me: i'm Dutch you see.
Jen R: i'm Rick Blaine. let's go into Janet's flower shop to see how she's doing.
Janet Wood: hi guys, thanks for caring. yeah i'm a little better.
Jen: why do you keep your tulips behind frosted glass like that? it's a cool little cold sauna shower mist spritz i'd like to partake in.
Janet: tulips don't like prying eyes peeping them naked.
Jen: tulip bath.
me: do you have any Dutch flowers? i'd like to express the love i have for this woman beside me.
Janet: aw that's sweet. looking at your face i'm seeing peony.
me: yeah that's about right.
we listen to a vinyl of Gish.
D'arcy: "my heart, my sacred heart."
Jen: your voice is so pretty. why didn't they use you more?
D'arcy: Billy Corgan used me like a wet tissue. i suffered a miscarriage during Mellon Collie. but i couldn't tell anyone about it, i just had to work through it to complete the album, the fucking DOUBLE album!!! Billy wrote all the songs so he was a tyrant in the studio, he regarded the other 3 of us as the house band.
me: my skin tags were DEAD CENTER on my back, i had to use one arm to scratch up as i dabbed the dot of tea-tree oil with the cloud of cotton swab on my spine, the whole process was ridiculous.
Jen: i have a skin tag on my thumb. it's better not to touch it, don't rip it off, don't test the scab, don't poke the bear. scars are cool but they're not worth it. think of skin tags as beauty marks.
Dexter Holland: eras. you FEEL different eras at different times. like that one summer when EVERY SINGLE TEENAGER IN THE UNITED STATES had The Offspring Smash record. that was a unifying experience, that brought the country together, people together.
Paul: speaking of Noodles, i slurped that guy in an alley fight in Orange County. i don't need no skateboard, i use my bare hands. when the toilet BELCHES afterwards holding its breath, it's working.
Dip & Squeeze: ketchup pool.
the Burger King at the Indian place: i have no idea if that was a burger or a chicken sandwich. but it was delicious.
Jennifer Warnes: did i fuck Leonard Cohen? yes.........the sex was gravelly.........i was still a lesbian after that.
Leonard Cohen: i just needed a lozenge.
Joe Cocker: cock her?
Jennifer Warnes: yeah it just did nothing for me, Joe. you're a sweet man tho, Joe. Kurt Cobain, now THERE was a real man.
Boc: i need Chunky Filas for my walks. they're platform shoes, right?
Smurfs: for those not in school anymore, it's a good education in the four seasons, forestry, alchemy, blueberries, and blueberry muffins.
Julie Patzwald: our new goth band name: Vinegary Coffins.
Josh Mamaclay: mama said knock you out. Cassius Clay. my vocabulary is so extensive you need to be an English professor to be a chef. exact measurements? nah, just use "some".
Bianca Borges: look DEEP into my eyes.........i'm beautiful, i'm gorgeous, i'm the Asian Judy Garland.
Paul: that cute little poo submarine who pokes his head out for a peek from under the toilet bowl, leave him there, DON'T use the plunger on him.
Super Mario: what tool do you use to tighten a toilet flusher?
Paul: wrench.
Suzy Lu: my computer chair screwed my back all up. this computer chair gave me scoliosis.
Steejo: i know, i did that so i could give you back rubs.
Suzy: luckily, i get all my back massages at Tai's from Kakashi.
Steejo: dammit.
Kakashi: all ninjas learn back therapy early as part of their covert training. if you're not proficient in posture, you won't win a ninja war.
Suzy: back rubs are kinda like sex but not really.
David Plouffe: can someone give me a back rub? i got the worst kink.........i'm Bayliss from Homicide: Life on the Street...
Kyle Secor: i left acting to be a dad. i excelled in two fields. and i do a lot of fishing in Tacoma with Kurt.
Kurt Cobain: Kyle Secor, i can't look at your face for too long or i get this overwhelming flooding desire to kiss you on the lips, you are so DANG ADORABLE. i am gay in spirit after all, that was bisexual in the '90s. the fish swim upstream when the waterfall is strawberry milk.
Spire Global: the real-life Pinkerton Detective Agency.
