Monday, April 15, 2024



William Shakespeare takes ahold of his Berkeley City College class on playwriting once again.
class: yes Bill!!!
William Shakespeare: okay that's a modicum of respect, i'll take it, i had none when i was alive. it's okay to be second-rate, people still think i didn't write my plays. but i have a special message for YOU.
me: uh oh.
Shakespeare: you need to be thinking of your thesis, you know? if you don't hand in your original play you wrote by the end of the semester, i hold the remainder of your college career in my gloved hand.
me: not again!!! first it was the endless nameless administrators, now you. i'd rather have you hold me tho, hug me, Willy.
Shakespeare: we don't do no dirty fucking in Berkeley, feel me? letter grade written by me with my quill pen.
me: when's the end of the semester?
Shakespeare: three more weeks.

me: what am i going to do?
Jen P: you're sweating. that should be me. thanks for joining me at this adventure-hike rappelling wall. i need to blow off some steam. caused by you.
Jen R: you're trying out for American Gladiators?
Berkeley: our parks are GOLDEN during Fall!!! all the women have big tits and they're putting something in their mouth as if through a straw, no it's not a penis, it's most assuredly a vagina. or, you know, it's probably a pot cig.
Madame Pons: i did a lot of herb classes at Berkeley. how to plant herbs, forestry. not for the kitchen. i don't remember dorm life, the only thing i recall is i had a water bottle i carried with me in my backpocket at all times full off Tinkerbell pixie dust.

Berkeley Buccaneers: we don't really PLAY baseball, we just kinda INVENTED the sport and let the Chinese perfect it. it's IRONIC that we're named after colonialist raiders, that's why we went with the name, for the academic exercise.
Luigi the baseball coach and psychiatrist: dripping with thick irony like your soaked stirrups.
Tom Brady: why didn't i go to Berkeley? seems the most logical step...

Mr. Holland: what you got in your tuba bag, kid? that thing is HUGE!!!
student: in my tuba sack? nothing. okay it's a priceless Van Gogh painting, one of a kind, i stole it from the Louvre.
Mr. Holland: at least you didn't lob paint at it. i hold your future in my hand, kid, and this hand has touched boob. this is Berkeley High, the high school that's the direct PORTAL to Berkeley City College!!!
goth student Julie Patzwald: i know. but i figured why not cheat? everyone else goes for the shortcut. i mean think about it, i was so smart i figured out an escape route out of the freaking Louvre!!!
Mr. Holland: would it help if i got Banksy to come in to lecture you wayward high schoolers with a talk on life?...

Golden Gate Bridge: CEASEFIRE NOW!!! end the Rafah campaign, resettle Gaza and the rest of the Palestinian State!!!
Rafa Nadal: i'm protesting with you guys.
Golden Gate Bridge: it's Golden Gate Bridge, not Godless Gate Bridge...
Ernest Hemingway wearing an Ebenezer Scrooge nightcap: me, too, i am with you Gate crashers all the fucking way!!!
Berkeley Gate: yeah yeah!!! you do that, too!!! forget school, forget college, go up there and protest at that OTHER gate up north. just a hop skip and a BART away.

Trinity the cat: Xfinity for Trinity? nah. oh wait, streaming sucks...

me: it hurts me physically when i'm away from you. my body aches all over.
Jen R: take a Doan's. Doan's is a pill, right?

Harlan Ellison: i can't write anymore, i gotta rest my butt.........god damn why is my typewriter chair the same material as the fucking Sword in the Stone Excalibur stone!!!

me: i've memorized every curve of your body.
Jen R: is that useful information? did you use a compass? remember compasses from '80s math class at St. Cyril's?
me: they freaked me out.
Jen R: i loved them, that was my first drug needle, that compass needle.
me: scarily too sharp for me, i wouldn't touch it for fear of getting pricked and cooties.
Jen P: but you're already a prick!!!
Jen R: that whole sharp compass thing must have been traumatic for you.
me: don't SAY that it was traumatic, now it'll be a traumatic flashback for me the rest of my life!!!
Rambo: at least for years to come.
Jen P: yeah this is good, good stuff, good stuff for the play.

Ludvig Aberg: i'm Federer when he beat Sampras at Wimbledon, look out for me in the future...
Ingmar Bergman: Aberg's my new muse named Dark Horse...

Bryson DeChambeau: i'm no longer Conan the Barbarian. but i still rise to carry the plucked Masters signpost to help people find their way.
me: that signpost was SCARY with the arrows, sharp needles going in every direction!!!
Ludvig Aberg: i'm the Beethoven of Backspin.
Bryson: oh yeah? well i'm the Bjork of golf, i'm the last innovator. ALL clubs should CURVE like the wet dream of a Medieval blacksmith from Storybook International. i wore a Doc Oc suit on the greens, the PGA says it's technically legal.

Aberg: Amadeus?
Shaggy in the Berkeley dorms with his plump soon-to-be wife: yeah man, the film to bag a wife. 
Shaggy's wife: shhh, don't tell Velma that you prefer me to her. i don't wear glasses...
Shaggy: i prefer reefer to the both of you and Aberg...
Lanudo: grifa.

Johnson Wagner: i'm Jack Tripper if he had escaped fighting in the Navy by golfing, not chefing. it's not the gay-pornstar mustache, it's the UNIVERSAL mustache. i wanted to honor Robert Wagner with this stache of mine SO BAD, i grew it because i REALLY miss the '80s...

Neal Shipley: i'm Jack Tripper when he was a fat teenager who grows his hair out long to have ONE THING that's cool about him. i WISH i coulda been an '80s soap star...

Jen R: Maywood, California just seems like a cool place to live, you know?...

