we're still at The Masters.
Jen R: well while we're here we might as well visit Santa Claus.
me: um, that's the Masters Gnome.
Jen R: all gnomes have such bad connotations.
me: ever since Gravity Falls was cancelled.
Jen: let's check out the forest behind Amen Corner, you can hike here, right?
Celine and Jesse: for the record, we had NOTHING to do with Sasquatch Sunset...
Harry and the Hendersons: Sasquatch Sunset is NOT the movie version of our TV show...
Fuerza: what's behind Amen Corner? nothing...
Tai: FINALLY the next season of Bridgerton will focus on the REST of us girls!!! we need love, too!!!
Nicola Coughlan: right?
Tai: i wish i had your tits. i'll never have tits like that, i'm too skinny.
Nicola: betwixt my tits is a honey drop. tour-operator to Ireland now while rates are low!!!
Tai: group trip? solo traveling but not alone.
Luke Russert: if you change your mind i'm always here...
Tai: a package tour. package holiday. so i can watch my Britcoms alone in peace.
Luke Russert: i have a package...
Lorne Michaels: not a box...
J.R.R. Tolkien: not all who mzungu are lost.........it means wanderer, has nothing to do with being a white man...
Rosemary Gladstar: yes i auditioned for Dune...
Pati Jinich: squeezing an avocado out of its skin is messy, it's not just how I do it...
Paige Spiranac: i hold the putter between my tits, more stability than what Adam Scott does...
Rory McIlroy: Masters morning and all the cows have come home...
Tai: Masters morning meditations. golf is the ultimate zen sport. it teaches about life. if you're not present, living in the present moment, golf will psychologically cripple you for life. if you make a birdie on the first hole, that doesn't mean you're gonna win the Masters...
salmon in that Masters creek under the footbridge: you combat chronic absenteeism by giving out prizes? what prize do you hand out for going to school?
Salinas High School: an $80,000 mattress.
Jen R: now THAT's a prom gift. Masters mattress.
Tai: prom present.
Zack de la Rocha: THIS is the legacy of the Battle of L.A.?...
Boc: don't pick up that dirty bag of barbecue chips. potato AND grill. bow down and pray to that pinecone.
O.J. Simpson playing golf: i did it. what took so long? am i off the SNL Ban List now, Lorne?
Lorne Michaels: no. but you know what? let's bring back Louise Lasser, Adrien Brody, and Sinead O'Connor...
O.J.: cable TV was GOOD in those days, man...
dad: i quit my job because of O.J. it was too dangerous to drive on the freeways anymore...
Tai in the golf tent: i'm thinking of getting into gemology.
Mardith: i viddy you, girl!!! go for it, mama. i'm only into a toe gem for my toejam.
Gladyce at the craft table with all the pimento cheese gone: the era of the fried egg has ceased, dear.
Doryce: say what, dear?!!! say it ain't so, dear!!!
Gladyce: i've ruined my last pan. scraping scabs.
Laurie Bird: the non-stick coating of your egg pan looks like Two-Lane Blacktop. and smells of sulfur.
Gladyce: Bird is my spirit animal now. scrambled eggs from now on.
Doryce: that means butter. we'll both be fat. the era of the fat witch has commenced!!!
me: i can't go a day without you.
Jen R: i'm the human One-A-Day vitamin.
Akshay Bhatia: hi, man with the improbable girlfriend, um, are vitamins allowed? i'm a beanstalk. those beanstalks of ancient folklore. magic.
Rory McIlroy: Jen R makes us all better.
Jen R: i'm better than an aiming stick.
Rory: call me McIlboy.
poached egg: a fried egg without all the mess...
Jen R: we're both at the stage in our lives where our DAILY INSATIABLE CRAVINGS are for food, not sex.
me: all day i dream about cereal.
tennis services: the room, not the serve...
spam call: can you hear me now?
Lucio Rossi: no.........this is my nona's voice...
spam call: we're not trying to record your voice...
Lucio: we?...
Super Mario: what the FUCK is in your recycling bin? it weighs 120 POUNDS!!!
Luigi: your guilt at how you treated your brother. and some gold coins.
Super Mario: my Transformers trash truck tipped over!!! i had to snort 15 Super Mushrooms. my delts went limp.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: push from the bottom...
King Koopa: the princess isn't in there, right? i'm forgetful in my old age.
Princess Peach: i've NEVER been fat. except in junior high school when i ate a lot of peaches.
