Monday, October 31, 2011

ASS AT 0:13


who says 13 is an unlucky number on this day of bad luck and scary misfortune? so i had to combine the message of *find your beach* with this just happening to be the day of halloween, and i came up with PUMPKINS ON THE BEACH!!!

pretty, huh? not as pretty as the babe, but it works

not as awesome as my favorite band smashing pumpkins, but it rocks in its own way

if someone were to come up to you, slam a microphone in your face, y'know, one of those on-the-street reporters, and he told you to "FIND YOUR BEACH," how would you respond? would you slug him? would you run away with him?

speaking of things scary, a woman's fine ass, that can be intimidating, but i've learned over the years to simply worship and not try to dominate it. you cannot control the divine shape and the blissful concept of a lady's butt, you can only hope to count yourself among the blessed for having seen it and typed about it. and on that one special occasion, that one hot night, if she allows you to enter it, if she okays the opening of the back door, well, you can stand ERECT and proud that this sex will be the best, and the good will of this sex is a force that can conquer even the most hellish of ghouls and ghosts that this night will bring. hard, wet, sloppy fucking can defeat the Devil.


Wednesday, October 26, 2011



first, click on one type of rotten apple to carve out the series to death


remember, my lad,
on this day of fright and screams,
that the scariest thing you could ever gaze upon
is your own reflection in the mirror.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, MY BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Wednesday, October 19, 2011



first, click on the best damn OJ this side of Mars for #3 in the series


some recent texting activity of mine:

boytoy1345: it's me again, i know that you love me, you're just too scared. i really think we can make this work, i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and god dammit, YOU like me, so i matter. please return my calls, i've limited myself to calling you just 45 times a day now, i'm cutting back, like that liquid-only diet we were supposed to go on together up in the Andes. that was the trip that was gonna save us, gonna mask all of the inconsistencies, lies, and deep problems with our relationship. btw, i'm a girl, don't let my username fool you, see i want a boy toy, that's why i used that name, anyway, oh no, not that YOU'RE just a pretty boy toy to me, you're my everything. it's me, janna, your woman, your only woman

me: let me ride

therealnigerianprince87: this is not a scam, i repeat: this is not a scam. i am a REAL nigerian prince in desperate need of your desperate services. only you can help save my kingdom. now you may ask why i bothered to ask such a lowly, i mean salt-of-the-earth nobody like yourself for aid, well, i see something in you that even you don't. i see the fierce need to please others, to make something of yourself. all of the jocks at school beat you up, all of the babes never asked you out, but you are unique and special, that's what the Bible says, i'm assuming you're Christian, anyway, i believe in your Bible. so just do what we talked about, wire a million dollars into that swiss bank account number i gave you, and all will be well. if you don't, i'll REALLY spill the beans on your Obama and his nigerian roots and connections!!!

me: LET ME RIDE!!!

loseweightfeelgreat098: haven't gotten laid in a while? it's not your fault. well, it is kinda your fault, because you haven't bought the latest in a line of new SWEATER VESTS!!! sweater vests, baby, it's better than viagra, i know, you're sick of those enhancement spam emails, we over at Big's Department Store are, too. our sweater vests come in all styles and colors, black for your mood, white for your skin (assuming), gray for the atmosphere outside, yellow and sunny for a life you'll never have unless you buy a sweater vest: half-off, we're slashing prices, don't slash your wrists just yet...each vest comes with a free gallon of weight-loss powder (we're assuming you're fat)



Wednesday, October 12, 2011



first, click on the old boot for #2 in the series


eating, carving up an old shoe sole like in those old-timey cartoons,
using knife and fork,
i recognize my time is short.

watching the "barricade" music video from the band Courage My Love
i come across my symbol of true freedom:
those guys in the band, childhood friends forming a musical connection,
living young while still really young is really living,
making all the drug and sex mistakes while your body is still strong
ensures you a legacy even if you die suddenly...
or by your own hand.

yesterday, as the sun broke through the week's clouds,
it all came broken.
i sauntered on up to the deli counter ready to make my move--
the hot blonde who served me a sandwich there last week--
last week i initiated words, a conversation, and we joked casually:
we ended with a "take care" and a "see you next week".
but she's not there today, instead a cold-eyed woman gives me the stark news
as SHE, not my blonde love, prepares the ugly sandwich:
Blonde has been fired, i am cursed,
all that i speak to withers and dies.
that sandwich last night tasted not of ambition and hope, but of doom.

i've found that i am more naked than ever
as i bare my clothes...

so, now to you. where are your favorite places to get naked?


Monday, October 10, 2011



my babies, let's talk about a masterpiece of a film i watched, oh, about four months ago or so thanks to the fine folks at netflix. okay, that line won't do anymore, will it? i mean, after the hiking up of prices and the Qwikster debacle, they are still fine folks, but maybe my loyalties are shifting. anyway, EXOTICA is by Atom Egoyan. this lowly atom is my entire Sun, because he is by far one of my favorite directors. nobody makes movies quite like he does, it's a very distinctive style that i adore.

the key word to this film and my review of it will be MOOD. mood, atmosphere, this film has it in spades, the air here is heavy, charged with sexual energy, with the possibility of lust and happiness, but also of bad decision-making and a hopeless outcome. the scenario centers around the Exotica Club, a beautiful adult club that far surpasses your typical strip club. this place is filled with beautiful scenery, a watery sky, and most of all, the alluring MIA KIRSHNER in her best performance ever. the way she captures her character's too-young-to-be-that-sexy trance of seduction, mixed in with a child-like innocence and the needs of any young girl to be loved by her father, is just brilliant.

