ALDEBARAN: THE DEAL WITH LOVE

Jen R: when you got a bun in the oven, these oven temps on Aldebaran and everything, it's a little much, it's a little too symbolic.

Hayao Miyazaki: gotta ride it to Heaven in outer space. gotta roll with the punches, little lady, life comes at you fast, life is a planet away. and what about you, huh? are you gonna step up and be a man? a good Japanese man?

me: i'm trying. i'm an otaku, isn't that enough? i will stand by Jen's side the rest of my days no matter what.

Hayao: no matter WHAT?

me: ESPECIALLY no matter what.

Jen: why we've just booked our Saturday tennis court for the afternoon. is it afternoon on Aldebaran? can't tell. you know, living on the sun ain't all unicorns and rainbows. it's not a hippie circle, it's a ball. in honor of our new red sun-planet let's use those pretty red strings on our tennis racquets.

Dr. Robbins: the first step is to dream what you want.

me on the psych couch: i want quiet. i want it to be ultra-silent. monkdom for me is about peace not politics erm religion.

Robbins: you need to live in El Tuito, Mexico, quietest place on Earth. then you can focus on being a dogcatcher.

me: that's the ghastliest job in the world. that's like legalized big-game hunting.

Jen R: i want to blow you.........a kiss. little Samantha/Serena witch humor from Bewitched.

me: Samantha as Jimi Hendrix, never thought i'd see the day.

Jen: you get a little disoriented when you attend a Bono concert at Joshua Tree.

Bono on stage at his London concert: stop clapping for five minutes, five minutes is all it takes for 1000 Africa babies to die of preventable disease.

Bono: yeah. there will always be a 30-minute awkward silence at every one of my U2 concerts. it's painful and it's uncomfortable. 

Katie Boulter: who was the last British woman to win Wimbledon?...

shrimp: how can you eat shrimp? they look like Cardassians...

Rayna Jhaveri: why don't i have my own cooking show? i mean ALONE. i'm a real Brit, unlike Gordon Ramsay.

Gordon Ramsay: your outsize personality is REAL. it's genuine, not for TV. you're nuttier than me. you have hair that makes it seem like you played professional soccer...

Rayna: jealous?

Gordon: yes. 

Rayna: want me to fill you full of nuts?

Gordon: i'll take a packet.

Dr. Cornelia Wilbur: Sybil? no, she just had a bladder problem.

Sally Field: all actors have multiple personalities.

Chrissie Hynde: who has the better voice, me or Karen Carpenter? i'm 70 years old and hotter than when i was young!!! sexiness plus wisdom equals gilf. allure ages like cheese. 

Starship: our song "Sara" is really about you, Chrissie. later it was about E.T.

Chrissie: my comeback album is entitled Hynde nor Hair, it's a Vaporwave album.

Flora from Real World: Miami: can you read my manuscript? and then can you read my anus?

E.T.: sure. but keep in mind i don't have the free time i used to. it could take a while. but i will read it. also this summer i'm transitioning from female to male.

Flora: i had no idea about that about you, E.T. does Elliot know?

E.T.: Elliott urged me to do it as soon as possible. he blessed it. he recommended it with a quickness. he biked me to the doctor at night so my parents wouldn't find out.

Elliott: the name E.T. is in the name Elliott, think about it.

Sarah Becker: i made Blistex tubes and Swatch watches cool the first time around, before they were retro. i was the first girl skateboarder you ever knew. i drew Marvel's The Simpsons comics with Judd from Real World: San Francisco. i made homemade Subway subs but with Roman Meal bread. i was the embodiment of the 1993 movie Airborne.

Dan Renzi: hey remember my i've-had-it face? my i'm-fed-up face?

Tom Selleck: reverse mortgage? you bet your bippy you're gonna do it. i am so CONVINCING when i speak to you through the TV, i'm looking directly at YOU, i take a LONG PAUSE as you watch my mouth FILLED with my giant cowboy mustache.

Gael Monfils: my favorite tennis shot is the sitter.

Elina Svitolina: speaking of, we need a babysitter.

Bill Cobbs: one look at my smiling face and you see Sesame Street. i'm Bill Cosby's father? no, Cobbs, not Cosby. i actually lived on Sesame Street in real life.

Vans shoes: they make you feel like a skateboarder even if you're not.

