E.Z. Taylor: okay so what do we do?
Jack Tripper: we gotta break in to Janet's flower shop. it's not a crime if it's a mental health check.
E.Z.: gotta love Covina, so laidback.
when they get there Janet is speaking in tongues.
Janet: i sound like Blofeld. and i think i like it.
Jack: Janet, what happened to you? i care about you. i never took you for a paint huffer.
Janet: i huff the spores of Satan i mean my tulip dendrils.
E.Z.: Jack, what do we do? Janet has locked herself in the shop with her tulips. all the entrances are locked with flowers!!! how are we gonna get Janet to the doctor? it's a San Diego doctor but still.
Jack through the locked door: Janet, we're taking you to Terri, she's a doctor now, she was too sexy to be a nurse. you don't mind a bit of broken glass bits? the windows need to be smashed.
Billy Corgan: that's not funny.
Jack: your tulips are housed in glass anyway, right?
E.Z.: i know what i have to do. i'll strap Janet to my surfboard and glide her gently as the board surfs the wave of the flowers and then coasts on the waves of the ocean. to the emergency room. through the roof.
Janet: my roof is blocked with flowers, both meanings. i need someone to blow me out. Santa told me to eat grass at the mall when i was a girl.
Terri: my doctor's office is in the middle of the bay. on stilts. California-style.
Janet: blow me out with sauerkraut.
at Jack's Bistro.
Jack: that was some shit this morning, i need to calm down. want some food or something?
Mr. Furley: look at my body, i don't eat. i've never eaten food in my life. i only drink. spirits. and spirited drinks like ginger ale.
Jack: how about some picky bits? picky bits sounds like Amy Winehouse. i'm sure i got some leftover Steak-Umms in the fridge.........up, no i do not, it's the '80s, i forgot.
Sous-Chef Amy Winehouse: i ate all the Steak-Umms, boss.
Nigella Lawson: you know what picky tea is, chap? that's when i suck your tiny teabag.
Mr. Furley: how did i suddenly become a chick magnet in old age? i always had a goofy face.
Nigella: it's that mondo dogpatch ascot you wear, Ralphy, it drives me wild.
Mr. Furley: speaking of wild-caught, remember Snappy the Smurf? the blue boy who was a Smurf fish in the blue water. Snappy Smurf, that's our son, Nigella. i was a fish in the '60s and you have that '60s bird look.
Jen R: i got a donut in my tire. not the tasty kind.
Homer Simpson: get your own Marge, me.
me: that sucks. this is why i don't drive.
Jen: tires are expensive.
me: i know nothing about cars, i gave up my man card on that one a long time ago. let's go to the beach, sunny morning, not too hot, like me.
Jen: i don't cry much at the beach.
i hug Jen and never let her go.
me: don't cry, we'll get through life together.
me: i want to CUDDLE with you in our love shack forever.
Jen R: are you in it for the long run?
me: yes. Lode Runner.........no wait that's something else.
Jen: sounds dirty. you mean Logan's Run.
Eva Longoria: the oldest cave painting ever depicts a woman and her Flaming Hot Chicharrones.
Boc: you can FEEL in the morning when you're in your bed before you open the drapes whether it's gonna be a sunny morning or an overcast morning.
William Shakespeare: that's called reading the room.
Paul: when it comes to toilets, resetting is more important than the chain.
Stevie Nicks: ...
Stevie Nicks: resetting your life.
Colonel Sanders: i'm gingerly looking at that pretty New Mexico Land of Enchantment license plate when a seagull poops on my head.
Shelley Duvall: it's Brewster McCloud in real life up in here!!!
Colonel Sanders: i lived 90 years before a bird shit on my head.
Lucio Rossi: they say it's good luck. a bird poo'd on my head in kindergarten, it was slimy and disgusting and the kids all laughed at me. as an adult in therapy i'm slowly realizing bird poo is glistening and majestic.
Colonel Sanders: i'm going to Carmel Beach so i won't get poo'd on again.
Jack Tripper: the seagulls at Carmel Beach only fly in a line drive.
Sundance Goddess Elshea: i eat Clint Eastwood for breakfast.
seagull: beakfast.
Clint Eastwood: the Mets are my favorite team. what can i say, i live on the coast. in baseball, E is not an error, it's elite.
Michael Weiss: approaching new women on Instagram is hard, what's your secret?
Boc: i comment on her blouse.
seal: we're the dogs of the sea.
Jacques Cousteau: yes but i'm the seadog.
Clark Kent on a farm in Kansas: the word Ohio looks like a tractor.........Superman will never be able to figure that out.
Pati Jinich: i got sneaky-big tits, they're like two balls of masa BEFORE you flatten them into two tortillas.
Chipotle: i'm so summer-horny it's embarrassing.
Bjork: i'm actually 1000 years old.
