Monday, April 1, 2024



we're still at the park.
me: Patricks and Jennifers, there's just something about them. Patricks and Jennifers will always meet each other in impossible ways and fall in love and have kids and maintain families. through the cosmos. spanning every universe. may they never stop meeting like this.
Jen P: for better and definitely for worse.
Jen R: do you fantasize about what would have happened in your timeline if i never existed? sorry if this is painful and bringing up regrets.
Jen P: but you do exist. sigh, sometimes. like i'm sure he'd eventually want to move into the Gummi Bears Treehouse. 
me: not as expensive as you'd think, for some reason that tree has been abandoned.
Jen P: raising a couple of tykes who grow up to be '80s nerds. they're actors but not in the way any parent wants, they're YouTube podcast actors. i thought i had it rough as a traditional actor.
Jen R: yeah. our kids skip a generation and become well-grounded adults who never get high. notice how i haven't mentioned any college. they drink tea instead of doing cocaine. why does one person need to have an unhappy ending? bad endings are so permanent. we all get a good ending when one of us gets a good ending. let's combine our families into one blended community and live at the International Antarctic Centre, Lord knows there's enough room up there.

i slip out to make an important phone call from a long wood telephone pole that turns out to be a tree trunk.
me: hello? before you hang up, this isn't an April Fool's, i swear.
Lindy Lenz: wait, did i butt-dial you an Instagram DM by mistake? at 3AM in the morning?
me: the fact that you were THINKING about me at 3AM is enough. let's not do a FaceTime at 3AM, our faces would look ghastly.
Lindy: yeah sorry, that wasn't for you, that was for my boyfriend. my OTHER boyfriend, i suppose.
me: i know.
Lindy: i do have a life outside the two of us.
me: it's just when the two of us are texting back and forth on Instagram we're the only two people in the world, you know? what reason is there to send words to any other person? 
Lindy: we tell each other EVERYTHING. and yet you have NO IDEA who i am. like, what my actual life is. the life i lead outside of this iPad Mini. i could be a fish-spearing princess.
me: no, you're too warm for that, that's ice stuff. tho that would be a vegan profession.
Lindy: my phone is dying NOW.
me: the thought that you use this device to talk to other people, other friends, is WEIRD.

me: oh well. we'll always have Jackson and His Computer Band "Pump." and General Tso chicken. and that Baltimore kitsch diner that you never actually took me to but i saw it on Instagram.
Lindy: i can hear that diner song now. it's not "Cherish the Love We Have," it's "Perish the Love We Had." Chewbacca in a dress, what more do you want out of life?

Woody Allen watching Regular Show with Madonna: slapstick, it's a dying art, you know?
Madonna at Harlem Pilates: let's do an album together, my spoken word over your Vaporwave.
Woody: all Vaporwave beats come from a jazz horn.
Predator playing a bandolier synthesizer to Arnold Schwarzenegger: Vaporwaving, Vapor-wave-bye bye.
Animal from Muppet Babies: ...

Navy docklands: the date rape, the loose bottles of Pepsi milk strewn about, Donald Duck around here somewhere.
Utopia Planitia shipyards: strong, clean, energy-efficient starships made here. 100% electric. a stray warp nacelle that eventually becomes space junk may be necessary.

Akira Toriyama: yeah i'd be alive too if my red dragon underpants were washed in a crank hand-washer wood bucket by Bulma at a domed motel each night.

Elon Musk: greetings from Evil Elon Empire. Don Poorleone, i can't hate, that's a good one, that's a good nickname for Trump.

me: i start to sag, you know?
Lindy: this is what happens when you don't have mental illness, you get on with life.
me: i mean he's a sports writer who gets paid to sit in soccer stadiums, the least he could do is be a nerd. but he got engaged this weekend. on the hallowed grass grounds of the only soccer pitch in the world that isn't racist, Iceland's.
Orel Hershiser: ...
Mike Lupica: Bjork looks better NOW than when she debuted.
Lindy: it's not jealousy, it's the unmedicated life.

Boc: tiny tots, those cute little miniature red-breasted birds the size of a bee hummingbird.
Hee: smaller than a penny, motherfucker. i'm smaller than those birdlets. i invented the concept of scrappy.
Hee: you see a man slumped over on the wheel in the driver's seat of a paramedic van, ironically, i mean that's not good, right?
paramedic: sleeping strangely.

me: all i needed to do was be a Hudson and Holland Scholar. why wasn't i offered this?
Jen R: the Holland Tunnel is my jam!!! it's my Mork & Mindy thoroughfare!!!
Spalding Gray: i can swim as long as i'm wearing my Great Gatsby one-piece bodysuit.
college dean from Invincible: your phone went dead at the most INOPPORTUNE time. by the time you called back all we had left was Underwater Basket Weaving with a Mereology minor. 

