William Shakespeare: yeah, the DP, the donut pillow.
Shakespeare brandishes a donut pillow out of his frilly backpocket and presents it to me after bowing like Willow.
me: i don't get it, aren't donut pillows for pregnant ladies?
Jen P shoots me a glaring stare.
Shakespeare: AND for those with hemorrhoids. you have hemorrhoids.
me: what's my grade?
Shakespeare: you have to make up a LOT of time for me, eons of time. you'll be writing plays for me until you die.
me: i mean there are worse ways to go. and live. i love writing plays. ORIGINAL stories each time i'm assuming?...
Shakespeare: not cool. that was a low blow, sir.
Jen R: this donut pillow is weird, it has a giant gloved hand in the front.
Shakespeare: cuz imma SLAP yo ass every time you sit down to write.
me: thank you, i felt that.
Jen P: wait, is there something else to this deal?
Shakespeare: he has to write the plays on this stage. not at home. during the dark hours.
me: appropriate.
Shakespeare: the off-hours when there are no spotlights. right, Rod Serling? and now i'm passing the mic to a gentleman far superior than I in the inner particulates workings of playwrighting, Mr. Peter MacNicol.
Peter MacNicol: i won't do the Baby Dance. so, Sophie's Choice, by FAR the best thing i ever did.
Meryl Streep: that's for sure. mine is more complicated, i mean remember that 2007 movie Dark Matter?
Takahashi: only i do.
me: and me. it helped me get through Berkeley.........the other college life...
Meryl: it was an extremely obscure movie, not even shown in art-house theatres after Virginia Tech, and yet i was in it. i do indie films?
Takahashi: this movie bridged the U.S./China gap. we're all humans who are unfairly intellectually shafted...
Peter MacNicol: so you have to reframe Sophie's Choice and look at it as if the film was about MY choice.
Mardith: after all the progress Ms. Streep and others have made for the Cause?
Peter: but it's done subtly, secretly, invisibly, the events in the movie are because i decided thinking to myself that i wanted Meryl happy so i'd let go of my pursuit with the other dude, i forgot who he was, with the Errol Flynn mustache, handsomer than me, i look like a baby ogre, so she would be HAPPY. if she's happy, i am happy. she likes debonair over druggie? because i could never please her sexually, despite what she said.
Meryl: i was just being nice. i'm a good actress.
Peter: in that vein, YOU must choose: Jen P or Jen R?
Jen P: bad choice of words, now i see a penis vein...
me: this is tough, i mean if i had been with Jen P FROM THE START i wouldn't have to make the choice now...
Jen R: that's cold.
me: i'm glad i wasn't, meeting Jen R was the greatest moment of my life.
Jen P: that's cold. what am i, gas-station chopped liver?
Talia the cat: i know why you love black cats, i am a black-and-white cat, you never thought about that, huh?...
Trinity the cat: we know you're alive when you fart in the morning.
me: thanks, me too.
dad in a dream, we're at the Sherman Oaks Galleria mall food court.
dad: Mr. Agassi, can we get your autograph? my son's a huge fan. he never wore hairspray in his life till now.
me: dad, that isn't Andre Agassi, that's Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell PLAYING Andre Agassi.
dad: that's disappointing, i wanted it to be Hugh Jackman. or at least Jimmy Fallon. i'd even take Andy Roddick playing Andre Agassi...
Andre Agassi: i come from Degrassi...
in that same dream i hydroplane right though a GIANT puddle right at the Spanish-style doors entrance to the La Fiesta Mexican cantina/restaurant on the top floor. the patrons swigging Patron inside do not need to utter a word, their disappointed faces tell the tale in that dark room. with my tale between my legs i hangdog sulk out of the restaurante without stepping foot in it and look for a Foot Locker to dab-dry my wet toes...
Abby Magers: don't take teachers for granted. we're an endangered species nowadays. who's gonna teach your kid the stuff that matters?!!! who's gonna teach your kid Romeo and Juliet?!!!
Shakespeare: please join my teaching troupe at Berkeley, no invitation required, you would quickly rise up the ranks and ascend to take my job. like a tornado. i wrote Romeo and Juliet on the back of an In-N-Out Burger napkin...
Mitt Romney wearing a hockey mask: SURPRISE!!! i'm the good guy. biscuit in the basket...
Seinfeld: no hugging, no learning.
Jen R: this upsets me.
me: Jen R, i'm gonna hug you and never let you go.
seagull: i'm making a nest out of McDonald's french fries...
Parker Lewis from Parker Lewis Can't Lose: i'm Corin Nemec. i'm a real person, not a meme. i play a mean Andre Agassi. is this the line for the audition on the campus of the University of California at Berkeley? i don't want to go to actual SCHOOL here...
Tony Hawk: you ordered DoorDash.........FROM YOUR CHROMEBOOK!!! you have achieved sandwich and skateboarding nirvana.
