardith: a senorita does not have seniority...

Justin Long: are you strong?
Cecily Strong: no i'm long. 
Justin Long: sorry, babe, i'm taken.

Mardith: for girls it's quite easy. without saying a word simply post an Instagram pic in your DMs of you staring at the camera and lifting your tits.

bozone layer: the Trader Joe's ozone layer

Sve: that was FM-84's first song

Brecon McDonalds: where all the bacon is being held. come in for the porridge!

Laertus kisses his HP laptop.
Laertus: don't worry my baby, it just needs some time. give it some time, just give it a minute. it needs to warm up, give it 30 minutes.

Jonah Hill: the surfboard at times gets a bit wobbling...

Trent Reznor: wow that was bad. you know what? i'm gonna go back to my previous project, i was trying to rework the Simpsons theme song...

Hartlepool: the best plunge

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Kyojuro: my death scene in Mugen Train played out like an episode of thirtysomething.

Eye: Hair and go.
Oliver Stone: Hair was exactly like my Platoon. Platoon is a musical when you think about it. i think a lot but i'm not crazy.

Dirg: oh, so this is about Biden's botchjob in Afghanistan?
Eye: i need to get my hair did.

John Savage: everyone mistakes me for Jon Voight. Jon Voight was never this skinny.

Treat Williams: i've only done this and Everwood. pretty good career. i was named after a candy bar.

Beverly D'Angelo: did it seem to you like i didn't really want to be in this movie? i thought i was gonna be naked on stage not in the water.

Annie Golden: i'm that girl you saw one time on Facts of Life.

Dorsey Wright: sorry but white women are irresistible. Bill Cosby called me up in my trailer and in my taxi to complain. i should have landed the Warriors job.

Nell Carter: everyone knows me from tv, they have no idea i was a singer. they think i sold vacuums and fishtanks.

Ellen Foley: i've done this and Night Court. pretty good career. 

Charlotte Rae: i actually had no lines. i tried to sing but...
Milos Foreman: came out as you worrying like Olive Oyl then fainting. 

Michael Jeter: i am now Derek's father.

Rubikon: hold up hold up. the woman who sings "Age of Aquarius" and Hud's fiancee, they deserved to be big stars, they should have won Tonys and replaced Julia Roberts and Kate Hudson for us. Hud for Hudson. not to mention the Vietnamese singer who belted out a new one, that was historic.

Princess Anne: I HAVE BREAKING NEWS! DIANA IS ALIVE! in all our hearts. i was with her when we both got up on stage and danced completely naked in the crown-british local Manchester production of this musical. nude as a jaybird! atta girl! see? that was the ONE time she showed up the Family and was FREE! her life would have been so different if she had become an actress. for my part i was never the same after Hair, my ugly hair was allowed to grow long...

Claude's dad: here's some money for strippers. or to help a stripper. if you run into Charles in New York shank him.

Laertus: this was the classic Americana scene where the cowboy from Oklahoma travels on a bus to his destiny of decadence. his destination of sin in the big city.
Axl Rose: i did this in real life.

Mardith: we need an Age of Aquarius NOW!
Dirg: like a climate-change flood?

Laertus: without Hair there would be no Sesame Street.

Sheila: i don't have short hills. think of me more as sodomy. gotta remove the pedo line from the song nowadays. 

Uncle Sigh: was not expecting all the horse stuff in Hair.

Treat: pee on the princess.

Rubikon: props. they went for it here in this song. they didn't hold back on the racial epithets.
Milos Foreman: the Roman Polanski line didn't age well. he was my friend, OKAY?!!!

Fuerza: Claude is me? brilliant chap! that explains everything.

Sia: i'm loving the chandelier song!
Laertus: man Sheila's father is a fucking asshole. i mean at least let the hippie SPEAK!
Eye: at least let him talk edgewise.

Treat: i got nothing. i believe in nothing. humans' true religion is nihilism. it's rough out there in the city. tough for atomless gunk. and the country. my moms and pops want me to get a job. they want me to get haircut. but all i've got is my hair to my name! it's mine and i'll style it as i please!

Elvis: i coulda been a judge...

Dirg: stealing cars is lame, get your own car. whoa! this is getting satanic, there's a lot of Enigma candles and ladies floating on clouds of invisible air everywhere.

