we're at the Berkeley Panera.
Jen R: i ain't foolin' this time. i'm gonna do it. i'm a shrewd businesswoman. not a skewed businesswoman. this bombshell food will put Panera on the map. again.
Mother Bread: the world's longest baguette wasn't enough for you people?!!! you ingrate students!!! i had the ideas for the Good Earth restaurant and Star Wars and everything.
me: yeah i was wondering about Panera, like, what exactly is a Panera?
Jen: they serve food. but get this: take a cold pizza meant for the oven and put it in the microwave. IT TASTES THE SAME!!! believe me i've tried it with my own home microwave. not in my own home kiln, i am a woman of the people.
Mother Bread: look at my hair, they are the flames of an oven. those aren't my tits, i'm pulling apart a loaf of bread. i don't know that this is gonna work.
Jen: hey at least your hair wasn't coming out of your mouth.
Jen R: have some, Mother Bread.
Mother Bread: i am so worried about my daughter the Starbucks Mermaid, it's her first day at college, she already hates her dorm RA, and i have no idea about technology, what is a phone? i send smoke signals to communicate about how to get the Pill in 2024.
Jen: the pizza is good, right?
Mother Bread: quite tasty, you can't tell the difference.
Mother Bread sticks a needle in Jen's thigh.
Jen: sister solidarity. that was not intravenous, cuz it hurt like a father.
Mother puts on her glasses to read the reading by pizza-lantern light.
Mother: you don't have anhedonia. you were telling the truth.
Jen: told ya. i don't use Ozempic, i can't stand that STICK. i don't have Ozempic Personality!!!
me: this is her usual lovable crazy self.
Mother Bread puts on her glasses. for real this time.
Mother Bread: i am the notary public of this place. do you affirm that i'm transferring ownership from me to you here?
Jen R: where do i put my fingerprints?
Mother: here. in triplicate. three thumbs.
Jen shoves me to the front.
Jen: you do it.
i press my thumb down in the inkwell and onto the tiny squares of the deed.
Mother: i can tell you've never been to prison before, you have no idea where to put your thumb. both meanings.
Jen: phew, that was a close one.
Starliner: i birthed R2D2 from out of Major Kusanagi's cybervagina.
The Outer Limits "Monster".
Harry Hamlin: it was either be here assassinating with my mind or they'd cut off my hands.
Ezri Dax: for stealing Blow Pops?
Harry Hamlin: i need my hands, i will inevitably fuck you later on in this episode, the sex would be tepid if i couldn't touch you.
Harry Hamlin: btw, you're blown away that i can act this well!!! you thought i was just Lisa Rinna's husband.
The Alan Parsons Project: cherish the love we have...
Pepsi Blue: like Grape Kool-Aid.
Smithers from The Simpsons: wait a minute, i'm Milhouse's father.
Suzy Lu: the reason i play video games for a living is when i was a wee lass my brother would come home from being a soldier depressed and the simple act of me playing video games in his room keeping him company soothed him.
Suzy's bro: my Scottish military company was pants.
Suzy: that warm blue video-game glow calmed the voices in his head. war, what is it good for again?
Jerry Seinfeld: i'm 70 years old. that's crazy.
Suzy: i try not to play war video games in front of him.
Kakashi: no WWII games, stuff like that. Ninja War games or Space War games are fine.
Gladyce: remember back in the day when all you cared about was receiving the newest issue of Nintendo Power Magazine in the mail while eating a whole bag of Reese's Big Cups.
Doryce: we had to know which new video game to buy each month!!! the only way to know was to see what was on the Nintendo Power cover in Claymation.
Takahashi: i wish you two were my grandmas.
Forever Young: sponsored by Nintendo.
Uncle Sigh: ...
Michael Jackson: know your ABCs in the '70s not the '80s, man.
Kentucky Derby: the Derby falls on May the 4th this year, no fascinators, Star Wars hats only.
Mark Hapka wearing a Yoda hat: ...
horses: no lightsabers as whips!!! in fact NO WHIPS EVER!!! there never should have been whips in the first place!!!
Paul looking up at the hazy sunshower sun: it's just enough to make you feel good. i tried NOT shaving my head.........it sucked.
Kurt Cobain: look at my long golden locks, i would have been the perfect seamless spokesperson for Vidal Sassoon.
Paul: i call you Goldilocks Cobain. marijuana grows best in a sewer. those aren't flag weights, those are my potato sacks filled with potatoes.
Spider-Man: i blame Veruca Salt's album American Thighs for everybody spelling my name wrong.
Nina Gordon: i look like Caitlin Clark.
the Tootsie Roll Pop Owl: give a hoot, don't pollute. i WILL perch on the surface of the ocean and get my feathers wet to stop trashy boaters from Florida.
Sterling Holloway: i voiced Woodsy Owl.
