Jen R and i are at the Phish concert at the Sphere in Las Vegas.
Drew Carey: quit yer pushing and yer shoving, no sharp elbows, i'm here to buy a blender...
Jen R: this is really cool. this is gonna be an Existential experience.
me: i haven't had one of those since college...
Trey Anastasio is inside the OA bubble floating above the audience. on the flying stage with his unknown bandmates.
Trey Anastasio: too Jetsons: The Movie? this experience will be Existential. not the school kind, the after-school reading kind. all props to some random YouTube troll for trying to be better than The Legend of Zelda, but Phish is WAY BETTER than Stardew Valley...
Jen: talk soon.
me: DON'T LEAVE ME!!!
Jen: this show will run shop on your soul.
me: does a bar serve wine? or just beer. i don't know, i don't drink. my only bar is the Cheers bar. and the Don's Plum bar.
Jen: i'm thinking of running the NYC Marathon. it's not steep hills like the Big Sur Marathon, it's flat like my chest and New York pizza...
Phish begins with the song Aaron Hibell "I Feel Lost..."
Melissa Maker in the Pigpen from Peanuts bubble: i'm seeing a truck. a bread truck, bread delivery truck, with Prince Edward Island on the side. i swear that smiling kid hawking the milk-soaked bread is a blonde girl but it turns out it's a boy with Little Lord Fauntleroy hair...
dad: i had a Canada lucid dream last night. i was inside a Toronto two-story flat with 100 people all squeezed in there. we were discussing Canada's newest television sensation, a TV show called Whale Oil about a modern Inuit family, it was dark and grimy like all good Canadian dramas, it was basically Eskimo Sopranos. but because of millennials they had to change it to Whale Family. the Toronto City Council renamed Degrassi City Council headed by Keanu Moranis decided on the compromise Whale Light...
me: i finally live my dream, i always wanted you alone in a bubble with me.
Jen: we're in our own little bubble free from the chaos of the world...
in the health tent bubble.
Merry Whitney with a grey stone on her naked stomach: and this is how you do Bow Pose.
Tai: nah, remember yoga is simply sex. do it like THIS. Bow Pose is a funky sex position.
Luke Russert: i can't thank you enough as you arch your back...
Tai: the key, sweet Luke, is to have two backs...
in the basketball bubble.
Aiwass: i'm from Iowa. well i was...
Caitlin Clark: ...
in the stands.
Kobe Bryant: look at Michael Jordan out there on the court.
Michael Jordan: that's actually Anthony Edwards.
George Clooney: not the Chicago one...
Kobe: you can't tell the difference. i couldn't pull off being you because i didn't look like you.
Anthony Edwards: i don't just PLAY EXACTLY like Michael Jordan, i look like him, too!!!
Jen: the only way i know how to dance to Phish is by wearing brogues on a guest mattress...
me: bae, let's FaceTime.
Jen: let's make it a real date: au naturel.
me: no makeup. you don't need makeup, you're a natural beauty like Lana Del Rey.
Jen: no i meant naked.
in the porn tent bubble.
Sasha Grey: i drink a glass of water before i go to bed to be healthy. but then i have to pee and the clogged toilet floods with dirty water, so what's the point?
Dirg: talk more about your pee. your pee process i mean. i was/still am a bedwetter.
in the bird bubble, a seagull slaps the face of his fellow seagull with his wing as he shoots off to make his flying escape...
in the 1980 bubble.
Andrew Gold on a flying stage: i sound like Jackson Browne...
Laraine Newman: i know, that's why i fucked you. you're probably my baby...
Kenny Loggins: i sang the theme song of that sitcom you grew up on...
at America's Test Kitchen.
Erica Turner: Albondigas of the Seven Seas, i out-Jinich Pati Jinich.
Pati Jinich: are you Janet Jackson? or one of the lesser Jackson Sisters.
The Pirates of Dark Water: meatballs grow on trees, we saw it...
John Spilsbury drinking milk: i solved the puzzle of William Shakespeare...
John Spilsbury: i am what happened when John Williams and Steven Spielberg joined into one being during E.T....
Gladyce: BUTTERMILK RANCH SAUCE IS THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE!!! how the fuck do you clean those little sauce container cups? you can't clog the garbage disposal with the sauce...
Sasha Grey: one word, a word i know all too well: napkin. i've never seen you like this, Gladyce, this angry and agitated like a clothes-washer agitator, this discombobulated!!!