Jen R: $700?!!! for a race?!!! do you get your money back if you don't die?
me: instead of walking the Big Sur Marathon, let's buy a car.
Jen: not for the marathon, for us.
me: strangely there is NO TRASH here the next day...
Jen: but there ARE 3000 outhouses encircling your neighborhood block...
Gordon Ramsay: bibs are only good for Red Lobster...
Mordecai from Regular Show: transform your life. at the mall. life-skills workshops, food, prizes, no naked birds in booths.
Rigby: karate is a life skill...
me: do you know what Berkeley tastes like?
Shakespeare: no, teach me, smelly squire. i'm a fucking sponge.
me: Berkeley tastes like a Burger King Whopper...
Big Sur Marathon: to stage this event takes Lorne Michaels money.
Lorne Michaels: and one '80s Joe Jackson synthesizer keyboard in the middle of the road.
Jennifer Hudson: i wonder what my cat is doing.
Talia: Macavity? i drove him to the dentist...
Lake Bell at Berkeley Beach: is that a lake ball or marimo?
lake ball: we're not The World's Largest Rubber-Band Ball.
Henry David Thoreau: hey, mariner mama, stop rummaging through my Walden attic upstairs!!!
marimo: not Martian, Japanese...
Super Mario: that marimo is straight out of a video game's underwater level...
Dr. Gregory House, adjunct professor at Berkeley: do i LOOK like a golfer?!!! how many total Vicodin pills did i pop in my mouth throughout the entire run of the show?
Cuddy: you never took the Vicodin with water, it was weird. if you'd drunk 8 glasses of water a day you'd be a mellow yogette like me now.
House: patients who drink water are pansies. my body craves sugar, not sugar pills. why didn't i die from Vicodin overdose before the show started? Vanquish would have been safer, i'll take a good leg with a gimp stomach. they lie, they use Advil for the placebo...
Danielle Collins: shot tolerance is not cum to my face, it's a tennis term. SO MUCH DISRESPECT, am i right, Stephen A. Smith?
Stephen A. Smith: yep.
Danielle Collins: you'll miss me when i'm gone, i was the only one who could have PROVEN that college is worth it...
Susan Dean: is Danielle Collins famous enough that they'll fund me playing her in a Tubi Original Movie or something?...
Hurricane Point: the finish line is the starting line this year...
Billy Corgan: ...
Hurricane Point: because of the slipout. don't want a slipped disc from running in a way no human was EVER supposed to run?
Cupid: the marathon was meant to a joke...
Hurricane Point: get those slip-in Skechers shoes, no laces to trip you up...
Catherine Mary Stewart eating an apple: see? whether it's the arcade game of The Last Starfighter or Night of the Comet, the arcade was a community building that has vanished now like churches...
Pac-Man: without community-building buildings, there is no society...
Ear Horn: dearie it's one thing to produce spells, it's another to be spellbinding...
Wayseer: the new goth in town. but i wanted to be a surfer, a waverunner...
the day after the Big Sur Marathon.
Boc walking alone on a long and winding path: yesterday there were a billion people trodding this path.........and a billion barking dogs...
Sasha Grey sleeping in one of the leaf beds of The Treehouse: you use rags for the flooding toilet water. you wash those dirty rags in the clothes washer which starts flooding...
Confucius: ...
PX Base Exchange: how badly do you want to be in the military? is it worth it to get Jordache jeans, churros, and other mall goods first before the general public? do you have a kid who REALLY wants to see Challengers?...
Hurricane Point: where all the hurricanes in California pass through...
Leslie Sbrocco: i'm not threatened by a Monterey Mama who calls herself hot. i just can't pull off that sexy Cruella de Vil half-black half-white hair...
Jerry Seinfeld eating a cookie: ...
Monterey Mama: you have to be either age 30 or age 60 to pull off Cruella hair.
Cruella de Vil: it's not the same as salt-and-pepper hair...
Boc: the Big Sur Marathon was a nightmare, SO MUCH NOISE POLLUTION brought to Carmel.
Mickey Mouse: there was a race this morning? a rat race? i didn't hear a peep.
Minnie Mouse: because you never bring me to orgasm. you're not a dirty rat.
Mickey Mouse: i live in the Carmel SUBURBS.
Minnie: yeah the only place that sucks in Carmel is when you live right next to the highway...
Peyton Bilo: it's Poli Sci, but all the cool drummers spell it Poly Sci...
Wellow, Somerset: where all the Storybook International episodes were filmed...
the Storybook International luter: strangely i'm also the village luthier, i make violins but only play the lute. my name is John? it should be Labeau. clogs? the toilet? what's a toilet? no, those are wood Skechers i'm wearing on my feet...
Jen P looking perturbed for two and a half months: SO WHO THE FUCK DID YOU CHOOSE?!!!
me dipping my saltines in French onion soup: oh. well i guess it's gotta be Jen R, right?
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