Friday, May 31, 2019



* they turn to watch her spin, the entire room, and she's not even a ballerina...

* the ONE thing any woman can do to seduce anyone is to fence. a woman who fences beats back all the centuries of phallic symbols in Civilization with one thrust of her spear.

* as you know, i abhor violence in film, but what i most appreciate Natural Born Killers for is the aesthetic it promotes, this thing is pure pulp through and through, and it maintains a sense of wanderlust that i think all humans strive for. you know the one, where you're a couple of outsider outlaws with no city to belong to, aimlessly driving your life away with the top permanently up on lonely desert highways, never anywhere to be and always causing trouble cos you're eternally bored. your very identity is the Road.

* where the hotel beds always have brown-cinnamon heavy linen, and you watch wildlife videos on your cross window pane, not on a screen. hey have you noticed that we wouldn't be the same people if we didn't have the remote control? the remote control is the singular item in history which has shaped culture more than any other. even Nutella.

* Scarface: it's a snake, like all women, i mean penguin, pelican.
Lana: you've just met the wrong women, you got hurt by one and never got over it.
Scarface: what's your real name, Lana Del Rey?
Lana: does it matter? I'll never be as famous as the Archer one. they said you doing Scarface was a blow to your career.
Scarface: it was blow alright.

* Jared Leto: whatcha reading, ma'am? and can i borrow a roller for my beard?
lady: can you believe Elvis is really dead? like ALL those sightings were bogus! and why do you look like if Salvador Dali were hot? i'm using this rag here to dry my hair.
Jared: oh, the National Enquirer, that's still a thing? oh i get it, Elvis married Bigfoot and assumed a low profile in the Florida Everglades after that.
lady: no that's the Trump wedding. can you believe he won again?

* Jared: that's not an ankle tat, that's my zigzag sock.

* where the best arguments happen at a too-brightly-lit gas station by the side of the highway at 3AM

* ostrich: i'm the baddest motherfucking bird there is! i was the ONLY one who said FUCK YOU NATURE I'M NOT FLYING!!!

* no ostriches were harmed in the making of this picture...but i'm sure the crew rode them.

* ostrich: these aisles remind me of the desert sand-dune races back home in Saudi Disneyland, only difference is THESE rows are filled with water bottles...

* Lana: i only wear this spiffy retro-olive '50s green jumpsuit when i go someplace special. the only place special any human goes anymore is the grocery store! it's so fun!

* Lana: got any Kraft Dinner? go Raptors!!!

* Jared: i'm standing as hard as i can as a counterweight on the other side of your basket, Lana, but it's not tipping over, this makes me sad.
Lana: music thing didn't work out?
Jared: i'm trying to get back in sad mode to compose more music. and new lyrics, it's a valing balance measure kinda thing, my next album will be about voting.

* Lana: a little dab'll do you. why at these specific points in the body? the wrist delicately and the back of the earlobe, two subtle dots?
Jared: that's where your chakras are, thanks Naruto. as for me, i just splash a whole grid-glass bottle of Gucci Extremely Guilty all over my face Joker-style.

* Jared: a flower is especially red at a cemetery.
Lana: where the only thing we eat as a couple on the run is fast food. oh who are we kidding? we don't have time to stop at a grocery store to eat, get thee to a diner!
Courtney Love: coffee?
Mueller: leave the pot.
Courtney: Mueller?!!
Mueller: i'm Robert De Niro.

* Courtney: i invented the whole Alice waitress pink-poodle outfit, pink is my color. see this isn't a waitress outfit, it's just grunge.

* i swear to goddess, when i first saw this commercial, i was thinking to myself: that waitress sure looks an awful lot like Courtney Love. Courtney Love looks GOOD, she gets better and better, she's aging like a fine wine, she's growing into her starlet face, the starlet who refuses to fade, the brassy Lauren Bacall-type. Courtney's more the White Dwarf Starlet.

* where the laundromats are the only neon for miles. there's something about laundromats, right? cos they've all but faded from our collective street consciousness. they're eerie and entrancing. this is the place you go to have that impromptu life-changing conversation with that stranger you'll never forget---or meet again---the one you had whilst flipping a quarter. where you meet your soul mate searching for her lost sock behind the fern. you met her butt first before you met her face. these are places to meet up at night where mystery, not just the laundry, unfolds…

* Lana: dahlin do i look sundrenched by this lake here?
Jared: splendid, my dear. this picnic is to die for! but you know we're really supposed to be at a lecture now at that grey-stone lecture hall in the background, i mean we ARE students enrolled at this university!
Lana: i love how there's no dress code but we're dressed in matching corduroy suits anyway.
Jared: are those your red panties or a flower you threw at my head?
Lana: in the end it's all the same thing. that BETTER be a Polaroid camera!

* Lana: smoky eyelashes, like a tiger.
tiger prowls the laundromat.
tiger: i have laundry business needs to conduct here, too, ya know. my leopard-print panties.

* Jared: but i HAVE to jump on the bed, it's European and artistic.
worldly European director: springs broke, you're too heavy for a man. next time, get a Serta.

* god i loved those days in the '80s when the sun would wheeze out its last dying breath of light for the day, the yellow fades and the blue just peaks interest, everyone pushing their carts along down the impossibly-angled windy hilly sidewalk somehow not spilling all ther groceries all at once. you never knew if any of these people ever returned the shopping cart to the store after they got home...

* Lana: are you playing video games?
Jared: uh, no, it's wine.
Lana: i know a joystick when i feel one. that corsage you're wearing better not be that owl we saw at the cemetery earlier, that's a bad omen. why do yo wear a smoking jacket to bed?
Jared: those are MY CHIPS!
Lana: i'm kicking you out of bed for eating crackers.

* where the only food we eat is diner food and the only drink we drink is diner coffee...
Courtney Love: coffee?
renegade couple: no thanks, we've had five clinking cups already.
Courtney: as you can probably surmise, there is no bathroom here.
Jared: let me pay for the coffee, Lana, i need this.
Courtney: want some oat-milk coffee?
Lana: is that a euphemism for a cum snowball or something?
Courtney: you're right, all coffee tastes the same. all coffee tastes like coffee.

* Jared: is it wrong to eat a loaf of bread while still in the supermarket?
Lana: not if you pay for it.
Jared: whoops. my mother always said i was an unseemly child. what's that plastic jug you're chugging?
Lana: i'm finally drinking the Kool Aid.

* Jared: take off your shoes.
Lana: kinky. this is my kind of dancing, not knowing when it will end, i have callouses on my feet now.
Jared: i don't want the laundromat floor to get dirty. that stone statue at the cemetery? that's me in a life yet to come, trippy, huh?

* this is LIFE. not the supermarket cereal. this is LIVING. this is the WIND. on your back and on your front. and on your fuzzy lapel. this is the true American Frontier: Hollywood.


happy weekend, my babies.
TOMORROW: the Taco Bell nacho boxes. BOTH boxes, the beef and the shredded-chicken-variety one, BOTH delivered to my house by GrubHub...that's my dream anyway, it's probably too expensive in real sauce, not the fire sauce, the hot sauce...okay maybe one fire sauce...

Friday, May 24, 2019



* o to be that piano bench...

* we've all agreed the name sounds more filmic as Gal GaDOUGH, right? if it's more French New Wave, it's more filmic.

* bamboo: now i'm thinking about that scene near the start of Roma where the housekeeper's boyfriend starts doing his Bruce Lee impersonation for her stark full-frontal naked flips and twirls and chops and flops all after removing by force the motel shower bar! i love Cuaron and all the New Wave, i'm all for equality, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, if it's accepted that all babe movie actresses will be nude onscreen showing everything, have the MEN show everything, too, right? have that beautiful penis flopping around with each martial art right in the audience's face!

* this is what Bob Dylan would have sounded like if he hadn't had that cold...

* just think, no Nobel Prize...

* this is a mathematical commercial, and a commercial about time travel, and alternate dimensions: like imagine a shape cookie-cuttered out of your section of reality that is exisiting in the same spacetime as you right now but in an alternate dimension. have you ever imagined what's going on in your frame of reference but in another dimension RIGHT NOW? like instead of the live Norman Lear Broadway shows there would be the 100th season of the ACTUAL Jeffersons going on right now over there...

* neon signs: they don't have to spell out that they're OPEN, the lights are already bright electric red. in fact all you have to do is have a pole of that glowing red electric light and that's enough to indicate openness. I CHING at the therapist's office...or barber pole...

* see, the business people in smart suits in the rain on the right of the business meeting held at the son's cool high-rise silver futuristic bachelor pad with the Tron blinds drawn will not get served the first martini, the people on the beach on the left WILL think they've been served the first martini cos they'll wake up at night with a mouthful of beach-sand and unemployed.

