Friday, May 24, 2024



me: i got a text from Jen P.
Jen R: how is that gorgeous bride-to-be doing?!!!
me: she says to go crazy with the palmiers, you can never eat too many palmiers during summer. and that today is the first day of summer...
Jen P: because all the new TV shows are over, both live-action and cartoon. enjoy eating your summer palmiers, that light sugary taste, that golden silk made from Storybook International straw. palmier braids are comforting, and I know braids.

on Wheel of Fortune.
Pat Sajak: why is there yellow straw in my dressing room? 
contestant: Pat, i'm ready to solve the puzzle: Right In The Butt.
Pat: yeah that's it. 
Vanna White: it's breastfeeding, not bestselling, okay?
Lawrence Tierney, one of the three contestants: i wasn't scary, i just kept a lot of things bottled up inside, for instance that i was Maura Tierney's father. my daughter kept telling me to get out, so i left the house in 1979. i knew how to dance but nobody wanted to see me dance when i went to bars...
Alex Trebek: Wheel of Fortune, brought to you by: Jim Beam. Jim Beam, people are good. for you. but not you.

we're at the back entrance of the Big Sur Library in Jen's car.
me: okay i know you MUST have a bumper sucker that says READ A BOOK on your car.
Jen R: yep. and one that says DON'T MISS PHISH!!! (at the Sphere in Las Vegas). want some M&Ms? i got the GIANT-ASS M&M bags.
me: how'd you know? i love the PEANUT M&Ms like i like the knuckle on my forefinger. 
Jen: as Foreigner plays in the background. two for the Amy Winehouse biopic, please. what's your favorite movie food?
me: a GIANT-ASS pail of popcorn with lots of dripping hot movie butter. 
Jen: no drizzle for you. it depends, if it's in a theatre i only eat purple candy. if it's at home i only wear red in honor of Netflix.

Stephen Hawking: drive carefully, there is no Heaven. that's the bumper sticker on my motorized walker.
Fuerza: why you gotta harsh my buzz, Stephen Hawking?...
Stephen Hawking: come on, God, let's watch a couple episodes of SilverHawks together.
Fuerza: man you cold like SilverHawks steel.

Howard Hesseman: was i a disc jockey in real life? no. was i a gifted teacher? no. was i a gifted actor? yes. was i a hippie in real life? of course, look at my hair. i am not a homeless man, okay? did i make out with your mother in the soffit? yes, ask her.
Melissa Maker: that mother was me. i was wearing my SoFit steps-counter wristband during it just to see.
Hesseman: the WKRP outro sounds like the Blossom intro...

sliced avocados: the only dish you use a SHORT FORK with.

Danielle Collins: look at my face, not my tits. now, picture me as a blonde.........i'm Rebecca De Mornay. call me Sara...

Julia Child: you gotta admit, doing the whole thing with the pie weights is weird...

Paul: it's your fault your trash can is sticky, you put a mango in there.

at Carmel Beach.
E.Z. Taylor: if you have someone, a surfboard on top of your car is cool. if you don't, it's just sad. if you're getting a divorce, it's lazy.
Jack Tripper: we're talking about E.Z Taylor here, a legend in his own time.

Santa at Safeway: come on, man, take down that tiny-ass wreath on the front grill of your mack truck, it's fucking May. Safeway at 10AM is my only alone time. away from the missus. a tiny-ass time. THERE'S NO GREEN NOTEBOOK IN THIS PLACE?!!! to touch the good-luck green? i'll settle for this tiny-ass purple Vaporwave pad. man with one of those tiny-ass teacup dogs on his shoulder, i used to put Rudolph on my shoulder like that when he was a pup...

Batman Beyond.
Terry: four cracked ribs.
Kevin Conroy: what about your breathing problem?
Terry: i'll breathe when i'm dead.

Paul: waterproof waterbed for incontinence...

SNL 1992 intro: that's not a sign for porn lit up in Broadway lights, that's a car wash...

Rishi Sunak smoking a cigarette: it's a drag, man, but i had to do it...

Leslie Sbrocco: why do you have a show?
Christine Cushing: ...
Leslie: oh...

Super Mario: really? the EXACT SPOT on the grass the recycling bin goes on is where the mole hive entrance is?...

Robin Hood: the bullseye Lyme disease bite is so depressing...

Nigella Lawson: in Britain it's pronounced prinCESS. why wasn't i a princess on Storybook International?
Simon Cowell: and why wasn't i a dunce on that show?

Tara Strong: my clock doesn't say it's 6:30, it says it's 6:38.........YOU'RE LATE!!!

seagull: what am i doing in Carmel? when i could be flying around at the beach or in a forest or at least in a park...
Carmel: do we have waterfalls?...

me: wait hold on, how can i purport to be a Vaporwave hardcore junkie if i stopped drinking Coke?...
Jen R: try a Pepsi vending machine again. soda sober is tricky, i mean are you never again gonna drink a can of ginger ale the rest of your life?!!! even when you're at Disneyland?!!!

Northern Lights: we're Vaporwave now...

Mission tortilla chips: because you fell in love with OUR Mexican brown bag...

Eye Luggage: The Magician (1958) and go. 
Ingmar Bergman: i pray to God this all goes smoothly. this is all so neat-o. why did i give this one my only happy ending? look at my face in all those behind-the-scenes photos, i'm having a BALL!!! for someone ass-deep in darkness, i'm always smiling!!! i'm smiling in every interview, too. because i truly LIKED writing and directing!!! theatre life was SO much better than being a postman...

