Jen Pizarro and i are strolling down Telegraph Avenue leisurely checking out the shops, the donut shops, and the Michelin restaurants.
me: spot one?
Jen: i only eat dinner in coffee shops. is there really a difference between one and two Michelin stars?
Gareth Blackstock: you have no fucking idea.
Jen: oh that one looks cute. why is it that only the coffee shop that's on the corner looks cute?
me: it catches the eye. also, it's the only one that's painted.
waiter with an Italian accent holding a beige menu with red-and-gold tassels bigger than him: attention. before you enter. know that this is a French coffee shop, not a cafe...
Jen: hey i know you!!! you serviced Thomas Merton, right?
waiter: in all the best possible ways.
me: thank you my good man, i'll have the meat and potatoes, whole ham, and can you make the short ribs LONG? thank you.
Jen: don't be a douche.
me: i've never heard a woman use the word douche before...
waiter: i mean the only thing we serve here are literally just variations on the dish of bread.
Luke Russert: i've had a falling out with bread. can't eat bread no more.
Lindy Lenz: not even sweet bread?
Luke: fuck no, that sweet on the bread is sickly and sugary and sicky, i vomit at the thought of it.
me: thought vomit and vomit thought are two scientific concepts studied here at this university, summer courses offered and discounted to $750,000 a pop and squat, a chair.
Lindy Lenz: it beats riding a rollercoaster that turns into a water coaster. it beats getting organic fireworks served on a drone.
Greykid: FUCK FIREWORKS. kay? just STOP IT with the fucking fireworks.
Jen taps on our mosaic tabletop nervously with her perfectly-manicured fingers waiting for our food to come out.
me: do you see every time we come here? there's that SAME minivan parked in the first spot blocking the front door.
Jen: i know, right? i mean it's like dude what's going on here. at the front entrance. i HATE that fucking car, big-ass bulk hunk of dulled blue-silver metal gas-guzzler pumping out thick plumes of black smoke at all hours. front passenger's-side window always cracked wide open showing the keyless fob in the ignition. and that putrid Limp Bizkit decal covering the air-conditioner vents.
me: i know, the minivan stays ON the whole day with the brake on, what's the big emergency? where's the getaway?
Jen: i think it's the owner's car or something, he's too lazy to turn it off, he wants to make sure he's OUTTA HERE when lunch hits.
waiter: that's my car, si senor y senora. si is both Italian and Spanish.
Jen: to still have a non-electric car in Berkeley is a crime, that's an excuse to ship the offender to Stanford.
Jen: ah, my cupcake's here. like the football i play.
waiter: scuse but if you don't mind my saying i LOVE you two as a couple. i knew from the moment you entered here and sat down the two of you were DESTINED as a couple.
me: please say we're the PERFECT COUPLE a couple more times into my ear canal.
Jen smiles inside, i see it on her face.
waiter: OF COURSE!!! you're a SAME-SIDER, sir!!! *to Jen* he's a same-sider, you know this.
Jen nods pleasantly.
me: a same-sider?
waiter: SURE, you're doing it unconsciously, you don't even know you're doing it. you instinctively sit on the same side as your soon-to-be spouse as a way of tending to her, being close to her.
Jen: it's nice. kinda creepy but nice. it's good to have space but it's better to be cared for.
me: so you don't want me feeding you your own lunch with my spoon? cos i can stop.
we leave. after a brilliant meal and experience.
me: bye, Lucio.
waiter: bye.
Books-A-Million: BAM!!! B.A.M., get it? we're trying to bring back Borders...
Jesus: oh i love toffee. it's so decadent. my favorite candy is Riesen. get it? for I Am Risen. for I Am Riesen.
Nikki Reginaldo: come to Kato for the cool noir Batman restaurant experience of always being in a dark room.........and for my INSANELY large tits.
Jen: well that was QUITE the wedding we went to this week!!!
me: i wish Suzy Lu and Kakashi well. but that was an ORGY. no really like the wedding was Roman Empire-themed to look like a historically-accurate Roman orgy. and we really had an orgy.
Jen: we all dressed up like John Belushi in Animal House:
crones Gladyce and Doryce: we'll be in the chocolate massage all night if you need us, dears!!!
Jen: this Queen Sheba bed we're in is so delectable with its bronze tassels. it's so lush, so plush, so soft. it's eyelid-shaped.
Jen: i want you FULLY NAKED in my bed.
Jen warms her tits up on Nikki Reginaldo's big tits then showcases her tits on a tray with her fingers holding them up underneath.
Jen: cum on my tits.
Jen: that was fun for you, right? you've never done that to me before.
me: not with THAT much cum, no.
Jen: something about a wedding, aye?
Kakashi, naked except for his mask: i chose this venue, i hope you like it.
Suzy Lu naked except for her mask: it's nice, dear. i would have preferred a Scottish castle that looks like it's melting under the sun, but this Japanese Shinto temple is kitschy, too.
