TLAYUDAS

we're at the Destinos ranch.

Jen R: i'm here for the ranch eggs. 

Liliana Abud: why don't you try the tlayudas?

me: what are those?

Liliana Abud: see? you don't know because you never made it that far in the Destinos telecourse!!! you stopped watching at Episode 10, Episode 11 was the Oaxaca Episode!!!

me: i wanted to, believe me i wanted to watch more TV, it's not my fault, we didn't have a substitute teacher that day.

Pati Jinich bows down to Liliana Abud on a red muleta.

Pati Jinich: i'm doing that thing everyone did to Gloria Swanson on the theater balcony after the premiere of Sunset Boulevard. you are my hero, Lil!!! you were the first one to make it big in the States from Mexico.

Liliana: then why don't you wear any of my business suits, chica?!!! you can't wear cowgirl jeans forever!!!

Jen: Pepcid AC, AC stands for After Lunch in Latin? great, NOW you tell me. 

Pepsi, Where's My Jet?: ...

Jen: no salad for me thanks, my budgie Bogey is sick, raw apples you see. no milk. unless it's chocolate milk. chickpeas in soup, that's GENIUS!!! you're combining soup with salad!!! gargantuan garbanzos, por favor!!! let me check my watch, yep it's sundown and Passover and i'm your Seder seductress!!! i'm making you chraime.

me: chrome is what i need my pan in.

Jen: McDonald's Filet-o-Fish in an Italian red sauce. my tlayudas of course have to have the bitter herbs so i'm adding banana peppers. 

Rod Serling: and a dash of goldenrod from me, the Rod Man.

Larry David: i'm just here waiting to be cast in the next Woody Allen movie...

Jenny Baranick: what is non-stick? what does that actually mean? because all of my pots and pans have been non-stick and scraped to death. just make cookware out of oil.

Mel Kiper: so i'll have a special order. take the crust off breakfast pumpkin pie and put it on a pizza with NO CHEESE.

Lindy Lenz: Mel and i are getting a quickie divorce...

Carmen Dongo: don't. just don't. don't go after the name. i have a very healthy emotional spectrum, when i'm at America's Test Kitchen Christopher Kimball sees to that. i do NOT call him Chris. i'm a professional, not a professional cryer. onions don't make me cry, my mama does. my mama sold spice on the street. fuck Modelo, okay? fuck Modelo.

Jen: no more potatoes from Idaho. i'm switching to cilantro lime rice. i'll get my potatoes from Bakersfield, California, a Bakersfield baked potato that i won't be able to eat because i'll be wearing a gas mask.

me: so that's why i couldn't smell baked potatoes my whole life.

Takahashi: do NOT enter Alien Fresh Bakery from the front...

E.T.: they sell E.T. Fresh Jerky, it tastes like what happens when you don't catch your ship...

Mulder: tastes like E.T.

Scully: imagine the two of us at Starfleet...

John Candy: HAPKA!!! how are we fine folks this afternoon?

Jen: look at my sleeves.

John Candy: why do you have holes in the shape of diamonds cut into your sleeves?

Jen: to make them breathable. i'm the Queen of Diamonds, i liked Alice.

John Candy: so YOU i'm here to help?

me: please don't point at me, i'll be honest, unlike the rest of Canada i'm terrified of you. you make me scared.

John Candy: aw don't worry about it, it's just a little tlayuda, you know?

John  gets out his GIANT SHOVEL and forms a GIANT TORTILLA from a tiny ball of maize caged in his fingers. 

me: see?    

John: did you know the flour tortilla was invented in Bakersfield, California?

John is about to FLIP his monster tortilla over as he regales us with a showbiz tale.

John Candy: yeah Eddie Murphy was the biggest star in the world at that time, i did NOT appreciate him egging me on under his breath, calling me fat, the fat jokes got old fast, you know? and that was the ONLY time i EVER did SNL, too, it should have been a fete, a celebration of Canada comedy coming together with New York comedy...

Melissa Maker: matzah, maize, momentous memories. 

Trinity: that cat birthday cake was a giant ball of yarn, everyone missed that... 

*plop*

John Candy: THERE, now THAT is a tlayuda taco!!! oh and i built you a combination Taco Bell/KFC in your backyard in keeping with the tlayuda theme...

at the Berkeley encampments on the lawn.

Jen R: i came here driving a burning car. i mean protesting nowadays is a full-contact sport. why is Robocop scanning my forehead to check my ID, of COURSE i'm not a student here!!! do you see the smile on my face? i'm having FUN at school!!! because it's not art school!!!

coffee: why do you like me so much? i'm bitter...

