Jen R: pitted olives can mean olives WITH pits and WITHOUT pits.........think about it...
me: you're the most important thing ever to happen to me.
Jen: heavy. wow.
me: i hope you always remember that.
Jen: heavy stuff. that's more like mother/son stuff, you know?...
Jen: what's the rush?
me: our quinoa date. i'm racing over to your yellow atelier. on foot. this corner?
Jen: that's tea-stained atelier. burned at the edges and corners to give it that old-timey paper look.
devil comet: worry not, my religious brethren, it's all science and ordinary.
Codrus: that's what we WANT you to think.
Carl Sagan: the weird thing is i look like a Catholic priest...
Greykid: i'm getting a face tattoo to make myself look like a Birman.
Mike Tyson: ...
Greykid: i'm gonna go through the cat door in the front door to Karl Lagerfeld's mansion to swing by and cheer up old Karl after his beloved Choupette died.
Mike Tyson: i'm done with boxing. next up: temple priest...
at Wild Fish restaurant in Pacific Grove.
Madame Pons: so the Love Canal Disaster was something about not getting an orgasm.
Takahashi: using chemicals on Earth the wrong way.
Jen: New York, amirite?
Doryce: superannuations are gilfs.
Bustamante: my Paiute people will rise again!!!
El Hormiguero: the Spanish Bill Nye, the host was on SNL in Mexico...
Shoreditch office: where the REAL The Office UK papers company is...
Talia the cat: i like Funyuns.
tea tree oil: it needs to be on the thumb.........the back of the thumb, not the fore of the thumb...
going cold turkey on soda: drink cold water, not sugar water...
Whole Hog Cafe: no way on EARTH is this The Good Earth restaurant from the '80s!!!
Elizabeth Taylor: imagine BEING FORCED TO WATCH Raintree County...
Michael Jackson: hey all the pot shops and cannabis counters in Seaside are closed...
Bob Hearts Abishola: great show, IMPOSSIBLE to type online...
Seton Hall: yeah Anderson Cooper played for our Wiffleball team in the '90s...
Chris D: Chris Di.
Princess Diana: ...
Chris Diamantopoulos: learn it, love it, put it in a gyro.
Michael Weiss: i won't be your clown show anymore!!! stop gawking at me!!! thus i have quietly stopped posting on Instagram...
Jacques Pepin: you thought only YOU knew the word bedraggled. but i know the word bedraggled...
Claudine Pepin: oh yeah, the arugula at Berkeley...
Carl Sagan: i miss red marker circles all over my blueprints...
John Michael Talbot: when you're a country-rock guitar god like me, you get to have a wife while being a monk. monk wife. i am beard goals. my name sounds like tabernacle Eucharist and table wine, that's a good lunch. for the record, Codrus is an asshole, Cotard's nice, and Minster's funny as fuck.
motherhouse: where Fuerza and The Pope live and fuck.
Galan: i'm a witch from El Salvador. no worries.
bum in the middle of the freeway intersection: another day, another dollar...
Mardith: how does one find their spirit animal?
Tai: a LOT of Morning Meditations. but watch out for that trickster fox spirit...
Julie Patzwald: my spirit animal is the fox who got his after that whale ate Donkey Pinocchio.
at the mall.
Eye Luggage: what are you seeing?
Julie Patzwald: the eternal Bored vs. Busy seesaw pendulum. at See's Candies. and Grape Scope mouthwash.
Bustamante: i've been shoveled at Shakey's.
Julie Patzwald: pizza kilns emit harmonic rings of fire.
Trinity, Talia, and Snowball: we're gonna combine our cat magicks and SAVE MALLEE MAKER!!!
Mallee Maker: thanks, my cat dinner guests, i felt those heal vibes on my Birman face. i'm named after a famous French new-wave lawn-croquet documentary director...
gorgeous char: when you fry eggs in a Dutch oven...
Morgan Bolling: i'm a gorgeous character, a gorgeous real-life anime character, look at my Alita eyes!!!...
Nashville, Tennessee: our smudge ain't that churchless Wiccan smudge, our smudge is smudge from handling a newspaper about gas and oil...
propane: ask Hank Hill, he's the King of this country, somehow propane is better than electric...
Sophie Scholl: i fought for Anne Frank.
Anne Frank: sometimes life is the only school you get.
Olympics: OOOH, we thought we were making SALAD kits...
lost episode of Family Ties.
Mallory: i'm not your daughter. and i'm not being a moody teenager.
Meredith Baxter-Birney: then who is?
Mallory in cowboy boots: Boots Mallory.
Meredith Baxter-Birney: this is so Lifetime Movie.
