Jan Smithers: adulting in the '70s, being age 20 to age 30 in the 1970s, was the last decade of indiscriminate sexual freedom.
Marcia Strassman: the Sexual Revolution really only lasted 10 years. just long enough to fit into one pair of bell-bottoms. so how did it feel being a rebel teenager on the back of that James Dean motorcycle in the late '60s? well James Dean memorial motorcycle.
Jan: sexual revolution, remember? i RODE the bike, woman!!! in FRONT. Gloria Steinem, baby. feminism was all the rage, it was the new shiny object, in vogue, the new thing at the office.
Marcia Strassman: Gloria Steinem's Coke-bottle glasses, i played her in a school play in junior high.
Gloria Steinem: they don't make bubble glasses like that anymore.
Jan: i easily beat Loni Anderson in all the radio polls, men preferred me, it was the Mary Ann Effect.
Marcia: but it's what you did next that REALLY made you a rebel.
Jan: i was the the only person who made friends with Milhouse, i befriended Milhouse, Milhouse was my bestie because perhaps i was his mother...
we're at a dive bar with an indoor waterslide.
Jen R: KRTH!!! omg this radio station, i had forgotten all about it!!! K-Earth 101!!! the jingle. i had that Earth globe bumper sticker on my bike. when i'd be dreaming of L.A. in Baltimore. that was my introduction to the concept of talk radio. and then rude talk radio later. and Metallica.
Jan: wrong station, man, wrong station, Johnny Fever at WKRP would've introduced you to Guns N' Roses FIRST.
me: did Rick Dees do that one, too? we gotta go back to Los Angeles, Carmel is a lonely village...
Paul: things will get fixed if you leave them alone...
Aquaman: my estimated time of arrival? look up at the sky, that's me holding on for dear life to the tail of a comet. a comet that has been traveling away from Earth to E.T.'s planet...
Tony Hawk wearing a City Connect baseball uniform: go back to '80s Big League Chew. skateboard culture is the only thing which redeems Florida.
Trent Reznor: and the Florida goths. you can't say his name anymore...
blue rock thrush: remember Crush soda in the '80s?
Mordecai: yeah. i'm your rad cousin from a foreign country!!!
blue rock thrush: i'm in the United States because Oregon is cool and i want to try Pepsi Blue...
Ryan Gosling: how do i get my hair so Ken blond as i fall? i eat all the cannon rolls on the craft-service table. they're cinnamon rolls made by Princess Leia.
Carrie Fisher: bonbons. do you need my lightsaber?
Ryan: Rolls-Royce made a cannon? that's fucking ghastly. i'm all about applying hippie values to war.
Carrie: Rolls-Royce mounted them on our Y-wings, they wanted to shoot down Vulcans they said...
Spock: why?
Hoda Kotb: you wanna wake up on time? eat your snooze button. by playing that cheap mobile game about farmers that comes free on all our iPad Minis. not the dating app about farmers...
Camzyos: black-and-white commercial in the cornfields, like that political ad with the little daisy girl and the bomb...
Frankenstein: ...
Frankenstein: i'm the monster, not the man...
Jen R: that's not fucking, that's making love.
me: the two of us are mind mates.
Jen R: oregano pizza?
Jen P: yeah, it's a Berkeley specialty. because it's legal.
Jen R: oregano comes from Oregon...
Mrs. Talbot at church: not from organ. believe me i've tried. my pipe organ has bongs for pipes...
Takahashi: who says you have to change your T-shirt once every two days? you can wear one shirt for one week.
Doryce: especially if the Treehouse clothes washer is flooding. i wear one shirt for one year.
Gladyce: City Year...
Ryan Reynolds: holy shit, did i just pick a fight with The Rock? i thought i really WAS my Deadpool persona for a second there. sorry about that, Rock.
The Rock: will you vote for me for President?
Ryan tapping The Rock's pecs: i'm voting for Biden, buddy.
monk moggie: i'm just like Greykid the cat, every house is a monastery...
