NEW AGE TRAVELLERS: PRESSURE COOKER

 

dad and Alan Watts are traveling on the road around the world on a spiritual quest aboard The Liver Birds double-decker bus.

dad: thanks for picking me up, Princeton was getting boring, i'm smarter than those people.

Alan Watts: okay but you do all the driving, i don't have time to drive, i need to save my time to think.

dad: i'm scared to drive but i'll do it.

Alan: we were okay when we were at Stonehenge, everyone makes a pit stop at Stonehenge. now where do we go?

dad: i'm fucking hungry.

Alan: i got this pressure cooker here i stole from my last retreat. 

dad: your forehead is sweating.

Alan: i'm under a lot of pressure to prepare a nice meal for the both of us in this cooker constantly. i don't know what to put in it, i'm thinking ice cream.

dad: yeah i've seen one of those things, in my Princeton dorm room, my roommate was an atheist, until the pot was eventually filled with pot. and the point was lost. it's a multicooker, it cooks ANYTHING. try a souffle. who you calling?

Alan: i'm emitting a silent wolf howl from my bowels in hopes of contacting David Bowie...

Holt Hanley: wanna go out? i could take you on a surfing date. i get so excited when you talk about all the activities people can do around the Monterey Peninsula.

Ariana Araiza: there's only one activity i do: fucking. and the Salinas Rodeo. i mean i don't mind but i'm married, you know?

Holt: we have so much in common.

Ariana: it's really just the weather. but everyone has the weather in common...

Holt Hanley: what if i told you i was Deadpool...

Ariana Araiza: but your face doesn't look like a prune.

Holt: aren't scars sexy?

Ariana: prunes help you poo. i see it sometimes in Salinas.

Holt: what if i told you i was E.Z. Taylor in real life...

Ariana: NOW you're attractive to me.

President Bump: because of my presidency, kids vaped at an all-time high to deal with the stress. you're welcome, America, fuck yeah i ate word salad i mean egg salad with Elton John, yeah i did. nicotine pouch, like the surface of my skin.

Gorton Fisherman: the sea fog mixed with the smell of chocolate chip cookies from the bakery, that is heaven, that is the opposite of Davy Jones's locker which smells like wooden socks.

Julia Ioffe: where's the bakery on this tugboat?

Gorton Fisherman: lubbers don't live.

Julia Ioffe: you gotta find love NOT online...

Gorton Fisherman: i smell like fish.

Julia Ioffe: someone will love you. i like men in uniform.

Marcos de la Fe: i'm if Jimmy Kimmel got an autograph from Jean-Luc Picard and my hero was Hitomi from The Vision of Escaflowne.

Hitomi: these tarot cards are not form Scotland...

Joe Biden: Kamala, i want you to win.

Kamala Harris: thanks, Joe.

Joe Biden: moneyless tho, you know? i carry no cash.

me: i want the fairytale wedding. i want to say i married my best friend. my BFF is now my wife. Jen, you are my best friend.

Jen R: you want the CNN wedding...

Talia: i'm fancy because i'm small.

Trinity: i know, ONLY YOU get your back-nails cut...

Trinity: what does it feel like to have soft hind quarters?

Talia: i don't walk, i GLIDE.

Burger King Bacon King: you don't enjoy me because i don't have any pickles...

Alan Watts: good food takes time, right? culinary magic to feed our vision journey. 

dad: eat a lot of beets to see in the dark. i'm not wolfing for Aaron Rodgers. 

Alan: there are no plugs on this bus. and i'm not talking about the women. i'm trying to coalesce the energon particles floating all around us to power this damned circular contraption.  

dad: fast-food meat is ghastly, just stick with the bread products: the KFC biscuit, the McDonald's fries...

Alan: donuts for dinner, that is my dream.

dad: have an all-sweet diet: fruit and candy.

Alan: i like tea.

dad: yes but do you drink tea WITHOUT SUGAR? only that is hardcore...

Futurama: don't want to pay for Hulu? power through that headache, react to it on YouTube, your editor lives in Austria so she's not working on one hour sleep...

The Farmer's Dog referee commercial: i dare you not to cry.

me: and i'm a cat person.

Greykid: YOU SUCK, REF!!!

Jen R: i'm bi, i like dogs and cats...

me: John McEnroe wouldn't have been the winner he was without his brattiness.

Jen R: he had the same hair as Bob Ross. has anyone at a tennis tournament gotten out of the stands, jumped onto the tennis court, and run around?

me: i wish. not naked. smelly tho. it's not so much that they jump, they FALL onto the court.

Jen: gotcha, only the drunkies at a local tournament, save the streakers for Wimbledon when more grand eyes are watching.

