MAN ON THE MOON: ANDY KAUFMAN SIGHTINGS

Luke Russert loses Lindy Lenz and me in the jungles of Taiwan.

Luke carrying his grocery bag as a backpack: luckily for me, i found a very well-lit alleyway in the city that was not full of jungle trees. some palm tea settled my stomach.

a beautiful woman in seafoam corduroy jeans, olive-green eyes, long blonde hair, a man's white garage T-shirt, and a silver chain around her neck with a silver manticore as a pendant bumps into Luke's back in the night.

Tai: yeah. we have anime to thank. after anime, Taiwan decided to go ALL-NEON with their lights...

Luke: HEY I KNOW YOU!!! you're that babe from the Taiwan: The Heart of Asia Tourism Bureau commercial!!!

Tai: ONLY ON PBS!!!

Luke: so like it's IMPOSSIBLE that you'd be here alone, right?

Tai: very much alone. i ALWAYS travel alone. i always go on vacation alone. it's more peaceful that way.

Luke: don't you get lost?

Tai: only in my heart and soul.

Anthony Bourdain: ...

Luke: is Taiwan independent yet? i mean this is taking FOREVER. how long are we gonna have to FUCKING WAIT?!!!

Tai: be sure to bow at each garden inside a building here.

Luke: where to next? what do you want to see?

Tai: the touristy spots in a non-touristy way.

Luke takes Tai's hand brusquely and leads her to an open clearing on a circular green garden at the top of a cement hill for touristy views.

Luke: pretty.

Tai, dejected: no. oh no. look, the circle is broken, the circle is encircled by a parade of 30 Last Sunset breakfast camper vans.

Luke: omg. look down THERE!!! you see that tiny door in the slot sewer of that street? that's the secret entrance to the pottery barn. we can do the full Ghost thing where i hold your elbows from the back, in a return-the-favor gesture, as you slosh your pretty fingers in wet dank grey clay sexily to make a pot we'll later use for pickles, not peonies.

Tai: flowers with pee? i like the passionflower cos it makes great punch.

the duo that's not quite a pair get there.

Tai: it's closed.

Luke with a red puffy face: god DAMN it.

Tai: i have a boy's face but that just makes me sexier...

Jen R and i are in a small tiny apartment on the Lower East Side. it's one room, one room that's a living room, dining room, kitchen, bedroom, and toilet.

Jen R: and yet there's still room for stairs that lead nowhere and prison bars in our windows...

Jen is in a soft fuzzy pink bathrobe and pink bunny slippers and i'm in my tattered smoking jacket.

Jen R: we're two sardines in the city.

me: this is so Welcome, Back Kotter. this is my HEAVEN. this is all i will ever need in life: you opposite me at our tiny circular wood table, two pillows for chairs, and we're face-to-face talking in paragraphs not sentences about our life TOGETHER, not the meaning of life from two perspectives.

Jen R holding a tennis ball in her hand: we bounce ideas off each other.

me: no. we talk about the weather and recipes. there's no topic that's too mundane because being with YOU is the ultimate happiness. you are my impossible nirvana.

Jen R: it's still a little creepy that i have to wear the glasses even though i have 20/20 librarianess vision.

me: i'm just a really hardcore fan of TV.

Jen R: okay so what are we always eating together?

me: chocolate cake. always chocolate cake we split evenly.

Jen R: oh no, you only get ONE slice. i'm a woman so my tastes are fickle, i change my mind at the drop of a Diane Keaton hat, sometimes i'm gonna want the strawberry wafers dipped in chocolate sauce. i'm allowed to be a woman, right? i am a waif with no tits, but i prefer it this way cos my tits will never hit the floor and require a band-aid. 

Jen R: my mother always told me to protect my body, a body is all a woman's got, she'd say. a woman's body gives her her quality of life. as for men, well...

me: please tell me we're having this conversation cos we're an old married couple...

Jen R: i feel sorry for women. how can women rely on men? men are fickle, they're distracted, too easily led astray, men can't comprehend the concept of LIFETIME.

me: i LOVE Lifetime Movies!!! all my writing is BASED on Lifetime Movies!!!

Jen R: you're unreliable. you're not here when we need you. we love you guys but we love you in the way a mother loves a child...

me: speaking of children...

Jen R: it's one thing to have a body, but TWO bodies?!!!...

me: and then on Fridays, Fridays only, we switch out the chocolate cake for chess.

Boogiepop Phantom (2000): we did the Batman: The Animated Series thing with the drawing everything on black paper on the anime side of things...

avocado: best source of omega-3 fatty acids.........but man are we expensive!!!