* was that heart-shaped red bikini bottom shot a little too extra and up-close-and-personal from the audience's point-of-view?...i mean not as much as Gal Gadot's bare bottom on that piano bench but...

* you want to get laid? come on a horse to prom...that came out wrong...

* what's the theme for this year's prom?: Endgame...… in Endgame for all of us humans, 2030...

* this is a before and after shot that is not porn- or filter-related. but it is cool to see the chauffeur bellhopboy man usher the lady in red out of her Crookedest Street in San Francisco while she's simultaneously making out hotly and voraciously and tearing-clothes-off on a CW teen cliff with her baby sister's hunky heartthrob bully...or is that her baby sister? no, that would be too weird, even for The CW. cool lighthouse tho, i always think of a barbershop pole whenever i think of a lighthouse...Lovers' Point sure ain't what it used to be...

* Chemical Brothers' "Swoon" music video trees forest woods

* that looks like that hacienda ranch that was the setting for all those episodes of Destinos which taught every gringo like me how to speak Spanish cos Raquel Rodriguez's eyes were diamonds. Liliana Abud is most responsible than any other human for bringing us together in multiculturalism, and she's all the hotter for it.

* exact lyrics: in the valleys, where lovers whine…

* ironically, The Tallest Man On Earth isn't even that tall. the tallest Swede who ever lived was Ingmar Bergman, tall as in stature.


happy weekend, my babies, it finally feels like summer now, right? no more tv shows.

NEXT WEEK: let's tackle all those sumptuous gorgeous Gucci's not like we have a Triple Crown to look forward to...

TOMORROW: the Burger King Parmesan Italian chicken sandwich...which is just like their '80s Italian Chicken Sandwich---still an all-time classic---but this time with a hamburger bun instead of a seedy French roll...

Wednesday, May 22, 2019


it was nearing the end.

the battle. the war. the war against women. this thing which should have been solved ages ago, litigated in the courts, not by lances on a field. which grandmothers should have knit over, pinochled not punched over, switched partners over over hard coffee, not hard punch. yet somehow, as the new tech emerged, these battles were waged once again, as if nothing mattered, as if they would always be new, as humans in a digital iron age find it a hard time redefining themselves, wondering if they ever existed at all, if all the past blood was a river in the sky, all the past treasure after all bitcoin.

somehow, these heady weighty matters were handed over to the well-manicured and soapy hands of one Madame Pons: skinny frame, oversize Robe. she didn't want this, but she loved too much, too greatly, too passionately, that she could never let one of her girls go without her first giving up her life, that was her lifeblood. it wasn't sacrifice, it wasn't sanctimonious, it was sanctioned in her soul, it was Pons's instinct.

she was doing the best she could.

she, as she always does, answers the phone at LUSH. her body is racked with pain but not guilt. she is a bloody corpse but she's alive, cornered but pliable, she has survived the war unscathed in her ideals. her side of ideas won. as it should in a just world. she is too hurt to triumph, to raise her fist, she can barely hold the receiver:

Pons: hello. yes, sis. i love you, too, got me. we did it. we won the war. the other side was decimated, their stupid ideas blown to the wind like an atom bomb. the pitch battle was fierce---the Woodstock tents were all blown away when their spikes were thrown---the college campus is meant to be a place where philosophies clash, not cannon and copper armor, it's not exactly a place for war, not many trees to hide catapults, but we got it done. the enemy is defrocked and defeated, all of them killed, murdered doesn't matter which label you use, all those stupid alt-right Purple Boys never saw it coming, they thought they had an army, but WE had the army. where did they go? dunno. they disappeared, out of sight, out of kind, out of mind, i don't care, it's over. turns out they were scared to actually drop blood, they talked a big game tho. see we women are glad to give our blood to the cause, we birth all the children after all. the last one looked at me with his surly puppy-wolf-eyes and begged for his life, told me he actually liked Elton John, but it was too late for him, his cause and his bright star. time to dim the din. you should have seen my sisters out there, they're resting comfortably now here, but they were fucking giants. bruised but unbowed, tho all of their bows were broken. we're having a light snack to recover. oh who am i kidding, WE ARE FUCKING EATING!!! we are eating EVERYTHING, there's nothing left to do, no man to dress for, no boss to impress/promote, we have slain the patriarchy and are the goldcap at the stone of the temple. Prince, who was Jimi Hendrix Reincarnated, came back but even HE didn't help the Purple Boys, he was on our side and played that funky guitar---funky-shaped guitar---to keep our troops' spirits up. and other things up. yeah we're eating some nice cheeses to whet our diaphragms, waiting for The Meal, dialing that dot all the way to decibel. no more dimestore abortions, we are free to control Goddess's Fate.

Gladyce: Fuerza would be so proud of all you! dears, brava! Fuerza has ALWAYS wanted the decision to fall on Her creations, not for God to have it.

Pons hugs the crones wth decorous abandon.

Pons: mi lady-sisters, i am honored! i shall bend the knee only to bow to you! how are you? safe travels i hope?

Doryce: i don't know if this gets you in the witch club, but you sure have become one badass childless mama since we left you, Pons. you're a babe now, cos you're a leader. boss babe. you're fucking Olivia Benson!

Pons: please, have some cheese. we're all waiting for the main course. Uncle Tetsu cheesecake and Beard Papa cream puffs, these are my men, i never had father figures growing up.

Gladyce: no you did, dear, but you rejected the strongmen as everyone should.


Doryce: i always say that. in bed, when i first wake up.

The Mooch, dressed in a red anklelength robe and white bonnet, wheels in a huge tray of burgers wheels greased with all the grease from said burgers. the women army, and some men, and some forest woodland animals, dive in and devour the pile of hamburgers as if they had been invited to one of President Bump's rallies/sports-event congrats. they munch it all down their dirty gullets with glee and gratitude and grace. Pons raises her finger joint in the air with steel:


Doryce: better than spoiled meat.

Gladyce: why do you keep freezing the bacon? why preserve that death food?

all the burgers are swallowed in .3 seconds…

Doryce: that's even faster than i swallow cum.

...and the glorious army of valkyries and amazons and heroines have had their full, they rub their bellies---food this time---and sit around the tavern table all their body parts on the table cajoling and telling each other their tales of valorous battle which they all just went through together so it's kind of redundant cos they've seen everything but they're drunk off mugs of frosty brew. coffee.

Laertus storms in---as much as he can---to LUSH to interrupt the party flow---as he always does, he's a disruptor. he wears a sorry look on his face as if to say sorry beforehand.

Pons: what up, my child.

Laertus: i'm afraid my lover, who's a goatman, has some bad news for y'all.

Llywarch trots in behind Laertus and takes down his pants.

Llywarch: that was to break the ice. women, valiant female warriors, my sisters-in-arms, i'm afraid you have fallen victim to the changing reality as we all have. but you are no victims, no matter what. all those burgers you just ate? that meat was the alt-right Purple Boys. alright? you're cannibals now.

the girls are shocked for .3 seconds, but they don't scream. and are resigned to it after awhile. that meat just tasted so good! it was full of so much sauce and tawny tang and blue rage and red peeper pepper and computer tears and gigantic generational grief, a gigabyte of grief. that meat was made in a millennium, had to season for centuries.

Pons: fuck me. is it deepfake?

Llywarch: yes, it has infected everything.

Pons: wait, that gives me an idea...sis, you still on the line? i was getting a strange message throughout this whole thing in my ear from an unknown source, but i clarified it. it sounded like a boy, but not one of our boys. then i was sure. it was Takahashi! he's been trying to reach you, his mother! this whole time! ouija, séance, salad, whatever works. i'll connect you two.

Pons connects the two lines...with her mind.

Takahashi: mom? i peed my pants! not cos of you!

Taki: oh son...

Pons: it turns out Takahashi WAS willing to help but could never get through. but it wasn't a Bermuda Triangle situation, the barrier which supposedly everyone thought was separating you and Melbourne from the outside world was simply deepfake. once you realized that, you could pierce through.

Taki: i figured that out once you did. we really are connected. but i didn't have a name for it so i decided not to run with it for the 6 o'clock deadline.

Melbourne: i am sorry for all the mess and confusion, i just want to be your good husband, your goo husband, your husband which provides you goo, i don't want to own you like a bloody body double, i want you to be free, i want to give you away. and a stepdad to Takahashi. i just want to ride my airplanes---the way men just want to ride their motorcycles---my Auster, cos Australian. and my Vampire Jet cos i have some goth clients who like a little bloodletting with their lovemaking.

Pons: cool. i was gonna deepfake as Taki if all else failed---and especially if push came to shove---and entered your bed, Melbourne, to keep the marriage fresh. and together. but now that everything is out in the open, are we still on for the real threeway? that always spices up a marriage after it's been awhile standing still stale dormant and worried.