Jen R: what's your Vaporwave name?

me: Purple Purpose.

Jen: no, Purple Porpoise. 

on the next episode of Empty Nest...

old doctor: i'm trying to teach my kids safety but i'm afraid the times have passed me by.

normal daughter: nicotine patch.

crazy daughter: no, nicotine POUCH.

Joe Isuzu: gramps, you're so old you need a TOBACCO pouch...

and now, Samuel Hahnemann for Folgers Crystals...

Samuel Hahnemann: so i was playing my favorite video game Kingdom Hearts as my favorite character Sora when i had a stroke. but really i was just having a fit over not being able to get past the ski level.

Super Mario: you needed the Sora Mushroom...

Mushishi: i'm the only one here taking this seriously...

Spock of Sea Shepherd aboard an unmarked boat: i mean we're the good pirates, you know? the whales only have us.

Batman: Caped Crusader penultimate episode Episode 9 "The Killer Inside Me".

Patricia Heaton: i play the waitress.

Ossie Davis: i play the alleyway victim.

Ethel Mertz: i play the moll. 

Montoya: parks a bullet in your knee, that's good writing.

Alfred: you call me Pennyworth? show some respect, young Master Bruce, i was the one who raised you.

Bruce Wayne: i'm sorry, Alfred, i'm not used to this whole weird Batman thing.

Harvey Dent: the ending of this episode is the ending of Scarface, get it?...

cymbals crashing: you're thinking of Billy Corgan right now...

Robert Crumb: i'm gonna live to 100...

Trent Reznor: is the second N in NIN really backwards?...

the Joker in the final episode of Batman: Caped Crusader "Savage Night": show me how you ratchet these handcuffs.........anyone OTHER THAN Harley...

me: in my dream it's an episode of Storybook International with a talking cat. it was going to be a great episode, a different episode, but then i woke up...

Greykid: you could actually see the cat's mouth move...

Jen R: in my dream my stone square-tile shower has a window.

me: in the bathroom?

Jen: no, in the shower.

me: for others to peep through?

Jen: to let the steam out...

Skylar at Safeway: hey, don't take the receipt the cashier gives you, crumple it up, and put it in your pocket, that's disrespectful to us cashiers...

L.A. Rams: i know it's Los Angeles but we're not frivolous about life. we understand the important things, the important stuff: wills and beds...

Wendy Richard: it's easy for us British actors, we all just enroll at RADA...

Rock Odyssey: Cool World + Dragon's Lair + Heavy Metal but it's PG...

Mardith on Instagram: everyone wants me show my tits, not my cookies...

Alan Watts: aw, fuck it, let's just go to Jack in the Box, pull out and pull in to the nearest Jack when the moment hits you. where's the next exit? when's the next offramp?...

dad: not till France.

the two shiny spirit schleppers finally make it to the Jack in the Box drive-thru. Deadpool is at the window.

Deadpool: clearance is 12 inches, you had no chance from the start. how big are your tits?

Alan Watts: my good man we are as they say in the vernacular fucking starving.

Deadpool: sorry, pops, all our tea has sugar. it's not the jumbo egg rolls which are a marvel, it's the mini chimis. making chimichangas miniature is a feat of science. 

 

 

LOVE HAUL: MOUNTAIN FAMILY

 

despite the serene surroundings, i am awoken by my own night terrors. i scramble to Cloris and Botic's room and clutch on Cloris's frilly holey nightgown open in the heavy night mountain air.

Cloris: what's troubling you, darling?

me: i can't sleep. i have a recurring nightmare: it's always the first day of school but the setting is different. but i'm always terrified, filled with dread, i don't wanna go, i'm scrambling to clank open the cupboards to find lunch: brown-bag peanut-butter sandwich and a leaky milk. 

Cloris: i'm not a psychoanalyst but i am a mother. you're not scared of school or learning, you're scared of getting on with you life.

me: which means going back to school.

Botic: son, now don't you worry about food. our cupboards are stocked like a motherfucker full of bread and peanut oil.

me: can i give you a mountain-bear hug?

Botic: sure. let me get my pajamas on first.

me: my whole life my bedroom smelled of old people.

Cloris: you were YEARNING to have the stability of your grandparents by your side to show you the way. they fought all those wars so all you'd have to do was watch TV. 

Jen R: it's those brown-sugar candies of the Greatest Generation which smell of security.

Cloris: nobody knows how to find their way. i was a lost soul of the Lost Generation but i found my footing when i accidentally discovered the fashion trend of wearing socks with your sandals. now go on in there to the other room and have some fun...

the best part of Yu Yu Hakusho: the haunting sound effects.

