Gary Kildall: after the collapse i still needed to make ends meet. you see that auctioneering car out front?
dad: it's a cool shunted minivan.
Gary: i sold my wares out of it. i was so out of it. to the lowest bidder. to the cheapest bidder. to the bidder who would add me to their label. hard chairs back then, no soft seats.
dad: you look familiar. i recognize you, you're FAMOUS!!! i remember you on Computer Chronicles, that show was everything to us tech nerds. you taught me how to get out of mazes and swing on vines, don't ever sell yourself short. you were the king of the '80s!!!
Gary: it was on PBS. i wish it had been on NBC instead of Wheel of Fortune.
Gary: see that corner over there? by the standing fern? Leslie Sbrocco taught me about life back there.
dad: you were living out of your garage at one point?
Gary: yeah.
dad: but if you had a garage then you had a house.
Gary: our Christmas episodes were the most popular, we'd talk about how Nintendo was eating America's lunch.
Gary: speaking of, i'm hungry. my coworkers make the best Indian food. bhaji, pakora...
dad: oh i love Indian food, it's so sumptuous and succulent, especially hot curry.
Gary: i can't eat that shit, my head was on fire decades ago.
dad: i mean it's probably just heat stroke. take a shower in the vegetable section at Safeway and cool off under the Pimms tent.
Jen R: stay under a large Miyazaki mushroom when the rains come.
dad: you just need your resolve back.
Gary: what's resolve?
dad: when you solve again. hey remember when i called you guys up and asked to be on the show? you said something about MS-DOS and hung up.
Gary: no you said you had an appointment the day of filming.........with Alex Trebek?...
Simple Minds "Sanctify Yourself" music video: Nine Inch Nails "We're in This Together" music video...
cucumber: add an apricot to your cucumber salad to have a fruit-salad-salad-salad salad. cucumber combo.
Michael Weiss: if you're showing you and your friends on Instagram, why are you on Instagram?...
Brooke Trantor: i look like your Aunt Vielka.
me: omg you do, you really do.
Brooke Trantor: it's my birthday week. buckle up. it's also Shark Week...
Jen: i'm gonna DoorDash a coffee.
George Michael in the "Careless Whisper" music video: Sonny Crockett came to me for fashion advice. i told him to wear the earring and come to London. i flew him in from Miami on my private-jet seaplane...
Philip Michael Thomas: why was Tubbs always second? was it ever Tubbs & Crockett? no, because i was black and it was still the '80s.
George Michael: those red sheets in the music video were woven from the Red String of Fate.
Tootsy Wootsy: you're a hard shirking man.........that's shirking not shrinking, shirking is worse.
Brooke Trantor: sharking.
England soccer: headers? we don't use headers to score. we play football with our hearts not our heads.
Jules Smith: yeah. lionhearted. lionheaded tho. a lion's head has that gorgeous mane of gold hair like Kurt Cobain.
Kurt Cobain: wanna play Mario Kurt?
Jules: yeah.
Martin Yan: you can SMELL the heat before you can taste the heat.
Martin Yan: endless lemon wedges...
Gareth Southgate: i could have made that header. i'm good with headers not penalty kicks. lads lads, all the England team needed was a Snickers.
Shelley Duvall: i'm part-hippie, part-goth. Jackson is such a beautiful name.
Jack Nicholson with Joker smile: i don't have a Ring doorbell because i'm not good with screws...
Shelley: ...
Gary Kildall: should chili be ORANGE?
The Noodle Palace: we closed before we could experience the blackness of The Barnyard.........the black asphalt of the parking lot. let's reopen and offer Vietnamese burgers...
Julie Patzwald: if one door closes and another door opens.........you're living in a haunted house.
Gary Kildall: don't i know it.
Greykid: you'd work in a cat cafe fur free...
Ingmar Bergman: this life is not a rehearsal.
Ingmar's actors: was that meant only for your actors?
Ingmar: it is the stark reality. it especially hits hard for non-actors.
Aeon Flux: Hmmmmmmmmm...
Pam: it's been so long since i've seen my jubbies.
Kurt Cobain: wanna make lavender tea actually healthy? crush some Vanquish pills into a teacup...
David Bowie at Wimbledon: stick out your teacup pinkie, your teacup pinkie-finger. that's British for sticking out your tongue.
Martin Yan: give yourself a shave with a cucumber peeler...
Jen: i don't like guys with beards anymore.
beans: it actually doesn't matter if you eat beans cold.
Mr. Big: blond Fred Armisen on bass guitar...
Boc: i'm not a walker, i'm a flaneuse. i walk to avoid catching fleas.
Shelley Duvall wearing a legionnaire hat: why did Kubrick come up WAY short?
Boc: in 2001: A Space Odyssey?
Shelley: no, in life.
Boc: why can't dog flea collars last a lifetime? it's so fucking hot i'm scared of contracting cancer. i wish i had someone to wink at.
