MARE ORIENTALE: YOUR ONE CHANCE TO MAKE EARTH 2.0

we return to the moon.

Jen R: it's such unspoilt land here, it'd be a shame if it was built. just let it be a wilderness.

Ivor Robson approaches us in a green jacket and mic. he's looking glum.

me: Ivor, she didn't mean it...

Jen: whatever is the matter, ol' boy? i used the last Ivory Dove bar in Royal Troon on my bum, and for that i apologize profusely.

Ivor wipes away a year and continues his duty.

Ivor Robson: i'll let you go...

Abby Wambach: i'm not the coach of the Canadian Women's Soccer team. i never needed a drone to win, i shut out the droning voice of all my coaches and used my head...

Common Side Effects: thirtysomething + Weeds + NYPD Blue as a cartoon...

Pete Sampras: the biggest clay tournament i ever won was Rome.

Boris Becker: not the French Open?

Sampras: i always had to play Nadal...

Boris: you beat me in Rome, the surface was like the Moon. you beat me at a very strange time in my life...

Pete: how's the prison tennis court?

Boris: it's watered by inmates like Wimbledon.

Charles Barkley: what the hell am i gonna do on TNT now?!!! I HATE HOCKEY. the only movie they show is that stupid Avengers thing. i suppose i could start gambling again.

Joe Biden: for the saving of democracy i pass the Olympic torch.

Jake Tapper: the blonde on this panel STILL LIKES the dude with grey hair.

Univision: don't take the Bump Pledge!!! come on, we're Mexico, we don't give in to scare tactics.

Norrish Creek hermit: i don't need a gun, i'm a hermit.

Minster: you are NOT coming with us.

Leslie Sbrocco: one day.........a restaurant featured on Check Please will later be featured on Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares...

Jaws: i love eating out charcuterie...

Ear Horn: how are you doing, dearie?

Eye Luggage: i'm well, mom, thanks for asking.

Ear: Mike + the Mechanics "The Living Years."

Eye: yeah, "as well as you hear," "eye to eye," this is OUR song.

Vanquish Mode on Instagram DM: when your message like your headache disappears once the label is seen...

snail: i'm not becoming escargot, i don't care about the Olympics. i'll jump off your plate if i have to. you gotta SLOW DOWN in life...

snail: you gotta make love SLOW...

Westin: need to jog in a forest? do it out of a hotel...

Mike Tyson: their heavyweight beds.

Daft Punk: we should do a cover of the "put you on hold" phone song...

Less from Mr. Maldark's class: the yellow arrow, this traffic-light direction is impossible to follow...

bear: this isn't a bear costume. i'm a real bear. i gaze along this tree-lined mountain range from the S-curve of this mountainpass freeway, thinking about how Existentialism can be applied to bears.........and picnic baskets...

Jen R: i'm gonna DoorDash a coffee. just this one time this morning on the moon...

Jackie Fitzgerald: my new man wears a Pizza My Heart shirt.........but he doesn't surf. there is no perfection in this world, ladies.

Safeway employee with the monk beard: why can't i push Skylar around with my words telling her what to do in the morning? because i push a mop in the afternoon?...

Jillian Barberie: i'm a better dancer than Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson never won a Gold Medal in Breakdancing at the Olympics.

Michael Jackson: yes i did. i would have. you scrawny bitch. it's called Breakin. growing up my brothers and i played lawn hockey.

Sonic Youth "Bull in the Heather" music video: scared you to death. it was spooky. you watched it late at night on 120 Minutes.

Kim Gordon: that shaker instrument. art school gave me a mean furrow in my brow.

Matt Pinfield: that music video frightened me so much i called my mom from the radio station asking for milk and cookies.

Fonzie: motorboating is an Olympic sport. remember in the '80s at McDonald's when you collected all the stick-figure stickers from all the Olympic sports? it was in Los Angeles that four-year. why wasn't i in Jaws?...

Minster: monks love music, it helps us get through the pain of another barren day. our favorite song is Depeche Mode "Personal Jesus."

The Hat world-famous pastrami sandwiches in Alhambra: we're not In-N-Out Burger...

Sailor Mars: best job in the world after priestess? sleep consultant.

Gabby Bernstein: the Om only works if you're in the middle of a Manhattan street during rush hour but the whole area is abandoned like the covid years.

Julie Patzwald: nightcore is not goth. daycore is actually scarier.

Trent Reznor: i was born to fight the dark forces of plunderphonics.

Dr. Rick: why is learning History so boring?

Rick Steves: because you need money to travel...

Martina Navratilova: i fell head-over-heels in love with Pete Sampras the first time i laid eyes on him. 

Chris Evert: his serve. Pete's sublime serve mechanics and impeccable timing.

Martina: with the man. he was never late to our dates. he hated cars.

Jen: you loved him in mid-air. you fell in love with him AS he was serving...

Shelley Duvall in Paris at a cafe wearing a beret: French cigarettes are Shelley Duvall cigarettes. those thin cigarettes the Existentialists smoked.

Martina Navratilova: i wore Sally Jessy Raphael glasses on court that somehow never came off when i played tennis.

