Jen R: we've got, we've got, we've got the perfect life.........flying cats...
me: don't stop applying the toe ointment, woman!!! DON'T SKIMP ON THE OINTMENT!!! don't skimp with the ointment.
Lindy Lenz: Instagram Call is clearer than AT&T. clearer than MCI even. leaves a watermark on your electronic device.
me: don't change yourself for me.
Lindy: unless you're Eminem.
Michael Weiss: what will AI water taste like?
Madame Pons: the Luwian people, descended from anybody who has ever graced one of our LUSH stores.
the Smurfs: petroleum was the fuel of Medieval times...
Anjali Tripathi: you don't want to see the eclipse, you want to see ME!!! don't trip, blood, there's enough of my light to go around. take those glasses off, we dangerous in this Roman space orgy.
Nero: an eclipse means my rule is coming to an end...
Alex Trebek: potent portents.
Anjali Tripathi: I am the path to planetary pleasure. hey remember when everyone watched NOVA on PBS in the '80s?...
Hee is fucking the baleen whale from Pinocchio.
Hee: to acknowledge those FIVE people who have stood and stuck by you your whole online life is to acquire honey. the honey inside you. it also helps out your local PBS station.
whale: I'M GONNA BLOW, BABY!!! i'm about to blow. i'm bout to blow.
Layne Staley, a bewildered Jerry Cantrell, and the rest of Alice in Chains: ...
Rod Serling: i was never a religious man. i only prayed when there was an Eclipse...
Jacques Pepin: you haven't eaten with anyone for years?
Claudine Pepin: why would they LIKE that comment on your YouTube page, papa?...
Jen Carfagno at Weather Channel headquarters: okay THIS TIME!!! THIS FUCKING TIME!!! i'm gonna SEE the Total Solar Eclipse!!! NO CLOUD COVER!!!
moon: i got you, mama, the Eclipse itself will be so COLD it will shoo away the clouds!!!
Fuerza: of course there's a Co-God. my husband. but I wear the pants in the family.
Boc: why does it always START raining at 7:30AM?...
Julie Kotter: you're watching that episode of Welcome Back, Kotter AGAIN because you have this indescribable itchy urge to see me again. go on, pop that VHS tape in your VCR...
Jen R touching my arm: you don't need decaf tea anymore, you have me to calm you down.
me: that's good. jasmine tea doesn't come in decaf...
Amelie: tomorrow you could get hit by a bus.
Paul: not if you're careful crossing the street...
Sarah Paulson: i'm not a bitch. i just play one on Broadway. in Appropriate, right? if you don't hate me backstage i'm not honest in tune with her domineering older-sister character, right? i'm not doing my JOB unless you hate me.
Hugh Grant is in the White House Press Room.
Hugh Grant: i'm a reporter in the corps. i want to see how the OTHER SIDE lives. when it comes to government. i was the only Prime Minister who ever danced. British apples are better than American apples.
PG&E: wait, California HAIL?!!! oh no, no no no, we're packing up and leaving the state...
Hoop Dreams: you can only watch one sports movie, right? watch us, not Hoosiers.
Valerie Bertinelli: we have a three-week rule. we must see each other at least ONCE in a three-week span.
Jen R: we need to adopt this with us.
me: what?!!! i can't go 3 HOURS without seeing you.
Jen: i mean this folie-a-deux Harley/Joker relationship we have can't be healthy, right?
Valerie: sex every 3 weeks is about right...
Michael Jacobs on the set of The Torkelsons: the Southern Gothic mansion i requested was SO BIG on the inside, panic set in. so i made them a typical poor Southern family.
Doctor Who: you could have just left them with me.
Olivia Burnette: what happened to me? why didn't i become Angelina Jolie? i was every boy's first crush. and every Disney girl. surely i grew up fine and genteel. surely i'm as hot today as i was back then. everyone's dream babe. who's attainable, down-to-earth, nice, kind, and the courteous girl-next-door. i was the stuff of Southern fantasies.
Angelina Jolie: too much hail falling on the roof. like a cat with a tin can.
Olivia Burnette: me and my Annie hair.
Tyzik: it's the type of weather where i get out my iPad floodlight and i go outside at 4AM, pitch-black dark, to see if i can spot the hail pelting down on the neighbors' roofs.
Jacques Pepin: you don't like anchovies on your pizza, but you WILL like anchovy butter. on a Flintstones standing rib roast.