Pam: you can always stay with me in San Diego.
me: in the main house? in the art house? in your atelier?
Pam: no, in the garage. it's still San Diego.
me: yeah but Jack Tripper's never around.
Jack Tripper: i'm always at work.
Jim Belushi: i just realized this, i was on SNL during the fucking LEAN YEARS, man. the SHANK of SNL. i mean, shit. instead of dress rehearsals we'd have meetings telling us where we could eat lunch if the show got cancelled that day. didn't John's brother deserve better than that?...
Lance Armstrong: you can't have a situation were the Olympics bicycle race in Paris is better than the Tour de France...
Walt: when all else fails, work for Disney...
Jen: is this attractive? am i attracting you?
me: what are you doing?
Jen: the Shelley Duvall parrot dance.
me: i'm attracted to your clothes.
Jen: Shelley's '70s Gallagher look. paint splotches, kaleidoscopic patches, newsboy cap.
Shelley Duvall: and tailfeather that's just my hand's fingers.
Boc sees two old men walking together.
Boc: that's Vicious Season 3!!!
parking lot: we'll be closed for a month for black-asphalt repaving.........when we open back up the parking lot will look so pretty and be TWICE as dangerous.
Joe Pera: as President i promise a fruit arch in every backyard. to calm nerves. a country apple is not an apple. spur fruit is not sour fruit...
microwave: the READY flashing light was on ALL NIGHT?!!! no wonder i'm broken...
Carlton: the Carlton Dance was the first and ONLY dance you ever learned.
Martin Yan: oil your wok in an Uzumaki Swirl...
Coke Icee: you forgot, you don't drink Coke anymore, remember?...
Dirg at the wedding.
Dirg: nice to see your tits i mean you again.
Jillian Clare: i mean do you really belong at a wedding? a wedding is too advanced for you.
Roger Federer: for some reason you can hear EVERYTHING the players are complaining about when they're on Rhode Island grass courts...
Jillian Clare: i'm right now the ripest age for babymaking.
Fran Drescher: but you started in show biz at a young age, so you're really 60 years old...
Jillian: this wedding is taking place in the EXACT MIDDLE of summer...
buck moon: R.E.M. will get back together when all world religions go back to worshipping the moon...
Naomi Pomeroy: i'll kiss your sandwich. i wear a glitter Vegas dollar-sign hat but i look cool not lame. why? because i'm from Portland. Portland Potstickers? yeah that one was mine. i also did Slacker Sausage, Grunge Pie, and the Bike Burger.
Washed Out: you fed us 7 days a week during our first album.
Naomi: got a little jealous of your wife.
Sue Mi Terry: no it's SOUTH Korea, we're friends, don't worry about it...
Nelly Korda: i'm not doing any more fucking commercials. i'm getting back to winning Majors. i don't care if i'm pretty!!! i'm a golfer, not Bud Cort!!!
me: it's a new era at Panera.
Jen: they have the new Souper Sandwich to honor Harlan Ellison. with Crazy Sauce.
Harlan Ellison: i'm not Ralph Ellison, i've never been serious like that. i'm suspicious of this sandwich.
Samsung at the hot Korean diner.
woman: i have a distinctive face.
counter-woman and patrons: and we don't?
woman: try me.
counter-woman: you wanna fight?
Kevin Garnett: Wendy's Saucy Nuggs? i did NOT get paid for this. Garnett, not Durant.
Wendy's: i mean EVENTUALLY we're all gonna run out of fast-food ideas...
Samsung in Pacific Grove Forest.
British-Indian woman: and what's THIS bird then?
British-Indian man: wait let me look it up. i'm a Google scholar. here it is, this bird mates by getting naked in the woods. bird, both meanings?...
woman: let's take things slow. build me a nest with your twig and berries.
Gary: have you ever been so tired you throw your Atari coffee mug into your computer screen and break your computer?
dad: yes. but my mug is Ziggy.
Gary: i'm looking up whether it's home of or home to. i clicked on a link and it sent me to my birth certificate, that was weird. you ever type something in the search bar, press ENTER, and nothing happens? my wife Connie is having a rough go of it. she keeps getting unsolicited political DMs on her phone.
wife: i was tired when i signatured my name, they think my name is Kelsey.
dad: why did PBS cancel Computer Chronicles finally?
Gary: my co-star started playing with pirate puppets. that looked like him.
2 comments:
Sanctify yourself with the fact that resolve solves all when done with bhaji and pakora.
And you never get suspicious of an Indian the same way you do of a supermarket sandwich. Kurt knew this. *)
mah dahlin my new favorite song is Simple Minds "Sanctify Yourself". you absolutely inspired that section. have you read or seen any of Harlan Ellison's work? he's a jokester, he's hardheaded and a nit but his stuff is brilliant at times.
love you
*)
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