Friday, July 30, 2021




* Amanda Knox: this sucks.........what does this have to do with water? i'm not a matter what happens i am NOT going to court for damages.

* Russian athletes: we didn't dope, Russia did. don't hate that we cocky at the Olympics, BEAT US!!!

* Nada Tawfik: i wasn't on vacation, i was getting a tan.

* whoa whoa whoa no more HOT SUMMER DEALS!!! i'm not hot. Pizza Hut? i don't need Pizza Hut deals, i got enough with Pizza Hut commercials!

* i don't know about you but i need to get the fuck outta here. travel to a brave new world and start over. Junior is right. i got the itch Bactine cannot cure. don't you? atop a seaside cliff with two red wooden-plank chairs used for Great Gatsby beach parties in summers and Depeche Mode in winters. a world without computers.........okay but no more adult swim facebook and youtube. a world without gardening blogs that ask for your gum. take it from me i learned this the hard way: NEVER follow your best friend to the bike shoppe...   

* Golden Corral: no more masks. and no more sneeze guards.

* John Hancock: my Visa card was denied.

* Phoenix: ah the good old days......Berkeley before 9/11...those swinging vines in the beige room in the corner of the Library Hidden In The Ivy, class on avedra and sutras taught by that hot bulbous babe with the bucolic bellbottoms on her paisley psychedelic pants with an onion in her hair who wanted all the Religious Studies majors to unite!!! presumably in her upstairs hostel with her two roommates from Norway Sven and Sven's Father.
* why does my coffee taste so good? i put it in the kiln.

* Black Biker Babes: we don't use Visa, that's old money. we use digital dollars and it lasts forever.

* surfer: you could beat me!
girl in bedroom: i'm not schizophrenic?
surfer: other s.

 * not a food truck. a skatepark

* talking car: don't be frightened. but i'm alive. if you don't win the Gold Medal i'll lock you inside me forever.

* there are so many doubts in this mirror.........wait am i real or the mirror?...

* you can even conduct an orchestra in Sydney. there won't be any fans tho.

* if i can get HERE from THERE, there can be fishing in the Olympics.

* a journey of one step starts with Jordans

* KITT: i went electric first. but i scared all the kids cos i never went to sleep.

* what are those spoons called that have the ornate decoration flower patterns on them for Chinese soup, those mini-ladles

* Only Murders In The Building: the only case Agatha Christie could never solve.
Selena Gomez: that granola chick from Berkeley did balloon pants years before me.
Skip Bayless: i had to be in this movie to one-up Stephen A Smith. that Handmaid chick needs to smile more.

* that Jessica Long commercial made me cry so hard my tears filled an Olympic pool

* Ghana skateboarders: who's Nyjah Huston?

* Walter the cat: this is how the food chain works on Melmac, don't believe Alf's propaganda.
Alf: you saw what happened to my planet. you saw what we did to Superman's planet. don't think it can't happen to Earth.

* Liev: live. junk sleep, it causes you to forget the one thing your boss told you not to forget: that you are your own boss.

* wolf: chaos reigns.
fox: it's not as scary when you have a pillow on your head.

* Uber: this is Leslie Jones, can i come back to SNL? the Olympics were a dud without crowds.

* first date without the kids in a year? yep, but you had to sell the car, remember? 

* if you get run over by a nun on a scooter, do you go to Heaven?

* Kathy: i break barriers. time records. and balls. i won the Gilf Olympics.

* guide: so are all of you Olympic athletes?
zoomers: no we just like cat cafes.
guide: so remember, everyone in Tokyo hates anime. those aren't red lanterns, Mario died by fireball there. the square watermelon is actually an inedible candle from LUSH. Starbucks now makes cake pops for cats. wait i'm not getting paid for this?

happy weekend, my babies

* WingStop: we now have THIGHS, we can never have BREASTS. we can never be called BreastStop.

TOMORROW: going inside a KFC for the first time in two years. they still have the boneless nuggets, right? KFC really needs to start serving beer and have a bigscreen tv instead of a drivethru...

Wednesday, July 28, 2021


Billy Corgan: the new boxset i'm calling Video Games Are Right. coming out July 7 2027. cos 7 is a lucky number all around the globe, right?
LeVar Burton: i just got a call from Gavin, he says that for your triple album all the electricity that was used caused a permanent blackout in California.
Billy: those blackout commercials are way over the top anyway. i mean it's just a haircut. shave your head. need your grandmother's recipe? call Iha. i'm trying to bring the double album back, man! nobody does double albums anymore.
LeVar: because of you my daughter hates me.

LeVar Burton: oh no. you ain't playing me like that, Jeopardy is more important than the Olympics. no weird time changes and Peacock streaming confusion. i'm doing this for me not anyone else, not for ratings, not for money, not for a heavy world. i'm doing this for one reason and one reason alone: Reading Rainbow reboot. and my Presidential library. my dramatic cadence is better than Shatner's.
Geordi La Forge: every night i worship at the altar of Phoenix.

Martin Yan: this week we swing by the country i love the most, Hong Kong, the way it USED to be, when it was a hub for both Chinese and Americans, blending cultures, merging myths. i still get my seaweed sheets here. it's where i learned to speak English, the only way Canada would let me in. it's not that speaking English is cool it's that speaking Chinese English is cool. i may speak better English than Hugh Grant but i'm not as cool as him.

Cotard: what could have been. it's sad, this week's film highlights what Hong Kong could have been now if it had continued on its '90s path. admit it, you love Chinese food.
Codrus: it's tasty i ain't gonna front. this place is the new front in the war. i'm only interested in a drink.
Cotard: drink?
Codrus: and specific food. my workers refuse to work till they get them.
Cotard: you honor unions?
Codrus: unions, churches, same thing. i need to acquire these items in the dense sardine-packed buildings streets and alleyways of this neon wonderland. 
Philip K Dick: it's more of a Blade Runner utopia. Chinese anime.
Codrus: without the stuff, no continuation of the construction of the cement alleyway uh driveway. is this where parkour was dreamt of? this place needs a park.

