SLEEP TOURISM

 

Jen R: sleep tourism. it's the thing now.

me: that sounds DIVINE, imagine travelling by train all through Europe laying down on all the waterbeds naturally watered by a mountain spring in inns hidden in green leaves.

Jen: we've become so harried as a human species we have to actually now SEEK OUT places to rest. 

me: the bed matters, if you have a bad bed you have a bad back.

Jen: when i'm working on the computer, you have to make sure you JUMP into a GIANT beanbag chair like you're back in kindergarten but you're in the workforce. the beanbag must swallow you like a Japanese Titan for maximum comfort.

me: hey what happens when you sleep on a bed at a mattress store?

Jen: i've done this. make sure you sleep 12 hours so you don't get locked in there at night. 

Philip Seymour Hoffman: i'll field that one. if you promise not to have sex on this mattress, i'll give it to you guys you nice couple for free. mattresses are for sleep tourism only. i'm not harried running this La-Z-Boy in Downtown Los Angeles in the '80s on Wilshire. look, guys, i made Adam Sandler look GOOD, think about that. if i hadn't died in a ghastly way my son would've never hooked up with a musician.

we're at The Masters.

Jen: i'm hungry. STARVING. i only talk about food. i'm constantly hungry, that's all i am.

me: there are some interesting eats BY the pimento cheese.

Lunchables: we'll toss a Snickers bar in there next time!!! okay?!!!

GasBuddy: we're a chili dog company.

Jen: is the pimento cheese frozen or fresh? i'll eat anything once. you look quite dapper in your tailcoat.

me: the only way to play golf. keeping my pants baggy and my hat newspapery. 

Jen: is that a shooting stick i see by your horse-pants next to your saber?

me: you have me all wrong, i despise weapons of any kind. i do it all for the American Gladiator. my only lance is my golf club.

Jen: let me get that 34DD wood.

me as bagman: you see how my golf club folds out into a chair to sit on the Augusta azaleas? 

Jen: looking at the wall of words you send me every day, those wall-of-text DMs, it's like friend homework for me to do each day. i'm back to school!!! back at school.

me: no please, anything but that.

Jen: no home fries with the homies? fries with friends? friendwork? a homework party?

me: at least the party aspect of homework intimates intimacy.

Jen: this Par 3 Course is so CUTE!!!

me: look DEEP at the green. INTO the green, till your eyes become green, till we have a 3-person family of our own, the little 1-year-old rugrat tyke running around the fairway in a white suit carrying your Fisher-Price plastic golf clubs.

Caroline Wozniacki at the South African pub making the ahegao face: Rory, babes, are you FINALLY gonna win The Masters THIS TIME?!!!

Rory McIlroy: i haven't won anything of significance for DECADES!!!

Caroline: anything of note, noted, like my wedding notes when you were drafting our invitations. if you win the Masters you get me back.

Rory: if i don't win The Masters 2024 THIS YEAR, i'm in trouble...

Larry David: now that i'm retired, and i have the long shaggy hair of my idol Woody Allen, i can go golf forever. i'm a turf pro you know. 

Groundskeeper Willie: feed your lawn. feed it.

Larry David: aiming sticks, GCQuad, schwirl. schwirl my dickhole with the tiny little golf ball, Susie Essman lady!!! hey Susie, lay down on my chocolate abs.

Susie Essman: you are a.........horrid ogre.

Tom Cruise with a golf simulator: ...

Larry David: no more episodes, no more writing, i just want to relax at Action Park in New Jersey. IT CLOSED?!!! I WAITED TOO LONG!!! I WORKED TOO LONG!!!

Akshay Bhatia: why does a skinny Indian nerd like me have his tongue out? because i met my model girlfriend by sliding into her DMs. no really, that actually WORKED!!! also i do have an Elvis fetish...

Presleigh Schultz: i mean check out Akshay's chocolate abs!!!

Michael Weiss: the DM thing never worked with Julia Ioffe, hers were always closed...

