CONSIDER THE LOBSTER

 

Golden Girls/Scooby-Doo crossover.

Blanche: why is this pooch sniffing my pussy?

Shaggy: don't mind ol' Scoob, he's just searching for Scooby Snacks.

Bea Arthur removes the bad guy's mask.

Bea: STANLEY?!!!

dad: USC Uber Alles, let's go, let's do this, let's protest!!! wow, i haven't been back at my old faculty building in 40 years...

Phoenix: i need a Chinese copper pot and Chinese copper spigot from San Francisco...

Catherine Smart: i was smart to leave Christopher Kimball when i did...

Guinness: too many casks of beer carry the casket...

soggy salad: sexier than soggy soup.

Boc: ...

soup with a nail in it: ...

toasted vermicelli: Medieval rice but not burned at the stake, more like trolley toast.

Nancy Faust: yes, i am Mrs. Talbot's daughter...

Mrs. Talbot: she hated baseball.

Nancy: i made a deal with the Tickler...

at the yoga shoppe.

Luke Russert: sex?

Tai: no, Luke, that is NOT my subtle body...

the next morning, Luke Russert puts an ad in the paper for a sublet...

me: you like walking?

Jen R: sure.

me: let's walk a marathon together, the Big Sur Marathon, it'll bond us in pain. exercise pain.

Jen: nah, i get foot skin tags. lots of pus, it gets messy.

Boc: i'm entering the Big Sur Marathon this year. but it's ironic, i can't go on my normal walk in the morning because the cross perpendicular is blocked. by the marathon...

Eddie Murphy: why the FUCK am i unloading the dishwasher at 6:30AM in the morning?!!! i'm the biggest star on the PLANET!!! i'm raw, baby!!! explain this, woman.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: i'm your wife? well it is the early '80s on SNL, so i guess. you do look cute doing the dishes in your red leather pimp suit.

Jen: Sears LIVES!!! garish as ever!!! it's an antiques store now, a BIG-ASS bodega. no wine, i promise. no Bodego shorts. they're selling my merchandise in there: pink grandma sweaters with diamond-shaped holes cut into the sleeves. the art of the hunt. fallen wish, you know?

me: you can beat this world with your crazy. but am i enough for you?...

Poe crow: we ain't ravens, we calendar birds...

Trinity the cat: i am circumspect about all things in life...

bacne: those Oxy Stridex acne pads in the '80s were doused in salad vinegar.

Snake from Degrassi: The Zittles was my band at Degrassi Junior High. after band practice i'd smoke pot with little cartoon mice-people. i was in 7th Grade mind you...

John Green: turtles all the way down.........the day i lost my mint-condition '80s TMNT action-figure toy collection with rare blue Ooze...

Chris Cornell: the day i tried to live.........maybe i shoulda stayed in bed and played with my toys.........i had electric guitars but maybe i needed He-Mans...

Melissa Maker: spam calls?

Lucio Rossi: yeah, it sucks.

Melissa Maker: try Maple SPAM...

Lucio: SPAM doesn't suck...

calendar wolf: inside me there are Two Wolves? 

Groundskeeper Willie: feed it. like your lawn. only one wolf...

Jen R: hey Alejandro, can we get some of those chartreuse reflecting safety vests you wear for us? we're walking a long parking lot here.

Alejandro: i am reflective of my good friendships in life, you guys.

me: that's a good idea, i'll grab one for Jen P, too...

Baltic, Connecticut: where Mystic Pizza REALLY took place...

Leslie Sbrocco: it's weird having water with pizza...

Robert Blake on SNL: i'm doing a sketch about battered women.........i mean there's so much Inception on this stage i'm drowning in it...

Robert Blake: and then the sketch continues with Froggy from The Little Rascals in zebra prison stripes...

Christopher Nolan: have you ever taken the usual walk down the Berkeley campus?...

The Masked Singer: okay now we're just doing Power Rangers villains...

Mitt Romney playing NHL hockey: and you thought I was cold?...

David Foster Wallace: consider the lobster. the pain of this sentient species, the anima soul in all animals. don't let the lobster turn its animus on you. just have chowder, plain chowder, chowder implies potatoes, potatoes are all you need!!! lobster chowder is redundant and obscene.

Stephen King on a lobster parade float in Maine: luxuriant lobster chowder?