Enigma: we're REALLY bad live.

Ruth Bernhard: here for the well-wishes once the Algorithm gets fixed. i did the first cozy nudes. there is no greater thrill a life can go through than to live to be 100 in San Francisco, dying a Titan.

Hidalgo: i'm Judge Judy in real life.

Cynthia Nixon: this mayor tiered-system is too confusing, just vote me in mayor and i promise all tv-show titles will have a Dot Dot Dot ellipsis so you can rename them. and i PROMISE to get Kim Cattrall back!

Dirg: wait the Army uses solar panels?
Laertus: yes. and their favorite game is basketball.

Madame Pons to Mardith: if you have to be a model consider Nintendo Direct.
Mardith: Nintendo's not in Tijuana, si? no Teibols over there?

Doryce: when i did the spaghetti tonight it smelled like a river.

Gladyce: dear you're putting your chocolate wrappers in the trash instead of in the recycling again.
Doryce: that wasn't me that was Dirg.

Crispin Glover: i'm sorry for everything i've ever done. notice the scene in River's Edge when i'm trapping Ione Skye's jeans-leg with the cage of my arm as the group hangs out at school? Layne really wanted Clarissa as HIS girlfriend, you missed that didn't you? didn't catch it.

Beth to Rio: i don't get it, if we fight off-set that only makes the onset sex more succulent.
Rio: no it brings in onset schizophrenia. i missed my chance at the Olympics once, never again, Red.

permanent FOMO: it's no vacation

Cannondale: why Rescue Rangers never invited Rudolph on set

Ed K: the name of the band is Live. not Lice. i know, it's been awhile.

Charise Isis: i encounter Wonder Woman everyday.

Tonga: we've run out of oil.

Big Time Rush: you didn't know we were Olympic athletes did ya?

Gladyce: oh i think back to the back of that English muffin. rough and seedy like his chin!
Doryce: an English studmuffin is hard to open.

Senku: so this is as close as you're gonna get to new One Piece episodes.
Super Mario: i never grew bigger, i was just tripping balls the whole time. that explains the live-action tv show.

Lord Third: think of me as Hokage Biden.

Tuca: i've been begging the producers to write me a storyline where i fuck Toucan Sam.

Tara Davis: i'm gonna be Gay Doctor Who's Companion. the bathroom doors around here are nice and bouncy.

Cerezo: next time, a Road House roundhouse.

In N Out Burger: at first glance it looks like we're Republican cos nobody's wearing a mask. but we're actually Democrat, look closely: no not our cute sailor hats, the red skirts both men and women wear, see that in the back? a GIANT safety pin.

Christine Brennan: i'm the sports world's agony aunt.

Billy Corgan: everytime i listen to another hidden-track Pumpkins song i forgot i wrote, it just brings me closer to death.

JaVale McGee's mom: just for that i'm living forever.

Darlene Love: i couldn't sleep with Elvis, i was saving myself for Mike Brady.

- we DJs have a different relationship to songs than you do.

My Hero Academia: not our fault, 731 is a Los Angeles phone number.

Madame Pons to Mardith: we are stand-up sisters.

Lolo Jones: i'm the Madonna of the Olympics.

Boc: when you hose down the hose you gotta do that last little section of hose right by the nozzle by hand.

Doryce: it's one thing that the entire Treehouse smells to high hell of fast food, but Mardith's entire CAR smells of fast food. from the outside!

Miller: our beer will mellow out all those going higher.........together. Miller Heavy, proud sponsor of the 2021 Tokyo Olympic Games.

Mardith: no i'm not getting The Settlement Cook Book
Dirg: even if it's on CD?
Mother Goose: there's some good cream-of-wheat etchings in there i borrowed for my First Edition.

Takahashi: is there anything sexier than a female skateboarder?

Takahashi: when is see that Ronald McDonald behind bars in jail, i know i'm at the Brooklyn McDonalds, i know i'm home.

Dirg: the vaccine will be the one time in my entire life i will be forced to do something i don't want to do.

Gladyce: why do you reach in and take a morsel from the potstew i'm cooking?
Doryce: cos that's what every sitcom does.
Takahashi: the original grab a bite.

Nancy Silverton: know why bread is gold-colored? gold-medal dust in the flour. should Mario Batali play Bernie Madoff in the movie? don't ask me that! my skin started peeling a month ago.

Piers Morgan: my mere presence in the stands caused England to miss those penalty kicks.

Tohar: i'm Goliath in real life.

Robin Williams: okay so here's the pitch for Howard The Duck 2: i play Howard. keep my voice but feel free to dub in another actor's body for the body with deepfake. and Howard kicks the crap out of a Walmart customer dressed in a Spider-Man suit in the UK in the end.
Lea Thompson:'s're always cool i'm glad you're here.........but i was thinking more like i play Howard's mom, a kind of Back To The Future come-full-circle thing.

Phoenix: i want to be Ben Affleck.........without the back tat.

Sasha Grey at the La Brea Tar Pits: i'm giving you guys a private tour! you're learning about bones from me!
Encino Man: not boner, got it.........i hate Pauly Shore.

Elah: where's the midnight yoga?
Gladyce: oh dear you just missed it. my Doryce caused the cops to be called in when she blocked the streets and made midnight loud noises that woke up the monks. sometimes i'd like to distance but we're related by stone.
Doryce: and bone. it's called movement medicine, not able to be approved by the CDC.

Elvis: when i sing about being shook, it's old-fogey.

Gladyce: i don't care if the Mocha Mix is past the sell-by date you NEVER give up on Mocha Mix.

