LIBBY WESTON

 

Jen R: i'm grandmacore. i'm glad that McFlurry is pink-sweater colored.

me: bubblegum?

Takahashi: bubblefruit, only found in Japan.

me: but don't you like Slayer?

Jen: no i said Prince slays.

Jen: i mean have you watched an episode of Nurses? that NBC show from the '90s. what was up with their studio audiences? those studio audiences were drunk as fuck. they laughed LOUDLY at every joke, went crazy whenever Paco came on screen, and when there was any hint of sex, any intimation of intimacy, the woo-woos started.  

me: omg David Rasche!!! Sledge Hammer makes an appearance!!! Sledge Hammer was everything to me as a kid, that show saved me from myself and loneliness. i still became a Democrat, though. sorry, Patrick Lavender. any indication Loni Anderson fucked Rasche in the series finale?

Jen: not even mistletoe could move them. i'm pretty sure NBC fed those studio audiences the leftover table cocaine from the '80s.

The Outer Limits: 5 people on a starship in deep space don't like each other. they're different ranks, races, religions, colors. and jobs. one's a civilian, look out for her, she's a spy. the sarcastic sexual guy will die first. Final Girl is an alien who marries the captain for interspecies peace.

at The French Chef studio in 1963.

Julia Child: PBS? good, CBS sucks. see this HONK IF YOU FUCK WITH FRENCH ONION SOUP bumper sticker?

Leslie Sbrocco: where do you put it?

Julia: on my bumper. on my butt.

Grace Jones: when's the Jamaican food coming out?

Julia: i crafted the first Dutch oven in existence. French onion soup only works if cognac is the broth. 

Leslie: i always wondered what was outside. what's outside your window there?

Julia: trees. if the French onion soup is your whole dinner, you must feel very sad about your life. switch the gratin cheese to a poached egg. why are the caps on these vinegar bottles always so damn tight?

Leslie: so Melissa Maker can use them to clean off covid, you old bitch. 

Julia: but i'm young here.

Leslie: sorry. it's just, that's how i fought back against my cancer.

Melissa Maker: Ms. Julia, you pronounce the word "Parmesan" weird. and i'm French-Canadian. 

Jacques Pepin: i always move my food over to the dining room at the end of every one of my episodes in honor of Julia.

Julia: i'm more French than you.

Jen and i are at Smuin Ballet.

Jen R: i'm missing the technique here. i'm looking for ballerinas to bust balls when they ballet-slipper on my head. i'm looking for the Walnut Creek Method.

me: we gotta go farther inland...

The Good Feet Store in Sand City: you'll cry because the pain is Above 10. then you'll cry because you have no more pain.

Trevor: every teenager who looks like Frankenstein suffers from the insecurity of being 11 feet tall and unable to play basketball. when i walk to school alone in summer the weeds have grown so fucking tall, man!!! 11 feet tall, they're dangerous now. the Shel Silverstein tree gnarled into the Bagel Bakery trellis. dozens of greased-out bunked-down McDonald's breakfast bags in the trellis diamond holes.

Trevor at Safeway chopping it up with Eric the Red at the cash register. a beautiful stately woman in a long thin flowing black-lace camisole dress glides along the aisles hovering above the marble floors. 

Julie Patzwald: hi, Red. like my black?

Trevor tease-pushes Eric so hard he hits his head on the register.

Trevor: dude, THAT girl likes you?!!! she has opaque eyes. you've got yourself a genuine goth princess tracking you.

Julie: i like my men small. the cash register is bigger than Eric. 

Eric: i'm smaller than the machine i operate.

Julie: what can i say? he looks like one of those rainbow-puking gnomes from Gravity Falls. clean-shaven of course.

Trevor: when i see another dude rolling a cart with a case of Coke under, i start to get jealous again. all i wanted were the frozen grilled-cheese sandwiches but the man who cleans the ice for the frozen aisle happened to be cleaning the grilled-cheese section RIGHT as i was there in the aisle!!! blocked. cheeseblocked. what are the odds?