Sherlock Holmes: no you fellows cannot buy me out. i don't need fancy speedboats, i swim in the Thames.
Doctor Who: ...
Doctor Who: i swam in the Seine and it forced me to Regenerate early.
Don Henley: i did the MMM-MMMs first in "Boys of Summer" before Bruce's "Streets of Philadelphia."
St. Ella: my brother is Marlon Brando.
Marlon Brando: i yell out when i pray.
Messi: the stars are out.........as in they're playing, they haven't gotten red-carded and are not playing.
soccer stars on the pitch: so it's Ted Lasso but not...
Coco Gauff at Wimbledon: look at my blonde Serena hair!!! i'm READY to win this.
Pee-wee Herman: no more silly voices, i do Grantchester now. is my daughter here?
Jen R: i'm here, dad!!! can you believe i found this empty British country estate to crash?
ranch-dressing McDonald's little sauce tubs: the bane of my existence.
Tiafoe slips on the wet Wimbledon grass, Alcaraz helps him up.
Tiafoe: wait but touching your opponent before the end of the match is bad luck.
Alcaraz: i'm Carlitos, baby, good sportsmanship counters John McEnroe's black magic.
John McEnroe: not now, fellas, i'm vulnerable, i thought Andy Murray was my friend.
Andy Murray: lick your wounds with some scones, you prat brat.
Paul: i inadvertently blessed you, i was thinking of how to fix the flusher and told you how to PUSH it for a LONG time down through osmosis.
me: lucid dream.
Paul: back in my day it was called osmosis. Osmosis Jones is my huckleberry.
Paul: it's scary, you push down and the water comes BUBBLING up, you think it's gonna flood the fuck outta your bathroom, but the Noah's Flood eventually goes down. the Ark was real.
Uncle Jam: take down the fucking bunting!!! that was yesterday, the day is over. i'm going to Lucky JUST to get one cube of individually-wrapped cheese slices.
Karnov at the deli wearing a DoorDash hat: cheese me please.
Princess Peach: i don't like sports. but i really get into soccer, you know?
me: you're my dream topping.
Jen R: you're a trifle.
me: sorry.
Jen: no that means we're perfect for each other, the perfect match. Brit dessert. like a fat kid to cake.
Stewie from Family Guy: dream whip, i was hoping it was the other thing but it's that thing...
light portal: the heaviest decision you will ever make is to enter this.........it's a portal of light...
Milton Keynes: i'm not a person? i'm a place?
London: i have a skyline?
NYC: yeah, you're just like me.
Eye Luggage: Vanishing Point and go.
Anthony Bourdain: this is my favorite film of all time. it's Existential. it's boring as fuck but keep with it till the end...
Jean-Paul Sartre: like me. you only understand me after i die.
Kowalski: i was your classmate at Crespi...
Barry Newman: i'm the Brady Bunch father.
Takahashi: how fast does this baby go?
Barry Newman: my car goes 160 mph. WITHOUT a souped-up extra engine, take that, Two-Lane Blacktop.
Barry: my car is only meant to drive safely on desert roads.
Gorillaz: ...
Kowalski: got any uppers?
Jake: yes, i played NBA basketball in the '70s.
Kowalski: Benzedrine?
Jake: just drink coffee.
Kowalski: i was Charlie Sheen but i was HONORABLY discharged from Vietnam, i did a Twilight Zone in the '80s about it...
Eye: and now this is a Primus dirt-car race music video.
Kowalski: these aren't my drug hazes, they're my memory flashbacks...
Laertus: WHAT?!!! this guy was a COP?!!! no wonder he's all screwed up now, his values and cop values have different-colored lines. has there ever been a hippie cop?
Mr. Kotter doing Hair: no.
McGruff the Crime Dog: i mean think about it, he gets let go from the police force for preventing the rape of a helpless young girl by a superior cop officer...
after the Jaguar race.
Kowalski: i'm really sorry about that. actually can i drive to Britain? i like your government now. no need for a tip, i tipped you over.
Steven Spielberg: this, Duel, the '70s were the decade where you could get an aspirin at a diner.
