Jen R arrives at a strange tower to the side of The Barnyard. she's wearing a pink racing suit driving her purple Marmon Wasp with neat knit racing gloves. the car has a giant encircled 11 on the sidedoor.
Jen R: like my Vaporwave ride? it stops time.
me: i'm scared of cars unless they are cool.
Jen: like my Speed Racer helmet? remember, cars aren't everything.
me: hey, did you see the Parade of Planets last night?
Jen R: yeah. you were with me, not the other way around.
Carl Sagan: there was SO much more space to explore before i died...
Jen R: but what IS this strange tower that erected itself in the middle of the night?
me: right? i've been sussing it out all morning like that portly British guy with the professor beard on Sliders. to no avail.
Jen: it looks like the WB Water Tower before that whole standpipe incident. but no water, all around its siding is rows and rows of silver chargeboxes and electrical wires. fuses like a fatherfucker for days.
me: is it trying to give us better Cable TV?
Jen: that'll be the day.
the month of June at the baseball fields: there's nobody else from the town here, no one is around, summer silence, it's just people playing college baseball in front of no crowds trying to get the rest of these games done...
Lindy Lenz: everytime i think of TOGO'S sandwiches i think of the Hum song "Waves"...
Amanda Fix: greatest last name in Hollywood.
Pati Jinich: i've never had something do a number on me the way an unripe avocado eviscerated my finger...
seagulls: we're in summer break, see our flying formation getting the heck out of your city?...
ICC: we just play cricket here, okay bro? we're mellow here, we don't judge.
Jen R: you need a haircut.
me: i got three-month growth.
Jen: you look like Alan Moore.
Alan Moore: shouldn't i have been in Harry Potter?...
grandma on a ClearCaptions phone: why is my eye doctor telling me to fuck off? are the captions wrong?
eye doctor: no. you hurt me.
Michael Imperioli: when you see a black sedan car with all the windows tinted and shut except the right-rear window is slightly-ajar open, do not approach this car...
Uncle Sigh: hey is for horses. you're dead meat.
Boc: the Safeway parking lot, a row of cars lined as far as the eye can see, all cars stuffed to the brim with trash, overflowing, all car doors open, sandals strewn everywhere all over the parking lot. it feels like Berkeley. it feels like home.
Greykid: may we all live 700 years...
the crones at The Tree House Cafe in Carmel.
Gladyce: what we eatin'?
Doryce: it must be better than food from home...
Treehouse Cafe: all focaccia is the same square shape and the same square powder...
Jen R: those little-ass focaccia sandwiches, powdery like '80s Hill Street Blues cocaine, the good stuff.
State Farm: notice how we couldn't get a famous Lucha Libre wrestler...
famous luchador: you did but nobody knew who he was...
Jen and i at The Treehouse.
me: what's that sound? it sounds like the the shaking of a 16-pound bottle of shampoo.
Jen R: it's ketchup.
Justin Fashanu: sadly, a soccer player's skills are kicks, goals, and how he responds to racism on the pitch...
Sheena Easton on Miami Vice: i know it sounds like i'm singing "Black Velvet" but i'm not...
penguin: Ice Pops at the wedding, think about it...
Lindy Lenz: are you ready to give up Instagram and just use the computer for Zoom dates?...
at CBS Golf.
Rory McIlroy: so, uh, where we gonna fuck? right out here in the 18th hole? right out here on the golf course?
Amanda Balionis: in the golf tent. at 5PM, we have to wait for Jim Nantz to leave.
Rory: Balionis like balloons i mean ball, like a golf ball.
Amanda: okay so i'm Sheena Easton and you're Crockett...
Jen P: never fall in love with someone for what his job is, fall in love with the person. fall in love with THEM. i learned this the hard way...
The Vision of Escaflowne: add some spice to Toonami Rewind...
Justin Fashanu: i have a Roman name...
please hold: not a 1950s AT&T secretary manning the pegboard switchboard, spaghetti sauce cooking in a mug in the microwave under wax paper...
Mardith: pegging, switching...
Suzy Lu: i want to see what Hinata's wedding dress is.........for my own wedding dress...
Steejo: can i at least be your bezzer?...
Ingmar Bergman: do they still have cigarette girls at the Bellmansro?...
Mister Rogers: tram stop ain't trolleys, bub.
Eric Clapton: do you feel all back, Ingmar? my guitarist is the guy who came after Hesseman on Head of the Class...