Sally Jessy Raphael: except yours were blue...

me: me especially, i need to take Vitamin P.........for balance...

Lindy Lenz: we could have a Zoom date but it takes place right during the Olympics Opening Ceremony.

me: see that's the thing...

Pee-wee Herman at the Olympics: the athletes coming out on boats was my idea. i taught your kid French. French toast.

Wes Anderson in a Louis Vuitton bellboy hat: i'm handing out the Olympic medals in Paris...

the Hunchback of Notre Dame: Paris is not the city of love, it's the city of the threesome...

Bruce Willis: other ways for the athletes to enter: submarine...

Matthew McConaughey: train.

Liz Phair: jetpack.

Ethan Hawke: i'm at the Opening Ceremony in the river, where are you?

Julie Delpy: at home in our house under the Eiffel Tower with our twins...

John Lennon: don't worry, the horse rider across the water isn't The Apocalypse.

Kurt Cobain: from the muddy banks of the Seine.

Michael Jackson: i was the masked horse rider...

Smokey the Bear: wait, the Olympic Flame will float in a hot-air balloon for a month?

Lindy Lenz: that's a fire hazard...

Smokey the Bear: this whole Olympic Opening Ceremony was like an episode of American Gladiators...

we come back to cheer up poor Ivor. i hug him.

Ivor Robson: it's just.........my dream was to be a hotelier...

Jen slapping Ivor's back wearing a golf coat with elbow pads: you'll do your dream justice, Ivor ol' chap.

Ivor: i want to do right by the Fawlty Towers. not Cleese that bastard. the others who were always so kind to me, a stranger lost on a golf field. i'm gonna have the most scrumptious hotel guests: David Gilmour, Robin Hood...

Robin Hood: the fox one, the good one.

i take a moment to eye out our new land, our new home, in the bitter quiet of space. and my blessings.

me: the Moon. and my two beautiful Baltimore bases.........moonbases...

Jen: i can't believe nobody snatched up that $2000 car and left it to us!!! i mean REALLY, Carmel...

Lindy: TAP TAP TAP, i'm waiting for my dinner, make my dinner, Joshy Boshy.

me: the sweet strains of domesticity.

the three of us by a moon campfire.

Lindy: it's hella chill here.

Jen: this is where all chillwave music comes from...

me: so i'm thinking Fosters Freeze, i've never had crinkle fries delivered to the house...

 

 

 

MARE ORIENTALE: OLYMPIC BREAD

 

me: well shit we're on the moon.

Jen R: relax, this is where you've always wanted to be.

me: i mean maybe? what is there to do here?

Jen: see those two spiders forming a family over there on that hole?

me: this warms my heart, i saw a spider on my shower screen, i turned my head and he was gone. i felt so bad, i thought my friend the spider had died.

Freud: you're just avoiding human relationships.

David Bowie: meet the spiders Statler and Waldorf, they are my masters.

me: there was a BIG-ASS SNAIL WITHOUT HER SHELL on my shower screen!!!

Jen: did you feel so bad?

me: i wanted to do right by her, i scooped her up into a tissue...

Jen: that is so symbolic of you and women.

me: and i scooted her outside.

Jen: but where'd you LEAVE her?!!!

me: in the dirt next to our parked $2000 car. i figured the asphalt was a no-no, too hot in summer. dirt is cool, right? both meanings?

Martha Stewart: ...

Jen: you should have left her in the GRASS...

snail: yeah, give me some pretty flowers to look at, live in, and make a family in.

Jen: you see the grey morning dove perching in the night light of the moon? 

mourning dove: call me Billy. the surface of the moon doesn't exist, it's all one big sponge...

Jen: we gotta go back. we gotta get supplies. and by supplies i mean BREAD.

Jen grabs me by the ascot and throws me in the backseat. she rolls all the windows down in this lunar atmosphere so our car windows just look like holes. 

me: this car so filthy it needs a carwash.

Jen: no man, it's misted by a lunar waterfall in the sky. can't you smell the air?

me: it smells like cheese.

Jen: i'm lowering the boom.

Jen lowers the lever on the LEFT turn-blinker and waits.

we appear in the Safeway parking lot.

me: that's lucky.

Jen: skill. let's get one of those LONG baguettes the length of a grocery-store aisle for Olympics-watching, i wanna eat it IN ONE GULP like in cartoons.

me: don't eat all the food now, we won't have any for the Opening Ceremony and rugby.

Rigby: i was on that Zom 100 Akira Tendo's team. it's hard to believe but i went to college for this...

we make a left at The Bagel Bakery.

Jen: wait a second, you can't fool me, you're talking to a hardcore Marylander here. with a sensitive palate. and a swirly palette. let me have one more free sample.

blonde mean Ms. Frizzle: sample not a whole bagel.

Jen: where are these from?

blonde mean Ms. Frizzle: the California wheatfields. amber waves of grain.

Jen: nah, these are Towson Hot Bagels!!! i ate these bagels when i was a kid, when my parish priest still cared. well at least your delivery trucks have taste. okay, bread shopping over.

at the motel opposite Safeway, David Bowie is fucking Skylar. Skylar turns her head to speak with him.

Skylar: shoot your cum in my mouth. i'm embarrassed about my face freckles.