Lucy Ricardo and Ethel Mertz are eating watercress sandwiches with Caroline Appleby as Caroline is driving down the highway in the Beverly Hillbillies car.

Caroline Appleby: see? watercress is the healthiest veggie of them all, my whole life has been redeemed.

Lucy Ricardo: so we're supposed to ex-voto your ass? give you a milagro votive and pretend you're not a cheap skank, our bridge partner, and our friend?

Ethel Mertz: Caroline is annoying but she's such a great person. i like eating borrowed cups of sugar.

Lucy: i only eat Taco Bell, you Florida bitch. they do Taco Bell right in Cuba.

Caroline: i'm chippy and cheery to hide the fact that i've been in a loveless marriage with my butler for 30 years. all i've got are these watercress sandwiches. with NO apple slices in the middle.

The Twilight Zone "The Fall".

astronaut: this is 2001: A Space Odyssey if there had been more people.

Anthony Bourdain: why couldn't my search have led to another planet?...

astronaut: what's my mission again? i don't know, all i know is Barrett has one of those fucking SOOTHING voices.

Barrett: everyone in the village wants to fuck me. i'm like the Amish Smurfette.

Molly Qerim: my Cat Paw is deadlier than when your cat paws at your computer wire...

Super Mario: you know what i want for Christmas? one of those long flat silver steel things on a pole that pushes all the recyclables in your bin down.

Luigi: tool for a tool.

Tricky: pusher for a pusha.

Gladyce at The Treehouse: can we PLEASE get dishwasher gel pacs that don't fold up like a MAD Magazine Fold-In at the back cover of the magazine?

Suzy Lu: i changed my profile pic on my YouTube channel, i'm not sexy anymore, i'm married.

Molly Qerim in L.A.: when i flick your ear that's my dekopin.

Stephen A. Smith: i watch anime.

Trinity: it's not that we don't like water, but we built a cool Catmobile that goes underwater.

Talia: a submarine. it's a submarine for cats. a cat submarine. a catmarine.

Trinity: all for the love of Friskies.

Boc: it's not true that i only walk, i run, too, i run across the highway for my life. when i get home i stretch in front of my neighbor's house, under the guise of stretching i show him my butt in the morning.

Jules Smith: you need to read this book.

me: Max Porter Shy. i'm too shy to read it.

Jules: i can't emphasize enough how much i want you to read it.

me: okay okay it'll be on my doorstep tonight. DoorDash raids libraries, right?

Michael Weiss: i don't get it, look at my face, i INVENTED avocado toast!!!

Julia Ioffe: i will only eat avocado toast aboard a Boeing.

Michael Weiss: from my undercover reporting.........it's hopeless.

Julia Ioffe: look again, there's one Boeing that has a Denny's inside it. 

me: i'm excited.

Jules Smith: to read it?

me: that you're talking to me again.

Jules: you like his style?

me: i do. it's like mine: prose as poetry, jumbled up, jangled. trying to find the connection between two disparate thoughts. word shards.

Jules: the words on the page is itself an oil painting...

Bjoern: omg i need that Dodgers sombrero!!!

John Travolta: disco dust.

Pepper X: i'm so hot i've killed people.

Brad Pitt: like Angelina Jolie.

Pepper X: we're in KFC chicken, right? that's one of the secret spices. one of the Eleven. hot herbs. but herbs are supposed to be mellow...

Scooby-Doo: Scoville is my son. 

Shaggy: i'm the uncle but i forget to babysit...

W.H. Auden: if you're a poet, you're single...

Martin Yan: why when i pour sesame-seed oil around my wok the oil spot always ends up the shape of a cock?

Leslie Sbrocco: because you're looking at me.

Leslie Sbrocco: dear Martin, i want to have your babies.

Martin Yan: wait, woman, hold your horses, i saved up enough New Year's cash to go on that Claudine Pepin cruise.

Leslie Sbrocco: can i use those red boxes for my shoes?...

Edgemont: you want to get into Edgemont, you want to qualify to get into Edgemont that mysterious enticing Canadian high school.........but it's just not Degrassi...

Jen and i are fucking in the next room.

Jen R: are cabin walls thin?

me: they're logs. it's been so long since i've done this, how many times do i spank your butt?

Jen: no more than 9 but not less than 3...

me: Alan Watts's silk sheets are giving me a terrible CRAMP!!! the pain is UNBEARABLE!!! Alan's silk sheets have TRAPPED my shins!!!

Jen: do you want me to stop riding you?

me: no, it's the perfect balancing-out of pain and pleasure. 

