THE WIZ: JACK IS BACK

 

Prince is hiking alone in the Taiwan mountains when he runs into Tai and Luke Russert.

Prince: i'm looking for my friend. have you seen her?

Tai: oh yeah, woman with the shaved head? communes with monks? i just saw her over that hill over there spitting at Codrus.

Prince: thanks. we made up.

Michael Jackson: for the record, I would have worked with Sinead O'Connor without punching her...

The Pope: Sinead O'Connor forgave me.

Lorne Michaels: it was good for ratings. 

Prince: WHOA!!! didn't expect you to have LONG HAIR!!!

Sinead O'Connor: yeah it's time for me to rest, being angry all the time really sapped my life energy. at this point i'm like FUCK IT, you know?

Luke Russert: reach your hand into my sack.

Tai: your backpack, right? your satchel? the ol' reacharound. oldest trick in the book. nothing's gonna bite my fingers off, right?

Luke: your fingers are your best feature...

Tai: oh. they're Himalayan Pink-Salt walnuts. how quaint.

Luke: i'm trying for you. i'm trying to be sophisticated. a refined galut.

Tai: you do look like an omega-3 fatty acids guy.

Luke: you're saying i'm fat?

Luke: you know, when i die, as sad a day as that's gonna be, if Emilie Ikeda is the one to break the news on the Today Show, it won't be that bad anymore, you know?

Tai: so what are we doing with these walnuts today, Luke?

Luke: i thought we'd cuddle together inside one blanket  atop that sunsetter plateau over there and watch the "Waldorf Salad" episode of Fawlty Towers. one day you'll wake up from your sleeping bag and you'll only see my backpack on a stick in front of the tent camp. and you'll know that i'm gone.

Luke cradles Tai's head in his rugged forearms.

Luke: but fear not, child!!!! I SHALL RETURN. i'm going on sabbatical from myself, that's all. i'll never actually leave, i'll never abandon you, you gotta know that, right?

Tai: yeah you'll be at the grocery store. 

Luke: you can only get Himalayan Pink-Salt walnuts, you can't get regular walnuts.

Tai: those bags on sticks are EVERYWHERE outside on every Starbucks sidewalk...

i'm at a noisy arcade but i still need to talk with Jen R.

me: i intend to speak my piece over a Frogger nester.

Jen R: i can't hear. i can't hear you. oh wait, i can hear you now. i got my ears dewaxed this morning.

Lindy Lenz: she was a perfect patient in the back of our camper van.

me: i saw a thumbs-up on Instagram this morning that WASN'T yours. it made me feel sad.

Jen R: yeah, i did that thumbs-up a certain way, a special way. don't you like that my picture is still up on Instagram? doesn't it make you feel close to me even tho i'm not?

me: no, it makes me feel WORSE when i see your face still up there. i still think THERE'S A CHANCE. listen, i get it from your side, the Irish Goodbye is the PERFECT way to go. it's clean as fuck. you leave with ZERO baggage. the problem is you leave the people on the other side IN YOUR WAKE with the terrible burden of HOPE. as long as you don't officially say goodbye, i can still dream that we'll be married someday. somehow. and one day we'll get divorced. but not after MANY happy times.

Jen R: do you really think we'd be together LONG ENOUGH to necessitate a divorce?

me: oh no, if i ever snagged you, i would NEVER let you go no matter HOW bad things got. i see the LONG game at all times. my third eye is a pirate telescope.

Jen R: i kicked your ass in Double Dragon. remember that night?

me: of course. that was the only night i've ever spent in an arcade sober. this is why i love you.

Bruce Davison: here i am. Bruce Davison. i'm Bruce Davison. i'm an actor like you are. i'm an actor like everyone is...

Pete Davidson: my uncle Bruce Davison told me to eat more breadfruit and durians in hotels to become yellower...

Adam Ried from America's Test Kitchen: my eye? i took too much cocaine in the '70s and my eye started crying and never stopped...

Jack Tripper: Adam Ried saved my life. he performed CPR on me when i was choking at the Regal Beagle and Mr. Furley was distracted by some girls...