David Bowie: am i doing this right?

Skylar: you can only cum if you do me anal...

at the same motel one door over, Gwen Stefani is fucking Ed from the band Live.

Ed: i turn my head...

Gwen: don't speak.

Jackie Fitzgerald: if the new guy's giving you a shadowbox, just make sure YOUR shadow doesn't end up in his box.

Trent Reznor: i hear that, sister. we're closer because of this.

Steejo: wanna go on a date behind Kakashi's back?

Suzy Lu: do you have the Hurling Channel?

Steejo: strangely i do not...

Kakashi: it's okay, Suzy, experiment with Steejo, see how he tastes, see how the other side lives, Naruto Shippuden is coming to an end after being on the air for 100 straight years, it's time for me to branch out, it's time for me to get with Lupin III...

simurgh: i'm dating Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: it's not a true French Onion Soup without the pulled cheese.

simurgh: that's the move. what happened to the Egg in a Hole at Taco Bell?...

simurgh: know why the Smurfs always won? Gargamel never found me...

simurgh: pulled cheese prevented a cold war.

Dr. Noonian Soong: pullable cheese is what separates us from the robots.

Pete Davidson: i should play Data in the reboot...

simurgh: the phoenix has lost its luster, not exotic enough.

me: can you zhuzh me up for my high-school prom at age 60?...

Popeye: i should have named you Egg in the Basket.

Swee'Pea: Denny's tacos, think about it...

David Bowie: who had the better bucket hat?

Akira Kurosawa: you did.

David Bowie: imagine me as a jazzman.

George Michael blowing a sax: ...

Boy George: "Time" is the greatest song of all time.

Jen R at Cannery Row: nighttime drunks are mean. you gotta join in with them to be safe, become one with them, become a drunk, at least fake that you're drunk with them...

Takahashi: you've never been to the fancy swanky side of Oakland...

Rubikon: try the gumbo ramen.

Takahashi: have you ever eaten at a museum restaurant?...

Andy Warhol: yup.

Joe Burrow: imagine Eminem swole...

AYSO: but we're all volunteer coaches...

500 seagulls: hear all the birdcalls? it's a colloquy of cackling, a squawk box, a family get-together, a San Diego comic con. Sand Diego.

Hyde: morning call...

Eddie Murphy: a family barbecue.

Jack Tripper: only in San Diego, the only place on Earth to get happy about.

Jacques Pepin: soak the stale bread in water and put it in the toaster.........wait that can't be safe...

David Foster Wallace: i'm either encyclopedic or crazy. Fosters Freeze has lousy meatloaf.

Earth: quick, get to the Moon!!! my rotation is off, i'm slowing down, i can't control it...

Jules Verne: there's a McDonald's down there in the Earth's core with Land of the Lost Happy Meal toys... 

Burger King: we finally have a pink drink!!! Pink Sprite.

Dr. Dre: that's not...

McDonald's: do we have a strawberry shake?...

Dr. Rick: weather can be exciting...

Jim Cantore: if i'm in this commercial.

Dr. Rick: no, you bring everyone down, your generator commercial is dull as dirt. let's get Maria LaRosa in here for soccer highlights and Stephanie Abrams for the interview and Jen Carfagno to explain dew point.

woman: new flood alert in Louisiana!!!

Dr. Rick: that was Katrina. you suck.

Puck: there's a 40% chance the rain in San Francisco will fall as Windex...

Progressive whistleblower.

Jamie: can i get a lozenge and a spotlight?

Michael Stipe: "Losing My Religion" is about drinking too much purple drank in the South...

the two of us go back to the moon and the mare not on Mars for our picnic and watch party.

me: think the moon has good reception?

Jen: less expensive than Peacock. this place is giving me strong E.T. vibes. i had an E.T. foam finger growing up.

me: that thing ballooned. in value price on eBay. 

Jen: film is my only sport. and this E.T. knit cap from Universal Studios in the '80s that i'm putting on my head now.

me: goes perfect with your pink grandma sweater. which i assume is knit.

Jen: i don't wear it to keep warm, the Moon isn't cold, it's just.........here. 

E.T.: you wear it to attract me to you. i'm NOT asexual. to show you're one of those hardcore E.T. fans. and to attract Steven Spielberg, showing him your script for the sequel...

Jen: i wrote the first three pages here, turns out E.T. is a flower...

Lindy Lenz wearing a cute astronaut bubble around her head joins us.

Lindy Lenz: speaking of bread, ONE PANCAKE from Denny's feeds a family of 11 for a week. 

Jen: Baltimorer to Baltimorer, high-five.

Lindy: do you know why San Francisco sourdough is so pungent? skateboarders' angst as yeast.

Jen: they let it all out when they go down those MASSIVE WIDE downhill streets.

Lindy: like tissue bread. when they rise, they can't be stopped, they overflow their tin bin.

 

MARS EXPRESS: KUSANAGI CROISSANT

 

Thumb Wars: remember old-skool YouTube? yeah so i can't use my thumbs to type anything on this iPad Mini, i'm strictly forefinger.........anyway maybe if you got us a Powder Tower of iced tea mix. maybe if you got Leslie Sbrocco to drizzle some amandine syrup on these mixed-grill vegetable skewers...