Paul: you want a freezer not caked in icicles? remove your icebox. you have to CHOOSE which ice you want, you can't have BOTH ICE.

Vanilla Ice: ...

Paul: or just get a hammer and hammer the fuck outta those freezer icicles.

Steejo: what could i do to make you shoot me a glance?

Suzy Lu: kickboxing is a sexy sport.

Steejo: no no, you can't take over the world kickboxing. you can only take over the world from an office.

Conor McGregor: but your pythons are MASSIVE, mate. they're like steam locomotives. are you my cousin?

merguez: the ol' sausage scam...

The Great Stink of London, Doctor Who on the River Thames.

Doctor Who: this is why i called it a dump.

Paul: i was there. it's called a toilet, look it up.

Persian garden: it's called urban planning, look it up. 

The Garden of Earthly Delights: ...

Doctor Who: it's not Uncle Who...

Uncle Grandpa: you're the world's grandpa. 

Trevor: are you my daddy?

Ed Van Nuys: yes. and Annie's.

Trevor: are you a newsman?

Ed Van Nuys: i'm fucking Ed Van Nuys. i ended the Great Depression.

chocolate windmill: ...

Roger Federer: not a sex thing. it's a Swiss delicacy. in Switzerland you can only buy an 8-oz box of chocolate.

Julia Child: wait, America's Test Kitchen used to have an audience?!!! BRING BACK THE STUDIO AUDIENCE!!!

Christopher Kimball: i happened. so never again.

Knicks: we do it for Spike.

Woody Allen: not so much for me.

Spike Lee: cheer up, Woody, your time has passed. what are the Top 5 Bergman films?

Woody: The Magician, The Seventh Seal, Cries and Whispers, Persona, and Wild Strawberries.

Ingmar Bergman: and that upcoming Nosferatu reboot...

Nelly Korda: i would be in every Bergman film if Ingmar Bergman was still making films today.

Ingmar Bergman: you'd be my Bibi Andersson!!!

Scottie Scheffler: am i hard enough for you NOW?

bed bath: not a sex thing. a hospital thing. the big-box store is coming back, in the beyond, in 2030 with Uzumaki swirl pillows.

Billy Corgan: when you see my face, you see Bed Bath & Beyond.

John Candy: i look like your dad.

Paul at Safeway.

Paul: you CAN self-checkout your beer. but you gotta be quick about it. slick about it. that's how i had my first drink at 80 years old.

Boc: it's called free health.

Europe: ...

Ancient Egyptians: we had massive stones.........to be able to build the Pyramids. also there was a secret Nile River which helped us move those massive stones to build the Pyramids.

dad: i was there at the first televised sporting event in the United States. Princeton/Columbia baseball.

Michael Weiss: so was i. and i still can't talk to women.

NBC: has Fox ever done the Olympics?

Eye Luggage: Twins (1988) and go.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: '80s movies just had that certain something, you know? there's such an INNOCENCE to '80s movies that's lost now, it just doesn't exist anymore.

Danny DeVito: the character i play here is one of the most unlikable people in film history. i get a little happier by the end but MAN is it tough sledding throughout, it's a LONG HAUL to redemption. i know this guy had a bad childhood but still.

Arnold: i made THE greatest gamble of my career with this movie. and won.

Danny: same.

Arnold: think about it, i hadn't done a comedy before and Hollywood thought it would flop HARD. how is Conan and The Terminator gonna be funny? so instead of a salary i opted to get 40% of the ticket sales.  

Danny: i made the same deal.

Arnold: this movie was a surprise hit, long story short: i made $90 million on this movie alone. this movie MADE my career, i never had to worry about going to bed hungry again, and for a man with muscles like mine, that's a concern. i was SET FOR LIFE after this, i never had to work again. 

Oprah Winfrey: 40 fucking percent, that's all it took. as i always tell everybody, ALWAYS BET ON YOURSELF!!! for a big-ass payday!!!

Michael Keaton: i am so jealous of you two guys...

