SKY GLIDER

 

we're at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. Jen R and i are on the Sky Glider.

me: i'm not liking this, i'm scared of heights, and this is REALLY HIGH!!! doesn't seem too safe, there's just one thin wire holding us all up from crashing onto sand.

Jen R: relax, the Disneyland one is higher but you were relaxed because of all the Disney characters.

me: my kidney is jumping, more like Kidneyland.

Jen: tram tranquility. this place has NO characters, no mascots. it's just a place. 

Aunt Cork and Uncle Russ in the tram behind us: what was the name of this place again?

Jen: the ride from Big Sur to here was a lovely trip. you missed it, you kept your eyes closed the whole way.

me: you know me, i'm a nervous driver even when i don't drive. where's your car now?

Jen: the '73 silver VW Bug? it's hanging on this line like a linen laundry sheet...

Bill Walton in a tram wearing an electric Hawaiian shirt and shocking Hawaiian tweed shorts: don't you worry about me, i'm the only light the world has left to combat the darkness, i'm still burning bright shining light. it was touch and go at the hospital but Grateful Dead music fed to me by Jerry Garcia himself through osmosis pulled me through, saved me, woke me up again. i'm grateful.

Jerry Garcia: it was tough getting through Bill's hair, his hair is so Wavy Gravy we weren't sure we had strong-enough headphones.

Bill: steel headphones with a Grateful Dead sticker for my hard ginger curls. not tinfoil. 

dad: Ho Walton!!!

Bill: Ho Peter!!!

dad: my ivy man, my fellow stutterer, you went from stutterer to rhapsodic personality and the world is better for it. you dunked your head into everyone's lives to check in on them. like a giraffe neck.

Bill: i got my effervescence from me, not soda. my ZEST FOR LIFE got me out of it. don't forget to tell your loved ones how you're feeling, don't keep it a secret, maybe they can help...

Jen R jumps out of the tram onto the roof of the food shack.

me: wait for me, i can't do that, this ride takes 30 minutes...

Jen: hungry. 

Jesse Eisenberg wearing a brown uniform apron: i feel ya, you want one of these BIG-ASS circus pickles in a bag of brine? Polish pickles are the way to go. hey you got any ADHD gummies?

Jen: slow your roll, my man, i'm fresh out. just calm down. chillax, you're just a kid. do an ollie to relax.

Tony Hawk: i surf, too. i surf here on Wednesday mornings.

Jen: hey do you know what carnival food is for? like funnel cake?

me: it seems it should be cake in the shape of a funnel, like triangular Legend of Zelda cake. 

Jen: yeah but it's dough squeezed out of a funnel. it looks like pizza.

Ear Horn: new at Pic-N-Save!!! Ingmar Bergroot, otherwise known as holy basil...

pork rind: i'm the third chip, after potato and tortilla. 

Pringle: i'm the weird cousin.

hard-boiled eggs: so you don't have to lug around that two-ton cast-iron skillet on your shoulder.

Ingmar Bergman: smoke and mirrors is the magic of life...

Jen R: wait, why not Peanut Skittles? right? a giant peanut inside each Skittle, like they do with M&Ms. why couldn't this work?

me: if that doesn't work at least have peanut-flavored Skittles...

Denice May: it's stupa, not stupid.

Tai: grandma!!! how's the extended family down in Live Oak?

Buddha: the tree i found enlightenment under was NOT the George Washington tree...

Isaac Newton: Peanut Newtons, think about it...

Jimmy Carter: 200 years old is possible.

Abbot Butt: you were built for this. you were built to be a monk.

me: you think?

Abbot Butt: yeah. now build your own cell, we're down a couple of men...

Julia Ioffe on Instagram: it's a little bit creepy when the person responds INSTANTLY to your comment, it's like they've been up all night lying in wait waiting for you to wake up.

Michael Weiss: sorry.

Paul: i got a WKRP pickup truck that is parked with its butt jutted out of my driveway hanging into the road just enough in the morning to let the freewayers know what's up...

the Safeway parking lot: the most dangerous place en Earth. more dangerous than the Sahara or Mojave deserts.

Jane Asher: who's Paul McCartney? i swam my first race at 100 years old. my teeth were so brittle i couldn't bite down on my gold medal!!! 

Gladyce: now if that isn't the stuff of crones i don't know what is.

Pati Jinich wearing a Santa hat on Christmas: i got my rompopo and my torrejas. Mexican French toast is better. picture me with a creamier more custardy interior.

Pati Jinich's sons: come on, mom, cream inside? we don't need another brother.

Pati: fine, Pee-wee Herman taught me how to make French toast, too...