Jackie Fitzgerald: a man's cock BALLOONS to attention at the THOUGHT of sex, especially with three ladies at once.........i'm trying to explain that Zardoz scene...

David Bowie: one Iman has the power of three ordinary women...

Jackie Chan: i'm Mister Rogers.

Lady Elaine Fairchilde: yeah but i don't trust AAA, i don't have a drinking problem. there's a scarier woman than me, she works at the Bagel Bakery, she has that mean blonde hair. she's like if Ms. Frizzle were a queen bee in high school. clean the RIM on your glass with your tongue, not just the glass. Fonzie's comb was TINY. postage-stamp-sized houses fit me to a T. our new neighborhood eatery created by AI is the Robata Grill...

Jackie Chan: no sake for you, Miss Elaine. a sake bar is not like Cheers...

Elaine: how old do you think i am, boy? that's a compliment, how sweet.

me: when i was at Berkeley i had the most beautiful little apartment right on Telegraph Ave, it was the size of a postage stamp but it was all mine, i dreamt of living there the rest of my life, it makes me cry now...

Jen R: i remember, your next-door neighbor was a '60s hippie like your dad who was living your dream, a forever home, fresh warm donuts every morning for breakfast on the corner, he won, the hippie who won life.

me: this year's Jewish Film Festival in San Francisco this week.

Jen: the commercial for it is hilarious, two old bubkas in a deli kvetching over mumblecore.

El Gordo y La Flaca: when you don't have a forever home, a permanent residence, WE are your stability.

Lili Estefan: i wear pink baggy Mrs. Roper blouses to keep you stable.

Leslie Sbrocco: new Check Please episodes ALL WEEK?!!! what are we, Steven Universe? PBS is the ONLY thing that's good left on Earth...

Eye Luggage: Mars Express and go.

Motoko Kusanagi, The Major: i feel i must interject...

David Bowie: my old stomping grounds!!!

Motoko: ahem, as i was saying, don't compare this to MY masterpiece, it's not fair.

John Cusack: this movie ain't some High Fidelity thing, okay?...

Tower Records: both meanings.

Eye Luggage: the WORLD of this movie is SUBLIME, it's phenomenal. it's so detailed and complicated and full of boops and beeps and all the pieces fit into each other. the painstaking time it took to make this futuristic world, this world of the future, go, run smoothly, is admirable.

WIRED Magazine: it's wired well... 

Jeremy Piven: ...

Janet Leigh: okay but why does the pretty white woman have to be the protagonist? why wasn't the black man the protagonist?

Motoko: i'm very surprised there wasn't a sex scene in this, and i mean a HARDCORE sex scene where it's Archer-style cartoon porn, this is French for fuck sake!!! France Funimation!!!

Aline Ruby: they had that one scene that was a feint where Aline was grunting but it turns out she was just exercising vigorously, doing hard push-ups.

Aline: they called me Drucker the Fucker on set for some reason...

Alsace animation: SLEEK. takes you pleasantly back to Code Lyoko.

Royjacker: Blade Runner After Hours...

John Barrowman: Doctor Who vibes with the whale-like alien being in an aquarium of liquid. this isn't about me, i'm here representing Torchwood...

Lady Elaine Fairchilde: see what i mean about this AAA of the future? they're very inconvenient, they fill your hovercar with foam to get you out of an accident, which causes an accident. those Jaws of Life on a drone is pretty cool tho.

Dirg: you can't say anything anymore. thank you.

Laertus: notice all the protest signs against AI, no more robots, bring back the humans, that is our future.........both meanings...

Lynne Thigpen: it seems gumshoes are the same in the year 2200, i salute you!!!

Data: can i be a gumshoe? without the Holodeck i mean...

Monopoly Man: jailbreak is not that Fox TV show, it's a whole other thing.

Bill Gates: pretty soon only i will be able to stop AI. i have the keys but i left them in my Seattle mansion that's like a Maine wharf on the lake... 

Jen P: ...

Dirg: can we talk about the red-light district? or purple-light district as the case may be?

Eye: with you? no.

TLC: don't get it twisted, honey, are you a man or a scrub?

Laertus: Vaporwave sex? some of these definitely cost extra. the naked woman with the six legs? very Vishnu. the man with the electric top hat? very Mr. Humphries.

Vivienne Johnson: i was the original British flapper...

Aeon Flux: gold-dust woman with a unicorn horn? that's nothing, did you see OURS? btw i'm dating Stevie Nicks... 

Stevie Nicks: after Motoko dumped me, wham byte thank you ma'am, dropped for a newer update, a newer update patch, gives new meaning to cybersex...

Eye: what does it mean to fuck a robot?...

Dirg: that sucks, i feel for any man who has to go through the wife's new husband to see his kids, i don't care who or WHAT you are, that sucks. let him see his kids, he's already dead...

Motoko: oh come on, those are TACHIKOMAS!!! give me a break. this whole night scene in the wide-berth backyard lawn in back of a mansion is sending me Scarface vibes.

Aline Ruby: if you have a drinking problem, here's my card, i can help, i can be your sponsor, i've been there like you.

