David Foster Wallace: big day today.
Ms. Sun: it's my prom today...
Ms. Moon: might i suggest ME as your prom dress?...
David Foster Wallace: no, it's the world premiere of my story Infinite Jest done in play form at a theatre-in-the-round at Berkeley City Theater. since nobody understands these characters but me, they're too complicated for the general public, i will be playing all the parts on stage. i never thought of myself as Shakespeare but here we are.
Ms. Moon: as a prom prank i even poured Pepto Bismol into Niagara Falls...
me: hey let's pop in here and watch this David Foster Wallace play. he's a down-to-earth salt-of-the-down-earth genius. a writer who's very relatable. to both sexes.
Jen R: not up-from-earth at all, he's very much alive. after watching this play it will take me 10 years to digest it. like pizza. speaking of, let's get special food for the Total Solar Eclipse. Round Table Excalibur pizza with the banana peppers that look like an eclipse.
me: remind me, i still haven't seen Excalibur, right?
Jen: nor Dune for that matter. wouldn't being an eclipse chaser be the most romantic job? penumbra enthusiasts.
me: as long as we can take our bed. for me to sleep in. i hope one day we can get married by the light of an eclipse.
Jen: next one's in 800 years. diamond ring, BOTH meanings. only if you can rope us a hot-air balloon from Arkansas.
me: i hope that the world will see better days than the ghastliness of now. that when the next eclipse rolls around, Earth will be in a better place.
Jen: the two of us can MAKE this world better, in our own little world.
Tai: during an Eclipse your energy DRAINS.
me: i got no more energy to drain!!!
Jen P: how do you think I feel? the plunging into darkness is good for my complexion, a harried single mother's face.
Luke Russert: i had to hitchhike here like it was the '70s.
David Foster Wallace: and in this scene we're at the Dallas Zoo where the animals are going crazy from the eclipse.
Greykid: nah, not really. i did a few zoomies around the pond but that was just cuz it was PT day. what do they feed cats in zoos, anyway? carrots?
Babar: i didn't die, i turned into a glow-in-the-dark elephant!!!
Poe crow: i remained calm as goths do. i cutely went back to my nest cuz i thought it was time for a goodnight bedtime story.
graffiti giraffe: i laid an ostrich egg, that's what was blocking me, writer's block, i went back to making toys...
In-N-Out Burger: we use ostrich eggs in our secret breakfast burgers.
Tarzan: the Eclipse made me Tantric. it made me even more feral in bed. i'm nothing without my animalness. put some of that celestiality in my currants, you know what i'm saying?
David: okay ladies and gentlemen, this is the first of 59 breaks. a break in the action, play action, theatre is sport with class. so stretch your legs, we can't really go on under this darkness, the spotlight doesn't shine through, because the Eclipse is a bigger spotlight. so we'll just wait for the Eclipse to pass. get some schnacky schnacks.
Jen R: hey you know what the tea is in Chinese restaurants? it's JASMINE TEA.
me: that FLAVOR, that taste, takes me back to when i went to every single Chinese restaurant in Berkeley because i was lonely.
Jen: ready to trip again?
and POOF the two of us are on top of the Great Wall of China!!!
me: damn, girl, i thought you were gonna take me to Mr. Chou's, my favorite Berkeley Chinese cafe. how'd you do that?
Jen: i'm your magical girl, right? drink the tea HERE.
me: wow what a view.
Jen: yeah, the sunsets just hit different here.
me: let's get married on top of this wall.
Jen: it's illegal so we'd become Woody Harrelson and Juliette Lewis. ugly American tourists.
me: did you experience the Eclipse?
Jen: i saw all those moon pies in the branches of the tree-shade, that's enough, right?
Jim Cantore holding a wet mic in his drooling mouth: i'm gonna ask you a bunch of personal questions. you WILL answer them because i look like a bald bulldog.
Will Power: my wife almost died, man. this isn't a wifey thing, this isn't a cool laid-back Australian thing. sextortion is not a David Foster Wallace novella. now if you'll excuse me, i gotta get to a Long John Silver's drive-thru before the Eclipse enters my racesuit.
Jen Carfagno: severe clear, fatherfuckers.
The Zits from Degrassi: can WE be the Eclipse Band?
Jen: i pussied that cloud cover OUTTA HERE!!! get in line behind Bonnie Tyler, Soundgarden, Kubrick, and The Beatles.
Air Supply: our Eclipse Song is remarkably similar to "Total Eclipse of the Heart..."
Samuel L. Jackson to Jen Carfagno: Totality tourism, do you speak it, motherfucker?!!!
Stephanie Abrams chugging 3 egg creams: i hope every human on this godforsaken planet finds something that gives them the same spiritual exhilaration as a solar eclipse, whatever it is---tennis, painting, being nice to others...
David Foster Wallace: i won't hate, the Eclipse made even ME spiritual. tennis?
Stephanie Abrams: like you're playing tennis and you suddenly FUCKING SEE THE PLANET VENUS!!!
Venus Williams: ...
Stephanie: you look out over the net at the horizon of the endless universe and it scares the shit out of you.
Nadal: i don't have that feeling of tennis anymore.
me: why couldn't i have met Stephanie Abrams as my eclipse energy? no not for the tits, she would have been the most empathetic friend to me and my many problems.