Domino's Pizza UK boss: i quit. fuck all this pizza shite, yeah? naked barmaids everywhere, a bloke's heart can't take it. i'm going back to the village with mum. take this breadstick and stick it up your arse.

Jen and i on the tram together.

Jen R: drinking of you. cheers. that's my Bug bumper sticker. tram team.

me: what we drinkin'?

Jen: carnival champagne, which is carrot juice.

at the Monaco Grand Prix.

Melbourne: i'm at a Steak n Shake in Monaco. this is better than being in Heaven. 

Serrano: right? it doesn't get better than this. Monaco is magic. Monaco is mystical. Monaco is the only place that reminds you that in this tiny square of land, Earth is magic. Earth is mystical.

Jesus wearing a Formula 1 racing breathing helmet and racing civvies: the world is magic. the world is mystical...

Rafa Nadal: now that i'm newly-minted retired, Monaco is my paradise tax shelter...

Serrano: how's your F1 car running?

Melbourne: never rode it. James Bond borrowed it for something. how's your F1 car running?

Serrano: never rode it. i had a tennis tee time at the same time...

Andy Murray videotaping the Alcaraz/Djokovic Wimbledon final: i'm not a stalker. this is for practice. you know, tennis training?

Jim Courier: you're plagiarizing their moves.

Andy Murray: okay you know wot? fuck you, mate. you want me to become David Brent and stalk you at your Wimbledon rental flat next fortnight? 

Carlitos Alcaraz: the Carlitos Camcorder is now a thing. retro is back.

Trent Reznor: no i did not name my baby Nini...

Natalie Pinkham at Monaco: TURN IT OFF!!! Ozzy Osbourne's voice slowed down sounds normal.

Stephen Hawking: it's like my voice before the chair.

chocolate fireguard: only because everyone's favorite flavor is strawberry.

Buckwheat from SNL: ...

Dutch Round Table: pizza.

Steak n Shake Monaco in racing livery: ...

In-N-Out Burger in uniform: you win.

Greykid: get those Fancy Feast Gems, i'll provide the gravy...

Abbot Butt: so just the ziggurat?...

Jay Graber: it's pronounced Blueski.

John Belushi in a toga: ...

Jay Graber: how's that grab ya? my favorite thing to do as a kid was watch Lance on Voltron while doing lanyards.

on the Toonami boards: have to go to a wedding this weekend.........obviously not my wedding...

Bess Armstrong: look at my face.........of course i went to Brown...

wax paper: because fuck that annoying cling wrap.

Debra Winger: is it just me or do i look like Gwyneth Paltrow?...

Debra Winger: i'm the only "difficult, hard-to-work-with" actress who's actually sexy as fuck BECAUSE i'm difficult and hard to work with...

Debra Winger: An Officer and a Gentleman, now see, but would you watch THAT '80s movie?...

Abbot Butt: you're getting married this summer.........married to the Church...

Dana Carvey: you must concede, Dana as a man's name is cooler, more substantial, more full of grandeur.

Dana Plato: i concede nothing, you look like me in drag.

Ashley Parker: our bottles are made from other bottles...

Jim Comey: that's how the government should work...

Doryce: Big As Ya Like, the name of my zither band in college.

Gladyce: dear, you fell in love with the lead zither.

Gunter Grass: i'm German Kurt Vonnegut...

Kurt Vonnegut: touch grass, man, i don't fuck with you. i don't smoke with you. The Tin Drum is just a copy of My Life as a Dog!!!

Gunter Grass: at least mine doesn't have Angela Chase in it that annoying ginger girl.

Kurt: Angela's not annoying, she's vexing and exasperating, there's a difference.

Jen R: okay so as we're on the Sky Glider coming from the opposite direction i was told Fred Flintstone in flip flops would be coming to greet us as he passes by us in his tram. and here he is now.

me: yes except that's not Fred  Flintstone.

Jen: yeah i know, right? it's just some sort of random caveman? i'd hate to see Wilma...

Jen R: oh boy LOOK!!! next tram up, blast from the past!!! from the '70s!!! those are the girls from Little House on the Prairie!!! Laura and that bitch blonde girl.

Melissa Gilbert: if it wasn't for me, nobody would know Laura Ingalls Wilder's name...

Jen: yes, Scudders, Monterey's own Scudder!!! potato chips and peanut butter and ranch powder.

Laura Scudder: that vintage '80s potato-chip bag with the gold, red, yellow, and brown stripes... 

Jen: peanut butter potato chips sound good right about now.

Michael Landon: we're up HIGH, like we're on our way to Heaven. now don't you worry, you little motherfuckers, we'll get through this tightrope fine...