Subway: *laughing*

Eugene Byrd: no i wasn't a Power Ranger with Emma Lahana. Chloe? don't know a Chloe. i never ghostwrote for Cosby. i'm the man with the acting talent brimming out of me at all times. i'm Young Denzel...

Hoylake: today's lake.

Otter 841 on a Wavestorm surfboard: really uncreative, dudes...

Roger Federer: my feelings on Carlos Alcaraz? just leave me alone...

Twitter: the world is falling apart.........but make sure you get your Twitter post up today...

Topsham: top is a sham, we eat bottom ramen here to maintain our gorgeous ports of call and all these deep blue waveboats...

English countryside: we're quirky...

Luke Russert: i never realized how EXPENSIVE my tastes were until i started shopping for the groceries by myself, i only feel like an adult in this world when i'm shopping for the groceries by myself...

Coke Ultimate: it tastes like.........NOTHING.........with a faint aftertaste of bubblegum...

Coke Ultimate: wanna toss the frisbee?...

Luke Russert: now that i go to the grocery store everyday, it's all a BLUR. i don't know when the day i went to the grocery store ends and the next day the next time i went to the grocery store begins. i don't remember going to the grocery store.........even though i know i went to the grocery store...

Lindy Lenz: you go on these extended field trips by yourself to the grocery store, you're gone for days and we don't know where you are...

Luke: research. it's for research.

Dr. Vacc spinning a Jane Birkin record: the P100 mask looks like DJ headphones...

Disney's Pluto the dog: Pluto Platter? sounds disgusting. why am i the only one not dressed as a human?...

Easthope: the sexiest person on any planet is a woman high-school art teacher.........with a Basque accent...

shooting tea directly into your mouth through a clear glass tea kettle: don't worry, it's cold tea...

Michael Weiss: you gotta talk.........you gotta talk on Instagram.........you can't just stare at the picture silently...

Codrus: no no no. i can't take it, NOT ONE MORE piece of mail with the benefits of POO on it...

Boogiepop Phantom (2000): the Japanese episode of Millennium...

today in Phoenix: 111 is not a lucky number for us and our fair city.........111 degrees...

Mark Hapka: fair city? come on, man.

Tim Shaddock and Bella: so yeah this is the real-life Cast Away.........twice. funny thing is, i don't know Tom Hanks...

Sandy: Bella is my son...

Dame Lillard: me in Philly.........think about it...

Eye Luggage: Man on the Moon and go.

Andy Kaufman: we talk all the time about artists who were MISUNDERSTOOD, if i'm not the poster child for this i don't know who is. i'm actually a very sweet man, it was all an act. people and audiences DIDN'T GET ME because i was INVENTING A WHOLE NEW GENRE of comedy: ANTI-COMEDY. nobody had any idea what the fuck this was, nobody had seen it before, nobody had any idea how to REACT to this. just a lot of confusion all around.

pro wrestlers: we've been doing this stuff since 1900, kayfabe and whatnot.

Andy Kaufman: you think I'M bad? wait till Sam Hyde comes along...

Jim Carrey: everyone complained that i was a PAIN IN THE ASS on this set.

Courtney Love: on behalf of the rest of the cast and crew and the director, YOU WERE!!! you never broke. you stubbornly maintained your Method Actor kayfabe stance the entire time on set. your persona was persona non grata. none of us ever got to talk with Jim Carrey...

Jim Carrey: yeah but Andy Kaufman's relatives later came up to me on set and coulda SWORN Andy Kaufman hadn't died and was ME...

Courtney Love: my performance here is what Sharon Stone did in Casino...

Laertus: okay this is a FUNNY intro!!! Jim Carrey peeking his head out of the side of the movie imploring people NOT to watch this movie!!!...

Andy Kaufman: i had a normal childhood. nothing weird, a lot of snow in Long island not from the radiation, just normal weather before humans ruined the patterns.

Andy Kaufman: that's my real-life granddaughter!!!

Andy's dad: son, you aren't autistic, right?

Andy: nobody knows what autism is yet...

Andy's dad: if you're gonna be a performer you gotta get people to PAY you to entertain them.

Andy: my stuffed animals pay me when you're not looking and i'm speaking to the four walls.

Andy's mom: might not be autistic but he's definitely crazy.

Andy: should i do a voice? should i be from Caspiar or Medieval Times? should i be from a foreign country? an Eastern European foreign country? i have a feeling i'm gonna regret doing this voice...

Andy: i do Elvis only because when i die there are gonna be MANY Andy Kaufman sightings all around the world like there STILL are Elvis sightings...

Nina and Louise from Veruca Salt: we don't know what Mighty Mouse is but that Victrola is RAD!!! can we borrow that thing, man?!!!

