THE PRIEST & THE KIT KAT: SAILOR STARS ON TV!!!

 

me: want a cross?

Peewit: i'm tempted.

Jen R: you won't get a temple priestess. have you seen Sailor Mars? she's feisty. and frosty. that girl wears red high heels under her robe.

Peewit: i raided my own candy shoppe. i put everything in a great big furry red Santa bag: Hot Cocoa LIFE Cereal, Coca-Cola Jack Daniels, Fireball Cinnamon Whisky, Irish Cream Mean Bean, and Peppermint Crunch Junior Mints. there's nothing seasonal left on the shelves.

Jen R: why?

Peewit: Buddhism was a temporary gig.

Buddha: transitory.

Peewit: this has been my lifeplan all along. i was going back to Big Sur to become a REAL monk. 

me: is this why Jen and i are getting into your speedboat?

Three Dog Night "Joy to the World" plays in the candy shoppe one last time...

Peewit: they gotta take me now!!! they gotta let me in without a key!!! i'm showering the monk brother fellas with all this Christmas food!!! i have one more surprise up my robesleeve if they reject me once again.

Jen: is this a Friday the 13th thing?

Peewit: Buddhists LOVE 13. nothing to do with the Buddhist Satan. it's weird tho, right? why does Friday the 13th always fall on Christmas, not Halloween?

Jen: yeah, in the '80s at St. Cyril's we'd debate whether or not to ditch school on Friday the 13th. the problem was there was always a test that day because it was a Friday!!!

barbekitchen: Barbie's kitchen.

Shorey Wesen: i was conceived along the sandy shores of a beach lobster pit in Boston.

Wednesday: football purgatory.

Jules Smith: NFL, not Premier League.

Michael Weiss: Instagram doesn't work if everybody just stands there STARING...

Northern Exposure: the writing is prestige.

Deepak Chopra: i was a blubber growing up.

Alejandro: while you were busy posting your Disneyland vintage pics on Instagram, i was posting my Disneyland DATE pics!!!...

Ronaldo: i thought ball gag was when i miss the soccer ball in the net.

Steven de Jesus: i kiss my fingers in blessing like i'm smoking a joint.

Papa Smurf: the name of the best kush is Let Smurfette.

Christopher Kimball: never a good look when the label on your wine bottle gets blurred by PBS.

Rosemary Gill: my face is INTERESTING.

Dragon Ball Z: Dead Zone.

Garlic Jr.: i'm short and this movie is a short.

Dead Zone black hole: don't worry, it's just chocolate chunks in a vanilla-raspberry swirl.

Akira Toriyama eating a chocolate waffle: you like the Looney Tunes sound effects?

Goku: wait, you like DBZ and you chose to be a PRIEST?!!! i thought we were magic brothers.

Peewit: it's complicated.

Shenron the dragon: you want immortality?

Garlic Jr.: yes.

Shenron: okay but i just got off the phone with your lawyer and he says you got life in prison without the possibility of parole.

Marlena Evans: how does a 40-minute cartoon make $6 million?

Evita: Dragon Ball was our soap opera when we were growing up in Argentina. while my mom was watching Pasion de Gavilanes i'd sneak into the large den and fantasize about Goku.

Goku: i'm at the end of my quest. where are the Dragon Balls?

Julie Patzwald: it's just me. i was cheated, i should have done MANY MORE EPISODES of The Dead Zone on USA.

Chi-Chi Rodriguez: i thought Dragon Ball was a Japan thing.

Julie Patzwald wearing a halo: no, USA Network.

Chi-Chi Rodriguez: am i from Peru?...

Puar: i'm not really flying, i'm just REALLY high on catnip.

Stephen King: Julie Patzwald could have been saved if she had married me.

Hoop Dreams.

Arthur's dad: look at my face, it smiles with hoop hopes and 1970s warm goofiness. with basketball bravado. with gentleness. my face looks EXACTLY like my son Man's face.

dad: and i called my son Creature. i was gentle with him, too.

me: *crying*

Arthur's dad: all that post-drugs praying, all that post-dealing churching, and i end up dead by a robber. i looked at my son's face when we was at church...

Arthur: my face was ashen. i had the face of an atheist. a nonbeliever. a believer in the bitter harshness of life.

LeBron James: hey guys, Arthur and William, it's gonna be easier for me...