Arielle Raycene spies a couple fucking under a Miami blanket during bingo in the toppest high-rise level of a building opposite across the main Hong Kong thoroughfare.
Ari: the floor is all beach sand. but none of it got inside her vagina, there's a lot of luscious licking going on down there. get it. get it.
Adam Peaty: i've finally seen a ray! Hong Kong is always overcast.
Ari: what you reckon, i could treat your cock a number of ways, i got four boulders and a pair of duck lips i could use. any one, any two, any four, all five, they all rub it pretty good.
Adam: duck, that's the one animal i don't have tatted to my arm.
Ari: love your tats.
Adam: i can transform into any animal when i hit the water.
Ari: very Edward Packard.
Adam: no politics. just a lion. a tiger. a shark. a turtle. a swan, white not black. a thoroughbred horse. and two rainbow mice. but the greatest animal i turn into is...
Ari: ...
Adam: ...peat moss. obviously. gentrifying coverage you can't escape even after 5 years. where to now?
Ari: the one irrigated park in Hong Kong...

Medvedev: the new Monopoly has me on the boxcover. me wearing a top hat and green teeth. Medvedev Monopoly.

Lior Allay: you'll find me in an alley. with a snake down my back. a snake tat. my perfume is the smells of the city. the danks of the district, the whiff of the hustle bustle.

Jordan: i played minor-league baseball to protect my mental health.

Kurt Cobain: i'm still alive to produce the world's lithium.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Seth Green: the Hong Kong graffiti'd Post No Bills tunnels in Chungking Express are perfect for rollerblading.

Eye Luggage: Chungking Express and go.
Roger Ebert: i know this goes against you teenyboppers and your code of ethics, but this is a film which really must be seen two or three times. watched the operative word. to really get it, to savor it in all its juices. you won't understand it the first time around like an action flick, it takes multiple viewings. think of Hong Kong as a giant video-game level, Pac-man in all the colors, red, blue, especially pink. but don't get those damn youtubers involved. and i'm not taking any more calls from that short man who tried to replace me on the Saturday show when i died. he loves longer Chinese films.

Cotard: the electricity of Hong Kong is inspiring. the human lights not just the neon lights. i'm thinking of the song again. i'm getting bars in my head from the heights. i'm getting verses from the vendors.
Codrus: okay but electronica is played out by now.

Dirg: that's either the name of a Chinese-food joint or a Chinese underground taekwondo league.
Laertus: why not both? and all of them. all cultures combined. it's the name of the takeaway joint where all the action takes place all the leads meet. and also the name of the biggest thoroughfare in the city.
Eye: also, take the stairs down for midnight yoga.

Wong Kar-wai: never wanted fast cars. why? i wanted to make films that would be hailed as masterpieces only after my death. you see what i was trying to do here? the space is so important. space is all. the closeness in proximity between the man and the woman and how that determines if their chance at love will work. the centimeter thing. one centimeter off or on here or there determines EVERYTHING.
Dirg: yeah but did you copy that Centimeter anime?
Wong: don't bring Human Centipede into this.

Brigitte Lin: quick. do i actually take my sunglasses off in the film? do you actually get a glimpse of my beautiful face? nobody remembers. they just remember how kickass a heroine i was, how i inspired Lola from Run Lola Run.
Jennifer Connelly: also the settings, this film's setting inspired that setting, dark electric alleyways made to run through if you have the electrolytes.
Brigitte: you just remember how i made this film the first and only and best live-action Cowboy Bebop.
Quentin Tarantino: can i say something...
Brigitte: no you short dirtbag.

Jon Voight: i'm only here wearing my cowboy hat for Bezos.
Dustin Hoffman: my cowboy hat is dusty...

Takeshi Kaneshiro: hi.

Faye Wong: Faye, Cowboy Bebop, see? i'm not related to the director. look into my eyes and try not to be crushed by the kawaii. i know my face is perfect, a perfect porcelain doll, but look at my butt instead. i have a nice butt, right? a nice big juicy butt that wiggles in the air like a caterpillar.
Annabeth Gish: i'm just looking at your punk hair. not your pubic hair.

Tony Leung: i'm handsome, too. i got a handsome lung. but i'm kind of an asshole in this. all the action movies have deadened me from the inside.

Laertus: the '90s, when it was still possible to portray police positively.

Philip K Dick: Cop 663? Cop 223? Blade Runner, see?

Valerie Chow: somehow i got lost in the shuffle. i'm hotter than the two other babes. but China thought i was a porn star and expelled me from the country, forever ban.

Chan Kam-Chuen: i stole the show. after this performance i demanded a movie trilogy, sitcom, and stock in Hong Kong's future. instead i got shafted by China and became a boring barrister. lawyers get lunch not ladies.
Director Wong: the snack manager is who i wish i could be in real life.
Eye Luggage: i would watch any game show Chan hosted.

Thom Baker: i was the guy all the audiences in the midnight theatres cheered when i got assassinated by Brigitte Lin. cos this was NOT gonna be another tired film about an American expat. this was a celebration of Asian cinema through and through. i was just a Johnny Cage wannabe who picked the wrong song on the jukebox cos he had a dime not a quarter. who handled the Asian whores like his property, only gods are allowed to manhandle with three hands. yeah i wish i had a blue time machine and could go back and live my life over knowing what i know now.

Leung Sun: not related to Tony. we don't all look alike, but everyone who works at a greasy spoon IS named May.

Brigitte: i'm the first blonde Asian since Naruto. see? i'm a nice hitwoman. who doesn't like to be hit on.
Takeshi: but see you are the lucky lady, you came into the bar at just the right moment. see i don't actually live my life, life is a game, life is a script, i'm trying to ram down me and you as pieces of a play. let's see how this ends. the ending, the ending is the only thing that matters. but i did say one cogent thing.
Brigitte: which was?
Takeshi: every woman needs a boyfriend. to look out for them. to care for them. whether they admit it or not.
Brigitte: how old are you?
Takeshi: i'm above 15 that's all that matters.
Brigitte: you're young enough to be my son. that's hot for the man not for the woman. for the woman it's a burden. having to wipe your nose on the street, the streets are everywhere. 

