EARTHQUAKE: THE BIG ONE

 

Paul: you're gonna need a plunger to plunge away all the toilet paper in your first few flushes of your new toilet.

Djokovic: do you realize all anyone's ever gonna remember you for is your bathroom thing?

Tsitsipas: maybe i'll win Wimbledon, did you ever think of that?

Djokovic: next time you have to pee during a match, pee in a bottle.

Tsitsipas: a bottle you say?

Djokovic: .........it was YOU who threw that bottle at my head!!!

Mulder: TV is not fun, it's meant to be serious and save lives. i was searching for alien tech to save my daughter form RSV.

West Duchovny: playtime is over, let's get those new X-Files episodes written, i'm taking over Scully!!!

at the UN, Palestine walks into the Great Hall holding the Golden Spike from the Intercontinental Railroad.

Buddha stone: try this instead, Morning Manifestations.

Mardith: thanks, Bud.

Keebler Elf: forest, for rest.

Tai: that blew my mind harder than any fuck i've ever fucked.

Luke Russert: that's cold. why is all tea from a yoga yogi always cold tea?

Buddha stone: remember to read the quote on the flap of the paper box of tea sachets. it's short but resonant. sayings can still be meaningful if they're not wood.

Nigella Lawson: traybake.........not me in your flat bed.

Christopher Kimball: then maybe in your flat's bed?

Nigella: why are all the cooks on your show so sarcastic you can tell they all hate your guts?

Christopher: i don't get it, i'm hard, baby, i'm hard rock. you hear that rock 'n' roll guitar lick at the end of my show? 

Amy Seiwert: yes i am Meredith Baxter-Birney's ballerina daughter.

William Fries II: free McDonald's for everyone who works for PBS!!! nonprofits rule!!!

Yellowstone: the only reason to watch are that woman's Grand Tetons.

Paul: be prepared to throw all of your caca toilet paper in the TRASH because the toilet won't fucking flush.

toilet snake: call me Auger, i'm sophisticated, i come from high-end refined breeding. i'm not like an actual snake in your toilet. the animal.

Steejo: when we reach the X-Men '97 episode where Gambit dies, i'm gonna need the missus's shoulder to cry on.

Suzy Lu: i love this show because all the characters cry. i married Kakashi, remember?

Steejo: don't remind me, woman. i just want to go back to the '90s now. when i was a wee winny.

Mardith: i don't know if it's encouraging or discouraging that most porn directors now are women.

dad: we're on the Love Boat.

me: am i old enough to drink?

dad: not only that, you should try the cocktail aboard this vessel, this ship stern, that's named after me. it's some sort of orange gimlet to ward off next presidential demons. this is a dream.

aboard the Love Boat.

Irish Cream bottle: i was in the fridge for so long all my stickiness is gone. no more condensation when you wait as long as the Titanic.

Jacques Pepin: Irish Cream in French Roast coffee? BLASPHEMY!!! just kidding, i'm more American than you.

Claudine Pepin: yeah just listen to my accent.

Dirg: handful.

Mardith: excuse me?!!! you think i'm a handful?!!!

Dirg: no, i was dreaming of getting a handful of your breasts to touch.

Amazing Stories "Magic Saturday": a Bad News Bears side story?

Walter Matthau: i'm in the wrong movie. i'm drunk.

Tatum O'Neal: can i see what it'd be like to marry Carlos Alcaraz?

me: Saturday is our day. that is so '80s. everyone in the '80s took Saturday off to AYSO, Chuck E. Cheese, and Small Wonder.

dad: i know exactly where those dry brown hills are located in Los Angeles, i drove on them every day. Glendale i think thus believe thus live.

vacation: it's not a luxury, it's a necessity.

late model: a cooler way of saying "new".

commune: stability. unless it's a cult.

me: Dutch Bros Coffee sources beans from El Salvador, I AM DUTCH BROS.

In-N-Out Burger: we invented the carhop, right?

French martini: the French Strawberry Margarita.

Steejo: you and Kakashi are like an old married couple.

Suzy Lu: and we're both age 20.

