we're still in NYC.
Jen R: soap operas are my life. soap operas are my world.
me: i get it. i wanted to write for a soap. that's job security.
Jen: i can't believe i've been missing this. all this time. you stay at home to raise the kid, you're free at 11AM every morning to find out what's going on with these characters. you really get INVESTED in their lives. you watch from 11-12 then take the tyke in the grocery basket to the store for a deli lunch of black rye and sauerkraut and maybe some pepper pastrami or tenderloin or pork adobo. then get back for the late soap at 2PM. that is a life of Heaven!!! why don't more people do this?!!!
me: the thing with soap operas is two characters spend ONE YEAR avoiding getting to the truth, they talk around each other, it needs to take 52 weeks before the series-finale big-reveal bombshell. there's a lot of small talk in the interim.
Jen: this is BEFORE the kid goes to school of course. even when he starts preschool you can get away with the soap life.
me: the two characters say the SAME thing to each other in 100 DIFFERENT ways.
Jen: and i'm not just a fan glued to my small screen in my shower cap and bunny slippers, i get dressed up and attend the Soap Opera Daytime Emmys in New York!!! i'm on the red carpet with the stars!!!
me: you're the only one who attends those things anymore. it's not even on streaming. i only have dreams now, i have no reality.
Jen: when i say i'm a soap-opera scab, i mean i would cross the picket line to help the.........ACTORS make more well-compensated-for magic. show us the money, studio heads!!! i've developed a SCAB on my lower back from sitting for DAYS WITHOUT A PILLOW on a hard chair watching each and every section of the serial. i never miss a day, never miss a line of dialogue.
me: and it is ALL dialogue. what's your favorite soap?
Jen: the one with the big family.
Jen: why didn't we ever see Princess Leia fight with her lightsaber in a lightsaber duel?
me: with her dad, that would have been so Freudian. Jen, can we pop in here for a snack? we need something to lunch on while we watch soaps and Emmys.
Jen: this place serves only tubes of raw cookie dough. it will make your stomach sick but it's worth it. stomach tied up all in hurt knots at the hospital but it's a medical adventure. the Cher Christmas Special saved my life.
me: the Star Wars Holiday Special saved my life.
Jen and me in unison: Bea Arthur.
Jen: looking back, everything in the '80s had wood paneling.
me: and i wasn't an NBA basketball fan yet.
Jen: remember that ashtray in the backseat of a Pinto? i was 5 but i already knew what that was for.
Jackie Fitzgerald: you're STILL borrowing my '80s Corelle casserole dish...
Melissa Maker: when you eat these bagels, it's not about grief, it's about strength.
Warren Beatty: i do Barbara Rush's hair.........i'm gonna go cry now in the corner of my salon. by that BIG-ASS grey-black dusty hair-helmet ball.
Rod Serling tearing up: i didn't know Barbara Rush.........but i felt i SORTA did, you know?...
Rod, still crying: i knew Barbara Rush enough to know she was the greatest gilf of all time...
Jen: we've got, we've got, we've got the best life.........flying cats in the city...
Greykid: i'm a Velcro cat. who wears Air Jordans.
me: you and me are the dream life, Jen.
Tai folds her hands in prayer as she meditates in her yoga shoppe this evening...
Anne Hathaway on the Vanity Fair cover: call me Morena Baccarin...
Super Toad: wellness is a nebulous thing. but mostly it involves complete silence while playing video games.
the Lume Lady: yes, i called the vagina a piehole. i'm really not as annoying as you think i am. i'm the sweetest person in the world, i'm just trying SUPER HARD to be cool.
Shirley MacLaine: the lesson of Postcards from the Edge: use cutaways.
Princess Leia: and script doctors.
Joan Crawford: and a plan.
Mardith at a Berkeley rave: when Vaporwave colors turn into bisexual lighting, then you have achieved equality.
me: i can't walk!!! IT HURTS TO WALK!!! my feet are all cracked, my toe has exploded, i need ointment, woman, OINTMENT!!!
Jen: too much TV-watching will do that to you. scabbed toes. from planting your feet on non-shag carpet all day. shag on your toes is like a wet sock.
Boc: i feel ya, and walking is the only thing i can do in inclement weather. i need those eucalyptus socks sold at LUSH.
Jen: let's hang a left on Madison. my good friend Stu Scholl.
at Dr. Scholl's Shoppe on the Avenue.
Dr. Scholl: wear this beige toe pad to prevent corn.
Luke Russert: that's harsh, doc, Korn were good in the beginning.
me: thanks, doc, eating popcorn when you're NOT watching a movie is weird.
Jen: i came from the cornfields.
Dr. Scholl: it's a dot bandage the size of a bee hummingbird. band-aid your booboo with bliss. you can put a bandage on ANYTHING, even the TINIEST hole.
Hee: take a moment to online-hug through a screen the FIVE PEOPLE who actually READ your writing, they are the Real MVP, they are your soul's book club.
Oprah: right on, bitch, i hear that!!! alleluia!!!
Dr. Scholl: use Vaseline for cracked feet.
Jen: don't be callous.
Dr. Scholl: uh, son? what are you doing?
Luke Russert: eating my Vicks VapoRub.
