me: i got a text from Jen P.
Jen R: how is that gorgeous bride-to-be doing?!!!
me: she says to go crazy with the palmiers, you can never eat too many palmiers during summer. and that today is the first day of summer...
Jen P: because all the new TV shows are over, both live-action and cartoon. enjoy eating your summer palmiers, that light sugary taste, that golden silk made from Storybook International straw. palmier braids are comforting, and I know braids.
on Wheel of Fortune.
Pat Sajak: why is there yellow straw in my dressing room?
contestant: Pat, i'm ready to solve the puzzle: Right In The Butt.
Pat: yeah that's it.
Vanna White: it's breastfeeding, not bestselling, okay?
Lawrence Tierney, one of the three contestants: i wasn't scary, i just kept a lot of things bottled up inside, for instance that i was Maura Tierney's father. my daughter kept telling me to get out, so i left the house in 1979. i knew how to dance but nobody wanted to see me dance when i went to bars...
Alex Trebek: Wheel of Fortune, brought to you by: Jim Beam. Jim Beam, people are good. for you. but not you.
we're at the back entrance of the Big Sur Library in Jen's car.
me: okay i know you MUST have a bumper sucker that says READ A BOOK on your car.
Jen R: yep. and one that says DON'T MISS PHISH!!! (at the Sphere in Las Vegas). want some M&Ms? i got the GIANT-ASS M&M bags.
me: how'd you know? i love the PEANUT M&Ms like i like the knuckle on my forefinger.
Jen: as Foreigner plays in the background. two for the Amy Winehouse biopic, please. what's your favorite movie food?
me: a GIANT-ASS pail of popcorn with lots of dripping hot movie butter.
Jen: no drizzle for you. it depends, if it's in a theatre i only eat purple candy. if it's at home i only wear red in honor of Netflix.
Stephen Hawking: drive carefully, there is no Heaven. that's the bumper sticker on my motorized walker.
Fuerza: why you gotta harsh my buzz, Stephen Hawking?...
Stephen Hawking: come on, God, let's watch a couple episodes of SilverHawks together.
Fuerza: man you cold like SilverHawks steel.
Howard Hesseman: was i a disc jockey in real life? no. was i a gifted teacher? no. was i a gifted actor? yes. was i a hippie in real life? of course, look at my hair. i am not a homeless man, okay? did i make out with your mother in the soffit? yes, ask her.
Melissa Maker: that mother was me. i was wearing my SoFit steps-counter wristband during it just to see.
Hesseman: the WKRP outro sounds like the Blossom intro...
sliced avocados: the only dish you use a SHORT FORK with.
Danielle Collins: look at my face, not my tits. now, picture me as a blonde.........i'm Rebecca De Mornay. call me Sara...
Julia Child: you gotta admit, doing the whole thing with the pie weights is weird...
Paul: it's your fault your trash can is sticky, you put a mango in there.
at Carmel Beach.
E.Z. Taylor: if you have someone, a surfboard on top of your car is cool. if you don't, it's just sad. if you're getting a divorce, it's lazy.
Jack Tripper: we're talking about E.Z Taylor here, a legend in his own time.
Santa at Safeway: come on, man, take down that tiny-ass wreath on the front grill of your mack truck, it's fucking May. Safeway at 10AM is my only alone time. away from the missus. a tiny-ass time. THERE'S NO GREEN NOTEBOOK IN THIS PLACE?!!! to touch the good-luck green? i'll settle for this tiny-ass purple Vaporwave pad. man with one of those tiny-ass teacup dogs on his shoulder, i used to put Rudolph on my shoulder like that when he was a pup...
Batman Beyond.
Terry: four cracked ribs.
Kevin Conroy: what about your breathing problem?
Terry: i'll breathe when i'm dead.
Paul: waterproof waterbed for incontinence...
SNL 1992 intro: that's not a sign for porn lit up in Broadway lights, that's a car wash...
Rishi Sunak smoking a cigarette: it's a drag, man, but i had to do it...
Leslie Sbrocco: why do you have a show?
Christine Cushing: ...
Leslie: oh...