The French Open: the silly season of pro tennis...
Julie Patzwald: bra trip, when your bra bunches up on you like my favorite cereal, you can never get it snug JUST RIGHT.
Bustamante: i don't have that problem.........goths don't wear bras...
in the TV bubble.
David Letterman: Mork goes Erk, not Werk, which is a sweatshop. EST works, it's the best, that has been established. Mindy says it's a cult but she's just jealous. why can't I have my own space man? i decided to make the smarmy character i played on Mork & Mindy my actual personality...
Morgan Fairchild: fuck i was hot back then. i have a boyfriend named Patrick who's married to another woman.
me: this is my EXACT LIFE...
in the horse bubble.
Encino the horse: that would've been EPIC for Encino, put us on the MAP after St. Cyril's. bring back arcades, man.
Uncle Sigh: did you know Encino means "oak"?
Encino: can you smoke an oak tree?
Melissa Maker: use a nail file as a letter-opener, kay?
in the British bubble.
Emma Watson: not cool, Putin, not cool, why you hate Harry Potter so much? J.K. Rowling setting fire to a castle, that i would understand.
in the bike bubble.
Lance Armstrong: my life went downhill, get it? downhill, because i learned with training wheels instead of a balance bike...
in the green bubble. the green moss-house bubble.
Albert Schweitzer: i designed my own grave cross!!! now that's goth!!!
Julie Patzwald: this man was like our generation's Leonardo da Vinci...
dad: Albert Schweitzer's love of the organ inspired me to have you take organ lessons.
me: thanks, dad.
Albert Schweitzer: because of me, your organ sounds much different today. your pipe organ that is.
Mrs. Talbot: no that would be because of me.
Roger Federer at UCLA: okay i got my tennis racquet, let's protest...
in the football bubble.
Peyton Manning: hug the Commissioner. no that's way too much.
me: i can never hug Jen R too much or hardly.
Jen R: too hardly. there is no such thing as too hardly.
Tua with his brother at the Miami Dolphins training encampment.
Tua's brother: i can't bench-press any more weight!!!
Tua: do it for the family.
Tua's brother: damn. well when you put it that way i can't complain EVER.
Tua: you carry the family name. no pressure but you can't fail. for the world to know our name is the dream, the dream of us Islanders.
Tua's brother: the Islanders will win the Stanley Cup this year. that's a good hockey team over there. do you know how to spell our last name?
Tua: no one does.
Tua's brother: you're my dream-mate.
Tua: damn, now i'm gonna cry.
Tua's brother: my dream is to meet Peyton Manning.
Tua: wait a minute, Tua, Tuna.........Miami Dolphins...
DoorDash.
the black sheep of the family stands up at the family table and says: i know i've let down the family. i promise it won't happen a tenth time. there's a reason the state won't give me a driver's license. i found my calling at college. i was the only protester who didn't throw a tennis racquet at the riot cops. this has all been one big distraction, let's get back to the war crimes...
Kristen Wiig as the Target Lady: see i was doing free publicity for companies before SNL HAD to do this to pay their bills...
Allen Iverson: think of the word ficus, what word immediately pops in your head? yes, it's Garfield the cat...
Paul: i've literally dug my own grave. i've been digging ditches for friends all day. i'm covered in soot and exhaustion. i look like a Charles Dickens orphan but i'm 100 years old. i look like Kris Kristofferson with white hair on a good day. wait come back here!!! ANSWER YOUR DOOR AGAIN!!! your toilet needs sealant, to stop the trickling-water sound in my head. YOU CAN POO AGAIN!!! just use shredded bubble gum with MacGyver wearing a baseball uniform on the front of the pouch. gum grave is more fun than sealing your own grave. why do i work this hard when i'm RETIRED AND LIVE IN CARMEL?!!!
in the beach bubble.
Jen R at Carmel Beach with Jacques Pepin.
Jen R: i don't do normal. i don't do ordinary.
Jacques Pepin: call me Pepsi Pepin. what is more extraordinarily French than baking catfish and mussels in an underground sand pit?
Greykid: cats hate the beach.
Jen: baking catfish and mussels using induction cooking, man.
Woody Allen: i cook with glass-ceramic, more futuristic that way...
Phish close their concert and their unrepeatable global human experience by playing their superior cover of "Porcelina of the Vast Oceans..."
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