Sir Jackie Stewart: mate don't use the champagne bottle to smash Max's trophy, he earned that with his guile. that's real low-class that is, mate. go to your hotel room, soak in a champagne bath, and think about what i've said... 

foot site: discuss symmetry and aesthetics ONLY. i mean it!!! no politics!!!

shrink: hey kids, the weather's nice today but mommy and daddy are getting a divorce.........as you get older your circle of friends shrinks...

Gladyce: gotta save your socks, dear, gotta do your jumping jacks barefoot...

Secretariat: me at the Belmont, the only GOOD blowout in sports history.

Dennis with a grapnel slingshot: i'm not trying to be a menace here but my favorite bubblegum flavor is grape.

Minonk: where the monks stay secret...

firesmith: when the Fire Force firefighter team has lunch with an Uzumaki-swirled cut of half-ham...

Lynyrd Skynyrd "That Smell": it's not about farts. it's actually a very sobering song about addiction needles.

Genghis Khan: if you well and truly want to write an honest, fair crit of someone, look within at the lush landscapes of Mongolia, the scenery inside your heart...

Jack Tripper: hey man, take back that '70s orange from Former Ex President Bump, orange is OUR color, orange is a GOOD color, orange is the color of groovy peace.

Celine from the Before Trilogy: be careful when you type bonjour that it doesn't come out as B.O. Hour...

Sandy Cheeks: where did Ariana go?

SpongeBob: Ariana Grande left me when i ran out of nuts.

Sandy, hugging SpongeBob: it's okay, SpongeBob, i'll never leave you. i'm trapped underwater here.

SpongeBob, blowing his nose on Sandy's astronaut helmet: i like you better anyhow.

Eye Luggage: The Wiz and go.

Laertus: sorry we're late, we just finished dinner. soup again.

Michael Jackson: can we once and for all stop making fun of the name? you don't know HOW many Wiz Parties i've tried to organize at Neverland that got cancelled at the last minute.

Skins parties: ...

Michael Jackson: when was the last time you watched a G-rated movie?

Phineas: when i watched Perry playing beanball with Fern. Perry plays for keeps... 

Eye Luggage: i've seen Perry drunk on perry...

Doofenshmirtz: can i ask Candace out NOW?

Rubikon: "Ease On Down the Road", THIS is the song for the ages, a truly ICONIC song that truly SEPARATES itself from the white Oz canon. distinguishes itself. it really is its OWN CREATION, its OWN LEGACY. it stands on its own merits and surpasses the original. they really did the Yellow Brick Road right and proud and FUNKY with this song!!! i GUAR-AN-TEE you'll be singing this song in the aisles the moment you first hear it...

Michael Jackson: this was my very first acting job, you can tell i'm having a GRAND OLD TIME playing this Scarecrow. the part suits me, i'm having a BALL with this gig. it's true, i can finally act silly, all i've ever wanted to do was act silly. i've never been happier in my life than when i was doing the Scarecrow in The Wiz. i was so carefree back then, i had NONE of the problems i do now, my heart was light, so light i would sing spontaneously on set. i prepared for this role by becoming a real gazelle...

crones: that boy's got SPELLS!!!

Michael: thanks. i'm still young, my magic is still green...

Diana Ross: if it wasn't for ME, none of this would have happened. I was the one who got the wheels turning, got the wheels grinding, who oiled the wheels with Tin Man's butt oil. i was the CUTE CATALYST. this project was MY baby. which made it all the more HURTFUL when i got RAKED OVER THE MOTHERFUCKING COALS, i mean i got SHREDDED in the press, everyone and their auntie thought i was too old to play Dorothy. well fuck you i did it for Toto. really, child. i met the love of my life on this set: not a man, Toto. 50 years later and we're still going strong!!! we finish each other's sentences.

Sinead O'Connor: it's the animal instinct in all of us...

Diana: i can still outrun Toto tho.

Paul McCartney: take me back, Diana!!! 

Princess Diana: ...

Paul McCartney: no not you, take me back, Diana Ross!!!

