Friday, July 29, 2022

WAR BEANS

 



notes:

* BEAUTIFUL BRITISH BEANS!!! GAZE at the BEAUTY of these GLAZED beans. look at that TEAL can!!! that turquoise, that aqua blue. that's the 5-pounder can, enough for one British breakfast on the iron mills. LOVINGLY bathed in tomato sauce, that's the key, lovingly. lovingly like a health spa in the Swiss Alps. 1869. man, 1869, that was back when your grandfather looked like Rock Hudson, was built not like a rock but like Mickey Hargitay, and wore a brown lapban around his buttocks for swim trunks as he dove off a pier in the Dover Cliffs to prepare for the war. this can evokes memories of yore, of times LONG ago, of black-and-white-and-beige film reels in mining towns. British-style beans are made with Worcestershire sauce, that's the secret ingredient cos nobody can pronounce nor spell Worcestershire...

* Astepro
manager: can you make it?
man: no but Astro the dog can play it for me.
manager: i don't get that reference, i'm a millennial manager.
man: the Jetsons time is happening NOW, son. my instrument is the only known one in existence, it's a horn with 27 stems.
manager: what's it called?
man: Astepro.
man: here, 20 bucks in your violin case.
woman: thanks but it's a viola case. musician solidarity, only you know how hard i work, my mother thinks i'm a street prostitute.
man: man what happened to the Hollywood Bowl? it's smaller than i remember...
manager: where were you?
man: my cat can play the horn next time, he's a jazz cat.

* Golden Corral
girl: dad, who's your favorite?
dad: i'm gonna go with Josh, his runny nose is so charming.
girl: DAD!!! THAT IS SO RUDE!!! i can wring your fucking neck. you're a very skinny man, dad!!!
dad: what's gotten into you?
girl: sorry, the Buffalo Chicken Wings here are WAY TOO spicy.
mom: um, can I say anything concerning this family? ICEE desserts, that's an oxymoron. ICEE desserts are impossible, they melt away before they exist...

* Applebee's Double Crunch Shrimp
Shirley Manson from Garbage: obviously the man who made this commercial is a surfer...

Thirteen Lives
Ron Howard: it's not the sequel to Thirteen, i just want to make that clear. it's me, Opie, i wouldn't do that.
Russell Crowe: hi. well mate, i'm a little thinner, my beard is a little thinner, and i will only do comedy movies from now on.
Elon Musk: only I can fix this film!!! only I can play MYSELF in this film!!! i'll say the "pedophile" line, i don't care, i ain't scared of Hollywood!!!...

* Duracell Labs
pro gamer: i can't believe i let a pair of rookies BEAT me!!! on my livestream!!! everyone saw that!!! it's game over for me thanks to this extended battery life. i'm not allowed to have dyed-red hair anymore.
father in the woods: daughter, let me borrow that headlamp.
daughter in the forest: nice try, dad, Ron Howard is a VERY difficult director to work with.
father: train the light over THERE, daughter!!! see that frog glistening on that log? i'm gonna lick the frog's bumps and you film me...

* Brad Pitt: i was Betty White's last date. we both wanted that last date. we both wanted this. we both wanted this arrangement. i'm taking over Betty White's house in Carmel...

* Catriona Bisset: i am Bjork in a warm weather clime...

* Sun Microsystems: we're coming for you, Mark Zuckerberg...

* Stone Cold Creamery: we got GIANT spoons...
Takahashi: i want that Stone Cold Creamery giant grey cold slab of stone in my bed.

* Chandy: sweet like candy. girls can be named Chandler, too...

* bald eagle in his nest: based and broke, how does it feel?
phoenix on the forest floor: wonderful.

* I Set My Friends on Fire: i mean i ain't gonna hate, that's a cool band name.  
The Mars Volta: you guys are like Mars Volta Jr.

* Codrus: if there's one victim, you learn their name. if there are 50 victims, they remain nameless...

* Mardith: i'm gonna name my band either Darts N' Daisies or Vaginoosi...

* Mark Zuckerberg: analware...

* Violetta Laze: who are you? *shakes hands*
Tobe Magnetic: Tobe Magnetic, nice to meet you.........*shakes hands*.........to be magnetic...

* ZipRider: scariest zipline in the world.........run by Staples guys.
Janine Turner: ...

* Kendra Wilkinson: who wishes a city happy birthday?
Munsters house: ...
Kendra: i mean i know if you're a realtor or something.

* Mardith: sound bath, it's easy, a sound bath is simply a silent disco except you wear your electric headphones in a tub full of water...

* Nuzzle pillow: the good pillow. in space astronauts only get hot in their middle section. humans were never meant to look at a tiny screen on a pillow that is bending their neck...

* Fuerza: the most exciting part of my day is opening the mail...


happy weekend, my babies. my first time having a cheesesteak.........i only trust Togo's in this situation, i only trust Togo's for my first time, Togo's has soft hands... 





Wednesday, July 27, 2022

ON TOP OF EVERYTHING: THE MONIED WHO MATTER (NINJETTI AND MEATBALLS)



 














Berwin Berwick flips his Shaggy hair back and attaches it to his left nostril. he's calling from a burner walkie-talkie at Glacier Bay.
MBC: where you at, brother?
Berwin: practicing for the Himalayas. 
MBC: why?
Berwin: aren't you even the least bit concerned i could flatten? you know we can't all be you, you're the one who got all the old money, my family was your fam. do you know how much it costs to cash a startup?  
MBC: you need angel investors. or devil investors. or you need to BE the investor. 
Berwin: you get all the ink, in paper and on your chest, but i ain't salty like your precious ocean. i'm making a name for myself separate and apart from you. i still love you tho, sis. i'm working on this Himalayan pink-salt lantern that'll aid in the expedition. carved it myself with a toothpick.
MBC: like your toothpick legs. i hope you don't get cold. hope your legs don't catch cold. love you, bro. and i say that without ever having stepped foot in a frat.
Berwin: tryna get a patent over here...

Berwin: remember our vacations?.........sis? you there? you still on the line?.........oh well. i'll talk to myself then. i remember our family vacations, my favorite spot was the Submarine Voyage at Disneyland. the Beatles soiled yellow submarines for me, i soiled my pants every time i saw the Beatles cos i was so nervous around them on tv, but this ride made me a man again. i went back there to relive my youth. i was listening to the new Stabbing Westward album on my walkman while in line. Stabbing Westward haven't done an album in 20 years. i simpatico with the lead singer cos he looks like me, but he looks COMPLETELY different now that he's cut his hair short. no more black leather pants if you want to ride the sub. from now on in my mind i will forever associate the image of Submarine Voyage sans water with those weird blue kelps, the crazy coral, those sponges that should be spongy but are rock-hard, and this new Stabbing Westward album. they sound EXACTLY the same from their "Shame" days.........except the last song WORKS which is not the case for that last Veruca Salt song on THEIR new album, the girls were STRIVING i could feel it they were trying for something big but it just doesn't reach there what they wanted to do, the song doesn't QUITE end like a last Beatles song to close a Beatles album, you know?...