Bibi Andersson: look at my tits i mean face, would you believe me if i told you i was not Swedish but Swiss?...
Roger Federer drinking hot chocolate: ...

Ingmar: look at my face, get it? this is called The Face everywhere else because it was originally about a boxer, i co-wrote the script with Rod Serling...
Rod Serling: talk about a dream team!!!

Max von Sydow: i mean were we born lucky or what? we just happened to be born right place right time where we all entered Ingmar's acting troupe and that was our lives, to act in all these groundbreaking plays. we didn't go to school or the prom or nothing, we just started acting when we turned 14, it was the greatest fucking circus of all time...

Ingmar: no Oscar for this one?
Billy Crystal: sorry, i was a little busy attending Robin Williams's funeral.
Ingmar: ooh that sounds dark, let me get my camcorder, i'm gonna film the funeral for my next film...

Albert Vogler: just call me Dracula. 
Ingrid Thulin: that John Waters pencil mustache of yours is freaky. don't come to bed with that mess.
Ingmar: there's a little Nosferatu in here, too, i'm gunning for the reboot helm. my chair size is 3.
Ingrid: what's the big deal? i'm just doing drag.

Magnetic Health Theater: featuring Slim Goodbody and Jamie Lee Curtis!!!

Ingmar Bergman: God is not neat, but movies are...

Granny Vogler: i was a babe on vaudeville. a babe on the vaudeville stage. 
Gladyce with a kiss on her old wrinkled cheek: Granny Vogler!!! how was Copenhagen?
Granny Vogler: we had to move back. Ingmar doesn't let us have any fun.
Doryce: just stay in those Evil Dead woods for a while and the fun will pick up.

Tubal: i'm the Charlie Sheen of this group, i got the Charlie charisma. 
Bibi: you made my Swiss braids curl up and i popped out of my bustier!!!

the driver: call me Homer...
the driver: as in i take you home...
the Coachman from Pinocchio: Guillermo who? this movie is about invisible puppet strings...

Vogler: animal magnetism is a thing. but humans aren't really animals...
Thulin: right? it took you FOREVER to ask me to prom.

Ingmar: there's truth in numbers, there's truth in the troupe...
Max: the troupe in this movie and our troupe in real life... 

Johan Spegel: those screams in the woods were my indigestion at having missed the final Depeche Mode concert. look into my eyes as i die, there's nothing on the other side.
Vogler: you're cheating!!! i can see your eyeballs moving under your lids. you're in REM sleep.
Spegel: that's why i'm not scared of death, death is a dream.
Michael Stipe drinking an iced Nescafe: no i do NOT want a VOGUE Magazine to read!!!

Egerman: we're a very close-minded village, we believe in God but not the occult.
Ottilia: speak for yourself, i need a toy boy. 
Egerman: notice how we never questioned you about the body in the carriage...
Ottilia: i was told this would be Hamlet.
Ingmar: close enough...

Vogler: i am mute.
Ottilia: join me in my chamber when the husband leaves for night work. the strong silent type, i like that in a man, even though they later end up going crazy from holding it in. about my dead daughter...
Vogler: that's a real boner-killer, madam.

Kevin Kline: i am Dr. Vergerus, Minister of Health. but you may call me Kevin Kline. i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown but you won't see that on my face, you'll only see strength, i have to keep it together for what's left of my family.

Dirg: wait is that true? a human can ingest rat poison and it doesn't really have an effect on him? just wondering...

Bibi: i don't need any strange smelly love potions, i just need to keep my Swiss tits washed. what happens to you when i push your face into my tits?
Simson: stop it, i'm gay!!!.........okay i'm not gay.........why is there yellow straw everywhere?...

Sanna: Granny frightens me to death, and i'm young. she's a witch!!!
Gladyce: no, she's the finest soprano i ever heard. 
Doryce: you should hear her sing some time to you, child.
Sanna: that is such a sweet lullaby, Granny. do you think i'll fall in love with a soldier passing by the village?
Granny: girl why would you want to do that? don't you want a good life?
Sanna: Granny, how old are you?
Granny: we're all the same age...
Sanna: Granny, what is love?
Granny: the thing humans think about to distract them from least for a while...

Johan: i wasted my life.
Billy Corgan: get in line, pal.
Johan: i'm crazy but not crazy crazy.
Vogler: you know instead of dying in this coffin, you could just run away and start over in the next village...
Billy Corgan: are you wrestling's The Undertaker?...
Johan: yeah i'm not really dying, i just have a drug problem. actors feel more than other humans, you know?
Ingmar: and filmmakers think more. producers should write more.
Vogler: want a Vicks cough drop?

Vogler: want me to strike you with your own walking cane?!!!
Kevin Kline: who are you, Liam Neeson?
Vogler: i shall bundle you out into the next room!!! that's how fights work on stage in a theatre play...

Laertus: HE SPEAKS!!!
Max von Sydow: fooled ya.
Ingmar: yeah i couldn't rightly pay Max the full amount, the severance pay for actors, if he never said one line. 
Max: i have a big package.
Ingmar: although he does have a striking face. like the good doctor your face haunts my nightmares, Max. for that alone, hazard pay.
Vogler: i don't speak to people because it's such a hassle.