Fred Flintstone: i don't like the way you talk, stranger. want me to ribroast you? want me to beat you soundly like a soundless animal-skin drum? playing a rib-bone xylophone ascending and descending the scales.
sabre-tooth tiger: you don't need therapy, Fred, you need cats. you need Greykid.
birria: worthless meal for goats. made of scraps. leftovers. no, it's the GOAT meal, the Greatest Of All Time.
Mighty Mouse: too much McDonalding, you know? let the trumpet-players play.
Andy Kaufman: i would have had a whole act only on WcDonald's Sauce.
Boc: the rain and the sleet and the hail are reminding you to take a couple of days off from walking to heal your limbs and gums.
Kurt Cobain chain-smoking a Camel Light: let ME tell you why Strawberry Nesquik is so meaningful. this is as bittersweet as it gets.
Frances Bean Cobain: look at my grandma hands, dad. yes, this has been bittersweet for 30 years now...
James Gandolfini: an earthquake is what REALLY killed Tony Soprano...
Eye Luggage: Two-Lane Blacktop and go.
Laurie Bird: okay let's put the rumors to rest before we start. yes i dated Art Garfunkel. but he had nothing to do with my death.
Garfunkel: i do have a song called "Early Demise" but that was about your mother.
Laurie: i'm feeling depressed. i'm not myself. like i'm feeling i can't be Laurie Bird anymore. i'm not comfortable being Laurie Bird, you know? i need to laugh. i need a good laugh, let's go to Saturday Night Live and you put on a turkey costume.
Art: no that was my ex-partner...
Laurie: this is a cute date we're on in this ballroom.
Art: can i get one last kiss? don't worry, this is not the RFK ballroom.
Dennis Wilson: i was the only Beach Boy who was SANE. but in being sane that made me depressed. i was the goth Beach Boy. i sang about death, not girls in bikinis at the beach surfing and then her top accidentally comes off. i'm not dead in that photo above, just sleeping.
James Taylor: is Sheryl Crow still available?...
Warren Oates: i'm the only one who actually ACTS in this...
Takahashi: so this is a car movie, so i guess this means the two of us...
Dirg: there is a LOT of car jargon in this. i'll be honest with you, the only thing i caught was Hemi...
Glen Hansard: ONCE again we have a movie where there are no names...
Laurie Bird: my last name is Higgins, or first name...
James Taylor: how'd you get in the backseat?
Laurie: i'm a hitchhiker, i'm trying to get the FUCK outta Arizona.
Dennis: we understand that sentiment, we all have that sentiment.
Laurie: Needles is a nice California spot. don't be needling me, fellas. or i'll leave again. i don't do drugs, no drug needles. my bag has pine-needle scents from all 50 States i've wandered through.
Mardith: i mean that bag tho, that bag is so CUTE, it's this FLUFFY kawaii cat bag!!!
Laurie: everyone in Mexico remarked on it when i did the Destinos walk through the hacienda...
Dirg: okay, when is the threesome happening? you KNOW a threesome in a dingy motel is happening soon...
at said dingy motel, James Taylor is forced to listen to the sounds of fucking between the Girl and the Mechanic.
James: this hurts my heart. my soul is crushed. being The Driver and i don't get any perks?!!! the SIDEKICK gets the girl?
Laurie: did you like how i moaned for a young person?
James: i can't talk about this anymore. life just isn't fair. yeah, well, i fucked Caitlin Clark AND Angel Reese IN THE SAME BED!!! that's right, AT THE SAME TIME!!! now THAT was a threesome!!!
James: are you gonna talk or just be the Harpo of the group?
Dennis: Marxism is a crutch, man. i only got one thing to say: nudes are not wedding photos.
James: i mean EVERY roadside diner along this empty abandoned lonely highway we come across has a toilet with a 30-pound pile of poo in it. WET poo.
James: we'll race you for pinks, MOTHERFUCKER.
GTO: James Taylor swearing at me, never thought i'd see the day, my mama told me about troubadour drifter grifters like you. Washington, D.C.? nah, Washington, D.C. is everything that's wrong with this country. let's end the race at Vegas so we can at least get something to eat, you know?
GTO: you want to give me road head?
cowboy: *silently shrugging*
GTO: i mean how can you be gay and a cowboy?
cowboy: homosexual hitchhiker, it's alliterative. do you know what the word importuning means?...
sitting on the wall.
James: yeah so the cicadas...
