THE DODECAHEDRONS IN ANCIENT ROME

 

Jen R: this is wild. we're actually in Ancient Rome.

me: i'm scared. what do we do now? hold me.

Jen R: hold onto my pink grandma sweater sleeve. we have to solve the mystery of these dodecahedrons, what were they used for in Ancient Rome?

The Pirates of Dark Water: money...

me: curious little buggers. they look strange yet somehow familiar. they look like tiny submarines.

Jen: that's good!!! but what does that mean? to me they look like a patch you put over your eye when the Roman eye doctor would check your eyes for blindness, he'd shoot a laser beam down your pupil and suddenly the eye chart would appear.

me: that wasn't just stars in your eyes?

Jen: don't scoff, the Romans were advanced for their time, man.

me: as long as it's not a rat cage over the eyes.

Winston Smith: set about me with a cudgel, that's fine. i can take anything else.

Jen: were you in Ancient Rome, Mr. Smith?

Winston Smith: of course, that's how i learned which governments work.

Jen is driving me in her pink Prius with the LITHIUM license plate.

Jen R: it's a Filet-o-Fish mist!!!

me: are you sure we won't stand out with a car in Ancient Rome?

Jen: nah, i'm telling you, the Romans were advanced. a car is right up their alley. water alley.

me: New England weather is the best weather. especially when it's in California. i'm not a fan of the hot weather but i recognize hot weather means the power stays on so i'm good.

SUDDENLY the aqueduct our car was driving over crumbles into the Roman river below taking us with it along for the ride of the stream. 

Jen R: this water tastes funny. hey, dodo bird.

dodo bird: yes? that's not an insult. that's my name, don't wear it out.

Jen: where's the nearest Burger Emperor?

dodo: i wouldn't know, i eat healthy. i eat birdseed. birdeed on those burger buns.

Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors picks us up by her branches and saves us from the cascade.

Jen: sorry but we have no feed, do i look like a Seymour to you? look at my pretty face. we would have brought a picnic lunch if we knew we'd be whisked to Ancient Rome. you guys don't know what scrambled eggs are yet, right?

Audrey II: without context, i hope you win.

Jen: Audrey II, that is such a Roman Prelate name.

Jaws in the babbling brook: don't worry, the girl swimming in the ocean is okay. i rescued her with the help of a Legend of Zelda dinosaur.

Jen: I GOT IT!!!

Lindy Lenz: so i gave you my phone number, right? of my own volition?

me: yes.

Lindy: here's the problem, i just got evicted from that phone number, remember?
me: so what's your new number?

Lindy: no idea. i'm homeless.

AI: an ancient Chinese recipe can now be preserved. not to create and seat a billion-dollar conglomerate, simply to impress your father-in-law with your cooking skills. we promise.

Lindy Lenz: this is how it always starts, the girl gets evicted from her old apartment, has nowhere to stay, and is left with no choice but to move in with the long-lovelorn male just-friend...

Zooglea: worse than cicadas in the summer. they sleep in your AC water. also the villain of a Nintendo 64 game.

Smiling Friends: ...

Jen R: hello.

Lindy Lenz: hello.

Jen R: Baltimore Babies?

Lindy: yep. 

me: instant wife, instant life.

Lindy: i need a place to rest my head more than a place to stay.

Jen: don't you love it when i reply to myself on Instagram?

Hulk Hogan: heel pillow, when the bad guy needs to sleep.

Andre the Giant at Spago: you wouldn't know anything about that...

Hulk Hogan: needs to sleep, both meanings.

Boc: people don't realize what day it is, you know? they just keep going and going and going. it's Saturday.

Louis Sachar: ...

Super Peach: as a princess i am forbidden to drink coffee. isn't it weird when your belly is full of coffee as you take your morning walk PAST the coffee hut?

Giant James: mama?

Herve Villechaize: DA PLANE DA PLANE!!!

Arnold Schwarzenegger: DA CHOPPA DA CHOPPA!!!

Danny DeVito: Herve, you should have been best friends with me, my man.

The Doctor: my thing still works. my air vehicle still works, too. how will Doctor Who fare when it's straight streaming?...

Jen R: i'm moving into a Three's Company apartment.

me: YES!!! we'll have dinner each night from just bar food from the Regal Beagle.

Dirg: what's the difference between you and me on Instagram? your Instagram has photos of actual people...

brace: what it should mean, a 1-1 score in soccer.

me: definitely not a back brace.

