Jen R arrives at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk in her Sharon Christensen black Popeye porkpie hat and red felt gloves.
Jen R: i am a dowager ready to golf. i'm in my full-body pink pajama onesie. my feet are connected to the rest of me.
me: there's such a wide gap between mini and real golf.
Jen: pay attention, my child, and you shall see, you shall glean the secret. look at my club. be the club, not the ball.
Jen R: like see that mini-golf obstruction yonder? it's a tree, like my family tree, full of nuts.
me: nuts, both meanings. why can't we both be related to Snoopy?
Jen: aposiopesis is not peeing with your penis, it's when i go .........
me: you still there?
Jen: loaded question. let's abseil off this cliff...
Jen R: remember pharmacy milkshakes?
me: yeah. the original soda shoppe. the early jerk shop, no offense to that It's A Wonderful Life villain.
Jen: i love that whole concept that ice cream is a form of medicine, ice cream is another prescription pile of pills. the world would be an easier place if everybody did E-scrip. i go for the brambleberry.
Ear Horn: oooh, rubus!!!
Lindy Lenz: so i told this guy i had 10 husbands, 19 wives, and 4500 kids.
me: as if you having 2000 kids would definitely get you on that date. would you like me if i had a Greek penis?
Lindy: a 40-year marriage is the ultimate thing two people can do in this world. it's the only thing that matters.
me: it's the only thing that lasts.
Lindy: a 40-year marriage is a living garden, it must be tended each and every day, not something to take for granted, let's not jinx it by discussing this further...
me: do you guys have cool monasteries in Baltimore?
Lindy: yeah, let's have lunch at the monastery like we were going to Denny's. let the two of us stay in one monk cell, the monks will DEFINITELY be down with that.
Abbot Butt: monks are cool like that. monks love all that stuff.
me: i love the shows we watch together.
Lindy: yeah but for the longest you thought Below Deck Med was a medical show like ER...
Lindy Lenz: you got a clear path with me.
me: *thinking*
Luka Doncic: no foul.
me: i haven't been to the dentist in decades, my teeth are old, i am old.
Jules Smith: look a gift horse in the mouth, you look at the horses's teeth, you inspect the horse's choppers to determine its age, it was bad form because you were saying the gift had problems, it had defects.
me: what can i learn from a horse to better my life?
Jules: the whole Trojan Horse thing wouldn't have happened if they had just looked in its mouth...
Jim Cantore: that thing when you're at the weather map pointing out all the cities the tornado COULD hit.........i feel like God...
Fuerza: yeah but have you had the McHam yet? i have.
at the '80s Vaporwave laundromat.
Bill Walton: make tie-dye shirts like this in the washing machine. i'm making this one for Bald Bull. use the agitator with the rubberbands and Easter-egg dyes like MacGyver.
Paul: does this work with incontinence blankets?.........can you tie-dye incontinence blankets?...
WGBH Boston: we invented neon...
Neil Diamond: not me?...
Dr. Johnny Fever: not me?...
Niagara Falls: we have rats. it's natural, it's important for the ecological chain. plant things. this is the most famous waterfall in the world, because it's a circle waterfall, the circle of life...
Rainbow Falls: what about OUR circle?...
Julia Child: weather is so important when you're cooking, don't cook ANYTHING if it's hot outside...
The Outer Limits: here's the part where the female partner reminds the male partner that his wife died two years ago and it's time for him to move on.........with her.........by fucking her...
Danny DeVito: have you ever heard of a taxi dancer?...
Mark Hapka's son with Maiara Walsh: 5:55, let's try this out...
Paul at the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland with a plunger: this house hates me...
Paul: NO PAPER NO PAPER!!! let the toilet rest for a day...
the Lucky Charms Leprechaun: remember, wash your whole bottle of Irish Cream after each use, under running cold-as-fuck water.
April: the 4th month, think about it...
Michael Imperioli: i was never afraid of getting whacked by the mob, i was afraid of turning into a vampire...
Polident: gingivitis is goth.
Greykid: Toonces teeth. hey is there a way for cats to get calm? calmers for cats?
Polident: Purina...
summers at Berkeley: bums standing menacingly over soda cans stomping them underfoot with their heavy tattered faded beige work boots on Telegraph Ave....
Paul: clear your pipes...
on Instagram.
stranger: do you remember me?
Michael Weiss: ...
Michael Weiss: *heavy sigh*
Turtle Jack's: imagine cruising ONLY the Monterey-area club scene.........that is true hell...
Al Pacino: tell me about it.
Martin Yan: i make the Caitlin Clark Heart with my oil in my wok to season it...
Abby Lampe: cheese-rolling is not fun, it's engineering.
Jules Smith: it's folk fun, not volleyball.
Abby: i'm gonna threepeat next year...
Jules: cheese-roll with that Kate Bush "Hill" song playing in your head.
Abby: this cheese wheel is too pungent.
Jules: nonsense, you're a fish, right? you're Don Knotts's daughter? just drink it fondue-style. the entire Baskervilles have fallen quiet, time for a year of silence for the wake...
Bustamante: Corona Extra is for crazy white folk on water skis. Corona Familiar is the real stuff from Mexico, por familia.
Lucio Rossi: how do i get out of the spam-call loop?!!! it's fucking Night Gallery in my head, spinning endlessly...
Paul: PEX pipe is the way to go. replace your 100-year-old copper pipes which are younger than me. of course you're not gonna be around here anymore, right?...