Lady Elaine Fairchilde: why are you looking at me? it's the future, just give me the vaccine, right? i LOVE needles!!!

Aline Ruby: you can trust me, my name sounds like a Steven Universe character.

Motoko: in the end, this isn't the solution, many single-file lines, the humans on one planet and the robots on another planet, or spaceship. the two groups must coexist, this is good advice for human factions NOW on this planet. now THESE are the parades i like. robot consciousness is already here. it was pretty cool how you got to experience what it would be like to go through a Star Trek transporter.........g'night folks, bonne nuit tout le monde.

 

  

MARE ORIENTALE: $2000 CAR

 

Gary Kildall and dad are at a dingy motel, the Motel Inn.

dad: Bitcoin? Bitcoin sucks.

Gary: no, Bite Con. cons suck too but it's a work thing, you know how it is. i'm trying to unload my old car, it just stands there in front of my house with $2000 spray-painted on the bumper. many MANY people have drove up to it in their trucks and ironically cars to take a look at it, inspect it, kick the old girl's tires, but not one purchase. my poor baby, my poor hatchback.

dad: i'll tell my son about it. YOU spray-painted the $2000, right? not skateboard hoodlums?

Gary: i don't get it, it's only $2000. it's a 1970s Pinto with a see-through backdoor hatch window, that's cool!!!

dad: hey wanna make prank calls to Bill Gates on the motel phone?

Gary: this is not like you but i'm in. my life is in tatters, all i've got now are prank calls. 

at the same motel.

David Bowie singing: do it the right way.........do it from the back.

Jackie Fitzgerald: where would your career be without black female backup singers?

Bowie: i don't know much about sex, it's all for show.

Jackie: sex is about the SUSTAIN. you gotta sustain those rushing feelings in your body, collect them all rising and flooding your synapses, until it comes OUT in a Big Bang.

Bowie: how will i know i've done it right?

Jackie: lots of milky stars everywhere, a galaxy of cum. 

Betty White: i had to live the last years of my life at a house i hated.

me: i know the feeling, Carmel is a barren place.

Betty: i couldn't stay with Blanche, she was arrested for indecent exposure. Dorothy was living with Stan again, and Sophia would call me up on my Carmel phone to tell me about Purgatory.

Sophia: i got to keep my purse up there, uh middle there.

Betty: that left Andrew Gold but every time i called him he sounded so depressed, maybe it was the bad phone reception. Carmel connections get cut off. plus they filmed that shit show Out of This World in this house!!! that was the WORST '80s show ever!!!

me: and you had the BEST '80s show ever!!! can i call you Bets?

Betty: no. drop the pizza and get out of my home.

Jen R and i are at this same motel. in a corner.

Jen: the giddiness when you get that first bucket of ice from the motel machine.

me: yeah that anticipatory warmth that flushes over you when you're at a new motel, new bed, new place to stay.

Jen: i now know how the Garbage Pail Kids feel. remember Shelley Duvall's greeting on Faerie Tale Theatre?

me: hello, i'm Shelley Duvall.

Jen: hello, i'm *pause for tree* Shelley Duvall. i got all 100, all her different costume gowns and sets, Shelley as EVERY character in world folklore, on a loop, and i'm running that video above my door as my doorbell.

Shelley Duvall: have the same thing at your backdoor with Bud Cort saying "hello, i'm Bud Cort" for Texaco Theater...

Bud Cort: backdoor, if you know what i mean...

Billy Corgan shows D'arcy Wretzky his new album.

D'arcy: looks like the Spinal Tap album.

Billy: i wanted it to look like the Pink Floyd album. i died making this album.

D'arcy: i'm worried about you, Billy, why is your face all gory?

Billy: are you coming with us on tour to play your little bass?

D'arcy: Billy, you haven't paid me in 40 years. two things: you can take a break, Billy, it's okay.

Billy: how long?

D'arcy: 10 years. 30 years. second: why are all your album titles from obscure Greek pamphlets?

Bud Cort in "The Trunk": Domino's Pizza?

Domino's Pizza: it's the '80s so yeah.

Bud: can i pay for a pizza with just coins?

Domino's: the coins have to be ROLLED.

Bud: what? rolled coins? who actually does that tho? where the fuck would you even find rolling papers?

Angelina Jolie: why hasn't there been a Carmen Sandiego live-action movie? she's a PBS Tomb Raider...

Trent Reznor: my first album, i was doing Beach Boys Pet Sounds...

Rockapella: we learned a capella from Boyz II Men. 

Mitt Romney: is Mormonism a cult?

Rockapella: dangerous question. 

Mitt: i can't help that i happen to be from Utah...

Rockapella: yeah the fickleness of geography...

Barry Carl: the Carmen Sandiego game-show theme song is STEEPED in wordplay. a lot of English professors, not geography professors, come up with the lyrics.

Barry White: i told you not to test me, man, i'm a gentle soul but i will kick your ass on live TV.

gumshoe: i like to put people in jail.

host: like Carmen Sandiego?

gumshoe: no, you.

Carmen Sandiego: because of me, the Soviet Union collapsed. wasn't that a good thing?