MBC: hello? you still there?
Berwin: hi.
MBC: i'm having a baby.
Berwin: i know. did you get that thing i sent you? the letter? it contained a photograph of me rubbing your belly without you knowing, you were locked in looking up distracted by your party guests above and didn't see me touching your stomach. taken at Glacier Bay. well a waterslide that was constructed to look like it was made of penguin ice. i knew before you!!!
MBC: that was Alarm Bill in that photo rubbing me. Alarm Bill wrote a song about my baby. the lyrics are all about "SuperBaby" and such, a ray of light emanating from Madonna's butt. 
Berwin: WHAT?!!! THE FUCK!!! I am the one who's supposed to be in a band!!! i wrote that song, Bill's plagiarizing. yeah those are my lyrics and whatnot except mine are in Swahili, i was going to send the cassette tape to you but i was traveling at the time. the reason it never got to you is that song took me 20 years to complete. you have no idea how much of a bitch it is to gather everyone back, even Eric Clapton, sign contracts again, and wait for covid to end. 
MBC: wanna talk to my newborn baby?
Berwin: hello, baby. choochie choochie coo, don't run off with a hoochie like your uncle.
Baby Lightray: clean yourself up, dude.

John McEnroe: how are you enjoying our second date at Raging Waters? or third date if you count the time i spied on you from the giant water bucket.
Emma Raducanu: YOU followed ME to this waterpark. you're dripping, old man. you who wears socks on the OUTSIDE of your shoes...
John: i'm wearing your bikini. in solidarity. look, despite what the media has pressed on you, i actually do have your best interests at heart. you're good for the game. our sport is sinking like wet French soil. tennis is dying. you're talented. you're young. you're beautiful.........but mostly you're BEAUTIFUL. let me be your coach again.........NOT sex coach!!! tennis coach.
Emma: here, some yellow cotton candy for you. the color of your cowardice and the color of the two tennis balls above your wank.
John: can you at least do me a favor, doll? pretend we're having sex on court at the U.S. Open during your opening match so everyone and Bud Collins will be distracted, all the cameras will point to us and beam it to Murdoch Tower and that'll be the diversion needed for my boy Novak Djokovic to slip in through the side-gate and they'll have to let him play then, it's a Customs illegal immigration situation then, he's on the land, he's on the soil, they can't kick him out.
Emma: i'll do it if Novak Djokovic drops trou, takes off his tennis trunks, swings his shorts, and i get to inject the covid vaccine directly into his butt personally with the longest sharpest needle i can find. my dad's got a sword in our basement to protect me against internet nuts who want to sally over for tea. do you have the nuts for that? show me your nuts, John McEnroe.
John: my HBO documentary comes out July 4. that's what this was all for really, it was one long advertisement...

Michael Richards at a pitch-black Brooklyn nightclub: it's an honor to shake your hand, Mr. Nicholson.
Jack Nicholson: that Kramer thing you do, that's a complete ripoff of me.
Michael Richards: i am so sorry about that, Mr. Nicholson.

John Goodman: with a beard i look exactly like Ricky Gervais...

Hawaii: we're not just paradise. we're hard. we're tough. we stage the Ironman Triathlon each year.

Laertus's dad: imagine a lazy Saturday afternoon for a pioneer in a log cabin with one lantern in 1742. what would the pioneer be doing with that Saturday back then?...

the crones one apartment over.
Doryce: i'm gonna shower with the bathroom light on.
Gladyce: whatever for, dear?!!! that just wastes electricity!!!
Doryce: i need a warm atmospheric glow when i bathe...

kayfabe: Method acting.........with consequences

MBC: how about watching some whitewater rafting videos?
Benoit: whitewater vids? yeah i would but all the men on those inflatable boats are annoying meatheads who talk over each other the whole trip down the waterfall, not meditative at all.

Takahashi: if you go the miles, if you trek state lines, to get to a Starbucks Drivethru, you gotta get a COFFEE, man!!! all that for a lemonade?!!!

Bergen, Norway: we are a separate country from Norway.........but it's not a Texas thing. look at our own icy blue mountains!!! we have our own houses!!! our own colorful houses, the Bryggen.

Laertus's dad: i just want to be an anonymous actor...

Eric Andre: you want to know what pink sauce tastes like? why didn't you come to me first...

Mardith: you know i was a cheerleader, right? you know i'm Los-Angeles-born-and-bred, right? i was a cheerleader at Six Flags Magic Mountain in Valencia, it doesn't get more L.A. than that.

Takahashi: Taco Bell, i love you, but your napkins are too small...

Carmel Bach Festival in the woods: all that great historic Bach music.........without any more babies being made.

Robina Courtin: reality ain't no naked blue video game. i straddle the line between crone and monk. i'm a monkette. look at my genuine smile, i made the right decision. you should have seen my deathly-worried face when i first stepped out in my monk robe and shaved head...

Toonami: No-Stabbing Wednesdays is in full effect.
Christopher Hall: *sadface*

Nicolle Wallace in studio: i have to pretend that i don't know you, that i have no idea who you are, that you're just another stranger guest.
Mike Schmidt: why?
Nicolle Wallace: it's the only way you can keep coming on my show.

Elizabeth Taylor: i put Pharaoh's Oil in my bathwater.........as Cleopatra, i wanted all the tan young men in my court to drink my bathwater.........to keep them healthy. and healed.

Kitty Nut: i traveled the world providing research for fur Purina for their Fancy Feast Medleys. i am the only cat who has ever stayed overnight at a European hostel...

Liberty: do not attempt to buy this insurance.........and to have fun with young people on a backyard-pool rocky slide.
 
Tunisian government at the airport: make sure you vote so we can end democracy...

Dave Pirner on a ratty couch: the "Runaway Train" video, that's not an Apple iPhone in that burly brutal bald tattoo'd dude's pocket, that's a brown knife!!! a brown-leather knife. "Black Gold", with electric cars, no more oil people...

Corita Kent: i taught Supergirl everything she knows. 
Helen Slater: hi mom. you're like a sister to me.
Doryce and Gladyce: damn. Corita Kent beat us.
Corita Kent: like the nun i was. those techniques i learned at the nunnery i used after for my relationships. i hope you like BDSM with nun cosplay...

Violetta Laze dunking the mineral pool: oh who am i kidding? nobody lives for the small moments. nobody wakes up saying,

"all i want to do today is smell coffee."