Super Mario: really? the EXACT SPOT on the grass the recycling bin goes on is where the mole hive entrance is?...
Robin Hood: the bullseye Lyme disease bite is so depressing...
Nigella Lawson: in Britain it's pronounced prinCESS. why wasn't i a princess on Storybook International?
Simon Cowell: and why wasn't i a dunce on that show?
Tara Strong: my clock doesn't say it's 6:30, it says it's 6:38.........YOU'RE LATE!!!
seagull: what am i doing in Carmel? when i could be flying around at the beach or in a forest or at least in a park...
Carmel: do we have waterfalls?...
me: wait hold on, how can i purport to be a Vaporwave hardcore junkie if i stopped drinking Coke?...
Jen R: try a Pepsi vending machine again. soda sober is tricky, i mean are you never again gonna drink a can of ginger ale the rest of your life?!!! even when you're at Disneyland?!!!
Northern Lights: we're Vaporwave now...
Mission tortilla chips: because you fell in love with OUR Mexican brown bag...
Eye Luggage: The Magician (1958) and go.
Ingmar Bergman: i pray to God this all goes smoothly. this is all so neat-o. why did i give this one my only happy ending? look at my face in all those behind-the-scenes photos, i'm having a BALL!!! for someone ass-deep in darkness, i'm always smiling!!! i'm smiling in every interview, too. because i truly LIKED writing and directing!!! theatre life was SO much better than being a postman...
Bibi Andersson: look at my tits i mean face, would you believe me if i told you i was not Swedish but Swiss?...
Roger Federer drinking hot chocolate: ...
Ingmar: look at my face, get it? this is called The Face everywhere else because it was originally about a boxer, i co-wrote the script with Rod Serling...
Rod Serling: talk about a dream team!!!
Max von Sydow: i mean were we born lucky or what? we just happened to be born right place right time where we all entered Ingmar's acting troupe and that was our lives, to act in all these groundbreaking plays. we didn't go to school or the prom or nothing, we just started acting when we turned 14, it was the greatest fucking circus of all time...
Ingmar: no Oscar for this one?
Billy Crystal: sorry, i was a little busy attending Robin Williams's funeral.
Ingmar: ooh that sounds dark, let me get my camcorder, i'm gonna film the funeral for my next film...
Albert Vogler: just call me Dracula.
Ingrid Thulin: that John Waters pencil mustache of yours is freaky. don't come to bed with that mess.
Ingmar: there's a little Nosferatu in here, too, i'm gunning for the reboot helm. my chair size is 3.
Ingrid: what's the big deal? i'm just doing drag.
Magnetic Health Theater: featuring Slim Goodbody and Jamie Lee Curtis!!!
Ingmar Bergman: God is not neat, but movies are...
Granny Vogler: i was a babe on vaudeville. a babe on the vaudeville stage.
Gladyce with a kiss on her old wrinkled cheek: Granny Vogler!!! how was Copenhagen?
Granny Vogler: we had to move back. Ingmar doesn't let us have any fun.
Doryce: just stay in those Evil Dead woods for a while and the fun will pick up.
Tubal: i'm the Charlie Sheen of this group, i got the Charlie charisma.
Bibi: you made my Swiss braids curl up and i popped out of my bustier!!!
the driver: call me Homer...
the driver: as in i take you home...
the Coachman from Pinocchio: Guillermo who? this movie is about invisible puppet strings...
Vogler: animal magnetism is a thing. but humans aren't really animals...
Thulin: right? it took you FOREVER to ask me to prom.
Ingmar: there's truth in numbers, there's truth in the troupe...
Max: the troupe in this movie and our troupe in real life...
Johan Spegel: those screams in the woods were my indigestion at having missed the final Depeche Mode concert. look into my eyes as i die, there's nothing on the other side.
Vogler: you're cheating!!! i can see your eyeballs moving under your lids. you're in REM sleep.
Spegel: that's why i'm not scared of death, death is a dream.
Michael Stipe drinking an iced Nescafe: no i do NOT want a VOGUE Magazine to read!!!
Egerman: we're a very close-minded village, we believe in God but not the occult.