Dirg: how much is sex worth? like $500 or something?

Twilight Zone "The Last Defender of Camelot": live-action opening and closing scenes of The Flight of Dragons.

 

April, just married: it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

April, just married: no, my new husband's name isn't Venmo.

Simple Minds "Sanctify Yourself": the feeling of 1983 Saturday Night Live.

Trent Reznor: in 1983 i was still staring out the window of my bedroom at cornfields.

Snakez on Electronic Gems: we have a 14-year-old Vaporwave wunderkint on our hands. a pushbutton prodigy. when i grow up i'm the next Home. for great music. young hands on a synclavier.

Less from Mr. Maldark's class: i wish i had gotten an at-grade on my driving test.

every level crossing in Tokyo: anime.

Gummi Bears: the only way to get water in Medieval times is through a waterskin?!!! we can't do it!!!

Kamala Harris: you and me, either top of the ticket or the bottom, right? 

Gavin Newsom: yeah. can we make a change with a couple months left to go? can we just slip in there during the Convention?

Tim Kazurinky breaking into and rummaging through Brandon Tartikoff's office: why is Brandon Tartikoff hosting SNL?!!! 

Mary Gross: the boss has something on us.

Eddie Murphy: i called Mr. T fat.

Tim Kazurinsky: look at Brandon's phone, he has more friends than numbers.........i mean the other way around.........i'm so angry i can't think straight.........that was my improv on the spot.

Mary Gross: thank you for making me chuckle, that was the first time i've ever laughed in my life, why do you think i have this job?

Brandon the dog from Punky Brewster: now you know where i got my name.

Costco Connection magazine: Les Miserables vibes.

lead singer of Simple Minds: i sound like Bono.

Bono: don't you forget about me.........imagine ME singing that song.

Bono: no but seriously, don't U2 forget about me.

arthropleura: another reason you NEVER visit Arizona.

Imogen Cunningham: my Richie is a good boy. when he's not under the influence of that hoodlum Fonzie. Fonzie broke into my house and made love to me. i photographed Frances Farmer in her insane asylum, that's how anybody knew. people thought I was Frances Farmer and they had done a patient-switch.

the Seine: so much poop is in me now i'm starting to have weird thoughts. river swimming is supposed to be a thing of grandeur, people. look i get it, you're the good hippies, but there's gotta be a better way to protest. i mean now they're allowing the Terminator to pitch MLB games. the Tour de France doesn't finish in Paris, it finishes in the Sphere in Vegas.

Lance Armstrong: the race never ends...

Eye Luggage: Brewster McCloud and go.

Robert Altman: not the Luke Skywalker prequel.

Laverne & Shirley drinking Pepsi beer: why doesn't this little side story take place in Milwaukee?

me: it is a blessing to watch Brewster McCloud with you. i know how much you idolize Shelley Duval.

Jen R: because i look like Shelley Duvall. because i AM Shelley Duvall!!! who came up with Shelley's eyes for this film? they are MAGICAL. i hope the person who came up with those eyelashes won the Oscar for best makeup that year. they're giving A Clockwork Orange vibes. 

Stanley Kubrick: this movie came out one year BEFORE mine did, i stole those eyes for Malcolm McDowell's eyes.

MGM Lion: if i have lines, you know this is gonna be a funny film.

Odo from Deep Space Nine: sup bird. who knew there were so many birds on Earth? how can they not exist? all college professors get this crazy when their ornithology lectures are to 5 students. that green chalkboard is so comforting. my narration was your first osmosis.

Jen R: Introducing Shelley Duvall? oh Shelley, you're about to go on a grand adventure, you're about to have the most colorful film career of all time. 

Fernando Valenzuela: the Astrodome was a mystical place, a cathedral of baseball. that's where i threw a sinker pitch at Orel Hershiser's nuts.

Orel Hershiser: good thing i was wearing a cup. the ball hung in the air for 5 minutes then landed on my nuts.

Fernando: i mean that's why nuts are sold at baseball games.

Wicked Witch of the West: didn't recognize me without my green makeup, huh? that green makeup is my bronzer.

Doryce and Gladyce: babe!!! wherever have you been? we didn't recognize you not in Sesame Street!!!

Martin Luther King, Jr.: this is a very momentous occasion, they're playing the Black National Anthem, "Lift Ev'ry Voice and Sing" as if it was normal, this is the 1970 American South!!! that was a revolutionary act on Brother Bob Altman's part.