Claude: i was an idiot not to marry Jeannie! Afghanistan has proven war is worthless. a useless utility. tool of he tyranny. why die for anyone else? once you're dead nobody cares about you.

Claude: why'd you do that? that was mean to Sheila.
Berger: hey man, fuck her and everything but i eat the rich.

covid: personal vs. communal responsibility, sound familiar?
hippies: hence the commune.

Mardith: oh i'm LOVIN' the celebration of interracial love!
Dirg: please tell me you didn't have Rubikon.

Laertus: o this is old skool! that's what you had to do, strip in front of the board to prove your warness. i'd be okay with it if the entire board started singing about boys. you feelin' patriotic, Dirg?

Hud's fiancee: you going to Nevada? what the fuck is in Nevada?
Hud: Nevada was the Arizona of the '60s.

White Diamond: hello, starlight. welcome to the base. wanna go bowling?

Berger in the Firebird: come on, man, let us through, we just want to start a fire. campfire, campfire.
Milos: how did i film the car scene? that was crazy! i did it all in a real moving car!!!

Sheila at the bar: you know what burns more calories than basic training? sex. i think it's real sexy when an officer wears an underwear uniform. you're cute, you look like Quark.
drunk-on-love officer: Ferengis are real. classified top secret.

Treat: so i'm marching to my death. i'm boarding a plane that will take me to a place where i'll get shot for no reason. but i'm protected cos i'm God. um, hey, can i get a waiver cos the drill sergeant is my father?...

Fuerza: the flesh is weak...

Claude: BURGER!!!!!!!!!!.........i was hungry.

Claude: this is so sad. i was meant to die under a bathroom stall at school.
Treat: i'm not meant to die! i'm a doctor! i save MY life and the life of Stephanie Niznik.
Hud: good, you have her, cos let's be real here, the baby is obviously mine.

Trent Reznor: i was named after a candy bar...

Davy Jones: i was the other member of the group...

peace flag: we're peacin' at a peace-in. g'night, folks, peace.

LET THE SUNSHINE IN!!! LET THE SUNSHINE IN!!! not orange sunshine.
Jimmy Carter: darn. 

Dirg: WHOA! is that a Confederate flag i see in the crowd!!!?
Milos: yeah, think about it, i was trying to show a scene in which ALL the tribes of humanity come together for this one glorious purpose of peace. imagine that. we still had dreams back then. of big things. of hard things. of new-agey Aquarius things. g'night, folks. dream.

Laertus: this goes out to all the OLD hippies. never lose faith! when a beautiful old soul like Kylen can be murdered simply because she wore her hair in braids and wore horoscope tattoos and wore a yellow flower in her braids. simply because she was old. simply because of lesbian love. stay strong people, one day we will achieve the dream, of this play, play will become reality. one day we will have an Earth free from disease. g'night, folks, peace forever, hope. HIPPIE HOPE. 

Laertus's dad: Head of the Class. remember that episode? when the class did Hair. that was the first time for me hearing "Let The Sunshine In", i didn't have any context for it back then tho. i do SPECIFICALLY remember the scene where Brian Robbins says:

hey teach! you gotta get naked if you wanna do Hair, right?

Dan Schneider: are you planning on beaning me with that baseball, Mr. Moore?
Brian Robbins: you're lucky i looked out for you at Nickelodeon, Dan.
Charlie Moore: i love how i left all you geniuses and my life as a teacher for an acting gig. AN ACTING GIG, BABY!!! don't worry i won't end up like Spalding Gray...

Brian Robbins: i really took my acting gig to heart, i became a genius in real life. just one bout of IBS. i climbed the rungs to executive as fast as i could, i got ahead quick, couldn't have any friends. i wasn't gonna be another washed-up actor, i knew executive was where the real power was. the rest of the cast on that show went on to become big Broadway stars.........i think.

class: come on, Mr. Moore, we know where the real money is! Broadway!

Brian Robbins: i got my feet wet, i self-analyzed, i freethought, i didn't harm Shamu, and that little girl who was in our class was fucking weird.