Arthur: yeah so i ended up going to college at the first-ever playset, that Roy Rogers playset...

William: it's a MIRACLE the two of us are HERE, STILL ALIVE, doing a podcast together 30 years later in the 2000s years.

William Gates and Arthur Agee, the two old men, hug.

Arthur: the both of us didn't get into the old stuff. no wine coolers. we danced in the smallest of rooms. we danced in the smallest of front yards. but we danced. and now we can take a beat to breathe and reflect. and we can cry like a river.

Ariana Araiza: i'm wearing a yellow dress like a yellow rainslicker for this rare rain on the Monterey Peninsula.

Super Mario: sprinkle little bits of potato chips all around on top inside your recycled-goods bin, we trashmen LOVE that. 

Juan C. Lopez: i don't mind.

Super Mario: yeah but you're that saint from recycling,

Trinity the cat: turn the litter box 180-degrees, then pour the kitty litter in, trust me.

Greykid the cat: you never want to see a cat slow-walking towards you...

Luke Russert: my new grocery bag is this BIG-ASS Costco Wholesale outer-space-puffy shopping bag. 

Jen R: that Costco bag is the stupidest thing in the world. it can't end with THAT!!! 

me: i know. at least make those bags blue, not white!!!

Jen R: and my dad worked for NASA.

The Brown Bunny: a movie about the history of the Nesquik company.

sandwich: i'm not a real food.

hot dog: then where does that leave ME?!!!

sandwich: i'm not a real food.........unless you add some Tory tomatoes.

Chad Reynolds: Melissa Maker is nice but i really just wanted to be Freddie Freeman.

Joe Pera: you will not find a husband. all you will be left with is one Senzu bean.

Lucio: don't look at me. Luigi, that was a mob hit, that was Italian-mafia training. i have no connection to the mob, i played video games as a kid. 

Christian Bale: i was a prisoner in Syria for 13 years but they treated me well. they kept asking me to put on the cowl, it's a religious thing with them.

The Amazing Kreskin on The Johnny Carson Show: i was never a magician. i was a mentalist.

Johnny Carson: so you were smart?

The Amazing Kreskin: i made money doing THIS, didn't i? 

Johnny Carson: your name sounds like a potato chip. that same old lady's potato chip i ate.

The Amazing Kreskin: i was a human who made you laugh. i still lived with my mother at age 70.

me: my hero. the smell of pee is depressing. 

Mulder: they're not aliens. aliens would never come to New Jersey.

Jen, Peewit, and i are WHIZZING ON THE SURFACE OF THE PACIFIC OCEAN in Peewit's speedboat at 40mph.

me: nothing to do with pee?

Peewit steering the speedboat with his sandaled bare foot: i'm gonna fix the monks' community television so it broadcasts Sailor Moon: Sailor Stars!!! 

Jen eating spray: a few wires here and there. like my brain.

Peewit crackling electricity from the sky: do you know what this means? Sailor Moon: Sailor Stars has NEVER been shown on TV!!!

Jen: Sailor Moon Sailor Stars, that's four words, four is unlucky to Buddhists.

Usagi: are you fucking kidding me? after 500 FUCKING EPISODES and ALL those fucking adventures in space, in the series finale i'm STILL a 16-year-old girl?!!! i mean they didn't even graduate the Sailor Guardians from high school!!! at least have the next season be Sailor Moon: The College Years. why is my boyfriend in the first season a woman now?...

THE PRIEST & THE KIT KAT: CROSSES IN THE HOT SPRING

 

Peewit: i've never gotten pharmacy eggnog before, you know? i've never drunk CVS eggnog. i was on my new holiday tradition with the eggnog hunt. the candy shoppe needed eggnog, i was fresh out. from last year. 

me: how long does it take to make a new batch of eggnog?

Peewit: 27 years. 

Jen R: how can you trust CVS? those LONG-ASS receipts are code-switching.

Peewit: well of course i was uncertain. the pharmacy beer last week wasn't EXACTLY flat so it was worth a go. so i prayed on it. i knew the world was in its right place when i saw at the bottom the CVS receipt was printed in the county of Syria, so obviously the Syrian government had finally stabilized.

Hercule Poirot: the trains AREN'T running on time, that's a good sign.