Greykid: Garfield is from Abu Dhabi.
Fanika: yeah that's why he's always so obsessed with that place. Garfield's parents are waiting for Jon Arbuckle to visit them in Abu Dhabi, they have a whole lavish Arabian wedding planned out for him there...
Fanika: hi i'm Fanika, the new goth in town who loves cats...
Fanika: why what a bright sunny gorgeous morning this is!!!
Oreo Roll Cake: enjoy an Oreo Roll Cake whilst watching an episode of the '90s Outer Limits. get your fingers and thumbs all stained with Oreo dust...
Sesame Recipe: say this to open the Cave of Time by Edward Packard...
dad: there was so much more i wanted to show you.
me: opera?
dad: 1000 operas!!! operas from all over the world!!! operas with supertitles!!!
Storybook International luter: in America i'm an Italian opera singer named Giovanni who wears a red cape...
Morgan Fairchild: i was named after the first Medieval sorceress.........oh who am i kidding, i AM this sorceress, i mean look at my perfect unblemished milky-white skin!!! do you know how old i am? i am 900 YEARS OLD!!!
Doryce and Gladyce: we can't let her into the crone coven!!! her beauty would BLIND the other witches!!!
Matthew Perry: do you know how hard it was growing up with a milf mom?...
Kawhi Leonard: dropped shoulders. yeah that's it, drop your shoulders. not out of giving up, because you're about to take your mark and charge back out onto that Clippers basketball court after halftime. we gonna win this fucking game, man, we gonna make a 100-point comeback, we ready to drop 100 on their asses...
Boc: all the trucks have cleared out, the land is YOURS to walk on!!!...
Mork: i come from the planet Naboo.........Naboo Naboo, clean your ears and bow upside-down in the attic, i come from the same Star Wars universe as the Robot Chicken Palpatine...
Kurt Cobain: i'm on a plane.........i can't complain but unfortunately this would be my last plane-flight home to my Seattle house...
Debralee Scott: did you experience a touch-and-go landing on your plane flight, too?...
Princess Diana: coming for the crown. that's what i'm about to do. the way Queen Elizabeth's sister did all day, with her horse-stable man. i envied her, i wish i had that life from outside the four walls of this castle...
The Alan Parsons Project "Eye in the Sky": this was the theme song to your favorite '80s sitcom...
Kenny Loggins: ...
Pepsi Blue: drink whilst listening to The Midnight song "Deep Blue" in your fizzy head in your fizzy den...
Puck from Real World drinking Pepsi Blue: as the official Pepsi Blue spokesman in India, i drink Pepsi Blue all the time after my bike-messenger shift is over and after my bike-messenger business went belly-up. i have a belly tattoo. not the band. Pepsi Blue tastes like Windex...
at Danny DeVito's house.
Drew Barrymore: i left my sex list at your house.
Danny DeVito: yeah i got it and read it. i was surprised there was only one name.
Drew Barrymore: Steven Spielberg........when i was 18, okay?
Danny: no Tom Green?
Tom Green: our arrangement was not good for me...
Danny: no David Letterman?
David Letterman: i was busy auditioning for the Mork & Mindy reboot...
Morgan Fairchild: a gap tooth is cute.
David Letterman: sorry, toots, i'm dating Jewel...
Jen R: on a dirty mattress in the back of CBS Television Studios...
Danny Phantom in Danny DeVito's house.
Danny Phantom: is this house haunted?
Drew Barrymore: yes...
Danny Phantom in Danny DeVito's house.
Danny Phantom: whoops, wrong house, i'm still working the kinks out of my Star Trek transporter...
Drew Barrymore: i'm taking a shower, get outta here!!! i'm going to do a swimsuit shoot for WKRP. one-piece swimsuit...
BetterHelp: get off that treadmill, you need therapy...