LIV: Roman numeral for 54, 54 holes, you only got that now, huh...
David Foster Wallace: as you stroll these hallowed golf grounds, a sense of nightmare nostalgia grips the skin under your toenails. i'm doing my best Wright Thompson. yeah Augusta told me i could come back here whenever after my death to trod the rolling greens and give my takes on modern advertising. it's the wrong sport for me but oh well, i'm sure the creek freezes in winter to form a rope. this is preparing me for when i'll have to go down to Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale, i was the model for the Michelangelo David there...
Pati Jinich: the morning after.........a hangover, not sex. use hot sauce.
Ear Horn: for a cough?...
Pati: Mexican fly...
Jordan Spieth: one quadruple-bogey and my entire Masters is over? ONE HOLE?!!! ONE FUCKING HOLE?!!! next time i won't be vacationing at Augusta in February, i'll be on a distant planet with Laraine Newman...
Ben Stiller: let's get out of here...
Jordan Spieth: i can't go on an adventure with you, you little blue-steel freak. the rest of us have to stay and eat slimy salami.
Ben Stiller: it's better than slimy ham with mustard, you uppity nonce. some of us are between heaven and hell.
Boc: a roll of gray duct tape smack in the middle of a parking lane ruining that spot forever. the Safeway parking lot is a minefield, doesn't anybody else notice this?!!!! a yellow Post-It Note stuck to the side of the corner sidewalk gutter is either a last grocery list or a final love confession...
Chuck E. Cheese: yeah i'm in your attic. making tiny ball poops. where do you think all that pizza goes?
Pasqually: that's not my accordion, that's my fumigator's nozzle. i always wanted to just be the drummer, you know? not make a difference in people's lives.
at the Masters ponds.
Greykid: feed me bread like a duck.
Abbot Butt: but you're a cat.
Greykid: birds are friends. birds are lovers.
with Larry David on the golf course.
Julie Patzwald: Richard Lewis taught me how to be goth...
Doryce: spit-solid, a good blowjob whilst playing Metal Gear.
Takahashi: i like you...
Curtis Strange inside Butler Cabin shielded from the light rain: no, John McCain has not risen from the dead...
John McCain: Easter was last week. and yes i have. and i'm taking back my Republican Party!!!
mom behind the line in the golf gallery: see? i DO have something in common with that smart brute Gene Simmons, we both walk with a walker. oh but that man has that most DREADFUL tongue.
Dove in the beauty tent: we're for REAL BEAUTY, not AI BEAUTY.
AI: okay but these real beauties of yours aren't exactly haggard...
Madame Pons: i do like what you've done with the place. with the tent. a neon waterfall inside the tent, impressive. but LUSH still has The Midnight as our house band. Dove ivory is so SMOOTH but i know where it comes from, i read Babar to my kid every night, remember, Mardith?
Mardith: i got a Babar tat on my ass. Babar not bars of Dove soap.
Eye Luggage: Duck Soup and go.
Laertus: so where does the duck soup come in? i thought this was going be another Dinner at Eight.
Eye: it means something easily done.
Taylor Swift: water off a duck's back?...
Greykid: i did enjoy the opening-credits scene...
Eye: you're looking quite ducky today, Laertus.
Laertus: and you dapper, my dear.
Groucho Marx: ironically, this film is a rebuke of Marxism. combat THAT Marxism with OUR Marxism.
Chevy Chase: Francisco Franco is still dead.
Groucho: we were just four Jews looking for a laugh.
Gabe Kaplan: was that your real mustache?
Groucho: in the early days before we had a hit movie it was shoe polish...
Harpo Marx: you want to hear my voice? here. hear. see? i sound like Curly. just remind me never to seek treatment at a city hospital again...
Chico Marx: you want to see what i look like without my Tyrolean hat? here's some gum, kid, go play in traffic.
Roger Federer: why don't I have a Tyrolean hat? and a tracht, i wear pajamas on the court now. i brush all the Taco Bells i eat in clean with the brush on top of my Tyrolean hat. i collect bicycle pins!!! my best friend is Lance Armstrong now.
Chico: here, take your gander, my receding-hairline bald head in all its glory!!!
Jean-Luc Picard: that's Italian hair, not French hair.
Zeppo Marx: this was the last movie it was in. or last talkie, whatever. forget about me. i'm just your silver cigar lighter now...
Groucho: all my cigars. strangely none were ever from Cuba...