Melbourne: it's true, you lose all sense of time when you're in here.

crones: well, now that that's been settled as gold dust, we shall take our leave. good luck and good lovin'. (Gladyce actually says lovinG.)

the crones entrance out and into the Clearing, where they soon approach All Gardens Great and Small. a mother-and-daughter actress team are there diligently planting the posies. one is heavyset and has a huge tattoo on her arm bigger than her whole body but not her head.

Doryce: she's obviously the comedienne, the other seems the sober one.

mother: nope. i birthed an actress, she has all sorts of weird ideas about marriage, she's keeping all her boyfriends secret, i tell her she needs a strong tall fellow to uproot the weeds but...well...her imdb and wiki has no Personal section so i'm worried she's a dyke.

actress: well this is a show about dikes.

Doryce: nonce. come here, dearie, and have a Tank Boy! suck on that lemon popsicle. right? it's a frozen plastic soda bottle! it's impossible to get the lemon ice out without a knife! you have to wait for it to melt! but it's oh so worth the wait! it tastes like Liquid Heaven!

actress: Haitai? me like.

mother: *shakes Doryce's bony hand* thank you. from the whole family. we thought she was just weird.

Gladyce: you can't grow those, you know, dear, send the rest in a box with airhole slats to the LUSH afterparty and keep it lemon squeezy Japaneesy.

Doryce: all's well that ends well. at a well dressing. and alchemy. where to next?, my eternal love.

Gladyce: i hear Theresa May's in a right pickle.

Doryce: she needs a pickle up her shaft to relax her. Jo's my trainee there, she's doing a bangup bangers-and-mash job. whaddaya say we double-team May in May so she switches sides before it's too late?

they both laugh and chuckle and red and hold each other's hands as they bounce into the sky.

Maria LaRosa: slight chance...

Goody Paul: of me getting some tonight?

Maria LaRosa shakes her head, which causes an E5 tornado in the alley. which creates Heathcliff.

the Red Circle Table is a free-for-all fracas ruckus smorgasbord where all voices are heard thus none are heard. it has combined with the podcast to form all tech. it has a season-finale feel to it.

Jada Pinkett Smith: i was addicted to porn. Will is nowhere to be found.

Bump: now see? if it's a woman it's okay.

Jada: hey man, this is my original show, this is a real show with feeling, not one of your crude game shows, get outta here! you're banned here for life!

Bump: but yous see, i'm not the President. i'm a god. i'm everywhere, and nowhere. that's how gods govern.

Snoop Dogg: i hated being the bad guy on SVU, i don't do well playing the bad guy, i've always been the happy-go-lucky gangster. i have an image to maintain, i have to always be calm, have a soothing jovial joking demeanor, like i'm high, cos i am, cos i'm always on the weed, cos i get paid to smoke weed on tv, i'm the only American who has this contract, President Bump is jealous of me.

Martha Stewart, with butter in her mouth: you know why i invested and started to become interested in marijuana, right? to be closer to you, Snoop, we are OTP, we are soul mates you and i. we fucked in prison without the guards or the cameras catching it, that's how magic we are. and it's the old VPN concept, you know? you get the VPN to block any snoopers from accessing your internet, but what if one of those snoopers had been your soul mate and you blocked him. what if i had blocked my snooper who was Snoop? heartbroken and crying thinking of the possibility i'd be.

the two hug, Snoop is tall so his face reaches right at Martha's tits.

Snoop: i still watch UPN.

Jokic: where's my Award, Chuck? we learn basketball the right way, in Europe. were you a fan of my buttery passes in the playoffs?

Bald Bull: eat some more bread, whitebread!

Tiger Woods, with a bigger grin than normal on his face, growls:


Dirg: was that for Chewbacca?

Tiger: no, Buffalo Wild Wings. i'm their sponsor now, i signed, this was back when when i truly thought i'd never win another Major, never play golf again. i like this bar, it's a bumpin' bar, it's jointing, i like the waitresses.

Stephen A Smith: sorry, my man Scott Van Pelt, but i'm kickin' you out of your own chair. go kick rocks and pound sand! get yo ass outta my chair! I am the new Sportcenter Host at the 8 o'clock hour, it's a long time DAMN coming! i had the personality to pull this off WAY before four-eyes here. now let's get started with...what does that say?...Justin Bieber won Game of Thrones!!? sorry for spoilers, black folk aren't into this show, it's all over the internet anyway. i mean Grey Worm? come on, seriously?, that's a disrespectful name...

Scott Van Pelt, wearing one contact: that's Bieber the MLB pitcher.

Stephen: HEY! SAS beats SVP. sass beats Second Valuable Player. why isn't Jalen Rose here to talk about Juwan Howard's going to coach Michigan? where is Mr. Q? Mr. Molly Q?...oh, Molly's not here either? ...gotcha...

Eye Luggage: okay, the two big ones the same week. let's tackle Big Bang Theory first. now, here's the thing...

Dirg: that show was terrible. sorry. that's not how we are at all.

Eye: exactly! thank you for convincing me i'm not the one crazy one out on the island. right? yeah, i mean, like i'm watching the series finale and this show is as basic as it comes. it's completely and utterly boilerplate, it's as standard three-camera sitcom as it gets! i don't get the appeal. is it the subject matter? am i crazy?

Laertus: understood. Jim Parsons is a good actor, has good instincts, really made the character, and we all know why he's allowed to hang out with Genie Bouchard. Sheldon wasn't just about bazinga. yeah, there was a disconnect with the show cos it was the most popular show on tv for quite a while during its long run, had the most viewers for a very long time. people conflated its ratings with it being a GOOD show. but if i give it credit, it's this: the show came around at the exact time when the whole millennial adulting thing was concepting, you know? so this show speaks to that generation, it's as if EVERY one of our fellow millennials---except us three apparently---watched this show around the world globe, EVERY SINGLE ONE, contributing to the astronomical numbers. these characters speak to them, they were nerdy, bright about the world and tech and the speed of science and the gigabytes of knowledge we all must intake instantly if we are to have an intelligent conversation online. it spoke to the fragmented nature of nobody touching each other anymore, communicating solely through keystroke, a generation brought up and weaned on awkwardness, socially inept, unable to talk to each other face-to-face. how do these social cocoons find love in such a world as ours?, this world of interaction. not everyone can be a floor flower. for most, the struggle WAS real.

Eye: Game of Thrones, okay, here we go, the big one. the first episode i ever watched was this last episode, that was an experience! okay, i'm sorry, but this whole thing is ridiculous. i mean WHO THE FUCK CARES who wins the Iron Throne. you know? i mean this entire thing is wholly inconsequential, it doesn't mean a damn thing. i get it, the visuals are filmic, the dragons are real...

Dirg: this entire last episode was 100% deepfake, i hope you know this...

Eye: ...the babes are hot, the men are real, it's an excuse for hardcore pornography and real killing in the guise of "keeping things historically accurate", i get the appeal of all that. the there-is-no-age-limit-everyone's-related-to-each-other-we-fudged-the-numbers ethos. back in the good ol' days when anything went. but it's sex and violence, pure and simple. what of this Iron Throne? even i could see that was a slap to the fans who after all this decade, they BURN the fucking damn Throne thing to the ground!? are you kidding me?! so if Daenerys can't have it, nobody can!? take your ball and go home?! no spinning wheel of fortune? i thought i was watching Terminator there with the liquid metal.

Laertus: i thought it romantic and sweet, Drogon was protecting her mother on Mother's Day.

Eye: i mean all the fan theories through the years, the nitpicking and pasting and second-guessing each movement, each motion, each line each actor made, each way they said the line, each sway of the dress or the mace, all for the choice to be made randomly? i get it, the Iron Throne was really the wheelchair we all must sit in in life, that constricts us from achieving our dreams.

Dirg: …

Eye: don't be a fucking ableist, Dirg!!! you enable enough!

Laertus: i like Bran. if you don't have a storyteller, you got nothing. get it, GOT?

Dirg: you would like Bran the beta male. Daenerys had to go, she would have become an irreplaceable tyrant.

Eye: oh you think really? talk to me next time the Impeachment Hearing starts. yeah, misogynistic much? i mean they kill the woman in power. it was Hilary all over again. to break the wheel society must break the spinning wheel of hay. prick their thumb on its point.

Eye: i get it, the breathtaking vistas, the windy landscapes, the tall rocky pillars of Wales crag, and Spain, and inside the studio, postcard-picture-perfect. but all those comments, all 1800 of those AV Club comments, that tells you something, about society.

Eye: in the end, i just don't get it. what did it all mean? i get it, the Brexit shade, the comment on democracy and American democracy, subtle points in the writing, the Scottish angle of independence, all laid on in that final council meeting with the waterbottle. and what's with the Dothraki language? what's the POINT of the Dothraki language? at least Klingon has a purpose. Dani's speech would have made more of an impact had it been in English. as it stands, it's just a lot of gibberish.