Laertus's dad: i swear, i'd give up EVERYTHING for one chance to be in a production of Hair, just ONCE. i'm ready. no i'm not an exhibitionist i just want to act! i missed my chance in Calcutta. i wanna lick the same stageboards Uta Hagen licked!

later that night Laertus's dad does not realize his dream of being in Hair. cos he can't sing. but he does lick the floorboards cos he's crazy. and they do allow him in the Bosun's chair to swing for awhile. and he does, in a way, become part of the Hair cast as he's invited up on stage for the final number, "Let The Sunshine In". Laertus's dad dances the night away with the mix of cast crew and crowd. he dances on that stage at 3:53AM when everyone else has long gone home. the audience becomes the watched.  

boy soldier: you have lost. do not be fooled by my uncertain expression on my face, i am merely curious of the world as i travel it not puzzled by it. no matter how long you stay i will be here with my spear. this land is my land, this land is not your land. this land is FREE! the MUSIC makes it free! this is my MYANMAR!!!!!!!!!!

the boy soldier with the permanent tan and feather in his headband morphs back into Cotard.

Codrus looks up. Codrus looks at the cracked and shattered driveway by his stone cathedral. 

Codrus: it was cracked for a reason. the driveway was meant to be the roof to my stone house. that way i could let the Spirit of mom in.

but Fuerza remains silent. the night is silent. black. soaked in. Fuerza is nowhere in this land. no wind no frost no fire. just the silence of a thousand suns.   

Friday, August 20, 2021




* Kerri Green: the film Lucas didn't use any Lucasfilm. it was just a brilliant little tiny indie slice-of-life that was so brutally honest about public high school it had the patrons in the theatre peeing themselves to get out Exorcist-style.

* LeVar Burton dons his visor in the Jeopardy Studios, slides it on over his eyes and looks at the lights.
LeVar Burton: life is a sueno.

* Nine Inch Nails: just call us Rafael Nadal.

* Mardith: i've got to stop ordering the Chipotle gooey melty nacho cheese in a cup from GrubHub. for both reasons.

* Mike Richards: i'm bad. but don't confuse me with Michael Richards.
Michael Jackson: ...
ScarJo and Colin: ...

* the crones' precious delicate ears are harried mercilessly by the noise of car-show burning-rubber. Gladyce gingerly walks outside the front step of the Treehouse.
Gladyce: soft top?
Doryce: no, dear, you won't find any of those in that peloton, it's just roadsters. come inside and see my date.
Gladyce: but that's a genealogy website.
Doryce: i know but the man helping me was so cute over the phone-internet he's my boyfriend now.
Bama, watching: he's a cool guy. he's on top most of the time but he's gentle.

* Peloton: we'll roll out the red carpet for you. this is as close as you'll ever get to living out your Hollywood dreams. your dog needs to work out, too, he's fat!

* Angi: take a bath with us. and you'll look like your longhair golden retriever.

* mom: these ripped jeans cost more than the non-ripped jeans.
dad: same as it ever was. Miller's Outpost in the '80s mall next to the Sbarro.
Popeye: ...
mom: Powerpuff Girl throw pillows?
dad: what's Powerpuff Girls?
mom: is it too early to send our kids to college? i want to get rid of them as soon as possible.
kid on the street skateboarding: wanna go to the prom with me?
girl on rollers: ask me again in 10 years. by then i'll be long gone away at Mount Holyoke. but keep wearing that Vaporwave shirt, that'll serve you well in the future.

* Allstate Waves:
crabs: we are being forced against our will to do the Wave in these cages...

* Kaci Beeler: FREE DOMINOES!!!
neighbors: fleas in the pizza?
Kaci: want pizza paid for by the company?
neighbors: we only like lava cakes. the cheesy bread is nasty.
Kaci: do you know Matthew Broderick? hey can you do my hair like that? can i have the black recycling cart? thank you, i've never touched the tiny cute little black recycling cart, they never gave me one in my neighborhood, can i just touch one and roll it around the block a few times, i wanna feel the touch of it, i wanna rub its underbelly.

* Kia Telluride Nightfall:
Link: Nightfall, sounds like a big bad boss battle. Telluride, a beautiful ancient Hylian name. i am not attracted to Linkle, in fact she makes me wanna tinkle. i built the best-ever hang glider but unfortunately it was sewn together from my dirty underwear and the stain spots destroyed the sun.

 * Steph: Subway, where you can only get the secret sauce when you order the nasty steak sandwich.