Kakashi: i'm a little older. the mask subtracts 1000 years.

Steejo: i need someone to quell the storms of Scottish weather in me heart.

Suzy: Storm is my favorite X-Man. 

Kakashi: when a jel sandwich just won't do. Steejo is Rabbie Burns up in here!!!

me: can i have your number?

Jen P: sure. here you go. your life is saved. a lifetime of stuck trauma averted.

me: NO WAIT!!! i need your PARENTS' HOME PHONE NUMBER!!! not whatever this is!!! you know Lindy Lenz offered her phone number to me HERSELF, OF HER OWN VOLITION, i didn't need to ask her. imagine if that had happened with you.

Jen P: don't turn this around on me, bub!!! your misery is your fault.

Takahashi: try this Bubblegum Water i brought back from Japan.

Paul and Super Mario are taking the trash back to the recycling center.

Paul: is that a toilet flange?

Super Mario: no that's a steel millipede.

the genetically-enhanced gorilla from the Batman Beyond episode "Speak No Evil": yeah i squeezed the natural orange juice from that eucalyptus plant over there as a salve and it healed my wound. a wound caused, mind you, from the tech digging into my skin.

Lume Lady: for pits, privates, and packages.

Paul: my fucking back, it's been aching like a motherfucker since WWI. it's crunchy and misaligned from digging ditches all day. i can't sleep on a regular mattress.

Mordecai from Regular Show: California King mattress?

Paul: the doctors have me sleeping upside down in an attic. like Mork from Mork & Mindy.

Mork: i'm not a vampire. on Mondays i cure your brother's cancer.

Paul: okay. okay. okay. i'll see you later.

Kevin Durant: i'm not happy anywhere. no matter where i go. i'm a leader but i lead from inside the shell i withdraw into.

Anthony Bourdain: sounds like depression.

me: LINDY LENZ!!! how the heck have you been?

Lindy Lenz: how am i? i'm the present. how long was i gone? how can you get evicted for the bank's insurance fraud?  

me: i love you like i love Regular Show.

Billy Corgan: he adores you.

me: you're my siren of stability. come to my house, you can stay here forever. sleep in my bed, i'll sleep in the kitchen.

Lindy: my house, both externally and internally, is crumbling. i got Cerave skin like cards. i need to be my own hero, i held out for too long and didn't become pregnant. not all heroes wear capes, i wear a black belt.

Boc: you walk to in cold sun and fro in hot sun.

Lance Armstrong's mother: ni bicicleta ni bicicleto.

Paul: i'm looking to unload a toilet.

Epstein from Welcome Back, Kotter in Mexico: ...

Kurt Cobain: Nirvana is R.E.M. with a fuzzbox, really?

Steve Albini: sorry.

Kurt: no it's a compliment, i wanted to be Michael Stipe instead of me. i was listening to Automatic for the People at the end.

Jeannie Epper: where's my skateboard?

Tony Hawk: ...

Tony Hawk: take my Wonder Woman skateboard.

Beethoven at the beauty parlor.

Beethoven: ladies, just TRY to tame the lion's mane that is my hair, you know what i mean?

Mister Rogers getting his toes done: man, fuck you.

Beethoven: i was getting a premonition in my genius brain. it told me not to paint the doghouse with lead tonight, i often sleep in the doghouse when i ruffle the missus. my first name is Lud for lead poisoning, ironic.

Beethoven's wife: not the ruffles around my neck, that's for sex. i kick Ludwig out of bed for eating Ruffles chips. i feel a brussel sprout in butter sauce underneath my nine mattresses. 

Eye Luggage: Earthquake (1974) and go.

Charlton Heston: before we begin can i just take the time to wish my mother a Happy Mother's Day? Clint Eastwood and i share the same mother, it was ironic when i was watching him on the big screen on my big screen.

Jen R: it just isn't the same watching this without Sensurround.

me: right? imagine your theater seat shaking like a motherfucker as you watch this. 

Jen: getting blasted in the eye by a sonic wave emanating from your popcorn.

me: speaking of, the next best thing for an '80s kid like me who couldn't do Sensurround was to experience that Universal Studios dark ride Earthquake: The Big One.