Jen: i have hope for Syria. IF they elect Kamala as their president.

Super Mario: my boys and i have seen Jackie Fitzgerald's waterbed.

Jen R: you're cooler than me!!!

Jackie Fitzgerald: can't beat the classics.

Super Mario: yeah she opens the gate ONLY for us. so we can do our yardwork. we peep her chamber window from the grass. 

Jackie: the chamber of delights.

Toad with a rake: our boss Jesus Montanes knows the password, it's near the hose.

Mario: wait, i thought I was you guys' boss?

Jesus Montanes: i am the Mountain King. i'm more powerful than Jesus. but not as powerful as the Ox King.

me: that's it, Gunther is Jackie's next husband. i saw him walking Jackie's ragged White Golden Retriever dog Falkor on my walk this morning. you are officially LOCKED IN, dude.

Gunther: if Jackie's dog doesn't maul you upon first contact, you've made it into the family. i can hold my own but i ain't THAT strong.

Jackie: Falkor is a bit overprotective of me. he senses danger wherever his nose goes.

Jen R is fucking Sir David Attenborough on Jackie Fitzgerald's waterbed.

Sir David Attenborough: this waterbed is emblematic of what Earth will be in a few years...

Jen R: those palm trees on fire in Malibu hurt my heart. 

Lorne Michaels: the key to writing for Saturday Night Live is to come up with STRANGE NAMES.

Dragon Ball Z: Dead Zone.

Garlic Jr.: yes i'm doing all this taking over the galaxy because i'm overcompensating for being short. no great villains are short. even Nosferatu was taller than me. i've tried losing Aaron Rodgers's number but he won't let me.

green men: GARLIC BREAD!!!

Goku: guys, let's keep fighting, i don't want to lose this perfect triangle.

Kami: you're just an edgelord, Garlic Jr.

Piccolo: I am the most beautiful shade of green.

Krillin: for future reference for Android 18, i am not into golden showers.

Garlic Jr.: do the words "Vanilla Ice hanging by his ankles" mean anything to you?

Kami: no, i listen to Biz Markie. and i prefer Mortal Kombat-style fighting.

Piccolo: imagine a world where you, Garlic Jr., live in a world that's just you. and bread.

Hoop Dreams.

Jon Arbuckle: i'll be providing the dancing.

Roger Ebert: to the Nominators i say: leave your flashlights at home in your Oscar bags, just sit down relaxedly in your heated private theaters and watch this 3-hour slice of American life. not laid-back life, laid-out life. not happy life, rife life. not easy life, masterpiece life.

Gene Siskel: yeah, flashlights are for making shadow puppets in the theater. you know, when the screen is white.

Ebert: why do my shorts smell pungent?

Batavia: where Dracula grew up.

Dracula: i'm calmer now that i started drinking garlic tea.

everything's better when you're at a McDonald's in 1991.

Arthur's mom at college: it's a different world out here.........i love that show. that Lisa Bonet is CUTE.

the State Championship will take place inside this Illinois UFO.

Mardith: Flat River scares me, it's got that Gus Van Sant vibe.

recruiter: don't mind the Playboy poster in my office.

Julie Patzwald: nice goth sunny-day umbrella!!!

me: the TINGLING in MY fingers as someone ELSE signs a scholarship...

Tony Toni Tone: it feels good. yeah. it feels good. to know that you're there for me. it feels good. to know that you CARE.

the St. Joe's Awards Banquet: the Queensryche song "Promised Land" plays in the background...

Coach Pingatore: write off the people you love. write off your family. you see this basketball in my hand? this basketball is now your orange wife.

Jackie Fitzgerald: PUSH the blinds UP by pushing your finger DOWN on your window at 6AM at night for my Love Shack After Hours.

Jen R: as i push DOOOWWWNNN i say LOOOVVVEEE SHAAACK.

the latest class at Berkeley: Nietzsche Ballet, going off that Nietzsche dance quote.

Kyle Brandt: you had no idea i was this SHORT!!!

Achilles: i had my Wrath of Achilles but you blew out your Achilles, that's worse.

Jamie Erdahl: Kyle had a wrap of Achilles.

Kyle Brandt: no i'm not fucking Jamie Erdahl, i'm actually one of the good guys, i love my wife and kids.

Home "Resonance": you're late...