Snake from Degrassi: skin tags, they're like popping zits, it can get messy...
Mardith: MR
Madame Pons: Mr. Right?
Mardith: Mercury Retrograde.
Madame Pons: isn't it time at your age to settle down with Mr. Right, spirit daughter? look at me, look at my face, it's too late for me...
Gatorade Fit: everybody, move your feet and feel united, oh oh oh, Vince Lombardi, move your feet and feel united, oh oh oh...
sillage: woke and desirable.
Eye Luggage: Dune and go.
David Lynch: i'll keep quiet.
Alejandro Jodorowsky: people forget i didn't actually FINISH MY Dune.
David Lynch: yeah. i went over to Blockbuster with my Blockbuster Card to get your Dune VHS tape cassette but the nice pimpled boy in the front said they didn't have it. at this time. they didn't carry it. because it never existed.
Alejandro Jodorowsky: if it wasn't for my Dune, there would be no Alien franchise...
David Lynch: first order of business, throw away ALL the Zardoz props...
Andre Gregory and Wallace Shawn: do we dine at this dune?...
David Lynch: i got sand in my pants. sand in my shorts...
E.Z. Taylor: can you surf Spice?
David Lynch: so this is Star Wars for adults. but shouldn't space opera have more sex? more graphic sex?
Harrison Ford: imagine if Star Wars was Rated R...
Carrie Fisher: i don't WANNA imagine that!!!
Toto: Toto and Sting, a match made in space heaven, it's like Bowie and Eno...
space: if it's space, it's synth...
Kyle MacLachlan: i'm new to the film business.
David Lynch: stick with me, kid...
Kyle MacLachlan: this is why i was so EAGER AND EBULLIENT as Paul Atreides at the start of this film, i'm ready to get this acting thing started!!!
David Lynch: and friendly. i'm not used to friendly.
David Lynch: so the Spice stuff is cocaine. obviously. this is the '80s.
Frank Herbert: psilocybin, i was shrooming it up a storm with Alan Watts in his mushroom pod house.
melange: a mix. with Sunny D or something.
prescience: foreknowledge, insight, the science before science.........magic...
Virginia Madsen: i'm the head at the beginning of this film. hey Channing Tatum, when are you going to also adapt The Head on MTV into a feature film?
the year 10,191: just to make sure...
Patrick Stewart: it's weird having Picard be an underling. snorting Spice is a way better way to interstellar travel than the transporter aboard a starship, one hit and you've traveled light years!!! these aren't lightsabers, these knives will inflict a Tron cube on your opponent...
Codrus: the Bene Gesserit, now THOSE are hot nuns!!!
Francesca Annis drinking orange juice: you see, this is the crux of life, which is hard, when you get older it's almost impossible to find a life partner again. if i find one, it's for the BETTER to share your life with someone.
me: THANK YOU!!! FINALLY someone speaks the truth!!! you can't live this life alone!!! the whole You Are Enough thing is bollocks!!!
Mandisa: i speak truth about life the way Anthony Bourdain did. Christianity is not a strong enough shield. it's not easy to go back once God has betrayed you. you are so scared that it's all just nothing, terrified of that thought, that nihilistic notion, you don't want to go there. but in the back of your mind.........this is real talk, people. real life, folks.
Reverend Mother: why'd you bear a son instead of a daughter?
Francesca: the sex with his father was EXTRA kinky, i couldn't help it. we used '70s beads in space. don't worry, he'll star in The Bear and be loved by the next generation of daughters.
Reverend Mother: ready for the test?
Paul Atreides: yes.
Reverend Mother: stick your hand in my box.
Lorne Michaels: it's not the SNL box with the dick.
Paul: is this the lion coin thing? are you old Audrey Hepburn?
Audrey Hepburn: i never got old...
Reverend Mother: your hand is being melted off by nuclear waste. your hand is being cut off by Jackie Chan.
Paul: nah, Jackie Chan is too nice for that.
Reverend Mother: where is your hand now?
Paul: it's with the cut ear David Lynch has in his trailer.
Reverend Mother: it's all in your head.
Paul: that makes sense, Kwisatz Haderach can't be a real thing.
giant sandworms: where's Michael Gross? we're obviously metaphors for wanting a big penis but not having a big penis. are we one with the Spice? we ARE the Spice!!! we're Spice Worms. not to be confused with the Spice Girls...
King Kong: did i kill you worms, too?...
Paul: yeah so the stillsuit here, you can survive in the desert for 200 years if you drink your own pee through this tube.
Fremen leader: THIS PROVES HE'S OUR MESSIAH!!!