Dirg: now you're sounding like me! Dani's Hitler speech, Hitlery. standing the whole time. with dragon wings for wings.

Laertus: of course the guy with the best idea was shamed cos he was the fat guy nobody took seriously.

Dirg tries to reach for Eye's hand but she snaps it back out of him.

Dirg: now tell the folk listening patiently without causing a ruckus on radio the real reason you hate this show so much. it's not the number of followers.

Eye: okay, fine, my Harley Hammer ran off with Arya Stark's sword Needle. her thin sword. thinner than me. happy now? i need to go on a long sea voyage and empty myself and find myself. maybe a second honeymoon. alone.

Laertus: it was weird watching something with no commercial breaks, i always felt something was missing. i would recommend it to those who like puzzles. and pop-up books, the intro opening. is this really the last collective mythos we humans will experience together on tv? well it sucks i missed all of it. o the sin of streaming. but wasn't that supposed to be Lost? see i was a Lost boy.

Eye: one thing it did get right was as we women finally assert our power, REALLY own ourselves and our magic, the need for men will be nullified and there will be a bunch of eunuchs running around this dusty planet. a wounded world. major pent-up penis prevalence. hey, did Tyrion ever get naked on the show, anytime during the series? that would be the only sex i would be interested in.

Cecily Strong enters her Manhattan brick apartment with her key-chain fob which is just a card. she ascends the stoop stairs inside and enters her room. there, foaming from his mouth, eyes glazed and rolled back, stands a monkey-looking and monkey-like Chris Kattan. he is lain across her kitchen table motionless, legs and arms dead and not swinging no more. he is a plant with no more brain, his head is completely bandaged-up tight with white ties. he is a house plant, he might as well be another of Cecily's hanging ferns.

Cecily, carrying three brown bags full of The Store groceries: what's for dinner you say? no, not beef. vegetables. haha...

Kattan: …

Cecily: i can't leave my family. my SNL family. i can never abandon my family, even tho you are a man. you're a man so you're the most vulnerable. and valuable to tame. i pledge to take care of you till the end. but no sponge baths. here i'm gonna place this banana in your mouth now...i know...i know you would think this is funny, too...sorry for laughing...

Cecily tosses her keys around Chris Kattan's neck. she tousles her tits, ass, and voice on her HRC Red coffee table hard. she reads the vice news in her newspaper with a straight voice. in a temperate tone.

Cecily: my mom wanted me to be a nurse like her. this is what i had been preparing for, i was gonna be a serious dramatic actress, i had the chops. and the insane body, i was bred for this, i had the talent, i could sing and actually impersonate celebrities unlike that bleach-blonde who gets all the attention and steals my thunder cos she and thunder are both blondes but she can't seem to make it in movies. i could make it in movies...i can act...really act...

at the sitting-room hallway corridor which connects Congress with the Cream House, purple-velvet hollow-point stools rule the day, oversat on, and oil paintings of squares. Nancy Pelosi in a purple plaid dress and a rose in one of her eyes takes off her kerchief from her dress pocket, spits into it to wet it, and wipes away some schmutz from Bump's lippy cheek jowls. Bump slaps her hand away.

Bump: stop that, Nancy! i'm not a baby! i'm not a baby-man!

Nancy: come here, Mickey, give me a hug. give me a kiss. you need a vacation, want me to hook you up with a Perillo Tours?

Bump: okay. it's like kissing your grandma with big tits but that mouth-kiss was nice.

Nancy: you know i love you, right, Mickey? but you can't get away with all that shit. you thought you could actually get away with all your shit you're doing? do you need a coat? you need to cover up, it's cold in here, let granmama help you put it through the holes.

at the Clearing:

Llywarch: you ready? which side will you choose? which side will you live for?

Laertus: i was born ready, ready to die. i'm scared. i don't understand. you know it's like Instagram, lifetimes in one day.

Llywarch: how do you mean?

Laertus: on Instagram. you see a stranger's Instagram page for the first time. you will never see this person again. today is your ONE DAY to talk to this person, so that comment you leave on her pic post better be the best, most-insightful, least-inciting comment you've ever typed, a written poem which in a few lines represents your character, humor, and personality. that DM you slide into a hot-babe celebrity's Instagram better be a damn good joke. this is THEIR and YOUR ONE CHANCE, one chance to make a first impression, the ONLY impression throughout all of space, time, and bandwidth, you'll never see them again, leave them with a message which they will remember…

Llywarch: am I your hot-babe celebrity?

Laertus: you're better. what do i need to do now?

Llywarch: turn your head to face the horizon. see it? you can't see all of it. the reality you've been living all your life---what you thought was real your whole entire existence---is what is the deepfake, The Clearing is reality. do you choose to live a life of love and truth with me? or finish your finals over there at your fake college?

Laertus has his hand to his face in a karate-chop like he's at the starting line of some Olympics track event in the 1910s.

Laertus: over there at Obec. no wonder Obec University never got accredited! i don't know. i dunno. i don't know if this is real. Dirg is as real to me as you are. it can't be, and yet i can sorta feel it is, there are strange untraceable irreplaceable tingles down the spine of my elbows. damn tech! i don't know what to do, where to go. i just don't want to think about this anymore. i want my head free from flies. i just want to wake up.

Llywarch: this is something you must do, something you have to do, there's no turning back: you must GO NOW!!! TAKE that leap into the unknown...

Monday, May 20, 2019


1. should romantic gifts be memorable or do they have to be useful?

as the taco girl says, why not both? tho i must confess that i want mine memorable cos i'm not a utility man, i don't know how to fix a car, do you use a hammer on a car? will Facebook eventually become a utility like water gas power electric? only THEN will the government get involved.

take a huge diamond. with the caves better not, okay a cubic zirconia. you can cut glass with that cubic, that's how you get Catwoman's phone number. however Catwoman is only into cat calls, calls made on her cute cat cell that's all covered in fluff, fake-fur fluff. and has a mini cat-toy white pom for the keychain.

2. how would you like to spend a special day with your significant other? the AV Club sure doesn't make it easy on us, do they? who has the time to post all those comments? 1800 comments total, 900 for the newbies, 900 for the experts. of course my beloved takes the experts, she knows all the minutiae, like how every Seven Land and river and catapult is spelled, that's how she seduced her last ex, she speaks fluent Dothraki and he was a Klingon…

she says i'm a direwolf in bed...i assume that's good...but then she says the direwolves only come out when the set is snowing and frigid. anyway, i take the newbie comments, my first episode of Game of Thrones was the last episode, what an experience! this is gonna take all day...

and then afterwards we'll go out to eat. by getting on our bikes and heading straight for the other's bike at full speed along an elm-neighborhood sidewalk to create KFC Cinnabon Biscuits. see? Spring came out after all.

3. is celebrating Valentine's Day dated and melodramatic?

yes. but i'm an actor, there's no such thing as melodrama, it's all just life to me. is this holiday dead? yes, that's why the goths love it so. is it dated? yes, but Time doesn't exist.

all i've ever wanted for Valentine's Day was for us to draw some Heathcliff porn and then act it out at the alley out back behind my driveway.

4. what place what you like to visit with
a) your best friend: i don't got a best friend, i got a bes fran. i know it sounds weird, but the two of us visit medical clinics together. i want the best for him, and many times when we go to the doctor he doesn't ask about mental health. my friend was reluctant, but i eased the awkwardness by telling the nurse that a Jonas Brother had sent him.

b) your significant other: Notre Dame. once that glass apiary is placed on there as the new roof. i'll pour some of that honey on my naked lover's body up there and...

c) your parents: i wish i could have bought my mom and dad a house, but i don't play sports or rap or do much of anything cos i'm crazy. so instead i built them a LEGO house from my own two hands. but my cats thought that house was for them and they made themselves comfortable in it if you know what i mean. my mom said she prefers PLAYMOBIL but the Playmobil house medieval cottage playset item thing piece figure is, like, really tiny and hardly noticeable, you can't stack Playmobils…

5. overall would you say your past romantic relationships resemble a
a) horror film
b) mystery thriller
c) romantic comedy
d) porn
e) drama

the only mystery thriller is whether or not Jack Is Back. since Jack Bauer's other show imagining what would have happened if Jack Bauer actually became President was cancelled, that frees up Jack to return to 24. another season, movie, or tv-movie. tho it's unfair to Corey Hawkins, i was in the commentariat minority but i really thoroughly enjoyed Legacy. the fact that you had the Skins cast in there helped me through it. hate to see the black guy get shafted again, pun intended.

BONUS: are you in a rut? how so?

my life is a rut. my entire existence has been one big rut. how did i get out of it? well i went to my priest one day and we had a conversation in a confessional booth, just me, him, and a bag of mini gold pretzels. my priest hates it when i leave crumbs in his confessional box so i hide them under my robe. the talk went exactly like this:

me: how do i get out of my rut?
priest: nut.