Archbishop Dolan from NYC: i'm a cool priest. but it's not enough.

Jen R: the Archbishop of New York MUST be charismatic like Jesus or it won't work.

Edward Hopper: you know when you're in a room full of people and you still feel alone?

Edward Hopper: you feel MORE alone the more people there are in the room.

Edward Hopper: my college professors called me Wayward Hopper.

at the Mad Batter breakfast diner, in a booth sit the Ghostbusters and Ebenezer Scrooge.

Ebenezer Scrooge: nice breakfast place.

Egon: breakfastize.

Scrooge: i have a Ghost problem...

Egon: this is the crossover i knew i wanted.

me: alright, come on let's go, i gotta cut your nails.

Trinity the cat: but i'm very talon-ted.

me: okay for that wordplay you can keep your nails sharp and use my lap as your scratching post.

Talia the cat: i even vomit cute. so you don't mind cleaning the vomit.

me: i ain't mad atcha.

Luigi: it wasn't me. Mario gave me the back of a blue shell to snort. mangia. would it surprise you to learn i took an Ivy League class on manga? it's not my fault, the Ivy league doesn't give its students free healthcare. the Ivy League doesn't FEED its students!!!

Willow: but can Google bring back Val Kilmer?

Val Kilmer: i'm not dead. but i am quantum mist right now, it's like Medieval smoke.

Willow: can Google make me taller?

me: when i do my grocery list, i always write at the top in Sharpie marker Lindy Lenz, where the fuck are you?

Lindy Lenz: aww, that's sweet. i'm traveling. just some baby plantains for me.

me: so, bananas?

Jen R: baby spinach for me, that kid of mine is growing like a sprout.

me: you're just thinking about the Green Giant right now. you just want to fuck the Green Giant.

hardboiled egg: my cooler name is soft egg.

Shorey Wesen: i'm the oil princess!!!

Shorey Wesen: Shorey Wesen is the ultimate New Jersey name.

Lili Estefan: hola mi gente.

Rauly De Molina: you sound like a Roman dictator.

Lili: Rome never took Mexico.

Stephanie Abrams: remember that Sound of Music play everybody did in 4th Grade? you performed it only in front of your classmates, no parent ever came to see it. 

Bjork: ...

Bjork: my kindergarten didn't have Arts & Crafts...

me: tell me your problems, don't disappear.

Jen R: i keep forgetting.

knees up, Mother Brown: when Doryce accidentally became a mom after that one time...

Ariana Araiza: chilly this morning. hide your dogs.

Jacques Pepin: the one thing i never knew how to make was French fries.

Freud: i was always jealous of you.

Jung: that just proves your theory. i'm not the lead singer of a Korean boy-band. 

Paul McCartney: i did "Wonderful Christmastime" because they said the Beatles had to have a Christmas song.

Kurt Cobain: Nirvana's Christmas song was "Heart-Shaped Box..."

Jaws: can we be friends?

Free Willy: i broke free from you, you made our relationship toxic.

Christian Publishers Inc.: because it's not about money...

Lenny Kravitz on a sunbaked day drying out his dreadlocks: Darlin' is better than Baby. Darlin' it ain't over till it's over.

Peewit at his Buddhist temple in rural Tokyo: the locals are weird. these people don't want a prayer slip anymore. nobody anymore rings the temple bells to get that weird muted bellring from tugging at the soft plushy velvet bell rope like it's Muppets. 

Jen R: i have a bell rope in my hair, a lovelock to win over Jackie Fitzgerald. it's not about gay, it's about goddess.

Peewit: the people laugh at prayers!!! i'm trying to save them. but all these people want to do is go to a Vowz show then hit up the hot springs at the back of my temple. that's still my property you know. they all wear crosses dangling on necklaces around their necks as they're naked in the hot spring men and women together.

Hayao Miyazaki: no separation in the hot spring because no separation in life.

Peewit: but it's not like the Japanese people are Catholic now.

Hayao Miyazaki: we like the Catholic iconography. it's very anime. the saints are painted kinky on those frescoes, like manga murals. it's all very bukkake. speaking of, i was told there was a ball gag in my size at this temple?

Peewit: the cross represents the young Japanese girls' desire to find a man. pray for a mate. nobody knows the future, it's scary and uncertain, nobody knows if they'll make another friend. the feeling of being untethered from the Red String of Fate. so these girls PRAY for a companion, a spouse, a husband who won't leave her after a month because he got bored. 