Jen: after this i'm gonna design a time machine with a shag-carpet interior.

me: imagine an entire Doctor Who season set entirely in the 1970s...

this is your default Denny's: get the four cute tiny toasted BLT sandwiches with the toothpick spearing each sammie, bread cut diagonally. 

Coolio: the green foil and the red foil of the party 'picks, motherfucker. it's other-level.

Encino IHOP in the '80s: spaghetti & meatballs in that blue stoneware tugboat saucer...

me: i'm stuck in the '80s because i'm stuck on the '80s.

Rachael Ray: paella. okay? just focus on the paella.

Lorne Michaels: watch Uzumaki instead, i get it, i understand, it's an election year but who cares about SNL?...

Robert Crumb: what are we collabing on?

John Waters: let's do the live-action Mr. Natural. i'm playing Mr. Natural naturally, i took like him.

Robert Crumb: we look exactly the same.

John Waters: i seriously doubt you can grow a Gandalf beard like that. i have that yellow robe in my closet.

Robert Crumb: who the fuck owns a yellow robe? i always wanted Santa Claus to have a long white flowing beard...

Suzy Lu: McVitie's.........i know, McTitties.

Muchova: much love.

PBS: all our new shows are only in the summer...

Lupin III: Prison of the Past.

Zenigata: in college when everyone else was being popular with Ultimate Frisbee, i was learning how to toss the mini frisbee around. 

Jen R: the art of flicking Werther's Originals to hit elevator buttons.

Goemon: isn't this that same Leonardo da Vinci flying machine?...

Lupin: it's 2019, safe spaces are very important to show in anime and the real world.

Jigen: my gun is Lupin's gun from Lupin Zero...

Fujiko: there's another woman here who is me with my voice but no chest...

Michelangelo: and the king in this Lupin movie is literally my God...

God: the cruelty of this world never ceases to amaze me...

Baloo: this is Disneyland Autopia with the Sea Duck on the surface of the ocean.

Fujiko: the Rules of Anime have been preserved, a female is only strong when she's going up against a man fighting him one-on-one...

Jesus: you're just gonna throw away my Morning Prayer like that?...

Codrus: where do you get in line to get those vigil lights?...

Christmas Eve at church: a really cool candlelight vigil...

Trinity: where are the mice? i can't see any mice!!!

me: i am so sorry, Trinity, this is the undue burden placed on you for being my cat, me the Doritos-eater.

Trinity: i'm going to San Marino to play soccer.

Alan Watts: i gotta get outta here.

Botic: breathe, Mr. Wattage, you're safe here. 

Alan: sorry, i know that my itchy nerves are tainting these woods. there's too much love here, you know? i gotta find my own love, my own way, i gotta get back to the world, gotta get back to restlessness. i must explore the world, sleep in the unguarded palaces, the hidden holes, the swamp lakes, the alleyways with the cats. you two have set a fine example and for that i am forever grateful. thank you and i took all the tobacco. dad, can i borrow the car?

Botic: sure, son, let me gas up the ol' bird with my love.

Alan gets behind the wheel of the Liver Birds double-decker bus on the limestone roof.

Alan: i haven't driven in a decade.

Cloris hugs Botic with one arm and waves to Alan with her other arm. the two proud parents stand together at the front log door of their cabin seeing Alan off. 

Cloris: drive safe, starshine.

Alan: how do you start this thing? how do you move this thing?

Cloris: how will you know when your search is at an end?

Alan Watts: my dear woman by the winds of the world rustling my ballsac.

 

LOVE HAUL: THE MONK WHO MARRIED

 

we continue down the low highway up the straight mountain paths in The Liver Birds double-decker bus to the mountain cabin where Cloris and Botic raised their beautiful family.

Jen R: this is starting to look like that music video for The Beat "Mirror in the Bathroom."

Jean-Michel Basquiat: i was in that band.........at least for that one video...

lead singer of The Beat: i'm the only musician who plays that weird pear-shaped guitar...

we get to the cabin swallowed by a cave nook in a mountain lake. the high air here is Jungian-brown leaves and pumpkins which have turned into grapes.

Billy Corgan: i never experienced pumpkins as a child, my parents never had Halloween pumpkins, my family only had neighbors who had putrid pumpkins. we stole a lot. 

me: you have a lovely home. it's so warm here with the cool breeze. homey. comfy.

Cloris: pretend you lived here for the last 30 years, it's an exciting thing to do up here where no one can judge you.

me: i don't dream anymore.

Jen: you'll dream again...

i enter their woodsy shower inside for a long-awaited wash.

Jen: what's it been, three years?

me: since i had sex?