Bess Armstrong: so do we do a movie together?
Debra Winger: it would be impossible, both meanings.
Bess: drop-dead gorgeous and completely bonkers.
Debra: in other words, an actress.
WWF in the '80s.
Mean Gene: and lastly, coming out of the tunnel into the arena.........this man needs no introduction, he is simply.........LEBRON JAMES!!!
LeBron James: where's my entrance music? where's my Alan Parsons Project "Sirius"?...
at a 1920s health club with sun floorboards, medicine balls, and tons of tonic water in large bottles in Tiburon, California: come to our retreat, hide in our hills this summer, you're not supposed to do vacation stuff during summer, vacation activities, during summer you're supposed to sleep 17 hours a day. if you want to do something we have one of those armband things you stretch across the room that's a basketball court.
Alice Cooper: i need a legband for my chicken legs...
ataraxia: the river Juine in France...
Pati Jinich: the lesson is harder than the avocado skin.
avocado: i must be squishy like your skin, mama. i must slide off with ease with your finger under and make your fingers messy in chunks like your sex. your sex stinging like lemon juice.
Pati: do not think you can seduce me, avocado, i'm not one of your pits.
Link: ...
Pati: i am more pungent than you can possibly imagine.
Jen R: art is not about who deserves it. well it is but there's only so much money to go around. the pot, both meanings, is dwindling. money for art? what a concept!!!
Snoop Dogg chewing Orange Trident: hey do these ice cubes in my gin and orange juice look like bullet holes or olives?...
Trident: we're actually dental gum...
Greykid: African Greys are NOT needy birds...
African Grey: we actually TALK, you know?...
Greykid: pretty parrot.........SO beautiful...
Leslie Sbrocco: milk frothers?
Brooke Trantor: don't.
Bee Gees: envision yourself spending two hours with us, watching our documentary, going over our whole lives, sometime during the summer, one hot summer evening at midnight...
Abbot Butt at the Resolute desk smoking cigarettes: ...
Father Navin: you need a woman.
Abbot Butt: right?
Wilford Brimley: i know Bret Scher is my family doctor with his shirt off for PBS, but that man gave me diabeetus.
Ear Horn: dearie i know dragonhead and it's not the Triad's tree. i knew the Triad, they were all pussycats once you gave them a stern tongue-lashing. i kept my tongue. no, dragonhead is a sweet-tasting herb that allows the user to see the sun as it was in the '80s...
Steve Buscemi: herbaceous. it cured my street assault. i walk on clouds now, i'm a cloudwalker...
Jen R: NYC clouds are flat.
Claudia Sheinbaum and Kim Campbell: hey America, are you feeling old and behind the times?...
Hillary Clinton: right?...
me at the doctor's office.
Sigmund Freud: when you're masturbating, don't cum, that'll give you that frustrated energy you need to get through your day-long writing session. push through by not touching your penis.
me: really? how much do i owe you for this?
Freud: today's session is free, this is still an experimental therapy. stages. clinical-trials bullshit, you know how it is.
at the ESPN Studios.
Caitlin Clark: shut the fuck up, Sneaky Hembo. Sneaky Hembo is my little brother. Sneaky Hembo is a mute, he don't talk none. being in the WNBA has made me hard, all those molar-rattler takedowns of me, so many hard hugs and sexual shoves, jealousy is a breeding ground for committed relationships.
The Vision of Escaflowne opening theme-song intro: that high note like Paz Lenchantin singing "Judith" by A Perfect Circle...
Paz Lenchantin: i was disenchanted with the music scene. next up, i'm President of Mexico...
Billy Corgan: that's why i hired you, "disenchanted" is my favorite word.
Hope Sandoval: you can always join me, Paz. it seems we belong together...
Lance Armstrong: morning bike ride in the light mist, think about it...
KQED: why aren't all corporations like this?...
PG&E pulls up in their blue truck.
Jen R: man that ain't the 1-800-GOT-JUNK blue truck, get outta here with that mess!!! touch grass. man!!!
PG&E: we are, the curb. can we scratch PG&E on the tower with our fingernails?
Jen: no, man.
PG&E: can we using red spraypaint spraypaint COMCAST on the side of the tower? okay at least let us spread a banner over the tower, the word POWER OUTAGE but it's sponsored by Denny's. you get free all-day breakfast at Denny's if there's a power outage...
Jen: no, you can never make up for what you did.
Jackie Fitzgerald: cobblestone chocolate, think about it.
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