Chris Pine: before we begin, i don't do drugs. i'm 40 years old yet somehow i have a beard of white hair. the symmetry of clouds blew my mind so fucking hard it literally turned my penis into sparkle dust. my last moment of wash was in therapy, i haven't bathed in years. Duolingo is a form of soccer, right?
Dua Lipa: ...
Chris Pine: i sniff pinecones before each take.
Olivia Munn: have you ever fucked in a bed full of McConnell's ice creams and cookies?
Biff from Back to the Future: you drink SODA, McFly?!!! but it's so bad for you.
Marty McFly: it will cure my Parkinson's one day, nimrod. mother's milk certainly hasn't helped.
dad: Johnny Fever was every one of my classmates at Princeton.
Howard Hesseman: do you know what i'm a doctor of?
dad: love.
Howard Hesseman: i also earned my doctorate in airborne contagious infectious diseases.
Grant Achatz: i birthed E.Z. Taylor in the water, in the mouth of an ocean wave.
Anthony Edwards: unlike Michael Jordan, i don't gamble. i bet on myself. in the Oprah Winfrey sense. the MGM Lion? no i want a REAL LION!!!
Cinco de Mayo cerveza: served on Pac-Man tabletops.
Boc: dogwalkers, the bane of my existence.
Doctor Who: you took the long way round.
Scooby-Doo: can i cheer you up?
Boc: i had to take a detour. turns out the Big Sur Marathon was a detour.
Velma: see i only ever wanted to be the singer in a punk rock band. like these gas-station bike poles enrobed in skate stickers over here.
hot dog buns: there are never enough hot dog buns when there are enough hot dogs. there are never hot dogs when there are enough hot dog buns.
Tai: i want to live in a world where a woman can take a walk in the park alone and do her yoga alone on the park gazebo and then chuck a skipping stone on the placid lake alone.
Carmel: where the only neighbors you meet are the ones who serve you with papers.
Messi: this is how Pele was in the '70s with the New York Cosmos.
Vision Quest: ...
CHARMS Blow Pops: it's impossible to remove the wrapper, it always ends up a tiny skirt on the stick that's impossible to pull off.
Willy Wonka: they should just be candy balls.
sexual capital: can't get it at the ATM.
7-Eleven: we're not open from 7AM to 11PM, we're open 24 hours. especially in Japan.
te alabamos, senor: the love song to Bama from Doryce, but Doryce rightly left him long ago.
Taco Bell: don't worry, we're pairing our Aardvark Fries with a PBS Arthur tote bag because everybody misses Arthur and In-N-Out Burger still doesn't deliver.
Paul: are toilets supposed to trickle like that? i put a cheesecloth underneath your turlet. remember to flush ALL THE WAY DOWN, this ain't no automatic.
Paul: how do you recycle an old toilet?
Super Mario: is your toilet aluminum?
Paul: i'm donating it to Leonardo da Vinci, that hairy sonabitch could make marble treasure out of marble trash.
Silly Sauce: flavored with cuckoo bananas.
Link: i would totally watch a show about the denizens of Kakariko Village.
Oppenheimer: i needed a magic puff while tickling the dragon's tail. and some Red Dragon dank cheese from Boar's Head. why couldn't demon core be a cool thrash band?
porcelain: you wanna get porcelain jewelry? porcelain is the pee and poo stone.
Jack Tripper: yeah, ceramics, we did ceramics back at San Diego State night school. they had us painting flowers on toilets.
Maiara Walsh: yeah same. except in my case i was bronzing toilets.
Shaquille O'Neal: i liked my nicknames The Big Aristotle and Shaq, but i really just wanted to be called Downtown.
Leslie Sbrocco: spatchcocking, it's better than penne alla vodka.
spatch: to dispatch, nothing to do with Nickelodeon.
Amanda Bynes: all i remember were all the cookies and cookie sheet pans.
Bump: Biden's running a Gestapo Presidency. i admire him greatly for that.
Bob Ross: i do not look like Mel Gibson. please do not have Mel Gibson play me in the movie.
Mireille from French in Action meets with Mother Bread at the back of Jen R's new Panera.
Mireille: detente? i have the world's longest baguette in the trunk of my Peugeot.
Mother Bread: never mind that, how is my daughter faring at college?
Mireille: oh she's already participated in a Sophie's Choice threesome. ooh la la, she is so French.
Jen P and i at Panera.
Jen P: it will never make sense to me, weren't you in love with me?
me: i was getting there, it was SO CLOSE. but for whatever reason you just didn't get over the hump with me.
Jen P: but we humped every day. we humped instead of learned. couldn't we do a Great Yankee Wife Swap of 1972 or something?
Jen R: i'm down. Jen P isn't my type but i'm down. let's do it in the spirit of the 9/11 wives.
me: i don't know, threesomes are weird, not sexy.
Jen P: Jen R would swap you so you'd be my husband for life. i'm only doing this so my kids have a father!!! and Jen R could...
Jen R: who would i be left with?.........oh yeah, i forgot all about him!!! my man before you, before all of this happened.
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