Henrietta: my husband has a hairy mole on his cock.
husband: it's a skin tag on my penis.
Henrietta: he's never taken our daughter to Chuck E. Cheese, i like the chicken robot there. why do my innards feel Wavy Gravy? oh i get it, animal magnetism, because you use actual magnets...

Ingmar: WAIT!!! we're not doing this scene, give the chains to LeVar Burton, i hope Roots wins the Emmy. we'll give the big guy a part on Game of Thrones.
Vogler: like the great Harry Houdini i shall fake my own this is not an Andy Kaufman lobster-water thing...
Ingmar: we'll get Scully to do the autopsy, she specializes in alien bodies...
Mulder: thanks.

Ingmar Bergman: and we end this film with circus music!!! i was jovial in the edit bay, i had just started taking holy basil...

Ingmar Bergman: g'night folks. or as we say in Sweden, i bid you a fond adieu.

Jen and i by the cookout open grill fire outside the library: happy weekend, my babies.
me: what are we eating this weekend?
Jen R: you mean drinking. have you ever tried Rocket Ship?
me: what's that? what concoction up your brain.
Jen: lemonade with two scoops of Lipton iced-tea powder. 
me: my life is meaningless without you. what are we eating this weekend? 
Jen: the new Burger King Philly Cheese melt.
me: i'm eating it while doing the Boyz II Men "Motownphilly" dance. with my Cooleyhighharmony walking cane. 
Jen: you can only eat it with the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air intro song playing in the background, i refuse to cancel Will Smith...



Wednesday, May 22, 2024



Jen R: let's explore the retirement village some more.
me: yeah, i'm feeling spiritually bereft.
Jen: i got you, i'm a delver in all faiths. is there a chapel around here?
grandma: well yeah, considering all the old people.
Jen: Zoroastrian chapel?
grandma: you're the last one on Earth!!!
Jen: i'm here to save the faith.

we go to Walter Pyramid where Bill Walton is the deacon.
Bill Walton wearing Wavy Gravy silks: throw it down, the Big Man as in God. but not all the way down to Hell.
Rishi Sunak at the lectern: yeah yeah yeah i like America, but i LOVE Tom Cruise...
Melissa Maker: i'm into polyamory but it's not about the money, it's about love. more love. prices today are ridiculous, the cost of living was high 1000 years ago, it was skyrocketing before skyrockets. everyone needs 3 incomes in the household to survive.
Link: if the sky hits it just right, this pyramid is the blue color of my Champion's Tunic silks.

Rod Serling: this retirement village gives me the creeps. it's like Night Gallery but in the daytime. i mean where do you receive your mail?
grandma: we don't get mail, we're old so it's all sweepstakes scam letters.
Rod: this wooden post plunked in your yard, this is where the mailbox should be, but instead there are knife scratchmarks with letters reading In Ictu Oculi.
Jen: that's not good, i know bad juju when i sense it. but i have the perfect counteragent spell. 

a cute little brown bunny rabbit is in the middle of the half-circle village road as we're in the village shuttle bus.
me: wait who's driving this thing?!!!

grandma on a motorized walker reading the latest issue of SpinLife Magazine: this is Highlights Magazine for seniors.

Paul has a toilet on the roof of his room at the retirement village.
Paul: this is the village toilet. remember, only TWO caca squares of toilet paper per flush. if you have more caca in you, wait til tomorrow.

Felix Cortez: when you see my face in the parking lot coming to your place of work, RUN. i have the most disconcerting face of all time. i look like Nosferatu's pet Ewok who's a social worker.

Joe Gitter: my Dutch oven is orange-red like a California mesa sunset. 
Bill Walton: Wavy Gravy, man.
Joe Gitter: i am not Joe Jackson but that is a good guess, it's close. i have glitter in my pocket. but you don't want to be in California anymore. you want to be in my home country Britain.
Gordon Ramsay: you git.
Joe Gitter: hey you can't say that to me, mate. what if i called you Gordie, yeah? i'm gonna call you Gorgeous Gordie from now on.

Greykid the cat: yes i went to Vermont State University. where i studied meteorology with Jim Cantore and the ancient art of music with Cyndi Lauper.
me: it's too painful for me to talk about honorary doctorates...

James Gandolfini: hello, i'm TV's James Gandolfini *polite applause* i had a dream last night, i am at a kitchen table with Edie Falco and Meadow and it starts raining inside, all are faces are soaking wet. but our faces are gleaming wet because we each look up into a light shining above our heads, a light so impossibly bright it could only be Heaven. see this wasn't a Sopranos thing, the three of us just happened to be in the same unrelated indie movie...

Caitlin Clark: that's a fucking foul!!! that was sexy when i yelled that, huh.
Melissa Maker: sis!!!

Amal Clooney: wanna come to the Netherlands this summer?...

Boc: as the weeds get higher, Carmel has its first jungle. you start seeing exotic animals flitting about in the weeds, like a bearded iguana. and a white boxer's towel from a boxer who just lost. lost it all. and The Barnyard being fitted with new pipes. those Carmel copper pipes will last a lifetime...