Jen: i remember that one!!! preying on the fears of all Angelinos that an earthquake would come and split the state of California in two.

me: see it's all about context. when i was a kid and that tram back then has Charlton Heston popping up on the bank of 100 tiny TV screens for the pre-ride explaining how it's gonna go down but i have no idea who this man was. i hadn't seen this movie yet.

Jen: all those waterfalls of water rushing through the subway slots.

me: i remember that number 8.3. 8.3 on the Richter scale even for that simulation of an earthquake. i've been traumatized since i was 8.3 years old...

Jen: i've never seen an ensemble disaster movie like this before. Titanic didn't count, that was a romance.

Charlton Heston: yes i know the drill by now, the missus overdoses on pills, i call an ambulance, the paramedics save her. this is a foolproof plan, she'll get saved every time, right?

wife: i'm fucking Ava Gardner, man!!! i'm a bigger star than you!!! yes you bear no culpability. my father Lorne Greene is five years older than me. don't ask.

Mario Puzo: i wrote this? Godfather was supposed to end with an earthquake.

George Kennedy the cop: we should have named this Nine Toes.

Genevieve Bujold: that ghastly pink outfit i wear throughout this whole movie!!! outre ensemble, fashion disaster.

Charlton: here's an autographed football from Frank Gifford!!!

boy: i prefer his wife, his wild ginger wife, that woman is bonkers unlike mom.

Genevieve: wanna run lines with me?

Charlton: run a train with you i heard. i'm hard of hearing. i'm young but still somehow old. sorry for killing your husband, our job kinda sucks.

Genevieve: it's so hard for an actress to get good parts these days, hmmm?.........

Genevieve: i'm not a nymphomaniac. but by me saying the word nymphomaniac that word is in your head, both meanings.

Charlton: i like Lars von Trier, fuck John Ford.

cop: when did L.A. becoming The Warriors?

Jen R: right? this is not Chile, man. it's not even New York. an actual 10 earthquake is impossible, right?

Eye Luggage: there's a rape scene here that's going to be sloughed off as what happens to looters.

Richard Roundtree: at least i'm not one of the looters. or the rioters. i'm here to be a distracter.

Victoria Principal: why do i have a black fro?

Walter Matthau: i'm a drunk at a bar. where's Dana Plato?.........okay i'll settle for Tatum O'Neal.

Data from ST:TNG: Dana Plato was my daughter...

Debralee Scott: are you watching the inflight movie? you'll only see me if they show the television version. but airlines only show VHSs from Blockbuster...

David Carradine: did you see that elevator scene?!!! that was Evil Toons blood!!!

Boc: so all of this could have been avoided if the National Guard simply let gay men be themselves. 

Arnold Schwarzenegger: yeah i mean what if he's just into bodybuilding?

Charlton Heston: come to Oregon with me, their hippie vibe speaks to me. i've never grown vegetables in my life. 

Genevieve: we learn the French way in Canada at age 5 how to plant our own broccoli. Jacques Pepin was a taskmaster. can't you just use your Moses water or something?

David Lynch is on top of the Mulholland Dam doing a strange dance making the cracks worse.

Genevieve's son: thank god the Los Angeles River had no water or i'd be fried toast right now.

Genevieve: let's stay under the rubble, it's nice here in the lobby of the Sherman Oaks Galleria.

Lorne Greene: all cowboys die into the sunset. or in a parking lot.

the floodwaters are rising. real water, not ride water.

Jen R: that tram water tasted fishy.

Remy: can't you do something?!!! you're Moses for fuck sake!!! i got an abortion, you'll never be a father.

Charlton: women and children first!!!

Gloria Steinem: i mean.........it's 1974...

Charlton Heston: so because i cheated on my wife i deserve to drown and die?

Michael Moore: yes, yes you do, for all your life's shit. good night, folks.

me by the fire.

me: happy weekend, my babies. TOMORROW: DoorDash?

Jen R: not unless they serve leftover cold ham sandwiches from your refrigerator.