Jen: water touching your skin.

me: you know for us guys, it's always very enticing taking a shower, washing the body from head to toe in anticipation of having sex.

Jen: but for you just showering is an accomplishment.

me: it's true. it's nice to feel clean...

Alan Watts: while i'm here i might as well sample this odd old couple's stash. orange coffee? yes please. i've switched to Splenda Stevia, the shifting of the sifting of the sugar. i might as well go wild while i'm free here, i won't be free anywhere else. i suppose i have to disassemble and reassemble the parts of a motorcycle or something? i need to go Full Zen...

Botic: i can help you with your emails up here, Mr. Wattage.

me: i live in the present only when i'm with you.

Jen, blushing: that's actually genuinely sweet. thank you. speaking of, want some raisin bran?

me: Raisin Bran with the sugar raisins?

Alan Watts: Splenda raisins for me.

Jen: now i'm thinking of my exes...

me: what's the secret of your lifelong love?

Cloris: my husband Botic and i have never ONCE hugged each other ass-out.

me: there's so much to learn from you. and only a week to do it.

Cloris: nonsense. come to the cabin anytime.

me: yeah you're right, it's not like i have a job or schedule or plans or anything. i have no life, i need one. how do you live?

Cloris: weeeeell, first of all.........take a step back. not off the mountain. combine your two favorite things. i did, i live as a monk but i had a family.

Frances Tiafoe: want to lie down on this massage table?

Emma Raducanu: come on, dude, that's a lame line.

Frances Tiafoe: no, i'm showing you my inspiring rags-to-riches story...

grandpa: remember the good ol' days in the '80s when you didn't have to eat vanilla ice cream plain? i could splooge Hershey's Chocolate Syrup all over it.

Suzy Lu: i'm not religious.

Steejo: then why did i shave my head and wear this robe, woman?

Suzy Lu: i mean i watch anime for a living, you know? you can't really be religious and watch anime...

Gladyce at The Treehouse: if there's no room for a cup or glass or stoneware mug in the top shelf of the dishwasher, put it in the bottom shelf of the dishwasher...

Dr. Robbins: get help.

me: that's why i'm here.

Dr. Robbins: no, we're locked in this room, i lost my key, call a locksmith...

Dr. Robbins: my psychiatrist office is all cute and tiny and hidden in the forest...

Conan Edogawa: you called for a locksmith?...

Nick Kyrgios: why do i get to interview you?

Mike Tyson: because you got a weird voice, little man.

Nick Kyrgios: what is your accent, Mike Tyson?

Bjork: Mike Tyson has a soft voice like me...

me: i'm here to collect my disability.

DMV minder: are you disabled?

me: i'm a normal person made disabled by grief.

David Bowie: if you're going through grief, let's dance, experience the extraordinary medicine of dancing to a song, something meant to be sung...

me at a corner pizza joint: i need to use your bathroom. i PROMISE to buy something LATER...

Mean Ms. Frizzle: ...

me: okay i'm  ready.........i mean but why are your boneless chicken wings $50 tho?...

Violetta Laze on Instagram: tons and tons and tons and tons of bikini pics but really i just want to fucking finally find a man and get back to my acting, you know?...

Limahl: the NeverEnding Story theme song music video, we had no budget, no drumsticks, so the guy had to pound on the electric drums with his fist.

drummer: i invented Vaporwave...

Miley Cyrus: look, man, i'll show you around, Tennessee isn't all like that. stop bringing your bag of pills to a nice restaurant. 

me: i just wanted to be your friend. because you looked hot on your Instagram. enzymes aren't pills. please don't send me lowtox information in my Instagram DMs...

Yves Saint Laurent: or Andy Warhol's doppelganger...

Maduro: i know pirates.........i watched every episode of The Pirates of Dark Water as a kid in Venezuela...

Ellen DeGeneres: i could have saved more lives if i was given a gazebo for my wedding...

Howie Long: tiny house movement? when i was growing up i was told to eat Jughead sandwiches: 8 sandwiches piled high in a totem pole. and 8 glasses of milk a day...

NASA: the strange noises coming from the Starliner are the next season of Stranger Things...

Theoren Fleury: Ghostbusters?...

John Belushi: my song? The Beat "Mirror in the Bathroom..."

The Beat: it's not about a knee mirror...

Taylor Fritz: the day after i win the U.S. Open i'm immediately retiring and becoming an actor...

San Francisco: where the bridge looks like a roller coaster...

Ireland: home of the skinny castle...

hayrides at the pumpkin patch: it's not Fall. it's not Autumn. call it Harvest from now or no apple cider. no regular yellow popcorn, just that caramel corn that destroys your teeth.

