GIANT DIPPER

 

me: where on the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk hot sandy grounds are we going now?

Jen R: Giant Dipper.........it's not like that...

me: i dunno, i'm rickety on rollercoasters, especially wood rollercoasters. i mean this thing is right next to the ocean!!! won't all that salty backwash erode the wooden poles?

Jen R: don't think about it, this coaster's been around for 100 years, what could go wrong?

me: well that was an unnecessarily long line.

Jen R: i know, right? you have to come here on Arbor Day. i could eat a whole funnel.

me: you're cute when you're hungry.

Jen: don't say that, that was cringey even in the '80s.

me: hey can you get those ADHD gummies of yours at CVS?

Jen: you gotta be careful with gummies, you can't bubble your way out of life. it's medicine, not candy, you know?

Jen R: okay i have the thing that will make you like and go on this rollercoaster...

Jesse Eisenberg: the shock of pickles, you know?...

Josh Gibson and Babe Ruth at Rickwood Field.

Josh Gibson: so by now you've heard the news?

Babe Ruth: yeah. you're better than me. in all categories.

Josh: even in lovemaking. i stole your girl. i stole your babe.

Babe: can i at least sing "White Christmas" with Bing Crosby on NBC this year?

Cool Papa Bell: coolest nickname on any field. i'm your daddy, Ruth.

Jen and i on the Giant Dipper rollercoaster.

Jen R: i eat Peek Freans, they're Superman shortbread cookies.

Superman: remember those American Express commercials i did with Jerry Seinfeld? that was the last time i had that cum-drizzle hairstyle...

Margot Kidder: oh yeah, the cum-dollop hair. the cum-splooge hair.

Jen: i ascend to my peak powers after eating them, you can't look at me naked anymore. want some? for friends.

me: better not then.

palmier: butter braid.

Jen P: like my hair, a better butter braid...

Mardith: there he is, there's my man, Daniel Dae Kim, being a showman, dancing up a storm on that PBS stage for Rodgers & Hammerstein's 80th Anniversary. but who's that old granny dancing with him?!!!

Maria Friedman: these are musical-theatre tits, child, you wouldn't understand, you can't compete.

Billy Corgan: in no way did i copy Rodgers & Hammerstein for my Mellon Collie art...

Jen R: i go to Subway just for the churro now.

Walt Disney: it's too far to walk to Disneyland...

Morgan Spurlock: can you do me a favor? no more motorized walkers. let everyone at Disneyland walk. it's a start. it's a start at least.

Walt Disney: that'll cost money. won't it? more rope for lines...

Boc: i'm so healthy i've never eaten a churro.

Pati Jinich: ...

Bill Walton with a tie-dye fro: Austin is only a city that matters if it remains weird like Portland.

Jean-Luc Picard: he was a man, take him for all in all, i shall not look upon his like again.

Shakespeare: that was one of mine. one of my best.

Data playing basketball wearing a Bill Walton headband: ...

me: it sucks to be stuck. but you have me. lean on your friends in times of crisis.

Jen R: i have a crisis every morning. but in the afternoon i have mellowed. how long would a car trip coast to coast from New York to L.A. take?

me: one week.

Jen: two weeks if you take the scenic route.

Johnny Wactor: it's the independent writers who will save us. let us all share a fleeting moment of grace...

Boc: all i see are little creature tails flitting about the tall weeds not reeds. i hope they're from a chipmunk named Alvin and a grey dove named Kid...

Alvin: the Rescue Rangers were shit.

Monaco: just "say" that you live here...

Rafa Nadal: but i can't lie anymore, the government knows who i am...

Monaco: just "say" you have a house here. Monaco is a magic little corner of the world...

Rafa: God lied to me...

Lolly Vegas: girls just want to have fun. as do boys. as do Native Americans. finally. no i don't see Sheryl Crow around here...

Lance Armstrong: it's road race, not road rage.

King Lear: were you my only son? pity.

Mr. McFeely: never trust mail that's just a big white envelope with no return address...

Debra Winger: i'm an actress. but i never really wanted to be an actress, you know?...

Debra Winger's mother: actress, no stress...

Angel Hernandez: i loved what i did. okay? i loved being an umpire...

Bill Walton: unlike Jane Fonda, my headband didn't stink like hot garbage.

Jane Fonda: how can that be, you big lug? i'm always naked.

Leslie Sbrocco: Natural Ovens.........not my tits...