George Shapiro: you got a booger in your nose.

Andy: no that's a clear silver tear of superglue...

George: i don't get this Tony Clifton character, nobody likes assholes.

Andy: no but that's the thing, people secretly LOVE male-chauvinist womanizers. you say the world loves comedians but what about Richard Pryor and Lucille Ball? George, listen to this, i get on stage and throw a glass at a random audience member killing him or her instantly.

George: yeah i don't know, Andy...

Tony Clifton: at a motel i fill my suitcase each night with peanut-butter-and-tuna sandwiches...

Bob Zmuda: I have all the power in this relationship!!! if I don't eat, if I don't get paid, if I call in sick, the LEGEND of Andy Kaufman FALLS APART!!!

Bob Zmuda: and i have the RADDEST last name, i shoulda been a North Shore surfer...

Andy Kaufman at Transcendental Meditation in Thousand Oaks.

Andy: yogi?

guru: TIMING.

Andy: how does one be funny?.........oh, thank you for your swift answer...

Andy: Taxi? no.

George: it's got a theme song that's INSPIRED.

Andy: i don't tell conventional jokes, remember? sitcoms are the SAFEST form of comedy. okay i'll do it but only ONE LINE: Latka's eating latkes, see? and he's driving on the wrong side of the road...

Andy: do i get to fuck Marilu Henner?

George: yes but not in the script...

Dirg: WHOA!!! THIS IS BLOWING MY FUCKING MIND!!! how the FUCK are they doing this? they got ALL the Taxi stars doing this.........in real time? but that's impossible!!! these aren't computer graphics, these are ANDROIDS!!! no WAY AI is THIS advanced in 1999!!!...

Takahashi bonks Dirg on the head.

Takahashi: this ain't PHOTOSHOP, dude!!! these are the real actors saying these lines, these PEOPLE are REAL PEOPLE!!!

George: so they're doing this show called Friday Night Live...

Andy: yeah, no. get me The Dance or no show at all.

George: but Lorne Michaels only sees professional ice-skaters...

Eye: okay can i just say Lorne Michaels is a DAMN GOOD ACTOR.

Lorne Michaels: i know, but only when i'm playing myself. i've only EVER played myself, i don't know what it's like to play someone who's NOT me...

Andy: creative control. that's all i want. creative control.

studio exec: what does that mean? puppets?

Andy: 30 minutes of a white wall, my childhood bedroom wall, that's it. 

at Friday Night Live.

Andy: i'm gonna pretend i'm flubbing my lines on purpose in real time. don't worry, it'll be funny.........LATER. the joke only works if not ALL of you castmembers are in on the joke, that's how we get GENUINE reactions.

Norm Macdonald: i did not come back from the dead for THIS, i came back to do a Burt Reynolds cartoon...

Andy: if i don't talk about how the network studio heads are bleeding the audience dry of money, you won't be able to pay back those gambling debts, Norm...

Andy: this wrestling thing intrigues me. we're simpatico. we're on the same wavelength. i think i'm gonna wrestle.........animals, do you think America will like that?

Jerry Lawler: i have never cried in my life. i'm a strong country boy. but i gotta admit, i teared up a little when this man from Hollywood started making fun of the South.

Andy: QUIT YOUR BOOING!!! i'm only doing his because i like the Malcolm in the Middle intro...

Andy: i invented the whole thing where you put a neckbrace on and sue your lawyer...

David Letterman: Andy Kaufman and Jerry Lawler, ladies and gentlemen.........so is Andy or Jerry gonna pole-dance on my desk?...

Andy: before i wrestle this woman, i want to say THANK YOU to Billie Jean King, she was a big inspiration for me growing up, a spirit mother to me when my mom was too busy to bake me cookies...

  

Lorne Michaels: remember when you saw this telethon on Saturday Night Live for real in real time?

Mary Gross: yes, but it was ME, not you.

Laraine Newman: hey who's the broad who plays ME in this?...

Andy: i only got 23% of the vote?

Jimmy Carter: suck it, Kaufman.

Andy: Tony Clifton made the evening paper.........that's an accomplishment, isn't it?

Taxi boss: i'm letting you go, Kaufman.

Andy: on a swing? i'm Tony Clifton.

Taxi boss: I'M FIRING YOU, KAUFMAN!!! i fired your mom last night...

Andy: hey where have you been? you're supposed to be my manager. i haven't seen you for 5 years.

George Shapiro: i was doing Taxi...

George: Andy, are you sitting down? i have some bad news. Taxi has been canceled. it's okay to cry.

Andy: come over to the new house, George, and bring an oilcan from the Taxi set, oil my eyes till they cry...

Prince: ...

Courtney Love: do you like being an asshole?