 

  

THE PRIEST & THE KIT KAT: DUBBLE BUBBLE

 

Peewit: they rejected me so i had to learn a trade. i took up electrical engineering. i became a Buddhist priest. their robes are cooler. life is tranquil here on the island. though i have to admit the village people are weird. when it comes to their religion. but they are quirky about their food which i like. they'll drink ANYTHING. i run a candy shoppe with a thatch roof on the outskirts of town, it helps me blend in with the locals so they don't shy away from the spirit. gives my cheeks and my path extra color. isolation is boring. we have 700 varieties of Kit Kat here, any flavor-chocolate paired with the wafer your little anime heart desires. you know Kit Kats, those chocolate bars that look like pianos. you can only get certain Kit Kat flavors HERE and nowhere else in the world. i'm searching for a specific flavor and color of Kit Kat...

Jen R drags my sickly body and mind to this candy shoppe. she plops me on top of Peewit's counter.

Peewit: SEAWEED KIT KAT!!! that was it.

Jen R: can it help my friend? he doesn't have much time left.

Peewit: he's in a bad way, it's like he's given up on life. seaweed cures anything. but it tastes salty and disgusting. do you like eating seaweed, sir?

me: the only Japanese food i like is candy.

Jen R: yeah, seaweed and chocolate is NOT a good combo.

me: i had another episode of the God Shakes last night, i start thinking about ETERNITY, about NEVERENDING, and my small brain can't take it, i can't mathematically calculate those parameters, i can't understand INFINITY, so i start CONVULSING, SPASMING as i hit out at my crossed dresser with the palm of my hand until i leave a cross bruise on the bridge of my nose.

Jen: this won't happen to you as long as you're wearing your double-sweater.

Peewit: yeah sometimes the body needs to breathe, a change of scenery, a change of smells, sights, tastes, a change of rules.

JUST THEN there's a tiny Christmas jingle bell at the door.

Jean-Michel Basquiat enters the candy shoppe.

Jen: oh my GOD!!! sir, can i call you J.M.?

Basquiat: not even my mom called me Jean-Michel. my dad calls me Jim.

Jen: please sign my tub of Dubble Bubble!!!

me gagging on the counter: hey, I was gonna get you that Dubble Bubble!!!

Jen: see? this is lucky for you already. the crown logo on the Dubble Bubble tub is YOUR crown, Basquiat!!!

Basquiat: who do you think licensed it? ALL brands use MY art for their logo. call me a dreamer, i thought art was supposed to be free.

Jen: and sign ONCE MORE using Madonna's signature, are you two still a thing? 

Madonna: Basquiat was my only true love, we got together when BOTH of us weren't famous yet. 

Basquiat: Madonna was bad at fucking back then.

Madonna: "Like a Virgin" is not about a big dick, it's about a feeling. Tarantino is a weird date, he's antsy.

Talia the cat: your butthole is as red, itchy, dusty, and grey as mine.

me: i need ointment from CVS.

Michael Weiss: Instagram isn't about love, it's about agenda.

Friday morning: not the same as other mornings.

meraki: only found in Milwaukee.

Eye Luggage: watch it.

Laertus: why?

Eye: she's come back from a trip to Europe and/or Costa Rica.

Houghton Mifflin: education so kids won't turn into huffing teens who ride cars without a muffler.

Talia the cat: don't put your hot plate of spaghetti on the mousepad, it ruins the insulation over time.

Jerry the mouse: i only eat spaghetti with cheese.

Dragon Ball Z: Dead Zone.

Suzy Lu: a new intro song!!!

me: THIS intro sing will stay in your head FOREVER.

Lars von Trier: that was the most DISTURBING eating of 3 apples i've ever seen.

Jen: i just can't get into anime. the clothes are cool tho.

Emperor Pilaf: people take me seriously? people think i'm a menacing threat?

Bulma: it's me, Bulma, i'm wearing my dad's white lab coat.

green villain who's not Piccolo: kids aren't supposed to eat apples!!! don't you watch Disney movies, kid? 

Gohan: of course, all anime was derived from Disney.

green villain: i can't say you're drunk, you're too innocent for that. what you're experiencing is the acid trip all animators go through before they're qualified to work at this Japanese studio.

