AWE WALK

 

Jane Marx is in the first Panera's booth of Jen R's Panera era, standing up as she regales all the local patrons with her stories of old Hollywood.

Jane Marx: i don't want medication, i want to learn to like myself.

Jen R: that cuts deep. deeper than a drug needle. no more hard drugs for me from now on. just marijuana, which is soft and natural. i need to love myself. my REAL personality.

Jane Marx: listen up, i am a living testament, i am ancient wisdom.

Eddie Murphy: since this is World Donkey Day...

Lorne Michaels: nice try, Eddie, you ain't coming back to SNL. you had your shot and you blew it.

Eddie Murphy: but i never actually got directed by YOU, Lorne.

Jen R: are you seeing things after eating the oven pizza put in the microwave?

me: couldn't tell ya, babe, i don't like pizza anymore.

Jen: that's a lie for every human. my eyes are starting to shimmer like the kids in that M83 "Midnight City" video. i'm starting to see things on our beach walk.

me: they lie, a walk in the park ain't as easy as a walk on the beach. you're my one true love. 

Jen R: thanks for slipping that in there. like a slipstone. out of the blue.

Jen R: when i was pregnant i remember doing a lot of stuff with ski poles.

we walk past the Big Sur Bakery on fire.

Jen R: don't worry, folks, my eyes can see the future now. at last can see into it. your bakery will be rebuilt. might take a decade but you can't rush these things. first the Big Sur slipout has to undergo spaving. i'm seeing it will take a while. see? this was all because you used ovens instead of microwaves when cooking your pizzas.

me: those bakery pizzas are so cute.

Jen: it's a good thing y'all stayed in the over room. or under room. and then the Belem will come into port and save the day with Olympic Flame water form the Torch valve.

Cook from Skins: are you sucking my bellend in the last episode?

Mary Chapin Carpenter: i wish i had Karen's voice!!! where's my chapstick, i get chapped lips when i'm on This Old House. i'm from Princeton but i went to Brown. i'm a country singer but i'm really from New Jersey, you know? looking back, i should have remained single...

taco spread in a hollowed-out pineapple husk: it's not wing sauce, it's swing sauce.

Paul at the toilet: the morning flush is easy, it goes down smooth, it's the evening flush that's complicated, you have to stuff the toilet paper down.

Paul's wife: sounds like our marriage.

nightwatchman at a mall parking lot: night flush. it kills.

Paul: if i had installed a button instead of a flusher, it would have been easier.

Paul's wife: as seen in nature, a button is always more efficient.

Steve Albini: remember when PBS broadcast uncensored All in the Family?

Kurt Cobain: those were the days.

Leslie Sbrocco at Panera: an immersion blender, this is the ultimate vibrator. i sent one to my girlfriend Morgan Bolling.

Morgan Bolling: i'm not your girlfriend. we barely know each other. we're mere channelmates.

Leslie: i've been saying this for decades on PBS, i sent Julia Child an immersion blender for Christmas.

Julia Child: that's when i started spatchcocking.

Doryce: i've suddenly developed an interest in cooking.

Gladyce: as long as it's not a sodden interest, i hate when you drink. i told you to work on your food spells more, dear. the kettle is old hat, old witch-hat, a wok is where it's at.

Ear Horn: dearies all immersion blenders are half off at Pic-N-Save. i call them wands.

Paul by the toilet: remember, use only 2, TWO, toilet papers per flush.

Paul: i'm trying to get rid of this old toilet. i'll take it off your hands for $10,000.

the blue 1-800-GOT-JUNK? truck: is it alabaster from Alabasta?

Luffy: unload it, the toilet and the poo in your butthole.

Paul: can i get a discount? i'm an official Carmel Colorful Character.

King's Hawaiian Bread: the closet Safeway has to pan dulce.

Rally's: noon to 1PM is not the Promised Holy Land. do not talk of eating our nuggets in bed. that's when the junior cheerleaders from Sony High have lunch with us. go back to your wife.

Suzy Lu: i got your belter, i have you by a lot. i got the truth on my side.

Kakashi: but do you have my mask? do you have me by the mask?

Steejo: i'm jealous of your life with Suzy, Kakashi sir. i'd do anything to have your life. you go to bed after watching YouTube videos together. YOUR YouTube videos. in the SAME bed. what do i have to do to achieve this dream?

Suzy: like all my YouTube followers, 10 and 6 at McDonald's, minimum-wage McDonald's.

