Jen R and i are at the DMV.
Jen R: this is where you get a medical marijuana card, right? where you get it laminated.
me: MM, not Morning Meditations, Medical Marijuana.
Jen: why does everyone here look like Crocodile Dundee?
Jen splays a WIDE mattress in the center of the dirty DMV open opal floor.
Jen: hit me with your best shot, fire away.
me: is that an invitation or a warlock spellcasting summons?
we cuddle on the center of the mattress and people-watch all the DMV disgruntled harried line-takers going around in circles. around the mattress.
Jen: i feel all spacey here. have you checked out the DMV coffee room?
me: it's all about efficiency at the DMV.
Jen: INGENIOUS!!! instead of three chilled expensive bottles of iced coffee on the flimsy side-table, they bought ONE milk carton of lukewarm iced coffee.
me: the DMV is about speed.
Jen: i wish it were about speedballs.
me: check out all the tiny wooden spoons here.
Jen: the Irish Cream isn't white, it's grey. all water in coffee mugs is grey. the girl taking your picture for the cannabis card has a humidifier in her cubicle, that's odd.
Greykid: why do humans change their humidifiers DAILY?
Jen: because.........no idea.
Greykid: no i'm trying to teach you something, you have to think about it in terms of a cat's water dish, you change that out with fresh water every day so why shouldn't humans have fresh water every day?
Jen: it's called Global Warming.
Leslie Sbrocco: Cheddar Bay Biscuits from Red Lobster? puh-lease, San Francisco Bay Biscuits were baking in crockpots to the side of lobster nets in this city 200 years prior!!!
Richard Pryor: i was the ONLY ONE who truly loved the man Robin Williams.
Saturn return: finally the whole Age 27 thing is explained.
Kurt Cobain: i was studying the wrong planet. i was studying Uranus.
Mardith: it's almost time for my Great Age 27 Tumult.
Madame Pons: you'll be fine, dear. just batten down the hatches and take your decks of tarot cards with you to the basement...
Reacher: i'm Reacher, not Tracker, Tracker is the other guy, get it right, i'm on your side.........politically...
Nahuel Guzman: the greatest magic trick i ever performed was not keeping the futbol out of the soccer net, it was restoring my wife Celine Dion's voice again...
the devil: the greatest trick i ever pulled off was finding out i could bend.........i could be lenient and not just for Ingmar Bergman.........i could do a pull-up.
Toby: Cinnabon Pull-Aparts?
Kathryn: there are Cinnabon crumbs in your bed.........from me...
Toby: i'm kicking you out of my bed, Kathryn.
Celine Dion: i sing "Old MacDonald Had a Farm" on my comeback album, i'm going country like Beyonce.
Hamburglar: there were no burgers on your farm!!!
David Cameron: Israel will counterstrike against Iran...
Woody Allen: Lord Cameron? that's just weird to say...
in their bedchamber in an English castle.
Gwen Stefani: because of you i named the next No Doubt album Return of Saturn.
Gavin Rossdale: you're still in that silly band? yeah Saturn return, the planet Saturn returns from orbit for the first time since your birth, it's a time of great tumult, uncertainty, depression, and general questioning of everything you were ever taught.
Gwen: this explains why i started reading Sylvia Plath when it was 27 instead of in college...
Gavin: great, i was the author of my own demise. because of this wisdom i imparted to you you're going to go out and start doing crazy unexplainable baffling things like leave me for Blake Shelton.
Gwen: it's your fault, both meanings. that sounds like a good idea for a song.
Gavin: it's a good germ. but what kind of song? grand grunge or silly ska?...
Sylvia Plath: i started reading Sylvia Plath after i died. for context.
me: Jen, my love is real. my love for you is real, this is serious, this isn't a joke. i gotta talk to you. my home life is a disaster, it's disastrous. it's not safe for me to be there anymore. do you ever wake up in the morning and realize you're trapped? that you're living on a sinking ship.
Jen: the people on the Titanic never woke up...
me: why does Baltimore have to have dead phones and friends' art galleries?
Jen: Rose, with Leo DiCaprio's money, went on to do double-door installations in Carmel...
Omaha Steaks: Steak Like You Meat It
DoorDash: fuck Walmart, right? why wait for tea tree oil and cotton swabs a week when you can have them delivered to your stoop TODAY!!! lifesaving medicine IMMEDIATELY.
Doryce: i love sucking cotton balls, tea tree teabag.
Ear Horn: tea tree oil can only be properly conjured in a witch kettle at the back of Pic-N-Save, mix well with a sap spoon.