David Foster Wallace hanging out in the caddyshack: i don't write books for blowjobs. i write books for pallets of Mucinex pellets.

Tai in the meditation tent, no medicine just spirit: that was NOT the way Taiwan wanted to have their own Leaning Tower of Pisa.

spirit tent: this is like a 7-Eleven. 

Rosemary Gladstar in the flowerbed: i am somehow Gregor Mendel's daughter...

Ear Horn: i use your herbs all the time, dearie. to make my non-religious mystic mists.

Rosemary Gladstar: my name sounds like a bad '80s cartoon about Norse pirates in outer space.

Ear Horn: to cure a cough.........DON'T USE HOT SAUCE!!! those little plastic circular containers are a BITCH to clean up!!!

Dr. Vacc: right? do you throw them in the trash full or empty them out in the garbage disposal or trash as you clean them or not with water? my favorite is the orange sauce because the orange pepper could be hot OR not.

Ear: they called me Mild Melinda in college.

King Kong: go only with the banana peppers. ONLY watch the 1933 film...

Forbes Riley: Barbara Rush? i was voted Miss Gilf for the past 20 years!!! in Florida. all the middle counties. pageant winners get butter candy. soft for dentures.

the Dulcolax gilf: you can tell i'm from Maine...

Dulcolax gilf: what's that smell? your forearms stink to high heaven!!!

Forbes Riley: Blue-Emu. i'm Lisa Rinna's mother, not sister.

Greykid on top of the Historic El Rey Theatre totem-pole Sign: the Salinas one, not the Los Angeles one. if you don't leave the house with your clothes covered in cat hair, you don't love your cat.

Humphrey Bogart: i never kept a hair-roller in my back pocket. i kept my derby hat in my back pocket.

Pati Jinich: how did my three boys grow up tall, light, soccer-strong, and handsome like Cary Grant speaking English with NO ACCENT? i drew them Tijuana bibles when they were teenagers instead of premarital sex. 

King Kong: banana peppers. banana peppers do something to me. they change me. i become a better man.

Mardith: you suddenly changed your Instagram profile to clairvoyant psychic this week?!!!...

Michael Weiss: took a speed-course at Princeton.

spider in the mailbox: i play dead to fool my predators. like sticky stamps. i come back alive when Spring hits. the Resurrection, right? i am a Spring spider. i spring back to life...

Roger Federer walking in front of Tiger Woods:  if Switzerland had protected my rights, my climate-change rights, i wouldn't have had to play Nadal on those HOT-AS-FUCK clay courts at Roland Garros. i would've BEATEN Rafa at the French Open at least once!!! 

Novak Djokovic: whaddya want?!!! a Nadal Medal?!!!

Rafael Nadal: i no longer feel my tennis...

Nasi Novare Coram: Latin for neti pot.

Novak Djokovic: ...

Pinocchio: fuck Barbie. i'm not sexist, but i did all that doll-comes-to-life stuff first...

Abbot Butt: being a Medieval abbot was a cushy job but you did have to do business with the occasional asshole emperor.

peaches on your pizza?: take a bromide.

Cory Booker: want Obama for 8 more years? elect me. elect ME President. soon. before it's too late...

Pati Jinich: i ain't NOBODY'S birria bitch!!! no, senor!!! that goes for YOU, Harbaugh Dad!!! i'm not Mexican, i'm Maxican. si she can. Mexican cuisine is more than peanut-butter mole. think of the avocado stone as a BIG-ASS olive pit...

Virgin Mary: don't worry if you have to throw away an envelope with my face looking at you, my ancient eye burning a hole in your soul, you put it in the recycling bin, i see you...

Jesus: mama's got fire eyes...

Fuerza: but my eyes burrow...

Kelly Corrigan: wellness. how do you find it, how do you keep it.

David Foster Wallace: you know, i'm finding this daft Irish lass Kelly Corrigan is becoming MY wellness.