Putin: but then, my mysterious mellifluous madam, Putin Puttanesca started hitting American shelves.

Carmen: i'm a quadruple agent and you're an asshole.

Thurston Howell III: i'm thirsty for a British Open...

at the British Open, a man under an umbrella is DESPERATE to show a woman his phone...

Boc in neon orange Air Jordans: the smell of fish in the air...

Stephen King: in winter it's Hemingway, in summer it's just rancid.

Ernest Hemingway: an air of fishermen in the air...

David Gilmour: Pink Floyd "Echoes" will turn you into Merlin.

Billy Corgan: Smashing Pumpkins must have longer songs than this...

Richard Simmons: i'm a great guy.........pay very close attention to the exact words i just typed...

Beth Gibbons: the THRUM...

John McEnroe from Gods of Tennis: i hit that winner across the net from the floor. i literally had NO LEGS, i was on the French floor, SITTING on the court. Rafa Nadal, lick my legs.

Rafa Nadal: the fuck you say.

John: to clean off the red clay, aren't all you Spaniards on dust?

Mariska Hargitay: i'm playing Brooke Trantor in the Great Gatsby prequel...

Christopher Meloni: can't do the zaddy shit forever. i am REALLY sick of being a cop. i gotta get back to doing druggie movies.

Justin Rose: Tony Hawk changes a bloke. Tony winked at me from the gallery and i've worn my golf hat backwards ever since...

King Arthur: but 4 is the ultimate LUCKY number. it's the four-crest of Arthurian legend, my legend. castles have four corners.

Hayao Miyazaki: Arthurian is bullshit, you guys just copied the Samurai. hey, stick it in your flour hole, king.

Smylie Kaufman: why can't i host SNL? if Eli Manning can host SNL so can i.

Eli Manning: about that...

Nurse Ratched, crying: my encounter with Richard Simmons moved me so much i became a nun...

Lucio Rossi: i'm REAL CLOSE with Anthony Michael Hall.

Anthony Michael Hall: Lucio was the only one who didn't forget about me...

hymen: needs a high man...

Chris Cornell: in my dream we're at the Singles coffee shop, you know, the Friends cafe. Layne is there and looking healthy. Layne leaves his band, Kurt leaves his band, and the two of them become the grunge Simon & Garfunkel. 

Martina Navratilova: one fluted glass, two straws, first date: Chris and i have the very first mint-chocolate-chip shake.

Chris: it tastes like nirvana.

Suzy Lu and Kakashi in Venice.

Steejo: okay but why did i have to tag along?

Suzy Lu: hey Steejo, remember when i liked you in my 20s?

Steejo: the platonic sleepovers. 

Suzy: you were so dumb, i had to TELL you i liked you, you didn't pick up on any of my 100 signals.

Steejo: the button in the hotel room is the dimmer, right? not the drapes.

Kakashi: dumber, not dimmer. my mouth is drapes. they call me Mr. Tibbs.

Usopp: lost faith in humanity? worship me, cartoon characters will never let you down.

Sabo from One Piece: i'm the anime Doctor Who...

Sailor Moon: nobody can find a job? dream harder, numbnuts. what did you always want to be? yes, the best job in the world is shrine maiden.

The Twilight Zone "Rendezvous in a Dark Place": the most original concept of death i've ever seen.

Janet Leigh: i know it's the '80s and everything but i'm looking like Nancy Reagan...

Gabe Kotter/Rod Serling pimp coat: this is a winter coat, not a cold-summer coat...

Boc: strewn across the Lucky parking lot: crumpled-up gray Neiman Marcus bag, ICEE paper mall cup, McDonald's ring.

ICEE: all three ICEE flavors: cherry, blue raspberry, Coke...

Hayao Miyazaki: don't vote for Bump just because the Crunchyroll comments closed down...

Spalding Gray: hey Kurt, come stay at my place in Hollywood. i'm never at the house, i'm always in Cambodia.

Kurt Cobain: can i claim your blanket?

Shelley Duvall: if your drama doyenne, your drama teacher summers in the '80s at UCLA was like me in Faerie Tale Theatre, you had that rare drama teacher. she was a spark, she had long crumpled brown chair, a light-blue-and-white checkered jumper, and you wanted to run away with her.

Robin Givens: i was on Head of the Class, then i got married to Mike Tyson, and then i starred as myself in my own Lifetime movie...

Kurt Loder: i was Generation X's Walter Cronkite.

The Two Coreys: you broke the news about Kurt Cobain to the world. 

Kurt Cobain: The Two Kurts.

Nigella Lawson: i'm fine casual.

Leslie Sbrocco: and i'm fast casual.

Dryden from Escaflowne: John Lennon glasses, Rod Serling voice...

Ron Perlman: The Twilight Zone "Cat and Mouse," it's Beauty and the Beast as written by Lars von Trier. i want that PHONE!!! it's so '80s. best line: it's the way of the tomcat.

Buc-ee's: NOT Chuck E. Cheese.........i WISH i was Alvin the chipmunk...

Jen in galaxy leggings is at the gift shop window-shopping like a madwoman.

Jen: we need a good bumper sticker.

me: eARTh?