Brigitte Lin: i was never gonna hurt the girl i just needed the vending-machine key on her roller skate. to stock up the McDonalds Happy Meal toys again. oh come on!!! why does it always have to be DRUGS?!!! why can't it be seaweed salt ONCE?!!!

Qiwu: i have the coolest name. it sounds like a minimart. i wait for the expiration date to be as close as possible.
Apu: yeah that's really weird, man. that's only something a criminal psycho would do. what i'm saying is this is not cute.
Qiwu: what's worse, i eat pineapple till i throw up? or i talk to a dishrag?
Apu: you're still on the island, Qiwu! no matter how much you clean you'll never get out your Macbeth spot. like Kakashi. the weirdest thing about all of this is why Garfield never had a speaking part on The Simpsons. 

Takeshi: Bottoms Up Club?
Brigitte: not a gay club. wish it were, i needed to have some fun after my murder. 
Dirg: you were quite the gentleman with this woman passed out on your hotel-room bed.
Takeshi: there was a really good episode of Three Stooges on that distracted me.

snack manager: girls don't like to wait. makes them nervous. girls aren't snacks. 
Takeshi: that's the eternal question tho: 

how long do you wait?

all my exes are married and busy at the movie theater. watching this film. i eat many chef salads cos i got kicked out of Totsuki Academy. then i skateboard all over town. i wish i had a skateboard for these escalators. i jog so i don't cry, my saltwater comes out when my skin cries. problem is, now all the rain here is acid from all the crying. i blame China clouds.

Takeshi: if only my life ended right here. like a script.
Eye Luggage: this made me cry. a moment is a thousand years...

Dirg: yeah so second story, this is breaking and entering.
Director Wong: i wanted to do a third story but it would have been too long. and not reviewed by Ebert. it was already epic.
Ebert: i got an overlong dong.

Dirg: oh come on!!! JUST FUCK ALREADY!!! what's with all this running around?

Tony: if i hadn't listened to you i would have given her the chili fries as always and she wouldn't have broken up with me! thanks for nothing, scumbag!
snack manager: i'm just here for the comic relief.
Dirg: that's every boy's dream: you run a toy car on a piece of wood and then when you grow up you run a toy airplane on a naked woman's back.

Director Wong: did you catch that detail? he said that song was his favorite but it was only after SHE planted HER CD in his apartment. but it was HIS favorite song since he was a boy. and notice how Faye isn't an airplane stewardess UNTIL she finds out that his ex-girlfriend was a stewardess?

Eye: so she hides in plain sight and pretends she's his wife even though they never talk. she cleans the house and floods the plumbing like any good Talking Heads fan. she cooks chocolate things for him. she sleeps in his bed alone. she's his wife but they're never in the same room together, that sounds like a good marriage!

Dirg: i hate loud music.
Laertus: no you hate California.
Dirg: that song is supposed to be played in the background when you're stoned not when it's loud.

Dolores O'Riordan: why did we agree to this? the song isn't sung by me it's sung by Faye Valentine. i laugh whenever i see tubs being scrubbed in movies.

Faye: here, i scribbled the boarding pass on this napkin making it invaluable.
Tony: cos i'm going where you're going, sweetheart?
Faye: no cos one day it will be the Starbucks napkin that produces Harry Potter.

Director Wong: stuff doesn't replace intimacy. 
Doryce: tho a good can-opener can do a number on my pussy.
cat familiars: not us.
Director Wong: we are either all strangers or all lovers. fake it till you make it, till you get that special affect in your mind. if you want love, space must be dangerous. i wish i had connected the characters more: had the cops be brothers, and the two women be sisters. g'night, folks.

Janet Maslin: what was i thinking? an overdeveloped sense of fun IS WHERE FILM LIVES!!!!!

Eye Luggage: so do still have your birthday message saved?
Takeshi: no i lost my pager in the rain, the script had to continue being written. i cook and clean but i'm still not married. not even my mom knows i keep a LOW profile. i have a cat named Garfield. sometimes i think only Garfield can love me...

Takahashi: it's McDonalds, right? that was the food you were looking for. i'm an expert in both fields this week.
Codrus: i don't get it. shouldn't only McDonalds fries be yellow cos of the yellow arches?
Takahashi: you're an idiot god. and the drink, i'm thinking it's Coca-Cola.
Codrus: why are Coke cans red? shouldn't they be brown? Coke isn't red, not even Cherry Coke...

Monday, July 26, 2021


1. tell us about something you absolutely will not share:

my Subway sub, especially now that Seth Curry tells me about their new Seasoning and Vinaigrette Butter. that's what i'm getting TOMORROW. it's the only way to unite the commercials back again into one commercial with eleven celebrities. if i share it it's shared.

2. what is something you do not like to share but will begrudgingly do so? my love for Animorphs, i like to keep that on the down low.

but i cannot contain my excitement any longer. no more bottles. i cannot wait to watch "Changes, Part 2" tonight. i haven't been this hype looking forward to a tv show since that episode of Dallas. it's the school-dance episode, too, the series finale, can you believe this amazing show lasted for just one season, one year, 1999? seems like it went on forever. gonna save Part 3 for tomorrow as an after-writing treat. this three-episode arc was like Nickelodeon's version of Melrose Place.

3. what tradition makes you feel at home?