Friday, May 17, 2019


well this is a Royal mess. i feel so sorry for Maximum Security's jockey. has this kid been put through the silks ringer or what? in the press and slung through the mud...of the press and the racetrack. i mean he got those two precious minutes with Donna Brothers...

you know, every man and woman dreams of this. you're basking in the glory and glow of having won the Big Race, you ride alongside Donna Brothers on horses for the NBC interview where you can't gather your thoughts cos you're out of breath and just instinctively remember to pet the horses's jaw and kiss the horse on the ears and loosen the reins and make sure to always thank the horse cos the horse did all the work but you do take a moment to think of your rough childhood in some far-off place not America and think of all the relatives working the farms and tilling the stables till dayfall you left behind. you're never gonna be this ON TOP TOPPO again...and then...

it was weird, right? like you didn't even know what was happening, it was never enunciated, put out there in the universe, put to pasture, the pasture of the universe, it was simply simple silence. silence permeated the track, everyone took their ten-gallon flower hats off cos it was getting too hot and stuffy in the rain. everyone

it was like, yeah, there was an Objection, NBC ran the replay reels over and over and over, but this was never said, it was just kinda implied. and it took forever, and that poor woman who wanted to be tough at the start of the race admonishing the jockeys that this was HER track now, daddy was dead, and to comply with and adhere to all decorum and manners of a good Kentuckian, and then SHE has to deal with this SHIT. this thing that happens every race. i know about horse safety, i get it, but it wasn't that egregious, right? i mean you wouldn't have NOTICED it if it hadn't been brought to your eyes. so, let the horse win. the right horse. the one who earned it.

Rebecca Lowe is never attending a horse race again, this will be her first and last. which is a shame. British girls have that kind of low-key sexiness you can't find anywhere else...except Siberia.

imagine if there had been an Objection during American Pharoah's race at the Belmont! and now there is a GUARANTEED NO TRIPLE CROWN this year. that's not good for ratings, but actually, THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD BE. it should be HARD to win the Triple Crown, right? Justify is at a pasture right now laughing his ass off at us humans, he thinks we're donkeys.

this poor jockey starts to get disparaged in the papers when it's looking like you can't have an appeal of the stewards. see, there can't be precendent when this is the first time this has ever happened. it happened once but that was in the yellow papers. the owners turn on their own hardworking boy, call him names, said he was "drunk" out there racing, competing, steering. man this sport is rough. no days off. this case will be taken up by the Supreme Court BEFORE the 2020 Election...

of course my position holds no oat-sugarwater now that a tragedy has occurred on the Pimlico racetrack today...o the humanity...the horror of it all...those beautiful beautiful horses, makes me cry every time.

so choose one. not the Black-Eyed Susans, those are reserved for Susan Dey. everyone loves eating black-eyed peas, especially Josh Duhamel. Fergie, meanwhile, likes her peas green. for protein. saw her teaing with Kermit at Spago. after the week, month, and year-so-far we've all had to endure, i need a vaction. i would like to be Always Shopping and eating Cookie Dough with my brillo-pad teeth. off topic, Our Super Freak is still Cher. my favorite song is "Jack & Princess Diana" by Mellencamp. can you play the ukulele with your tongue?

i'm gonna have to go with Laughing Fox. cos Lars von Trier at the betting gate stared at me one time from a hedge for five minutes. i went up to him and offered my life savings but he politely refused, preferring instead to clean out the driveway. he then told me his next film was gonna be about my life...


tomorrow at KFC: CINNABON BISCUITS!!! but the cinnabon is already a biscuit of sorts, they just plop the KFC biscuit at the bottom of it and call it a day, huh. a Susan Dey.

who will win the Iron Throne? Hodor, right? gotta be, everyone knows the one who goes through the magic door gets the Enlightenment and gets to Live Forever. what everyone forgets is that there is a little door in the middle of your mind, one which opens up when you die buried in snow. small enough for only a rat to get but seriously it's gotta be Arya Stark, right? she's the cute kid pipsqueak with the heart of gold and insane fighting spirit beyond her size and determination beyond her designated rank and position in polite society we all grew up loving and rooting for, of course it's Arya!!! Up Arya!

Wednesday, May 15, 2019


Keanu Reeves at The Late Show, Keanu wearing a Wayne's World T-shirt, Colbert wearing a Beard Papa T-shirt, both under their tuxes:

Colbert: you didn't just swipe that saying from a google quote-search with the motivational mantra in front of a dying sunset behind mountains, didja?

Keanu: no, i don't steal in my life, goes against my Neo Buddhism code, the religion i invented. i got a call from my best friend Jim Carrey asking for advice about a matter, then it popped into my head. entirely my own creation. gained from my cruel experience with this life. had some family tragedies, a crucicble which makes my vote for one religion or another extremely stingy. if i told you The Brothers Karamazov was based on my life, despite that being impossible timeline-wise, would you believe me?

Colbert: yes, cos you're Neo.

Keanu: i swear, i want to be a Buddhist. but i'm just not there yet. it's pulling me there but there is mist on the bridge, and atheism seems too easy, you know? trust me, but it still hasn't made all the way sense yet, i've gotten that a lot in my career.

Chris Cuomo at the HLN Studios, the CNN Proper studios are getting a makeover (read: being fumigated). Cuomo has one glass eye. and curly hair. Cuomo is interviewing Alyssa Milano who wears a bonnet over her hair:

Cuomo: okay, i get it, sex strike, it's playful tho, right?

Alyssa Milano: dead serious. it's actually dangerous for women to have sex in this current political climate. i stand in solidarity with my dark sisters. sisters of the dark arts. Chris, we gotta be witches again, our sex is our power. you want me to wear my Bellona Warrior Princess copper kneepads and silver helmet covering my nose instead? i've got it in my Spade bag right next to my ankle bracelet here.

Cuomo: i get it, stare decisis, your eyes are like stars, let's decide to stare at them together, and all that. sex strike and the Peloponnesian Wars, was a crucial bargaining chip, helped turn the tide.

Alyssa: that's where penis comes from, Pelopopenis.

Cuomo: but there's gotta be a better way. you think you're getting twitter hate now, just wait till the incels come on board attacking you. hey, wait a minute, i'm checking my notes about you---for're 50?!!!

President Bump: you're a GILF!!?

Alyssa: i never had an awkward stage nor phase: i was a cute kid, the girl-next-door teenager, and a hot babe adult, and now i'm a gilf. thank you for having me on not cos i'm hot but to discuss women's health. you know a woman doesn't need a man to achieve pleasure. sorry, guys. she only need use of her wand.

Cuomo: look, i mean, right, i get it, no need for apology. but you're Italian like me, too, right? it's you wanna after the interview go see that millennial teen movie flick about the stars? the mob is not making me go to the OC one but i'd like to have some of your protection. against pregnancy.

Maria LaRosa, one foot barefoot: see? this is what i mean. i had to say MOTHER of all storms last weekend recharge. my black man cabana boy had to say City of MOTHERLY Love. cos it was Mother's Day for him...

at the TNT Studios, which is right next door to the HLN Studios:

the original Red Circle Table is there all gathered. Ernie, Kenny, Shaq, and Bald Bull:

Ernie: not the cartoon thing with the turtles. those were the ol' '80s TNT days when it was owned by Cartoon Network. i hold a lot of secret pain about my family that the audience never sees. the fact that i can still laugh is a blessing. thank you, twitter, for my gold tooth. i come from the mean streets of Milwaukee.

Kenny: i have a daughter who raps. she invented Gansgta Walking. i don't appreciate the other panelists' comments about my daughter.

Bald Bull: you know i LOVE the NBA Draft! it's so much better than the NFL Draft, that Draft is fucking four days long!!! all wind. this NBA Draft was so fun, it's only 30 minutes, and there's a collegial atmosphere in the air, everyone all the owners and that kid owner shake hands after, Cassidy keeps it loose with the jokes, and it's's like The Round Table in Arthurian Times used to be, people coming together gathering round a round table and discussing the issues and chastity belts of the day and shooting the breeze over mead, not Bud. real buds. everyone was wearing a suit but nobody would have minded if we were all naked. nobody cared if you were a man or a woman. the lottery used to be jovial, till stones, family tragedy, life savings, raping of the poor, and mental health got involved, stories started to be told. it was just nice and short and pleasant, like life. should be. i hope the sitcom format persists after Big Bang. and Big Bang.

Shaq, wearing a rose in his pocket: Charles, you sure you okay? you're rambling.

Bald Bull: i did get hit in the head a few times. but all boxers wear helmets now, right?