Laurie: you BORE me!!! why didn't you have a shoulder so i could rub it like the other dude?
James: i had a back, but you could never get to it to touch it because i was in the driver's seat all the time driving. fine, i get out, i'm not as cool as the other dude. i don't watch rad anime like he does, like GTO for example, GTO is a good anime...
Ebert gets in the car.
Roger Ebert: you're the only person we get to MEET in this.
GTO: i know, right? i'm the only one with a personality.
Takahashi: you gotta love this era of HITCHHIKING. people were FEARLESS back then.
GTO: we actually lived by the credo that EVERY human was our FELLOW human, a rider in need, we helped HUMANITY. to the doctor's and the morgue. and Vegas. i mean the least we can do is offer a free carpool, right? even to axe murderers who were still Americans.
Jimmy Carter: that's not what i meant with the gas thing.
looky-loos: what's the deal with your car?
James: it's JUST the engine...
looky-loos: ours is faster.
James: you can never go too fast.
Laurie: except in sex.
barely avoiding a fatal head-on collision.
Laurie, shaking: i'm frightened as fuck. i need a shoulder to console on, i give great massages in the car.
James: you have to learn early, girl, life is about sudden death.
Laurie: don't tell ME that!!!
Laurie gets in GTO's car for a change.
Laurie: cool tunes, mister.
GTO: i got the ONLY copy of that Wu-Tang Clan album. open road, American freedom, owning your own agency, you know? not changing your soul identity to fit into a relationship. HAVING something that's actually YOURS. like a record. i have nine ex-wives. i'm thinking we go down to Miami to visit my four moms The Golden Girls.
Laurie: i wanna go to Canada. i have a Canadian face. this green jacket looks like i live in the woods.
at the roadside diner.
GTO: even the ketchup and mustard bottles have naked hula-dancers on them showing their tits. got any oatmeal?
waitress: we have an antacid.
Steven Spielberg: see? EVERY diner at this '70s time offered an antacid as part of the menu. Rolaids after Free Love. all part of my Duel continuum.
local: you see the sign? NO DANCING. are you faggots?
GTO: no, they're not hippies, don't worry. they're my sons so they can't be hippies.
James Taylor: i'm Kevin Bacon, MOTHERFUCKER.
Clint Eastwood: this drag strip looks familiar, is this Carmel? Laguna Seca when it was Carmel?...
Herman Munster: why does this look like The Munsters in California?...
bird: bread? you got bread to be with a bird?...
Laurie: Tail of the Dragon? is that another anime?
Brooke Trantor: but Chicago is rad.
Laurie: there are no motorcycles in Chicago!!!
Kumail Nanjiani: but there are LEGENDARY comedians...
The Mechanic: it's The Girl's choice, she decides who she wants to be with.
Laurie: thank you.
The Mechanic: she doesn't want you, James, or GTO.
Laurie: i'm tired of you, too, Mechanic.
Mechanic: oh.
Laurie: i'm hopping on the back of this random motorcyclist from Canada. c'est la vie, that's life and love, like blowing in the wind...
James Taylor: there's no permanence to life, no tracking love, except in song.
Laurie Bird: i like your music more than my husband i mean live-in boyfriend Art Garfunkel's music. Art's art is very word-heavy, avant-garde, very college, it's like i'm back at school, where i should have been this whole time. your stuff makes me mellow, keeps me from going cray-cray and doing crazy things to myself. maybe if i had married you instead of Garfy...
Garfield: i have a mellow voice, too...
Billy Corgan: and great loves..........will surely have to end...
GTO driving away: i will always have the Pac-Man World record, all mine, that is something i can take to my grave, to signal that i was here, that i lived on this Earth...
James: and the movie abruptly just.........ends. in an oily black hole of torn film reel.
Trent Reznor: very Nine Inch Nails.
the other James: like The Sopranos...
Anthony Bourdain: can we talk about the Existentialism of Vanishing Point now?
Kurt Cobain: no, that's too depressing.........even for me. g'night folks.
Jen: i love the SHORTHAND in this film, you know? there are very little words said amongst the three of them, a lot of SILENCE, they say ONE WORD to each other and the other two know EXACTLY what he or she means...
me: i'm working on a shorthand like this for us...
me by the fire. the propulsion-tank fire.
Jen: you're being held up by a chain.
me: i'm thinking smashburger. not from Smashburger, from Jack in the Box.
Jen: wanna smash?
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