Ms. Moon chugging 1 egg cream: i feel so Retrograde-y, you know? i'm all dizzy and shit after what i did. and i'm bloated.
titanium: i mean what if Earth didn't contain ANY of these metals and alloys? you wouldn't be able to fly!!! you wouldn't be able to have a mobile phone.
Steve Jobs: my mind was precious metal.
Woz: and MY mind was precious alloy...
Link from Zelda: a Zelda soccer tournament, who's in?...
Mark and his mom Debbie on top of their roof in Invincible: we saw the Total Solar Eclipse first...
Suzy Lu and Kakashi are on board the Hogwarts Train at Berkeley Station.
J.K. Rowling: hello, stranger.
Suzy Lu: oh shite, and i thought trains were supposed to be romantic. who are you?
J.K: who am I?!!! seriously? i'm your ex. we broke up but a year ago. not that i'm here for YOU. i'm here for my fellow author Wallace Whatshisname Wordsworth. remember when you dumped me at that ogre swamp after one last Butterbeer?
Kakashi: have you ever escaped from a dragon's lair like me?
Suzy: sorry, babes, but you went crazy.
J.K.: i was just standing up for my beliefs and morals.
Suzy: what are beliefs based on? you are the very definition of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.
J.K.: i still write. just letting you know.
Kakashi: i'm the only person who still reads your books. but i'll read ANY book regardless of bad content...
Jen R: every time you eat a chocolate donut, think of me.
me: every chocolate donut has yellow-cake filling.
Doryce: is the Eclipse my doing or yours, dear?
Gladyce: let's just say yours, dear, i never want to enter into an argument with you. we can never remember. i don't want to argue, i want to hug.
Jackson Pollock: the Eclipse sky looks like one of my paintings...
Eye Luggage: we got married under an eclipse, remember Laer?
Laertus: you nabbed me under a nimbus.
Dirg: you two eloped?
Ear Horn: i was the officiant...
Boc: fuck my life, i HAD to walk under a ladder!!! it was the only way to get home!!!
Bustamante: if you suck tits during an eclipse...
Julie Patzwald: THAT's the goth initiation?!!! those ARE two heavenly bodies...
sitcoms: the ultimate stabilizing force.
Matthew Perry: the comfort of the com, Chandler comedy...
Phoebe Buffay from Friends: you know that feeling of ECSTATIC EXUBERANCE when you meet a new guy on a random hospital visit who's sweet, college-smart, attractive, is a widower, and has a broken leg and surprisingly meaty forearms?
me: I DO!!! i really do, i get that excitement, that exhilaration.
Boc: i reached for my Oral-B toothbrush this morning. it said REACH, i thought it said Reacher...
McDonald's: you get me for the fries, the burger is an afterthought.
David Foster Wallace in-the-round: why didn't we START with solar in the first place? and never used gas at all? i'm not up here on this stage to PREACH, people!!! i'm up here to make you FUCKING THINK.
in-the-round heckler: isn't that your Saab Sonett parked in the middle of the stage?
David: who's the heckler?!!! who are you, bub?
Spalding Gray: it's me, you damn Neanderthal.
Link: TikTok is gone but there's still TOTK, Tears of the Kingdom...
Pooph: maybe DON'T spray it directly into your mouth, we're not totally sure on that...
Soren Kierkegaard: anxiety is the dizziness of freedom. this anxiety can't be cured with pills...
Jesus: altar call, not for Christian introverts...
Polegreen Church: the Church of TRON...
Mardith: and strippers from TRON.
least weasel: i ALMOST became the Nintendo mascot...
Statue of Liberty: that was my lightning vibrator...
The Pope: i always liked that statue...
David Foster Wallace: no wonder i never got into any New York Book Circles.
Viking Cruises: No Gambling Kids Allowed
on the Masked Singer sidestage.
Optimus Prime and Bumblebee: you remember the songs from that '80s Transformers movie, right?...
The Outer Limits "To Tell the Truth": an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation inside the Hanging Hydroponic Gardens of Babylon...
Allegra: we're appealing to the cat-ears-headphones anime crowd, you know, the ones who liked the Fooly Cooly sequels and prequels...
Jen R: Mazatlan has the best meatballs...
me: made the Aztec way.
Pati Jinich: no, the meatballs aren't tiny heads thrown into a volcano during an eclipse.
Mike Massimino: Bill Nye dropped me off at Oceanside, New York and never picked me up. look, i never wanted to move the Dodgers out of Brooklyn. Valenzuela. Hershiser, Gibson, Scioscia, these men saved my ass in '88.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: i don't care about this eclipse stuff, just tell me how to get back to Mars.
Mike Massimino: i thought space flight was Star Trek. i thought space flight was Falkor.
Superman: Falkor taught me how to fly...
David Foster Wallace: when Linda Ham and i were going through our divorce, Linda snarkily replied to me on one of my divorce notes to "lock my doors." that put me off space travel for good. space is still cool tho, especially on Eclipse Day. so only Scene 9114757 of 9114760 will be wheelchair-accessible, okay? if you don't hear from me for a while, don't worry, I am not dead, my phone is.
Megarlic: i tried DMing you but your phone was on ALL CAPS. your Irish goodbyes last 5 years!!! where do you go at night? the airport? nobody has any idea where you are. your mom has no idea where you are.
David Foster Wallace: you daft Irish lass. it takes me 15 years to write a new book in the snow. g'night for four minutes, folks.
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