Shaq: this year's NBA Awards were lit. i mean you had that dude with the fro which i awarded cos he has a fro like me. i'm gonna be Shaft, Samuel L. Jackson can't play EVERY part. and i give an Honorary European Mention to that Ricky-dude player from Europe who would guard James Harden by literally…

Kenny: Euro step?

Shaq: no, but kinda. it was weird. Ricky would step IN BACK of James Harden's heels as Harden went for the J or 3-pointer. to prevent Harden from doing his patented juke of his shuffling feet step-back. quite innovative. never seen anything like it before, and i've seen it all. even Space Jam 3, which i will star in. and finally, the Oscar goes to Enes Kanter, for all the shit he's dealing with back home. i mean dude really can't have a moment's peace to himself, even when he's ON the court.

With Kanter, You Kan

hey, that has a nice ring to it. Enes should run for President. of Turkey.

Ros Gold, wearing gold teeth and curly hair: Big-Shot Kawhi?

Kawhi, quietly like Prince: nah, that was Big Shot Rob. i'm happy still with Shy Kawhi. cos i like the R&B group Shai. i don't want to step on any toes. why did you talk directly into my ear?, that was kind of warm and personable, i'm not used to that.

Ros Gold: cos of the stadium crowd noise. Kawhi Lemon? it's always the quiet ones.

Kawhi: i'm not a quiet one but i'm a young one, i like to have fun, have you seen me laugh?

Ros: why is peeping at sideline reporters and cheerleaders at NBA games a meme? are they implying celebrities aren't human? they're robots?

Kawhi: i'm nursing a cold. we're not the Toronto Raptors, we're the Canadian Raptors.

the crones are lazing around doing nothing, lying down laying on a Viking Funeral ship. for kicks. for fun. they are at Uncle Harvey's Mausoleum in Duluth, Minnesota.

Doryce: i don't see why everyone says Duluth is dull. Minnesota is awesome! you got the freshest freshets here. and Prince.

Gladyce: hmm, this isn't Viking Cruiselines. well, not Prince anymore.

Doryce: Mary Tyler Moore? David Foster Wallace? oh well. i guess i'll be their new Princess. but not a racist one who wears a blackamoor brooch. who names their princess Michael? oh, and Betty White! Betty White, that's it! that's her! we still got Betty White!

Gladyce: this is a wonder of the world...that no one knows about.

Doryce: i was hoping Uncle Harvey could direct me to the rabbit sex around here. introduce me, put in a good word, a spell. as in sex with rabbits, that's how we witches get more familiar with our familiars.

Gladyce: there's no one book on the subject. dear, you see the conflagration going on with high licking flames of red blue and green befalling our ship? you know where that comes from? you know why there's a thick fat long brown streak running straight all along this blue lake?

Doryce: oil? crude oil must be a thing of the past.

Gladyce: more specifically, grease. cooking grease. you know all those French fries you're so fond of? you cook them in fry grease batter. fried food isn't good for you, too much fried food is like having a restaurant in your mouth. gotta cut back on the fries. i'm so scared for you, your diet is terrible: bacon everyday, french fries, fried greasy potatoes for lunch. you gonna die.

Doryce: we're all gonna, even if WE specifically will take longer.

Gladyce: as your eternal wife it's my job and duty to protect your heart.

at the SNL Studios, Cecily Strong in a red robe is chatting up Beck Bennett in the eaves after the season finale.

Beck: *slight-chance-of-rain chuckle* there will never be a SERIES finale to this show, huh. it'll keep going on forever.

Cecily: *chuckles back, slightly* huh. yeah. and to think it was almost canceled in the Eighties. who cancels an Eighties show? i can't believe you've been with us now at the Company for 19 years.

Beck: has it been that long? my jowls are jowling right now! so whaddaya say?

Cecily: yeah, i know, i've felt the attraction ever since you signed. from your first skit. it wasn't the two of you as a comedy tandem, it was always just you.

Beck: but is it mutual? i can be the handsome yet woke guy you need. i know you have an image to maintain.

Cecily: it's not an image, i worked in a women's clinic for years, horror stories shaped my opinion of men. it's just...…...i have a man at home. in my NYC apartment. i can't abandon him.

Beck: *hangdog* i see...…...hey, Emma Thompson should've done a skit where she runs around naked to the everloving embarrassment of Stephen Fry running around in their apartment she trying to chase him down. that happened in real life. it's funny cos it plays on the stereotypes of gays, you know?

Cecily: right, i agree. who would turn down a naked Emma Thompson? except a stupid angry abusive ego-driven Kenneth Branagh, who thought he was God in the Nineties. why the hell did SNL wait SO long to get Emma to finally come? she's an old woman now!

Beck: well, when it comes to comedy, nothing tops The Young Ones. who do we get for next season's opening host?

Cecily: hostess. Bonnie Bernstein, another oldie-but-goodie legend. gracing us with her presence on our tired old creaky stage. i might leave next year, my commitment is that cement. already got a preview of her monologue.

Bonnie Bernstein steps out on stage in a neon-green gogo-dancer outfit. after a Berenstain Bears joke, she delivers the thunder.

Bonnie Bernstein: hey! Bump official! get my name out yo filthy mouth!!!!!!!!

Dirg: this is so bullshit! why does the AV Club Reviewer do a review of ONE SNL skit. ONE skit!!? are you kidding me? just to line his pockets more?! typed lines for lines for lines of coke. i see you, Dennis AV Reviewer. and no, i WON'T have a nice summer waiting for your imminent eminent return this Fall!

Eye Luggage: i LOVED how Family Guy handled the James Woods conundrum imbroglio quagmire they were in. Quagmire, get it? that was becoming a sticky situation, giggity. bye, Batman.

Laertus: The End of the Tour, go.

Dirg: good movie, terrible title. how generic can you get?, how non-DFW. FU. just name it Infinite Jest to sell more tickets.

Laertus: yeah but that's false advertising, they'll think it's ACTUALLY the film version of Infinite Jest, which would be a monumental achievement, an insane undertaking.

Dirg: don't even try it, it would be another Dune. the unfilmable script.

Laertus: LOVED this biopic. it makes me wonder how Jason Segel would have fared if his career had been straight drama, no comedy. but Jason was always constantly pulled by and to that Muppets sauce.

Dirg: like he were on strings. "puppet" is code for "furry". OMG, but that Lipsky guy! he's got a set of lips on him huh! on set. i mean he reminded me of YOU, that guy was SO FUCKING JEALOUS of David Foster Wallace it showed and would seep out of every conversation and interview, it was painful and pitiful to watch.

Laertus: more like human. i related to him actually. not in the crude base way you think. we all go through those pangs of wanting to be someone else, someone with more fame, money, birthday money, and side-sex after sides at Sizzler. why did sides have to die? i love what Lipsky says about how when you read Infinite Jest, since it's a secret personal memoir and memory-machine and accounting of Wallace's, laden with code words and melancholy and life experience and male disappointment peppered throughout all those footnotes, since it's an all-encompassing encyclopedic novel of his life experience, a mushed-in memoir of sorts, when you read that book, it's like you're becoming Wallace's friend, you get to know the man, not just the author. you read all about him, who he is and what he's like. like a massive profile FBI file. that's nice, that's how all books should be, a glimpse into one's inner life.

Dirg: remember when Rolling Stone was still a cultural touchStone of culture? they had the quiver in their hands and directed how pop culture should think.

Laertus: can you imagine being a student in David Foster Wallace's writing class? how lucky were those damn students! they weren't Obec students that's for sure. it's like those few who were taught creative-writing in a small upstate-New York liberal-arts college by none other than Rod Serling himself---right before he died.

Dirg: i dunno. i'm suspicious of all these Great American Authors who were only great cos they wrote long books. strange heady impossible-to-follow books. is EVERYONE the next Faulkner or Mueller? that conflict with the lady-babes from college-grad school was completely manufactured for the film. but i DID love how they watched Broken Arrow of all great classic films at the Great Mall of America, as that Mall was just in its infancy learning to walk getting off the ground taking off. one escalator at the time. goddamn the Nineties were a simpler time! when the only war we had to worry about was Letterman vs. Leno.

Laertus: can you blame him? you can't resist the shadow of Meryl Streep. those poor dogs, i think i felt for them the most at the end. i think those long winters he endured up there in desolate Middle America were a little too quiet. if he needed Midwest i think Chicago would have been the perfect place fit for him. crazy writers can't have TOO quiet, it makes their already-fragile psyches that much more crazy. it's sad, this brilliant man writes all these unfiltered pages and pages and pages of stream-of-consciousness brute strength and brutal wisdom, and it's like his brilliant cosmic unearthly alien brain couldn't catch up with his human feelings so his only option was to join the two of them together in the sky.

Dirg: as in the high-arching wood crossbeams of the ceiling. David should have just become a dancer, that's what he REALLY wanted to do. i wanted to see him on Dancing with the Stars. and what about that suicide note? WHAT exactly is in the note?