Gohan: why do i see elephants but no dinosaurs?

Garlic Jr.: but what does my father Garlic look like?...

Hoop Dreams.

downstate: it's a metaphor.

the Hum lead singer: ...

Arthur Agee hugs William Gates.

Arthur: i love you, man. our friendship is beautiful.

William: love you too. i know. hey how'd you get bigger than me? we ain't faking it, we really are boys.

Arthur: yeah, they made it seem like we didn't know each other even tho we're the two stars of this doc!!! 

Arthur: i should major in Agriculture...

William: Computer Science. but there's no point, the computer has already been invented. i want to invent something.

cheerleader: don't be pushing me!!! SIKE, it's the routine.

Arthur's mom: i was a cheerleader back in the day. now i'm a nurse. BOTH your fantasies?

Olympic rings on the ceiling of the basketball court: in case you change your mind in four years...

The Tonight Show: you will NEVER watch this show ever again, you will NEVER be able to stay up past 11PM ever again.

"Push It to the Limit": "Danger Zone"'s younger brother.

Archer: ...

Archer: played at my bar mitzvah.

9:01 PM: NO CHORES will get done at this point.

Jackie Fitzgerald: at 6:30AM each morning be sure to SLIDE DOWN the curtain-blinds of your den door-window that overlooks my glorious PINK LOVE SHACK!!!

Saturday-morning Premier League soccer: it has replaced Saturday-morning cartoons.

Gunther holding the Sword of Power: by the power of Grayskull, I HAVE THE POWER!!! to snatch your puny soul from your puny body as you faint from fear at having seen my pure rough face.

me: there was an Eternia playset?

Heat Miser: i had cool punk hair. 

Melissa Maker: Merry Crisis. microscopic glass can't be surgically removed...

at the candy shoppe.

Peewit: watch out for the SUCTION of the bottom of your Alice in Wonderland-big-size teacup.

Ear Horn: i prefer paper teacups, dearie. and NOT just on Mother's Day. witches are scared of ceramic, it's like water to us.

Peewit: we have an assortment of rabbit food you will MUNCH, madam.

Ear: i'm old but i'm spry, sonny. i love the coleslaw with that one STRAP of cabbage that looks like a window blind.

Peewit: it's like eating my Medieval shoe.

Mashle: One Piece is homework, Mashle is recess.

Hollywood: you go to parties for work.

Manchester United: Jonny Greenwood from Radiohead plays soccer for this team.

Malta: sounds like coffee. General Foods International Coffees coffee.

Jackie Fitzgerald at the door: want some of my homemade Christmas spice cookies?

me: i want to eat your REAL cookies.

the latest Family Guy episode: people still celebrate Christmas? on Dec 25 and everything? with presents around the Christmas tree?

Stewie: stockings hung by the chimney with care. not high on the mantle enough that the stockings catch fire from the ticklish flying embers below in the fireplace.

Brian: the whole family gathers round the Christmas tree, not in separate rooms with separate TVs...

Chloe Fineman: it's your new holiday tradition: you find eggnog somewhere, anywhere, BEFORE the first SNL of December...

Marina Sirtis: i'm playing Princess Ariel in the Thundarr the Barbarian live-action movie...

Paul Mescal: if Harry Potter had a personality.

Gaia: are you gonna tell your wife you're gonna be gone awhile?

Sir David Attenborough: i haven't spoken to my wife in 70 years, that's why we're still married.

David Tennant sucking on a lemon drop: there's a spirit phone in my TARDIS.

Matt Smith: not Sprint.

Peewit: yeah so the island is Japan.

The Wallflowers song "The Difference" plays in the background in the candy shoppe...

 

   

LET THE EARTH REST: THE TRANSFER/ A SHORT NAP

 

Gaia: you are to become Gaia for the next 2000 years.

David Attenborough: now that i think about it...

Gaia: i know how you feel, as The Buddha nobody paid attention to me, either.

David: this is perfect, i actually had nothing scheduled to do after i died, my planner is clear. i was scared of getting bored. now i have something to look forward to again!!! to get up for.

me: i gotta put on a sweater again, i'm getting cold.

Jen R: you know, you never get it right. you never have on what you need for that particular weather.

me: or off.