Jen: let's pop into this church, you know me, i'm Jewish but go to church. but i've never been to an 11AM service, this is gonna be a very special benediction.
the band Toto enter the glassy altar area wearing their brown silks with purple pants and start singing:

Toto: all i wanna do when i wake up in the morning is see your eyes
Hosanna Hosanna
i never thought that a holy spirit like you could ever care for me
i didn't know you were looking for more than i could ever know, because i was human

meet you all the way, Hosanna yeah  
meet you all the way, because i can't reach you, most high

Minorca: it's Menorca but Minorca looks better on the page.
Minotaur in the maze: ...

in the village rec room.
Slim Goodbody: yes, i am Marshall Mathers's father.
Eminem: DAAAAAAAD, call me Slim Shady. you're embarrassing me.

Paul at the village fountain.
Paul: take the hose and spray the fountain with water exactly at 12 noon. if there are children playing in the fountain that's their problem...
Paul's son: dad, remember when i splashed in the fountain when i was a kid?
Paul: only at Disneyland. 

i get up on the village stage for my standup set.
me: so when someone bumps into you but they immediately say sorry, you PRETEND you're okay. even though your shoulder hurts like a MOTHERFUCKER. that shoulder needs surgery but you say, "that's okay, i'm fine." 
i go back down to Jen R in the audience at a small round wood bar table.
Jen R: that was good. the power of sorry. hey this is like that scene from Fame (1980)...
Richard Belzer: i'm still alive. but i can't leave the Philippines...

Christopher Meloni: i felt so bad for Irene McGee from Real World: Seattle.
Irene McGee: um, you're on my podcast right now...
Stephen Williams: sorry, Rene. nobody knew about Lyme disease back then. i'm still at Berkeley, if you know what i mean... 

Jen takes out a deck of trivia cards from the pocket of her vintage pink grandma sweater.
Jen R: i feel so at home here. let's play a game. i show you a card with a show on it, you tell me if it was NBC, ABC, CBS, or first-run syndication.
me: '80s shows, turns out i was not a CBS boy. nor an ABC boy. strictly an NBC boy. 
Jen: Small Wonder.
me: The WB? i didn't do Perfect Strangers, Family MattersKotter, WKRP, or Raising Miranda.
Jen: Family Mattress was something else. but you didn't see The Art of Being Nick on NBC so it all evened out...

Julie Patzwald: i so love the Dr. Pepper commercial. a pale-white goth rocker girl and a white majorette could totally become besties. to heal this country. how'd you know Strawberries & Cream was my favorite Dr. Pepper?
Kurt Cobain: because you like me...

eagles: we're hippies. we're peaceniks. we're Beakniks. love is all you need. give birds a chance. say no to war, we're anti-war, war sucks. put flowers in gun holes. make nests not war. hey UN, make Ukraine and Palestine countries again!!!
Jack Kerouac: okay fine, i'll give Bell, Book and Candle a try...

Original Pantry Cafe across the street from Figueroa at the village perpendicular: we still serve free coffee but it's on the secret menu.
James Cagney: can The Pantry help a brother out? i'm a convict who needs to get back on his feet...
Spalding Gray: dance, Cagney, dance!!!

Tai at therapy.
Tai: i do Open Path, it's very yogic, it's a collective like Cheese Board pizza at Berkeley...

George Lucas at the village bike rack.
George Lucas: i invented the bicycle. i called it the swiftwalker...
George Lucas: and don't you dare call me a dandy.
Uncle Sigh the horse: but nerds are cool.
Steven Spielberg: the original name of the Millennium Falcon was Secretariat.

ALF: the family house is one of those Storybook International cottages with a blacksmith roof. 
ALF: it's the '80s, sitcom mom, it's okay to let the lecherous next-door neighbor casually slime-kiss your cheek with his tongue as long as he's holding the Christmas mistletoe.
Roy Paranzeula's father: ...

Shakespeare: i went down to Santa Cruz.........the nachos were salty...

in the village reading room.
Jim Comey: in my latest novel, the protagonist is based on Ashley Parker. oh so you thought because i was a man i simply was incapable of writing a strong female protagonist?... 
Ashley Parker: main character not man character. lead character not lady character...

Kathryn from Wendy's: that'll be the frosty Friday. wait, Frosty Friday, free Frostys on Fridays!!!

Paul: button toilets, those fancy toilets you see in hotels, doctor's offices, and Gordon Ramsay restaurants. them fancy turlets. the toilet is not a toy, kid.

Greykid: never give up your alone time with your pets.

Apple pencil: bulge pills. no, wait. pro bulge? with the new M83 chip.
M83: no, we stopped making records after the last one...

on Nadayada Island.
monks: we get a babe to do our Vespers here?...
Rafa Nadal: Seinfeld was not shown on my island...

Greykid: you want your cats to fly? Science Diet.

Amal Clooney: i take a break from ICC'ing with a little Ghirardelli.
Lindt: why does all chocolate come in squares?
Roger Federer: don't say anything, Paul.

Jen R: something's about to break soon, i feel a spell inside me.
SUDDENLY the bunny rabbit hops onto my lap and turns into Paco from Nurses who drives us home.
Paco: you saved me back there, man, because you are so terrified of driving, so you didn't drive and thus you didn't run me over. 
Jen: hey Pac, can you help us get holy? we're going to do a round.
Paco: oh yeah, like we used to sing on those puke-green puke-orange shag carpets of St. Cyril's during Extended Care!!!
Jen: do you know Dona Nobis Pacem? let's sing it together. you, too.  
me: yes, let the three of us sing it together. rounds are tricky, they take rhythm.
John Bonham: and silence.
Paco: so i guess i gotta do this, huh. i can't skip it? i can't get out of it? it's because i'm Spanish so i have to be Catholic, right?...
Pati Jinich: you look like my little brother who joined a gang. wasn't his fault, this was El Salvador in the '80s...