Nipsey Russell: you know me from Match Game, the good cool '70s version. the jokes i tell? think of me as a black Don Rickles. fuck that, think of me as ME, dammit. i tried to slyly inject a little of my blue humor into this but nobody cared. i'm me but i'm like Andy Kaufman, i'm a song-and-dance man. but nobody remembered my song-and-dancing, they just wanted me to tell dirty jokes...

Ted Ross: you know how i was able to sing all those groovy songs and do all my lion mannerisms? check out this SMOOTH AS FUCK handlebar boxer's mustache i got going on growing on my face. oh, and to the Scarecrow of the previous Wizard of Oz incarnation's non-bold decaffeinated bloated take, i simply say: ROAR!!! IMMA EAT YOU DOWN!!!

Diana Ross: you see this movie with your family round the Thanksgiving table every year, the same way you do She's Gotta Have It...

Spike Lee: we did. the Lee family did every year. this film is more of a cult classic than any of my films!!!

Diana Ross: okay so there are some similarities with Princess Diana, i'm a 24-year-old shy elementary schoolteacher...

Diana Ross: if my acting here seems awkward and stilted throughout, it wasn't my fault, this fro they made me wear was just NOT RIGHT, it made me look weird and feel uptight, i need to LET MY HAIR DOWN, LITERALLY!!!

Aunt Em: child, you're 24, you're too old to still be living with your parents!!! it's a little something i like to call ADULTING...

Diana Ross: reality bites.

Auntie Em: why when your Uncle Henry and i were your age we already had our own brownstone in Harlem!!! 

me: "The Feeling That We Once Had," this is giving me the morbs. i feel this song. deeply and painfully in my soul. you can never go back and recapture it, it remains nostalgia.

Toto: it's not my fault. BOTH times. dogs like to play in the snow and in tornadoes. whilst jamming to "Rosanna." 

Maria LaRosa and her 4 kids: the last time there was a tornado in New York City was 1899...

Sidney Lumet: and now this is the Opening Ceremonies of an Olympics in a South American city. we got cool sets for this. we filmed at the New York State Pavilion from the 1964 New York World's Fair, it was decaying so it was perfect for our purposes.

Takahashi: all the sets here are giving me gritty grungy The Warriors vibes.

Grover with a switchblade: yeah, like the way Sesame Street was in the '70s...

Sidney Lumet: remember Astroland? we didn't have Disneyland as kids, we just had Astroland and a couple of log flutes on the Hudson River. The Cyclone is proof that if you build a rollercoaster out of WOOD, it will last FOREVER.........until it gets burned down in protest.

Yoda in Oscar de la Renta socks: fuck the forest.

Arnold Horshack: is Mrs. Kotter making out with Mr. Kotter on the tin rollercoaster at Coney Island again?... 

 

Miss One: coolest name ever. 

Miss One: silver is more valuable than ruby. think about it...

G-rated movie: we got drug runners up in this bitch...

Michael Jackson: i've been up here A LONG-ASS DAMN TIME. get me DOWN from here, man!!! you know why the song i sing is so damn FLY with the PHAT beats? cos i wrote it.

crows smoking cigars: we're from the Ralph Bakshi movie...

Scarecrow: i don't have a brain. but i do have a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup for a nose, that's what got me conscious about my nose the rest of my life...

Dorothy: where to, Scarecrow?

Scarecrow: over there. i have a photographic memory. i know EVERY song lyric by heart...

Tin Man: don't marry a woman who is SO BIG she can sit on you and flatten you to death.........sorry...

Tin Man: why is my right arm a box of Kellogg's Corn Flakes?...

Cowardly Lion: i'm only here to remind the boys and girls to go to the New York City Public Library. book fairs on WEEKDAYS only. you can only get to the library by TAXI. no library card required, all New York City kids are literate.

Diana Ross: let's not drop down and ride this subway, i hear glass bottles...

Tin Man: what were you before you were a lion?

Cowardly Lion: a pimp. Crown Royale was my ride and my soda.

Dorothy: that ain't a whip, that's a cane...

G-rated movie: we got prostitutes up in here, the Poppy Girls...