Lois Lowry at the ancient St. Cyril's library: i give and i give and i give and all the adults want to do is censor their children. kids are more intelligent than adults will ever be, adults run out of time.

Takahashi: have you ever tasted a Japanese sandwich?

Madame Pons: does 7-Eleven count?

gooey butter cake: does not involve Brussel sprouts.

Minster: i made out in the prebend.

Jack Tripper: the San Diego State collegiate church was a party, boy, let me tell ya. two nuns a night, you know what i'm sayin'?

Patti Jinich: isn't it adorable how i pronounce the word "sirloin"? my pussy tastes like avocado.

Lana Del Rey: ...

Jacques Pepin: Jean-Claude is my best friend and i don't know why. i am vivacious, gregarious, i talk a lot with my THICK French accent.

Jean-Claude: and i don't talk. i look miserable like i'm always about to die. my face looks like i ate a rancid seabass whole.

Nadal: i'm not balding, i'm not going bald, that's your television set. appreciate the wisdom on top of my head. tennis took my knees.

dead meat: said in the '80s. not said after...

Boc: never go for a walk during a power outage...

Earthquake (1975): ...

Paul: remember, use spray for caca, not for pee.

Chuck E. Cheese: Mother's Day power outage, PG&E?!!! really?!!! not a good look. PG&E ruined Mother's Day!!!

PG&E: the terrorists have won. y'all won.

Chuck E. Cheese's mother wearing refined glasses: and i was so looking forward to the cheese bouquet my son was going to give me.

Pac-Man: my head was actually patterned after a wheel of cheese with a wedge cut out.

power outage: another natural disaster like a hurricane or tornado.

PGA Championship: THE BIGGEST TROPHY IN GOLF!!!.........physically. it's actually the smallest trophy in golf...

PG&E: we are not involved with this championship. no sport will sponsor us.

The Doctor: why does the new Doctor Who season look like a Saturday-morning cartoon?

Carmel: always looking out your window fearing you're minutes away from Mad Max times.

Melbourne in his Corvette: yeah it's hard for me to be cool driving down Main Street during a power outage blasting my loud rap beats on my car radio.

Kurt Cobain of Nirvana: i welcome the R.E.M. comparisons. i welcome more R.E.M. in my life. how did my daughter turn out so stable and kind after i left?

Michael Stipe: because I raised her.

Parmesan cheese: i'm only fluffy once.

Jen R: i snort Parmesan cheese through a coffee stirrer. 

Teri Hatcher: they're real and they're spectacular.

Bustamante: ...

Bustamante: ...al chile.

Harry & David at the ancient Roman cheese shoppe: try our new wheels of cheese that look like Pac-Man!!!

Margery Fish at the malthouse: i was the first person to be sound in wind and limb. i am the fish called Wanda. my garden is better than Jacques Pepin's AND Mendel's. because it's secret.

Paul: yeah yeah, poo and paper is the goal. but you know when i REALLY want to stretch my artist limbs i become another person, my alter ego, a man by the name of Erie who does deep resonant storytelling with nude women as muse models, art heavily forbidden in Christian Georgia. i shave off my grey Mario beard to avoid detection.

Wuigi: too late, i'm hooked. by the art not the moonshine. 

Paul: narrative in my deep resonant voice. i show-gallery at Georgia Tech nights.

Jack Tripper: right on, brother.

Robert Crumb: only i can do true skateboard art.

Tony Hawk: you are my inspiration, sir. Mr. Crumb, i drew on the back of all my skateboards because of you.

Robert Crumb: and i think somewhere along the way i hit my head not wearing my skateboard helmet and ended up me.

Jen R: hear that?

me: what?

Jen: apparently Jacques Cousteau was whispering this whole time.

Jacques Cousteau: no i wasn't!!! i was YELLING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!!

Jacques bites Jen's ankles.

Jacques: tasty ankles, cher.

Jen: now i get it. Jacques Cousteau was miniaturized by the water, the water is shrinking water. Audrey II stayed above the water, above the fray, over the aqueduct bridge of grey bricks, sipping the water ever so gently into her roots for just enough moist moisture. 

Audrey II: i don't drink, i dab.

Jen: that's why she remained a big girl. and why she's always hungry, the poor girl just drinks. and why Jaws was a cute shark like a carnival plush. 

me: so where does this leave the dodecahedrons?

Jen: they were the jacks the Roman Titans used to play with. 

Jacques: jacks?

Jen: you know, knucklebones.

Jacques Cousteau, his waterlogged eyes tilted back: bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy ball.