RETIREMENT VILLAGE

 

me: so what's the best way to get around this retirement village?

Jen R: shuttle bus. you know one of those cool green-tea-green tiny buses that only drives a couple of feet from the library to the cells because it's confined to within the confines of the village. no one knows about this bus, the outside world has no idea, only we know about this bus.

grandma: my motorized walker is faster than this damn bus!!! at least make a stop at Denny's!!!

our driver of the village shuttle bus is Henry Miller.

Jen R: is the Big Sur Library yours?

Henry Miller: you think America would let me own anything? i'm too dangerous for them. we're stopping at the library then the village, and then i'm gonna hop the fence and make a beeline to the strip club before 5PM so we get the discount.

Jen and i defenestrate out of the that shuttle window and land on our feet at the village front door, the reception circle where everyone checks in.

Jen: but they don't check out. wide area here.

there, Paco from Nurses is sweeping the ceiling.

Paco: just finishing my night shift at 1PM. Michael Keaton gave me some vitamins. i'm turning over the chandelier cups and looking to see if there's gold nuggets in them. 

Jen: whom should we look out for, Paco?

Paco: there's a schizophrenic who roams these waxed halls who looks like Santa with a ponytail in street clothes. he comes across as lucid but is anything but, don't eat anything he offers. 

Santa, sniffing: want some palmiers?

Babar: i can't eat those cookies!!! i get flashbacks!!!

Santa: i hit on all the ladies here, i'm friendly like that. ditch the rest and get with the best, forget that Gob Bluth segway, i got the fastest motorized walker in this dump, it can go 30MPH, you little shit. call me Matt Groening.

Matt Groening: you do NOT look like me, dude!!! stay in your lane, stay in your sleigh.

Santa: sorry man, wanna fight? fine, i'm David Letterman.

Matt Groening: why was "Bart's Brain" the season finale? that was a terrible concept and episode, leaves the viewer with a bad taste in their mouth thinking about The Simpsons over the summer. the season finale should have been "Cremains of the Day," that was the most heartfelt episode of The Simpsons in 30 years!!!

on the village golf course.

Nathalie Sheehan: look at my butt as i show you the correct stance. be the ball. the golf ball. the golf ball that's in my mouth. did i make you live again? are you back in the swing of things?...

golf chaplain: i'm getting a strange sensation in the front of my golf pants.

thick and fast: Doryce on Thursdays.

the elder villagers watching the community TV in the Great Timberwolf Lounge.

old people: My So-Called Life is a slog to get through.........but that's the point.

Bess Armstrong: you remember this show because you remember me being the difficult mother. with my own particular brand of bitch.

Angela: i wasn't a difficult teenager, i was a normal teenager growing up in the Grunge '90s.

Victor Mature: yes, i am Chris Noth's father.

Peter Buck from R.E.M.: brilliantine to make your hair look like The Stray Cats.

rockabilly rats at Chuck E. Cheese: and brilliantine like the carpets at St. Cyril's.

Tom Brady: i got bradycardia after that roast...

Jesus eating at Bagel Bakery: wine bagels, think about it. we gotta get back to when fishers of men baked their own bread. we gotta get back to 1989.

Caitlin Clark: are you starting to see the Caitlin Clark Heart everywhere?...

Greta Thunberg: i hate walking past a gas station and that waft of death enters my nostrils. that smell of ghastly gasoline, of putrid petrol, of fetid fuel.

Hulk Hogan: noxious nitro.

Metallica: we've teamed up with Ninja Kamui to do some things...

Rory McIlroy: call me Moving Day McIlroy. Ray Kroc took me to church, Hozier is too vegan for me.

Kathy Bates: so Andy, what do you think of a female Matlock?

Andy Griffith: ma'am i shall not respond to you. i am kindly terrified of you.

at the village dining hall around the table round.

Chris Pine: i hated being a waiter. i'm not a people person. i'm glad Red Lobster is shutting down, both reasons.

at the community SNL kitchen.

Lorne Michaels: unload the dishwasher, Bowen, i need a dirty mug for my tobacco spit.

Bowen Yang: but the show starts in 5, i'm in the Cold Open...

Lorne: unload the entire dishwasher for 10,000 guests who are coming to the wrap party, Bowen, do this from 11:30PM to 1AM.

Bowen: seriously, dude?

