Jen R: they shrunk the King Size Twizzlers, i swear.
William Shakespeare: okay this is it. penultimately.
me: why does so much of my life depend on this ONE decision?
Shakespeare: methinks thou doth protest just the right amount. tis life, kiddo.
me: i was so depressed this morning i didn't even laugh at Waldorf and Statler up there in the Lincoln balcony seats, i always get a chuckle out of those two.
Tim Burton in the booth: that's cold.
Chuck E. Cheese: rat's all, folks!!!
Shakespeare: tell you what, let me walk on it.
Boc: a brilliant idea!!! just don't walk ALL OVER the decision.
Shakespeare: i'm feeling rather peckish at the moment, famished even, last week got me all foody. you seem to know your way around this magical place, show me all the sights and sounds and smells of Downtown Berkeley, all the choice spots to eat, drink, laugh, cry, and mess with the cops. feed me down, influencer.
me: i'm not an influencer, i'm just a guy with a blog for boredom.
Boc in Zegama Nikes: trash walk, it's not what you think...
Super Mario: when i go to a pub to take a bath, i'm not expecting to take my wrench in with me. why does the pub bathtub always clog IN APRIL?
Melbourne: see that Corvette Ion Spider in the driveway? of the motel. that one is my new baby. Intratravel license plates, i can go from 0 to Canada in 60 seconds...
Boc: it wasn't a trail of trash at first...
me: so this corner used to be a Burger King, now it's a Red Lobster. as you can imagine, the rent went up. we constructed a whole new Red Lobster just for you, sensei.
Shakespeare: much obliged.
me: just don't bulldoze the Mr. Chan's next door!!!
Bell + Howell Bionic Spotlight: the entire basis for our company is that humans should NEVER come together and be as one...
Boc: you lock the door, you take your first JAUNT, you're on the cusp of beginning your walk.........and there's a small swath of cardboard in your lawn...
Michael Weiss: it's this weird thing on Instagram where you're obsessed with a girl for two days but on the third day you need to take a break, no more pictures of her.
Julia Ioffe: let's try this on Wednesday...
at that Berkeley cafe i used to take Jen P to.
Jen P: that's cold. you don't even remember the cafe's name?
me: it was so long ago.
Jen P: that's cold.
me: you know this no-soda all-water diet i'm on? i know i'm gonna be healthier, but i FEEL plain. i feel PLAIN INSIDE.
Jen R: how high with ice cubes does this cafe's icemaker need to rise before water doth flow?
Ice Cube: wanna get high?...
Berkeley bums: now the Supreme Court is invading the freedom of our sidewalk brothers up in Oregon. that's true freedom, that's what freedom really is. is no space sacred? where are the wildlands now? the wild lands untouched by a man's mind.
Chris McCandless: right? i just got back, i took the LONG way round. i wanted to get the back of my hand stamped with a rave stamp that said Alexander Supertramp but they ran out. luckily there's a Supertramp concert coming up on the first in the forest, hoping to get my wrist pierced there...
Jen R: what are you in the mood for, Chris?
Shakespeare: the nom's Bill.
Jen R: food mood.
Shakespeare: what are those fluttering white tents? they scare me.
Jen P: organic honey made out of Allen Ginsberg's home.
Allen Ginsberg: i had the first solar panel in the world. and my bees are FIERCE flyers.
me: and that mall over there houses Saturday-morning karate taught by zebras.
Shakespeare: zebras as animals?
Jen R: no, like Regular Show zebra people who talk. and kick and punch and meditate.
Jen P: ready for the natural steam baths atop our only mountain above Strawberry Creek?
Shakespeare: i knew the Japanese aesthetic would eventually land here so we could all cum underwater in hot bubbles. Sakespeare. but why do they call this spot The Steam Rooms?
Jen R: i can't hate this time, you have me beat here, you will ALWAYS look better in a bikini than i ever will.
Jen P: thanks, babe. for the next man i guess.
Jen R: try a woman.
Jen P: the Steams are getting a facelift?
Jen R: the rooms are so the steam will give everyone a facelift. on their face.
Salman Rushdie: was Allen Ginsberg my long-lost brother?...
me: what's your favorite thing about Taco Bell?
Jen P: when the melted cheese sticks to your taco wrapper preventing you from lifting the taco from the wrapper so you can eat said taco.
Jen R: you can park your bike INSIDE...
at the cafe.
waiter: delighted to make your acquaintance!!!
Jen R: isn't that a coffee creamer? yeah i like Deee-Lite, too.
Lady Miss Kier: ...
Jen R: what happened to boas, ya feel me, girl? i dance like you in the shower pretending i'm a stripper.
Lady Miss Kier: our biggest gig ever was the Carmen Sandiego game show on PBS...