Kakashi: at least until McDonald's starts doing McAngus Burgers.

Oxonian: it has nothing to do with cattle. maybe with British angus burgers at McDonald's on campus. 

Michael Weiss: Princeton needs to develop a cool adjective like this.

Paul: you like when the toilet gurgles, don't you?

Mickey Mouse: hey, don't bury your batch of chocolate chip cookies in the cubbyhole behind your bed, i'll get to them and become a rat.

Chuck E. Cheese: now you know, this is what it feels like. rat in a cage. i'll trade your burrow for my Whac-A-Mole hole.

Steejo: yeah you guessed it, on top of everything else i work out in my office gym every morning 24/7. the gym is behind my home office. like my biceps?

Kakashi: your Scottish accent is enthralling.

Lorne Michaels: i'll just say it, the Oprah Winfrey SNL was weird.

RFK Jr.: a dead worm ate my brain. that's the only way anyone could ever find Dune interesting.

U-Box: the real sex booth.

Woody Allen: ...

Woody Allen: at Panera's?

The Pope: because i'm the first female pope, i sent my nuns away to a medical clinic so they could formulate and develop the first IVF treatments.

The Pope: GET THEE TO A LAB!!!

Shakespeare: ...

No7 Laboratories.

woman: i'm not scared of you when you say you'd have to kill me if you told the secret, because you said it in a British accent, it's like goofy James Bond spy stuff, you know?

Batman Beyond: i've never known a time when Batman was goofy. Batman villains are hardcore, man.

Adam West: MY villains weren't goofy, they were '60s.

Dupixent. 

Martha Stewart: if you can't lift a chair with a human in it, don't get married. 

dad teaching daughter to drive: don't say hi to your friends!!!

daughter: but i'm driving them to the mall later.

dad: malls are still a thing? wait a minute, you're too young to drive!!! you're just a kid!!!

at the haunted scream house.

son: that gave me such a startle, such an uneasy fright, a jolt without the fun of chugging down a Jolt Soda.

mom: Stanley? that's your father under that Snow White Witch makeup.

man: i have an important business meeting today, i'm gonna tell the chairman of the board i'm a bedwetter.

poolman: Chris Pine sniffs pinecones before each take. i'm not gonna clean the leaves out of this pool. they're golden-brown leaves, they're pretty and colorful, they remind me of Fall when my life was better.

Greykid: we cats don't wear that Cone of Shame, it's just stupid on cats.

Laertus: that was a cool angle they filmed that in, from the perspective of the portal of the Cone of Shame.

Louis C.K.: see me laughing in this cafe with two female friends? that's roaring laughter, belly laughter, roiling laugher. that was before all my troubles.

Tony Hawk: what the FUCK am i doing at this ghastly purple Wayborhood?!!!

Domino's: this is our first time offering New York pizza.

Conan O'Brien: your Brooklyn pizza didn't count.

Jen R: tell that to my bike.

Southwest Airlines.

man: finally a hair commercial that doesn't involve Troy Polamalu.

Troy Polamalu: and who are you supposed to be? Gallagher? you're one of those jokers who call women dude.

man: Vidal Sassoon is head and shoulders above the rest.........okay fine, i'm the Geico Caveman without the makeup.

Kenyatta: a skincare deodorant. from a company run by women. women know how to use a hammer and nail, they just were never asked to.

The Pope: i fixed all the indoor plumbing in the Vatican myself.

Olive Garden.

Garfield: what happened to you, Jon?!!!

Jon Arbuckle: in tribute to Matthew Perry, i look like Chandler from Friends.

James Harden: Olive Harden, what do you think? like Michael Cera did for Cerave. i have nothing to do ALL summer.

Michael Cera: call me Elliott Smith.

Jen spots something on the sand.

Jen R: look there!!! see? it's not just a sign, it's a symbol.

me: oh now i see them!!! because you're holding my hand. what are those strange mathematical spherical cubes all along the shoreline of the saline beach?

Finn from Adventure Time: geometrics have NEVER been this dank.

Jen: looks like my beach college in Sarasota. look at this, it's a GIANT circular sand pizza with the stone shapes all around acting as pepperoni. 

Jen, still touching my hand, touches the pepperoni, uh the shapes. a hard white light tackles both our eyes and we go blank. when we come to, we're in Ancient Rome.

Jen: time to put on our thinking caps, we're here to solve a mystery.

me: the only thinking cap i know is plaid and Sherlock.

Jen takes out her Sherlock Holmes pipe which blows bubbles.