* Kevin Richardson from Backstreet Boys: how do you like my solo album? yes that's a cigarette in my ear, i'm trying to quit. no, i'm not Kevin Federline. i really do hope Britney's okay. follow the Amanda Bynes model for success. there are no such things are positive comments on Instagram.
* Apple: airpods. we're not bringing back the ipod.
* commercial directed by MC Escher
* Kevin: NYC is the last place in America you can bounce a rubber ball inside your house. rubber condoms don't count. vote, people, everything's at stake!
* Kevin: i'm looking in a mirror. i need to shave my muttonchops better. i don't feel like doing the De Niro routine. i'm forcing my frown upside-down. i am depressed…
* ...bouncing helps with my depression.
* parkourist: bro, i'm a real athlete, i don't need cheats...
Kevin: get off my cheeks.
* musical guest for this week (SNL still on hiatus): makes me think of tassels. the tassels on strippers' tits, not the tassel on a graduation mortarboard, and i feel that great shame in the pit of my lungs again, so heavy i cannot breathe
* kid: mister, watch out for all those alien pods on the sidewalk! they've already invaded us, you know this, right?
Kevin: kid, what are you doing just getting out of school? isn't it noon yet? i'm hungry for lunch, that's why i stepped out of my apartment, the only reason i go outside anymore is food.
* NYC: where the laundromat washing machine is deliberately abandoned and placed out on the sidewalk for Pop Art.
Kevin: damn, anyone got a quarter? i need to wash my drawers from last night's accident. i'm completely bottomless right now and nobody passing by has noticed me...
* Kevin: i li(v)e in the big city, one jump on this abandoned mattress left out in the cold equals the required 8 hours of sleep. if i bounce on this will i go to Saturn? or to the time when those bouncing Saturn toys were all the rage? '90s pogo sticks?
* always construction round the next corner of this city. always construction zone barrier walls to put up. always the next tree to de-toilet-paper...
* Kevin: people still wait around and cram into bus station booths like sardines? i don't get out much.
mob: it's for the Wendy's Biggie Bag. and also the bus flies.
Kevin: thank you, haven't done a jungle gym since i was a kid. i mean i'm still a kid but
mob: thanks. you're so fat you made the pole rubber, now the bus missed us. you should exercise more.
* stop/ go/ break the time barrier/ break the law
* cop: hands up against the brick wall, boy! spread 'em!!! it's dangerous to race across crosswalks, idiot! did you graduate kindergarten!? there are tons of old ladies here!
Kevin: what, officer? i was running. if i walked here, i would have ended up roadkill! this is an insanely-busy typical NYC street! one of those old ladies became my wife.
* mook: buddy, you see the sign? CONSTRUCTION ZONE ARROW POINTING DOWN
Kevin: how long have you been working this giant pothole?
mook: do the words Big Dig and Fatberg mean anything to you?
Kevin: hey! who you callin' fat?!! when will you be done?
mook: when April is finished with her turtle orgy down there. all of them. plus the rat carrying a Cheesy-Bites pizza.
* Kevin: i'm in the void...oh, no, it's just my nightmare of having never completed college rearing its ugly head up again, whenever i see university stone steps like this.
MC Escher: young acolyte, i tricked you! those steps only lead to you bouncing again, you can't win.
* Kevin: Ms. Isabel Allende, i need those flared jeans. have you seen Roma?
Isabel Allende: why is this the only question i ever get asked anymore in interviews? Cuaron is a hack who stole all my ideas!
Kevin: what happens in the book you're reading?
Isabel Allende: spoilers: magical realism. matches in mouths burning down haybarns, that sort of thing.
Kevin: no i am not. that's bouncing your HEAD against the wall and expecting a different result...
* TMNT: hey! we're not finished down here! push another button!
Death Note intro grate perspective
American cars now...
taxi-cab driver: Stuber? can you show me the way to Sesame Street?
Stuber: your beret gives you away.
* Kevin: FUCK. why did i do this!!? my anxiety's coming back!
pigeons: wanna sing and dance? that always helps calm the children passenger pigeons-of-war down. *cooing* Doin' the Pigeon…
Kevin: I'M SCARED OF HEIGHTS!!!
pigeons: you know KFC? it's really us.
Kevin: i look out over the horizon---wobbily---and see the Berkeley bookstore i used to frequent between lectures. i think about that aborted college thing in my past again...
pigeons: pray to your father like our culture does.
Kevin: my father died. he was a skyscraper window-washer...
the pigeons look and stare at each other.
* Kevin: hey remember Discovery Zone?
Kevin Federline: nah man, that was before my time, pops.
Kevin: i'm not the Kevin on the ledge right now...
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happy weekend, my babies.
QUESTION GOING INTO TOMORROW: has anyone ever out-pizza'd the Hut? and what would that look like? Jabba stops eating all that Galaxy Pizza from a seaside pier wharfing community in Connecticut and slims down to Salacious B. Crumb?