Pati Jinich: McDonald's is just more satisfying than Taco Bell for some reason...
Jimmy Chamberlin: why didn't I sing on "Farewell and Goodnight"? i have a good singing voice...

Nick Faldo: i'm Roger Federer as a middle-aged dad...

lad living: watching Premier League soccer Saturday morning with diet Earl Grey tea and a large McDonald's fries but it's not in the red fry case, it's in that white fry sleeve that says LARGE but it's really a small.
Wayne Rooney: i go to would never find David Beckham at a SportClips...

dad: Duck Soup was always there in my den in Van Nuys in the '80s, why didn't you ever slide that VHS cassette off the shelf and pop it in the family VCR?
me: i'm making up for lost time before it's too late...

Laurie Bird: Jesus Built My Hotrod, that was gonna be the Two-Lane Blacktop sequel if any of us in the cast had bothered to live...
James Taylor: Psalm 69? come on...
Debralee Scott: i coulda played Laurie Bird in the Lifetime Movie if i had bothered to live...
Laurie Bird: oh my god that is PERFECT CASTING!!!

Neal Shipley: i'm not another fat boy, think of me as the kid from Licorice Pizza who had outsize confidence and got HAIM to he his woman. i had the stones to walk up to Tiger Woods and shake his hand. do you ship us?

Gretchen Whitmer: who's the hottest governor of all time?...
Gavin Newsom: me.

Boc: hot walker, not just for horses...
Uncle Sigh: ...

Julie Patzwald: Copped Hall, where i copped a feel for the first time.
Celine from the Before Trilogy: same.
Smurfette: same.

Calista Flockhart: i DELIBERATELY knocked a DiGiorno pizza onto the lap of Harrison Ford at an Oscar party.
Harrison Ford: that's what did it, cute pixie manic magic girl with pizza.

Harrison: Calista?
Calista: yeah.
Harrison: i mean have you ever heard of a girl named Calista who wasn't currently living on Mount Olympus?

Miley Cyrus: sorry about climbing the Hollywood Roosevelt sign naked, i'll have it fumigated. 
Mayfair Hotel: wait for King Kong in 1933...

Kyle Mooney: Papyrus is the font of the words etched on the human heart.
Ryan Gosling: now i see how you bagged that tall ginger babe. 
Pati Jinich: will Taco Bell ever be BOLD again?...

Gordon Ramsay: who's my squatter? oh it's Jerry from Tom & Jerry, he's so CUTE!!!

Severus Snape: shoot the glass. with a wand. cheers, hold up your shot glass. i died and haunted J.K. Rowling for the rest of her life...

Shropshire: Vaporwave Shropshire...

ESPN: will Caitlin Clark be an immediate star in the WNBA?
Caitlin Clark in a red dress: i'm already a TV star...

Duncan Sheik: i'm the official soundtrack to the TV show Friends. i've never used a condom in my life...

Ranger Rick: raccoon ankles? but Burger King Tenders used to be so good!!!
Takahashi: that breaded.
Madame Pons: that pepper.
Ranger Rick: hey remember the French Chicken Sandwich in the '80s? just get chicken fries, NOT the nuggets, both are raccoon trash now...

Melissa Maker with snake: i'm the new Indiana Jones!!!
Caitlin Clark: you look like me. and i'm going to the Indiana Fever...
Harrison Ford: jungle fever cannot be cured with a pill.

Tor from Seinfeld: here take this Tor tea. drink it, like Alice. it will make your ass crab-bark. it will give you confidence, like a Hero. you HAVE to go crazy on her Instagram!!! commenting on EVERY SINGLE ONE of her posts, DMing her 20 things a day, it's the only way to let her know you're INTERESTED!!!
George Costanza with the wood triangle tent from Lars von Trier's Melancholia over his head: single being the operative word...

Duncan Sheik: my song "Barely Breathing" sounds like Puddle of Mudd's "Blurry"...

the four of us on stage.
Shakespeare: what will you do? in front of the class.
me: okay i got it, the play is about me having to choose between Jen P and Jen R for my future.
Jen P: and OUR FAMILY's future!!!
me: will i be a deadbeat dad? not if this play is successful. in the climactic scene...
Jen R: where we all climax?
me: where i climax making the decision. in my head. mind climax. the two of you, the Two Jens, turn around and expose your bare butts to the audience.
Jen P: i really was too lenient with you when we dated.
Jen R: COOL!!! i always wanted to be in Hair but i left it to the Kotter Players!!!
Shakespeare: this is reminiscent of a play my best friend Gustav Klimt tried to write...

me: and then the Two Jens go, "well, if you're the lover fated to me, you'd know the EXACT DIMENSIONS of all my curves."
Jen  P: oh yeah, and then i chime in, "i've been working on my glutes harder than normal rappelling off park walls in preparation for my spirit hike, i hope you take that into consideration when assessing my new measurements."
Jen R: and then i go, "remember i'm a heavy drug user so whatever my curves are they've since gone haywire."
me: and i take two sauce brushes from America's Test Kitchen and brush Jen P's two butt cheeks with butter.
Jen P: because my butt is like two giant Cheddar Bay biscuits from Red Lobster. NO!!! don't stick the point of that swinging compass in my butt!!! i'm terrified of needles you know this!!!
Jen R: Jen P, a little advice Jen to Jen, as a stage actress you gotta get used to a pantograph mirror. 
Jen P: the answer, my friend, is waiting in the wings...
me: okay okay the ruler!!! i'll use the ruler!!! and then i brush Jen R's two butt cheeks with gochujang sauce.
Jen R: gochujang AND my butt are having their moment...
me: and i exclaim the last line of the play whilst jumping up and down on the center of the stage as i yell


Shakespeare stroking his goatee: i see. i shall bestow you my letter grade on your work imminently post haste...

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