Dr. Scholl: don't do that. and don't do that in the future.
Luke: i just figured since it's petroleum jelly i spread it on my toast.
Jean-Luc Picard: ...
Tai: on the plus side, your feet DO smell better, Luke.
Dirg: i put Vaseline in my gas tank.
Caitlin Clark at Madison Square Garden: call me C Squared. call me C2. call me CC. MSG ain't for squares, you damn punks, put up or shut up.
Leslie Sbrocco: finally, finally, for the FIRST TIME in your existence, you will actually LIKE being from Central California. Central Coast, fatherfuckers!!! i'm coming to Carmel, baby!!!!
me: okay but just don't do a review of The Forge, Clint Eastwood's restaurant.
Clint Eastwood at Carmel Food & Wine: what's the best alcohol for someone who is 100 years old to drink?
Diddy: skirl? a cocaine girl? no wait, i used that sound signature in a track, it's a bagpipe blow.
Lionel Messi: i don't use napkins when i eat, i was raised inside a Medieval Times.
Nick Kyrgios: you know why i quit tennis? my arms got messed up. tennis messed up my arms. the tennis ball messed up my arms.
Emma Raducanu: yeah mate, same, the tennis ball fucked up my arms!!!
Chris Evert: too bouncy? too bouncy tits?
George W. Bush: remember that first Saturday Night Live episode after 9/11? Reese Witherspoon and Alicia Keys. remember when i asked ALL AMERICANS to watch SNL as a sign that we were getting back to normal and to not let the terrorists win?
Anthony Michael Hall: yeah see? this is what i'm saying. Storybook International "The Five Loaves," people get sore when there are FIVE of anything, it never works out. since the two friends wanted no payment from the old man for their sausages in the first place, and bread, the man with 3 coins should have just given 1 coin to the man with 2 coins since that money was extra anyway. no need for Judge Karnov. i need one of those elf hats the two men wore.
Rory McIlroy: Irish cream in French Roast coffee, think about it...
Amelie: okay, who's the better introvert? me or that crazy bitch from Poor Things?...
Bulletman Golf: here at Bulletman Golf we make clubs for REAL MEN. made out of a Kansas tank. it will also help you gain some weight.
Ozempic: ...
Bobby Knight: i passed on Larry Bird?...
Vrbo.
the Once couple make their way to an Airbnb that is decidedly NOT a Vrbo.
Marketa Irglova: are you the landlord?
landlord: i'm the renter. my mom's buried in the front lawn.
Glen Hansard: now see not even I can make a song out of that. and i do wailing Irish dirges. rentee my pale white Irish arse.
landlord: mother loved Pale Ale.
Greykid: can my 16-pound bag of cat food last until the eclipse?...
Bustamante: Vancleave, the women with the biggest tits live here. i'm talking circus women.
PetSmart.
couple: we want our Golden retriever to be the Ring Bearer, right?
woman: yes. we didn't get vaccinated but our dog did.
man: what did we say at our vows?
woman: that we love our dog more than us.
Trinity: i didn't do it for the Macy's, i did it for the lemonade.
Coach K: dying in a war, why? play college basketball instead.
March Madness basketball: may the game always be more exciting than a video game...
Caitlin Clark's boyfriend: i'm the luckiest bastard in the world. if i'm being honest with you right now, i want Caitlin to be a college senior. and then just slide right on into the master's and PhD right here at the same school within driving and boating distance from me.
Bank of America.
Erica: i know why you enrolled your little dog in puppy school. you wanted the satisfaction of getting handed ANY diploma in your life.
blimp.
Jennifer Garner: what is this, the Rocketeer sequel?
Charles Barkley: Ugly Chuckling, that really hurt, Spike, because it was such clever wordplay.
Spike Lee: i directed this commercial. playing a director in the script.
Jim Nantz: non-alcoholic champagne?
Leslie Sbrocco: so it's grape juice?
Charles: everybody remember where we parked?
Samuel L. Jackson: yeah, Chuck, we all saw that Star Trek movie from the '80s with the whales. that was the BEST cast, Spock and them motherfuckers.
Nantz retirement.
Jim Nantz: do i still have to do golf? why? golf is so fucking BORING.
Charles Barkley: my PIN number is 123Rounders, get it?
Shaquille O'Neal: i always thought it was Shaqsmama.
Spike Lee: in the oil painting you made me look like Michael Jordan DELIBERATELY, didn't you Nantz.
me: let's tuck in here to see Appropriate on Broadway. i hear there's a secret surprise ending.
Jen: yeah, has to do with how you PRONOUNCE the word appropriate.
Sarah Paulson: every family needs a middle child to keep the peace. and a middle child to keep the peace BACKSTAGE, you know? amongst the cast. i'm trying to control my woman but you know how Holland Taylor gets after a couple.
Corey Stoll: i coulda been a big television star but i'm a real New Yorker, you know? not a fake L.A. man. look at my face.
Sam Waterston: Law & Order will eventually destroy your soul.
Jen: so the ending is the father is the HOUSE. the father built the Broadway sets the family uses to talk on.
me: i mean it's kinda weird that after all this time you still don't know what my name is, right?
Jen R: don't worry about that. just focus on how cute i sound when i list things in threes.
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