Madame Pons in the wind.
Madame Pons: soda substitute? try kombucha served at LUSH even though we are not a cafe...
Kirsten Dunst on the Berkeley stage eating a plum tart: i'm one of the grandest actresses there is. and yet if i could put one TV show on an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind loop, it would be The Bachelor...
Bill Withers underground in a dingy downstairs punk club: ain't no sunshine when she's gone. i didn't see sunshine for nine months building toilets for the 747 in Washington, D.C. here's a bright idea: stillsuits aboard electric planes...
apple-cider vinegar: it itches. it's kosher. it won't get rid of skin tags. good for Halloween salads...
Boc: THIS is what i like, the weather is such that i have to TAKE OFF my sweatshirt...
hardboiled egg: so hard, so tasteless, not spongy or light or airy at all.
Doryce: like me, i'm not fluffy.
April: springy only in Spring...
Doryce: and in my bed in December.
Gladyce: i'm airy.........in the good way...
Julia Ioffe: it's just Instagram, it doesn't mean anything.
Michael Weiss: i'm finding that out the hard way...
Ninja Kamui: that climbing-up-stairs kick is so cool.
Bruce Lee: i invented that kick 100 years ago...
Muscle Man from Regular Show: MY MOM beat you once at karate, sir.
Bruce Lee: i remember you two at the mall, your harried mom kept continually berating you in public, calling you a bitch, calling you Mitch the Bitch, you were acting up like a kid on Ritalin but still.
Muscle Man, crying: my mom has problems.
Bruce Lee: want me to move in with you guys?
me: soda substitute?
Jen P: LITERALLY drink the Kool-Aid...
Donna Evans from Storybook International on a forest stage in the woods: i'm one of the most beautiful women who ever lived.
Elizabeth Taylor in the eaves covered in eggshells: but i had a better booking agent than you, toots...
Ear Horn looks at Elizabeth Taylor.
Elizabeth Taylor: i mean dearie...
Strawberry Shortcake: if you put the frozen strawberries in the refrigerator, they turn into a red glacier...
Titanic: ...
Jim Belushi leaning against college lockers: i had the greatest life plan ever: carry on in Hollywood, my career was in memory of my brother John. whenever someone saw me on TV, they'd think of John Belushi.
John Belushi: life mission. look at my face, am i getting zits again?...
Boc: my walking is LIGHT exercise, like John Candy...
foamy firefighter: we need better solutions, both meanings...
RFK Jr. giving a lecture on campus: i will NEVER be as cool as Ross Perot...
Boc: The Barnyard has become my personal park.
seagulls: we're squawking like banshees, we're scared of the cicadas. the impending cicadas.
turtle: that isn't a poo, it's my cousin. he looks like a poo-shaped leaf...
Martin Scorsese singing: he ain't heavy, he's my brother.........who's heavy poo like Marvel.
Marvel: and you're light poo. we're brothers-in-arms no matter what but you're a small man...
Ana de Armas: i mean if Marvel calls...
on a stage decked out and blocked to be a courtroom.
Sam Waterston: do you like my understated acting on Law & Order? because TV-lawyer histrionics would never go on in a real Manhattan courtroom while the witness was speaking...
witness: *wink wink*
Red Panda at the Warriors game: when i twirl these bowls on top of my head in a pile, i wear the pants in my family. by not wearing pants. by wearing a sequined skirt and heels. imagine an acrobat's sex life...
Red Panda's husband White Panda: if this is Rong i don't wanna be right...
basement bar at a frat: see? some basements CAN be cool...
we're all at the Red Lobster.
Jen R: spill it, teach.
Jen P: you mean muse
Shakespeare: alright alright alright. my belly is full and sated though i didn't consume actual food, i et but 10 Twizzlers and a half-drunk can of beer from a drunk on the dirty sidewalk. that's gotta be illegal. the streets here make me cry.
i start to shimmy and shake and sweat.
Shakespeare: your letter grade is.........P.
Jen P: ...
me: so the whole time it was Pass/Fail?!!!
Shakespeare: no, P is the letter grade on an A-F scale. that makes me laugh.
me: what does it stand for? what does it signify? how should i be feeling at this gone moment?
Shakespeare: and i'm giving you a D.
me: DP? i don't like where this is going...
Jen R: this is turning into OLD-FASHIONED SCHOOL if you know what i mean...
Jen P: yep. it's only four years of sexual humiliation and then you're free to be a lifelong career woman...
Shakespeare: wait which woman did you choose?!!!
i quickly dip my Cheddar Bay biscuits into a Chinese teacup full of gochujang sauce i ferried over from Mr. Chan's next door.
Shakespeare: OH COME ON!!!
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