Chrissie Evert: the camera only pans up to the tennis player's box when the tennis player is in trouble...

General Hospital: the only time you've ever liked Upstate New York...

Mercenary Tao from Dragon Ball: my voice is Mr. Feeny...

Storybook International: it's not a true map unless it has a mermaid in the ocean...

St. Cyril's: church in the 1980s was different, there were no video monitors on the altar...

Cliff Drysdale: how did i win so much on the tour? i never hit a tennis shot, i KNIFED all my tennis shots...

Cliff Drysdale: don't call me Cliffy, i'm not cutesy like that, yeah? it's all fun and cute games until he falls off a cliff... 

Cliff Drysdale: tennis had so much more grandeur back in those days when i played, sports played in cream vests and cigarettes: tennis when the Davis Cup still mattered, downhill skiing in Malta, rowing at Cambridge, you know, the Archer sports...

Seth MacFarlane: i needed to take a second job after Family Guy is 4 episodes a season now. so i'm Grigor Dimitrov's coach...

The Twilight Zone "The Cold Equations": the girl could have been saved if the spaceship was electric, no fuel required...

Fermat's Last Theorem: your whole life you thought it was FerMOTT.

Dirg: when there's a new girl on Instagram i like each of her pics except the ones with her husband.

Laertus: that's lame.

Julia Ioffe: the problem is you can't tell anymore whether someone on Instagram is a genuine warm caring person with a cause or a troll...

Mardith: single men setting up their Instagram do not fare well...

calendar: do you leave the square with today's day BLANK during that day or with a X in the box before the day starts?...

Molly Qerim is fucking Mad Dog Russo in the woods.

Molly Qerim: the ironic thing is you don't like doing it doggystyle.

Mad Dog Russo: ohhh heavens to betsy, i'm getting a headache thinking about how i'm gonna tell my wife.

Molly Qerim: the more pressing matter is how we're gonna tell Stephen A. Smith...

Botic: you like where we parked the Bird Bus?

Jen: it blends right into the environment.

Botic: we park the double-decker bus on the roof. limestone roof...

Cloris: the Bird Bus doesn't run on fuel, electric, or a hybrid of those two. it runs on love. our love. the love the two of us have for one another. we took the hippie concept of love and made it science.

 

LOVE HAUL: THE LIST OF ANOTHER LIFE

 

it's 10AM so i'm off to Safeway. they say it's good to walk twice in one day. when i see the Oroweat truck i feel at ease. the coin-to-cash is out-of-order as usual, they tape the BROKEN sign to it a week later. but there's something different this time: a beautiful couple, an old woman and an old man, are putting their groceries down on the conveyor belt. they've gotten A LOT of groceries, like a MASSIVE AMOUNT of groceries.

me: i can tell you two have been married for like 50 years. 

Cloris: you are so PATIENT. i've never met a patient person like you.

me: i'm training to be a monk. i like to drift. think. waste time. waste my life away.

Cloris: it's gonna take like 30 minutes to unpack all our carts. are you sure you don't want to go in front?

me: and miss this meditation time?

me, meditating to myself: as Abbot Butt taught me, you'll never go ahead in life if you go ahead in line...

Skylar is the cashier. she pulls a wrinkled bill from the cleavage of her ample bosom encased in a pilly tan sweater that clashes with her pale white skin.

Skylar: my sweater is begging for autumn. i'm on autopilot most days. i look down at 10AM and see a 20 in my chest, i pull it out, i've had a lot of experience with that, and i use the cash to buy my cigs. i'm 20 but i'm like a 50-year-old boozehound with a hoarse voice.

Botic, Cloris's husband, plops the last item on the belt.

Botic: so what's that gonna be? $50?

Skylar peruses the list, checking it twice: donut, eclair, Rangoon roll, Astro Pops...

Alan Watts: i could use that cocktail.

Skylar: Raisin Bran with the sugar raisins, mangos for SNL, tiny trash bags, three spaghetti sauces, red sauce, white sauce, yellow sauce, Italian meatballs, homemade meatballs...

Lucio Rossi: never go Italian, always homemade.

Skylar: potato chips, kale chips, red salt, blue salt, orange salt, a case of beer, wine, and water, one banana, green bananas, yellow tomatoes, unripened red tomatoes that are yellow, vacuum bags, a rake, pizza rolls, hot dog rolls, hamburger rolls, pea salad, lemon bacon, a mop, edible handcuffs, onion soup that's British not French, TV dinners even though we only have a radio, batteries for our plugs, cottage cheese like my thighs, a beanstalk like my husband, and tea.