Jen: what would you do without me here? here, let me help you get the double-sweater back on.

Lindy Lenz is lounging on her back on a pool-floatie bed the perfect size of her body on the gentle drifting waves of the frozen pond. 

Lindy Lenz: the sunglasses add a nice touch on the tundra. glare. pina-colada popsicle.

Gordon Ramsay: white styrofoam take-out boxes are the bane of my existence.

Nigella Lawson: they are my ecstasy. carry me on your carry-out of rib rapture.

Jackie Fitzgerald: the world's oldest bird just laid an egg. sounds like me. we're both 70.

Jen: i want to be like you.

Jackie: you'll never reach 70, toots. i've banged the best of 'em. i banged Humphrey Bogart AND Lauren Bacall, separately. 

me: so i'm walking past your gate in the morning.

Jen, singing: Love Shack/ is a little ol place where/ we can get TOGETHER.

Jackie: that's fun.

me: the gate slightly opens, slightly ajars, and a figure with long blonde hair is behind it. 

Jackie: naturally you thought it was me.

me: i stop and stick my foot inside your gate to wave hi.

Gunther: but it was ME!!! the boyfriend!!! that's long BLOND hair!!!

me: you gave me SUCH a fright!!! you scared the BEJEBUS out of me!!! i was not expecting YOU!!!

Gunther: was it my cold icy stare?

me: i can't take you. you startle me to death with your He-Man-ness.

me: Gunther, your face haunts me...

Mitch Hedberg in Central Park: when you ask your date out, you ask her "wanna cup of coffee?". but it will never be ONE cup of coffee. there will always be TWO cups of coffee. unless you share one cup of coffee with a straw. next time ask your date "do you want two cups of coffee?" and see if she doesn't dump you. these are the jokes i would have done three years after my death.

Murder on the Orient Express (1974).

Professor Plum: she has hidden fire. to go with this snowy train.

Vanessa Redgrave: people forget i had red hair.

Lauren Bacall: wait, can a letter-opener kill? i use this letter-opener that was planted in my purse to give myself a facelift.

Moe Howard with a gold grill for teeth: shoot. your questions.

Larry Fine: can i be serious for once in my life? i had that Stooge face where people thought i did drama before.

Ms. Krause: no talking out of turn, this is 6th Grade, not kindergarten.

Jerry Springer: everyone on this train, take care of yourself and each other.

Wagon-Lit: when there's a snowdrift and you have a nice butt.

Macbeth: light thickens like fish oatmeal.

Batman: i was a champion cricketer before that unfortunate incident with Pinocchio's bug.

Hildegarde: all my ladies say i'm a good cook. i'm Beyonce wearing a chef hat.

trunk call: when Snuffy REALLY needs to talk to Big Bird after snorting WAY TOO MUCH cocaine up that elephant nose of his.

Albert Finney: turns out, i'm pretty GOOD as Poirot!!! huh? you all hated me, you all badmouthed me, you all tried to TRICK me, you thought i was DUMB.

Poirot: you served in the British army in India?

butler: yes, sir, as a Robin Hood. i gave Mr. Belvedere his first spotted dick.

Poirot: pardon moi, my moustache fell in my glass of water. newspapers have covid on them. i play air violin to relax from the stress of being Belgian.

Sean Connery: that was the most halfhearted knife-stab i've ever plunged into someone.

Julie Patzwald: our amended goth-band name: Rotter. our new player of the moon glockenspiel: Selena.

Jacqueline Bisset: i am not Genevieve Bujold.

Ingrid Bergman: i won the Oscar because i was goofy. i played a goofy character with a goofy voice.

Agatha Christie: i mean this is the ONLY BOOK i'm known for.

Agatha Christie: Hercule Poirot in this movie should have had a HANDLEBAR MUSTACHE...

Hercule Poirot: madam?

Agatha Christie: yes?

Hercule Poirot: your name sounds like you're in agony.

Wendie Malick in hot yoga pants rifling through an outside trash can: i'm a bag lady. i carry these FOUR large Neiman Marcus shopping bags around with me at all times everywhere i go during the holidays as i roam the streets. did you see the latest Night Court? it was about a hole. i am not confident going forward about my job security.

the Toyota Lady: why aren't i in the cast of SNL?...