Super Soul: if this movie deserved an Oscar, it was for ME. the last American hero is a roadster, it's what Kurt Cobain called freedom. why is this hick town so scared of me? does this abandoned shit pit of a town worry we'll see through its values? i mean the band Live have already decided it won't be performing here. are you scared that i'm a black man of great erudition, pronunciation, diction, and elucidation? i'm smart, intelligent, quick, i use references you don't get. music schooling makes me a faggot? are you terrified that i make you THINK?...
Cleavon Little: i mean how WEAK is it to send the goon squad to arrest me, a blind man?...
John Amos: are these honkies men of culture? are we the only fans of DJ Dr. Johnny Fever?
Eye: and now this is Northern Exposure. and now this is the Gorillaz "Stylo" music video.
Super Soul: KOW. as in KA-POW, Adam West Batman. let's be honest, everybody wants to do this to cops at some point in their life.
prospector: this is a real snake. i hate snakes. i had to get through my snake demons to land this part in the audition. aversion therapy my ass. an actor's life is bullshit.
Kowalski: any wisdom, old man?
prospector: the way out is through.
Trent Reznor: that won't help him at the end of the movie.
Mr. Kotter: Christian hippies, is that a thing? this Revivalist concert is a poor man's Woodstock in the desert. they're not very nice Christians, i thought you let everyone in, all strangers. the leader looks like the nerd with glasses i beat up in school when i was a Sweathog.
JUST MARRIED on a car with two gay men in 1971: revolutionary.
gay men: you thought cuz we were gay we were incapable of robbing you at gunpoint? our wrists were too weak and filled with lilies to hold a gun?
Kowalski: fellas, can we call the whole thing off? i'll drive you to San Francisco, the land of milk and honey at this time.
Kowalski: you're an angel for giving me these pills to stay awake.
Elizabeth Berkley: i gave Angel those caffeine pills. ironically i'm not the one who gets naked in this.
Kowalski: i don't need any more pills, just direct me to the nearest roadside Denny's that serves aspirin.
Elizabeth Berkley: i went to UCLA...
naked woman on motorcycle: i say many profound things. but did i really need to be naked for an extended period of time as i'm saying these profound things?...
naked woman on motorcycle: is there anything you desire? even just fun?
Kowalski: is sex the ultimate thing in life?
naked woman on motorcycle: well it can't be death.
Phil Hartman: sorry, the cops had me by the throat, i had to do an impression of Super Soul...
Super Soul: hey that's cool, man, you do celebrity impressions so that means i'm a celebrity now!!!
Mel Blanc: Phil Hartman, Man of 1000 Voices...
at the roadblock with two bulldozers.
Kowalski: this looks like a Transformers toy set on Christmas morning in 1985.........if i hadn't died before having a kid...
Kowalski: can i get through this hole? with a little Crisco from Cisco?
Sisqo: ...
Kowalski: wait what does this hitchhiker have to say? what is your wisdom, young one?
Charlotte Rampling: you can only get my words if you went to Britain.
Kowalski: why'd i do it? i GENUINELY thought i could make that jump.........that i could go through that tiny hole.........Freudian...
Kowalski: that little glint of light is Heaven, i'm going towards Heaven, both meanings...
Kurt Cobain: freedom, both meanings...
Pee-wee Herman: this is the type of movie that was only shown in pornographic theaters.
Kurt Cobain joins the desert Revivalist band in singing "Nobody knows, nobody sees, till the light of life stops burning, till another soul goes free."
Morrissey: ...
Sartre: see? g'night folks.
Anthony Bourdain with a tambourine: do NOT go out in a blaze of glory like this!!!
Jen R: it was just bizarre.
me: yeah, all us kids in the '90s.
Jen: we all wore plaid shirts and jeans.
me: flannel in Florida.
Jen: we all looked like lumberjacks. it was weird but cool.
the two of us behind frosted glass by the fire surrounded by a tulip bath.
me: happy weekend, my babies.
Jen: okay what's on the TOMORROW menu?
Mark Hapka: Yoda tells me that if you substitute the Double Cheeseburger from Burger King with the Double Whopper, you'll enjoy a more satisfying meal. you'll get full. all monks develop eating disorders. fuck asceticism, you gotta EAT.
Yoda: a meal with more heft that is. pounds you will gain. i'm just talking like i have a British accent...
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