Jen: WE BROKE THE SPELL!!! not my spell. is everybody ready for the NOON SERVICE?!!!
Joe Jackson steps out of the curtain eaves onto the marble altar. he's wearing gold and silver silks and starts to play "Steppin' Out" on the baby grand piano in back of the pews.
Joe Jackson: i never got noticed my whole career. no i am not Willie Tanner, yes ALF still lives with me. you gotta understand, nobody accepted my lifestyle in the '80s, not even in New York City.
ALF: we're both eternal outcasts. we'll never fit into your neat little theories of life and art. how society thinks life and art SHOULD be.
Hayao Miyazaki: MTV was a mistake...
Jen R: "Steppin' Out" by Joe Jackson is OUR song.
i blush.

Monday, May 20, 2024



me: so what's the best way to get around this retirement village?
Jen R: shuttle bus. you know one of those cool green-tea-green tiny buses that only drives a couple of feet from the library to the cells because it's confined to within the confines of the village. no one knows about this bus, the outside world has no idea, only we know about this bus.
grandma: my motorized walker is faster than this damn bus!!! at least make a stop at Denny's!!!

our driver of the village shuttle bus is Henry Miller.
Jen R: is the Big Sur Library yours?
Henry Miller: you think America would let me own anything? i'm too dangerous for them. we're stopping at the library then the village, and then i'm gonna hop the fence and make a beeline to the strip club before 5PM so we get the discount.

Jen and i defenestrate out of the that shuttle window and land on our feet at the village front door, the reception circle where everyone checks in.
Jen: but they don't check out. wide area here.
there, Paco from Nurses is sweeping the ceiling.
Paco: just finishing my night shift at 1PM. Michael Keaton gave me some vitamins. i'm turning over the chandelier cups and looking to see if there's gold nuggets in them. 
Jen: whom should we look out for, Paco?
Paco: there's a schizophrenic who roams these waxed halls who looks like Santa with a ponytail in street clothes. he comes across as lucid but is anything but, don't eat anything he offers. 
Santa, sniffing: want some palmiers?
Babar: i can't eat those cookies!!! i get flashbacks!!!
Santa: i hit on all the ladies here, i'm friendly like that. ditch the rest and get with the best, forget that Gob Bluth segway, i got the fastest motorized walker in this dump, it can go 30MPH, you little shit. call me Matt Groening.
Matt Groening: you do NOT look like me, dude!!! stay in your lane, stay in your sleigh.
Santa: sorry man, wanna fight? fine, i'm David Letterman.
Matt Groening: why was "Bart's Brain" the season finale? that was a terrible concept and episode, leaves the viewer with a bad taste in their mouth thinking about The Simpsons over the summer. the season finale should have been "Cremains of the Day," that was the most heartfelt episode of The Simpsons in 30 years!!!

on the village golf course.
Nathalie Sheehan: look at my butt as i show you the correct stance. be the ball. the golf ball. the golf ball that's in my mouth. did i make you live again? are you back in the swing of things?...
golf chaplain: i'm getting a strange sensation in the front of my golf pants.

thick and fast: Doryce on Thursdays.

the elder villagers watching the community TV in the Great Timberwolf Lounge.
old people: My So-Called Life is a slog to get through.........but that's the point.
Bess Armstrong: you remember this show because you remember me being the difficult mother. with my own particular brand of bitch.
Angela: i wasn't a difficult teenager, i was a normal teenager growing up in the Grunge '90s.

Victor Mature: yes, i am Chris Noth's father.
Peter Buck from R.E.M.: brilliantine to make your hair look like The Stray Cats.
rockabilly rats at Chuck E. Cheese: and brilliantine like the carpets at St. Cyril's.

Tom Brady: i got bradycardia after that roast...

Jesus eating at Bagel Bakery: wine bagels, think about it. we gotta get back to when fishers of men baked their own bread. we gotta get back to 1989.

Caitlin Clark: are you starting to see the Caitlin Clark Heart everywhere?...

Greta Thunberg: i hate walking past a gas station and that waft of death enters my nostrils. that smell of ghastly gasoline, of putrid petrol, of fetid fuel.
Hulk Hogan: noxious nitro.

Metallica: we've teamed up with Ninja Kamui to do some things...

Rory McIlroy: call me Moving Day McIlroy. Ray Kroc took me to church, Hozier is too vegan for me.

Kathy Bates: so Andy, what do you think of a female Matlock?
Andy Griffith: ma'am i shall not respond to you. i am kindly terrified of you.

at the village dining hall around the table round.
Chris Pine: i hated being a waiter. i'm not a people person. i'm glad Red Lobster is shutting down, both reasons.

at the community SNL kitchen.
Lorne Michaels: unload the dishwasher, Bowen, i need a dirty mug for my tobacco spit.
Bowen Yang: but the show starts in 5, i'm in the Cold Open...
Lorne: unload the entire dishwasher for 10,000 guests who are coming to the wrap party, Bowen, do this from 11:30PM to 1AM.
Bowen: seriously, dude?

Michael Weiss: everyone does their Instagram work at 11PM...

overhead at St. Cyril's on Pentecost: that kicker is Catholic? well he's obviously not L.A. Catholic. he's not a coastal Catholic, we're cool.
Ernest Hemingway: the moveable feast, that's real football.

