me: well shit we're on the moon.
Jen R: relax, this is where you've always wanted to be.
me: i mean maybe? what is there to do here?
Jen: see those two spiders forming a family over there on that hole?
me: this warms my heart, i saw a spider on my shower screen, i turned my head and he was gone. i felt so bad, i thought my friend the spider had died.
Freud: you're just avoiding human relationships.
David Bowie: meet the spiders Statler and Waldorf, they are my masters.
me: there was a BIG-ASS SNAIL WITHOUT HER SHELL on my shower screen!!!
Jen: did you feel so bad?
me: i wanted to do right by her, i scooped her up into a tissue...
Jen: that is so symbolic of you and women.
me: and i scooted her outside.
Jen: but where'd you LEAVE her?!!!
me: in the dirt next to our parked $2000 car. i figured the asphalt was a no-no, too hot in summer. dirt is cool, right? both meanings?
Martha Stewart: ...
Jen: you should have left her in the GRASS...
snail: yeah, give me some pretty flowers to look at, live in, and make a family in.
Jen: you see the grey morning dove perching in the night light of the moon?
mourning dove: call me Billy. the surface of the moon doesn't exist, it's all one big sponge...
Jen: we gotta go back. we gotta get supplies. and by supplies i mean BREAD.
Jen grabs me by the ascot and throws me in the backseat. she rolls all the windows down in this lunar atmosphere so our car windows just look like holes.
me: this car so filthy it needs a carwash.
Jen: no man, it's misted by a lunar waterfall in the sky. can't you smell the air?
me: it smells like cheese.
Jen: i'm lowering the boom.
Jen lowers the lever on the LEFT turn-blinker and waits.
we appear in the Safeway parking lot.
me: that's lucky.
Jen: skill. let's get one of those LONG baguettes the length of a grocery-store aisle for Olympics-watching, i wanna eat it IN ONE GULP like in cartoons.
me: don't eat all the food now, we won't have any for the Opening Ceremony and rugby.
Rigby: i was on that Zom 100 Akira Tendo's team. it's hard to believe but i went to college for this...
we make a left at The Bagel Bakery.
Jen: wait a second, you can't fool me, you're talking to a hardcore Marylander here. with a sensitive palate. and a swirly palette. let me have one more free sample.
blonde mean Ms. Frizzle: sample not a whole bagel.
Jen: where are these from?
blonde mean Ms. Frizzle: the California wheatfields. amber waves of grain.
Jen: nah, these are Towson Hot Bagels!!! i ate these bagels when i was a kid, when my parish priest still cared. well at least your delivery trucks have taste. okay, bread shopping over.
at the motel opposite Safeway, David Bowie is fucking Skylar. Skylar turns her head to speak with him.
Skylar: shoot your cum in my mouth. i'm embarrassed about my face freckles.
David Bowie: am i doing this right?
Skylar: you can only cum if you do me anal...
at the same motel one door over, Gwen Stefani is fucking Ed from the band Live.
Ed: i turn my head...
Gwen: don't speak.
Jackie Fitzgerald: if the new guy's giving you a shadowbox, just make sure YOUR shadow doesn't end up in his box.
Trent Reznor: i hear that, sister. we're closer because of this.
Steejo: wanna go on a date behind Kakashi's back?
Suzy Lu: do you have the Hurling Channel?
Steejo: strangely i do not...
Kakashi: it's okay, Suzy, experiment with Steejo, see how he tastes, see how the other side lives, Naruto Shippuden is coming to an end after being on the air for 100 straight years, it's time for me to branch out, it's time for me to get with Lupin III...
simurgh: i'm dating Pete Davidson.
Pete Davidson: it's not a true French Onion Soup without the pulled cheese.
simurgh: that's the move. what happened to the Egg in a Hole at Taco Bell?...
simurgh: know why the Smurfs always won? Gargamel never found me...
simurgh: pulled cheese prevented a cold war.
Dr. Noonian Soong: pullable cheese is what separates us from the robots.
Pete Davidson: i should play Data in the reboot...
simurgh: the phoenix has lost its luster, not exotic enough.
me: can you zhuzh me up for my high-school prom at age 60?...
Popeye: i should have named you Egg in the Basket.
Swee'Pea: Denny's tacos, think about it...
David Bowie: who had the better bucket hat?
Akira Kurosawa: you did.
David Bowie: imagine me as a jazzman.
George Michael blowing a sax: ...
Boy George: "Time" is the greatest song of all time.
Jen R at Cannery Row: nighttime drunks are mean. you gotta join in with them to be safe, become one with them, become a drunk, at least fake that you're drunk with them...
Takahashi: you've never been to the fancy swanky side of Oakland...
Rubikon: try the gumbo ramen.
Takahashi: have you ever eaten at a museum restaurant?...
Andy Warhol: yup.
Joe Burrow: imagine Eminem swole...
AYSO: but we're all volunteer coaches...
500 seagulls: hear all the birdcalls? it's a colloquy of cackling, a squawk box, a family get-together, a San Diego comic con. Sand Diego.
Hyde: morning call...
Eddie Murphy: a family barbecue.
Jack Tripper: only in San Diego, the only place on Earth to get happy about.
Jacques Pepin: soak the stale bread in water and put it in the toaster.........wait that can't be safe...
David Foster Wallace: i'm either encyclopedic or crazy. Fosters Freeze has lousy meatloaf.
Earth: quick, get to the Moon!!! my rotation is off, i'm slowing down, i can't control it...
Jules Verne: there's a McDonald's down there in the Earth's core with Land of the Lost Happy Meal toys...
Burger King: we finally have a pink drink!!! Pink Sprite.
Dr. Dre: that's not...
McDonald's: do we have a strawberry shake?...
Dr. Rick: weather can be exciting...
Jim Cantore: if i'm in this commercial.
Dr. Rick: no, you bring everyone down, your generator commercial is dull as dirt. let's get Maria LaRosa in here for soccer highlights and Stephanie Abrams for the interview and Jen Carfagno to explain dew point.
woman: new flood alert in Louisiana!!!
Dr. Rick: that was Katrina. you suck.
Puck: there's a 40% chance the rain in San Francisco will fall as Windex...
Progressive whistleblower.
Jamie: can i get a lozenge and a spotlight?
Michael Stipe: "Losing My Religion" is about drinking too much purple drank in the South...
the two of us go back to the moon and the mare not on Mars for our picnic and watch party.
me: think the moon has good reception?
Jen: less expensive than Peacock. this place is giving me strong E.T. vibes. i had an E.T. foam finger growing up.
me: that thing ballooned. in value price on eBay.
Jen: film is my only sport. and this E.T. knit cap from Universal Studios in the '80s that i'm putting on my head now.
me: goes perfect with your pink grandma sweater. which i assume is knit.
Jen: i don't wear it to keep warm, the Moon isn't cold, it's just.........here.
E.T.: you wear it to attract me to you. i'm NOT asexual. to show you're one of those hardcore E.T. fans. and to attract Steven Spielberg, showing him your script for the sequel...
Jen: i wrote the first three pages here, turns out E.T. is a flower...
Lindy Lenz wearing a cute astronaut bubble around her head joins us.
Lindy Lenz: speaking of bread, ONE PANCAKE from Denny's feeds a family of 11 for a week.
Jen: Baltimorer to Baltimorer, high-five.
Lindy: do you know why San Francisco sourdough is so pungent? skateboarders' angst as yeast.
Jen: they let it all out when they go down those MASSIVE WIDE downhill streets.
Lindy: like tissue bread. when they rise, they can't be stopped, they overflow their tin bin.
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