Mount Etna blowing smoke rings: where's my cigarette? so much anxiety in the world and my therapist Dr. Robbins said i can't blow my top anymore like a volcano, i have to be a "mature lady" when it comes to stress management.

Ms. Sun: i'm looking hot this morning. feeling hot. sizzling Egg McMuffin weather. whistling weather.

Judge Harold T. Stone eating pimento cheese using his gavel as the spoon: my ruling is to be weird. always. be as weird as you possibly can be. the magic is in disappearing when you're here...

Chaque Tripper: i've made us some Cuban sandwiches with Cuban cigars. and some San Diegan home fries. 

McDonald's: it's not really fries, it's more like potatoes O'Brien.

Diego Rivera: no wonder i got so fat.

Frida Kahlo: i got so far...

scutoid: when a rhombus and a parallelogram have a joint rectum and scrotum.

Stanley Kubrick: i first discovered the scutoid shape when i was a baby...

 

Progressive.

Jamie: sticking it to the boss. i'm the boss of this group because i'm the funny one.

Mara: no i'm the boss cuz i'm the cynical one.

black guy: i'm not gonna say black one.

Flo: hierarchy is such an '80s concept, man. we're all friends here. i just happen to be here the longest, i was the first character Walt Disney drew.

Ziploc: keeping your marijuana fresh since 1801.

Olive Garden: that wasn't a succulent meatball, that was a meatball-shaped bubble popping in the Dutch oven...

GEICO Caveman: if we had had astrology, we cavemen would have invented fire sooner. alchemy is what made a Medieval Times in San Diego.

Coach K: Bracketology is offered as a class at Duke? THAT's my legacy?

Jon Hamm: advertising will get you laid by big ginger tits. and make you friends with Zach Galifianakis.

Mardith: Reiki's real, kay?

Tai: aromatherapy's my livelihood.

Madame Pons: ANYTHING can be carved into a soap.

Anderson Cooper: i was on that March Madness team that made it to the Final Four that year. George Mason, remember?

Kyle Mooney: are you jealous that my wife's hotter than your wife?

Beck Bennett: no you see i haven't returned your calls cuz i grew wings.

Kyle: i'm happy your Hollywood career is ascending. looking up...

Beck: a witch spell turned me into a buffalo...

Ear Horn: that voice in that robust buffalo body is SO handsome.

Starbucks.

countergirl: Celery Schwirl? i wonder what Brent Popolizio is doing now...

man: Celery Swirl?

man gets bumped by Rameses.

Rameses: now THAT's a schwirl. imagine attending North Carolina University in 1933...

Jenna Haze: you don't know me like that.

at the Magic Mart.

Charles Barkley: Fragrant Fowl, Ball Hog, Food Court, all three clever. 

Magic Johnson: this is EXACTLY what my movie theaters are.

Jackie Chiles: in the '90s, it was Seinfeld and the O.J. Trial...

Jen: i am SPENT. the Eclipse really DRAINED me.

me: what happened with your father? did he finally confess in an Open Confession out there on that open eclipse field in Baltimore explaining why he'd been so shabby towards you since you've been alive? you don't deserve that. you don't deserve ANY of that.

Jen: he told me where i came from. and i finally understood him, he explained sex in terms of the sun and the moon during an eclipse. he's the sun and mom was the moon, it makes sense now, life is pretty rare.

Jen: this is nice, right? waterbed. the two of us floating lazily in the water through a fjord. this is sleep tourism, we can't afford a cruise.

me: this Queen-size mattress of ours is like that Heathcliff mattress boat...

Jen: at least i didn't get it in Twin...

Baloo: i get sleep apnea when i pilot.

Kate Winslet: more than enough room for me, Jack, and a bowl of painted fruit.

me: it just reminds me each day that life is a miracle. when i wake up in the morning and i have a PURPOSE, an actual REASON to get out of bed!!! you, Jen, you. otherwise what am i doing each day? eating breakfast?