Wendie Malick: my sister the Toyota Lady still has a job SELLING TOYOTAS?!!! doesn't make sense.

David Attenborough: my fellow humans, do you know what a snale is? it's a snail that has Darwin'd himself into a whale.

Buddha: and when he sings through his spiral baleen teeth, his blowhole sounds out in Alice in Chains.

David: and do you know what a wombat whippoorwill is?

Buddha: those birds with the scary yellow eyes. eyes wild like a wombat. how do they get their eyes yellow like that?

David, gently sighing: from eating too many McDonald's French fries.

AT-AT Walker: can i be a wombat walker?

Coldplay "Viva La Vida": always playing at your Safeway.

Chris Martin: i always get those two words, viva and vida, confused.

St. Patrick's Cathedral in NYC: the best place to be a Roman Catholic growing up.

Mr. Kotter: yeah...

Julie Patzwald: i am a devotee of cold. but not snow. snow is boring. when we were stuck in that snowdrift aboard the Orient Express, i passed the time reading books about how the Disneyland Monorail was electric-powered in the 1970s. goths only eat BLUE snowcones. 

wiktionary: we take a more British bent...

Boc: fog walks are more mystical than Boc walks.

Robot Chicken: ...

Seth Green: more mistical.

 

professor: you can trust me, i have a handlebar mustache. i wrote your McGraw Hill textbook on natural disasters. people believed in science in the '80s.

Suzy Lu in a 1970s Stevie Nicks black-and-orange-fish kimono: you have a feral fragrance about you. you're musky like a Scottish hound.

Steejo: i want to stick my Connery cock in your NESSIE BIG BUTT, suck on your tiny swaying deflated-balloon titties, and cum all over your bonnie-lass face.

Suzy: your wee wee-wee.

Steejo: yes.

Suzy: i am medically unable to have children so go nuts.

Steejo: no condom?

Suzy: *heavy Scottish sigh* no condom.

Steejo: bless ya.

Paul: you guys are a bunch of electric yokels.

me: yes, electronica-only for me.

Mashle: the humor is dry.

Mashly: but my math tits are wet. one tit is the size of Earth. the other tit is the size of Planet X.

Doctor Who: the zeitgeist has gone out of the balloon. let's take the TARDIS and travel back to Dec 7, 1989 where we can reboot the show...

John  Belushi: how did i get hit by a NYC taxi in the snow on Christmas and not feel any pain? i did the fog walk in the Marines...

Christmas lights 2024: the last flicker of joy. the last flicker of hope.

female Matlock: CBS and old people, a built-in LARGE audience.

turkey: without VIVID storytelling i can't fly.

Dan Casagrande: i'm the type who ends up a side-character in a cutscene from the Family Guy Christmas special. 

Brian: the joke was reverse mortgages don't work. i told your dog this.

Savannah Guthrie: in your dream i'm in a large indoor diamond-carpeted wood theater with you. the light above us is so bright it's the Christian Heaven. we're swooning through the previews.

me: all that Harrison Ford trivia.

Savannah: after the movie we stroll outside with the sunny breakers to one side of my purse. i check out the 20 wood garage doors all along the bare promenade.  

me: the beach heats my feet.

Jellycat: we're jealous that we will never be Care Bears.

Ms. Talbott: only i can REVIVE the Notre Dame organ. 

The Pope: so you're an old lesbian?

Ms. Talbott: Ms. Talbott is my SPICE name. no with my mouth. the jazz in my mouth.

The Pope: jazz comes from the heart, it's not learned by rote, it's freestyle. oh the one in Paris, i thought you were talking about the one on La Cienega.

Gaia: i accept this assignment with open arms. i may just be able to save Planet Earth yet.

Bill Nye: save the world. i'm next in line.

Gaia: i'll save Earth from behind the scenes, silently, without my booming words. that no one heeded. i'll be quiet but i won't stay quiet. a gentle nudge. i'll SHOW, not speak. i'll show them. i will be there for them always. i shall not abandon them, even after our home has turned to cinder. i'll be there when the Amazon Forest needs a drink. i'll be there when the ocean get thirsty. i'll be there when the forest needs a ripped-open brown McDonald's bag full of French fries to be gently picked up. i am a gentle breeze you don't feel. LET IT NEVER BE SAID SIR DAVID ATTENBOROUGH STOPPED TRYING.