Alan Watts: go with the pepper tea. don't put sugar in the pepper tea, it dilutes the tea's pepperiness. get both boxes of tea, the English Teatime and the matcha tea with turmeric. i like my tea how i like my 1980s Twilight Zone: 5 minutes of the episode a day. English Teatime is such a rich full-bodied tea, it looks like black coffee made mocha by milk.

Jen R: this list is FULL of sugar. you two are gonna get diabetes. which is worrisome at your advanced age. but it's a weird thing because people who get diabetes end up being healthier because they HAVE to eat healthy and exercise...

Alan Watts: 5-minute daily bursts of insulin each day. but it's probably better to get day-long doses of stem cells.

Cloris: as you can see, we're stocking up for the winter. we can't hide it. we have a cabin up in the mountains.

me: i'm imagining it now, you raised 3 beautiful kids up in that mountain house your whole lives. 100 years of bliss. i only wish i had been your son. i only wish i had lived your life. you've restored my faith in complete strangers. your history is etched on your voice. oh Cloris, you have the nicest, sweetest, calmest voice, a florid voice, a voice of kindness.

i hug Cloris deeply with both shoulders and kiss her on both cheeks.

me: what was i doing here again?

Cloris in a love buzz: to buy something?

me: no, it was for THIS.

the Smashing Pumpkins are in a camper van whizzing by down the highway up the mountains. Billy is driving on one hour sleep.

Billy Corgan: i'm blind as a bat. i need my glasses.

Jimmy Chamberlin: when i thought of a band van...

Billy: how old were you when you stopped wearing a T-shirt with your name on it?

Alan Watts: everyone except Billy will say Age 9. it is the burden on the rest of us to teach.

D'arcy: you still wear your BILLY shirt all the time.

Jimmy: at least wear the ZERO shirt, that shirt is cool.

James Iha: yeah, except people think it's for the band Zero...

Shirley Valentine: why are you kissing my stretch marks?

Costas: your stretch marks are like the lines on your face, every line indicates you've had a hard life, and you survived, you survived it, you're a survivor. you are a beautiful old woman.

Shirley: fine but you don't have to KISS the stretch marks, that's weird.

Costas: Princess Diana would come with Costas all the time on holiday on my boat here in Greece to these dark-blue waters.........oops, Costas say too much...

Princess Diana: holiday was the only time i could be fee. i wish my whole life was holiday. not the drudgery of being in that Royal cage.

Costas: Costas, coast, get it?

microwave: when you heat your cocoa for a minute, the handle of the mug is in front, 30 seconds and the handle is in the back...

Shirley Valentine: so Tom, do you ever just stop and gaze at the Mykonos sunset from a water cafe at, like, 6PM or so?

Tom Cruise: weather doesn't exist for me, i'm always running.

Costas: Tom?...

Tom Petty at the U.S. Open: into the great wide Open...

Dirg; if a girl's no longer talking to you on Instagram, it means she's found a man...

Catholic parade in El Salvador: to be religious in El Salvador requires risk. you have to be a circus performer, you have to have the guts to stand 100 feet high up in the sky on a Virgin-Mary totem pole...

Al Pacino: hey hey, you got any pelican porn?

Al Pacino: the pelican beak is a wonder to behold. it's the Ninth Wonder of the World.

George Harrison: the first words i saw were Gently Weeps.........that was quite fortuitous...

Super Mario: sorry i stomped on your bag of DoorDash when i went to your front door asking for my gardener payment.

Abbot Butt at Confession: i don't believe in God, but i want to be a sex god, you know?

Father Navin: not really.........Catholic priests get free danishes.

SNL: like your DoorDash, it's more satisfying when it's just once a week...

Coco Gauff: i'm the continuation of Roger Federer...

The Terminator: silicon pump? that was my mom's breast pump. 

The Terminator's mom: the breast pump is both for milk and sexual gratification...

Roger Federer: my tennis shirt? i ride ponies with it.

man with stovepipe hat: i live in Northwest Angle. i'm a mathematician who likes Prince. sure i can only get my groceries in Canada but that's fun, i get to see the dailies of the Da Vinci's Inquest reboot on my way home from work...

tyromancy: when the fortuneteller takes all your cheese...

lotus pods: the landscape of every alien planet in sci-fi.

Alan Watts: i drank lotus tea with Buddha Master Kermit the Frog.

Kermit the Frog: i really thought you were Jim Henson.

2001: A Space Odyssey: if only the astronaut had velcro to scratch his nose on so he didn't have to take off his helmet in space...

Kubrick: sorry, i used all the velcro for my shoes.

me: we're the first house on the block with a lawn so all the highway problems get solved in front of my house, all the cars, trucks, buses, and big rigs are parked right on my curb...

me: i'd do anything for a bag of Hershey's Kisses in front of me.