Boc: when summer hits, the long skinny tall green grass invades my walk path, turning it into a landmass of weeds. you see a lot of bodies hidden in there.........sleeping bodies i mean...
Eye Luggage: Police Academy and go. two words: Debralee Scott, the only reason to watch this.
me: i know, right?
Debralee Scott: and to match this. take a look at my only appearance in the first one, what do you see?
me: your eyes. your deep blue eyes hypnotized me the first time i saw you on Match Game. not that hypnotic skinny mic...
Debralee Scott: my tits. you see my tits. smushed onto that car's windshield. that's when it hit me, i was born to play Laurie Bird from Two-Lane Blacktop. not when i got hit by the car. imagine if this had been firemen instead of police. do you like my car's bumper sticker?: PAM DAWBER IS PURE SEX
Debralee Scott: my role here also informed my Hotsy Totsy character. Hotsy Totsy got hit by a police car and lost her memory, that's why she started stripping...
John Belushi: same, sister, same...
Debralee Scott: that whole sexy wheelbarrow thing that couples do at church picnics, the man holds the woman by her ankles and mows the lawn with her, i was just imitating what i saw the priests doing to the nuns back at Catholic school in the back of the rectory...
Father Navin: ...
Debralee Scott: look at my face, i have the classic freckled face of a girl who went to Catholic school...
Debralee Scott: game shows made my career. sure i had that nip slip on Password but the clue was CHURCHES so it all ties back like that girl from My Life as a Dog. the most important thing i ever did in my life was win that nice old lady a million dollars on Family Feud.
Steve Guttenberg: you know i did like 13 of these damn movies but i really hated doing them. it was a cheap payday, nothing more. too Republican-y for me.
Michael Winslow: sound effects were what made this franchise worth it. i mean actually imagine if you had someone like me on the police force, you could imitate gunfire at a moment's notice, fool the enemy forever, i could single-handedly win all wars and usher in a new age of UN peace!!!
Leslie Easterbrook: i wasn't acting, i really was that angry back then. i fucked angry. i was no Playboy Easter Bunny, i had a PhD in music and STEM.
Kim Cattrall: some of her anger rubbed off on me for my Samantha role on Sex and the City. and the injustice and indignity of my missing brother. why shouldn't i be eternally angry at the world? and have my husband mysteriously disappear after cloning our child?...
George Gaynes: you can tell i did not want to be there. the only reason i did this was i owed the cops a favor after they rescued Punky Brewster when she was lost for fifteen minutes...
George Gaynes: i suddenly started to do a lot of public speaking all over the world, engaging with anyone who would listen. participation is key. was that a podium blowjob? i still don't know what that sensation was. i ended up doing condoms-on-bananas sex ed with that Degrassi nurse nun...
Bubba Smith: no i don't know Tom Hanks. is football worth it? that's an unanswerable existential question. if the force were all like me, there would be no more war, only Beatles songs. i am Attack on Titan in real life but good!!!
Georgina Spelvin: get it? like pelvis. i'm the only porn star you will ever met who actually LOOKS like the girl next door. i'm shy and retiring, i do the job and go home.
brown shoe polish by the Caddyshack shack: it's a shame really. you had the chance to delve deep and do a complete condemnation of fascism like Charlie Chaplin. but instead you opted for the cheap brown-ring-around-the-mouth gag.
Medieval times: dubbin. shoe polish, not Vaporwave. g'night folks.
me by the fire.
Debralee Scott: sigh...
me: happy weekend, my babies. TOMORROW.........is that her rapping at the window? are you coming from the station?
Jen R: yeah, they couldn't fingerprint me, i have no fingerprints, i'm a vampiress, i'm goth, baby. i wanna eat to forget, what's on tap? can i have a menu?
me: what's the more classic burger, the Big Mac for the Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese?
Jen: impossible to decide.
me: i know, right? it's an existential dilemma, we gotta go back to Phish at the Sphere in Vegas...
No comments:
Post a Comment