David Foster Wallace: NOTHING HAPPENS at the AVN Awards. they're boring like the Oscars. did i ever win an Oscar? i should have like Spike Lee. porn is dead. that slight tingle you get in your pants every once in a while is momentary. a fleeting freckle.

George Gaynes: i feel a tightening feeling in my pants.

O.J. Simpson: let it go, conservative talk-radio host, i'm dead.

David Foster Wallace: i know, right? what a waste of the airwaves when you could put poetry on the air 24/7, let's bring poetry back...

Madame Pons smooching Takahashi in the Hillavator in Pacific Grove.

Madame Pons: no, babe, don't push the OFF button.

Takahashi: don't stall it? but i'm scared being on a Redwood tree, i need space to eat my medium-rare-plus steak.

Madame Pons: medium-rare-plus steak doesn't exist. like Darth Vader. the two of us must restore the reputation of taxicabs.

Darth Vader's voice stuck in a tree: why do you think taxicabs are zebra-checkered flags now?.........the colors of good vs. evil.........i'm good...

King Kong (1933).

Fay Wray on a boat: why do you hate me so?

Popeye wannabe: women are annoying.

Fay Wray: yeah. it's 1933 so let's just move on and talk about something else...

movie guy: nah, 'twas beauty killed the beast.

dead King Kong on the NYC sidewalk after a bit of a fall opens one eye and smiles that Nosferatu smile of his.

King Kong: now THAT's a mic drop.

at the Oscars, Billy Crystal gets wheeled out as Hannibal Lecter.

Billy Crystal: i'm sorry, Fay Wray, didn't mean to frighten you, i know you're an old lady and 100 years old.

Fay Wray: you think i'm scared of your lame act? i acted with Kong!!! KONG!!! King Kong was misunderstood. sure he smelled his fingers for my cum after grabbing my cooch, but he was just curious. do you see how LIFELIKE King Kong is in 1933? that's because a mad scientist named Ray Harryhausen or some shit breathed life into King Kong's eyes by making him stop-motion. as Seth Green can attest, stop-motion characters come to life in a crude CREEPY AS FUCK herky-jerky way. 

Seth Green: Robot Chicken would not be the success it is if we had done 3DCGI. AI can't do what we do!!!

Jen R: monastery is a commitment.

me: like marriage.

Jen: wouldn't it be more fun to be married to me?

me: yes.

Jen: but do we have a deep spiritual connection?.........that is the question...

Jen R: Ro for weight loss? after they cancelled Roe v. Wade? HELL NO. have you seen that GHASTLY Ro Stick? you stick into the flabs of your stomach. midsection malaise. like a back-alley operation...

Kirk Cousins: what up with that pick?!!! yes i throw a lot of picks...

Boc: it has to be DOWNPOURING, not drizzling, for you not to take your usual walk...

Leslie Sbrocco looks intently at a calabash gourd.

Leslie Sbrocco: i'll have one of those with a bottle of wine...

Morgan Bolling: ...

Stormy Daniels: i didn't wear a mushroom dress. you were high on mushrooms. this is a frequent occurrence on porn sets. 

Toad: ...

Stormy Daniels: i'm surprised it was you, Toad...

Jean-Luc Picard in a Mr. McFeely hat: can a man just have a diet of tea and coffee?

Jennifer Hetrick: can a woman? what would our kid have been like?

Jean-Luc: Lore before he went crazy.

Jennifer Hetrick in stamping cowboy boots: my name is Vash because my pussy is more vast than the universe...

the stomach alien from Alien: carrageenan, yeah, why do you think your milk is so damn sugary? excuse me while i spit.........i don't smoke...

Guardian Caps: we look like Chiclets...

Gemini from American Gladiators: ...

Rafa Jr.: come on, dad, let me see Challengers.

Roger Federer: no way!!! ask your mother.

Rafa Jr.: can i, mom? 

Chris Evert: yes. there's only one threesome scene. this is how Two-Lane Blacktop should have been...

Jen and i at Burning Man.

Jen R: do you hear that? i'm not vomiting.

me: just allergies?

Jen: Burning Man has an actual invisible spiritual dome over its revelers that protects them from the outside world...

Jen and i by the fire.

me: happy weekend, my babies. TOMORROW: Burger King.

Jen R: but have you ever had the Large Fries.........from Burger King?...

me: good point, babe. avert your eyes, McDonald's...