Rory McIlroy: if i had done the wrist hinge in bed, Caroline Wozniacki wouldn't have dumped my Irish ass at the altar. it's MORE painful because i'm not Roman Catholic, i'm Irish Catholic.
Charlotte Coleman from Four Weddings and a Funeral: ...
Rory: that's what really happened. haven't won a Major since...

Cheap and Cheerful: this HAS to be the name of a 1970s British sitcom which eventually landed on American shores on PBS.

Mardith: V-Bucks? as in V stands for...?
Dirg: yeah, virgin.
Takahashi: i missed the whole Fortnite craze, i was busy dating Madame Pons.

Mark from Invincible: crying though my black eye, nice touch.

Easter bunny: walk, don't roll. do an Easter walk, not an Easter roll. save the eggs for Denny's. Jesus's sacrifice today, do something to honor that, buy pinto beans for mom instead of Cream of Wheat for you. 
The Pope: Easter is the perfect day to get your hair done. the Vatican salon will dye your white hair dark brown for free.
Fuerza: you might die if you don't have a Roman coin in your pocket.
Doryce by the Treehouse dishwasher: this is gonna be the biggest Easter LOAD of all time.
Takahashi: hug your Japanese friends on Easter.

Jen R: hey what are you doing? you can't drink in the park. you wanna end up a rumdum?
me: i can't drink at a park in Berkeley?!!! i honestly thought i was playing cards with an old kind courteous polite English gentleman with a tiny lollipop for a head. 
Jen R: you can't change the past. i can't go back to Sarasota High School and do a Skins with my friends.
me: can i at least TRY art school before it's too late?

Jesus: remember in the '80s when you and your family would actually DO STUFF for Easter?

John Belushi: the reason i started doing speedballs is i had to STAY AWAKE during all those live Saturday Night Live shows which started at midnight!!! thanks, Lorne.
Lorne Michaels: SNL is NOT an old person's game.
Laraine Newman: coffee, John, coffee.

Kurt Cobain: i would have named my son Bharosa, Hindi for reliance.

Strawberry Quik Bunny: pink cocaine is not the same thing. Diddy lost his anchor when Smalls died.

John McEnroe: looking like Jannik Sinner is cementing himself as the long Number 1. do we really want a sinner as the face of tennis?
The Pope: you should talk, John. i'm the face of the seniors holy league. for those who got lost along the way. for those that get lost after death.
Jannik Sinner: but i'm Roman Catholic, Commissioner McEnroe. i'm a choirboy. and i was an altar boy.

Truck-kun: yes but the truck has to be one of those '80s anime trucks ...
Bumblebee: Optimus gets to have ALL the fun!!!
autoship: automatic shipping.........of cars. and boats.

Lawrence of Arabia: this is the ULTIMATE movie you will NEVER watch...
Barry Lyndon: same here...

Code Geass spinoff: you were disappointed when it wasn't a Code Lyoko spinoff...

Takahashi: i'm thinking of going back to Japan.
Madame Pons: take me with you. i'm addicted to 7-Eleven.
Takahashi: as a man in Japan, i have one option: make anime. i mean i'm not going to be a salaryman at a black company, what's the point?!!!
Madame Pons: 7-Eleven is good cheap food, i can live off their hot dogs and ramen for 10 years.

LeBron: it's playing that Sunday-afternoon NBA game at the end of a hard week, that's when it's a GRIND. i'd rather be on the sofa watching 8th Grade ice hockey on ESPN 11.
Kenan Thompson: sponsored by The Mighty Ducks.

Chase Bank: thanks but no thanks, SNL, that cut a little too close to home.

solar eclipse: the coolest type of New Moon.
Mike Krzyzewski: since the NCAA Championship game is on the Eclipse, NC State will win. and that makes my heart sing.
Bobby Knight: i never could spell your last name right, and you were my best friend, you little munchkin bastard.
Mike: your wife hated you.
Duke: we're not Duke, we're In-State Rival.
Caitlin Clark: why can't i be Female Michael Jordan? why must i be Female Larry Bird?
Angel Reese: why is Caitlin Clark more popular than me? do you really want to know?...

Abbot Butt: the stability of silence, trying for a 100% stress-free life.

skateboard kids: pH? as in pH-balanced? healthy for us?
Lorne Michaels: no, P-H. Prep H, amigos. i'm P-H-ing it, baby. Preparation H, i put that stuff on my junk.
Tony Hawk: skateboard kids in the 2000s who lament missing the '90s put Preparation H on their crotches...

me: 10th Avenue Freeze Out.
Jen P: i recognize these dulcet tones.
me: and then you walk up...
Jen R: or you walk down...
me: until you experience 6th Avenue Heartache. that's New York depression.


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