Michael Weiss: everyone does their Instagram work at 11PM...

overhead at St. Cyril's on Pentecost: that kicker is Catholic? well he's obviously not L.A. Catholic. he's not a coastal Catholic, we're cool.

Ernest Hemingway: the moveable feast, that's real football.

Uncle Buck: if you're a sillyheart, do regional theatre for 1st Graders. you can't be a jabberbox tho, you have to be VEWY QUIET in a blackbox theatre or the whole thing gets messed up. the play's not your thing? watch Jabberjaw.

Shakespeare: oh i hate that infernal shark. who knew a shark could be so annoying.

Jaws: ...

Arthur: people think i'm a wimp but i eat serrabanero sauce for breakfast each morning.

Muffy: do you have to go to the bathroom?

Arthur: no i do not have to go to the bathroom. what does D.W. stand for, sis?

D.W.: Don't Wash. don't wash after you use the bathroom, big bro, that's what my teacher says.

Wilson Cruz: remember notes slipped through the slots of lockers?

Angela Chase: Three Rivers, a good place for cheese. Chris Matthews is here now reliving the '90s.

Wilson Cruz: i was the first troubled gay boy America wanted to wrap its arms around and protect from the cold cruel outside world, WAY BEFORE anyone on Degrassi...

  

Jordan Catalano: i'm the only one who actually spends the holidays alone. my life sucks.

Lisa Wilhoit: don't mind me, i'm just the put-upon little sister who is frustratingly forever kept out of the loop.

Kevin Conroy: this show was dark like Batman: The Animated Series. no i mean like My So-Called Life was shot on a black screen or something.

Angela: that set was fucking grimy.

Greykid the cat: good win at the Preakness, my brother from another mother!!!

John Belushi: if i was still alive i'd be hosting the first episode of the 50th SNL season.

Lorne Michaels: i should just write all the sketches. 

John Belushi: remember, SNL is a long watch, eat dinner first...

Hill Street Blues: this was the actual show where they'd have tables of '80s cocaine on set for the cast instead of craft service.

Ingmar Bergman: the My So-Called Life intro, like my masterpiece Cries and Whispers.

Michael Phelps: i'll never give up. my mental-health buddy and i look after each other, we're always just a phone call away when we're struggling. right, Jay?

Jay Glazer: i love you, buddy. we have weirdly different weightlifting routines, i'm more bulk, you're more lean.

Tony Hawk: it's a little unfair for the Olympic skateboarders. there's only one half-pipe event, you swimmers get 10 races.

Michael Phelps: i gave away all my 10 Olympic gold medals to Jay Glazer.

Jay Glazer: i wear them around my stubby neck and pretend they're Olympic weightlifting medals. 

Julia Child: the patch i wear on my blouse is the French cooking school i started. the same cooking school that kicked Gordon Ramsay out.

Jen R: blouse pocket.

Gordon Ramsay: why'd you kick me out of your school, old bat?

Julia: but i'm young here. i kicked you out because all you made were hamburgers.

Ear Horn at the village pill counter: the most sumptuous smell there is is the waft from an opened bottle of Vitamin B-Complex.

Arnold Horshack: it smells like the Flintstones vitamins i eat for breakfast!!!

Loni Anderson in the red-carpeted village executive suite: i eat lunch in Jamaica at 10AM, only HARDCORE FANS of WKRP in Cincinnati would know that.

Gordon Jump: i was the last red-blooded American. i lost my U.S. Savings Bonds slip in the crack of the village community Maytag washing machine. i need a Winchell's cherry jelly donut...

Gordon Jump: look, i thought i was watching The Bicycle Thief, okay?

Gary Coleman: whatchu talkin' bout, you village villain. 

Ingmar Bergman on the village stage: Cries and Whispers was a series of stage whispers...

Snagglepuss: retire, exit stage left...

Jen R: oh Santa's not so bad, he's just weird, i get weird. but why'd you eat the entire big-ass tray of 10,000 palmiers yourself? that was for the cast and crew i mean the villagers.

Santa: because i thought i was French.

Jen: what should we wash down all these palmiers with?

Santa: my mouth's full so i can't tell you.

Jen: let's do a Mokalita.

me: you are so kind to me, you know that? you can only do a Mokalita if you have coffee AND Abuelita Mexican hot chocolate.

Jen: and you know me, i stuff my bra with 2 of those Abuelita tablets, that's why my tits are always hard.