Jen: too old. I'M NOT COOL WITH GLOBAL WARMING with a picture of the ICEE polar bear, that's the one.

Jen: look at that car, it's PERFECT!!! we need a mode of travel, our camper's in the garage with Nick from Family Ties working on it. he's tending to our carburetor with his earring which is his wrench.

me: EY.

Jen: get the $2000 in cash from my Sophia purse.

me: this is so '80s movie.

Jen slinks into the car through the window and hotwires it with the built-in car cigarette-lighter. the car with us in it immediately disappears into thin air and lands in outer space right smack-dab in the center of the Moon's eye: the Mare Orientale, the moon's only living body of water...

Jen: this saves on energy. and changes our plans.

me: why is this Pinto now blue-grey?

Jen: it's a trick of the eye, the moon isn't really blue-grey, it's clear...

GARY KILDALL: OVERCAST SUMMER

Gary Kildall: Bill Gates killed all my dreams.

dad: wanna talk about it?

Gary: i didn't cause the global power outage out of revenge. Bob Newhart was a computer techie.

Bob Newhart: don't call me a nerd, asshat. 

God: hi Bob.

Gary: wanna eat at this lobster place over here?

dad: nah, i had an orange lobster as a pet when i was a kid. 

Simple Minds: we'll never be a hair band...

Bill Murray: The Shining reboot with me in the Jack role. i'll be less menacing than Jack, more jokey.

Shelley Duvall: only if it's Winona Ryder.

Sofia Coppola: no, Scarlett Johansson, this will be the Lost in Translation sequel...

Clint Eastwood playing Pebble Beach links golf: i don't know how many kids i have, leave me alone. i had a kid in high school instead of doing math, Americans are bad at math.

Bill Murray: that was me, hi dad.

Clint: why didn't i stay with Dina Ruiz? she was normal.

Dina Ruiz: and a local celebrity. our wedding was a big to-do.........only on the KSBW channel. to think all i ever wanted to be was a newscaster...

Clint: i dropped that anchor. and then you dropped me.

Dina: you made me an alcoholic, Clint.

Clint: people think i'm the same as Charlton Heston, but i'd have to play Moses as an atheist...

Clint: i couldn't join AA...

Gary: the day of the big meeting came. Bill Gates and IBM flew down to Pacific Grove.

Bill Gates: to see you in your skateboard garage.

Gary: it was a cart barn. you stole my idea to make computers CUTE!!!

Bill Gates: no i didn't, that was Steve Jobs, HE did the Macintosh 128K later. i gathered the IBM fellas in a Druid circle all around the TinoType telephone. i asked you, Gary, are you ready for your McKinsey interview now?...

Bill Gates: hey fellas, the phone is typing something from Gary: je suis fatigue

Gary: i'm always tired.

Bill: why weren't you at that fateful meeting?

Gary: you told me you left your keys at your Seattle mansion and to take your private-jet seaplane to pick them up...

Bill: by the way i've since lost the keys to that plane...

Gary: i was so depressed after that i turned to uppers. 

dad: yeah but that was just computer culture in the '80s.

Gary: Bill Gates had stolen my identity. HE was my digital doppelganger. people in Omni Magazine interviews kept asking me why i wasn't Bill Gates. i told them because i don't wear glasses.

Gary: i turned to dangerous books and movies. i read John Steinbeck's East of Eden and watched The Wild One. before long i thought i was Marlon Brando in a motorcycle jacket who was angry at what the world GOT. i went to a biker bar in Monterey and had a pleasant time.

River Phoenix: yeah, luckily i was there to break your fall when you tripped on the gold counter cowboy-boot railing.

Gary: thanks for the save, River. River, weird name. 

dad: so a bar gang didn't attack you?

Gary: oh they did. they had coiled vipers on the back of their black jackets. but River was there.

River: i fended those leather-clad hooligans off with a giant cucumber i used as my sword. they got aroused and left. 

River: and then i tripped on the railing and Gary broke my fall before i had a massive concussion. 

dad: the difference between concussion and contusion is massive. i was a doctor's son.

River: thanks, friend Gary. it was a good thing you were there, Johnny Depp was nowhere to be found.

Johnny Depp: i work a lot. i'm always working. i'm never around.

Hormel Angus Chili: it only tastes good with no beans.

Gareth Southgate: where do i go from here?

Bill Gates: enter my gate from the south end.

Maria Shriver: i'm not Kuato. that's Mars not Mrs. Schwarzenegger.

Trent Reznor: everyone wants to be a musical genius. everyone wants to be Bjork in their bedroom. "The Only Time" is the perfect promposal song.

The Twilight Zone "The Trunk".

Bud Cort: do these glasses make me look inscrutable? why are these The Warriors rejects bothering me? once you've had Shelley Duvall, these women are a dime a dozen. why couldn't i ask the trunk to make the girl like me? for me, not my things. it's the hallway from the Silverchair "Emotion Sickness" music video. in the end, i get young Maude. back when Maude had a pleasant voice and a nice butt. it would have been better if i had remained locked in the trunk forever, since when does The Twilight Zone have happy endings?...

Shelley Duvall; were you ever someone's muse like me?

