* if you're not trespassing but merely loitering, do you still get a ticket? to sit at the table? and get an adult swim show of your own?
* KEEP OUT? we should be building bridges. when's that promised infrastructure bill hitting the links and skids?
* the Earth should put out a sign that says BEWARE OF MAN. and stick it in her still-blue air.
* me: those little teacup dogs are the ones you have to watch out for, they'll bite you and you'll think it won't hurt cos they're so small but it will hurt.
teacup dog: yeah there's no such thing as a cute bite. don't blame me, mate, i haven't realized a relaxing cup of EG tea since this whole Brexit mess started.
me: have you thought of getting Tips?
teacup dog: nah i like it all shaved, it's healthier. hey mate, can you hop the chain-link fence and set me free? i'm tired of looking at this brown lawn, the '90s and Dr. Dre rap videos are over.
* waitress: why'd you stop talking when i entered the open space? that's always so awkward and rude. are you planning a Hawaiian vacation together? i won't tell your wives.
men: that's just palm trees painted on your back wall there, you're the one who painted it.
waitress: i know you guys' wives, they come in here all the time. i could have been your wives but i got the mumps the day of the Sadie Hawkins Dance. Sadie was the first feminist, not the Sadie that's into nature.
men: do you have any Sugar In The Raw?
waitress: don't change the subject. is it cos i'm slightly got some padding? give me some fucking change! and a new braid would be nice.
men: fine. we're planning to cook the books and bilk Trivago out of all of the Trivago Guy's Dollar Shave Club products, you in?
* Burns: he he he they'll never know. i keep all my files the old-fashioned way in rainbow-colored binders in a grey cylindrical filing cabinet that looks like the Tower of Babel which i commissioned. with a key at the top drawer that only i have swallowed. what's this, i pushed the button of the key and accidentally unlocked all the doors!!?
* mother: honey, why are you so mad at me?
teenage daughter: i dunno, i just am.
mother: is this cos of your red hair? i have red hair, too, but i'm not as fiery as you.
daughter: cos you're OLD, mom! i'm pissed off right now!
mother: when i get mad---which is quite often i just don't show the family---i pray to Jesus.
daughter: JESUS WAS A GINGER!!!
* Lion Doorknob: answer three riddles.
Lion: no, the answer has been updated to woman.
Phoenix: Monty Python.
Lion: they're all dead now, right?
Phoenix: more wishes.
Lion: no, the answer was gryphon, stick your finger in my mouth...that's where the video doorbell is...
* boy: this is my treehouse! no girls allowed! i don't want them seeing my dad up here with me, it's embarrassing!
* steward: are you VACANT or OCCUPIED?
Jean Luc Picard: Earl Grey, hot. i'm the Captain, i don't do Number 2! and i don't use pot. and i've never had pizza with "oregano". well, unless it's synthesized pot done by my private personal synthesizer. not the instrument, the holodeck thingee that can provide you with any wheel of French cheese you desire.
steward: you stole my identity! security! Worf!
JLP: are you gonna watch my show on CBS Access?
steward: nah. but i'll give Twilight Zone a try, never heard of that show.
* man 1: don't look at me when i'm in the loo standing up.
man 2: just admiring your rustic backpack, sir. how many inches? is your backpack?
man 1: i'm tall. i could play for the NBA. that's your answer.
man 2: sorry, i'm George Costanza. is your urinal cake working? mine doesn't smell fragrant after i hit it.
man 1: Kramer was a racist.
* black girl student: teach, that's not fair! why do i have to eat my notes?
teacher: cos you don't have a dog at home. i know, i've visited your home.
black girl student: joke's on you, Authority. i wrote that note on my perfumed paper, it tastes smellerific.
teacher: so you like someone in this class, i knew it! who you got a crush on? the redheaded girl next to you?
black girl student: of course, she's Jesus!!!
* but what if you want to paper-shredder the paper-shredder?
* Asian guy: let's make one thing perfectly clear. i'm not creepy COS i'm Asian, i'm a creeper who just happens to be Asian.
woman doing her makeup in the car: that's what these car mirrors are for, right? doing makeup?
Asian guy: yes. i should know. i put on mom's makeup every morning. mom's convalescing. from having me.
* Greg Google: hey! watch it! copyright. you can't do a Psycho commercial, too.
Tim Apple: get in your free kicks before the Government regulates us all. just cos it's a shower curtain doesn't automatically make it Psycho. now if you'll excuse me, i haven't been naked in 30 years.
Alfred Hitchcock: i like to watch...
* woman: hello? Apple Genius help?
Apple Genius: i was sleeping, what do you want?
woman: i put a lock on my phone. like an actual square lock-and-key physical-security-device iron copper lock on my phone.
Apple Genius: like the water-navigation lock? okay, i'll be right over, i know where you live. have any idea where you put the key?
woman: let's just say the key is inside my body. and i didn't swallow it. i don't swallow.
Apple Genius: just tell me when your water breaks. you stopped smoking, right? the ash tray displayed at the end of this commercial notwithstanding. see? Marketing should have come to me for the focus group. i told them to go with the juul pod.
CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK
happy weekend, my babies. how should my mom resolve her car-troubles situation this weekend?
a) pick the black Volvo sedan
b) pick the black Nissan sedan in honor of Dad
c) get the ol' dusty green Volvo stationwagon fixed, bought at a Woodland Hills lot out at 9:32 PM when Reagan was still President
d) ask for an extension to May 22