Dutch oven: my red color.........POPS.

Shakespeare: i stopped writing. i gave myself a life vacation...

Uncle Sigh: sorry but i gotta get outta London NOW. i can't bear the Meghan Markle treatment anymore.

Queen Elizabeth: i never liked honey...

Spain: be gone, Begona!!! but leave your begonias, they were planted in Martha Stewart dirt...

by the bigscreen.

Laertus: did you see that Jamal Murray buzzer-beater?!!!

Anthony Davis: yeah, now i know what it's like to be at a Phish concert...

Takahashi: that shot swung the series!!!

The Pope: can you get that show Swing on non-pay cable?...

Swing: yes that dude's a hippie douche, but you WISH you were him...

LeBron James: Antman? what are we doing, man? what are we doing at the replay center? he should be named after a Seattle doctor...

Jane Goodall: that really was a successful Earth Day, thank you to everybody.........for doing all those things...

Stephanie Abrams: you're welcome...

Stephen A. Smith by the darts.

Stephen A. Smith: would i give up sex if it meant a Knicks championship? a Knicks ring? a Knicks CHIP?!!!.........but i already DO!!!

Molly Qerim: why are you looking at me?...

Spike Lee: *stroking chin* Stephen A. Smith in the Capital One Final Four commercials, interesting.........i guess we kick Charles Barkley out of our group...

Elon Musk: the Tesla Taxi, so you won't blame me anymore, you'll blame your driver as usual...

at Check Please: Bay Area Salinas/Seaside Edition.

Leslie Sbrocco: my tits are so close to you now...

foodie #3: i don't have a car. too expensive. but i splurge on unnecessarily expensive lunches for some reason...

at mall karate.

Takahashi: the Mitsubishi Starion, the only staring contest you'll ever win...

George Costanza with brick wallet: ...

Zack Morris: better than a brick phone in your backpocket...

Christian University of Michigan: ...

Danny Cevallos playing bar games: you take one took at me and you question your sexuality...

Hope Harrington at the Bump Trial: Janis Joplin LIVES!!!

Janis Joplin: Texas to Bakersfield, California...

Julie Patzwald: my spirit animal is a calendar wolf...

New Coke: we tried to bury the competition of Pepsi by TASTING like Pepsi. 

Pepsi, Where's My Jet?: ...

Pepsi: you can't get rid of us, we're like skin tags.

lawn sweeper outside: leaf blower.........without the noise pollution...

Beck: i'm listening.........i can hear again...

Boc: a walker in the middle of the road suddenly JAUNTS and becomes a jogger pretending he's a bike...

Safeway parking lot: meant to drive in, not to WALK in...

Eylea.

Cat Stevens: i am NOT Salman Rushdie, it would be BEYOND CRUEL to have him do this commercial...

Tony Hale: why watch your tiny TV screen while onboard a fucking Greyhound bus?!!! live in the present moment of BEING ON A GREYHOUND BUS!!!...

Progressive staircase.

boy in tux: um, is my prom date coming down these?

girl's dad: she ditched you, son.

boy in tux: it's just as well, this house gives me the creeps, it's the same house Tom Cruise was in in Risky Business...

Draymond Green: the NBA is about honor and integrity, following the rules to a man. there is no Playoff Mode of which you speak, we players play hard EACH AND EVERY NIGHT for our fans and for our families in the regular season. we can rest when we do the Olympics.

Bank of America dude: so my dog got a diploma but i still don't have one from Berkeley. not sayin just sayin. there are no student loans after puppy school, it's a quick and tight six-week program, it's like night college...

Crunch bar.

Pepsi: yeah we had to buy this airport to pay that kid with a jet...

TSAer with wand: Crunch bar? they were HUGE at Halloween in the '80s, they've completely disappeared now...

me: i'm starting to lose my nostalgia tingles again.

Jen R: fear not, old sailor, i gots the medicine. i know how much you yearn for that feeling of '80s UCLA Nok Hockey.

me: so much so i BOUGHT a Nok Hockey table for my very own use in my bedroom!!!

Jen: sure but have you done THIS?!!! WHEEL IN THE AIR HOCKEY!!!

me: OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!

Jen: your very own personal air-hockey table. 

me: let's wheel this to my garage or something, i don't think the cantina locals are digging it.

Jen: at least without cerveza. 

me: can i kiss you on the lips? at last? it would be pure ecstasy for me, you know.

Jen: instead of all that lovey-mushy stuff, how bout you beat me in air hockey and then we'll talk...