* teacher: teacher fuel, it's not coffee, it's apple juice. i wear bunny slippers to school so the students think i'm fun. but not too fun or it becomes a Lifetime movie.

bag: everything i own is in this bag, steal it so i don't have to go to school.

ginger: Gap at Home is my revenge. i do hospital corners faster than anybody but the army discharged me for having red hair. said i needed to BE in a hospital not work in one.

teacher: these are my Three's Company shoes...

girl at bus stop: want an Oreo? it's milk's favorite cookie.
boy at bus stop: how do you know? did you ask milk yourself? i'm lactose intolerant. and intolerant.

teen: if i buy ALL the aftershave on the shelves, will i FINALLY get a prom date?
Doctor Who: the answer is no. you watch me on Saturday nights i mean Sunday nights.

mom painting son's nails: you'll be the only boy with nails did in your class, you're gonna grow up to be a rock star!

mom fixing son's fro: don't let the bullies tease you, you tell them when you grow up you're gonna be in Coheed and Cambria. and then your father will come in the powder-blue Mustang at 3 and beat up your whole class. Catholic God doesn't exist but your father does. 

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Taco Bell flatbread. how can flatbread be both flat and loaded? next time you go to a Taco Bell ask for the manager and explain this conundrum to him.

Wednesday, August 18, 2021



Wrexham: so yeah mate suddenly we have a Hollywood sign planted on our property. it's not a prop it's real! came into us like a ghost in the night. like one em Clint Eastwood salt pillars.
Deadpool: sorry about the extra salt in the food. i went to get the chimichangas and the coal locals called me gacho. i was just trying to brighten their day with my life.

first show back at the SNL Studios, first episode of the season is the Thanksgiving Special, first Weekend Update of the season:
Che hugs Colin then quickly replaces his chair with a chair Whoopi Goldberg is sitting on, Colin lands on her lap and tumbles over.
Whoopi: i'm Tuca for Season 3.
Che: BIG CONGRATS, MAN. wow! well, now it's official. it's not Instagram official it's OFFICIAL official. you're having a baby! with ScarJo!
Kramer: can i come back NOW? can i come back to this desk i owned, THIS Desk in the '90s, i got some new material for these times...
Pete Davidson: i mean i had sex with Phoebe the end that's all that really matters.

Dirg: they said they would only administer the vaccine needle in my taint.

Gladyce: i was SO THIRSTY this morning! i drank that cup of coffee like it was a voracious beast! like i was swallowing a mug of shark! i ate that drink. my lithe fainty body was so longing to be caffeinated it looped in circles above the gazebo.
Doryce: chocolate coffee-creamer? what's the point? it's not coffee anymore it's melted chocolate.
Paula Creamer: ...
Paula Creamer: i'm starring in the next Pink Panther movie...

Codrus: HERE THE TRAIN COMES!!! is it a ghost train? i don't need friends! is it a spirit train? i invented religion! a bullet train? i got a Cyndi camper for that!
Cyndi Lauper: leave me out of this! you deliberately gave me bad skin!
Codrus: shampoo.
Cotard: no, brother, the conductor of this train is none other than Mugen himself!
Mugen from Samurai Champloo: hey.
Codrus: you don't seem so tough, you're a pocket in a thin frame. 
Mugen: whatever. the supplies are in the back. the supplies which will turn the tide of this war...

Martin Gore: don't be scared of my hair. vote for my face not my hair. shake the disease as you would a polaroid picture. they call me The Blond Cure. with a dash of Freddie Mercury in the pot to taste of course. a seasoning of salt. ya dig? understand me?

Kevin Costner: derecho. if you build it i will speak Spanish. gotta kiss my ring before you play ball on THIS field.

Codrus coughs quietly.
Cotard: whooping cough? there's a vaccine for that.
Codrus: will dry my mouth like a Filipino volcano evacuation conducted by the U.S. army.
Cotard: will feel like a sprinkle in your throat.

Lucia Lodge: the only football Charlie Brown ever kicked is cased behind glass here. Lodge Landlord Lucio Rossi is my best friend of all time ever.

Mystic Meg: this is what happened to Wednesday Addams...

Dirg: you have to watch out with this food, it's either sweetbread or gizzard.

Simone Veil: no masks for women here. i learned mysticism from my sister, my mysticism trumps your hate.
Gladyce & Doryce: two proper crone clones! we've never worn masks.
Simone Weil: the sex with Bukowski was kinky as all get out. that man was wild sober.