again, i don't want to give away too much of the plot, i'd rather just talk about how i felt as i was watching this. i mean, yes, there's MIA, there are scenes in a pet-store aquarium that are dark, the good kind of dark, like the black paper used to make BATMAN THE ANIMATED SERIES, there's a poignant scene of a man quietly enjoying a stage production, seemingly to himself as he moves his fingers to the beat, and there's ELIAS KOTEAS, i'll get to him later. again, though, as i was moved by this, it was the atmosphere of the surroundings which took me to a deep level. the only comparison i can draw is when i'm playing one of the favorite ZELDA video games. when i'm really into the game, i actually feel that i am Link in Hyrule battling the monsters. i've often said that my version of Heaven would be my spirit eternally in the real world of the fictional world of the video game, i could strive and thrive there forever. whereas HELL for me is other people, having to eternally conversate with others in awkward, interminal small-talk, i'm very SARTRE like that :)

EXOTICA's characters are caught up in this atmosphere, too. there's a sense of foreboding, the skies always seem to be grey, everyone is moody as they say their lines, they know that great, ugly truths are about to be revealed about themselves that they don't want to hear and acknowledge. i must say, ELIAS KOTEAS gives one of the greatest performances in silver screen history as the character of the manager of the Exotica Club. maybe because i'm a (hack) wordsmith as well, i can relate to him fully. see, every night, elias's character gives a very heartfelt, serious speech using his microphone about the situation at his club, with the sexy dancers dancing for lonely businessmen, nights frittered away trying to glean some satisfaction of one's lustful desires, communication problems, and human comfort and emotion. elias waxes philosophical about the nature of sexual desire, especially of wanting forbidden fruit like MIA, what it really means when a man looks upon a vision of unspoiled beauty like MIA (well, as we learn later, unspoiled perhaps only physically), of men wanting to take it and have it and conquer it, but then nurture it, and how the taboos only heighten the spark in the air, and the desire of the unattainable drives one to act crazy and fatalistic. you can tell the elias character works on his speeches, they illuminate the otherwise tawdry exploits at the club, they inject them with a grandeur of insight and collective human understanding.

so many dreamy sections to the film, especially when it gets into a certain searching for a missing person which i won't spill, and an ending which attacks you with vigor and a combing back through of all you've witnessed as you stare at that slightly creepy house at the end, and it's so worth it, it's all worth it to the point that you feel orgasmic afterwards...i sure did, this movie and chocolate, better than sex as they say, a film about sex :)

so please, on a day when you're feeling bored and lonely, pop this in the old VCR and press PLAY, you won't be disappointed. if you want to discuss the film, or why you or i are especially bored and lonely that day, feel free to email me. discover some place new today, in honor of COLUMBUS, and go buy an ipad in memory of JOBS.


Wednesday, October 5, 2011



first, click on the Unknown Comic to open up the new series


brown paper bag uses:

* during shame sex, shamed because of your religion, you put the bag over your own head

* during kinky sex, you put the bag over your own head...just 'cause that's kinky to you


* lunch, man, lunch! you remember back in the day, you wake up bright and early for another day at the ol' assembly line, you're brimming with confidence that this time Mr. Stone will notice how hard you're working at breaking those rocks and he will finally grant you that pack a light brown-paper-sack lunch of yogurt, milk, and grilled cheese?

* blow into bag, keep blowing, fill it up with air...then...POP!!!!!!

* same as above, except replace air with vanilla pudding

name a time in your illustrious life when it just wasn't your day, you weren't feeling like the invincible god or goddess that you usually are, and you did something in the heat of the moment which you were so embarrassed about that you felt like putting a brown paper bag over your head and scooting out of town.

Monday, October 3, 2011


so it seems that rob ryan of the cowboys put a pic of diora baird on his play chart (LAST PIC). this is an old story, you've already heard all of the immediate reactions and puns. it must be really FUN to work for ol' rob, he's really DRILLING the message home to his players, there's been an inordinate amount of players needing to go number THREE in the cowboys locker room, etc etc. so, this simply affords me an excuse to post a lot of pics of the voluptuous diora...oh yeah, DIORA THE EXPLORER, that one i sniped from jim rome. yeah, i mean, it's not like i need a concrete excuse to post pics of babes, that's my forte anyway, it's just that it's fitting with recent events. y'know, it's hard to post timely things concurrent with important world events like this, you have to make prudent decisions on cutting the fat and really blogging about the stuff that matters to your readers at a particular moment in time. man, i am so buzzed off the ibuprofen i've been taking, been sick all weekend, my entire body aches, terrible headache, and they ran out of the only medicine that works for me, VANQUISH, man i love those pills. i even had to shower for two straight days because i felt so weak, i haven't done that in decades. i even considered drawing for myself an oatmeal bath, but only if the oatmeal came with cinnamon...and Cinnamon the local Call Girl. the thing is, i don't think even the impossibly full DIORA can save the cowboys' season. i mean, what was that yesterday, huh?! come on!!! you let the once-0-and-16 detroit lions come back on you to win?!, i'm out of it, i feel like brian taking those shrooms on that FAMILY GUY episode last night...i'm like an old ANDY ROONEY giving his last essay, only i think i'm about to deliver my very first essay...