Malcolm X: Texas sucked back then. still does.  

Rubikon: the only good thing about Texas are the monsoons.

Bud Cort: i had a very good YOUNG life, i made it with a gilf and a nubile ingenue. the rest of my life not so much. being weird only works when you're young.

Shelley Duvall: kid, you lost your virginity to Shelley Duvall, that is Heaven. i was the original Manic Pixie Dream Girl. i'm that eccentric girlfriend that always ends up being the One That Got Away.

Sally Kellerman: no, i'm no Winona Ryder, no shoplifter, this is my vintage 1930s camera with smoke. you know women and their purses, they can carry a Mack truck in there. showing my tits at that fountain? that's not nudity, that's a Fellini tribute.

Sally Kellerman: whoa, look at my back!!! suddenly this is live-action Vision of Escaflowne. an angel without her wings is like a painfully-tied shoe. who do you want to lose your virginity to, me or Shelley Duvall?

Bud: talk about a deliciously impossible choice.

me: this has a Fargo vibe to it. 

Frank Shaft: get it? Shaft. and my blue contact lenses to look like Steve McQueen. except Steve McQueen never blew himself with his gun after one lost trail!!! that was overkill.

Stacy Keach: you can see why the boy became a killer with me as his boss. i'm actually WORSE AND OLDER AND CROTCHETIER than my 9 to 5 character!!!

Jennifer Salt: what's up with my character? what's her deal? why is she actin' crazy? it's just Bud Cort. i get that she's sex-starved but.........wow. everyone's done that, right? get under a blanket by yourself and pretend you're making out with someone.

Bud Cort: i'm 1970s Elijah Wood. i'm the real Where's Waldo. i'm the real Vault Boy from Fallout. you thought Sally Kellerman was the serial killer, right?

McGruff the Crime Dog: let's be honest, everyone wants to outrun the cops on the freeway at least once in their life. very strong Slaughterhouse-Five vibes here. all '70s movies look the same. bird shit is always justified, birds are very legal, very just, very apt, very appropriate, very honorable. birds will only poo on those that deserve it. 

Shelley Duvall: i don't care if the ending is a tribute to Fellini, i look CREEPY as a clown!!!

Robert Altman: the ending is rather depressing. once you find out Brewster is the killer it kind of puts a damper on things. this is how i should have done it: Brewster's not the killer, he's a sweet innocent intelligent bright-eyed kid confused by the hell that is life on Earth so he builds wings in order to fly like a bird outta there, all humans want to fly like a bird into the sky and escape this planet. 

Lindy Lenz: how the bird flies in outer space is another matter.

Altman: then the love story with Shelley would have been sweet. an older woman guiding a boy through love. and then Sally Kellerman transfers her godmother angel powers to Shelley, now it's Shelley's turn to look after Brewster, to care for him, to guide him into adulthood.

Shelley Duvall: to glide him into adulthood. on wings. on steampunk Wright Brothers wings. 

Shelley Duvall: the parable of the fallen angel, don't Icarus my Bicarus. g'night folks.

we tour Pee-wee Herman's Hollywood mansion.

me: Pee-wee bought this pad in 1985 for $400,000. that was a steal.

Pee-wee Herman: the REAL Pee-wee's Playhouse. looking to close this Zillow?

Jen R: this should be MY house!!! this is MY mansion!!! i should have been Pee-wee Herman's daughter!!! i'm loving the giant shag throw-rug next to the toilet in the chintz bathroom tho, nice touch.

Jen R: how the heck are we supposed to get off this star-planet and back to Earth?!!!

Hayao Miyazaki: use the most VISCOUS stuff in the universe as rocket fuel: Nestle La Lechera.

me: that you can only get at a specialty Mexico/El Salvador tienda? 

Hayao: no, 7-Eleven.

Hayao Miyazaki: so you up for it?

Jen R: will you take the deal?

me: yes.

Jen: you promise to stay with me forever but we never have sex?

me: yes.

Hayao: btw, Nissin and Maruchan both have cup o' noodles, too.

us by the trillion-degree fire flames of Aldebaran.

me: happy weekend, my babies. tomorrow...

Jen R: a triple cheeseburger and large fries from Burger King is the same as a Big Mac and large fries from McDonald's, right?