Avalon Harmonia: hello. i will be your new LUSH shoppe countergirl. i am not played by Susan Saint James. i also man the IFC Messageboards.

Brad Pitt: i don't want any bugs to be zapped. i love all animals. don't want ANY insecticide dumped in your pool. i did this BEFORE Angie.
Angi: want our list? of the best Spagos in L.A. to hire a plumber when it rains. 
Mario: Spago named after spa. there's a spa in there everytime it rains.

Calquence: Berkeley frappuccino. tiny orange fruit

Gila Golan: i got a longer tongue than Gene Simmons. do not name the War after me. i'm the real Wonder Woman. i got the hills first. i'm Wonder Woman in real life.

Welcome To Plathville: there will not be any footage of ovens.

Trent Reznor: Cyndi Lauper? yeah we had a fling in the '80s. in a silver Coors-Light bullet-camper in the woods surrounded on all four corners of a circle by a bed of autumn leaves.

Dirg: there's always the one on the boat who wears the anime-newspaper shirt and ruins it for the rest of everybody else us.

Tyler Lyle: Hell Toledo! next time Tim will introduce my smoking hot Indian wife, she's the main singer not the backup singer. introduce her at the end of the show in San Diego. how do i maintain my mellifluous voice? i drink a lot of Hi-C.
Tim  McEwan: your voice is Beauty. my synthesizer is Truth. the electric guitar is Search. the electric drum is Rescue. i manage Brentford as a sideproject. i am Kierkegaard reincarnated disproving his theory.

Dirg: why do the trashmen make it so hard for me to save the planet? i want to recycle! but you can only do it at 3:53 AM on Fridays.

Laertus: i always immediately tune out when i'm reading a piece of poetry and politicians is a word used in one of the line-stanzas.
Shakespeare: thank goddess my sex nausea waxes. otherwise i'd never get any folio work done!
Celine: right? mine wanes, unfortunately. gotta do the dirty with unsavory boys who are flakes at least once a business week. but i was still able to pen a diary during my copulation that was published.
Shakespeare: there are periods when all i think about is fucking like ducks. thank dark energy those periods break like a fever, abate like acid in air. and i can write a sonnet again.

Glenn Frey blowing his own sax: when i was doing "You Belong To The City" was i thinking of Freddie Mercury? of course i was, another one bites the dust on the lonely streets just before Blade Runner when the candlelight's on a timer. put that egg bite in my coffee.    
The Midnight: that sax sounds familiar. that's our sax. and this is somehow our taxi, too.

Dirg: why does everybody make such a big deal about their birthday on Instagram?...

Takahashi: when you find out after spending 10 years with the same bunch of guys online on the anime messageboards they all turned out to be alt-right incels...

Melbourne: a beat-up Dodge junkhead grey roadster with one white racing stripe, gotta love Obec.

Mr. Clean: i may be fat now but my teeth are so white they don't need the Unicorn scrub-pad.

Scappa: the school cappuccino that turned me into an atheist

Una Stubbs: no i am not sketch. i am ANYTHING BUT sketch. i'm a national treasure. i died when i stubbed my toe on an English garden...

Dog The Bounty Hunter: i'm a huge Depeche Mode fan. everyone has another hole to feed. until it gets bountied.
cat familiars: Bounty quicker-picker-upper? we vomit a lot, that's what it is to have cats.
Dirg: spare me that sheet of drugs, slip it to me under the stall.
Freddie Mercury eating a hot dog: me, too.
George Costanza's mom: me, too. people don't remember but i was married to Puddy the whole time on the show.
Elaine Benes tonguing George: this is for Pretty Woman, you got me hot there.
Tim Heidecker shaking his head: i was trying to recreate the Mighty Boosh Crimp scene.

Asta: the new intro is sounding quite like a certain Power Rangers theme song. makes sense, our magic, their Mystic Force.

Michael Weiss growing out his beard again: Instagram is just a place for bootycalls...

Michael Weiss: my one-man show on Broadway will directly follow once Bruce is done, no cover, doors at 7.

Boc: Pak-A-Sak, my new nightclub casino. i've been missing Monte Carlo.

John Ritter: i compose classical music on the side...