Morgan Bolling: is that like a witch Dutch oven?
Storybook International wood spoon: always have many spoons in the stone soup, always be watching 5 minutes of 5 TV shows at the same time...
Minster: are you watching that Catholic priest on Instagram with Larry David comedy chops?
Larry David: Larry-Day Saints?
Minster: see? you CAN be a priest and a comedian who uses blue and dark humor.
Catholic priest: you get in an accident and your stereo's still on. playing Britney Spears. embarrassing. presets, am i right?
Minster: a goth priest. Father Ted taught us well.
Sean Connery: i mean of COURSE monks can joke, that's about as funny as ME!!!, SEAN CONNERY!!!, playing a goddamn monk!!!
chicken pot pie: the official cinereous meal of Storybook International...
Jen: you know why you love Storybook International so much? they are all stories with an old mother wondering how her good-natured well-meaning but clumsy son will fare in the world when she's gone.
me: i'd be a dreamer too if i lived in Medieval times...
Jen: all the women in these '80s Medieval tales have that British-pornstar look...
dark rye bread: actually tastes better UNTOASTED than toasted...
Caroline Wozniacki: the Dragon's-Tail Spire is no more. but you can't eat money. especially coins. be calm cool and collected, the Danish way. collect no bills and watch The Flight of Dragons with your kids...
Jean-Luc Picard: sure, splash some Earl Grey oil on your skin tags.
Jen: that's the good burning.
Jean-Luc Picard: if you have a skin tag in your eye you're shit out of luck, you don't want that stuff burning your eyehole. in my case i just became a Borg and got that Borg Eye...
Ear Horn: you're so cute, baldy, wanna dance? wanna go on The Golden Bachelor?...
Eden Rainbow-Cooper: i followed my rainbow, did you follow yours? no i'm not a voice on the Garbage Pail Kids cartoon...
Oscar Pistorius: so i can't even get a Reese's Medal?...
Smiling Friends boss: i look like Ross Perot, who won the '96 Election in a landslide upset...
Pati Jinich: i'm a Mexican kawaii anime magical princess.
Mila the dog: and i'm a Japanese polar cat...
Adrian Bliss: i'm the ULTIMATE EXAMPLE of someone who wanted to do sketches on YouTube but had NO CAST, NO ONE WAS INTERESTED in acting with me...
Nike Olympics: we see you...
cicadas: prepare to watch A LOT of anime...
Kathryn from Wendy's: FINALLY here is me in all my glory, my PHAT butt in jeans and...
Toby: small tits.
Kathryn: Toby, you will never pull apart my CLOTHES, you realize this, right?
Toby: but Cinnabon's not big anymore...
Safelite.
Kendrick: it's me, Takahashi!!!
the UPS Store: shred here.
E.Z. Taylor from Three's a Crowd on a surfboard: thanks. notice how SERIOUS i am on Jake and the Fatman?...
Kayak scarecrow.
lady: i'm gonna stuff my bra.........with this hay here and become Batman's #1 nemesis Scarecrow.........oh fuck this, it'll never be the same, Kevin Conroy is dead. Scarecrow, put me under one of your Genjutsus...
Johnsonville: let's see each other again. no more manufactured outrage, only brats cooked on the grill LENGTHWISE.
Panera: we invented bacon...
Chris D at the DMV: boring is brilliant. okay having this commercial come on during a break from the Space Shuttle Columbia Disaster documentary on CNN was in poor taste...
Tony Hawk: the key to my success? gas-station sushi. no really, that's the skateboarder ethos, we just don't care...
Chris D: you can type more words than BOOBIES on your Casio calculator from the '80s.
Flipper: Flipper as a horror movie, Flipper as a shark.........think about it...
Frankie Corzo: let's rappel down this wall. natural wall. you think climbing the rope in gym class was hard?
husband: it chafed my inner thighs.
Frankie Corzo: think about climbing the rope in gym class knowing you knocked up your girlfriend.
husband: you mean we're having a baby?!!!
Frankie Corzo: Nintendo makes it official, with their Nintendo Official Seal.
husband: but Animal Crossing's not big anymore...
Sabrina Curzi: i'm her niece...
BEHR paint. BEHRthoven.
Ludvig Aberg: Amadeus?...
at the DMV Bobby Shmurda is holding a concert. Shmurda breaks out his Shmurda Dance on stage inside the DMV to Filter's "Take a Picture"...
Jen plants a WET-ASS kiss on my lips.
Jen: i can't think of a better moment to big-kiss you, rap and the DMV go way back. before Grandmaster Flash. let me help you with your problems.
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