Space 22 restaurant one balcony up: Ten Forward in real life

Royal Space Force: The Wings of Honneamise: we're so good we even nailed animating the yawn.........open mouth, tongue fluttering in the wind, tears in the eyes, WE DIDN'T FORGET THE TEARS IN THE EYES!!!

Gorgosaurus skeleton on display at the Met: i'm gorgeous.........i painted my toenails red orange and pink, that's not Mars red dust on my toes...

Author! Author!: the ONLY time Al Pacino EVER did a PG movie...

Jeopardy: we made a non-decision decision...

Georgia Kernell: i'm playing Liz LeCompte...
me: *deep long sigh* i coulda fucked a professor...

Eye Luggage: Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie and go. this is the ONLY way to say this movie.

Tommy: not morphinominal, more phenomenal...

Dann Florek double-dating at a steak diner with MBC and Benoit: tell the story, Mariskacakes.
Mariska Hargitay: well, i was supposed to play Dulcea. i even got a six-pack for the role. but i wanted to spend time with my family for Christmas. they had the nerve to keep filming in Australia during the Christmas holiday. see i forgot, over there in Australia it's hot during Christmas so it's good movie weather. i was let go cos i was a bit flighty back then, young. it was worth it, that was the last time i saw my father alive teaching me how to pump iron...

Karan Ashley: for the last time, i am not Trini. for the last time the Yellow Color thing is racist to both of us. for the last time i know this movie sucks and it would have been better if Trini had been in it....

Johnny Yong Bosch: how do you think I feel? i barely talk in this. but i do have ONE MEMORABLE LINE...

Steve Cardenas: i'm not the porn one who went to jail for slashing my roommate with a scimitar. i don't think. hey wasn't i that young Boy Ranger in the series?...

Paul Freeman: i was the only ACTORE in this lousy production, the only one that made this filthy film worth seeing, Roger Ebert said as much. you could tell i was Shakespearean-trained, i said the lines with VERVE and PANACHE and sounded like i knew what i was talking about. i had COMPETENCE and PRESENCE. of course nobody lest little kids know what i look like cos my face was covered in purple paint Price made himself inside Prince's own small body.

Haim Saban and Shuki Levy: i know why this was a box-office boon but a critical failure. we advertised at DISCOVERY ZONE instead of Chuck E. Cheese!!!
Shuki Levy: Vangelis is still dead...
Discovery Zone: the Power Ranger you're looking for will not be making an appearance here today but hold on to your ball pit ticket, you never know...

David Yost: by this time i was SICK AS FUCK TO DEATH of this whole Power Rangers thing but i needed generational wealth and i couldn't play golf. tho i could pass for Arab...

Bryan Cranston: why wasn't i in this? i came up with the drug angle. i wrote the kissing scene for the 2017 movie but they cut it. why? it was sexy but sweet, a very kid-friendly kiss.

Bulk and Skull: wait, we can't jump out of a plane!!! we don't have our Elvis costumes on yet!!!
announcer: if you land on the red spot on your skydive down to the grass ground, the Earth goes boom.
kid: look, dad!! my favorite Ranger!!! Tommy!!!
dad: that man stole my woman, son.

kid: i'm so excited to see the comet pass by us!!!
Tommy: hey kid, one day the Earth will explode. and i'm the only one who has a spaceship...
dad: thanks, Tommy. the Hope Comet is named after Ryan's Hope the soap i would have starred in if you hadn't stolen my audition, Tommy.

Ivan Ooze: 6000 years ago we didn't have this inflation. the ozone was fine, it was made of ooze. ooze zone. and i was handsome, like picture Robert Redford but purple. i like my eggs scrambled.
Rita Repulsa: why'd you look at me on your eggs line? yes, yes, i only go for real men. men are only good for one thing: killing.

Takahashi: rollerblading. rollerblading was SO COOL in the '90s but man is it lame now...

Alpha 5: would you hit a woman? cos i'm a woman.
Ivan Ooze: every woman i've ever dated had a robotic voice...

Zordon: why is my bed now a discarded piece of prop from the set of Superman? i have ice crystals all around me and my body has gone cold. type AB for alien blood. i'm dying, Rangers, i only have two more breaths left. attach me up to that Darth Vader breathing mask even though i'm good. why do transfusions cost so much at UCLA? why does my lower body look like a giant Slim Jim beef stick?
Kimberly: YOU CAN'T DIE, ZORDON!!! i haven't cried yet, this is my big emotional scene.

Tommy: hey look at me. as the twinkling stars sprinkle my body i'm orgasming, look at my face.
Kimberly: i'm orgasming too on my face as the stars come in and surround my body. the little twink twinkle stars. except my face is more like Cathy's from the comic strip.

Ivan Ooze: kids, tell you parents to eat glue. adult glue. they'll know what you mean. 
Tyzik: this was obviously geared towards children, only children can save the day and all the parents are dumb, the parents are LITERALLY zombies. rents short for parents and you have to pay rent to them...

Fred Kelman: that is not a kid's name. anyway, kids, we need to form a Kid Nation like that one on CBS!!! your parents have been brainwashed. by politics but also the ooze. you have to listen to me, i'm wearing my baseball cap backwards.

Tengu: we got Judy Garland's permission. we're flying monkeys but we're on Mars so no copyrights apply.

Dulcea: i'm Xena uh Dulcea. i was supposed to be on that Better Than Ezra video. my eyes ARE the sea. see? the greatest ability is availability, i got the part simply because i'm Australian and understood the weather patterns around here. as a girl i rode my bike through that same quarry the boys did, the boys of Breaking Away...

Johnny Yong Bosch: i'm a frog.
Dulcea: that was funny. so you're the ONLY one i'll kiss.
Johnny: can i touch your Xena boobs?
Dulcea: no.
Johnny: i'm learning what it's like to be an anime voice actor, frog girls and no touching.

Dulcea: i cannot leave this circle or i'll age and end up a hag like Mariska Hargitay. i shall turn into an owl instead. who cares what JK Rowling thinks...

Tommy: see that golden ancient-ruins temple in the forest? THAT was the inspiration for the Legends of the Hidden Temple reboot which was a tepid disaster, not that Dora the Explorer shit. i stan for my Nickelodeon fam. family is everything to me. whoa! these animatronic dinosaur skeletons are more realistic than the real dinosaurs in Jurassic Park!!! Ninjetti? sounds like a Chef Boyardee can of wheel pasta in butter sauce. sounds like a Ninjago ripoff.

Blue Ranger: the Monolith has Stone Gargoyles we have to fight and Stanley Kubrick comes out of hiding...
Jonathan Frakes: and i finally get to kiss a man on Star Trek. Riker was gay, that's what opens the portal.