Seth Green on a surfboard: the Unconsciousness Razor, it's like Occam's Razor with drugs.

Nancy Griffith: yeah everyone talks about existentialism on prom night but i actually experienced it. i live it again and again.

Pat Hitchcock: Encino is good. but Thousand Oaks is Shangri-La. i lived in a small mansion nestled by gates and birds.
Alma Reville: i made the flapper hat look GOOD. 
Takahashi at the Thousand Oaks McDonalds: why do people leave bad reviews here? you're living in paradise, you're living in Los Angeles, be happy.
Madame Pons in the top-down Firebird waving: come on Taka dear, we're gonna be late to the Melody Theatre.

The Crab Bucket in Seaside: is it human nature to hold others back?
Laertus: i get the whole bib-with-the-lobster-on-it aesthetic. but i've never been into seafood.
Billy Corgan: i patrol down there twice or thrice on weekends to make sure David Pajo doesn't come in for lobster.

John McLaughlin: remember when politics was fun?

Mayim Bialik: pardon me, i have to sonder in the Joshua-Tree caves for a day. everyone get the vaccine i'm so happy right now!

Jim Cantore: i remember that hurricane. that one was my white whale. i sang to it as i mounted it with my cowboy hat on yelling yippee! as i smacked its wave ass. 500 millibars, never seen anything like it before or since. 

High Guardian Spice: Stephen Universe? the boy? no we're more like Dune...

Sting: my song "When We Dance", good for men who are shy with words, can't express emotion to their lady, how they really feel. don't say a word, just pop this music video in the VCR and show her.
Kurt Cobain: thanks...
Dave Grohl: it's the perfect wedding video.
Sting: slip this to her. post this to her as a secret song and let her decipher the lyrics.

Johnny Manziel: the news says Gen Z is struggling. i got news for them: i'm Johnny Manziel.
Joe Namath: ...

Phoenix: Valley of the Sun? i like rain.

Codrus: ajvar is my favorite food. 
The Turin Horse: ...
Codrus: aye aye, Captain My Captain. this spread does everything, it's the captain of her heart, Fuerza's heart. run out of spaghetti sauces to try? eat me! keep the door ajar so the whole village can watch.
Cotard: you always descend into food when you're losing the moral high ground in a war.

Ferragosto: less scary than Midsommar. time for lighthouse games!

Boc: i thought i was being playful. i thought i was being fun. i sprayed the GrubHub lady with water as she approached the driveway. she did not like that much. there's no aqua appreciation outside Atlantis. i like my fast food wet. oh, remember to water your shed roof. a little juice, spritz up top there, everyone neglects the shed roof. everyone forgets to feed it water.

DoorDash hangs up when it realizes the driveway belongs to Codrus...

Yukihisa from Fena: my beard is more like my mask.
Karin: i'm the good karen. the shipwright karin. it's like the Goonies submarine in the Robin Williams Popeye cove.

Alex Trebek: my last appearance was in virtual reality.........i'm screwed.

Laertus to Dirg: i got you a little something for back-to-school. it's Crayola Colors of Kindness...

Melbourne: the car-show noise does disrupt the holy silence of nature tho.

My Hero Academia: in four months.........Christmas is ruined.

Aeon Flux: i wish the back of my eye was eyelashes. the back of my eye is flies!

Major Motoko Kusanagi: have you ever noticed that the best voice actresses are also the best singers?

Aldon Jacob: i was that unknown lukewarm kid, that slight Filipino boy you went to Palma with. went unnoticed for four years. little did you know i had a goddamn golden booming voice in my throat. would end up doing traffic reporting in a pod booth when i grew up. i got a spine, i got a wife. you didn't dim my Hawaiian light i'm at Round Table being happy this one day watching the game with my friends. i'm doing video game and anime voiceovers next, bitch.

Dirg: the worst is when you have to translate a Serbian quote that's in Hindi.

Dirg: i don't get it, the girls on Instagram all have on their profile:

don't contact me unless you're serious. i want marriage, kids, family

i contact them but they all disappear from my feed the next day...

Nuala McGovern in a purple wine cocktail dress: THIS is what Miss Scarlet looks like.

Olga Ospina: Goldeneye was my favorite video game, too. i played it alone in my room on my Super Nintendo in the '90s when i moved to a farm in the middle of California. in order to move to the glitz glamor and baby of Los Angeles i had to give up being am anchor and just be the weather girl...