Gladyce and Doryce: back then all the crones were sugarcubes in Bjork's pantry in her mushroom cottage.
Bjork: there was no day back then, only night.
Bjork: my pussy tastes like a sugarcube, never sugar-free.
Hayao Miyazaki: know why all anime seasons are 13 episodes? Japanese don't scare easily, we're not scared of the Number 13 like you stupid Americans. now if an anime season was 4 episodes, that would be troubling.
Alexi Lalas wearing red Chunky Filas: i'm the soccer scold. but these kids today need a swift kick in the pants. people forget, the U.S.A. once got to the SEMIFINALS OF THE WORLD CUP!!! i feel ALIVE when i do the grocery shopping!!! i use only my head to grab the groceries. like my ginger Van Dyke beard? this is how Vincent van Gogh REALLY looked like.
Albert Einstein at the Euros: as you can see, i'm on Turkey's sideline versus Austria. mathematics began in Turkey. i love turkey sandwiches.
Spalding Gray: i was inner-directed, blame my mom. i still couldn't type with a PC. my death makes sense: my plaid shirt. water was such a symbol in my life and work: i constantly drank it when i monologued, and i was surrounded by it in Cambodia. macular pucker is not a French kiss. i could never see my lifepath clearly.
Donald Duck: come on, big boy, kiss me before you kiss the rat.
Spalding after kissing Donald Duck on the beak: i'd give my fellow Denny's dishwashers blow-by-blow accounts of my day to keep ourselves entertained in a dead-end job. as a commune we collectively decided to kick out the dishwasher known as Ralph Bakshi.
gumpaste: this is an anime crisis. the California brown grizzly Gummi bear better be back in time where it belongs and not extinct. some sugar was never meant to be eaten.
Andy Murray: Saturday surgery?...
Chris Evert: Wimbledon is the only place that has green flowers.
Baywatch: see that was the thing tho, the red swimsuit was never a bikini.
Banksy: massive panic attacks? listen to Massive Attack, soothing music.
90 Day Fiance: The Other Way: this is EXACTLY my situation.
Hayao Miyazaki: the Sakura Tram is not for those Naruto nerds. where did all of Japan's streetcars go? i was hoping to catch my favorite naked wrestling girl in a streetcar.
Tennessee Williams: not exactly A Streetcar Named Desire.
Billy Corgan: "Mourning Dove" should have been a Smashing Pumpkins song by now...
Shelley Duvall in Twilight Zone "A Saucer of Loneliness": Dragon Ball Z Spirit Bomb at the end. you see that quick improv i did at the diner? i'm so nervous that a man asked me out on my first date ever, i scrub that table unconsciously so hard he has to lift his arms in time.
Ronald McDonald: you're doing it right when all that foam's in your mouth, when you brush your teeth you should look like a clown.
outhouse in the middle of a meadow: not for public use, the home of the meadow troll.
Boc: the meadow got a haircut...
seagull: the primal scream of a bird. i sit on top of the Strange Tower because this is the perch of power.
Super Mario: my gums are bleeding. should i go to the dentist?
Paul: no, do it yourself. what's the matter, too many spicy mushrooms?
Super Mario: that's wassamatter.
me: with my dirty white T-shirt, frizzy fro of head hair like a sweaty forest, and a disastrous Van Dyke beard, i look like Zod.
Rafa Nadal: can't kneel. bad knees.
me: Jon Hamm is my inspiration for old dad.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: i am the COUNTER MIRROR to David Spade when it comes to Eddie Murphy. i'm a professional, i make sure not to break so that good Eddie Murphy comedy gets immortalized on screen on the first take.
Eddie Murphy: what up Spade? that was an in-house joke. keep it in the family, dude. i saved SNL. i saved NBC!!! you know i have a mean streak, you don't want me telling jokes about your sister.
David Spade: call me American Stud and we're even.
Megan Thee Stallion: why didn't that white girl control her dragon with a tennis ball before it ate her? not the fun Stallion ate out. imagine if the Baywatch red swimsuit had been a bikini tho...
JPMorgan Chase: presenting Life: as told in the style of an Americana R.E.M. music video.
Terrence Malick: i don't want organic hippie lettuce, i want the hippie lettuce Shel Silverstein had.
Target Lady.
Kristen Wiig: circle is spelled cirkel. Turkey Days at Target, the spokesperson for Target should be the Target Turkey. durler is that woman with the Frankenstein forehead and baby hands.
Robin: see? my baby hands weren't that bad.
Paul: turlet.
back at Janet's flower shop.
Janet Wood: thank you all for thinking of me. caring for me. it was touch and go for several hours there but Terri saved my soul. i feel a bit myself. not better but myself.
E.Z.: there's one way to know if you're all the way back: what's the most beautiful thing in the world?
Janet: a McDonald's ketchup packet.
E.Z.: she's back.
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