Kimberly: that right THERE was our chance to kiss. the sun going down on the beach next to the big crag rocks by a spraying Big Sur ocean wave. and seagull noises.
Tommy: yes. but we didn't kiss.
Kimberly: would have been perfect. like the end of that M83 "Teen Angst" music video.

Ivan Ooze: Angel Grove residents, commit suicide and become angels.........damn this is DARK for a kid's movie!!!
parents: it's better than working construction...

Scorpitron: '90s graphics, the same graphics on your computer screen at home!!!

Fred: spray your parents with water!!! it works on our cats!!! our cats aren't with us anymore.........they left.
parents: this feels nice. it's HOT in Australia now...
Ivan Ooze: yes i like Ozzy Osbourne and Christina Aguilera...

Ivan Ooze: my mother wanted me to become a space meteorologist...

Tommy: you good, Zordon?
Zordon: thanks, Tommy, you saved the day again. i hate your hair, Tommy. Tommy, why was it the style in the '90s for men to wear only one earring? yeah i lost a lot of blood. yeah, plasma screen, that's what i use to project my big-ass face.

Tommy: hey kid, you want to join the Power Rangers one day? be a Boy Ranger or something?
Fred: nah, you guys crack the backs of lobsters to eat them, that's not cool.

Mordant: i'm happy in my life.

Zordon: you stupid kids saved the sea but that fireworks celebration was over the ocean, the fireworks seeped into the ocean and polluted it!!! 
Rita Repulsa: don't worry, i turned the fireworks into giant snowflakes!!! that's worse!!!

Rita Repulsa: i can't laugh my signature evil laugh, that's copyrighted by Japan...

Anthony Kiedis from the Red Hot Chili Peppers: we were so high when we did this soundtrack. blind with money and power. we thought this was for the porn version of Power Rangers. that's why we arrived at the studio with no shirts on. yeah like i thought i'd be the Red Chili Ranger in the porn...
Flea: i'd be Ranger Boy...
Anthony Kiedis: g'night folks.

MBC, Benoit, Baby Lightray, and Kitty Nut are gathered round the big table in the glass apartment for a grand spaghetti dinner.
MBC: not spaghetti, sagegetti. we're preparing our minds for the big climb tomorrow.
Benoit: i found pubic hair in the bath today. one of mine, it looked like a spider. i saved it, i didn't crush it under my toe.
Berwin eats his spaghetti on zoom from a tiny tv screen on the table.
Berwin: who cooked this?
MBC: Benoit does all the cooking, i'm a modern woman who's killing it!!!
Berwin spooling his spaghetti around his spork: i wanna be a husband ho, too.
MBC: i'm too busy coming up with the ideas to cook. like this one: REAL Krabby Pattys!!! huh? right? real-life Krabby Pattys made from kelp. i call them Kelp Help. 
Benoit: haute cookure.
Berwin: yeah i don't know.
Baby Lightray: remember, break off a little chunk of lantern and sprinkle that dash of Himalayan pink salt on the spaghetti instead of more tired green cans of parmesan cheese.
Berwin: um, yeah, i was gonna say that...
Kitty Nut: the baby learned to speak from me...
MBC: early to bed early to snore, team, a beast bitch of a mountain awaits us in the morning. greeting our unshampoo'd hair. hey Berwin, don't be snorting any of that pink salt into your nostril tonight to prepare, okay bro? 

 

 






Monday, July 25, 2022

TMIT: LIFE IS ABOUT MOMENTS

 




1. would you rather be attracted to for your body or your mind? i posed this question as part of an extensive interview for Pizzazz Magazine at the Cathouse Cafe in downtown Peoria, the suburban part of town with all the farms. all the ladies in bluejeans in passing conversation, in intense discussion, all told me their dream man was:

Benedict Cumberbatch

NOT for his looks, for his MIND. for his encyclopedic BRAIN. like a steel Sherlockian trap. yes BUT THAT'S NOT FAIR.........i mean look at Benedict Cumberbatch's FACE!!! that's not fair...  

2. what would be more embarrassing for you out in public---to be seen tripping or adjusting your "package"?

it matters the package. for instance if you have in your hands a silver rectangular package containing the Nintendo Entertainment System with the Light Zapper, that's useless now in the society of the future.........one can hope one can dream. you need to get the box with the NES Advantage joystick, those were very rare back then. see in my whole childhood i have but one regret: i never got to play with my joystick, my NES Advantage joystick. that thing was so cool but i never got to feel the delicious ball of that stick running betwixt my anticipating sweating fingers. 


this all took place in 1985 btw...

3. if you are going to be famous what is it for? for SOMETHING, rather than NOTHING. for a book i write. something substantial. a book on how to construct a time machine so you can go back and fix your life...

4. would you rather urinate in a porta-potty or the nearest bush?

i would do ANYTHING to attend Lilith Fair one more time. i'd give Tabitha Soren a GREAT BIG HUG that lasted the three days of the festival. she needs to heal, i need to heal, we could heal together. 

i would do anything, even doing doo-doo in a porta-potty. songs=sacrifice, music is messy. even if there were no porta-potties at Lilith Fair. i actually don't remember there being porta-potties at Lilith Fair...

one time i peed in a bush and Homer Simpson yelled out "DOH!!!". the pee hit his yellow bald head, you couldn't tell cos the colors all blended together...

5. what new beginning are you excited about? i'm finally going on that post-pandemic vacation. my trip will take two weeks, i'm walking two blocks to a CVS and back...

BONUS: burrito or tamale?

Deadpool holding a deep-fryer in his hand burning his hand even tho his hand is in a glove: chimichangas.






Friday, July 22, 2022

THE FRENCH IN ACTION REUNION


 




notes:

* French in Action reunion: it's TOO PERFECT that this is being held at Yale.
Mireille Belleau: i still got two balloons. i STILL look good despite my age, FRENCH DON'T CRACK. i look better than Brigitte Bardot did when she turned into a hag.
Robert Taylor: my name was Robert Taylor? i had a more interesting mayonnaise real name. i STILL look good. i haven't aged a DAY!!! even tho i traded in my Yale sweater for a fan T-shirt of the heavy-metal band Phoenix.
Professor Capretz: HOW THE HELL AM I STILL ALIVE?!!! i mean i was old TO START WITH back in the '80s at the start of this program!!! it's one of those Jean-Luc Picard situations. i had to get this Dennis the Menace haircut to save face. i made everyone in my classroom FREAK and pee their pants when i started speaking English in the room. i shoulda played Popeye, not Robin Williams.