Jen R: that's easier than getting a real kiss.

The Twilight Zone "Stranger in Possum Meadows".

mom: Scout is an unusual name for a grown man.

Scout: yeah well you have a picture of Jesus on your trailer-park trailer wall. 

mom: that's Judy Garland. i'm falling for you, stranger, after only five minutes.

Scout: Danny is a fine boy. you must be proud of him.

mom: i guess.

Rod Serling: here is where this Twilight Zone turned into an Unsolved Mysteries kidnapping episode.

Scout: remember Otter Pops in the '80s?...

Steven Spielberg: this is E.T. if i tripped acid during the writing of the script.

Greykid the cat: your mousepad is for me to sit on and form a cat loaf. mouse pad, makes sense to me.

Super Mario: large black garden trash bags are too unwieldy. they're like those tall-ass spiky cactus-head gangly moving totem poles i fight in the desert. run the dishwasher in the MORNING, people are trying to sleep. i'm not rich, i just got a good deal on a house.

Keanu Reeves at Berkeley: my wife is the beautiful tall svelte statuesque lady with the sexy white hair who invented CRISPR.

Belgian Formula 1 driver: i wanted the checkered flag, not the chicken flag...

Abbot Butt: why do you believe in God? because you don't know the future...

me: you look like the son i would have had.

A Hatful of Reactions: how so? surely not the pink hair. 

me: your whole vibe is my whole vibe, the sarcastic storytelling. you have my dad's face.

A Hatful of Reactions: this is getting weird. like "Stranger in Possum Meadows." let me guess, only you can be the REAL Cure fan.

me: what's in that white-box tractor trailer in the Carmel Hotel parking lot?

A Hatful of Reactions: either a horse or King Kong.

Fuerza holding a Shakespearean feather quill ink pen: if it's not in the script of your life written by God, write it yourself.

Jean-Luc Picard: the back of my left ear is so bad it looks Cardassian.

Cardassian: our skin is unmoisturized, scaly, and dry as a motherfucking husk. that's health to us. our ancestors were spotted leopards.

that lion guy from the 1980s Beauty and the Beast live-action TV show with Linda Hamilton: what did i do after the show? The Vision of Escaflowne...

Hitomi from The Vision of Escaflowne: why does a lady have to choose? i fucked Allen AND Van. why can't a woman have FULL LOVE? why must love be limited?

Hitomi in the final episode of The Vision of Escaflowne: i was inspired by Sherry Stringfield saying goodbye to Dr. Mark Greene on the train on ER...

Pinnacle Man: i'm not Pinnacle Point Man...

Iruka from Naruto: i end up with the ramen-shop girl, right?...

Naruto Shippuden: did you watch all 500 episodes? are you starting to feel that maybe you've wasted your life away?...

The Twilight Zone "The Cold Equations": a 1980s episode of The Outer Limits...

Fermat's Last Theorem: this episode is OLD, i was solved AGES ago...

Transformers One: i mean the original 1980s Transformers cartoon was an unintentional comedy...

John Belushi: i was unfeeling? no, i felt too much. too deeply. except that one time when that NYC taxicab ran me over in the snow, i didn't feel that at all.

Stand by Me: i spotted a spotted deer...

me: i want you to be my mommy.

Beth Gibbons: thank you.

Jen R: which new album will come out first, Portishead or Daft Punk?...

i run into the couple again in the Safeway parking lot as i walk and they get ready to drive.

Cloris: you have yourself a good rest of your morning. i made a deal with my husband Botic, he lugs the groceries to the car and i'll do the driving.

me: i imagine it now, you two getting into your car and driving down that highway over there up to the mountains. on a clean clear road, no traffic, no cars, because it's 10AM. back to your secret shelter where you raised your family in silence. away from the madding crowd. you don't have to do the grocery shopping for six months. you don't need to enter a grocery store for six months. oh what a glorious life.

Cloris: do you want to join our family?

 

me: what do you think, Jen?

Jen R: this will be your only opportunity for the rest of your life to do something meaningful. this is your last chance to escape your life.

we all get in the car.

Jen: WHOA!!! this car is the double-decker bus from The Liver Birds!!!

Botic: got it on reddit. 

with our endless food and eternal drink on hand, and the noon sun fast approaching with its toxic heat, in the butt of the Bird Bus, we leisurely set upon the highway, drive down it up it, to a house unknown, to a hidden location ethereal, the magic mountain, the cool wind, the forest away, away from EVERYTHING, noiseless, on a stretch of highway i've never been driven along before...