Laertus: get Mueller on that. no doubt more abstruse packed brilliance which will be debated for centuries. Library of Alexandria stuff. i'm thinking some mathematical equations and circle graphs with the Michelangelo Human Body of Man in the center of the circle.

Dirg: that's the most-guarded secret in pop-culture history. how does DFW get all the vault stony silence? he gets a pass but Cobain's is strewn and flung around every conspiracy theorist's website and web black-hole? but Foster's is so tightly-locked-up there is no key.

Laertus: runs on automatic now, no key, just a key card placed in the slot. i GREATLY appreciate Jesse Eisenberg's work ethic, his process. his reason for acting, you know he would watch his mother come home from work as a clown and she'd say to him that all acting work is noble and you should approach it like a job. that's why Jesse is so brilliant, he treats an acting gig as if it were a job, like he were breaking rocks on a construction site.

Dirg: Jesse in this movie made me want to punch his big nose and spew into a tissue. no, seriously. but i guess that's good acting. he has this tickish weird awkward mannerism to his style that irks me, like he's always trying to be a brusque asshole underneath his seemingly placid nerdy curly-haired demeanor. weird acidic tongue mixed in with his easygoing geeky manner, his eyes aren't quite right, they're hiding something. like if it were his choosing he would have been a school bully if he had been bigger and more muscular. his mom is a clown? that explains a lot.

Laertus: i just hope this film brings back tape recorders. there is no medium more human, more brimming with energy, more crackly to record experience, more live and alive than tape tape. the human voice is basic on tape. i love the sound your thumb makes when it pushes the button of a tape recorder.

at LUSH Madame Pons receives a phone call. from her sister. Pons picks the mouthpiece up with food stuck in her mouth and on her teeth, talking with food in her mouth---yes, the food is LUSH soaps:

Pons: what up, sis, i'm kinda busy, what do you want? don't take that tone with me! no, i'm not pretending to go under a tunnel, no scratchy static sound, i'm eating soap, that's why you can't understand me.

Taki: i can't understand you even when you're speaking clearly.

Pons: i love you.

Taki: dammit! you undermined me. now with what energy have i to be angry with you?

Pons: look, sis, i get it, that's why i'm leaving it to you.

Taki: what?

Pons: you are the strongest woman i know. that's why i'm gonna let YOU solve your own mystery! surely you can figure out why you've disappeared from us. your son can't crack the code?

Taki: or he doesn't want to. anymore. Takahashi is off trying to become a video-game athlete, whatever the hell that is. and my husband Melbourne...i fear he's dangerous.

Pons: no, i honestly don't think so. but it has to do with planes, spheres of existence. take a bath tonight with some LUSH soaps and relax your mind, it'll come to you. only YOU can get out of this. YOURSELF.

Taki: *tearing up* i appreciate you, my beloved sister, and i honor you. you know all the other women in my life, my work colleagues, they were all jealous of me cos they thought i had it all. i was a beautiful woman with a high-stress career who was getting it done. mother and breadwinner. everyone thought i was constantly being promoted just off my good looks and not my abilities, they disparaged my journalistic skills. but i fear my final dream of stable family may be in jeopardy.

Pons: hey, it's not as bad as all that, it's not Alex-bad. yes, everyone thought the good-looking one on tv was the Asian woman. we are still talking about the Eighties here, right?

Taki: okay fine, well i was petite if not pretty, that's the same thing to men, right?

Pons: despite your concerns---which i validate---i still think Melbourne's a good guy, i still think he can come out of this the good guy, he's redeemable. but i got a plan to shake him out and loose and prove my theory...

at the Clearing:

Llywarch: the time has come. for you to decide. who you really are. your destiny and your dreams will combine and join and meld here.

Laertus: or melt here. i'm not sure i'm ready.

Llywarch: you are not ready for this, i can guarantee that.

Laertus: what's up with business instagrams? right? they're all so ugly, and they all look the same, they all seem to come from the same white square cookie-cutter design. how ANYTHING gets sold through Instagram is beyond me, it's witchcraft, a real head-scratcher.

Llywarch: i'd scratch my head but i have a hoof and goat ears.

Laertus: beyond the beyond. the Almighty Algorithm. you think Instagram had any idea when they were trying to pair up people and things and ideas looking for similarities and patterns and matches, trying to define us, that they'd land on YOU and ME as a couple?

Llywarch: no, that's the point. we broke the system, we're illogical, and yet here we are. are you ready to step into your new life?

Laertus: will it be like an NBA Draft prospect getting signed to his first pro team?

Llywarch: no, that's more about the upgrade. dealing with money and such, but still in the same realm. what we're dealing with with you is entering a new frontier, exploring a space yet to be timed out. a shift in your consciousness which affects the clouds in the sky.

Laertus with his mouth in a pucker turns around to face Llywarch. Llywarch smiles then bleats.

Llywarch: a new reality...

Monday, May 13, 2019


i will NEVER UNDERSTAND this as long as i live to my eternal grave. i mean the Apple Macintosh REMAINS the cutest awesomest and best most-friendly warmest design a computer has EVER had. Steve Jobs is a genius for sure---he is Magneto after all---but it seems it wasn't until the ipad that the dude had a BREAKOUT HIT, at least globally and global-consciously.

i LOVED the original Mac, it spoke to me, and not just hello. it was my first friend, the compact design was not quite a cube, a cute cube. not quite a gray box like Nintendo, but just a pocket friend you could put in your pocket, someone to talk to when you were too square for society. this is where i had my first virgin conversation, the first time i played Oregon Trail, the first time i was ever in a non-meth lab. and that game where you fill up your mining cart with as much poundage of jewels as possible careful not to tip it over into the bottomless cavern below when the railroad tracks suddenly weren't finished, and then the seagull congratulates you with a squawk surfacing from the sea, remember that educational PC computer game?

1. what is the rudest thing you have ever done? placed a bet at a bar. never place a bet at a bar, and with another man. this man came up to me and we started jostling. about Embiid. i said i didn't like how Embiid carried himself and the other man called me racist. but i have to say after this round (not of drinks) i see Embiid completely differently now, i think he's cool, i LOVE a man who can cry in public.

2. what do you like more---being a leader or follower? why?

you know what Steve Jobs always said...something to the effect of...if you don't do your dreams, you're just working to make someone else's dreams come true.

i like Magneto, he's cool, so i'll be Magneto's follower.

and WHY THE HELL didn't the Nixie Watch catch on? right? you take one look at those things and are surprised and befuddled and dumbstruck that not EVERYONE in the world is wearing one of these fashionable trendy watches now. i mean this is indie hipster retro FOR THE MASSES. Woz really got the short end of the stick up the ass from Steve Jobs TWICE!

3. if you are single, what do you miss most about being a couple? if you are in a relationship, what do you miss most about being single?

i am eternally single, even when i'm in a relationship. forever my own thoughts. what i miss most? cereal. Fruity Lucky Charms, overkill cereal with the sugar, no need to create such a cereal really. but it was fun having that cereal with my baby, we'd get our tongues sticky-stuck to each other from all that extra sugar, it was sweet.

when i was single i was free. free to wear jeans in my studio apartment. free to worship My Lord And Savior Superman. free to laugh freely at dirty politically-incorrect jokes about cereal.

only single guys really get Seinfeld's jokes, you know?

4. if you could hack into any computer whose computer would you hack? see above.

i was gonna say Julian Assange's but...i'd need TONS AND TONS of John McAfee's special sauce---homemade from Belize---of virus-protection on that bad boy first, you know?

i wish BMO were my son. i'm sick of imaginary friends, i need to start a family...

that was the beauty of the Mac and all Apple products, the end-to-end, they are impossible to hack, not compatible with any other hardware or software, THAT's why you want to hack it all the more, to see what's inside (not Intel Xeon), you want to see if the Answer To Life is inside, the one Steve Jobs meditated on in his private zen tomato garden every morning before scooting to work on a lemon rainbow.