* Charles Mayer: oui, Valerie!!! blessed angel, your face is full of wrinkles now and i kiss it with dignity, respect, the purest of love, the reverence of lived time. your face in all its bumps scrapes and bruises represents your pain and hardship. your face is the DELICATE SPECIAL JOURNEY we went on together, only the two of us know. you're like a sister to me!!!
Valerie: thanks, Chuck Bob, you're a real dear. so i guess you didn't die in a motorcycle crash like the audience was led to believe on that final shot in the last episode, you riding away on that scooter into the sunset. alone.
Charles: i wore my helmet. i really thought there was gonna be a second season, at least do a wrap-up movie or something.
Pierre Capretz: THIS REUNION is the wrap-up movie.

* Dawsonville: take the southern Stairs to see the alternate timeline where Katie Holmes chooses Pacie instead of Tom Cruise...

* walk the runway...

* crepe myrtles: actually delicate painted houses and rooftops...

* calumet pipe: the smoke is lavender cream.
Janine Turner: ...

* Pete Davidson: my dream came true. i had a kid. with Kare Beckinsale. his name is Sale. as in it's pronounced Sa-Lay...

* Juliette Binoche: i am TERRIFIED of dating Spider-Man. i had to walk under a ladder on a smelly French street smelling of croissant to get myself out of that date. when that didn't work i did a Moroccan boobs-n-butts wedding dance under the ladder. my daughter Hana ran off with Gargamel...

* Codrus: it's all always cut and dry to me.........like a Soul Asylum song...

* Sonic: our summer snacks, all new, all summer, changes every month, so we have exactly 3 summer snacks...

* Cotard: life hack tip of the day: wait till you heat up that chalice of cabernet-sauvignon-sausage spaghetti sauce.........only when you cook it do you smell that hot wine.

* Anthony Edwards: everyone gets the medical dramas mixed up, i did my doctor work at a Chicago hospital, not a Seattle hospital. i did pitch for the Seattle Mariners against the New York Yankees once...

* Celine from the Before Trilogy: i'll take that boisson. merci.
Mireille from French in Action: hey bitch, i was here first...

* Violetta Laze: feeling sluggish? it's Cancer Season. Cancer Season is cancer.

* Brooks Nader: yes i'm the daughter of Ralph Nader. can't you tell?

* General Foods International coffees: we're supposed to be the height of sophistication. so why is "General" in our name?

* Shakopee: Shakespeare's REAL home town. the REAL origin story of Hamlet...

* Steven Spielberg: do i look better with or without the ponytail?...

* soft hooligans: we use bricks.........of butter.

* Janette Oak: i write Christian lesbian erotica...

* sandstone: the official stone of electronica.........sandstone sun.

* bonnet-ripper: sex scenes between seamstresses...

* rally skirt: pleated, made of wooden boxcars.

* T-Mobile: you can only get coverage if the rock formation you're under is in a perfect circle. not available in space. well there's ONE bar in space: to feed Elon Musk's twitter...

* Verizon: tell everyone.
doctor: i can't come out and help when the bush is here. otherwise i go back into the hedges and wait for my favorite Simpsons episode from the '90s to repeat.
man: hi. i'm the Mexican Weird Al...

* Progressive
Mara: omg look at my puffy cheeks! i look EXACTLY like Flo now!!! THIS IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE!!!
Mara: who wants to go to Paris? Paris is burning i mean boring. wouldn't you rather go to Toledo where Hell is located?
Mara: want some tacos?
man: yes but the tacos at Chipotle are surprisingly bad.
Mara: i just proved that Reverse Psychology didn't die out with Freud in the 1980s...

* Samsung Mobile
girl: it's like Fort Knox.
boy: why do you have a chain for a belt?
girl: trust me, i have a British accent. and i'm tall. and i wear bellbottoms.
boy: why are we at a bar? are you sure you are at least 18?
girl: no but i was on House of Anubis so i matured quickly.

* Kathryn Hahn: camel. llama. my favorite band growing up was Silverchair, they liked emus...
Kathryn Hahn: crayons were meant to go into both nostrils of the nose. crayons were the first vaccines. look at a crayon's shape...

* Verizon
young man: i'm Kurt Cobain if he were a ginger.........as if Kurt didn't have enough problems. and if plaid was just grey plaid you know? not green or red plaid.

* Walmart: we get it, you're just getting by. your ENTIRE life purpose is to get that copper watering can. sometimes the dog is in the wheelchair and you're the one with the plastic collar around your neck. dad, don't pat your son on the stomach when you give him your pop heart-to-heart convo, your son may have a tummy ailment. high-five his armpit instead.

* Kid Cudi: Camp McDonald's is cool. but it's too busy, you have no idea what's going on here, there are 50,000 things going on at the same time.

* 1950 Census: your grandparents returned home from the war flush with Boomer money. they were able to buy a house and a front lawn and a lawn sprinkler...

* BEHR paint 
Lisa Gilroy: i didn't steal that joke from Craig Robinson's pizza. check out my twitter where i do a monologue from Austin Powers in a sad way, it's HILARIOUS. carrots have feelings, too. my standup is about carrots but it's not only about carrots, it's about an influential next-door neighbor i had.

* IKEA: this longtable was used to play the first game of whiff-whaff uh ping-pong table tennis in a 1066 English castle...


happy weekend, my babies. i just found out that there's like, 10, new flavors of Gevalia coffee i haven't yet tried. i've tried the Royal flavor but not the Deep Purple Royal flavor. can i have that cup of coffee with Lorde? i'll be stalking the Walmart website the rest of the night...





Wednesday, July 20, 2022

ON TOP OF EVERYTHING: BABY LIGHTRAY (A BABY PROVIDES THE BEDROCK FOUNDATION FOR A COUPLE)


 












MBC is on her knees on the plank. the planks of the boat. the Steamin' Sturner. her fingers grip the edge with bloody claspy tension. 
MBC: i'm not scared for myself. i'm scared for our oceans. this is all for kelp deforestation, to prevent it.
Kitty Nut perched on the edge: are you ready for your first dive as a pregnant woman WHOOPS!! cat's out of the bag!!!
MBC: eh, i knew. i felt an itch behind my earlobe.
Kitty Nut: well okay then.
MBC: but i don't believe it cos i've never been pregnant. it feels strange for a woman on her first time, you feel like a non-human ghost, a blob of jelly from outer space. 
Kitty Nut: we're all blobs of jelly from outer space.
MBC: the motherly instinct hasn't kicked in. i haven't gotten it in me.
Kitty Nut: not yet. it'll come. just like he came in you.
MBC: thanks for being so supportive and understanding *points her finger up* READY FOR THE BIG D-I!!!
Kitty Nut: wait, here, i need to cut back. take this nug of nip from my paw and spread in all around into your balding head, it's a better swimcap than any crown you may wear. that's it, smear it all around under your ears, rub it in your recesses, don't forget to get your earlobes. tuck it in.
MBC: catnip conditioner, sea shampoo, i love it. wait i'm losing my hair?
Kitty Nut: part of pregnancy. every woman goes through it. 
MBC dives in. wetting her paint-polka-dot blouse.
Dr. Fauci fishing off the boat: i am NOT wearing that Bane mask. wear a mask, Earth population. but i am not wearing THAT mask.