Uncle Buck: if you're a sillyheart, do regional theatre for 1st Graders. you can't be a jabberbox tho, you have to be VEWY QUIET in a blackbox theatre or the whole thing gets messed up. the play's not your thing? watch Jabberjaw.
Shakespeare: oh i hate that infernal shark. who knew a shark could be so annoying.
Jaws: ...

Arthur: people think i'm a wimp but i eat serrabanero sauce for breakfast each morning.
Muffy: do you have to go to the bathroom?
Arthur: no i do not have to go to the bathroom. what does D.W. stand for, sis?
D.W.: Don't Wash. don't wash after you use the bathroom, big bro, that's what my teacher says.

Wilson Cruz: remember notes slipped through the slots of lockers?
Angela Chase: Three Rivers, a good place for cheese. Chris Matthews is here now reliving the '90s.
Wilson Cruz: i was the first troubled gay boy America wanted to wrap its arms around and protect from the cold cruel outside world, WAY BEFORE anyone on Degrassi...
Jordan Catalano: i'm the only one who actually spends the holidays alone. my life sucks.
Lisa Wilhoit: don't mind me, i'm just the put-upon little sister who is frustratingly forever kept out of the loop.
Kevin Conroy: this show was dark like Batman: The Animated Series. no i mean like My So-Called Life was shot on a black screen or something.
Angela: that set was fucking grimy.

Greykid the cat: good win at the Preakness, my brother from another mother!!!

John Belushi: if i was still alive i'd be hosting the first episode of the 50th SNL season.
Lorne Michaels: i should just write all the sketches. 
John Belushi: remember, SNL is a long watch, eat dinner first...

Hill Street Blues: this was the actual show where they'd have tables of '80s cocaine on set for the cast instead of craft service.

Ingmar Bergman: the My So-Called Life intro, like my masterpiece Cries and Whispers.

Michael Phelps: i'll never give up. my mental-health buddy and i look after each other, we're always just a phone call away when we're struggling. right, Jay?
Jay Glazer: i love you, buddy. we have weirdly different weightlifting routines, i'm more bulk, you're more lean.
Tony Hawk: it's a little unfair for the Olympic skateboarders. there's only one half-pipe event, you swimmers get 10 races.
Michael Phelps: i gave away all my 10 Olympic gold medals to Jay Glazer.
Jay Glazer: i wear them around my stubby neck and pretend they're Olympic weightlifting medals. 

Julia Child: the patch i wear on my blouse is the French cooking school i started. the same cooking school that kicked Gordon Ramsay out.
Jen R: blouse pocket.
Gordon Ramsay: why'd you kick me out of your school, old bat?
Julia: but i'm young here. i kicked you out because all you made were hamburgers.

Ear Horn at the village pill counter: the most sumptuous smell there is is the waft from an opened bottle of Vitamin B-Complex.
Arnold Horshack: it smells like the Flintstones vitamins i eat for breakfast!!!

Loni Anderson in the red-carpeted village executive suite: i eat lunch in Jamaica at 10AM, only HARDCORE FANS of WKRP in Cincinnati would know that.
Gordon Jump: i was the last red-blooded American. i lost my U.S. Savings Bonds slip in the crack of the village community Maytag washing machine. i need a Winchell's cherry jelly donut...

Gordon Jump: look, i thought i was watching The Bicycle Thief, okay?
Gary Coleman: whatchu talkin' bout, you village villain. 

Ingmar Bergman on the village stage: Cries and Whispers was a series of stage whispers...

Snagglepuss: retire, exit stage left...

Jen R: oh Santa's not so bad, he's just weird, i get weird. but why'd you eat the entire big-ass tray of 10,000 palmiers yourself? that was for the cast and crew i mean the villagers.
Santa: because i thought i was French.
Jen: what should we wash down all these palmiers with?
Santa: my mouth's full so i can't tell you.
Jen: let's do a Mokalita.
me: you are so kind to me, you know that? you can only do a Mokalita if you have coffee AND Abuelita Mexican hot chocolate.
Jen: and you know me, i stuff my bra with 2 of those Abuelita tablets, that's why my tits are always hard.

Friday, May 17, 2024



Jen R: i'm grandmacore. i'm glad that McFlurry is pink-sweater colored.
me: bubblegum?
Takahashi: bubblefruit, only found in Japan.
me: but don't you like Slayer?
Jen: no i said Prince slays.

Jen: i mean have you watched an episode of Nurses? that NBC show from the '90s. what was up with their studio audiences? those studio audiences were drunk as fuck. they laughed LOUDLY at every joke, went crazy whenever Paco came on screen, and when there was any hint of sex, any intimation of intimacy, the woo-woos started.  
me: omg David Rasche!!! Sledge Hammer makes an appearance!!! Sledge Hammer was everything to me as a kid, that show saved me from myself and loneliness. i still became a Democrat, though. sorry, Patrick Lavender. any indication Loni Anderson fucked Rasche in the series finale?
Jen: not even mistletoe could move them. i'm pretty sure NBC fed those studio audiences the leftover table cocaine from the '80s.