Takahashi: for some the only writing they'll ever do is that review of how bad the service was at their local McDonalds.

Louise Fazenda: i came up with the kewpie-lips face of silent film actresses, i imitated my chicken.

Dostoevsky: why count the days? one day contains all happiness. one day contains all eternity. besides, what turn-of-the-century Russian man has a calendar anyway. no wonder i was depressed all the time, that mock execution really fucked me up for life, my entire opus, my entire writing career, almost never happened at all. 

Lee Thompson Young: firing squad. dirty thirties. if only i had a time machine.

Takahashi: if you're parents and you're still watching Rick and Morty for fun, that's a precarious situation...

Babyface Edmonds: WHERE THE HELL HAVE I BEEN?!!! how did we get that obscure photo of you that only you know about? don't worry about that, just look at the photo.

Tony Hawk: i should play a hawk on Tuca & Bertie. the hawk that Bertie taught to skateboard.

Ex-President Bump: remember when i said nothing matters?...

Madame Pons: Accent salt? 
Mardith: it makes Frasier Crane British.
Dirg: it tastes disgusting.
Eye Luggage: it's not salt. it's not pepper. it tastes like chicken.

Dirg: Virgin Lemonade?
Eye Luggage: it's for the Paul Newman camp kids!!!

Michael Weiss alone in a movie theatre watching Reminiscence: Instagram gives me something to do. it focuses my rambling mind. it actually gives me a reason to live. it provides for me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Gladyce: i need a third drink after my coffee and Coke.
Doryce: plain sodawater, dear, it's easy to make.

Laura Prepon: i quit Scientology four years ago...but i'm back now, baby!

Dirg: everybody smirks when they're taking a nude selfie, it's Selfieception.

Codrus: it's weird when people enter the monastery then leave to become a Hollywood star. they go from one extreme to the other.

Richard Grieco is crying on the shoulder of JaVale McGee's mom, she blankets him on her arm.
JaVale McGee's mom: go on, cry, baby, CRY IT ALL OUT, BABY!!! i'm not your mom or your secret Everwood girlfriend but i will be. don't worry about getting tears on your vinyl jacket.

Madame Pons: when you're reading you're staring at a thin piece of tree bark from Obec Woods and hallucinating for five hours. LUSH needs a library wing.

Clarissa Ward: i'm sexy as fuck out in the field. i explain it all, no magic, just guts.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Elias Koteas: you know those sporting figures on your Pee Chee? i carved those.

Eye Luggage: Mugen Train and go.
Mugen: wake me up if i fall asleep on your tits.

Eye: um, we want all to participate. infinite. what did this do for Demon Slayer's reputation?
Laertus: enhanced it. before the show was a low-grade tepid Inuyasha ripoff knockoff.
Laertus's dad: that's ma boy.
Dirg: disagree. this show has guts. it has real man fighting in a cruel age where you need to be tough to survive. it has a dude in a boar-head, he wears it cos he's strong.
Eye: no he wears it cos that whole character was clearly meant to sell toys at cons.

Mugen: hey everybody, listen up everyone.
Eye: i'm offended.
Mugen: i've had bigger. but i've had smaller. listen up, this train is your car.
Eye: i'm a tote-carrying member of PBS. my card is on my dash. i listen to PBS radio while the garage door of my boat is opening up, the door is partly underwater...

Tanjiro: i'm sweet like a tangerine. but i've had a cruel life. seeing my whole family slaughtered and now there's a lot of sketchy art of my sister online, she predicted masks with that bamboo stick on her mouth. that bamboo has been the subject of a lot of foul drawings of her.

Nezuko: i get to kick ass in this! but i still don't have any lines.

Zenitsu: who's more annoying? me, the guest-hero, or the villain?

Inosuke: i'm the crier of the group.

Tanjiro: if i hadn't gotten my ticket punched none of this would have happened.
Nezuko: but i want to dance with you, brother.

Kyojuro Rengoku: not the Bleach babe. 
Garfield: blech.
Goku: hi.

Enmu: Enigma did my background music.........but not live.

Enmu: am i a boy with a girl's voice or a girl with a boy's voice? it doesn't matter aren't my tear tattoos pretty?