Christmas in July

4. what act/words/place makes you feel sexy? the Olympics

did you see that mixed-doubles table tennis final? that was more tense than Wimbledon! Japan FINALLY ends China's generations-long dominance in the sport. on their home soil! can you IMAGINE what the atmosphere inside that stadium would have been like if there were, you know, fans?

and then you have the boutique sports, stuff you're never gonna see anywhere else again for another four years: mountain biking, whitewater rafting, surfing...

be honest with me now: did you watch the World Championships in Mountain Biking last year? what channel were they on?

5. rank the following in order of compatibility you think you have with your significant other:

1 most, 5 least

emotionally: i'm good with my emotions, i intuit them for my writing. but i'm not as good as Ax from Animorphs.

intellectually: people told me i was smart. but then i went to college. it wasn't the classes, it was the anime that did me in.

spiritually: i was heavily Roman Catholic till i went to Berkeley. i became an atheist the moment that first drop of Frappuccino hit my tongue.

financially: i've been poor all my life. by choice, i'm a writer. if i pay for all the damage on my roof i will have a roof but no house under.

sexually: i was THIS close to having an angel's threesome at Berkeley but God said i couldn't cos i was an atheist now.

BONUS: if you had a 25-hour day what would you do with that extra hour?

i need to move to Iceland!!! 4-Day Work Week!!! among other benefits. like those mountain mud baths and suddenly after 100 years they're good at soccer.


Friday, July 23, 2021




* had a scrambled egg for the first time in four years to mark the Olympics. i usually have fried. i cracked the egg just as the Cauldron opened. can an omelette have one egg?

* Lady Gaga: i did the egg thing first.
Bjork: no I did the egg thing first.

* Naomi Osaka: i was happy to be the final torchbearer, didn't you see it on my face? a lot of pressure being the international trailblazer of mental health, that's the only fire i care about.

* Fox News: Naomi are you just not tough enough? suck it up and dribble.
Naomi: stop calling me Nam, Kelly Ripa.
Fox News: my name's Megyn.
Naomi: weird y. okay YOU try to have sex on a piece of wood and not get depressed.

* Steve Blum: i not only singlehandedly saved American anime i also saved Taco Bell! just need to do a spot where i win a million-loonie court case after Tim Horton's hot coffee spills on TOM's robot lap and i'm Space King of North America!

* Phoenix: since when is going back to school fun?!!!
boy: holy shit! look at that hot girl's technique! on the skateboard!
Phoenix: this isn't an ad for back-to-school, it's training the next generation for the one everyone wants, the coveted Olympic Skateboard Gold Medal.

* The Noid: okay pick the President in under 2 minutes...
minivan mom: i need a big hulking man who can navigate me through a storm of wild animals. a Jungle Cruise ship captain would make a nice President.
The Noid: you like soccer?
minivan mom: only World Cup and Euros, fuck the Olympics.
Noid: your Dominos pizza is free.
mom: i thought this was Chicken King!

* Free Guy: EVERY movie has the thing where you go into your closet and all 10 shirts are blue and all 10 slacks are brown

* Seth Curry: but all these new Subway subs are old...
counter girl: no we got two new spices.
Seth Curry: hey aren't you the girl from that Transformers cartoon? 
Seth: okay so these are new sandwiches cos my wife Ayesha made them. don't imply anything from that, our marriage is rock-solid.
girl: we got the new Seasoning.
Seth: yeah but you gotta ask for it it doesn't come standard.
girl: and the new vinaigrette.
Seth: for the first time ever: vinegar salt!

* Lily: no matter what you say, the sign will twirl infinity and you will save.
customer: how much for that counter you always stand behind?
Lily: not for sale forever.

* Dr Rick: tickets everybody.
therapy group: but these are vaccinated Eric Clapton tickets!!!
group: you can see Russia from my house...literally from this plane.
Dr Rick: why'd you bring your Chipotle burrito in foil in a plastic bag? they're gonna think it's a bomb. besides, you don't have a microwave.
therapy womanchild: my iWatch is a microwave.
therapy beard: ballpark timeframe?
airport employee: baseball's dead.
therapy womanchild: *singsong voice* someone should have left earlier...
Dr Rick: you're lucky that didn't cause a cockpit fight. luckily the man you razzed was late for an impromptu last-second wedding proposal.  

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: In N Out Burger. again. i'm wearing a plain white T-shirt that's 2 sizes too small for me, that's the perfect shirt to wear to In N Out where every night is '50s night. there's gonna be combs in butt-pockets instead of phones.

Wednesday, July 21, 2021


Grace Foltz at Disneyland: my boyfriend's a putz, will you go out with me?
Gaston: i only go out with the fairest maidens in the land.
Grace: bro this is real life now. i bet you wished you went back in time to that one chapter and reworked it, that was your weakest story.

Eye Luggage: Legends of the Hidden Temple!!! FINALLY it's coming back! my mom told me all about this! i've been waiting 30 years for this they finally did the right thing! what the people want!
Mardith: yeah that excuse Nickelodeon gave for doing that lame movie instead was bogus. i always thought the purple monkeys were the cutest. sorry, Dirg, you can't compete.
Olmec: the last time i watched the CW for real was Everwood.

Pokimane: too late. Free Guy proves it. youtubers are the new celebrities. we didn't earn it but we don't care. the world groans and i get paid. do you even know what my real voice sounds like? i'm giving half my earnings to Etika, this girl honors her contracts.

Madame Pons to Mardith: girl you don't have to video EVERYTHING...

Codrus: i've decided that the winner of the war will be the one who wins the race.
Cotard: if it's a footrace then at least it'll be realistic. playing with people's lives is like opening a can of PikNik toothpick-fries, scooping up a handful, and shoveling them down your throat and THEN you read the warning message on the lid that says this product causes cancer and birth defects.
Codrus: nope. rollerblades, i've introduced rollerblades into the populace...
Cotard: oh come on this is getting ridiculous. warning label, brother, there will be one amongst the peloton of rollerbladers who will sneak up on you unnoticed and vanquish you.
Codrus: like that frivolous song you're working on? a savior? let the race begin.
Cotard: my song has changed a few bars and exchanged a few hands but it's coming. different notes but it's coming. i'm experimenting. different genres different generations.