Bud Cort: not like you, i was a paid muse.

Jen R at the biker bar: drink your Clamato juice in a shot from a shot glass in the morning, get it over with...

that man in the One-A-Day commercial touches the cap of that multivitamin bottle so TENDERLY.

Sting: windmills of your mind. 

Willie Nelson wearing Don Quixote armor and smiling: you were always on my mind, you were a windmill in my addled mind. the only thing that healed my brain was pot. Snoop Dogg is taking me to Medieval Times.

Jen: i changed the sheets in our camper. they're light airy Three's Company '70s paisley sheets.

me: these sheets are SO LIGHT there are no sheets.

Jen: that's the power of silk, baby. 

at the beach.

seagull: hey!!! pick up your green pill in the sand. we don't want to be picking that shit up with our beaks.

Jack Tripper: sorry. it helps me stay at work.

IHOP: hey you got any of those extra-large Ziploc bags? we got a couple extra pancakes.

Royal Troon: the herding wind will kill you.

Boc: back from my morning walk, i thought i was inhaling mist. i was inhaling haze.

Jimi Hendrix: ...

Boc: i was swallowing smoke and i gave up cigs a decade ago. at least let it be fun like pot smoke.

Jen: Parliament Slim 110s, bitch sticks.

Virginia is for Lovers.........of cigarettes.

Chrissie and Martina in the '70s: for staying slim?

Billie Jean King: we've come a long way, baby.

Talia: remember when i started talking to you in English last night?

me: that was a little disconcerting for a cat.

Talia: it was that scene from Lars von Trier's Antichrist but totally benevolent.

Lynne Thigpen: the Carmen Sandiego game show, that was every kid's introduction to World Music.

Peter Gabriel: it was mine.

Barry Carl: with my voice i got more women than Barry White.

Barry White: no, sucka, no.

Richard Simmons on SNL: cholesterol tastes good. i'm here to propose marriage to Linda Richman. the Deal-A-Meal cards are dance cards.

Porky Pig: that Deal-A-Meal catalog looked like a package of bacon.

CVS: Vanquish.........has vanquished off the shelves.

me: that doesn't make up for the lack of magic white pills in my life. i do a Breaking Bad every time i enter the Walmart website.

Tiger Woods: Colin Montgomerie? the dude who looks like a British nanny?

Colin Montgomerie: that hurts. the British part.

Tiger: James Patterson, you're doing fanfiction now? come on, bro.

Curious George: Candybowl this morn for milady? the chocolate bars offer madame the finest bouquet. wine lollipops...

Kamala Harris and Gretchen Whitmer: fine, we're lesbians. is that enough to get just enough Republican votes to win?...

Panda Express: we have dessert.........apple pie...

Elon Musk: those Econolines scare me, they look like kidnap vans.

Michael J. Fox: the Tesla Truck looks like the DeLorean in my worst nightmare.

Hayao Miyazaki: the Tesla Truck is like bad '80s anime. when will people LEARN about Earth?!!!...

Bob Newhart: this time, it IS a dream...

Purple Crayon: oh Harold, you need to do your exercises, you're turning into a chubby kid.

Harold: Invisible Chair...

Gary: when you first crack open that fucking 45-ouncer of Country Crock butter.

Jen: that's the tub i want to soak in, not my jacuzzi.

Gary: that convex alien ship in the middle of the butter...

me: THIS is the power of wax paper!!! it kept the microwave clean from a tomato bomb!!! it cooked the Puttanesca olive all the way through!!!

Jen: next time try cheesecloth.

dentist holding a water-flosser: what good are healthy gums if you're alone?

Kevin Blackistone: i didn't get into sports journalism for the sports, i did it to get access to the weightroom. i did it for my health. the author of the Arthur Aardvark books leads The Open. I'm a professor.........of sports. the worldwide power outage is gonna affect the Olympics.

Jackie Fitzgerald: ...

Jules Smith: the English cucumber is so big and bumpy it counts as ONE, not two...

Queen Kate out and about: i booked an eternal reservation at Islands restaurant in the Del Monte Center in Monterey.........a forever reservation.........in case Keanu changes his mind...

Pam: i mean you're here again so you might as well see the jubbies.

goat on cliff: i'm gonna be okay, you human mountain-climbers are crazy.

Lou Dobbs: i was TRULY scary.

Neil Armstrong: i was responsible for that Working Girl scene with the housewife vacuuming bottomless.

Andrew Gold: when Laraine Newman dumped me, i lost my way there for the rest of the '80s, i was floating in the Milky Way or something...

dad: the story has a happy ending?

Gary: yeah, i went to work for Steve Jobs. you always got the sense Steve Jobs was doing it for the right reasons, that he actually CARED, he wanted to help, better, and ADVANCE humanity.

Steve Jobs: tech sucks, i'm a priest.

me: happy weekend, my babies.

dad: what's on the menu, son? i'm bringing a hungry guest.

Gary: i warn you, i'm always tired and i eat A LOT.

Jen: The Burger Den, has that Medieval-tavern vibe, Queensryche in jester uniforms are the house band...

Gary: has a nice fireplace. i smoked crack by that fireplace.