The Outer Limits: 5 people on a starship in deep space don't like each other. they're different ranks, races, religions, colors. and jobs. one's a civilian, look out for her, she's a spy. the sarcastic sexual guy will die first. Final Girl is an alien who marries the captain for interspecies peace.

at The French Chef studio in 1963.
Julia Child: PBS? good, CBS sucks. see this HONK IF YOU FUCK WITH FRENCH ONION SOUP bumper sticker?
Leslie Sbrocco: where do you put it?
Julia: on my bumper. on my butt.
Grace Jones: when's the Jamaican food coming out?
Julia: i crafted the first Dutch oven in existence. French onion soup only works if cognac is the broth. 
Leslie: i always wondered what was outside. what's outside your window there?
Julia: trees. if the French onion soup is your whole dinner, you must feel very sad about your life. switch the gratin cheese to a poached egg. why are the caps on these vinegar bottles always so damn tight?
Leslie: so Melissa Maker can use them to clean off covid, you old bitch. 
Julia: but i'm young here.
Leslie: sorry. it's just, that's how i fought back against my cancer.
Melissa Maker: Ms. Julia, you pronounce the word "Parmesan" weird. and i'm French-Canadian. 
Jacques Pepin: i always move my food over to the dining room at the end of every one of my episodes in honor of Julia.
Julia: i'm more French than you.

Jen and i are at Smuin Ballet.
Jen R: i'm missing the technique here. i'm looking for ballerinas to bust balls when they ballet-slipper on my head. i'm looking for the Walnut Creek Method.
me: we gotta go farther inland...

The Good Feet Store in Sand City: you'll cry because the pain is Above 10. then you'll cry because you have no more pain.

Trevor: every teenager who looks like Frankenstein suffers from the insecurity of being 11 feet tall and unable to play basketball. when i walk to school alone in summer the weeds have grown so fucking tall, man!!! 11 feet tall, they're dangerous now. the Shel Silverstein tree gnarled into the Bagel Bakery trellis. dozens of greased-out bunked-down McDonald's breakfast bags in the trellis diamond holes.

Trevor at Safeway chopping it up with Eric the Red at the cash register. a beautiful stately woman in a long thin flowing black-lace camisole dress glides along the aisles hovering above the marble floors. 
Julie Patzwald: hi, Red. like my black?
Trevor tease-pushes Eric so hard he hits his head on the register.
Trevor: dude, THAT girl likes you?!!! she has opaque eyes. you've got yourself a genuine goth princess tracking you.
Julie: i like my men small. the cash register is bigger than Eric. 
Eric: i'm smaller than the machine i operate.
Julie: what can i say? he looks like one of those rainbow-puking gnomes from Gravity Falls. clean-shaven of course.
Trevor: when i see another dude rolling a cart with a case of Coke under, i start to get jealous again. all i wanted were the frozen grilled-cheese sandwiches but the man who cleans the ice for the frozen aisle happened to be cleaning the grilled-cheese section RIGHT as i was there in the aisle!!! blocked. cheeseblocked. what are the odds?

Paul: you want a freezer not caked in icicles? remove your icebox. you have to CHOOSE which ice you want, you can't have BOTH ICE.
Vanilla Ice: ...
Paul: or just get a hammer and hammer the fuck outta those freezer icicles.

Steejo: what could i do to make you shoot me a glance?
Suzy Lu: kickboxing is a sexy sport.
Steejo: no no, you can't take over the world kickboxing. you can only take over the world from an office.
Conor McGregor: but your pythons are MASSIVE, mate. they're like steam locomotives. are you my cousin?

merguez: the ol' sausage scam...

The Great Stink of London, Doctor Who on the River Thames.
Doctor Who: this is why i called it a dump.
Paul: i was there. it's called a toilet, look it up.
Persian garden: it's called urban planning, look it up. 
The Garden of Earthly Delights: ...

Doctor Who: it's not Uncle Who...
Uncle Grandpa: you're the world's grandpa. 

Trevor: are you my daddy?
Ed Van Nuys: yes. and Annie's.
Trevor: are you a newsman?
Ed Van Nuys: i'm fucking Ed Van Nuys. i ended the Great Depression.

chocolate windmill: ...
Roger Federer: not a sex thing. it's a Swiss delicacy. in Switzerland you can only buy an 8-oz box of chocolate.

Julia Child: wait, America's Test Kitchen used to have an audience?!!! BRING BACK THE STUDIO AUDIENCE!!!
Christopher Kimball: i happened. so never again.

Knicks: we do it for Spike.
Woody Allen: not so much for me.
Spike Lee: cheer up, Woody, your time has passed. what are the Top 5 Bergman films?
Woody: The Magician, The Seventh Seal, Cries and Whispers, Persona, and Wild Strawberries.
Ingmar Bergman: and that upcoming Nosferatu reboot...

Nelly Korda: i would be in every Bergman film if Ingmar Bergman was still making films today.
Ingmar Bergman: you'd be my Bibi Andersson!!!

Scottie Scheffler: am i hard enough for you NOW?

bed bath: not a sex thing. a hospital thing. the big-box store is coming back, in the beyond, in 2030 with Uzumaki swirl pillows.

Billy Corgan: when you see my face, you see Bed Bath & Beyond.

John Candy: i look like your dad.

Paul at Safeway.
Paul: you CAN self-checkout your beer. but you gotta be quick about it. slick about it. that's how i had my first drink at 80 years old.

Boc: it's called free health.
Europe: ...