Hope Sandoval: you should have stayed at Berkeley, you would have had me, Uncatchable Hope Sandoval, as your wife...
Albert Einstein: time moves faster on the moon.........i did it all for Ben 10!!!
Leslie Sbrocco: don't talk to me about breast pumps. i can seduce you in 11 languages, and two French and Italian cheeses.
Mister Rogers: the language of L.A....
Leslie: i'm sticky? you don't know sticky till you've had a couple scotcheroos under your belt, Mister Rogers. at the beginning of each Check Please, i introduce the concept with a Three Stooges cross-armed handshake...
Minster: but have you tried Benedictine wine, baby? come to the dark monk side.
Leslie: yeah, dark-red blood grapes...
Mister Rogers: she calls me Master Rogers in bed. Mister Minster? stop playing with my trolley, son!!!
Minster: sorry, dad, i thought you were in the church before...
Suzy Lu in a plaid shirt: i'm finally getting around to getting into Nirvana. my generation missed so much...
Steejo: i kickbox to Nirvana music.
Kurt Cobain: that's not what our music is for. just don't use "Polly" for anything...
Bustamante: what's our new goth band name?
Julie Patzwald: Milk Bubble.
green avocado: see you're not supposed to eat me. let me ripen. you need to wait 4-7 days.
Oscar the Grouch: i can't wait that long, nimrod!!! peeling your hard-as-granite skin lopped my fucking finger off. i hope you're happy. i hope you're satisfied. Jim Henson voiced me on his angry days.
green avocado: wait till i turn Vaporwave purple...
Pati Jinich: i will pray to Avocado God for you to soften, Oscar.
Minster: ministerial is magisterial.
Mardith: ladies, the enemy is not men, the enemy is underwire.
Tina Fey: *closing her eyes and nodding her head*
Marie Tucek: my bra blew your tuchus away.
Mardith: or everybody could just wear a demi bra...
Julie Patzwald: or our band is Bad Bra...
Paul: if you run out of paint for the parking lanes, use masking tape...
Dirg: look, i know the Gaza thing is tragic, but do you find me sexually attractive?...
cumba: cum in the bedroom...
A Chorus Line: you WISH you had the '80s stones to watch this movie...
Eye Luggage: The Evil Dead and go.
Bruce Campbell: it's a nice easy life when you're childhood friends with Sam Raimi. i hit the friend lottery. i don't need to be Johnny Depp...
Laertus: i'll be honest with you, i've never gotten the whole horror thing, the horror genre. the horror fanbase is RABID, those horror fans go CRAZY. but why?
Eye: it's like you waiting in line at an Ingmar Bergman Con for Ingmar to sign your penis.
Ingmar Bergman: con, both meanings.
me: i have a deep affinity with Shemp, he was terrified to drive like me.
Shemp: my name is Sam.
John Belushi: i just feel for poor Shemp in that taxi, that could have been me, you know?...
Wolverines!!!: don't worry, this isn't Red Dawn, just five nice Michigan State college students having some fun in the weird woods. in the marshy mountains.
John Belushi: yeah it's more like Saturday Night Live's first episode. because isn't Evil Dead supposed to be a PARODY?...
Jen R: dude, don't attack the drawer, man, don't attack the sketchbook artist.
tape recorder: in the future, don't actually say the spell into the tape recorder...
Raymond Knowby: speak & spell, an '80s staple. i know...
crones: ...
Hayao Miyazaki: the tree rape wasn't THAT bad. it was basically tentacle hentai in real life, it was fine, it was fine.
Bruce Campbell: did i need to be thrown into a cabinet full of glass FIVE times?!!! what's up with my haircut?...
Richard DeManincor: not THAT's a last name...
Julie Patzwald: that wins goth name of the century. century media.
Sam: anyone up for a game of cards? UNO? let's pick up the mood on this set...
Ellen Sandweiss: i'm not dressing up as a Dune worm for you again...
Sam: no more sandwiches, i promise.
me: omg i remember Spades!!! remember Spades? remember UCLA drama camp in '80s summers?
Jen R: that's where i made my first bet. that's where i learned about gambling. the innocent days.
Deadite: not a refrigerator company.
Bruce Campbell: in hindsight, maybe i should have given my betrothed a bite shield instead of a mirror. who the fuck am i gonna marry now?!!! no i am not Joe Bob Briggs, stop asking me for my picks...
Bruce: wait, let me gaze at this Duel sunrise Dennis Weaver-style a bit more...
Stephen King: doesn't it seem The Cure should be on this soundtrack?...
Sam Raimi: how the hell, both meanings, did i go from Evil Dead to Spider-Man? from the indie-est of indies to the blockbuster-iest of blockbusters? from Super 8 marshes to summer mainstream. g'night folks. have a pleasant night, there's nothing to be frightened of.
Jen R and i are on a real golf course in Santa Cruz...
Jen R: Big Sur Beach Boardwalk, is that a thing?
me: Sam Raimi just peed in the sky and told me it was raining.
Jen: look, i'm using my putter as my only club, that's the best way to win at real golf...
me: you're correct, it's the best way to stay regular playing regular golf, it cuts down on the constant conundrum of choosing a club.
Jen: crisis at the club. high scores and holes-in-one will follow. champion hole.
Jen R and i by a fire in the middle of the golf course.
Jen R: a golf course is a really bad place for a fire. happy weekend, my babies. tomorrow: what we eatin'?
me: i lost my DoorDash gold card.
Lindy Lenz: can you get a Family Size of chips if you don't have a family?...
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