Little Caesars: that's crushed red pepper. not cursed red pepper.
Codrus: can i borrow a couple battle sandals?

at the Weather Channel:
Stephanie Abrams: Mike Bettis has a great composting video.........not that i'm thinking about Mike Bettis or anything. it's hard to navigate for babes like me who found love late in life, we're always a little off-kilter. 
Green Notebook: we have great respect for Stephanie Abrams. she is BRUTALLY honest with her feelings, she expresses her pain and longing and confusion forthrightly, other babes could learn to be loose and free like she. we're happy she finally found someone and will be the Queen of Boston at all frozen-sidewalk Dunkin Donutses with Garciaparra on her arm.

Haunani-Kay Trask: i was given the task. i join in the sea with Seau to become a senior spirit.

Alice In Chains: we got it from the Tears For Fears song "Woman In Chains".

Mr. McFeely: sort me out.

Labhrain: she experimented with the rain. LeBron played the violin underwater.

Tom Green: no i'm not gonna comment on Drew Barrymore's ratings being higher than Johnny Carson's. i don't want to add to the noise of 8 billion types of type.

St. Cyril's: my parking lot is waiting for the River's Edge's not like i'll be a bad influence, there's no grade school here anymore, only a church.

The Shag Store: where Palm Springs was filmed. we can do the Airborne reboot here at our parking lot. except the parking lot is carpet.

Warren Beatty at the Oscars: and the Oscar goes to.........Carly Simon. THERE! can we all just move on now?

Codrus: Jay Shetty was kicked out of the monastery for shedding. and getting neck tattoos.
Maharishi: before i did. before my neck tats. young people today have no respect for their elders. you know i will definitely become a ghost, right?
Jay Shetty: they said my eyes were too gorgeous for monk life. so i became the Crown Royal spokesman.

Bertie: Tuca! we can't lose the show again! if it means killing the kid show then do it!

Sasha Grey: i don't care what any putz on the internet says! my brother Owen Gray is NOT the new member of Blink 182. i will pay for Mark Hoppus's cancer treatments. it's no picnic. i won't pray but i'll pay. until he gets well. full recovery, my hope guy.

Dev Patel: when i said i was waiting for the Slumdog Millionaire reboot i didn't mean Family Karma! okay now i'm just waiting for us to do another season of Skins despite the wrapup movies...

Mardith: Cecily Strong's back tattoo is cute.
Takahashi: a Chinese character to honor the other Owen. 
Mardith: i know girls who are hardcore, they have the Chinese character tat on the back of their neck to indicate they want the cum down the back of their throat.
Takahashi: the Japanese-character, too. it indicates the same.

Kelly Ripa: and now with the weather, Johnson & Johnson.
Jonathan Bass: not cool, my name's Jonathan.

Gladyce: you just had to have the chili didn't you dear.
Doryce: i tried to open the can of chili and it popped! my wedding dress is ruined!

Stephen A Smith: i'm there! did you see me? i'm there dancing in the back in La La Land!

Codrus: got any tickets?
Roger Federer: here.
Codrus: it's men's doubles so no.

RBG: when i died everyone was sad. it was like when Minato and Kushina died. everyone was scared and searching and uncertain for the future. there is no greater love than someone who has laid down his life to save his friends. and remember, Danzo only LOOKS like Spock.

Doryce: i have yet to be as charitable. i have laid a lot tho. i want an American Express cinnamon card!

Takahashi: Food Wars with the tribute to Marv Albert's last show, nice!

Motoko: there is NO voter fraud, move on.

Takahashi: the only thing i'll eat out of is a woven-wheat food container-box.

Laertus: honeystring you know what to get me for Christmas. a Before Sunrise cap.
Eye Luggage: red or blue?
Laertus: not red!

Senku: your eleven!
Tsukasa: i don't know what that means! is the clock forwards or backwards on my big body?
Encino Man: ...
Tsukasa: it's a very confusing way to direction. 11:00 is lunch time, point to my stomach. just say BEHIND YOU! next time.

Spike Lee: my NBA Finals Game 7 intro will win the Oscar...

Dirg: but does anyone actually give a fuck whether i'm alive or dead tho?...

Rin stuck in a tree: however old you think i am, i am 500 years old...

Fareed Zakaria: my friend is Sammy Sosa and i proudly say this on international tv.

Doryce: i didn't swipe right! there was an eyelash there!

Boc: *head in hands* i'm on the edge all the time. it's not as easy as it looks, you panic out there in the field when the nozzle's at full steam. do you turn it right left or left right do it quickly, man, the water's running!!!

Oosthuizen: you are third to none, media. i listened to "Louis Louis" the night before in my flat. big mistake. i missed the cut to ride with Jeff Bezos. but a 100 Year Flood in Europe blocked my fly.
Oral-B toothbrush: here, Louis, take me. have me at your boudoir!

Tyrone Smith: y'all know why i'm smiling.

Dirg: lovin' the new Geico commercial. let's get McKayla Maroney activated again!!!

FIFA: Merry Christmas! you got a World Cup! do you forgive us now?
Rod Serling: it's gonna be weird watching the World Cup during Thanksgiving. strange, eerie, surreal. more uncomfortable than a Twilight Zone Thanksgiving marathon.

Dalai Lama: it's a Hot Buddha Summer in July.

Linda Fiorentino: i was born to play L in Men In Black.

Coach K's daughter: can i have one?
Charles Barkley: only if it's cider.

Rich Paul: i'm not rich. that's a whole lotta hot wind.
Adele: my love don't cost a thing.
Rich: we won't be rolling in the deep.
Adele: deep there meant my former body. i can't play for the Lakers this season, SNL needs me, they're turning back into The Carol Burnett Show.