Paul: you're cute. i've seen you in my dream.
Sean Young: nice line, you got game. i bet you say that to all the girls. i'm Chani the chola and i'm into Fremen firemen.
Paul: why are your eyes blue?
Sean Young: i drank a lot of Windex as a kid. Puck was my younger brother. i was in EVERY risky sci-fi venture of the early '80s...
Duncan Idaho: are you filming this on a potato? expensive cheap-looking space sets. i need the Toto beard to cover up my John Davidson face...
Boc: what a disgusting display having the symbol of gayness and AIDS in the '80s be this repulsive villain with pustules all over his face. the nonchalant sexual assault on screen is shocking.
Baron Harkonnen: can anybody here recommend a good acne cream?
Snake from Degrassi: ...
Baron Harkonnen: why am i the only person in this universe who can float?...
Baron Harkonnen: these aren't harsh conditions, i was on the Rhoda set...
Brad Dourif: i have triangle hair, i look like a Rocky Horror reject...
Brad Dourif: Piter De Vries, my son was on Star Trek: The Next Generation...
Mentat: like gum.
Roger Eno: i'm a monk now...
Sting: like my codpiece? you thought i'd be wearing this same codpiece during my climactic battle with Paul at the end, huh? everyone was disappointed about that...
Linda Hunt: yeah these spies are the same Star Wars flying balls, not the Spaceballs balls.
Paul: you have a creepy crone look. like you're the matriarch of a bunch of dwarfs.
Linda: that's what all nuns are, double agents. we hunt space magicks.
Doryce: Paul you are the young man of my dreams but you are unattainable...
Woody Allen: weirding module, so it's a sex machine, a sex booth...
Jared Leto: has anyone seen Leto? wait i'm in the wrong movie...
Sean Young: i know, this is confusing, right?...
Paul's dad: come closer, Baron, i want to kiss your angelic lips with my German mouth.
Baron Harkonnen: your breath stinks. and you want to be a dentist? pipe dream, tell your folks. i feel PINK and stink, alive at five, like a TMNT villain. clever, putting a bomb in a tooth...
Paul and Francesca spelunking down the endless caves...
Francesca: this is getting Oedipal...
Paul: do you find me attractive, mom?
Francesca: maybe when you looked like Cillian Murphy...
sietch: a community stitched together by ideas, not color.
Paul: i am Muad'Dib for i enjoy doing Mad Libs with my pencil. i get first dibs at Bea Arthur.
Bea Arthur: maybe when you looked like Frank Sinatra. or Pee-wee Herman.
Trent Reznor: ...
Trent Reznor: i liked Dorothy's ex-husband Stanley.
Francesca: so you're saying if i drink this Fiji Water childbirth will be a breeze from now on and i'll get Terrence Malick for a husband, a husband who will BE THERE for me!!! and the kids.
Alia: my cat is Talia...
pug: so my name is Daryl. i'm meant to show the Atreides family as Renaissance rulers from space. Space Europe. they traded space kingdoms for a pack of Garbage Pail Kids cards. can a dog get some Fiji Water?...
sandworms: Spice is our poo.
Paul: in keeping with the stillsuits...
Chani: how did you come to our desert planet?
Paul: i slept with Roy Orbison's "In Dreams" playing in my mind...
Chani: is there any way off this desert planet? i'm not wearing the Leia chains...
Paul: trip on shrooms whilst eating Golden Grahams cereal. i started mind-traveling after eating pickles and before i knew it one of the Dune characters was a giant pickle in a jar...
dad: this Dune 1984 film takes me back to reading sci-fi paperbacks in my den in the '80s eating nothing but Thrifty square ice cream on a card table...
the Beast: having my cut head there in the middle of the shot on screen is just silly, i love this film.
Alicia Witt: for a little kid like me to have to say the word Kwisatz Haderach, that deserved hazard pay.
David Lynch: and here come the MEMES!!!...
David Lynch: Kwisatz Haderach, give a dog a bone, this old man is going home...
Laertus: oh the end credits tho, they're the most beautiful end credits in film history. the actors gently breathing looking at you with plaintive eyes.
Eye Luggage: i know, right? they're so ethereal, so dreamy, so watery, in a lucid dream by the sea, Vangelis music nipping at your earlobes...
David Lynch: doing the whole internal-monologue thing saved a FUCKLOAD on money. g'night folks.
me by the fire. a fire in a fireplace inside one of those Dune interstellar spaceship things. with gold Spice wisps coming off the flames.
Jen R: Burger King?
me: Burger King. happy weekend.
Jen: Burger King had the Dune 1984 toys!!!
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