Ottilia: speak for yourself, i need a toy boy.
Egerman: notice how we never questioned you about the body in the carriage...
Ottilia: i was told this would be Hamlet.
Ingmar: close enough...
Vogler: i am mute.
Ottilia: join me in my chamber when the husband leaves for night work. the strong silent type, i like that in a man, even though they later end up going crazy from holding it in. about my dead daughter...
Vogler: that's a real boner-killer, madam.
Kevin Kline: i am Dr. Vergerus, Minister of Health. but you may call me Kevin Kline. i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown but you won't see that on my face, you'll only see strength, i have to keep it together for what's left of my family.
Dirg: wait is that true? a human can ingest rat poison and it doesn't really have an effect on him? just wondering...
Bibi: i don't need any strange smelly love potions, i just need to keep my Swiss tits washed. what happens to you when i push your face into my tits?
Simson: stop it, i'm gay!!!.........okay i'm not gay.........why is there yellow straw everywhere?...
Sanna: Granny frightens me to death, and i'm young. she's a witch!!!
Gladyce: no, she's the finest soprano i ever heard.
Doryce: you should hear her sing some time to you, child.
Sanna: that is such a sweet lullaby, Granny. do you think i'll fall in love with a soldier passing by the village?
Granny: girl why would you want to do that? don't you want a good life?
Sanna: Granny, how old are you?
Granny: we're all the same age...
Sanna: Granny, what is love?
Granny: the thing humans think about to distract them from death.........at least for a while...
Johan: i wasted my life.
Billy Corgan: get in line, pal.
Johan: i'm crazy but not crazy crazy.
Vogler: you know instead of dying in this coffin, you could just run away and start over in the next village...
Billy Corgan: are you wrestling's The Undertaker?...
Johan: yeah i'm not really dying, i just have a drug problem. actors feel more than other humans, you know?
Ingmar: and filmmakers think more. producers should write more.
Vogler: want a Vicks cough drop?
Vogler: want me to strike you with your own walking cane?!!!
Kevin Kline: who are you, Liam Neeson?
Vogler: i shall bundle you out into the next room!!! that's how fights work on stage in a theatre play...
Laertus: HE SPEAKS!!!
Max von Sydow: fooled ya.
Ingmar: yeah i couldn't rightly pay Max the full amount, the severance pay for actors, if he never said one line.
Max: i have a big package.
Ingmar: although he does have a striking face. like the good doctor your face haunts my nightmares, Max. for that alone, hazard pay.
Vogler: i don't speak to people because it's such a hassle.
Henrietta: my husband has a hairy mole on his cock.
husband: it's a skin tag on my penis.
Henrietta: he's never taken our daughter to Chuck E. Cheese, i like the chicken robot there. why do my innards feel Wavy Gravy? oh i get it, animal magnetism, because you use actual magnets...
Ingmar: WAIT!!! we're not doing this scene, give the chains to LeVar Burton, i hope Roots wins the Emmy. we'll give the big guy a part on Game of Thrones.
Vogler: like the great Harry Houdini i shall fake my own death.........no this is not an Andy Kaufman lobster-water thing...
Ingmar: we'll get Scully to do the autopsy, she specializes in alien bodies...
Mulder: thanks.
Ingmar Bergman: and we end this film with circus music!!! i was jovial in the edit bay, i had just started taking holy basil...
Ingmar Bergman: g'night folks. or as we say in Sweden, i bid you a fond adieu.
Jen and i by the cookout open grill fire outside the library: happy weekend, my babies.
me: what are we eating this weekend?
Jen R: you mean drinking. have you ever tried Rocket Ship?
me: what's that? what concoction up your brain.
Jen: lemonade with two scoops of Lipton iced-tea powder.
me: my life is meaningless without you. what are we eating this weekend?
Jen: the new Burger King Philly Cheesesteak melt.
me: i'm eating it while doing the Boyz II Men "Motownphilly" dance. with my Cooleyhighharmony walking cane.
Jen: you can only eat it with the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air intro song playing in the background, i refuse to cancel Will Smith...
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