Danny: this movie should have been called My Back Teeth Are Floating.

Arnold: and my character should have been called Orange Julius.

mad scientist: we're combining the semen from a half-dozen fathers. not a porn thing. we're trying to conceive the perfect human.

Arnold: and not a Nazi thing. i have to stress this or i, particularly me, couldn't be involved in this project, not a Nazi thing.

Danny: the sequel got canceled, but if we ever do a prequel, let's not do it about how i seduced a nun to break out of the orphanage, that's so unsavory.........i'm hoping i was at least 18...

The Pope: it's a hard knock life.

Sister Beatrix: can't we wear nun clothes for 2024? like an all-black velour tracksuit and a ponytail.

Arnold: what is this glorious island i was raised on called?

Professor Werner: Hawaii. you're the only one who lives here. we're filming an episode of Storybook International.

Laertus: oh i love how the grocery store chosen to represent the '80s shopping experience was Ralphs. other contenders: Fedco, Nob Hill, Thrifty Drugstore, Vons, Albertsons, and Lucky.

Ear Horn clearing her wrinkly throat: takes a while, dearie. um, ahem, Pic-N-Save?!!!

Danny: notice the car phone. in 1988, a phone in your car was a very rare special thing to have. it came in a leather case with a corduroy cord.

Arnold: never do business with a man named Beetroot.

Beetroot: i sell SuperBeets. they're healthy for you. comes in powder shakes and gummies.

Danny: what is this thing supposed to be anyway?

Greta Thunberg: the first eternal-energy car engine!!!

Dirg: THAT FACE THO!!! the face of surprised satisfaction, Arnold's after-sex face. i still haven't experienced that face.

Ingmar Bergman: The Face, you say?...

John Travolta: so Arnie, are we wife-swapping here?...

Greta Thunberg: what part do I play in your films?

Ingmar Bergman: the woman of science, the non-believer.

Greta: the non-believer who believes in human hope...

Jen R: art colony, all secrets are found at the art colony. nobody ever really dies, they just go to the art colony. their former selves die, their new artist selves emerge.

me: is Carrie Fisher at the art colony?

Princess Leia: i renounced the throne and became a photographer.

Arnold: *sniff* mom, can you answer me one thing? 

Danny: did you love me?

mom: of course i did, look how cute you are, you're like one of those little magical gnomes.

Danny: sigh, thanks mom.

Arnold: did Mr. Feeny like it better at school or at the hospital?

mom: Mr. Feeny hated kids. 

Arnold: what am i doing in the Sherman Oaks Galleria parking lot? at that Van Nuys corner with the Bail Bonds. 

David Caruso: i'm the guy who lifts that bendy gate-arm thing so your car can pass. this is a very uncool job, can i at least get a pair of sunglasses from you?...

Arnold: i must use twin telepathy to locate Vincent's whereabouts.

Chloe Webb: i find Danny DeVito hot, i can't be the only woman who lusts after him like this. my Vince's in trouble!!!

Arnold: Vince, evince, we eat the same bran cereals.........I GOT IT!!! he's driving a taxi. did he ever actually DRIVE one of those taxis on that show?...

Arnold: I'll Be Back. back on the chain gang. you want biceps like me? don't lift weights, lift chains.

Ingmar Bergman: speaking of invisible chains...

Danny's secretary: i invented electronica music at night after work at this toxic temp job...

Arnold: what exactly is a consulting firm?

Danny: it's a scam. the only real job is being a whore.

Arnold: this is how i learned English. good night, folks.

me by the library fire.

Jen R: the Big Sur Library, let's pop in here, they haven't opened for a while. after all, i AM still a librarian. oooh, this is a woodland retreat, lush setting for a book binge at the barn!!! happy weekend, my babies, tomorrow.........what are we eating?

me: Taco Bell. ether five or six tacos.

Jen: make it six so it won't suck. you can only eat Taco Bell tacos with Taco Bell Sauce, not with your homemade tomato salsa. you might as well get the bottle of Fire Sauce, Fedco is closing.........for the night...