Jen R: a good bakery for Big Sur. to aid in the recovery. you gotta start somewhere. we all gotta start somewhere again.

Rainbow Brite unicorn: remember in the '80s when everyone had that white puffy bed blanket with the rainbow stripe down the middle?...

Minster: Passionate monk, nothing to do with sex. but it can. 

Passionist: are you even a minister?

Minster: no i haven't completed all the requisite night-school classes yet. it's my name not my title. don't wear it out.

Bustamante: like my Glossy Taco nails? they wouldn't let me through customs with these, they wouldn't let me into Mexico!!!

 

Michael Weiss: i'm tired of constantly explaining shit to people on Instagram, i'm done...

at Wendy's.

Jules Smith: finally i can go to a Wendy's. one English Muffin Deal.

Kathryn: that'll be 5 bucks.

Jules: we don't say bucks in Britain.

Kathryn: do i need to wear a Sherlock Holmes tam and blow a bubble pipe?

Jules: all potatoes in Britain are country potatoes...

Sleep Number.

wife: i'm hot. get it?

husband: and i'm cold. on the bed. 

Hello Meteor: basically all the beds turn into Vaporwave. makes you feel like HOME.

AT&T wedding photographer: this is like that last Cut For Time sketch that's always on the last episode of the SNL season before summer...

Lorne Michaels: SNL should have ended when John Belushi died...

me: why is everybody so happy at weddings? dancing up a storm even when they can't dance. all uninhibited for the first time in their lives, wild and crazy.

Jen R: because it's not their wedding, marriage is bullshit, just love each other.

brown bunny: you'll never find this jacket...

AI: just did. 

brown bunny: okay but how do you know my address? Peter Cottontail lives in THAT hole?

AI: want me to summarize your emails?

brown bunny: no drugs.

AI: basically everyone wants you dead.

Caitlin Clark: wait, I should be doing the "Foul" State Farm commercial, not Chris Paul...

Caitlin Clark: that's a fucking foul. that's foul like your vagina, ump. that's right, i'm hardcore, baby.

Al: i don't get that reference, it says it's from an episode of Miami Vice entitled "Like a Hurricane" with Sheena Easton that reminds everybody of Silk Stalkings?...

nothing but stares: why wasn't this a Ritchie Valens song?

Idris Elba: work is not working. want me to sign your cast?

McDonald's worker: who are you?

Idris Elba: i'm a rapper. also, the President of the United States, think about it, no more 2024 stress. hello, Stephen Hawking.

Stephen Hawking: i'm eating my McDonald's Salad Shaker. i'm behind a desk now, no more chair...

Idris Elba: i'm not nice, i'm British, do you Americans know what polite is?

Pedro Pascal: i should have been the original Boba Fett. but i drink my bottle of Corona here and all my problems vanish like The Force. the jungle is better than the beach. both are better than the city, the city is shit if you want to escape. you can't dance in the city anymore.

Boba Fett at Comic Con: will the real Boba Fett please stand up? that didn't help, you're all wearing helmets.

Pedro Pascal: look at my Pasqually mustache.

Boba Fett: my phone can locate all the other Bobas.

other Bobas: track you mean. that's lame, dude, the rest of us have laser blasters.

Boba: i am TERRIFIED of getting lost. i have recurring nightmares about getting lost at Comic Con. all those escalators that don't work bleeding into stairs. i can handle Jabba the Hutt.

Bustamante: we the Chicas Leches. the Tres Problemas. the Marianelas stamp is on our long-ass nails. i got a QUEEN chola choker around my neck, i like the band. i eat my Chipotle with SPARKS not sauce. Caitlin Clark's coming for you, Lisa Leslie. 

Julie Patzwald: the three of us show off our tricked-out cherried-out Two-Lane Blacktop Pinto on the sand, surf, and sun of the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk at 8:30 PM when everyone's gone home. always right at sunset. there's no space to park because of that damn Ferris Wheel.

Martin Short: am i in a gang now? The Three Amigos were never really much of a gang.

Jen R: so.........the Giant Dipper rollercoaster was in the film The Lost Boys.

me: okay you got me, i'm a  sucker for '80s movies. this ride is cool now. 

Jen: night scene with the boys and the coaster in neon. 

me: you know what would be even cooler? if we went back in time and STARRED in the movie The Lost Boys.

Jen: i can make that happen, i invented a time machine a long time ago but they wouldn't give me a patent because i was a girl. but we can only be extras. okay? extras are the blood of Hollywood. the lifeblood.