Eye: not a good look this week to have girls in bondage. insomnia? more like enigma.
girl in chains: i gotta get outta here. but it's all in the mind. i may be young but i've already seen Inception and heard "Woman In Chains".

Enmu: the human is so easy to hurt, no weapons required. just attack the heart, and they'll fold like Afghanistan. it's like Prince and the battlefield of the mind. i look like Prince.

Tanjiro: i am so sorry for what Enmu put you through. i know this isn't consolation for all the pain but if you wait a little bit longer Rick from Rick and Morty will be showing up on this train...
Morty: and shown up. by me.

Enmu: once again, the eternal question: is Heaven real? or is it a dream? and how would you ever tell the difference?

Tanjiro: this is too happy to be real. and in truth the balls of rice here are a little too sticky for my taste. this is becoming too Twilight Zone and i'm too young to watch that show. i have to accept real pain over dream happy.
Michael Stipe: ...

Kyojuro: little brother, i believe in you. even tho dad doesn't believe in me nor you. 
little brother: what happened to dad? he lies in front of the tv all day on the couch drinking beer not sake.
Kyojuro: he was a writer for Rick and Morty but they let him go.

Tanjiro's dad: kill yourself and all your dreams will come true.
Tanjiro: oh no, you won't get me that way, i watched Videodrome while you and mom went to my Catholic parent-teacher conference! 

Zenitsu: please let this be real. i'm marrying my best friend's sister. please don't let this be another wet dream.........oh shit i've been underwater this whole time!

Inosuke: can i be a dog for real? 

Enmu: you beheaded me. but that was just my boar head.


Inosuke: is this his backbone or is everything his boner?
Tanjiro: can't wait for electric trains next year, you'll like Disneyland, you'll feel right at home there. mission accomplished. come on, let's take a break. have some tea, my earrings are teabags.

Akaza: we need to fill 2 hours, we're special, we're a theatre anime movie! i'm like if Gaara was bad, ACTUALLY bad.

Akaza: i can see Russia from my house, i have demon eyesight. i don't get it, if you're immortal like me you don't have to die.
Aeon Flux: SIT BOY! for you, nothing will ever matter.
Doctor Who: you're not beautiful. but you are sad.

Tanjiro: YEAH RUN AWAY YOU COWARD!!!!!!!!!!
Akaza: what do you expect, my name means mist.
Tanjiro: no your name means cum. i'm a boy but i've had to grow up fast. you don't come, you go away!

Kyojuro: please don't be sad. please don't get on the sad train. death is inevitable. i am so happy all of you boys are crying your red eyes out your hearts out for me that makes me feel good. makes me feel special and appreciated. but please, stop your blubbering enough so you get distracted enough to pick me up, don't prop me up so i'm dead but in a standing position so i become a scarecrow to the local village elders and children.

Kyojuro: i know it sucks. but life is good. never stop believing. never stop believing in Santa Claus, like your reindeer friend over here.
Inosuke: it's a boar head. i'm crying under this mask.
Mickey Mouse: never stop believing in me. and my boar head.

the singer of the end song of this film cries on Alexandra Silber's bloused shoulder.
Alexandra: it's okay if you're an unknown singer. if you're a singer who's only known for this one song. i've been there. 
singer: i couldn't get through the recording of this song, the lyrics are so sad and cut me deeply personally in my heart. i got choked up and had to stop singing. 
Michael Stipe laughs...
singer: it took 4 takes but we made it 5.
Alexandra: it's the sibilance of the singing, the bamboo shoot through which the sad comes out, and shoots you into space superstardom. like a chute. whether your first was Sound of Music or Hair, this is no time to climb ev'ry mountain on your way out of Vienna, we must stand up and fight this virus together as one. g'night, folks.

Codrus: what's in the back? the back of your trainbed. beddies?
Mugen: oh that? a bunch of samurai swords. long-ass ones longer than Redwoods. a nice small pile of swords, enough to kill you.
Codrus: and THAT?
Mugen: oh that's a pile of Air Jordans, sneakers from the future. everyone says i have chicken legs, my calves and ankles are so damn skinny people think i can't walk let alone samurai. not to mention everyone mentioning how i have bad suntans on my wrists and ankles. using these shoes to try to pump up my calves and ankles. g'night, folks.