Arnold Horshack: this reminds me of my roof...

Sidney Lumet: don't you love all the bright saturated colors?!!! very Pee-wee's Playhouse.

green is for gangrene!!! red is for broken hearts!!! blue is the color of how we feel all the time!!! yellow is Mustard Skittles!!!

Richard Pryor: i mean did you ever think you'd see a GIANT METALLIC HEAD that's my face with each individual strand of the curly hairs in my afro sculpted to perfection?!!! that is cool, jack. that's cool, cat.

Evillene: is my dress made of candy?

Sidney Lumet: the world is one big sweatshop, am i right? monkeys on motorcycles? that is so THX-1138, the flying is in your mind...

Evillene: i better get a Nell Carter sitcom out of this. that He-Man figurine of me better show me to scale, honey, show ALL my curves, baby.

  

Tin Man: damn, dude, Evillene woke up and chose VIOLENCE!!! is this still G-rated? just give her the silver shoes, Dorothy, i'll pick you up some Spike Lee Air Jordans tomorrow at the mall at Foot Locker...

Greykid: NOT THE DOG!!! not Toto, no Toto in a fire of any kind, okay, G-rated movie?... 

Rubikon: this is a very powerful dance. it's the dance of freed slaves. what is TRUE freedom for us? it's an Existential question to this day...

Michael Jordan: BOTH the men dancers and the women dancers are wearing my Hanes underwear...

Sidney: and now we're on an angle on a slant slowly rollerblading down the Sherman Oaks Galleria parking-lot tower on a downhill...

Richard Pryor: i'm actually a corrupt politician from Chicago. it won't be until Obama comes along that this city will get cleaned up.

Charles Foster Kane: ...

Melissa Maker: ...

Sidney Lumet: oh i get it, a hot spotlight. the whole world's a stage, right? Shakespeare said the whole world is Broadway.

Dorothy: will i ever get home?

Richard Pryor: yeah you see this is a dystopian New York City. and the Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Cowardly Lion are YOUR own fears: YOUR emptiness, lack of soul, and timidness around becoming an adult. you do NOT want to be an adult, you lack COURAGE, woman.

Diana Ross: thank you, no more mansplaining, Dick Pryor. come on, man, i'm a black woman from Detroit, i'm as STRONG as they come!!!

Richard Pryor: i'll send you all back home if you do one favor for me. where's Cosby? where's Bill Cosby? we need to settle this. we need to settle this once and for all. we're gonna settle this like men, we're gonna settle this on the tennis court...

Dorothy: what i'm saying is that all that easing down the road was good exercise but you didn't need to do it.

Nipsey Russell: say what, Diana Ross?

Michael Jackson smiling like Santa Claus: should i do Captain EO or Scarface next?...

Dorothy: you had those qualities inside you all along. we introverts are terrible to ourselves, we're always listening to the negative voice in our heads. that voice's name is Elon Musk.

Ted Ross: be a lion, show the gazelle the error of his ways...

Ted Ross: are we related?

Diana Ross: no.

Lena Horne: i am Ear Horn's auntie...

me: Lena Horne's singing of "Believe In Yourself" gives me the MORBS exponentially!!! no, i don't want to grow up!!! no, i don't want to be an adult!!! i don't want to rely on myself!!! self-sufficient is scary. someone else can pay the rent, YOU can pay the rent, YOU pay the rent!!!...

Lena Horne: click your heels 1600 times, don't you dare shine your silver slippers, and sing "Home" by Depeche Mode or the Smashing Pumpkins. then you'll be home.

Diana Ross: 1600?

Oprah: my SAT score.

Obama: and my address. i'm him.

Rubikon: the music they play during the end credits here is the same music they play at the end of the Academy Awards Oscars ceremony. it brings back the MEMORIES, boy!!! this was the ONE film you watched with your whole family all year, the ONE time you were ALL together all year. i'm getting weepy over here. the '70s are never coming back...

me: my birth year is never coming back...

Rubikon: this film taught me. can i be a kid again? Next on ABC: the Jackson 5 Miniseries. g'night folks.