5. if you could shop for free at one store (brick n mortar, not online), what store would it be?

when i was a kid, my favorite store was Toys R Us. that was the place to buy my Nintendo video games, the gray cartridges with the railroad tracks. always very expensive, 60 bucks a pop. i could only get a new one, like, every four months, a quarter in the financial calendar. it was a magical place, the glass was magical and shiny, it was always that first counter of heavily-locked glass as you made your way from the glass sliding-door entrance. that was where i first laid eyes on the sidescroll concept of video games, where i first laid my eyes on a tv up top the shelf sample-playing Level 1-1 of Super Mario Bros. i've been hooked ever since that childlike gaze. later, Geoffrey the Giraffe harassed me online and started stalking me cos he said i stopped going to zoos to visit him in favor of GOT cons---which he read in the emails as goat---which was unfortunate. that's what i get for joining the fan club. see? brick n mortar is WAY BETTER than online.

also, Fedco. that was also a place to get my Nintendo video games. also 60 dollars a pop. that's where i got Contra. it was supposed to be for a sleepover but i ended up playing it all myself deep into the jungle night. always sold under that huge carpeted partition at the side of the store. and then i'd go to the elevated Thrifty-cone ice-cream parlor-and-pharmacy right at the edge where the glass sliding-doors exit was to celebrate the purchase. Sal a nice Italian man was there who always served me the little boy, think he felt sorry for me cos i was so weak and skinny. that's where i had my first pepperoni pizza and churro stick, heated awkwardly under a heat lamp and FILLED with grease and sugar, Sal got me hooked on the good stuff.

later Sal sent me a letter which was his letter to his boss. it read in part:

Dear Boss, Screw You. Middle Finger. work sucks. i hate working. i hate the concept of work.

love you, Sal, wherever you are.

BONUS: what is the biggest favor a friend has done for you? do you feel you must return the favor?

loved me. got me writing again. yes. i will marry her.


Friday, May 10, 2019



* first pic up there, that's my size...…...of paper i use to cast spells.

* they shoulda made a cartoon on that Wakanda night scene wth the Lone Cypress...wait...

* so this is like if VeggieTales were on HBO. VeggieTales serves a useful purpose in this society: they warn against the dangers of having bacon for every meal...

* Two Kings, not the zany Disney live-action sitcom about a couple of Tarzan Jrs. i watched EVERY episode of that show...for some reason...

* btw the title of this is not a knock at autism or anything, it's just the cool way to say it. not evoking a baby and bib or anything.

* so this is the CGI that makes everyone look like they've been spread with marshmallow-fluff

* this is why Bezos is the way he is today...taking no guff..

* Bezos: shit! i left my British Olympics shepherd cane in my other pants...with my hot telenovela actress...this is my giant candy cane! i don't mean my dick.

* Bible Translation Study Group: in ancient Latin, "bear" meant "gay man"

* Tiger watched this to get his game back...with the ladies, too...

* did you know bears can breathe in space? they have tremendous lungs and can hold it for, like, hibernation. the nuclear holocaust happened cos someone was asleep at the wheel...who happened to be a bear using his coffee mug to shave his beard

* Shepherd Bezos: and now i'm off to a land who will fit me with a tutu bottom. i'm thinking Little Bo Peep's house…

* the ONLY souls who get to enter the Pearly Gates MUST look good in a white wifebeater tanktop, get those guns out, my blaze bros.

* Satan's Hand: so, soul, tell me again how you invented BDSM...

* before we begin this tale, it must be noted that the two daughters never dressed sluttily. they never deserved this, i don't care if it's Biblical Times.

* daughter 1: so we're women at this time, we are fucked. the only thing that seems to matter is we squeeze out children.
daughter 2: let's get some of that street wine and do the just sucks that the only man in the ENTIRE tri-state desert area is our father, there are literally no other males or cute boys around.
daughter 1: i'd rather get some street tacos...

* daughter 1: don't let my pigtails fool you, i WASN'T reared in a barn.
daughter 2: the joke's on papa. this isn't wine, it's our menstrual blood. this will surely turn us into witches so we can fight the patriarchy with our black magic.
daughter 1: do i have to seduce him tho? do the sexy dance? i was gonna save the dance for when i became independent. i took community-college classes at night at the cave and everything.

* he was not aware of it when she got down...or when she got up...cos he was always up…

* daughter 1: so this is punishable by stone, right? incest?
daughter 2: technically we're preserving the familial lineage. but we are NOT doing a threeway.
Devil: even a Devil's Threeway?

* father: all i saw during the night were legs...

* family: so let's not talk specifically what our Tribe's name is, we don't want to curse a generation of People forever. the British Royal Family is finally right with Meghan and her son so let's just leave it at that.

* not much is known about the only gas station in Biblical Times. other than that gas was expensive. and caused the Dead Sea to go dead.

* oil joke here too easy. but the inflatable car-salesman balloon man in these times was actually the Satan Snake.

* Xavier Renegade Angel: hi, call me Jesus. it's just i have a really good non-tan on right now. the original Jesus wasn't white, he looked more like Xavier Renegade Angel.
demons: why do you taint us so?
Xavier: what do you mean?
demons: why did D&D have to come up during the '70s? why wasn't it popular in the social-media age? also, we are Smurfs, this is what the original Smurfs ACTUALLY looked like.
Xavier: you like red meat? i mean like the pigs are red.

* and the Snake Salesmen as in Car Salesmen followed the pack and the herd thinned till it was explained what happened to the other two Mr. McFeelys...

* Xavier: why do you protesteth the One True Son of God?
mob protesters: where is your red hat?
Xavier: um, i left it at home.
mob: get outta town! we don't want your kind here! for the last time, LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!!
Xavier cries out of town.

* God: never eat ANY birds, for they are all unclean.
People: see? God wants us to be gay.
God: no, it's just that's disgusting when you eat their heads. and especially don't eat the stork, that's where babies come from, you think I have that power? creating life is impossible.

* Prophet: i was the original Goku, and this is my pink cloud. i am pinkclouding.
Prophet: why is the sky marshallow fluff? i'm Eddie Murphy. please take me back, SNL, this is NOT the type of comedy i want to do. i've got a spice baby to feed. what's the deal with all these bones?
God Flame Elijah: these bones are the result of too many boners.

* Prophet: HOLY FUCK!! YOU LOOK LIKE SATAN! are you sure you're God?
Elijah: yeah, sorry, in Heaven we don't bother with the reanimating of the skeletons, we're just There, you know? but here on Earth we have to find a way to speak to you. let this be a lesson: drink the right kosher milk.
Prophet: bones. so, like jacks? cards? dice? dominos? marbles?
Elijah: let it be known in all the four corners of this barren desert that you have created the first-ever street corner.

* Prophet: black people don't ski. just a heads up. this is all very spooky. maybe it's better if we're all just turned into angels.
God: do they have to be naked, tho?
Prophet: whatever we're going through now, it will be nothing compared to the centuries-long horror which awaits the formation of Israel and Palestine.
God: you are all My People. simple. wait, their heads are empty, whatever you do do not fill them with religion!

* God: do not make different kinds of animals. unless it's a liger. only anal sex is acceptable. and smoke a pack of Camel cigarettes a day for your health, that's why you're in the desert.

* ginger: i've got a hot wife. but that woman has three tits. why are Biblical women so hot?
God: if you even think lustfully after a woman not your wife, you have already committed adultery with her in your heart and your dick is banished to Hell.
ginger: but i'm a ginger, i have no heart. i wear my heart on my head.
God: gouge your eye with a spoon.
ginger: i was gonna use that spoon for my ice cream. but blind women are hot.
God: cut off your masturbating hand.
ginger: oh, okay, i thought you were gonna say cut off my dick. i mean the girl is churning butter, what do you expect from me?
ginger: wait, the girl had goat hind legs the whole time!!? COME ON, THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!

Exodus God: can't. I'm God.
Moses: part the Red Sea!
Exodus: we're in a desert.
Moses: let me get to know you better.
God: I enjoy mukbang videos.
Moses: SHOW ME YOURSELF! how do i know this ain't a con?
God: I am pleased with you and know you by your name.
Moses: Moses is my slave name. shower me and Your People with Your glory.

* it starts to rain.
Moses: come on, yellow acid rain?
God: sorry. is it still morning? it's hard to tell in the desert. no man may see My face and live.
Moses: so, my wife shall be sacrificed? okay, i can live with that.
God: no, it's just you have to be dead to see Me. and angels have no eyes. slide up Chocolate Mountain to catch a glimpse of Me.
Moses: is that a euphemism for something?
God: you may see My back BUTT you cannot see My Face. get it?
Moses: God has a nice ass.
God: remember the thing I said about anal? this is what the Moon really looks like. ironic, huh?
Moses: so here on Sinai i am to make sinus medicine from these herbs?
God: no, the Ten Commandments. they were meant to be windshield sun shades to put up whenever I shone My ass toward you, the light coming from My butt is too bright.
Moses: heads up, my arms are too skinny wasting away in these desert sands to carry two heavy tablets.
God: newsflash, there are supposed to be THREE tablets! it's supposed to be a triptych! I have a thing for Roman society.
Moses: what's a car?

* narrated by Arya Stark. and sung by NXIVM.


Happy Mother's Day, my babies. or as my neighbor shouted out to me this morning across the fence, Happy Motherfuckers Day.

tomorrow: Burger King 6-Dollar King Box. hope it's like those 6-dollar burgers from Carl's Jr. which items tho? not the Angry Whopper, why did they bring that back? it just made people angry, we don't need more anger in this Discourse. and two cookies so Burger King can keep track of me...