Andy: yes. i have a death wish.

down Hollywood Blvd.

Andy: let's get married.

Courtney Love: but we haven't been on a first date yet.

Andy: you like eating hamburgers, i like eating hamburgers, let's just do this...

Courtney: my headdress is the beaded car seat cover from a Volvo...

Andy: was i better in bed than Kurt Cobain?

Lynne Margulies: i don't remember either of you...

Tony Reali: COLLEGE!!!

Andy: okay i'm gonna read for you F. Scott Fitzgerald's novella "The Red Light, Not the Green Light". it was a lesser-known work. one page, written on the back of a matchbook. later made into a Tijuana bible starring Daisy Buchanan...

at Transcendental Meditation in Thousand Oaks.

owners: we're kicking you out, Andy, you're off the reservation.

Andy: but this is the only thing i BELIEVE in. and you're my sister and brothers.

owners: it's just, the whores, you know? all the whores. and the wrestling of women.

Andy: i get love from a brothel, the Bunny Ranch in Las Vegas, i thought EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE PLANET got their love there. right? the women wrestlers are paid actresses.........please don't tell me Yogi Guru is a paid actor.........life is an illusion...

Andy at Don's Plum with the gang: i have cancer.

Courtney Love: this is another con.

George: a hoax.

Zmuda: okay so we build a hospital. right? and the doctor is wearing waders instead of hospital shoes...

Andy: i have lung cancer. i never smoked a cigarette in my life.........except that one time after the Unplugged show that Kurt Cobain lent me his LONG cigarette so i could sign an autograph for him...

Andy on the table: i look like a skinny Billy Corgan.

Mardith: hold still and place these 30 crystals all over your naked body. especially on your spine.

Andy: i have to turn over for that.

Mardith: especially this purple crystal...

Andy with tearing eyes: i just wanna be swallowed up by this paisley pillow. i will suffocate under here cos i only know how to BREATHE when i'm with the Transcendental Meditation traveling circus...

at Carnegie Hall.

Andy: ladies and gentlemen, before we start the show i want you to know beforehand that my grandmother will die tonight. now without further ado, is there a.........Matthew McConaughey in the audience tonight? come up here, Matthew, and teach me how to play these bongos!!!

Andy: i only did this cos my mom never baked me cookies.........i never drank her milk... 

Andy on the chaise lounge: i gotta go to the Philippines.

George: what's in the Philippines?

Andy: Lourdes.

the pair at Baguio.

Andy: mind if i stop for a bagel?

Courtney: get in line, it's gonna be awhile...

doctor: do you have faith? i'm a faith healer.

Andy: yes.

doctor: hold this soppy sponge soaked in red liquid for me, dear. when the patient comes in make sure to COVER this with your hand...

doctor: are you covered? are you insured?

Andy: psychic surgery is a hoax? IRONY BOMB!!! the hoaxer FINALLY gets hoaxed. taste of my own medicine. i just realized this, all the Transcendental Meditation i did didn't save me at ALL...

at the funeral.

Andy Kaufman: don't be scared, i am NOT Big Brother. "This Friendly World,".........the lyrics.........when you've got someone you love.........see, that's the catch, you gotta HAVE SOMEONE in this world or it's not friendly...

Michael Stipe: can "This Friendly World" be MY song now? on behalf of everyone in  R.E.M., everyone in the band, we're all SICK of "Man on the Moon," you know? we did a music video for "The Great Beyond" and noticed that our drummer Bill Berry wasn't there with us on set, that was DEPRESSING...

Carol Kane: i was at Andy Kaufman's funeral.........WHOOPS...

at The Comedy Store.

Richard Belzer: dead? look at my face, i died a LONG time ago. *audience laughter* and now, ladies and gentlemen, let's give a warm Comedy Store welcome to.........TONY CLIFTON!!!

the audience boos.

Andy Kaufman: it's me, Andy Kaufman. i faked my own death.........this is true but you will NEVER believe me.........look out in the audience, that's Bob Zmuda. see?.........i am now Bob Zmuda...

Andy Kaufman: g'night folks.

Jen R and i are in our homey apartment in Brooklyn playing the Uncle Wiggily board game after a hop in our stone shower.

Jen R: my mother warned me against these women who wear THREE SWEATERS and you can STILL see their tits!!! you still see the outline and shape and nipple of their tits, that's not fair.

me: i love your soul, bodies come and go. take me, i have a whale wagon for a butt. 

Jen R: no you had a wagon with a whale painted on it as a kid...

me: i don't have to worry anymore ever again. my Friday nights are forever gonna be so PLEASANTLY BORING with you. i fell into the wrong hands and i've never looked back.