Kakashi: it's just i'm an atheist, you know?
Scottish priest: i hope it's catchy, too...
the two lovebirds speak their vows to their lips and a murder of doves and ninja stars fly into the air getting trapped in the temple's crisscross ceiling. Kakashi pushes a button and the roof collapses letting the doves loose to get free.
the two consummate their vows right there in front of the entire wedding congregation, Suzy Lu and Kakashi fucking on the altar.
parents of bride and groom: this proves they love each other. that they'll stick to each other for eternity. like their bodies are sticking to each other right now with smelly sweat. lifetime commitment.
JUST THEN a little old lady comes into the makeshift church.
Suzy: oh GRAN!!! you made it after all!! you trekked the long journey on foot knowing this would be the only chance you would ever get to see your grandson achieve happiness before you die.
Gran: these walking sandals are NOT doing wonders for my pedicure.
Kakashi: oh it warms my heart that you're able to see me and Suzy like this, Gran.
Suzy: i didn't know your gran was Tsunade.
Tsunade: sonny, where's your kilt?
Kakashi: i don't have it on right now, Gran, i'm fucking Suzy right now, Gran.
Gran Tsunade: the lovemaking can wait, girl wait till your man puts on his KILT first!!! let's keep things traditional!!!
at the wedding reception.
Chef Jon Yao: Hong Kong cuisine, Taiwanese tastes, this is the food of freedom. we get all our specialty lemongrass chrysanthemum from a very obscure secret greenhouse located on a hidden enclave nobody knows the location of.
Rebecca De Mornay: that's MY greenhouse...
Eva Longoria: this L'Oreal turns your hair aqua-blue.........Robin Williams said i could be the next Genie from Aladdin...
commercials: why is every product TERRIFIED of not being 100% American-made?...
Ryan Mallett in a golf swimcap: thank you, Weather Channel, you go on endlessly about how BEAUTIFUL the beaches in Sandestin are after talking about rip currents for 2 seconds...
Ryan Mallett: poor Floyd Landis...
Tour de France: turn the corner and make it to the Woodstock hill and you're home free...
Betty Hicks: i was the wife of Mario Lanza. i died at age 38 just like my husband, i made sure we were together in death forever...
Leslie Sbrocco: impress me with Instagram FOOD pics.........cos all the Instagram WINE pics look the same...
Emma Raducanu: sharks in the piggy bank, you know? i thought i'd be cool and retro and bring my piggy bank back. if only mental health cost the Charlie Brown price, then i might be playing in Wimbledon this week...
Kosciuszko! The Musical: we STILL won an award despite our name!!! despite nobody knowing here to send that award!!!...
Rock Island: where Kurt Cobain plays with Dave Grohl in Dave Grohl's daydream rocking out on old guitars on top of a craggy water mountain...
Rachel Balkovic: they call me Balk.........i mean of COURSE baseball would be my job...
Boc: ...
Bach: ...
Laertus's dad: Parents' Day, NOBODY celebrates this. i mean NOBODY.
Madame Pons: preach.........i consider Mardith my daughter...
Ann Way: i got those horror-movie Coraline eyes...
Imogen Bickford-Smith: am i the British Gwyneth Paltrow or is she the American me?
Gwyneth Paltrow: does my British accent help sell vagina candles better?
Jeff Van Gundy: ESPN doesn't like PERSONALITY in their personalities...
Casper Ruud: the only similarity i have with Roger Federer on grass is i wear this nifty white headband bandana...
Roger Federer: those are Yonex triangles, not Illuminati triangles...
a bell dings. a bell rings.
me: aye aye whaddaya say.
Jen with cupcake crumbs all over her beautiful mouth, talking with her beautiful mouth full of crumbs: ding-a-ling.
me: imagine us going to this very same coffee shop 30 years later. still a couple. still me same-siding you at our usual Greek table.
Jen: so we're still in Berkeley 30 years later?!!! we haven't grown at all? we haven't branched out and explored new places, things, and tastes? we haven't broadened our horizons without internet broadband, only with my broad butt? we're still in our same small town? we're still in this same small town? we haven't left your mom's two-storey basement?
me: the basement is where the based live. oh the mysticism of stairs. i mean college is IT, you know? this is the place everyone goes TO from over there. once you're in college you're DONE.
Jen: so we haven't done anything with our lives?
me: we had 7 kids, isn't that enough?
Jen pauses cold.
me: we discovered a time wormhole and didn't tell anybody in government.
me: picture it. 30 years from now. me Anthony Bourdain allowed to get old, allowed to grow old, Anthony Bourdain with grey hair. and you Blythe Danner. i in my eternally flawed masculinity am showing you how to pick the molluscs off your shrimp salad.
Jen: Blythe Danner? no no no i can't be yogurt. i can't be Jamie Lee Curtis yogurt.
me: why is it that women look sexy with grey hair but men look TERRIBLE with grey hair?
Anthony Bourdain: women age, men die.
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