Lane Kiffin: if only i had cheerled harder to keep that USC job...

The Lego Group: ladies and gentlemen and people with problems, our newest spokesperson, Ms. Britney Spears...
Playmobil: damn, we wanted her.
LEGO: it's not Christian Eriksen but it's something.
Popeye: i want to move to Billund.
Britney: i have more money than Taylor Swift...

Billy Corgan: okay. i've learned my lesson. i don't have a BlackBerry anymore. Pajo, i'm an asshole to the root but i didn't drive you to anything, i can't drive, i never got my license. all the unreleased Zwan songs will be packaged in a black-and-white Twilight Zone box i have dubbed The Airplane Crashed.
Natalie Portman: you are the real Black Zwan.

Gladyce: it's not shook till you shake it from the bottom.
Doryce: butts?
Gladyce: Wishbone Italian salad dressing in the church stained-glass bottle.

Laertus: "Escape" by Rupert Holmes, Republican song.
Eye Luggage: i know, i mean how can any man hate yoga?

Dirg: you just outed yourself!:

doing nothing on a Sunday

yep, atheist caption.

Rebel Wilson: it's L.A., you can actually go to a cheese shop.

crones: the premise of Nic Cage's new film Pig (2021) sounds remarkably similar to our life...

Robin Wilson: i wasn't a member of the Beach Boys, that's why i drink. i sound like them tho. Blood Sugar Sex Magik did not come out in 1989. the only sugar i shoot up is turbinado. turbo for my real-life Rocket Power brothers.

Atalan: that's crazy the whole-moon Instagram emoji, you split it in two and it's the crescent-moons emojis. the crescent's side-nose is formed from the whole's center-nose.

Maria: we weren't doing Sound of Music, we were doing Black Narcissus.
Cotard: i borrowed Maria's nun-wings headphones.

Dirg: it's tacky to put the towers as your 1 and 1 of the 9/11 merchandise you're selling.

bistro lights: otherwise known as Friends lights

Dirg: i'm a simp for Nasim Pedrad. but it's not my fault, it's in the name:


Doryce: Steak-umms NEED to be microwaveable.

Alfred E Neuman: so you think if i put on glasses i'm suddenly an expert in tiny diseases? it would be an HONOR if Pete Buttigieg played me in the movie. we gotta stop with the we we we stuff, WE don't work, I was meant to be alone before that was a thing. beware the false prophets, those skinny teenage boys just trying to be Link.

James Gandolfini: HEY! those weren't my oysters, i love the Olympics.

Cotard: there needs to be a pinkie-swear emoji on this Instagram thingy.
Codrus: otherwise known as the priest/altar-boy salute.

Dirg: Masculine Football on Univision.........real soccer.

Boc: i'm becoming a soccerhead. it's grassy like tennis. how do you prepare food so it's microwaveable? is that what my life is worth? $109,000?

Robin Roberts: only i could pull off being Electric Company '70s-funky on Jeopardy.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Aeon Flux: it's real important sci-fi has a concept, this is real. you know the studio has given up on a movie when they make it a point to add a Wilhelm scream.

Eye Luggage: Airborne and go.
airborn: i'm not a word.
Airborne: i'm really a dietary supplement, i was never meant to go up your nose.

Laertus: i was all ready set to use my Gleaming The Cube reference but then i realized this movie has nothing in common with that film.
Eye: this was meant to be the definitive film on this new exciting technology called rollerblades. rollerblades were the wave of the future! the new way to travel! the next step to space tourism!
Dirg: but rollerblades basically became just another toy. like a Skip-It from Mattel. 
Madame Pons: i remember rollerblades. they were big for one year. people forget this is really a hockey movie.

Shane McDermott: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ME?!!! i had EVERYTHING i had it ALL!!! we joke about the next Brad Pitt but that was FUCKING ME!!! did you see my performance in this? it's beautiful acting. it's seamless acting. i'm a natural! why didn't i become a star? is this Keanu's fault?
Shane's board: you said you just wanted to surf...
Deep Space Nine: if you're Scottish you have to be a transporter engineer.
Shane: i can't surf! surfing's dangerous! look what happened to Seau!

Seth Green: i've never looked better. i wasn't a dork in this movie i am a dork now. i had long hot red hair back then. don't you remember? we DID do an Airborne spoof segment on Robot Chicken. that was Shane McDermott's first work since 1993. 
Shane: voice work doesn't count.

Brittney Powell: i don't care what you say. i don't care if you thought this move was shit, i was your first girl! i was your first masturbation! i see you with your hand down your frilly stonewashed jeans. if you look closely, if you study my performance carefully at university you will see that i'm a pretty damn good actor. i'm natural, too! seamless. and i don't even come from this country!

Kenyatta: people actually LOVE this movie, more do than don't tho they won't admit it on mailer surveys when it's time to vote for Jungle Cruise Captain. so as a service to our vast array of Wikipedia users i have personally decided to write the summary for this film, make it you know like you would write the writeup for Casablanca, they're all the same love story in the end.

Chris Conrad: hot bully, the most dangerous combination. muscles dimples and doom. and i'm a purple belt. and i love Prince. and i'm the reason Mortal Kombat costs a dime not a quarter. you cannot vanquish me.

Edie McClurg: everyone thinks i was the maid on Diff'rent Strokes. btw still the most unique television-show title EVER. i have no comment on my sons' teachers...

Patrick O'Brien: you know me from that commercial. Jiffy Pop or something. remember how fun those UFO silver-saucer popcorn trays were? that's what the Army was trying to hide from us this whole time, popcorn is a bioweapon cos it's a choking hazard. why didn't I play Shane's teacher? he'd be famous now.