Ancient Egyptians: we had massive be able to build the Pyramids. also there was a secret Nile River which helped us move those massive stones to build the Pyramids.

dad: i was there at the first televised sporting event in the United States. Princeton/Columbia baseball.
Michael Weiss: so was i. and i still can't talk to women.
NBC: has Fox ever done the Olympics?

Eye Luggage: Twins (1988) and go.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: '80s movies just had that certain something, you know? there's such an INNOCENCE to '80s movies that's lost now, it just doesn't exist anymore.

Danny DeVito: the character i play here is one of the most unlikable people in film history. i get a little happier by the end but MAN is it tough sledding throughout, it's a LONG HAUL to redemption. i know this guy had a bad childhood but still.

Arnold: i made THE greatest gamble of my career with this movie. and won.
Danny: same.
Arnold: think about it, i hadn't done a comedy before and Hollywood thought it would flop HARD. how is Conan and The Terminator gonna be funny? so instead of a salary i opted to get 40% of the ticket sales.  
Danny: i made the same deal.
Arnold: this movie was a surprise hit, long story short: i made $90 million on this movie alone. this movie MADE my career, i never had to worry about going to bed hungry again, and for a man with muscles like mine, that's a concern. i was SET FOR LIFE after this, i never had to work again. 
Oprah Winfrey: 40 fucking percent, that's all it took. as i always tell everybody, ALWAYS BET ON YOURSELF!!! for a big-ass payday!!!

Michael Keaton: i am so jealous of you two guys...

Danny: this movie should have been called My Back Teeth Are Floating.
Arnold: and my character should have been called Orange Julius.

mad scientist: we're combining the semen from a half-dozen fathers. not a porn thing. we're trying to conceive the perfect human.
Arnold: and not a Nazi thing. i have to stress this or i, particularly me, couldn't be involved in this project, not a Nazi thing.

Danny: the sequel got canceled, but if we ever do a prequel, let's not do it about how i seduced a nun to break out of the orphanage, that's so unsavory.........i'm hoping i was at least 18...
The Pope: it's a hard knock life.
Sister Beatrix: can't we wear nun clothes for 2024? like an all-black velour tracksuit and a ponytail.

Arnold: what is this glorious island i was raised on called?
Professor Werner: Hawaii. you're the only one who lives here. we're filming an episode of Storybook International.

Laertus: oh i love how the grocery store chosen to represent the '80s shopping experience was Ralphs. other contenders: Fedco, Nob Hill, Thrifty Drugstore, Vons, Albertsons, and Lucky.
Ear Horn clearing her wrinkly throat: takes a while, dearie. um, ahem, Pic-N-Save?!!!

Danny: notice the car phone. in 1988, a phone in your car was a very rare special thing to have. it came in a leather case with a corduroy cord.

Arnold: never do business with a man named Beetroot.
Beetroot: i sell SuperBeets. they're healthy for you. comes in powder shakes and gummies.
Danny: what is this thing supposed to be anyway?
Greta Thunberg: the first eternal-energy car engine!!!

Dirg: THAT FACE THO!!! the face of surprised satisfaction, Arnold's after-sex face. i still haven't experienced that face.
Ingmar Bergman: The Face, you say?...
John Travolta: so Arnie, are we wife-swapping here?...

Greta Thunberg: what part do I play in your films?
Ingmar Bergman: the woman of science, the non-believer.
Greta: the non-believer who believes in human hope...

Jen R: art colony, all secrets are found at the art colony. nobody ever really dies, they just go to the art colony. their former selves die, their new artist selves emerge.
me: is Carrie Fisher at the art colony?
Princess Leia: i renounced the throne and became a photographer.

Arnold: *sniff* mom, can you answer me one thing? 
Danny: did you love me?
mom: of course i did, look how cute you are, you're like one of those little magical gnomes.
Danny: sigh, thanks mom.
Arnold: did Mr. Feeny like it better at school or at the hospital?
mom: Mr. Feeny hated kids. 

Arnold: what am i doing in the Sherman Oaks Galleria parking lot? at that Van Nuys corner with the Bail Bonds. 
David Caruso: i'm the guy who lifts that bendy gate-arm thing so your car can pass. this is a very uncool job, can i at least get a pair of sunglasses from you?...
Arnold: i must use twin telepathy to locate Vincent's whereabouts.
Chloe Webb: i find Danny DeVito hot, i can't be the only woman who lusts after him like this. my Vince's in trouble!!!
Arnold: Vince, evince, we eat the same bran cereals.........I GOT IT!!! he's driving a taxi. did he ever actually DRIVE one of those taxis on that show?...

Arnold: I'll Be Back. back on the chain gang. you want biceps like me? don't lift weights, lift chains.
Ingmar Bergman: speaking of invisible chains...

Danny's secretary: i invented electronica music at night after work at this toxic temp job...

Arnold: what exactly is a consulting firm?
Danny: it's a scam. the only real job is being a whore.
Arnold: this is how i learned English. good night, folks.

me by the library fire.
Jen R: the Big Sur Library, let's pop in here, they haven't opened for a while. after all, i AM still a librarian. oooh, this is a woodland retreat, lush setting for a book binge at the barn!!! happy weekend, my babies, tomorrow.........what are we eating?
me: Taco Bell. ether five or six tacos.
Jen: make it six so it won't suck. you can only eat Taco Bell tacos with Taco Bell Sauce, not with your homemade tomato salsa. you might as well get the bottle of Fire Sauce, Fedco is closing.........for the night...