Kate Bush at a coldwater creek: Stevie Nicks is the American ME. it's even more surprising and remarkable "Running Up That Hill" became an insane global popular phenomenon and a hit considering the music video WASN'T EVEN SHOWN by MTV!!! it was canceled!!! banned!!! MTV wanted lip-syncing not interpretive Katniss dance.

Madame Pons: that soap carved like a bald man-troll doesn't smell like Akamaru's pee, it smells like cheese...
Eye Luggage: the forest dwarves are getting gothier and gothier...

Akamaru: i am the most beloved dog in all of fiction. more beloved than Benji, Lassie, or Scooby-Doo.

Formula E: the sound tho

Crank Yankers: if a puppet show had to keep going, why the hell wasn't it Greg the Bunny?!!!

Jerry Seinfeld: you see that bicycle mounted to my apartment wall like that there? yeah i never once used it in the show, there's not one episode of Seinfeld of me pedaling a bike, me riding that bike.

Formula E: F-Zero GX in real life. our steering wheel is LITERALLY a Playstation controller.

Laertus's dad: i never had the McSalad Shakers at McDonald's. cos i was never into salad. i regret that now.

Emma Raducanu in a bikini: there is nothing more beautiful than Raging Waters during golden hour...

Skittles: Sludge The Rainbow

comedian evacuates after active shooter...

SCOTUS: not Scottish.

asador: spit. but not spit like spit. spit like spit roast, rotating meat.

time crystals: what's floating around in lightsabers...

Kool & the Gang "Summer Madness": the first electronica song...

Alan Simpson: remember in more genteel times when i would argue with my Democrat senator friend around the same fireside warm NPR roundtable in a very soft cordial voice. we'd sit around and argue about and over these things called issues...
NPR roundtable: there used to be non-toxic Skittles in a bowl on top of me. Skittles were safe in the '90s...

Hordy from One Piece aboard Noah's Ark: i'm hoarding steroid pills hence the name.
Jessie from Saved by the Bell: ...
Hordy: i'm gonna have one HELL of an overdose...

Thad Foucher: i broke up with Russ Westbrook. for irreconcilable differences. like a Hollywood marriage.

Michael Weiss: the only thing is, all these spam accounts on Instagram, where do they get all these glossy photos of attractive strangers with their groomed dogs from?
Elon Musk: ...

MAD Magazine: the kid version of Playboy Magazine

Alfred E. Neuman: the E stands for Formula E. this WHOLE TIME you had no idea i was a ginger.........my hair color is red.

today in a street tribute to wife Posh, David Beckham got on one knee and...

taking a break in the submarine hatch.
Benoit: Men's Health Magazine literally gives me the creeps...
MBC: there's a Women's Health Magazine, too...
Benoit oh yeah? COOL!!! Karen Gillan on the cover!!!

brain-eating amoeba: there is a lot of brain-melting music being sold at that Amoeba store in Berkeley...

Aussie lemonade: it's not pee...

Gladyce: there's just something about that mysterious alluring black can of Ranch Beans. i must lick those beans.........i don't care if i fart.

Rusacks Hotel: expensive. if you don't pay up you sleep outside in itchy sleeping bags. 
Doryce: fuck rucksacks!!!
Rusacks Hotel: aren't we a delightful building?!!! a centuries-old castle that's a real hotel!!! a real place you can stay at!!! we got that charm of a Jack Nicholson The Shining villa steeped in the color of deep grey.
Doryce: you're like a colorful chalet on the Swiss Alps with no way to escape the snow. the roads are always blocked with ice like golf cartpaths.
Rusacks Hotel: we're literally ON the golf course. there's a British Open hole in front of us and a British Open hole in back of us. lots of golfball-shaped holes in our windows...
Doryce: i got a hole in back of me that i want playthroughed. 
Rusacks Hotel: what happened to Rory out there on Sunday?
Doryce: his collapse HURT. hurt ME. i don't know what happened. you'd think he'd be motivated after our sex in your SACK, hotel. 
Rusacks: we're on Ukraine's side in the war, we just want to make that clear... 
Rusacks: and what's up Sergio's butt? 
Doryce: not a bee, that would produce honey in his hole. when i was with Sergio he had oily hands he kept scratching. Rory McIlroy and Sergio Garcia, i bagged them both!!! at the same time!!! one of my better threesomes that Saturday night. 
Gladyce: you drained the energy from both those boys, dear. they had nothing left in the hyperbaric-chamber flotation-isolation-tank to give but apathy and anger, exhaustion and enervation.
Doryce: our pillow talk after was lovely. Rory talked abut his dreams to me. he said he wanted to be on the Big Yellow Board, he wanted to see his name in First. i told him that yellow sign was who was the best in watersports and golf is not a sport. the best pee-er, you know.
Gladyce: i always thought it was cos the grass at every British Open is always yellow...

Jack Nicholson: Rudram, not Redrum.

Claes Oldenburg: well i WAS old when i died...

Claes: that's a Battlestar Galactica name...

The Red and the Black: the first grimoire at a monastery. the first book all monks were forced to read. historical.
Cotard: tis true. i remember being a young boy with a bowl cut at the monastery getting an A Plus on my essay on this book. i love a good psychological thriller from the 19th century, psychology was in its infancy. 
Codrus: fuck all the noise this book brought!!! i cut through it!!! i am clear-cut where i stand at all times!!! i am a Legitimist Jesuit. i am the only-known Republican monk who has ever lived...

Katharine McPhee's wrapping legs: i'm just imitating the very first issue of Playgirl Magazine in tribute...

Eye Luggage: The Flintstones and go. the 1994 movie. also known as The Flintstones Movie and Flintstones: The Movie.

Rubikon: LYNCHING. yeah. it's true. the lynching scene. i mean COME ON...
Steven Spielberg: the '90s were cool. a little TOO cool when it came to policy...
Kurt Cobain: you could get away with ANYTHING in the '90s. you could even break the law when it came to your own life...

John Goodman: i did NOT want to be Fred Flintstone. even though i was PERFECT for it. i mean that is a career-KILLER. a stone-cold CAREER-KILLER. but how do you turn down Steven Spielberg? one does not simply say no to Steven Spielberg...
Steven Spielberg: the movie wouldn't've been made if you had refused to play Fred.
John: just as well. this movie is TERRIBLE. the script sucks, it's awful. but the special effects are SUBLIME. 
Steven: it made a KILLING at the box office.
John: i appreciated the hot stones at the Burger King Sauna in my rider, sir.
Steven: be sure to take those vitamins i sent you in the mail in an envelope, John, i'm looking at your body now and i'm noticing you're fat. the purple chalky vitamins.
Madame Pons: yeah it sucks that Fred Flintstone's orange robe hits us over the head with the fact that it's a sabre-toothed-tiger pelt...

