THE POMPEII BAKERY

 

Jen R: we can help that bakery over there.

me: what happened here?

Jen: same thing that happened to the Big Sur Bakery. this was the Pompeii Bakery, a nice unassuming spot for Roman crumpets until the volcano hit and slides of red lava went everywhere. needless to say a massive cleanup.

me: of property and frozen bodies. 

Jen: but for those who survived, a blessing. the pizza oven remained intact and was able to produce a unique timbre to the flavor of the pizza sauce, this dough has a tangy spice no other pizza can match globally!!! in this world or the future world!!! I SWEAR TO YOU, my good people of Pompeii, the good folk, i will not take this recipe back home to the Big Sur Bakery of 2024 to help with THEIR recovery...

the people of Pompeii lift their arms in a unison cheer.

the people of Pompeii: we're like those Kakariko villagers!!! we're gonna get the next election right...

Jen: yeah, don't believe in any of those old silly curses.

Kurt Cobain: to abrade in Aberdeen, to learn the school of hard knocks in the bin out back.

Tony Hawk: scraped knees on a skateboard off a skateboard.

AnnaLynne McCord: my panties drop for rugby. 

Rigby from Regular Show: Rigby?

AnnaLynne: as in, i get out of my clothes and into my rugby uniform. i play rugby and am going to the Olympics in Paris for rugby in a couple of months. my favorite anime is Zom 100...

Eileen from Regular Show: my clothes dissolve for Rigby but.........we have a complicated relationship the outside world will never understand...

Paul: don't waste toilet paper wiping the droplets of water that collect on your bathroom mirror after you water-pick your teeth...

Paul: do you brush your teeth at 4AM in the morning? do you use so much paste your teeth are fizzling like a motherfucker with bubbles and gel grime?

Aim: unlike Pepsodent, the toothpaste you don't eat.

Super Mario: that paper plate was so stained with meat grease it turned into modeling clay.

Codrus: so because people were stupid for centuries and did nothing all we can eat in the future are PLANT NUGGETS?!!! 

tennis: like Doctor Who, it's over.

tin foil: do not place over your head with a cowlick point as the tip of a hat, place over a paper plate of fast-food curry.

Boc: it's creepy enough walking through a mall in the morning, the creepiness is overwhelmingly unbearable if you walk ON THE SECOND FLOOR...

fuel injection: why?

Greta Thunberg: right? fuel reduction? just get a better engine.

Ovid: covid came from me.

Blossom Dearie: you know how on the NBC show Blossom with Mayim Bialik the mother is never shown?...

Mayim Bialik: it's not Bosom.

Bustamante wearing a Snickers shirt: i named my Yorkshire Terrier Thicka.

the first lesbian couple of all time at the Roman Colosseum.

Holland Taylor: so honey, you were asked to play a bitch for this part. how did you get into character?

Sarah Paulson: oh sweetums, it was easy, i pretended to be Trish Hawkins.

La Dolce Vita: did Marilyn Monroe copy us or the other way around?

Marilyn Monroe: i was channeling myself. i was Chaneling myself, Chanel No. 5.

McDonald's fries: you never noticed this before but the '80s McDonald's fries were actually orange.

at the Roman Palladium.

King Charles III: my portrait is.........i'm not at the Red Light District, okay Cammie?

Harry: is it like a Game of Thrones thing, dad?

King Charles III: no, my favorite son, it's Mad Max: Furiosa.

William: "Favored Son" is the new country song i wrote in my monastery-cell home studio.

Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails in the half-circle: now.........you know.........this is what it feels like.........to fall in love.

me looking at Jen R: ...

Pati Jinich by her own clay oven: my favorite movie? David Lynch's Dune. in Mexico City we're called cineastes.

Empty Nest: we're spending Christmas at home in Miami instead of skiing in Vermont with Jean-Pierre *sad music plays*

David Leisure: i'm the next-door neighbor, i make a sexist comment then steal the guacamole from your fridge.

Rita Moreno getting hot under her frilly collar: being on a long-running sitcom was the only thing i didn't do in my career!!! i was so close with this pilot but the week they shot the pilot was embarrassing, we did 17 takes in front of that poor studio audience, so many g-d rewrites, Susan the bitch producer was sick that week, perra producer, and that writer we had was an hijo de puta.

me: it was my dream to substitute-storywrite for that show that week...

me: i wanna go home.

Ed Van Nuys: get in my time machine.

The Crying Game: it's a crying shame.........about Father Ted. and all the loved ones we've lost.

one singular sensation: when you're tempted by the fruit of another.

JFK at the Roman mud pools: TADOW!!! who's up for a massage?

The Midnight saxophonist: do me. do my dome, Mr. President.

Ellen Muth at the Preakness: can i get another show? i'm dying over here. i have a fever. it's not covid.

Jen R: let's watch Tubi.

me: okay but let's not get a divorce...

Jaws in the Adriatic Sea: orca vs. yacht, i'm on the orca's side.

Jen and i at the Municipal Roman bus stop.

Jen R: the people here in togas are not waiting for school, they're waiting for finals.

me: if you don't see me at all this summer i've enrolled at that Roman monastery on that hill over there for three months to cool off.

empty trip: when you can't use those Knicks Finals tickets.

Spike Lee: ...

order a cab: what Monty Python cosplaying as King Arthur tried to do for an ending on the set of NYPD Blue.

Life of Brian: ...

comfort food: food that gives you depression.

Liberty Mutual.

chief: Doug!!! that pole isn't greased!!!

Doug: MY BALLS!!! Zom 100 is not my favorite anime.

LiMu Emu: Gotham City would be rife with crime now if Wayne Manor hadn't been built over a firehouse.

Jason DeMarco chugging a Starbucks: here come the hotsteppa. Uzumaki coming Summer 2030.

GEICO at the Roman mall.

dad: yeah in the '80s everyone knew how to parkour...

GEICO Frankenstein.

villagers with torches and pitchforks: hey Teen Frank, can you recharge our car battery with your bolts? we're stranded on this country road in an unknown village.

Frankenstein: not cool, man, i'm just an 11th Grader who looks like Robert Downey Jr. Saved by the Bell has a castle over there. the password is my letterman jacket for floppy-disc games. Nosferatu does NOT want to be covered up.

millennial girl: gives new meaning to Young Frankenstein which i have seen.

the people of Pompeii cheer.

Jen R: alright. yeah. how about we celebrate with a random episode of Cheers?

the people of Pompeii: the blonde woman or the brunette woman?

Jen: no a Rhea Perlman-heavy episode. she's skinny but she acts like a heavy.

Cher: i should have been on Cheers...

Jen R: you should think twice before inhaling all those Jack in the Box onion rings. onion rings are vegetable donuts.

me: but aren't vegetables healthy?

Jen: onions are healthy but God never imagined in a million years humans would turn an onion into something as grotesque as an onion ring.