Jack Black: ridiculous long name. i sucked at being a bully. cos you know from the future that i'll be funny, i shoulda been Marty McFly. because of all this when i'm mean i'm EXTRA MEAN cos i'm trying too hard.

Alanna Ubach: i was called Back in high school. i have to make out with SETH GREEN? come on!

Jessica Boevers: coulda been worse. you've never been called Beaver. see you at UCLA drama camp.

Banducci Brothers: we were 2/5 of Stone Temple Pilots. we were the Sopranos teens. we laugh like Tom from Tom and Jerry. bullying is not funny. we had a McLovin called Supermac WAY before. we bow down to Mac And Me, that E.T. let us eat it for food on set.

Dirg: the film is about air but we start with water, the waves. a perfect liberal paradise. 

Shane: Eastcoast girls...
unnamed friend: don't finish that lyric. your wish might come true.
Shane: i wish they all could be California girls. or German girls. wanna go rollerblading?
unnamed friend: what the fuck is rollerblading?

Shane: dad, mom, why do i have to move to Cincinnati, that place is worse than hell.
parents: but it's cold. 
Shane: what are you researching?
parents: bats in China...

aunt: we're from Cincinnati but we're really from Fargo.
uncle: i call you Mother and you call me Father, that is so sick *puts up thumbs-up haka*

Seth Green: hey man, you like Eraserhead?
Shane: is that code for drugs in The Nati?
Seth: no, for school and stuff. i'm a good student. we have raves here but they're all underground. as in frozen.
Shane: silent disco, nice.

Laertus: these bullies are very specific. they make fun of Mitch's attitude, they can't touch him cos he's California cool. it's a very nuanced thing, they can't make fun of this physical appearance.
Dirg: cos the girls are cumming themselves in the classroom picturing him naked and muscular. oiled in sex wax. what's with those ENORMOUS classrooms? like cavernous warehouses full of wind. i blame Gavin Newsom.

Jack Black: i like Nintendo. and, uh, burritos, i said burritos first.
Seth: for some reason i love hockey. even though i'm the size of an ant. video games? there's no future for me in video games...

Seth Green: i made film history here. i was the first man to do a fashion montage.

Brittney: you like to fly?
Shane: drugs?
Brittney: no, Goose, i thought...Top Gun.
Shane: yeah i don't look like a Mitch.
Brittney: what happened?
Shane: i killed a man with my surfboard. that's when i decided to just go with the flow on the waves.

Dirg: okay, date time, and it takes place in Liz Phair's video for "Never Said".
Eye: welcome, Liz.
Liz Phair: i know i know, it looks like an indoor-arboretum inner-jungle.
Dirg: like Malaysia. 
Liz: that cool hotel.
Dirg: what happened to you, Liz Phair. you used to be the cool indie queen. but as you got older you got more power-poppier and bland. 
Liz: greenhouse gases.
Shane: to me this hydroponic-lab botanical-garden looks like an upside-down vagina.

Eye: okay date time. and i SEE YOU, GIRL! i see what you did there, that was hot!
Dirg: what?
Brittney: see how i went for Shane's mouth voraciously, went in for the kiss, didn't wait for the man to make the first move, i saw what i wanted and i TOOK IT! surprised Shane with my snatch, with the ferocity of my lips on his, biting his teeth off.
Shane: didn't need braces after that.

Brittney: the bully is my brother? well that's convenient.
Dirg: the other bully looks like if Avicii was bad, Shadow Avicii.

Seth: they put shaving cream down my shorts, i thanked them, that was my first shave, a close shave.

Pepe the Shark: WHAT TEH FUCK WERE THE PRODUCERS THINKING?!!! they had the PERFECT opportunity to call in Disney to animate my segment! it would have been psychedelically legendary. like Beatles Submarine stuff! we could have stopped the alt-right. we could have sued Katy Perry.

Alanna Ubach: got any toys we can use in the bedroom?
Seth: just my ThunderCats collection.
Alanna: sigh. gimme the Orko...

Seth: why didn't you stand up for us?
Shane: i hope Cincinnati burns to the ground.
Seth: Gandhi is dead!

Shane: you knew i would pants that guy. my last name is Goosen, i goosed him.

Shane: okay we gotta win, the big bad boss battle is Gangrene Gulch, is everybody in?
former bullies: yeah let's punish those preps!
Screech: only if you save me in the process.
Cotard: i'm in!
Codrus: same. my plan's going to plan.
Brittney: did you see my weird face just then? i bit my lip HARD. that was my first orgasm, which was my first orgasm on screen. they're real! told you i could act.

Codrus: okay so for the back half of this movie for the next hour you see a long stretch of panoramic views of grey. steps and grills and fences. Cincinnati was built on an ancient Indian parking lot. what they don't know is i'm using this cheap labor to build my driveway. all the roads will become my driveway. each time a rollerblader carves the cement...
Cotard: you WANT the driveway to have cracks in it?

Cotard: for this particular part of the race i'm sensing...i'm getting a vibe for what music i want to compose...yea, like a...Blink 182 ska-rock...


Adam Levine: there are no more bands. there are no more stadiums.


suddenly The Most Interesting Man In The World on his rollerblades whizzes past the other Olympic athletes and wins the race, biting the tape off as he breaks it.

The Most Interesting Man In The World: *arms raised* suck it, suckers.

Codrus: wait, where is my brother? where is Cotard? all i see are 50 brown-skinned menial-labor-workers in the crowd...

Dirg: Boo did the key make-up for this movie, a person named Boo.

Maharishi swift-kicks Codrus and Cotard in the face.
Maharishi: you two call yourselves monks?! 

Brittney Powell: i got power from this movie no one else did, i live in your memory forever. i was your first. see that? the movie ends with a kiss. that's how ALL movies should end, freezeframe on the kiss and run the credits over that image. g'night, folks.