Roger Ebert: this was an insult to kids. how is this a family comedy? kids who grew up watching the Flintstones cartoon will have no idea what any of these adult themes being explored here mean.
Steven: the thing is, The Flintstones was originally pitched as an adult animated comedy show, something for the parents to watch when the kids went to bed, it was originally shown at 10PM in living rooms everywhere...
Dino: living rock rooms.
Baby Lightray: i understood it. but i understand you, too.
Laertus's dad: yeah when i watched it i never realized nor got the impression of the adult aspect to it, it was just another cartoon for me to idolize and draw. 

Mardith: Mr. Rog Ebert, can you teach me the porn moves you directed in your movie?...

Rosie O'Donnell: i know. i know. i know. EVERYBODY AND THE PRESIDENT BUMP says i was MISCAST for Betty Rubble. 
Janine Turner: it should have been ME!!!
Rosie: oh stuff it, snow queen!!! pipe down with an Eskimo pipe. you LOOK like her but i SOUNDED like her. my mouth magically made the Betty Rubble Giggle at audition and i was set for life!!! that ONE GIGGLE gave me my car, my home, and my baby!!! and my talk show!!! screw you, Star Search!!!!!!!!!!!
Barney: a car using your big feet to drive?
Wilma: but shouldn't Betty be HOT? it's just.........shouldn't Betty Rubble be a betty? asking for a friend, woman to woman...

Rick Moranis: Danny DeVito would have been a better Barney. any SNL'er would have been better than John Goodman. even Norm from Cheers. my last name is Rubble? that's insulting!!! imagine Danny DeVito with blond hair...

Elizabeth Perkins: i had to lie down on a piano made of boulder keys to secure the role.........but i beat out Jennifer Rabbit!!!!!!

Elizabeth Taylor: this was my last part. and of course a woman's final role is always playing the bitch.
Fred: always the bitch mother-in-law.
Liz Taylor: i LOVED John Goodman on set, i used his fatass as my pillow, a woman needs her beauty sleep to maintain her youth!!! 

Liz Taylor putting on her horn-rimmed glasses: come on, producers, my name is Pearl Slaghoople? i'm trying NOT to be a slag, can i get ONE RESPECTABLE PART before i die?

Bedrock: we're a bedroom community...

Steven Spielberg: i mean i was ahead of my time, these cars that can only be steered with the feet, sure they're murder on the feet but this is the first electric car!!! no gas needed.
Elon Musk: i hate you, Steven Spielberg, dream-killer. why do you have to KILL everyone's dreams before they can dream it? before they have the chance to dream it. it's not my fault, i can't help when i was born!!!

Steven Spielberg: the opening scene. like the tv show originally meant to be broadcast in the 1930s. the famous dinosaur crane and tail slide. you see how realistic that animatronic dinosaur is? i did better work here with these dinosaurs than with the Jurassic Park animatronic dinosaurs. in fact we were so worried Jurassic Park would be a flop we HUGELY ADVERTISED it in this movie. 

Halle Berry: my part was meant to go to the real Sharon Stone. there is so much wrong with this, so much to unpack, so many societal strands to pull here...

Kyle MacLachlan: i'm too nice a guy to be a villain, look at my face, i have a trusting face. i'm the only person on this set who ever combed their hair. at this Company, we make.........fuel. yeah, fuel. we crush all the rocks to make gas. even though this is the dawning of the age of the electric car...

Cliff Vandercave: i'm Dutch in a way, i'm from the Dutch side of Pangaea. where do you want to fuck uh flee, my saucy rock-candy tart. let's fuck like prehistoric people, like prehistoric animals.
Sharon Stone: anywhere but Las Vegas...

Fred: what do you eat, Dino?
Dino: Carl's Jr. and Seinfeld characters. i wash it all down with toilet water. 
Baby Lightray: yeah i'm better than any of these babies. Pebbles is just Pippi Longstocking, Jr. and Bamm-Bamm is FUCKING annoying as fuck. that's not even a real club!!! it's a plastic club made of NERF.

Dino: EWWWW! that's DISGUSTING!!! the garbage disposal, come on, man!!! what the fuck IS that creature? that creature that burps and gulps toxic green and purple gas? you gotta be humane to animals like me and him on set, it says so in my rider next to craft service. don't eat me as a leg. these poor creatures were never meant to consume whole cans of Coke, just the can, and stray flyaway pieces of leftover food. neglected niblets. animals were never meant to swallow chicken bones with one feather still attached to the bone. let this poor pig become the Green Goblin in peace.
Steven Spielberg: sorry, i had a Gremlins fever dream that night sketching...
Dirg: looks like creatures i draw for my comic books. creatures which keep me alive.

Fred: the Rubbles need the money to buy a baby. i mean adopt a baby. 
Wilma: there's a black market for babies in this age, they're all black babies of course because we all originate from Africa.
Fred: i thought Bedrock was filmed at those Star Trek rocks...

Liz Taylor: why did you settle for this deadbeat Fred? you coulda married Robert Redford!!! uh, Robert Redrum. Robert Redrocks, he's an entrepreneur that owns a line of music concerts. aren't you gonna help me up? what am i, the Meg of this universe? aren't you the least bit interested and interesting, Fred? i've fought bigger men than you in a Dallas pond!!! i see what Fred does with all that money.
Wilma, perkily: hookers and blow? as in hook cranes and limestone?
Liz: he spends it all on adoption and babies.

Kyle: this is like the SATs. we're the PSATs, P for Prehistoric.
Fred: Barney ol boy, i got a 1600 on my SATs!!!
Barney: i switched aptitude tests with you, Fred. i'm smart as fuck and rubbing oil on Elon Musk's pale-as-fuck white body.
Eye: Elon's chest is too goth even for ME.
Barney: remember, Fred? the vow i made to you. at the bowling ally. we cried over each other like men.
Fred: it's okay for men to cry as long as they're wearing capital-looking fur-hats made of water-buffalo tusks and we're all drinking beer in a circle. 
Richard Moll: the new Night Court with the daughter judge is gonna be WEIRD.
the fellas in heated conversation at a bowling alley: it's like saying the Earth is flat.........this line is not funny anymore in 2022. 
Fred: and what was with that bowling alley? it was strange. an outdoors bowling alley? i don't know. i'm drunk a lot.