Margaret Dumont: the only Female Marx Brother. Marx Sister.
Groucho: without Margaret all of our films would have flopped, she was the glue guy, you know? only i could call her Marge.
Lorne Michaels: it's not Dick Soup.
Raquel Torres: i have a very modern look, i could be playing Salma Hayek's daughter in 2024...
Freedonia: this movie gave the world Freedonia. Freedonia is now the catch-all country for ANY far-off place...
Jen R: except that hamlet in New York called Fredonia, i lived in Fredonia, in a little hamlet. i did Hamlet there. as in i did the play and i fucked Hamlet.
Shakespeare: i'm coming back soon...
Bjork: no, Iceland did freedom the right way first.
Groucho: nobody wanted to see this during the Depression, i don't know why, ANY distraction is better than the Great Depression, right?
Rufus T. Firefly: rejected Dune character.
Groucho: i'm the talky one, the one who uses many words, my jokes are wordplay jokes. see, we're The Three Stooges without the slapstick...
Groucho: we were trying to bring the country together during a very tough time with the song there. the WHOLE country. ALL colors of people. copyright? Walt Disney can kiss my streetwise ass.
lemonade-stand scene.
Charlie Brown: this is what happens when you don't put up the sign.
Snoopy: yeah see, this was back when lemonade actually WAS 5 cents!!!
mirror scene.
Lucille Ball: that's old hat. not you, Chico. Harpo did that with me on my show. oh yeah Harpo, here's your leg back, shaking legs, that means something else in my bed.
Harpo: you were a saucy red in bed.
Lucille Ball: it's still weird when you talk. but your balloon face was always so angelic. i placed my leg in William Frawley's armpit and he SLAPPED IT THE FUCK DOWN so hard he broke my heel.
Groucho: i'm sweet on you, Margaret Dumont.
Margaret Dumont sipping green tea: wanna get married?
Groucho: only if you promise you won't gaslight me when i get older by repeating that i was Ebenezer Scrooge in that episode of Welcome Back, Kotter...
Gabe Kotter: oh yeah, the Christmas episode!!!
Margaret: do we have kids?
Groucho: yes, i work with kids later. to make America forget about Bill Cosby and a white Bronco.
Groucho: we originated the whole motorcycle sidecar gag where the sidecar leaves the motorcycle behind.
Britcoms filmed out in the countryside: thank you, Groucho Marx!!!
Groucho: we had to make fun of war, my father had already died as part of the Lost Generation!!!
Jack Tripper: only a fool signs up to die in a war. i got out of the Navy by being a cook.
Groucho: in our savaging of the Hays Code, we relied on those old Pirates of the Caribbean wench tropes.
Jean Harlow: i see you working, little funny man.
Harpo: that's how Mr. Ed was born.
Peyton Manning: and me.
Walt Disney: did you see what i did there in the Pirates of the Caribbean dark ride? with the whore and the dog?
the exchange of hats: it's going on as we speak in an infinite loop forever...
Moe from The Three Stooges: you see that thing there? where the film-reel cuts away when the actor does a pratfall?
Curly: the film-reel stutters like i stutter.
Moe: that's right, wise guy, you are very smart. they stole that film technique from us.
Larry Fine: was there a GRAND Three Stooges vs. Marx Brothers war in Hollywood? yes. it was Marvel in nature.
Curly: we only worked with them ONCE in order to exchange dames...
at the KTLA Channel 5 Studios in Los Angeles.
Rex Reed: what is the legacy of this film?
Groucho: Animaniacs. g'night folks.
Groucho: hey is that other film critic here? the one with the Groucho mustache and fro?
Rex Reed: he started eating pickles because of you and lost a lot of weight.
Groucho: this movie influenced Boy Scout fashion. are the Boy Scouts still a thing in 2024?
me and Jen by the fire.
me: happy weekend, my babies. okay my love, what should i have TOMORROW? Taco Bell or McDonald's?
Jen R: have you ever had 6 tacos from Taco Bell all to yourself with Taco Bell hot sauce? eaten in one sitting.
me: yes but never delivered.
Jen: fast food is SO worth the price...
Jen: hey i snuck a bottle of Smirnoff Spicy Tamarind for the two of us onto the golf course, Arnie Palmer won't mind that it's not lemonade nor iced tea, right?
Arnold Palmer: i'm here with O.J. now. this sucks. why are we forever intertwined like this?...
Jen: i put the two shot glasses in my bra...
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