Dann Florek: this is a corporate longtable. like an MBC/Benoit longtable. after you watch me in THIS you will never again take me seriously as a hardnosed no-nonsense scary boss lieutenant of squadron police detectives. Captain Cragen? more like Captain Craggin'. give me my Shakespeare ruff so i can wear it around my neck to keep my bald head upright and supine and show good posture. i'm from Flat Rock, Michigan, no joke.
Joseph Barbera: why do i have to be a chauffeur valet and YOU get to be on the board in the boardroom?!!!
William Hanna: cos i'm crazy. i did all the WORK in our little twosome. i drew all the characters and created all the characters and slept with all the secretaries and maids like i was an actual executive...
Joseph: i stayed true to my animator roots. and humanity's roots. and that "Tarzan" pop song.

Halle Berry draped across Fred's dungeon desk: i like to work late and i have big tits.
Fred: your boulders? all women have boulders. you're making my penis a rock pile, a rockpile, my penis is now a cairn.

Betty: we're neighbors now, neighbors inside your house.
Wilma: the entire human race lives here in Bedrock. we're all neighbors of the Green Gazoo Genome.
Betty: you got a jacuzzi? a hot tub? a home hot spring?
Wilma: that's cruel, bitch. it HURTS the brown mastodon mammoth to hold hot running water in its trunk like that.
Betty: i call them furry elephants the color of their own dung. 

Snuffy from Sesame Street on the Flintstones set: it's a living.
 
Rosie: how do you get the cum stains out of Fred's underwear?
Elizabeth: i pretend i don't see it. my eyes aren't right, they have no pupils, they're just two black dots!!!
Rosie: sorry babe, you snooze with no eyes you lose. that's why i got the McDonald's commercial.

Dictabird: i'm a dick. i know where the bodies are buried and where the signatures are chiseled.

Laraine Newman: hello!!! sexy is back!!! why did i do that SNL reporter-voice at audition, now i'm stuck with that voice. if i had giggled i'd have a car, house, baby, and songwriter husband. Belushi would still be alive cos i would've been able to afford rehab for the both of us. i traded in my leotard for a cavewoman skin. 

CNN: this isn't fake news, there are actual riots going on...

Fred: i'm rich and famous and stuck-up
Barney: you're dumb as a rock. you have rocks in your head, literally. think about it, why would they make a limousine version of driving with your feet?
Fred Schneider: i don't sing, i use my voice to say things annoyingly. it's called Sprechgesang, bitch.
Nietzsche: ...
Kate Pierson: why wasn't i Wilma?...

Barney lying down with an ice-pack on his head: i'm sorry, Betty. 
Betty: you'll always be a genius to me, Barn. you're a good provider, you'll see this family through. maybe we have to give Bamm-Bamm back, he belongs in a forest anyway.
Barney: only Superman can truly care for that boy. the boy is mine. i'm too weak. i walked down the street yesterday and got mugged by a bird.  

Fred at the board meeting: i made clay models to prove my point.........in this age you can mold clay to literally make hot Golem models.
Jonathan Winters: i did the hat thing before Steve Buscemi.
Mike Pence: i'd like one blue raspberry sno-cone please.
 
Bamm-Bamm: wait, how did i allow myself to get tied up? i'm the strongest human on the planet as of now.

Laertus: i must admit i smiled internally. i chuckled inside when John Goodman yells YABBA DABBA DOO!!! in exclamation.
John: it only works if you fly in the sky and float first. breaking the laws of physics. there's no science in prehistoric times...

Halle Berry: quarry my big beautiful ass!!! now we quarrel in the quarry. 
Kyle MacLachlan petrified encased in stone substance: this is fine, i ain't scared, i always wanted to be Han Solo anyway. i didn't get the part. my audition was cancelled for covid. covid started in prehistoric times.

Halle Berry: no. not cool. i'm not doing this scene where i get handcuffed by the cops and led away in a perp-walk. no way. i'm serious.

Halle Berry: at least this was good training for my Catwoman later. the femme fatale who wants to do good, is a good person inside, but had to do bad to make ends meet. i'm just a car-burglar criminal. and is sexy as fuck being bad. 

Mr. Slate: i call it concrete. wait, i have a daughter? i really wanted Cragen and Benson to hook up, that would have been a nice pairing, that marriage would have lasted. man i look goofy in these glasses.

Fred: can you loan me a few bucks, best friend?
Barney: chisel them yourself, you ingrate. invent the wheel yourself, you sloppy-drunk shmuck.
Fred: okay. let's be honest, you're more my drinking buddy than my friend. i don't know who i am most of the time, it's like i'm in this nightmare where i live in prehistoric times and i can't get out of it. here, to pay off all the pain i've caused, all the debt i've incurred, all the monetary and emotional damage that came from me, Fred Flintstone, here, Barney, take this packet of ketchup.

Fred: i'm already rich, i have family and friends. rich people in this world get hanged. the Stone Age is over, but Space is vast and goes on forever, there's no point in exploring it. the Jetsons will never be as popular as us.
Seth MacFarlane wearing a fox skin: i'll make sure of that.

Steven Spielberg: back to the classic black-and-white television show of yore. the old series. the head tearing the roof of the car, those fucking large-ass ribs that tip the car carriage over, and putting the saber-toothed cat out with the morning milk bottles.
saber-tooth tiger: yeah i didn't appreciate that, chieftain. who do you think you are, boss? that drop hurt me, i chipped my tooth on the front stoop step and had to go to the dentist who was just a bird. my teeth used to be sexy swords. now they need braces made of concrete. g'night folks.

Kitty Nut at the surface on the boat: how are you doing down there? you've been underwater for two days now.
MBC talking in scuba bubbles: it's called a deep dive.
Kitty Nut: what have you found below on the ocean depths? the missing link? stegosaurus bones with wings? Archaeopteryx
MBC: it was dark as fuck down there, i couldn't see a thing. then something miraculous happened. suddenly there was this BRIGHT LIGHT overcoming everything, covering the entire ocean floor!!! bathing it in water so i could see. i was able to root out the weeds and the catnip and save the kelp forest on the seabottom soil. i saved 5 years' worth of crop from predators!!! 
Baby Lightray: that was me. that was MY light. hi. sorry for that sudden stomach pop. like a stomach pump. it's a pain. that wasn't you feeling the decompression of coming up for air. that was me. like a tummy tug. like a tummy tuck. 
Baby Lightray jumps from the bottom of the ocean into the boat. 
MBC takes two days to dive upwards back to the sky and into the boat. she dusts off her wetsuit, combs her stringy hair that stings, and shakes hands with Baby Lightray.
MBC: nice to meet you, i will be your mother. i didn't feel it before but now i feel it now that you're not in me. embezzlement, mother-in-law problems, office politics, extramarital affairs, these are things our family will never have to endure now that you've been born.
Baby Lightray shaking hands with MBC: hello, ma'am. nice to meet you. i will be your meaning.